A/N: This is the replacement for my now discontinued Halo story, "Fragments." Over the course of my Mass Effect career, I always loved how much of a total jackass Shepard could be, especially in Mass Effect 2. Hence, this little series was born.

Just Shepard Things

Summary: After the Collector attack on the SSV Normandy, Commander Shepard is brought back by Project Lazarus. However, the commander has ideas on how to get on Cerberus's nerves.

*Probes*

Miranda Lawson was many things. A gifted biotic, a highly trained special operative for Cerberus, and a brilliant scientist who pulled off the impossible in bringing life back to the spaced corpse of Commander Jane Shepard.

But patient? Nope. She was not patient in the slightest. Miranda was in the business of getting results and assisting the commander in her goal of taking out the Collectors after it was determined they were behind the human abductions.

The special operative massaged her temples and prayed for strength to deal with the barely clad and still heavily scarred commander in front of her on the Normandy SR-2's bridge. "No. Absolutely not."

"Oh come on," Jane Shepard groaned, slouching back against the seat she had stolen from the crew barracks. "Let me have a bit of fun." The commander was wearing a beat up light grey shirt and little else besides underwear. Not an appropriate message to be sending to the troops.

"No!" Miranda glared at the woman as she fiddled with the pair of dog tags worn around her neck. "I am not letting you host a conference call with the team wearing nothing."

"Miranda, we have an important mission and an entire galaxy to save," Shepard protested. "There's no time for pants. And technically, this ship is a civilian one, not military. I'm not breaching any regulations." She wasn't wrong and had a point. Many of the crew who saw her as they passed by them also had points. Points in the trouser department to be specific.

Miranda couldn't blame them. Despite her scars not fully healing and her eyes having a tinge of red in them, Shepard was an attractive woman for a military officer. Still, what the hell kind of message would it send if the commanding officer was strutting around in her damn underwear?

Joker, the Normandy's ace pilot, cackled over the local comms. "Hey, commander, you have an incoming call from the Illusive Man. Want me to patch him through so you can hang up on him like we used to do to the Council?"

Miranda's scowl deepened when Shepard began to smirk deviously. "Nah, not yet. Tell him I'm sleeping in my cabin until we reach the Sol System. We have a few planets to probe for resources."

"Aye aye, Commander. I'll get us there. Joker out."

"Goddammit, Shepard, put on some damn pants. Now." Miranda was so done with the commander's antics. She could see why people followed Shepard; the woman was a charismatic leader who commanded both respect and loyalty. No one messed with the Normandy's crew without invoking the wrath of Shepard, whether they be a hardened krogan warlord or a reporter asking stupid questions. She'd respond the same way.

Shepard would punch them in the face to prove she wasn't a pushover despite her less than serious acts onboard the Normandy. Couldn't deny it provided results. It also showed just how done Shepard was with playing nice. The Alliance had screwed her over once they heard she was dead during the attack on the original Normandy and since then, Shepard had decided to just stop caring what anyone besides her crew thought of her. She'd handle the Collectors her own way. That's how Shepard was; she always managed to get impossible missions done and without any lethal injuries. Somehow, Miranda wasn't convinced that it was luck. No one had a track record like the commander's from sheer dumb luck alone.

"Fine, fine." Jane Shepard smirked and swung her legs out of the comfortable chair, strolling past a blushing Yeoman Chambers. Miranda didn't miss a few male and female crewmembers ogling their CO and she sighed.

"I can't believe I miss the damn labs…things were so much easier back then," she grumbled.

Somehow, this was going to get worse.

About an hour later, Shepard had finally gotten some sense back and fitted on a pair of black combat trousers that had definitely seen better days. Tears were in the knees and a pair of matching combat boots covered her feet. Gone was the lax commander who stopped giving a shit and in her place was the hero of the Citadel, humanity's first Spectre.

"Entering the Sol System," EDI quipped. The AI onboard the Normandy annoyed the living hell out of Joker, but at least he found a way of making it shut up when he really didn't want to hear her. Thank God for mute buttons.

Joker disengaged the FTL drive and activated the Normandy's stealth systems, the upgraded frigate coasting near the edge of Sol. A light blue planet floated into view and Shepard walked into the cockpit to give her pilot the specific instructions. "Fly us over there and keep a low profile. If any Alliance ships detect us, send the encrypted message I provided for such an instance."

"Commander, telling the Alliance to, quote, 'Fuck off and blow me,' is not an appropriate response to a dreadnaught." If a spherical hologram could frown, EDI was definitely doing it.

"Yeah? I'd like to see them have an answer for the new gun." Shepard smirked. The Thanix Cannon that Garrus had installed onto the frigate would decimate any ship with two hits. Thank God the turian still had access to the blueprints of the experimental toys the Alliance was developing. "Oh wait, they don't. Silly me."

Joker snorted in laughter. "Coming into orbit now, commander."

"Excellent. Fire the probe," Shepard ordered.

If it was possible for an AI to be annoyed, EDI definitely was now. "Commander, this is both a waste of time and valuable resources. The gas giants of the Sol system have been depleted of any minerals that we could use to upgrade the Normandy."

"So you're telling me Uranus is depleted?" Shepard asked innocently.

Joker choked.

So did the bridge crew who overheard the conversation.

"Yes," EDI deadpanned, not amused by the commander's antics.

"Fire a probe. We have to make sure," Shepard ordered.

"Really, commander?"

"Do it."

EDI let out a sigh of defeat. "Probing Uranus."

The AI was going to conveniently forget to operate the Normandy's trash compactor for a few days or so.

A/N: Like I said, miniseries so nothing really big or time consuming. I just love the idea of Shepard being an ass for the hell of it. Look, after being dead for two years and given up on, she has a reason to be somewhat pissed.

-Kagerou#0007