The ding of the opening elevator made his heart rate spike and he took a deep breath before stepping off. It still smelled the same.

The sixteenth precinct of the NYPD.

Even after almost a decade, stepping into the squad room still sent his anxiety skyrocketing. Despite working there for over a dozen of years, it's the one certain memory that weighs heavy on him. The incident that prompted his departure, the death of a teenage girl by his hand.

Shaking his head, he tried to rid himself of the panic that started to smolder at the base of his neck. When he rounded the corner, he was shocked at how desolate the squad room was. He knew the jet lag had thrown him off a little but he thought it was a weekday.

Looking down at his phone, he confirmed. Friday, February 7th.

Olivia's birthday.

Readjusting the hold on the bouquet in his hands, he approached the desk just through the corridor. "Excuse me, is Detective Benson in?"

The desk sergeant huffed a laugh. "Detective? You mean Captain?"

The burst of pride that surged through him was quickly dampened by shame. Sergeant, lieutenant, captain. He had missed it all. The potential of what he had missed in her personal life began to darken his peripherals.

"I guess so", he managed, trying to blink away the doubt that he could feel settling in his eyes.

"The whole squad is emergency on call only today. I think they're at that Captain's funeral out in Queens."

Captain? Panic edged up his spine as he wracked his brain to remember if Cragen had been from Queens. Was Olivia really spending her birthday attending the funeral of a man who was the closest thing she had to a father.

Nodding, he took out his phone. It's been years since he had left New York but he still had a couple of contacts from the NYPD.

It felt surreal.

Being at Ed's funeral. Making her way down the receiving line, giving the people he loved the most her condolences. Sitting in the back pew like a distant acquaintance. Having to hide how much they meant to each other, especially at the end.

It was all surreal.

Wringing her hands together, she noted the cool metallic swipe of the new addition on her right hand. The glint of the diamond catching her eye.

When she got to the end of the receiving line, Ed's younger sister, Nora, had pulled her aside. He had two sisters, one older and one younger, and a younger brother but Nora was the baby. She had been so close to Ed their whole lives, so much so she had become somewhat of a little sister to Liv too.

The younger woman had wrapped her in the tightest hug and for a brief second she felt like she had Ed back. "I'm so sorry, Liv", she whispered and Olivia felt the air rush from her lungs and tears prick her eyes.

It was the first time that day someone had acknowledged her grief and it was validating because she felt like she was drowning in it.

When they pulled apart, she was met with a set of familiar blue eyes. They were tired and red-rimmed but no less piercing than Ed's. "Nor, I don't even know what to…"

Ed's sister cut her off with a shake of her head, her dark curls bouncing despite being half pulled back. "Eddie wanted me to do one last favor for him. Still bossing me around." She tried to make light, her small teasing smile identical to her brother's.

Liv let out a teary laugh. "Typical."

"He wanted me to give this to you." Nora took Olivia's hand between hers, warm and comforting, and slipped something small into it. "Much to our mother's chagrin, Eddie decided to be cremated. He asked for me to have some of his ashes pressed into a diamond."

Opening her hand, she looked down at the ring that was placed there. A thin white gold band with what looked like a half carrot round cut diamond. "He wanted you to have a piece of him."

A fresh wave of tears flooded her eyes as she looked up from her hand. Ed. Of course he did. Even after he left this plane of existence, he was still thinking of her.

A sob caught in her throat.

Nora gently grabbed Olivia's forearms and pulling her closer so they were practically hugging. "Listen, I have nothing against Patty but I've never seen him look at anyone the way he looked at you."

The older woman looked up at her and let out a sigh that bordered sob, her eyes overflowing now. "I have a feeling he never stopped loving you."

Olivia's nodded at his sister's kind words. Ed had said the same that last night together, but it's nice to hear it from an outside party. Sometimes she thinks that night was a fever dream, something her mind conjured up to cope with the shock of losing him.

Choking back a whimper, she rubbed the younger woman's arms lovingly. "Your brother was such a special man. He thought the world of you, Nora."

The words made Nora's face falter and she pulled her into a tight hug. They were silent for a moment, the only sound between them the chorus of sniffles, before she spoke. "Always knew he would give you a diamond."

Those words would haunt her. They echoed in her mind as she sat alone in the back of the church. It was like her hands were moving at their own accord as they slipped the ring off of her right hand and placed it on her left ring finger.

It just felt like it belonged there.

She stared at it for a minute, tricking her mind into believing that it was real. That he had given her this ring as a promise of a life together, not as a morbid reminder of what could've been.

Luckily, she did not have to face his wife when she got to the church. Patty had been pulled to the side in deep conversation with someone and Olivia busied herself with the rest of Ed's family. The family she and Noah had been warmly welcomed into once upon a time.

There was a certain shame that settled in her stomach at the envy she felt for a brand new widow. She would have gladly brunt the burden and heartache of losing a husband if it meant spending his last months with him. If it meant being his.

The words he had whispered behind closed doors, words for only her to hear, claimed her as his. But there was a selfish part of her that wanted more. Wanted everyone to know that this man loved her.

"Liv", the soft, familiar voice broke through her train of thought.

There in the aisle was her squad, her family. Fin, Sonny and Amanda standing at the entrance of the pew. She wasn't usually one for PDA but something unstoppable came over her.

Rushing towards them, Olivia went straight into Amanda's arms and released a quiet sob in her hair. The blonde's somber eyes connected with the two men's as her arms circled her captain, the sympathy emitting from them surrounding her in its warmth.

Carisi leaned into the two women and pressed a kiss to the brunette's temple as Fin reached out and rubbed her back.

They stayed like that for a beat, enveloping her in the care that she showed everyone on a daily basis, before taking their seats. Carisi and Amanda flanked her while Fin sat in the pew directly behind her.

The church was starting to really fill up, a sea of dress blues. Olivia had decided against wearing them herself. She had spent over an hour that morning staring at her closet in a mental debate.

As a member of the NYPD, it's customary to wear dress blues to a funeral of a colleague. But he was so much more than a colleague, he was the love of her life and she wanted to look good for him. One last time.

So, that morning she picked out a simple, fitted, black dress and a black knee-length trench. Both items of clothing attached to a memory of Ed. His hands had lowered the zipper of this dress at the end of many nights out, he had helped her into this jacket more times that she could count.

Wearing them made her feel close to him again. And she held onto any piece of him that she could.

Putting the car in park, Elliot heaved a deep sigh as he eyed the overflowing church. It only took him a few calls to a couple of old contacts to find out where the funeral was being held. In those phone calls, however, he couldn't bring himself to confirm who the service was for.

Seeing Olivia after all this time was enough to set his nerve on a razor sharp edge, he couldn't wrap his head around saying goodbye to a father figure like Cragen too.

As he approached the church, a certain insecurity started crawling up the back of his neck. He looked down at his current attire. Black jeans, a dark gray Henley covered by a black leather jacket. To the outside eye, he was relatively presentable for such an occasion but that didn't stop the guilt from gnawing at him.

Even after so many years out of the department, he still felt extremely underdressed not being in his dress blues. He was able to slip through the doors quietly and the service was well underway. With the church being at capacity, almost a complete sea of midnight blue, he didn't look out of place lingering in the corridor.

A woman with dark, curly hair tearfully finished her goodbye at the alter before returning to one of the front pews. From what he could see, there was an urn at the front instead of a casket but his view of the portrait next to it was obscured my dozens of heads.

That's when he heard it.

In a space filled with sniffles, whimpers and weeps, there was one small sob that struck something inside of him. He would know that pitch and tone anywhere. But for the last nine years he had only heard in late at night, in his dreams.

There it was again. This time, he felt it like an electrical jolt at the base of his spine. His keen detective eyes darted around before…

There she was.

From this angle all he could see was her profile but damn, if she still didn't take his breath away. Her beautiful face was tear streaked and faltered as she choked back another sob.

It broke his heart.

The silver-haired man next to her wrapped his arm around her and she buried her head in his shoulder. Envy and guilt swirled in his gut. This man was effortlessly and openly there for Olivia in a way he had always dreamed of being. He had only ever felt the heat of jealousy like this when it came to Olivia. And after almost a decade, he forgot how all-consuming it could be.

When she wiped her cheeks, he noticed a glint off the diamond on her left hand and his broken heart plummeted to his stomach. The man she was cuddled against must be who gave her the ring and for the life of him, he could not place his face.

The younger blonde woman next to her weaved her arm through Olivia's and leaned her head on her shoulder in a show of comfort. It was clear that these people loved and cared for her a great deal. Elliot knew he should be happy that she had people like that in her life but he couldn't help feel like he's been replaced. In the end, this was his own doing but it didn't make it hurt any less.

It was strange that these people were clearly so close to her, yet he had no clue who they are and more importantly, who they were to Olivia.

And then, a familiar face. An older Fin leaned forward from the pew behind her and pressed a kiss to her head before whispering something into her hair. Her eyes fell shut and she nodded tearfully, sinking into the people around her.

That's when one of the funeral director's approached him quietly. "Excuse me, sir. I saw you sneak in. Did you get a mass card?"

He muttered a thank you as he took the card and she excused herself.

Shock didn't begin to describe what he was feeling when he looked down at the mass card.

Capt. Edward Patrick Tucker

May 9, 1960- January 30, 2020

A small picture of a man who he saw as a nemesis for so many years stared back at him. His brain sped up as it tried to connect the dots with this new piece of information.

Olivia crying like that over Tucker? Her obvious heartbreak made sense when he had assumed this was Cragen's funeral but this just baffled him. She was the most compassionate person he had ever met but… Tucker??

The confusion mixed with the looming feeling of being so far on the outside of her life began to weigh heavy on him. When he turned and headed back into the foyer of the church, one of the photo collages caught his eye.

Was that…? It couldn't be…

Blinking and getting a little closer, Elliot could not believe his eyes. Nothing could've prepared him for this.

Wrapped in the arms of his former nemesis was his former partner. She was older but she was no less breathtaking. Even he glimpse of her gorgeous profile in the church paled in comparison to her beaming smile right in front of him.

In the picture, Olivia was on Tucker's lap as he sat in a lawn chair in a lush green, partially shaded yard. His arms were around her and the toddler she had in her lap, all three of their faces bright with laughter.

The boy. Dark hair and blue eyes, no older than three years old.

They looked… like a family. It made his stomach turn.

His eyes darted around the board littered with pictures until he found another one with the boy. In this one, the child was asleep on Tucker's chest as they sit on a patio swing. Olivia could be seen out of focus in the background, staring at them with an obscene amount of love.

Those were the only two with Olivia but he spotted the young boy in a couple of others, grouped with several other young children as they piled on Ed.

"Those kids loved him." A soft voice broke through his racing thoughts. Next to him was the woman he had seen at the altar earlier, the one with the dark curly hair.

Trying to appear unaffected, Elliot nodded and softly added. "It looked like it."

"I'm Nora, Eddie's sister. How did you know my brother?" His sister, of course. They had those same piercing eyes, her's held a kindness her brother's often lacked.

"I used to work for the NYPD." He cleared his throat, deciding being vague was best.

A teary smile spread across her face. "Eddie always said it was hard for him to make friends at work considering where he was assigned. It means a lot that so many of you came out for him."

The guilt that washed over him was surprising and acute. "It's what we do." He offered before reaching a kind hand out to her arm. "I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Thank you…"

"Elliot."

"Elliot", she parroted with a little smile. "I appreciate you coming."

Just as she turned away, he called her name quietly and she turned back. "This woman", he started, pointing at the picture of Tucker, Olivia and the boy. "She looks familiar but I can't seem to place her. Do you happen to know her name?"

Leaning forward to look, she responded. "Oh yeah, that's Olivia. Her and Ed dated for a while. Between you and me, I thought they were gonna get married."

Choking back the bile that rose in his throat, he got up the nerve to push a little farther. "Why didn't they?"

She shrugged, her eyes lingering on the collage of photos. "He never really went into it. But he carried a torch for her to the very end, I can tell you that much. She works for the department too, a really decorated Captain. She's the boss of the sex crimes unit, or at least she was when they dated, my brother said she ran one of the best squads."

"I believe it." He mused, a burgeoning pride rivaling the guilt that sat heavy on his shoulders. "Thank you for your time and again, I'm sorry about your brother."

Squeezing his arm lightly, she gave him a kind smile before heading back. Leaving him, standing there with a new wealth of information he had no idea what to do with.

The church was emptying out after the service ended, the congestion of people lessening as they slowly dispersed. Olivia and her squad had just made it to the foyer of the church when Ed's partner approached them.

"Cole", she didn't hesitate to pull him right into a hug before muttering, "I'm so sorry for your loss."

"You too, Liv", he returned sincerely.

Amanda touched her arm gently. "We'll wait for you outside, Liv."

Pulling away from the hug, she nodded at her squad as they excused themselves outside. "Listen", Cole cleared his throat, cutting right to the chase. He was so alike Ed in that way. "He left something for you."

Reaching into his suit jacket, he pulled out a small sealed envelope. Her name written in his familiar scrawl made her heart leap.

When he handed it to her, she felt a fresh round of tears form as she ran her fingertips over the pen track on the paper. "He cared for you a great deal, Olivia." She looked up at him with wet eyes and forced a sad smile.

"The same goes for you, Cole." She replied. "There was no one he trusted more than you."

"Except maybe you." He smirked before reaching out to squeeze her arm softly. "Take care, Liv."

Flipping the envelope over in her hands, Olivia ran her hands over the neat script for the hundredth time since she got it.

"Why don't you open it?" Amanda suggested gently from her place beside her.

Shoving it back into the pocket of her trench coat where it lay over her lap, Olivia shook her head as she took a generous sip of her wine. "I don't know if I'd be able to keep it together." She admitted, her voice barely audible over the steady hum of the bar.

It had always been hard for her to be vulnerable but she had gotten better with it over the years, especially when it came to her squad. They were a balm that soothed her abandonment issues, continuously showing up for her at every turn.

Reaching out, Amanda reached out to grab her hand. "I get that."

They we're both tucked in a corner booth at one of the restaurant they all frequented often, Fin and Carisi grabbing another round at the bar. "There's something surreal about the last person you slept with dying." Olivia revealed, leaning closer to her friend so she didn't have to talk too loudly. "It feels weird thinking about ever being with everyone else. Like maybe my sex drive died with him."

Clasping the brunette's hand between hers, Amanda dipped her head to catch the other woman's eyes. "I think that feeling is very normal for anyone who lost someone that they're in love with." Olivia's red-rimmed eyes cut to her, normally such a look might have caused her pause but she didn't falter. "But as you grieve, I think you'll move past that. You're an incredible woman with the most beautiful soul. It'd be a damn shame to not drown someone in all that love you have to give."

A fresh round of tears sprung to her big brown eyes as she pulled her best friend into a hug. It wasn't the first time she felt grateful that her squad had morphed into some new age version of a family, but she felt like her heart was swelling past capacity. "And I think the entire island of Manhattan will go into mourning if the Olivia Benson closed up shop." She felt her detective whisper cheekily into her hair.

Pulling away, Liv choked on a tearful laugh and pressed her forehead against her friends, basking in the comfort that only comes from someone who really knows you.

"Are we interrupting something?" Sonny teased as him and Fin approached the booth.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Amanda teased with her signature southern drawl.

With one of the first genuine smiles that day, Olivia scooted out of the booth and slipped her trench on. "I should get going, I want to spend some time with Noah before the day is through. He baked cupcakes with Lucy." She held up her phone, showing them the picture from her babysitter.

The crew surrounded her in their embrace and the reverence she had for them warmed every cell of her being.

"This was", she heaved a deep breath as she pulled back from them. "Not the greatest birthday. I couldn't have gotten through it without you, guys. Thank you."

Sonny grabbed her forearm affectionately and Fin laid a comforting hand on her shoulder. "We'll take you out for real next weekend." Amanda promised, holding the other woman's hand clasped in hers.

"And get you nice and drunk." Fin added, earning a chorus of soft chuckles.

Catching a glimpse of Olivia as she walked out of the restaurant, Elliot sat up and turned the ignition. The engine roared to life as watched her hop in a black SUV down the block.

It had been years since he had to do a stakeout in the city. And even though Olivia was the person he was looking out for, it felt surreal that she wasn't sitting beside him.

It was all surreal.

The world he had stepped back into after years out of the country could only be described as an alternate universe. He used to feel like he belonged on these streets, walking in stride beside her. Now, he couldn't feel like he was more on the outside of the life she had built without him.

He would be lying if he said he hadn't imagined what her life had turned out to be like. In his mind, she had ended up with some faceless man. Someone who was no competition, someone who didn't deserve her.

No one deserved her.

What he didn't envision was her being heartbroken, let alone over Tucker. Logistically it made sense, her finding someone within the department. He just could've never fathomed it would Tucker, that she would start a family with Tucker.

The thought of her growing with another man's baby cause jealousy to flare in his belly and he had to swallow down the burning. It was supposed to be him. But he only had one person to blame.

Sighing heavily, Elliot put the car in drive and started slowly down the block. He made a point to stay several cars behind her at all time, if anyone could spot him in would be her.

Pacing her living room, Olivia looked down at the envelope she fidgeted with in her hands. Her bare feet padding against the hard wood floor was the only sound that filled the space.

The possibility of what was inside had her mind running wild. Whatever it was seemed firmer than paper, a card maybe?

She had spent the last several days yearning for another piece of him, anything. She couldn't come to terms with the fact that their story was done being written. It was just so final.

But this changes everything. What she thought were his last words to her were no longer his last, she just wasn't sure if she was ready see what those words were.

Did he regret their last night together? Was the guilt of cheating a contributing factor?

Before she could spiral down that rabbit hole, she tore the paper open carefully to keep the envelope intact. She had an overwhelming urge to preserve every piece of him she could.

Inside was a photograph, the one of all three of them in front of the Eiffel Tower. He must've grabbed it on his way out. And a folded piece of paper.

The smile on Ed's face took her breath away. She hadn't been able to bring herself to look at any picture of him since she had gotten the news, she even tried to avoid his portrait at the funeral.

The tips of her fingers ran along the edge of his face, smile beaming. The kinda smile you would only get from Ed candidly. The ache in her belly for him only intensified.

When she looked at the folded note, seeing the ink bleed through the paper in the shape on his handwriting made her heart pound beneath her ribcage. The gravity of the power that his words held weighed so heavily on her that her fingers felt paralyzed.

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath in hopes to calm her raging her nerves. When she unfolded the piece of paper, she focused her jittery eyes on his familiar scrawl.

Olivia,

I'm so sorry, sweetheart, but this is something I have to do. I had made up my mind before our night together so please don't think that had anything to do with this. Nothing could've changed my mind, but lying with you in that bed, the bed that knows so many of our secrets, that came pretty close.

Not everyone gets the chance to sit back and reflect on their life and I've gotten that rare opportunity. I can say with absolute certainty that you were the best part of my life. You and Noah. You gave me purpose and a love I never could've imagined.

Please don't feel guilty, you did nothing but love me. And just know I love you, so much it feels like my heart could burst.

Always yours,

Ed

By the time she got to the end, her vision had become blurry with tears. And when she blinked they fell like rain onto the letter in her hands.

Falling back on the couch, she buried her face in her hands. All the emotions that she had tried so hard to keep at bay all day came rushing the the surface. The cries that wracked her body started to intensify and she hugged in of her throw pillows to her chest and buried her face in the fabric.

The last thing she wanted was Noah waking up to the sounds of her uncontrollable sobs.

A firm knock at the door made her eyes cut to the foyer keenly. She sniffled, the only thing stopping her marathon cry session was the unknown visitor at the door.

Standing up and heading to the door, she used the collar of her worn tee to halfheartedly wipe at her tear stained face. It was actually Ed's shirt, one she had fished out from the very bottom of her drawer. She knew hoping it still smelled like was foolish but that didn't stop her from pressing her nose against the soft fabric.

Grief fogged her mind to the point that she didn't even look through the peephole but boy, did she wish he did.

Because on the other side of the door was Elliot goddamn Stabler.

He was more muscular and the lines on his face were deeper but he looked exactly the same.

Olivia had thought about this moment a lot, the moment he came crashing back into her life and set her entire world on fire. She thought she would have dozens and dozens of questions, so many she wouldn't know where to start.

But her mind was blank.

All she could focus on was him right in front of her. His thick brows pulled together in concern as his worried eyes took in her appearance. Face streamed with tears and mascara, worn oversized tee and shorts so short they're hidden underneath.

Any other time she would be hyper aware of her disheveled look but it didn't even cross her mind. The man standing in front of her had been the closest thing to home for so long and there was a part of her that craved that comfort no matter where it came from.

"Elliot…" she didn't even recognize her own voice.

Shrugging helplessly, he spoke and and the sound of his voice was like something out of a half remembered dream. "I wanted to see you for your birthd…"

Muscle memory took over and she stepped into him and when his arms circled her, she completely broke down.