6:00 AM

Akane never expected her life to be normal. Chaos was the name of the game in the Tendo household. She had, by the short age of sixteen, dealt with numerous fiance(e)s coming after her fiance(e), people turning into pandas, people turning into cats, people turning into ducks, people turning into...whatever Pantyhose Taro was supposed to be, giant mutant animals in forests, almost dying...you named it, she had been through it.

But why did she need to put up with this?

She just wanted to enjoy her early morning jog in peace, dammit. She didn't want to deal with the latest squabbling in her family's little slice of Nerima.

"SHAMPOO!"

"Get out of way, Mousse! It's delivery time!"

"You two idiots get out of my way! I need to deliver some okonomiyaki to Ran-chan before Akane-chan gets to poison him today!"

Akane's vision alternated between black and red with her rage.

"MY COOKING IS NOT POISON!"

"Worse than poison!" Shampoo agreed, throwing a chui at Ukyo, who deflected with her spatula.

"Between poison and your cooking, I'd take my chances with poison!" Wow, not even Ukyo was that mean to Akane. Usually.

Tensions were still running high after that bombed-out wedding.

Akane growled.

Her cooking did not poison people. She strode back to her house, fuming all the while. She'd show them.

"Ah, yes, Tofu-sensei?" Kasumi enquired. "Erm, do you know the best way to deal with food poisoning...yes, Akane tried to make breakfast today..."

Tofu-sensei murmured something in a pleasant, indistinct voice.

The kitchen was a smoking crater.

Akane hung her head. She thought she could manage toasting a little bit of bread. Just a little. And some tea and rice porridge.

Those were simple, beginner's recipes. She thought she could speed things up with the rice-cooking part. After all, if the rice got cooked at medium flame over fifteen minutes, then it would take only super super super high flame to cook in just a few seconds. And she only tried making toast at 1400 degrees in several seconds. It was simple math, when you considered that Kasumi usually made toast at 140 degrees over several minutes.

"What are you doing?" Ranma had yelled, running for cover when she succeeded in heating the tea to 740 degrees. "That's not how you make tea – here, let me show – ack!"

She didn't know what to think when several of the kitchen appliances burst into flames right then and there. Or why the knife had dissolved into molten metal and dripped into the rice porridge.

"...No, how could I have stopped my little sister when she wanted to do something so sweet like make breakfast...?...Well, of course, Tofu-sensei, you know not all of us are equipped with cast-iron stomachs like Ranma-kun...we had no choice but to make him eat it all...he's Akane's fiance, after all."

Tofu-sensei said something again. Akane was glad that she couldn't make out exactly what his words were...she didn't love him anymore, but a part of her still cared very much what he thought of her.

"Right, a special stomach tonic that you got from some doctor in Beijing...? You're so kind, Tofu-sensei, thank you so much for lending me the recipe..."

Ranma was an interesting shade of poison purple by the time Kasumi had finished making the special stomach tonic. Kasumi, kindly big sister that she was, didn't rub Akane's latest cooking disaster in her face. At least, not on purpose.

"You'll improve one day, Akane," she said (sounding doubtful), fishing out any salvageable ingredients from the death zone that was the kitchen. "And if you don't, well, Ranma-kun can cook for both of you! Nabiki told me he looked cute in that apron, and his own mother appreciated his cooking. So don't worry!"

Akane stomped off at that juncture, grumbling under her breath and blinking back tears of frustration and rage. The kitchen would be unusable for several hours, so that meant take-out for the rest of the day.

And she had worked so hard on the meal too...

The phone rang at that precise moment. Akane supposed it was Tofu again.

"Hello. Tendo residence here," Akane said, trying to inject a modicum of cheer into her voice and not succeeding.

"Akane-chan?" She was right. "Could you put Kasumi-san on the phone again? I, erm, might have mixed up the recipe for stomach tonic with...something else."

Akane pressed her palm into her aching eyes. The good doctor was an excellent physician...when Kasumi wasn't around. When Kasumi was around...

"What did you mix it up with, Tofu-sensei?"

She wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer to this. Was it hair loss potion? Fang growth potion? A hiccup solution? She blushed. What if it was an aphrodisiac?

Wait, that wouldn't be a good thing. Ranma had at least five people chasing after him at any given time. For that matter, so did she.

"I...please give it to her soon, Akane-chan. This is urgent."

Just then, the pungent smell of arsenic wafted from the guest bedroom in which Ranma was laying prone, and Akane passed out.

She woke up in a futon with her big sister kneeling over her, stuffing a putrid-tasting concoction into her mouth.

"Say 'ahh,' Ranma-kun," Kasumi said, wiping a golden substance neither solid nor liquid from Akane's face. "This is the special stomach tonic Tofu-sensei told me about over the phone. Eat up!"

It tasted like gunpowder and arsenic, along with hints of charred metal, motor oil, bread crumbs, and chamomile tea for some reason.

It short, it tasted just like the breakfast she had made, and which her whole family had forced Ranma to eat like he was a sacrificial lamb.

A twinge of pity for her fiance pricked at her chest. Ranma was a jerk, but even he didn't deserve to suffer like this.

Her eyes narrowed as Kasumi's words finally struck her in full, like thunder.

Say 'ahh'...

...Ranma-kun?

Someone downstairs emitted a very high-pitched scream.

A/N: I don't know if anyone has done body swap fics for Ranma/Akane (I'm sure there must be some out there)...but I wrote this anyway.

Reviews are love! :)