"The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh," Deadpool speaks through voiceover. "This? Well, this was mine."
We find Archer being wheeled on a gurney down a dimly lit hallway by two mooks. He begins observing his surroundings when a familiar voice grabs his attention.
"Mr. Archer," the Recruiter said, looking down at the broken man. "Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. You finally hit 'fuck it'."
Archer looks towards the ceiling in sorrow. "Just promise you'll do right by me. So I can do right by someone else," he asks the Recruiter.
"Of course," the Recruiter says, nodding his head, slightly. He motions for the mooks to continue forward.
"And please, if you make a suit, could it be white… with a lightning bolt… though, I guess that would only work for lightning powers. Just keep it in mind, please?" he pleaded with the Recruiter.
He's then wheeled into a dim, damp, concrete room as the Recruiter watches through a glass window in the doors. As Archer looks at his surroundings, he sees a man pushing a guy using an Animal Control pole, choking the individual.
"Move it!" the man says. "Keep moving."
Patients in various side rooms around the vicinity scream out in pain and torment. In a side room, Archer sees a doctor standing before a patient with spikes growing from his back. He turns his head to see a passing patient wearing a terrified expression alongside a bandage wrapped around his bloody forehead. The two mooks wheel Archer into an empty room.
"This place seems sanitary," he comments, sarcastically. The two mooks grab from the back and feet and lift him... "My first request is warmer hands." Before setting him down on a medical table. "Oh! And, Jesus, a warmer table." The two mooks get on either side of the table and strap him in. "We should really come up with a safe word, fellas. I'm thinking 'Duchess'." The two mooks leave Archer as he watches them off.
A strong, dark-haired Japanese woman approaches him and pushes his head down, prompting a groan out of the guy. "Easy." She fastens a restraint over his neck as Archer looks her over. "Aren't you a little strong for a lady? I'm calling wang." He begins breathing heavily as she tightens the strap around his neck. Once she's done, he takes note of the matchstick protruding from the side of her mouth. "What's up with the matches? Oral fixation or just a big Stallone fan?" She clamps his mouth, annoyed at his constant badgering.
"Patience, Dingo," an African American male with a bald head said as he approaches Archer, prompting Dingo to remove her hand from Archer's mouth. "All in good time."
"Are you here for the turndown service, or what?" Archer asked him.
Keith arches a brow at Archer's response before turning towards Dingo. "We have another talker," he said.
"I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp," he commented.
"Shut the fuck up," Dingo said sternly, placing a gag in Archer's mouth.
Keith proceeds to shine a flashlight into Archer's eyes to make sure everything's up to par. "Mr. Archer, my name is Ajax. I manage this workshop." He takes the flashlight away as he reflects on the past. "Ah, my welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like, 'This may hurt a little'. 'This may cause you some discomfort'. But I've grown blunt. This workshop is not a government-led program. It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself into men of extraordinary abilities." Archer coughs as Ajax begins making the preparations for Archer's mutation. "But if you think super-human powers are acquired painlessly… Wrong." Archer groans as Ajax sticks a needle into his veins. "I'm injecting you with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA." He tapes it down to make sure the needle stays in place. "For it to work, we need to subject you to extreme stress." Ajax activates a device that sends a thick blue serum flowing down a tube into the needle in Archer's arm. "You've heard that whole 'make an omelet, break some eggs' bit, right? I'm about to hurt you, Archer." Ajax applies a yellow serum from an IV needle into the tube, mixing it with the thick blue serum. "I was a patient here once myself, you know. The treatment affects everyone differently. It made Dingo inhumanly strong. In my case, it enhanced my reflexes." The mixed formula begins flowing through Archer's bloodstream, causing him great discomfort. "Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain." He pauses for a moment when he realizes he's not giving a full explanation in regards to his mutation. "And, in fact, I no longer feel anything," he says without showcasing an emotion whatsoever. Archer begins mumbling something but is unable to get a word out as a result of the gag. Ajax nods towards Dingo, who proceeds the remove the gag.
Archer breathes a sigh of relief at finally being able to talk again. "Thanks! Thank you. Thank you." He turns towards Ajax. "You have something in your teeth. Right in the middle there. Just, I don't…" Ajax scoffs at this remark before feeling around in his teeth, wondering if Archer is telling the truth. "A little nugget of romaine lettuce or something." Ajax turns around and checks his teeth in a nearby mirror. "It's been bothering me for a long time." However, as Ajax observes, he finds nothing. Archer laughs at having caught Ajax off guard. "Ah, made you look. Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up." Ajax turns back around to look at Archer, clearly annoyed by his constant chatter. "What is it really? David? Patrick? Christian? Coby? Jeffrey?" Does a flawless impression of Morgan Freeman in 'Shawshank Redemption.' "Is it Ellis Boyd Redding?"
"It's Conway Stern." Ajax replies, bluntly.
"Wow," Archer responded, feigning splendor. "But seriously, what is it?"
"Oh, joke away," Ajax said, still retaining his composure. "One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor."
"We'll see about that."
"I suppose we will," Ajax says, accepting Archer's challenge. He then looks towards Dingo. "He's all yours." He bows before making his departure.
"Oh, come on. You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?"
Dingo punches him in the face, causing blood from his mouth to splatter all over his face as the view blurs.
The view comes back into focus as we're given a montage of the various tactics Ajax implements to trigger a mutation in Archer's system. Ajax begins speaking through voiceover while 'Mr. Sandman' by the Chordettes plays in the background.
"This is how it's going to work. Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum..." Archer is shown being beaten while naked and with his hands chained to the ceiling as Ajax observes from a distance. "...so we're going to have to make you suffer." It then transitions to him lying naked in a cage while being blasted with freezing cold water from a power hose. "If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate..." We're then shown Dingo completely dunking him into a vat of oil. "...and manifest in a spectacular fashion." She pulls him out, causing him to inhale deeply, desperately gasping for air. "If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you…" Next, we're shown that Ajax has locked him in a chest filled with frigid cold ice water. "...in new and different ways..." Upon opening the chest to observe him, we see he's shivering and convulsion, but still very much alive. Seeing this, Ajax signals for a goon to lock the chest back up to keep Archer inside. "...each more painful than the last..." We're then shown Archer restrained with a bag over his head, sparks flying in the background as he jolts from the extreme voltage currently coursing through his system. "...until you finally mutate. Or die." Dingo walks over and lifts the bag off his head, revealing that he's still alive as drool drips from his lips.
Later on, we see Archer lying strapped to a table behind a plastic curtain and another man who's also strapped down, with whom he's currently conversing with.
"You mean a bucket list?" the man asked, indicating Archer having brought up the topic of conversation.
"Like a fuck-it list," Archer clarified. "I'd really like to light a spliff off the Olympic torch."
"Pass it to me right after," the man commented.
"Caught in an avalanche and riding it all the way down the mountain."
"Seriously?"
"I have sort of a weird fuck-it list. Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping with the WNBA's New York Liberty."
"Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity," the man commented.
"Finally, giving Veronica Deane a Dutch oven," Duncan said.
"No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Veronica Deane," the man stated. Archer laughs and smiles at this statement, his face and eyes glistening. "Making banana pancakes for my kids," the man says, solemnly. The mood suddenly darkens, and Archer closes his eyes, remembering a certain individual he was forced to leave.
"Lana," he silently whispered to himself, as he tries picturing what Lana is currently doing at the moment.
In bright hazy light, Lana sits at home, coddling Archer's 'Voltron: Defender of the Universe' ring. "I wanna see Lana," Archer whispers through voiceover.
Back in the present, Ajax strolls over towards the other man, regaining Archer's attention. "You're lovely," Ajax says. "I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched."
"We're we just joking," the man said, clearly afraid of the man standing in front of him.
"No, no. It's okay," he says, and he grabs onto the man's toes and squeezes them, making him feel uncomfortable. "I encourage distractions. Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we?" Dingo appears in the background, watching the scene unfold.
"Hey, don't take any shit from him, Brett," Archer called out, trying to calm Brett's fears. "How tough can he be…" Ajax doesn't pay attention to Archer's comments due to his belief that they hold little to no impact. "...with a name like Keith?" However, this last statement gains Ajax's attention and he scowls at this remark.
"Keith?" Brett asked, amazed. Dingo appears surprised at Archer having gained knowledge in regards towards Ajax's real name.
"That's his legal name," Archer says, chuckling joyously. "He got 'Ajax' from the dish soap. And 'Conway Stern' from Gerry Conway and Roger Stern." Ajax moves towards Archer as he begins spelling out his name. "K, E, I, T…" Ajax turns on the light in the room Archer's situated in as Archer continues mocking him. "Oops! Snagged the dry-cleaning tag off your lab coat." He opens up the palm of his hand, revealing his full name to be 'Bell, Keith'. Ajax immediately rips it out of Archer's hand. "I also grabbed Reiko's. Which honestly, I feel is a much cooler name. I'm just saying." Dingo immediately storms into the room and discovers Archer grabbed her dry-cleaning tag as well, which reveals her full name to be, 'Fukuhara, Reiko'. She grabs it, eyeing Archer angrily. "FYI, I could probably get you two the superhero discount."
"You're so relentlessly annoying," Ajax said, malice clearly present in his voice.
"Thanks. Never heard that before," Archer said, sarcastically.
"Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up?" Ajax asked. "Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut."
"Oh… I wouldn't do that if I were you," Archer said, seeing this as worst thing Ajax could ever do to him. "See, the problem with round-the-clock torture is that you can't really step it up from there." Ajax, aggrieved at Archer's statement, smiles grimly
"Is that what you think?" he asked.
In a clear cylindrical chamber, multiple straps are tightened to restrain Archer. Ajax sits nearby, eating a salad, clearly enjoying this.
"If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well… nothing will." A strap is made extra tight around Archer's neck to keep the troublemaker in place. "Now, what we're going to do is lower the oxygen concentration in the air to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating," Ajax explained. "If you're brainwaves slow, meaning you're about to pass out… then we'll turn up the O2. If your heat rate slows, meaning you're able to catch your breath…" Dingo places some patches all over Archer's body in order to monitor his vitals before walking away. "...we'll turn it back down." He takes a bite of lettuce before continuing. "And that's where we'll leave you. Right there."
"Oh, and I thought you guys were dicks before," Archer said.
"You know the funniest part of this?" Ajax pauses for a moment to let the statement integrate with the comedian's system. "You still think we're making you a superhero." Archer, nonplussed, looks towards Ajax. "You. A dishonorable discharge. Hip-deep in hookers." Ajax stifles a laugh before turning serious. "You're nothing." He leans forward and lowers his voice, so the other test subjects don't hear. "Little secret, Archer. This workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super-slaves. We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who knows what they'll have you doing? Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters." He looks off with a pondering smirk. "Maybe just mow the occasional lawn." He takes another bite of lettuce as he smiles.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Archer asked, incredulous.
Ajax puts down his fork and rises, walking over towards the chamber. "You're never going home after this." Archer's face turns to anguish as Ajax looks down at him. "Now there's a brave face." Ajax's about to close the chamber when Archer stops him
"Wait, wait! Wait. Wait." Ajax, although annoyed at having been delayed, decides to him the guy out. Archer stutters momentarily before speaking. "Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now."
Ajax stares him down, clearly not amused by Archer's retort. "Enjoy your weekend."
'Weekend?' Back up. Weekend?!"
Ajax closes the chamber and hits a control. The O2 gage falls rapidly. Soon, Archer begins gasping for air as the oxygen levels deplete at an alarming rate. Ajax meets Archer's teary, pained gaze with a cold stare before leaving him alone.
Later that evening, we see Archer is still suffering within the device as an EKG beeps in the background. As he continues gasping for air, the EKG begin rapidly picking up speed. He spasms, and all over Archer's body, veins bulge and sweat immediately soaks through his medical gown. Scars spread rapidly over the skin on his body, leaving it shiny and full of depressions as if badly burned. Soon, the scars spread to his face, causing all of his hair too evaporate. Deadpool then begins to speak through voiceover. "Did I say this was a love story? No, it's a horror movie." Archer sees his reflection in the cylindrical glass, causing him to scream out in anguish.
Then... the screen turns black.
Sometime later, Ajax and Dingo return to find Archer pale and severely scarred. Ajax deactivates the device, causing Archer to desperately gasp for air, finally able to catch his breath.
"Holy shit," Ajax says in disgust. "Looks like someone lost his shot at Homecoming King."
"What have you done to me?!" Archer yelled out in fury.
"I've merely raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation," Ajax replies calmly.
"You sadistic fuck!"
"I've cured you, Archer. Now your mutated cells can heal anything. It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form." Ajax then takes note of Archer's grotesque appearance. "Yeah, I've seen similar side-effects before. I could cure them…" He eyes Archer's mutated face coolly. "...but where's the fun in that?" Archer quivers his lip in regards to Ajax's statement. "Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Archer. Not because I need to." Ajax leans close down to his terrified patient. "Because I want to." Ajax smiles as Duncan breathes heavily, his defeated eyes drifting from Ajax's face to the ceiling. "Oh, well." He turns around and gestures for Dingo to approach the device. "Go ahead." Dingo, match in her mouth, begins to undo Archer's neck strap.
"Oh, you smell like shit." She unlocks the strap, allowing Archer to headbutt her, sending her backwards while clutching her nose. Ajax chuckles at this while Dingo looks greatly irate. "Motherfucker," she says under her breathe. She approaches him with the intent of bashing his forehead into paste when Ajax stops her.
"Hey, hey, hey. It's all right, it's all right." Ajax pushes her back. "I think we owe him that one, yeah?" Dingo looks at Archer, scornful. "You take off. Go on. Off you go." Dingo, deciding that Ajax is right, leaves the area.
On her way out, Dingo removes a receptacle from inside her shirt. From it, she takes a match, which she sticks in her mouth. She pauses, momentarily wondering what happened to her previous match, before shrugging it off and exiting the building.
Inside the room, Ajax leans over the chamber. "Quick question. What's my name?" Archer eyes Ajax with a blank stare. Ajax raises his eyebrows expectantly, but doesn't receive an answer. "Didn't think so." He closes the chamber.
"Sorry, Keith. My lips are sealed," Deadpool says through voiceover.
Ajax reactivates the machine before exiting the room and turning out the lights.
Sometime later, we find Archer still in the chamber. He begins retching before producing one of Reiko's matches from his mouth, divulging that he was the individual responsible for swiping Reiko's match from earlier. With great effort, he lifts his head slightly, spitting the match into his open hand and clinching it tightly. Using his thumbnail, he strikes the tip of the match until a flame ignites. He tosses the lit match in front of the oxygen sensor. A flame flares, sending a burst of fire through the machines tubbing which leads to the oxygen tanks. The tanks explode, propelling a burst of fire through the facility. The blast tears the workshop apart, sending a hail of debris and fire through the rooms.
Ajax comes downstairs and grabs a fire extinguisher as men scream in the distance. Ajax walks through, calmly putting out fires as men all around him are shown running, coughing, or barking out orders. Ajax looks around at the chaos until his eyes fall on the chamber, now with a hole broken in the side. Realizing what this means, he looks forward as Archer emerges from the smoke, smashing a small silver tank into Ajax's head. He falls to the ground but defends himself with the extinguisher. He swings it at Archer, who dodges before punching Ajax in the face, sending him back down. Archer attempts to hit with the canister once more, but Ajax swipes Archer right off his legs with his extinguisher, causing Archer to hit the floor on his side. Ajax gets back up and tries to slam the extinguisher down onto Archer, but Archer manages to roll out of the way before getting on his knees and smacking Ajax across the face. They both get to their feet and Archer gears up for another swing, only for Ajax to hit Archer hard in the side, causing him to go down onto a pile of flames. As Ajax comes in for another shot, Archer spins around and hits him hard with the tank, sending him sliding across the floor. As Ajax gets back to his feet, Archer rips off his burning gown, revealing his badly scarred, but still muscular torso. He throws his tank at Ajax then rams him into a column. They trade punches before Ajax pushes his face into the support.
"You don't want to kill me," he whispered into Archer's ear. "I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug."
Ajax throws him to the ground then picks him up from behind, dumping the naked Archer over his head. Getting to his feet, Archer throws a weary punch, which Ajax blocks easily before punching Archer in the chest and neck. He tosses Archer again and he hits the ground hard. Bloody saliva drips from his mouth as Archer drags himself across the burning floor.
His own face bloody and battered, Ajax strides over to Archer with a piece of rebar. He grunts loudly as he rises it above his head before he drives the rebar through Archer's torso and the floorboards, causing Archer to cough up blood. Ajax punches Archer, whose body hangs limp, impaled on the steel bar. Ajax then uses his strength to bend the top end of the rebar into a hook shape as Archer breathes heavily. He kneels down to Duncan to get a better look at his defeated features.
"What's my name?" he asked.
Blood drips from Archer's mouth as Ajax stands to leave, leaving Archer to his demise.
"Archer," a voice says, weakly. Archer looks up and spots Brett, frowning deeply, strapped to a tipped over table. He closes his eyes, resigning himself to his fate. Flaming debris falls around Archer as he remains on his hands and knees, impaled to the floor.
In the dull light of morning, dim embers glow within burned wood, the workshop reduced to cinders. The view drifts over the area, blanketed with dirt, ash, and debris. Something stirs below the surface, disturbing the still ground.
Archer's head emerges from the dirt and ash, which falls into his vacated depression in the ground. Slowly, he sits up among a pile of broken, burnt wood. He places a hand to his chest where he was impaled by the rebar, which is now gone.
"I didn't just get the cure to el cáncer…" Deadpool says through voiceover. "I got the cure to el everything." Naked and filthy, Archer stands up among the rubble. "But there was only one thing… that really mattered." Archer looks towards the city, knowing full well what he has to do.