Deadpool sits on the railing on an overpass with a radio, which begins playing, 'Shoop' by Salt-n-Pepa. A small piece of tape on it reads, 'Archer'. As he silently sings the lyrics to the song, he doodles a drawing of himself shooting a man in the head. The man's speech bubble reads, 'Hi, I'm Keith!' After a moment, he turns towards the camera, addressing the audience.
"Wha... Oh!" He says, feigning surprise. "Oh, hello. I know, right? Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with 'Adam Peed'. And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under," he says in a high-pitched voice that almost sounds womanly. "Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and, oh..." Deadpool's takes his attention off the audience and sets his sights upon his target. "Bad guys to kill."
The caravan from earlier approaches from the freeway below, with one of the SUVs playing Juice Newton's 'Angel of the Morning' on the radio. "Maximum effort," Deadpool says, before nonchalantly dropping down and crashing through the SUV's sunroof.
The driver swerves, sending a car smashing into the barrier. Deadpool elbows two guys in the back seat before kicking the man in the passenger seat. He slams one of the goons' faces onto the back of the driver's seat before nailing another goon in the crotch. "Cock shot." He grabs the goon he nailed in the crotch and slams him into the driver before flinging him out the hatchback. The goon clings to the bumper as he's dragged along, screaming, and holding on for dear life. "Ha!" Deadpool chides, mockingly.
The goon whose face Deadpool slammed into the back of the driver's seat grabs Deadpool and shoves his face against the headrest, attempting to hold him in place. "Rich Corinthian leather," Deadpool said, taking note of the high-quality furbishing of the vehicles interior, before breaking free from the man's grasp. He nails the guy across the face with his boot before grabbing the guy by the neck with both feet. "I'm looking for Keith!" He snaps the goon's neck before turning his attention towards the goons in the front seats. He punches the driver across the face before holding his doodle from earlier in front of his face. "Have you seen this man?" Deadpool asked in a serious tone.
The goon in the passenger seat punches him in the face, prompting a groan out of the mercenary. The goon then began bashing Deadpool's head against the radio, causing the radio stations to change with each hit. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow." This results in the background music changing to the songs 'Footloose', 'Eastbound and Down', and 'I'm Alright' before the background music returns in full swing.
Outside, a motorcycle speeds towards the SUV.
Back inside, the goon in the passenger smashes Deadpool's head into the radio one more time before punching him in the face. "Ow. Ow!" The goon grabs his handgun and attempts to shoot Deadpool. "Yanky, yanky!" However, the Merc with a Mouth manages to collect his bearings in time to grab the gun and aim it at the driver's leg. Deadpool pulls the trigger, causing him to shoot the driver, resulting in the driver screaming out in agony.
The cyclist grabs his submachine gun and shoots a spray of bullets at the SUV. Deadpool gets in the backseat before the onslaught of bullets nail him, resulting in the goon in the passenger seat getting the full impact, killing him instantly. Deadpool kicks the dead man's body out the passenger door, knocking the rider off his bike. The dead man's leg gets caught on the seatbelt, resulting in his body being dragged alongside the car at an alarming rate.
Deadpool looks out the hatchback and gasps upon seeing the goon from the bumper climbing back into the vehicle. Acting fast, Deadpool hits the driver on his wound, causing him to scream out in agony once more, and hits the gas pedal with his hand. He presses down on the car's cigarette lighter as the vehicle begins to accelerate, inching closer to the SUV in front of them. The driver elbows Deadpool in the chest as the man climbs over the backseat and aims his gun at him. However, right at the moment, the car slams into the SUV in front of them, jostling the man forward. Deadpool presses the driver's face up against the window with his foot while he puts the goon from the bumper in a chokehold. He ejects the cigarette lighter from its holster once it's done warming up and burns the man's forehead, causing him to scream out in pain. He then proceeds to shove the lighter into his mouth, resulting in muffled screams coming from the man.
"I've never said this, but don't swallow. Phrasing, boom!" Deadpool said, cautioning the man in regards to the lighter currently setting his mouth ablaze.
Another vehicle pulls up beside them with gunmen inside. As they aim, Deadpool cranks the wheel with his foot, flipping the SUV. The SUV tumbles rapidly towards motorcycle as it jostles everyone around on the inside like a giant pinball machine. As the SUV flips over the motorcycle, Deadpool reaches over to give the motorcyclist a wedgie.
The view slows to match the moment of the SUV in midair. He hangs out the upside sunroof and turns towards the audience. "Shit. Did I leave the stove on?"
Soon, everything speeds up again. At normal speed, the chain wipes forward, beheading the rider. The bodies of the driver and the goons from the backseat are flung from the vehicle onto the roadway while the body of the goon in the passenger seat is thrown from the SUV and splats against a freeway sign. The rolling SUV skids to a halt, sideways on the bridge. Other cars break hard before it, including the other SUVs from the caravan. Smoke emanates from the sideways SUV, showcasing the extensive wrought by Deadpool's chaos.
We shift our attention towards a country mansion on the outskirts of the city. The sign of the front of the mansion reads, 'Sir Arthur Woodhouse's School for Gifted Youngsters'. Inside, a hulking metal man watches the news report while eating cereal.
"Now, breaking news," a reporter says on TV. "A multi-car collision turned shots fired on the crosstown expressway this morning. Gridlock has kept police from the scene. Residents are advised to remain in their homes. The assailant appears to be armed, dangerous, and wearing..."
"A red suit," the metal man says in unison with the news reporter. He slams his hand down on the table in frustration, indicating that he's familiar with the titular Merc with a Mouth. "Deadpool. Negasonic!" he calls out to someone offscreen. "Come, we have mission."
He walks out of the kitchen and makes his way towards the hangar.
"Colossus, wait up," a teen girl called out, joining up with him as the doors to the jet hangar open up and they begin to approach the X-Jet.
"I've given Deadpool every chance to join us, but he'd rather act like a child. A heavily-armed child." He clearly indicates his dislike and annoyance at Deadpool's actions putting countless lives in danger. "When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man?"
"Which benefits? The matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?" Negasonic asked, sarcastically.
"Please. House blowing up builds character," Colossus said, trying to put a positive spin on previous negative outcomes. "You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day." He proceeds to hand Negasonic an energy bar. "Here, a protein bar. It's good for your bones. Deadpool may try to break yours."
"Always the big brother, aren't you, Cyril?"
"I try, Cheryl. I really try." The duo proceeds to enter the X-Jet, which has been revving up its engines since they first entered through the hangar doors.
From the hangar, the X-Jet rises vertically before flying off over the mansion and towards the city, with Colossus determined to put an end to Deadpool's antics once and for all.