Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter. This author knows Lily is not a good person here, she hopes you know she is not a good person here, this story is not condoning bad behavior, just exploring it, if you are uncomfortable you can always stop reading, I won't mind :) Art work by the super talented windbyfire (insta)

Dazed and Confused ~ Ruel

7th Year

Sirius' birthday party was a roaring success, although James did feel as though he was only attending with half his brain. The other half kept wandering to the highest spire in Hogwarts, wondering if Evans was waiting for him. It was a pretty picture, thinking of her there, desperate and wanting, perhaps touching herself in his absence until he decided to show.

He couldn't wait to get out of Gryffindor tower. Luckily for him, Sirius seemed hellbent on drinking himself into an early stupor, always one to live fast and worry about consequences later, but James still felt rather guilty as he levitated him into bed and relinquished babysitting responsibilities for the rest of the night to Remus and Peter. If he'd have been a good friend, James knew he would be passed out right alongside him. Wasn't that what best mates did? Joined you in all your idiot decisions so you wouldn't have to do them alone?

Not this time. James was making his own reckless choices tonight.

James ran, no sprinted, back to his suite, hoping beyond hope that he wasn't too late and that Lily hadn't yet retired for the evening.

"You're late," she sniped at him accusatorially as she snapped her textbook shut, getting up off of the couch when he walked through the portrait hole.

"It was — hic — Padfoot's birthday," James hiccuped, not at all able to mask his palpable optimism that they'd continue right where they'd left off in the bathroom stall earlier today.

She looked over her shoulder as she got to her staircase, her auburn hair glowing in the green torchlight that dominated her half of the space. "Oh good, you're drunk. Maybe that means we can go all night."

Huh? "I'm not that drunk." James watched mesmerized as she started climbing the steps, the bottom of her arse cheeks just barely peeking out from below her scantily short nightgown. Where is she going? The second half of what she'd said registered: he loved the thought of going all night with her.

"Even better. Are you coming or what?"

Oh right. He was supposed to follow her.

James woke up the next morning, exhausted but as satisfied as he'd ever been in his whole life, trying to get his bearings. Last night had been a dream — a lustful, crazy, impossibly good dream.

After James had followed Lily up to her bedroom, she'd barely given him enough time to look around before she'd pushed him onto her bed and fucked him over, and over, and over again. She'd been right: his tipsiness had dulled his cock's sensitivity, as though she was scratching an itch with fingertips instead of nails. So this time in their suite, he'd been able to enjoy Lily's body on top of his without feeling like he was going to blow at every amazing second. He would be forever grateful that he'd struck just the right balance of intoxication that it was hard for him to come, but not hard for him to stay… well. Hard.

It had probably been the best night of his existence. Not only was watching her get off a couple times in a row incredibly hot — but it also made him feel like a god. He was the one doing this. His body was the thing she craved and he could provide it to her. It really wasn't a bad feat for someone who felt so sexually green. He couldn't believe that he'd struck gold in falling for someone who was simultaneously horny as hell while being patient enough to teach him everything she knew. Like, he was aware he was a catch in regular circumstances, but Lily Evans was no regular circumstance — she was a fucking Queen. And he'd gotten her.

He was getting her — all to himself.

He'd never felt cockier.

He still couldn't believe what had happened last night was real life though. He'd been able to watch as her tits bounced right in front of his face, getting to paw and suck on them as he pleased, had felt her nails as they scratched down his pecs or through his hair, gotten to enjoy the way Lily whimpered and sighed when she was close, and had a front row seat to watch as she beautifully crumbled into bliss. Her abs had rippled as her hips swiveled over his, finding the perfect amount of friction she needed from his cock as she worked herself over him. And every now and then, she'd switch up the position, leaning forward and leveraging herself over his chest so she could actually slide herself up and down his length, her cunt so magically gripping his shaft like this was exactly what he'd been made for — flesh, bones, and blood designed solely for her pleasure.

And damn was he fulfilling his purpose alright.

She'd come screaming and she'd come so quietly it was like the air had been stolen straight from her lungs, and he wasn't sure which he preferred. While it was fun to have noises that accompanied the physical signs of her undoing, he liked the idea of her coming so hard that she just simply couldn't do anything else anymore too. As if all her abilities had been temporarily shut off just so she could focus on the art of come, come, coming. That was pretty bloody hot as well.

It looked as though she'd really needed last night, really needed him, and James was so glad to have been of service to help Lily blow off steam and find her happy place, or be a distraction — or whatever the fuck she currently needed.

He'd be there. He'd always be there. And he'd love every fucking second.

James smiled as he opened his eyes and found Lily sleeping soundly next to him, her face nestled in her arms cozily as she slept on her stomach. For maybe the first time ever, he noticed the cutest cluster of freckles on her left cheek. He had the silly yet overwhelming urge to draw them, memorize them, incorporate them into a doodle of a Snitch — one of the only things he could properly sketch. He'd gotten in trouble before for drawing her initials into one of his drawings — back when he'd been a naive little boy who'd had a small lapse in judgement while fantasizing about the prettiest girl in school — and he wouldn't be repeating that mistake. Drawing her constellation would be more personal, private, and maybe most importantly, intimate. How many people did she let get close enough to her to learn this about her? How many men were into her enough to notice?

James sighed, propping himself onto an elbow. The best part about last night? After she'd been satiated and he'd been allowed to come… James was already in her bed. So after they drifted into a well-deserved slumber… it wasn't like he was going to leave her until morning. He got to stay — with her. Together.

James took the time to check her out, not having to hold himself back because of societal expectations from his side, or threats of death and destruction from hers. She was just so fucking beautiful. Her bare back expanded and contracted gently with every pull of oxygen as her lips trembled with the action. James knew that if she'd been aware that he could see this, see she was human, she'd probably hex him, and it made the moment even more valuable to him. She looked so peaceful like this, innocent, and it made him fall even harder. He knew he was a goner as soon as he'd kissed her, but seeing her vulnerable and defenseless? He really would do anything to keep her safe.

He just wished she'd tell him how she felt though. He needed to hear what she was actually thinking. Lily's long, curled eyelashes fluttered slightly and James wondered what the hell she was dreaming about. She had a small scar on the corner of her lip, and James did everything he could to resist the urge to kiss it. (Fuck, you're obsessed.) Instead, he settled for skimming his fingers softly over her spine until he reached the sheet that was slunk low over the small of her back before trailing them back up. So fucking beautiful. He wanted to wake up like this every morning. He wanted to be able to do this forever.

James nearly jumped when he looked back at her face and was hit with a wash of emerald. "Shit— sorry," he mumbled. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"That's what happens when you touch someone while they're sleeping," she deadpanned.

"Sorry," he repeated, absolutely mortified.

She must of taken pity on him, he could tell by the way the corner of her mouth twitched. "Couldn't help yourself?"

He smiled what he hoped was a megawatt smile. "Something like that."

"You're an affectionate person, aren't you?" she asked, James thought seemingly out of nowhere.

"What?" he answered on reflex.

She lifted her head slightly as if to study him better. "You're touchy-feely."

Why did it always feel like they were trying to figure each other out? James knew it was normal to try to understand other people, decode their quirks and foibles… but this felt deeper than that. It was like Lily was trying to deduce what species James was. "Is that a bad thing…?"

Her eyes were boring into his very soul. "No," she spoke slowly. "It's just different."

James didn't know what to say to that. He'd gathered that she'd only ever hooked up with selfish assholes before, it was probably an occupational hazard considering whom she hung out with, but he was also highly aware that he might be a little too much the polar opposite of that. He knew he loved too hard and too fast and Sirius had often labelled him (jokingly, he hoped) a cuck. He should probably at least be trying to hide that fact from an absolute man-eater. "You didn't mind last night."

She grinned. "And I still don't." Lily surprised him when she leaned into him and stole a slow kiss from his lips before leisurely grabbing his wrist and placing his hand between her thighs as she shimmied up to him. The message was clear — make me come again.

"Are you ever satisfied?" he joked, even as his fingers began massaging her.

Her hand snaked under the sheets and found his cock, making him hiss as she started stroking him. "Are you?"

He supposed she had her answer considering he'd already been hard by the time her palm had reached him. "It's Friday…" he whispered, finding it hard to concentrate on giving her perfect, tight circles on her clit when her thumb was pushing up the center of his shaft and lingering on his head.

She absolutely loved how he became a babbling idiot for her. "Well done, Potter."

He'd meant that they had classes today and couldn't do this forever, but fuck it. Did he really care? Without thinking, he rolled himself over her and kissed her, his tongue slipping into her mouth as she let out a small gasp. His pointer finger pushed into her as he rocked himself against her thigh, rutting uselessly as he built up her ecstasy. "Shut up, Evans."

Lily spread her thighs wider, groaning as his cock shifted and pressed closer to her apex with their crazed snogging. For one glorious moment, James wondered if she'd already relaxed her being on top rule, but he really should have known better. With a shove of his arm and a fancy leg move, Lily had herself wrapped around him and had manipulated his body over so that she was once again on top. "You know the only way to do that is to make me, Potter," she whispered as she grabbed both of his wrists and pinned them beside his head. James knew it was merely a symbolic gesture. They both knew that he was physically stronger than her and could free his arms at any second, but he'd let her have this. If she wanted to pretend to restrain him, he could play along.

So James leaned up off the bed and kissed her while she kept his hands firmly on the mattress, and he knew it was his reward when she sank down onto his cock. He knew he hadn't had that much sex in his young life yet, but with resounding clarity, he understood that Lily Evans had made him into an addict for life. He couldn't believe the relief he felt upon reentering her body a mere couple hours after the last time considering it was a sensation he hadn't even been aware existed a month ago. He needed this — he needed her. If he had to rank his current necessities for living, it probably stood at air, eating, and Evans. (But the first two were only so he could survive long enough to pursue the last need.) He was a man possessed, but the high was so good, he didn't think he'd give it up for anything.

James had the overwhelming feeling that he was about to be rode hard and put away wet.

"So, how you feeling?" Sirius asked him at breakfast Saturday morning as James forced some porridge in his mouth. He never had an appetite before the first match of the season, which was a real bummer because it was always the game he needed sustenance for the most. Slytherin never fought fair, and he knew today would be no different. He knew the snakey House was still wholly bitter over the Gryffindor captain also being selected as Head Boy and that he would be a prime target for unsanctioned Bludgers all game.

"We have the better team, it's just a question of if we can still win when they inevitably cheat," James answered logically. He might be overly passionate about everything, but at least when it came to Quidditch, his brain could still function… unlike when he was around Lily. Stupid. Fucking. Brain.

"Well. Give em hell."

James and his team did. A storm raged as the Gryffindors pummeled Slytherin in the sky, but James had been one hundred percent correct that his opponents wouldn't be above thrashing him with an iron ball even when he wasn't in possession of the Quaffle. He practically had to play the entire game with a broken jaw since Nott had catapulted a Bludger his way right after the kickoff whistle as he'd started his ascent into the match.

The pain only made him play harder. Besides, James knew Evans was in the stands, and like hell was he not going to put on a show for her. He wanted to prove to her that her man had talents outside of the bedroom as well; it would be nice for her to realize that. He was more than just a cock that she could ride, he was a man with hopes and dreams and a penchant for kicking ass on a broomstick. He hoped she was impressed. (Please, let her be impressed…)

"See you at the party, Captain!" his last teammate still in the locker room yelled before heading back into the torrential downpour outside.

James figured he'd at least try to heal some of his injuries before following everyone to the castle. He hated to admit it, but ever since Evans had told him how crooked Madam Mitchell was, he'd found it hard to go seek her assistance in healing spells. What sort of school nurse had favorites? What sort of nurse punished children from a different tribe? Were children not innocents?

He cursed as he prodded his wand against his jawline, only managing to alter the blossoming purple bruise to a lightish blue.

"I thought they'd never leave."

James spun around to the unexpected, but oh-so-welcome voice behind him. He was so happy that Gryffindor had won, and not just for the normal reasons. He knew it was stupid, but he felt like beating them, her House, might show her that his side was better, at Quidditch and in life. Good trumped evil — even in sports — did it not? "Bold of you to cross into enemy territory." As if James would ever expect anything less from her.

Lily meandered around a bench and joined him in front of the mirror. Despite the chill, she was still wearing a mini skirt with green tights underneath, matching the green snakes she'd drawn on her cheeks with paint. James repressed the primal urge to say how he couldn't wait to make her so sweaty the horrible beasts bled clean off of her face. "I figured I wouldn't be seeing you for the rest of the night. Given you're the Gryffindor hero and all that…"

Fuck. Had he ever been disappointed by the prospect of a House celebration? Normally, everyone he wanted to see would be there, or be cool enough to be invited along. His past girlfriends had all been allowed to enter the Gryffindor common room and had been warmly handed a Firewhiskey or two as everyone partied raucously. This would not be the case with Evans. James imagined if she stepped inside the sea of burgundy, the music would comically scratch to a stop and everyone would openly stare at her. Mind you, she'd hold her own and keep her chin high, but then she'd probably insult him or punch him or something else painful to show that she wasn't there for him and then all hell would break loose. The whole thing would be preposterous. (Even if he knew she'd totally be there for him, and he'd love it.)

"I can skip the afterparty," he offered. After all, weren't they supposed to be celebrating his team? If the captain would rather party somewhere else with someone else, shouldn't he be doing whatever brought him joy?

"Don't be absurd," she whispered with a smirk as she gently grabbed for his chin and tilted it her way so she could make her diagnosis. "You seem to have a flair for the dramatics, so your absence would be duly noted."

He watched her curiously, once again unable to figure her out. "Right. Wouldn't want people to miss me."

He knew he sounded petulant, and perhaps he was trying to goad a reaction out of her, but Lily ignored it. "I think it's actually broken, Potter?"

"Nah," James replied playing cavalier, but even as he said it, he realized his jaw did hurt quite a lot. Lily gave him a raised eyebrow. He added, "Would I still be able to talk if it was?"

"I dunno, are you an idiot?" she teased. "Think it's just a hairline fracture, but here." She led him to a bench and pushed him down with her palms, wordlessly instructing him to sit down. He followed her heed and watched mesmerized as she confidently stood between his legs, looking over his face clinically. She was in her element. He was used to her staring at him when she wanted something, her eyes bordering on predatory as her lips twisted and gaped, stirring up more than welcome reciprocal feelings of lustful expectation in his stomach. He knew what those looks meant and he knew he was more than reflecting them back to her every single time. He loved how much she couldn't help but want him, because it made him feel better about feeling the exact same way. But seeing her as she entered healer mode felt special, he felt worthy as her fingers expertly touched his face, examining him for hidden injuries that he hadn't even felt yet as the adrenaline continued to cruise through his veins. As her fingers tapped up his cheek, her eyes darting back and forth, he felt both godlike and like a child, somehow always under her mercy, but this time benevolently so. She was edging impossibly close to care with her actions — even if he knew she'd do the same for anyone else hurt on her side.

After healing a few minor cuts and slashes across his face and arms, she swished her wand below his chin, and James felt an odd internal click. She laughed when he pulled back out of her grip, eyes bulging. "There. All better."

James rubbed his jaw, moving it side to side. It did feel good as new, and looking back at the mirror, he saw nothing but his usual tan skin, stubbled by the late hour. "Thanks," he told her rather skeptically as he got back onto his feet, once again towering over her. Perhaps she hadn't worn her boots because she had to trudge this far out through the mud of the storm.

She laughed at his trepidation, as though it completely tickled her. "You're welcome." Then she turned on her heel, clearly intending to walk back towards the door.

"Wait," he cried out, grabbing her hand just before she got out of reach. "Where you going?"

Her brows scrunched as she looked at him. "Home?"

James pulled her back slightly, catching her hip with his free hand. "Why?"

Lily chuckled as she put her open palm against his chest, and he really needed her to stop making that sound. He loved her laugh. He was already plotting all the ways he'd keep coaxing it out of her for the rest of her life. "Because. I'm not sleeping with you after you wrecked my team, Potter."

He smirked as he leaned into her, but she tilted her face away last minute, dodging his kiss. "Really?" His grip dug possessively into her waist as he dipped in again, chasing her lips.

"Yes. What about me screams not loyal to the cause?"

James snorted. "Loyal to the cause, eh? And what is that noble cause, pray tell?"

"House Cup. Eternal glory."

James laughed. It was fun being goofy with her. He wanted more. (He always wanted more.) "Oh come on, Evans. I kicked you guys' arses fair and square. Don't you think that deserves a little love?"

Lily threw her head back. "No! That's my point — no!"

"It isn't even a little bit hot? Seeing me win?" He'd gone to bat for her — scored probably an extra 50 points for her… Merlin, tell him she'd appreciated it. Tell him she'd seen it. Sure, it wasn't like the extra score hadn't directly benefited him, but he wanted her to know she was his motivation. Every muse deserved their accolades after all.

She looked at him seriously, too seriously, before answering. "I never said it wasn't."

Fuck. This woman. "So, why you leaving? You really just gonna heal me and bounce?" James thought it would be mutually beneficial if she stayed. He'd get to fulfill his lifelong dream of celebrating a victory with a girl he was actually crazy about and she'd get to experience his full service appreciation for having healed him. She couldn't just have mended his Merlindamn jaw for nothing. Surely she expected him to put it to use right afterwards. He knew Lily at this point, or at least he was starting to — everything she did served a higher purpose. He'd be a fool to believe any differently… right?

She giggled, scrunching up her shoulders to deflect his continued flirty onslaught, his fingers tickling her as much as he was trapping her right by his side. "Yes."

"That makes no sense, what's in it for you?"

He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth when her body jolted before freezing.

Fuck.

Why'd you say that? Sure, it's what he felt and knew was true, and he was aware that deep down he still very much didn't trust this woman nor her motives, but she'd actually done something nice for him. Was now really the time to remind her of all those misgivings he had? Even if she'd healed him for herself… did that negate the fact that she'd done it?

But did she heal you for herself? Was James being a complete dickwad in assuming so? Yes. Maybe. Just because he'd become possessed with the thought of sex at every opportunity, didn't mean she had. Lily had clearly been sexually active for a while now, so surely she wasn't nearly as hungry for the act as he was — so saying so had to be an insult. How much of an offense was it to imply that their whole… arrangement revolved around that one singular purpose? Is it starting to mean more for her as well?

James knew it wasn't just about the sex to him — it never had been. He just had never had a relationship of this type before and had absolutely no way of knowing how to navigate it. Not for the first time, James was struggling with whether he was giving her too much, or playing it far too cool. Obviously, he had fallen face first into the latter category now.

Lily's expression was completely impassive as she took a few steps back, staring up at him determinedly. "I like what that jaw does, Potter. Don't break it again." It was like she'd taken all he'd just said, spun it around, and spat it right back at him. If she pretended to agree with his conjecture, his coldness, and also implied that all they had in common was sex, then his attitude couldn't hurt her.

I hurt her.

Lily marched out the door.

Fuck. It was in that very moment that James decided he would do his absolute best to never downplay his feelings for her again. After all, he would so much rather look like a fool than hurt someone he lo— cared for.

James didn't have any fun at the Quidditch victory celebration, too busy thinking about how he could make amends for his callousness to Lily.

Present Day

"What the fuck are you saying?" Sirius asked James, sitting on James' bed as he paced back and forth in his room. (It was a nasty habit that James was afraid he wasn't going to break any time soon.) James had owled him in secret, using enough key words to let Sirius know that he wanted him to visit the safe house apartment as Padfoot instead of in his human form. James already felt like he'd disappointed Dumbledore enough with his inability to remain in near complete solitude, so the more incognito they could make Sirius' emergency drop-in, the better. James knew his best friend was smart enough to pick up what he was putting down on paper.

Except maybe now. "I said I need you to give this letter to Becks," James repeated.

"Why?"

"Because," James began, already exhausted. Ever since his realization that he was still in love with Lily, he'd hadn't been able to sleep, too consumed with the panic of being trapped in this far too small apartment with her. To her credit, Lily had been holed away in her room ever since their chat, and James guessed she was giving him space to figure his shit out. At least he hoped that was her reasoning and she wasn't spiraling out of control and just as overwhelmed as he was. He had no idea how he could simultaneously feel as though he wanted to run away to the other side of the world and wanted to wrench her door wide open so he could simply be with her. He'd been deprived of her company for years and years and years and finally he had her back and he was avoiding her? It felt wrong. So…which of his feelings was greater? His desire for self-preservation or how badly he missed her? "It doesn't seem right to call Rebecca here, ask her to risk her life to do so, only to—"

Sirius let out a strangled scream as if he knew where James was going with his sentence. "Prongs, I know I gave you a hard time about getting serious with her, but I was only teasing. I really like her—"

"I know."

"—and I actually think you guys are great together—"

"I know."

"—and I think you'd be an idiot to let her go—"

"I know."

Sirius sat there for a few seconds. "… Sooo you aren't gonna?"

James ran an agitated hand through his hair as he stopped by his window, looking at the hubbub happening below. "No, I am. I'm breaking up with her."

"What?!"

"It's all in the letter, so I need you to give it to her—"

"You want me to hand deliver your breakup note?"

"Yes. Please."James knew it sounded absurd, but it he'd so much rather Becks hear they were over romantically from a friendly face than by an angry owl, pecking her hand for treats. If he wasn't allowed to leave the house because he was still on duty for the Order, Sirius was the next best man for the — highly unpleasant — job. "I've thought about it a lot, and obviously breaking up won't be easy, but it's for the best, so I've decided—"

"Bullshit."

James spun to look at Sirius, not expecting this reaction. He expected shock, sure, but not outright outrage. It was his turn to say: "What?"

"You haven't decided shit; this is Evans again, isn't it?"

James closed his eyes slowly. "No. This doesn't have anything to do with her." He cringed. "This isn't directly because of her," he amended. "She didn't ask me to dump Becks or anything. Lily just made me realize that I don't love her as much as I think she loves me."

Sirius looked up at the corner of James' room, and James had the distinct feeling that he was mulling over his words, really trying to keep himself from yelling at him. "So let me get this straight: you've been happy with Becks for years, years now, and suddenly Evans shows up at your door and you have this epiphany? And you think that wasn't her doing? You think this isn't exactly how Evans wanted everything to go down?"

How did he explain this without seeming like the world's biggest douche? "I was happy with Rebecca. I was. But…" James looked to his friend hopelessly, needing him to understand. Wanting nothing more than for him to get it even if it barely made sense to himself. "I just don't think it's enough."

Sirius got to his feet. "What isn't enough?"

"What we have…" James couldn't look him in the eye. "It's good it's just…" It was weird to realize in the moment that usually when he trailed off like this Sirius would finish his sentences because they were so in sync with one another. Sirius wasn't doing that now. And without his input, James felt like a bumbling buffoon. "I just realized there's more out there. For both of us. And it's not okay for me to be stringing Rebecca along like this when I do love her." He reached for the rolled up letter on his desk, picking it up and offering it to Sirius.

Sirius looked at the parchment like it was a ticking time bomb and made no move to grab it. "I don't get it. You just said you love her."

James tried getting him to take it once more. "I do, that isn't the issue—"

"That makes no sense."

James sighed, putting the letter back down and rubbing at his eyes instead. "Have you ever been with someone who you know is too good for you, too good for this earth, and you know that they're so much better than you'll ever be? So you have to let them go?"

Sirius pondered this. "Not really."

"Well, that's how I feel. And I don't want to hurt her, but if I stay with her, I know I will."

"Prongs," Sirius said skeptically, pointing to the letter, "this will crush her. You know that right?"

He did. And yet the alternative was so much worse. "It's still for the best."

"Why? Why though?" Sirius pushed. "Stop giving me this little speech you've prepared and just be real with me." Ouch. James supposed just like he'd spent hours and hours crafting his breakup letter with Becks, he'd spent just as much time figuring out what he was going to tell Sirius about it. Too bad his mate saw right through him. "What are you so afraid is gonna happen?"

James' eyes sliced to Sirius, imploring him not to go there. "Nothing."

"Prongs."

"I'm not—"

"James."

He couldn't do this. He couldn't be trapped here with a girl he didn't want to be in love with and a best friend who wouldn't let him have his last tiny slice of denial in peace. James turned back to the window and leaned up against it, dully thudding his forehead against his propped forearm.

Maybe Sirius realized that James was cracking, because his voice sounded a lot softer when he spoke over James' shoulder next. "Did something already happen?"

James took a deep breath in through his nose, trying to focus on the way his lungs expanded. "No. You know I'd never cheat."

Sirius didn't have to say anything for James to know that he was at least a tad happy with that response. "But you think something might happen?"

A raindrop splattered on the windowpane in front of James' face and he watched as it flowed down before being joined by dozens of little friends, polka-dotting the glass. "I don't know," he responded hollowly.

Next Chapter: Cinderella's Dead