"...just die."
Shinji woke up, upright and lunging for an image that was never there. Gasping for air, he felt as if he'd run a marathon, and going by how soaked his sheets were he'd apparently been sweating in kind. He withdrew his outstretched hand, slapping it on his face while he caught his breath. Another nightmare. Always the same, but always different enough to feel fresh. Nearly a year since Third Impact, and he'd thought he'd been getting better. The nightmares had eased up for a while, but as the new year approached they had reared up with a vengeance. He couldn't bring himself to be surprised. He wasn't so lucky as to be free from this burden so quickly. Or at all.
A thumping and a groan from the wall pulled him from his thoughts. Of course, he wouldn't be the only one suffering. But at least in his case he deserved it, she was just another victim.
Shinji shook his head. Enough. These thoughts had never accomplished anything before, and they weren't going to now. It was still something he was working on, but he was getting better at breaking these dark spirals before they went too far. It was why he'd thrown away his SDAT.
Standing up, Shinji quietly snuck out of his room and through the hall before stopping right outside Asuka's door. Now that he was closer he could hear the noises that much better. The groans, the growls, the thrashing. And the whimpers. His chest felt as if it was being crushed by a stone.
He remembered the aftermath of the Fifteenth, hearing her scream and cry through the walls as she crumbled under the festering wounds that the angel had brutally reopened in her mind. He'd done nothing then. He could do nothing now.
And yet, he'd stood here before. Just as Shinji's nightmares had worsened, so had hers. And every night, he'd stand by her door, frozen. Determined as he was to do something, anything, he was lost.
What should he do? What could he do?
"Shinji."
That was all it took. Without thinking, he'd opened her door before she'd finished exhaling. Quietly padding over by her side, he knelt down by the bed, eyes fixated on her face. His heart ached. More than anyone in the world, he clung to the memories he'd shared with Asuka in Instrumentality. Her voice, her face, her every look, every expression, every quirk or noise was etched into his memory. He treasured them, from her scowl to the rare Gentle smile. And that look of pain, her forehead scrunched, eyes squeezed tight, mouth pulled into a grimace… it didn't belong there.
Her arm moved slightly forward, a sluggish attempt at raising it high, reaching up at the monsters who'd torn her apart. No one else would have recognized the movement, as to anyone else it'd appear as if she was just shifting her arm from her chest, but he knew. He'd seen that memory. As clearly in his own nightmarish memories as if it was one of his own.
He caught her hand before it fell, clasping it firmly before bringing up his other hand to hold her's with both of his.
Asuka's movements slowed and her face slowly relaxed.
And with that, the answer was clear. Every night, he'd wake upon hearing her nightmares. And every night, he'd quietly sneak in and hold her hand for a few hours, until the monsters of her mind settled and her sleep became restful, before sneaking back into his room before the sun rose.
Admittedly, it wasn't entirely selfless. Shinji's own nightmares woke him just as much as the sounds of hers. Between facing them again and holding the hand of the girl that… holding Asuka's hand, it wasn't really a tough decision. He got about the same amount of rest anyway, so the lack of sleep went seemingly unnoticed by his roommates.
Well, maybe Pen Pen. Little guy had caught him during a late night bathroom run once. But Shinji was sure he could keep a secret. Just to be sure, he'd start putting a bit of extra effort into the penguin's meals.
As the new year grew closer the pattern continued, until one night he awoke to only the sounds of his own gasps for air. The wall beside him was silent. Was she finally having a night without nightmares? He felt a bit guilty that the relief from that idea was tinged with a hint of jealousy. It'd be nice to make it through the entire night without being drenched in his own sweat, but if Asuka alone was able to have that then he would be happy.
As his breathing slowed, he realized that the apartment wasn't as silent as he thought. Though far softer than his roommates normal nightly noises, he heard a crinkling and crackling coming from the living room. He recognized the noise, he'd heard it many times those nights he wandered the ruins of Tokyo-3 before humanity began to rebuild. The sound of a campfire.
The thought of a warm fireplace was pretty appealing at the moment. Somehow Third Impact had fixed whatever was wrong with the Earth's axis, and Japan was again experiencing the changes of seasons. The many blankets he had to ward off the cold weren't very effective when soaked and he felt a chill run through him. Yeah, fire sounded good right now.
Using the stealth he'd honed through his nightly rituals, he softly made his way to the living room and peeked out his head just enough to see.
There sat Asuka, lazily poking the fire with a poker. He stared for a while, as she casually put on some more wood before resuming her poking.
"You just gonna stand there, or are you gonna come sit by the fire?"
Well, apparently he hadn't been as stealthy as he'd thought. Shinji didn't know what he expected, Asuka had always been the more observant one as they'd survived their time in the ruins.
"Right. Okay," Shinji said, only stammering a little. He blamed the surprise.
He passed over a few feet from her, awkwardly shifting his weight as he didn't know where to sit. There wasn't really much room given the position of the fire and Asuka.
Asuka patted the space beside her without looking up, causing Shinji to smile. Back then, they'd ended up having to sit side-by-side, leaning into each other in order to deal with the unfamiliar cold. They'd stopped when they'd finally gotten a proper shelter to live in, but he couldn't deny that he'd missed it. He just hadn't had the courage to ask to do it again.
Sitting down where she'd indicated, he was taken off guard as she leaned into him and lightly rested her head against his shoulder. Some part of his brain realized that he must be slightly taller than her now for the angle to work like this, but he filed that away for later. Feeling unsure, but emboldened, he hesitantly raised the arm beside her and slowly wrapped it around her shoulders. She responded by snuggling in deeper, to which he tightened his grip. Reaching out, she took hold of his other hand, sitting uselessly in his lap, and held it between her own. After sitting like that for a few moments, she finally tilted her head to look him in the eye.
"I know you've been coming to visit every night."
Well. Shit. Shinji's mouth went dry and his tongue refused to function. Just as well, as she continued.
"Not sure when you started, but when I realized you weren't trying to do anything pervy I let it slide."
Oh. Shame flooded every fiber of his being. Even without directly saying it, he knew what she meant. They'd only briefly discussed it, but the moment in the hospital still weighed heavy on him. And he knew that she wasn't over it either.
She turned her head to face him completely, lightly shifting her body. "Hey," Asuka said with a bit of force, "stop thinking about that and look at me. I'm not done."
Shinji realized he'd lowered his head at some point and lifted it back up to look her in the eye. It took some effort, but he'd worked hard over the year to be able to do it consistently. He hadn't realized how much it mattered to her before looking into each other's head, but once he did he'd promised to keep eye contact when speaking to her. No more hiding.
"It helped," she said simply, picking up where she'd left off, "I've been sleeping better and it's… nice. But from now on, you don't have to keep kneeling like that. Bring your futon with you. We can hold hands just as well without you ruining your knees."
She squeezed his hand.
"And maybe you can get some sleep too. Don't think I haven't noticed."
Shinji's face twisted in confusion. What had given him away?
Luckily, she could read his face as well as he could read her's.
"You've slipped a bit with your chores. And your cooking has suffered," she raised an accusing eyebrow.
Shinji's face fell. But she squeezed his hand again.
"But I'll forgive you, as long as you fix it. It'd be stupid to go through all that effort of making a cake just to half-ass it."
Ah. She knew about the cake. She smirked, and he realized he really wasn't as sneaky as he thought.
Shinji smiled, "Yeah. I'll remake it, just to be sure. That one was going to be a practice cake anyway."
"And bait for Misato?" she asked, exasperation leaking into her voice.
"And to use it as bait for Misato so she won't find the real one," Shinji confirmed.
Asuka sniffed. "Good," she said with a tone of finality. She looked back at the fire.
Shinji joined her in looking at the fire, a contemplative silence falling over him. He squeezed her hand this time.
"Thank you, Asuka."
"For what?" There was genuine confusion in her voice.
"For letting me hold your hand. For helping me have peaceful nights."
'For accepting me.'
She hummed, hearing the unsaid thoughts behind his words.
"You missed my birthday last year with your stupid stunt in the Eva."
Shinji nodded, despite knowing she wouldn't see it.
"So you better make up for it this year."
Shinji nodded again. "Yeah. I will. And for every year after."
Asuka closed her eyes, and leaned all her weight into his side.
"Good."
She paused, "And Shinji?"
He hummed questioningly, eyes flitting over to her's to see them still closed, "Yeah?"
"Thank you."
'For caring. For keeping the monsters away.
For accepting me.'
Shinji felt a smile take over his face, much larger than his usual small ones.
"You're welcome, Asuka."
Turning back to the fire, he closed his eyes as well, just taking comfort in the warmth of the flames. And of the girl besides him, who dozed off peacefully knowing that when the white vultures next came and hurled that accursed spear, a purple hand would be there to stop it.
.
.
.
.
.
His eyes shot open.
"Asuka."
"Yeah?" she said softly.
"We don't have a fireplace."
.
.
.
.
.