Chapter 4
Arizona woke screaming, covered in sweat as the pain shot down her leg. The leg that wasn't there. She sat on the edge of the bed trying to steady her breathing, trying to imagine the pain as waves. It didn't work as she often found at night; she needed a mirror. She turned the side light on illuminating the room. Standing on one leg balancing off the side table she lifted the one off the wall placing it between her legs as she perched on the bed before lowering herself to the floor. Concentrating on having 2 legs not the open fractured femur she'd been forced to look at for 4 days. Having 2 healthy legs helped, she felt the excruciating pain ease to a dull ache. As the pain eased, she finally fell back to sleep on the floor propped up against the bed.
Nanna opened the door to her guest's room at 5am having gotten up early to relieve Maria snoozing in the chair, she had just left for a few minutes to greet the breakfast shift when she heard the commotion. The bed was empty, after a momentary panic she saw the blonde hair on the floor, a mirror positioned between her legs. Phantom limb pain Nanna guessed. She left the room leaving the young woman to sleep longer. She was out of danger now, if the drugs were going to kill her, they'd have done so already. Hoping she was making the right decision in leaving the stranger alone, Nanna left the room leaving the door open, as much as she wanted to stay with the woman, she had a breakfast service to set up for.
The first customer was Jacob, a regular who came for his coffee and bacon sandwich on his commute to the city.
"Hey Jacob, you know how to do the google?" Nanna asked, Jacob smiled but nodded.
"Can you ask google if it can find anything on a Doctor Arizona Robbins, from Seattle?" She asked, he whipped out his iPhone.
"Okay, Peds surgeon at Seattle Grey Sloan, was in a plane crash a year ago, lost her leg, married to Calliope Torres, also a doctor, orthopedics, she is hot" Jacob showed her a photo of Arizona and a dark-haired Latina woman she guessed was Calliope.
"Can the google give you a number?" Nanna asked, Jacob typed some more,
"I have an office number" he offered copying it onto a napkin.
"Thank you, Jacob, you're a good boy. I'll leave you to your sandwich, give your mother my love" Nanna asked patting him on the shoulder pocketing the number. She went to call but was firstly distracted by Maria arriving, then their chef Dave, then interrupted by the normal breakfast crowd arriving. By 0900 the rush had ended, and Maria could cope waitressing alone until the lunch crowd began. Nanna left to check on their guest, like she had every 30minutes.
This time Arizona was awake rubbing her eyes still on the floor.
"Sorry I must have fallen out of bed" Arizona lied despite being on the bathroom floor, moving the mirror. Nanna sighed walking over sitting on the bed.
"If you want to lie it's okay, but you are lying to yourself." Nanna said, "I came by earlier and you were there on the floor. But you seemed settled, so I let you sleep. Have you been talking to anyone?" Nanna asked concerned,
"I spoke to my boss he helped me with this biofeedback thing, it helps when I'm awake".
"Is your boss a counsellor?" Nanna asked, Arizona blushed.
"No, a trauma surgeon but he understands" Arizona said knowing that it didn't really hold weight.
"And is it working? Waking up every night screaming, it must be exhausting, you need to see someone who specializes in that," Nanna sympathized, "what does your wife say?" she asked curiously, knowing from the google that she was an Orthopedic surgeon, Arizona dropped her hands into her lap. "She doesn't know" Nanna guessed.
"Callie sleeps really deeply and for ages we didn't sleep together, when we did sleep together, and I woke up I'd get myself to the bathroom floor, so I didn't wake her".
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why didn't you wake her?" Nanna asked, Arizona thought, Nanna allowing her the silence,
"I was angry after the crash, angry that I was in that position, that it took so long to find us. That I didn't get to say goodbye to either of my brothers as they died. I made my wife promise to save my leg, I know I shouldn't have, but she is a genius when it came to bones. And there were 2 other Doctors hurt in the plane crash. Mark our daughter's father and Derek, the best neurosurgeon in the country, and I was angry because she spent more time trying to fix Derek than she did Mark or me. And then they amputated, and she promised she wouldn't let them, but she did. And it was so easy to be angry with her because she was there, she just took it, she didn't even fight, she took a scalpel and cut off my leg."
"Easy target" Nanna suggested, Arizona sighed, it was true, and it made her feel worse,
"And I wanted to punish her, I see that now I wanted her to feel the pain I felt, so I slept with Lauren. I had an affair to punish my wife" Arizona wiped her eyes; the tears were running down her face.
"And we started working on it, our relationship, and it was going good. We decided to have a baby, I was going to carry it, and we got pregnant the first try. It was like it was meant to be. Then Callie's work got busy, she was treating a VIP patient who kept having complications, and she missed the ultrasound." Arizona sobbed remembering the pain she had felt as the ultrasound technician had desperately searched for a heartbeat,
"I miscarried, and my wife was so busy with her VIP, right I mean he had clots and heart problems and she had to amputate both legs, so Callie pulled away from me again, and it felt….." Arizona paused trying to verbalize how she felt, going through the miscarriage but just couldn't find the words to describe lying on the cold trolley, legs in the air as they scrapped the remains of her dead baby out, knowing her wife was too busy to be there. And while the medical part of her understood, all Arizona wanted was her wife there, holding her hand.
"And she wanted another one, said we'd try again, but all I could think was how I failed, how I couldn't even carry my baby, how I couldn't do anything right. She was suggesting getting pregnant again, but I was still bleeding and hurting, and I needed a break, I needed not to lose anything else" Arizona sobbed, Nanna leant forwards hugging her tightly,
"No mother should ever lose their baby" she soothed, rocking slightly as Arizona finally let herself grieve for her unborn baby. After an hour of crying, she finally stopped feeling dehydrated, and exhausted,
"I'm sorry" she apologized realizing she had got Nanna soaked with tears,
"Don't apologize you obviously needed it," Nanna advised, going to the bathroom soaking a hand towel and helping Arizona wipe her face, "Have you spoken to anyone about this before?" she asked, knowing the answer, Arizona shook her head no,
"It was my fault, it was all my fault, I should have rested more, I should have been less stressed," Arizona sobbed, she knew it was her fault, everything was her fault. Callie had left because she wasn't good enough.
"No, it wasn't your fault, sometimes these things happen, and they happen to good people who have done everything right" Nanna soothed bringing Arizona closer, Arizona resting her head on Nanna's knees, she had been there, her second baby hadn't made it so she could sympathize with the pain. "Is this the first time you've spoken to anyone about this?" she asked curiously, Arizona nodded,
"We went to marriage counselling, we spent a month living together, but not talking or sharing space, it was meant to make us realize how much we missed each other, and for me it worked. I missed her so much, I need her to be happy, Callie and Sofia, they make me happy, but for her it was freedom, without me her life was better. The day before she broke it off we slept together, for me it was like coming home, for her it was goodbye, a pity fuck" Arizona confided, it felt good to get it off her chest, all her friends were Callie's friends so she hadn't had anyone to talk to about it. Her parents, especially as her dad was still mad at her for cheating on Callie, and nobody else wanted to take sides, or had chosen Callie. Not that Arizona could blame them, she'd take Callie's side too.
"I'm glad you can talk about it now" Nanna said, "that's a lot of pain to carry around" she said, Arizona nodded, burying her head into the pillow resting on Nanna's lap, feeling her hands gently stroking her hair. When was the last time she had been comforted like this, she had done it lots with Sofia, while reading a story. She had pushed everyone away, she had tried to cope with the pain alone, and it had consumed her.
"But I can tell you are strong, strong enough to go on, despite this pain, but you can do this alone, you can't carry this burden by yourself" Nanna cautioned, "Is there anyone I can call for you?" she asked, Arizona laughed, a hollow empty laugh, that was one of the problems, she had nobody left. Callie hated her, Nick and Timmy were dead, Mark was dead, Teddy was in Germany, her parents were already disappointed in her.
"No" she said simply, the people she was next closest too were all Callie's friends first, Meredith and Cristina she had spent 4 days in the woods with, Bailey had trained with her, Teddy was in Germany. Would they come if she asked, would they support her? As if seeing the indecision on her face Nanna spoke,
"You don't know if you don't ask for help, can you be brave one more time and ask them to help?"
Arizona nodded, it didn't sound so hard when Nanna put it like that, maybe she could do it.
"Not yet, I'm not ready yet, maybe tomorrow" she begged,
"Can I call let someone know you are okay?" Nanna asked,
"Probably Bailey, she'd listen" she said thoughtfully, Nanna was right, she had to let someone know she was alive, Callie would have probably found the notes and although still not convinced that she deserved to live, it was only fair they stopped looking for her body. Miranda also wouldn't tell anyone anything they didn't need to know, she wouldn't gossip, whereas Meredith and Cristina would.
"For now, you need to eat something, you look like a stiff breeze would blow you down, then how would you like to help me in the kitchen? Today is brownie day, I need to make a few trays, lord knows when that football team finishes practice, they'll be here" Nanna moaned jokingly, Arizona nodded eager to repay the kindness in any way possible.
"I'm not much of a cook, but if you tell me what to do then I'll do my best" she confessed, cooking had been Callie's thing, even after the cooking lessons with Mark when she had tried desperately tried to make sure she could make nutritional meals for Sofia, Callie had thrown their food into the on and brought pizza. At the time she had been happy, Callie had chosen her over Mark, but now as a consequence she still couldn't cook, not without a precise recipe and no distractions, although it was something she was again working on, or at least had been, she'd been to 2 cooking lessons since they'd split up. Sofia would grow up eating more than take out even if it killed her.
Nanna smiled patting her arm, sensing the young woman was lost in thought, and slightly wobbly on her feet.
"Don't worry, I'll make a cook out of you" she threatened, Arizona laughed nervously, unsure if that was a threat or not. Why did Nanna seem so gleeful.
Arizona is safe and starting to process, Nanna should be a counselor, in my head she is similar to Connie from Young Sheldon, never shocked by anything, but always willing to listen