Now, in the back of an alley, the truck comes to a stop outside a red brick home as Ray Charles's 'Hit the Road Jack' plays in the background.
"We're here," Deadpool yells from the back. He lifts himself to his feet, groaning in the process, as the garbage in the passenger seat watches on. "Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage." The garbage man waves a hand, showing Deadpool that it's no concern of his what ends up in the back of that truck as long as he's getting paid. Deadpool hauls himself out and hops to the ground, grunting as he lands. "Seltzer water and lemon for blood," he tells the garbage men as they drive off.
He approaches the household, speaking to the audience in a surprisingly calm voice. "Some kinds of anger can't be managed..." He grabs a nearby rag and wraps it around his bloody hand stump. "Like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered!" His tone now shifts from calm to furious before going back to calm. "That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home. Ah, and I share that home with someone you've met, the blind lady from the laundromat, Malory."
We flashback to the laundromat where we see Malory placing several clothing items into one of the machines. "God, I miss cocaine," she silently says to herself as she folds up a sweater.
The camera pans over to pass Archer, who's still tending to his bloody hoodie. "Her," he says, pointing from behind. He then gasps as he looks towards the camera. "Fourth-wall break inside a fourth-wall break. That's like…" He pauses for a moment, trying to do the math in his head. "16 walls."
Back in the present, Deadpool continues to explain his current situation as he walks towards a set of stairs. "She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old, and blind. And I think she's in love with me."
In the apartment, we see Malory building a dresser while a roving, robotic vacuum operates in the background. "Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too." Deadpool said through voiceover.
Deadpool knocks on the door, prompting Malory to stop assembling the dresser and turn towards the door. She grabs her long cane and moves towards the door as Deadpool knocks again, louder than before. As she moves towards the door, she trips over her robotic vacuum, causing her to fall to the ground.
"Malory?" Archer yelled from outside. He then proceeded to barge in, his mask having been removed from his face. "Morning, sleepyhead," he said to her as she got back to her feet. He does a sexual motion when she has her ass extended towards him before making his way into the apartment. "It smells like old lady pants in here."
"You got that right," she said, standing upright. "I'm old, and I wear pants."
"But you're no lady," Archer said as he slipped into some rubber crocs, giving him mild relief. "Oh! So comfy." He continues to walk through the apartment, Archer not far behind him.
"Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in crocs," she said.
"You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes?" he asked.
"Yes, I know. Downside of being blind..." she continued, "I hear everything in this duplex."
Archer drops to the ground and groans. "Sit on a stick."
"Bactin?" she asked.
"Yeah. Bactin should do it," he said, removing the rag to uncover his stump. "How's that Kullen coming along?" he asked. "IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know."
"You're telling me," she said, nodding in agreement. "I don't mind the Kullen. It's an improvement on the Hurdal."
"Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal," he said in disgust. "I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over a Hurdal." He sighs, dreamily. "Oh, no, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen."
"Screw please," she asked, her hand outstretched to his person.
"Here? Now?" he asked, implying something a little raunchier than what she had in mind. "Just kidding. I know it's been years."
"You'd be surprised."
Archer looks disturbed upon hearing this. "Pretty grossed out."
Malory pushes in a draw, implying that she's finished assembling the Kullen. "Ta… da." She sits down in a nearby chair, believing her work to be down... only for the Kullen to collapse the moment she sits her butt down in the seat. "I wish I never heard of Craigslist," she said, clearly displeased.
"And I quote: 'Looking for roommate, blind to life's imperfections. Must be good with hands'." He says to the audience before looking up at Malory in contempt and anguish. "Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent?"
"Why such a douche this morning?" she asked.
Archer stands on his knees in order to reach her eye level. "Let's recap." The cock thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today…" he explains before looking at his stump, recalling what happened earlier that day. "Arm," he corrects himself. He stands up and walks over towards a table, grabbing a few essential items, including a book, lotion, and a stuff unicorn. "Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back, and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. So yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo." He approaches the door to his room, letting one rip as he passes by Malory. "#drive by." He enters the room, preparing himself for whatever plans he may have that involve the items he has on hand.
In an alley behind warehouses, Ajax hops off a smoking motorcycle, letting it crash before approaching the entrance to one of the warehouses.
Inside the warehouse, Dingo uses a tool to inject a man wearing an electronic collar, knocking him out. Two men close him inside a metal case with several other individuals wearing the same electronic collars lined up nearby like lambs to the slaughter. Ajax enters, gaining Angel's attention
"Found out who our friend in the red suit is," he said, walking off to one of the rooms.
Now, we're shown Dingo stitching his wound, which he gives no reaction to thanks to his scorched nerve endings. "Fucking Sterling Archer," he said, clearly irked at not having figured out his identity sooner. "I suppose I'd wear a mask too if I had a face like that. I only wish I healed the same." He motions towards his wound, which Reiko finishes stitching up. He stands, peeling off his torn tank top. "Still, we'll put him out of our misery. On our terms."
"Right. And when he heals?" Dingo asked, dubious as to Conway's intentions.
"He can't. Not if there's nothing left of him to heal." He dons a new shirt; a pitch-black turtleneck, to be precise. "You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker," he comments, smirking as he turns towards Dingo. "I like a challenge. But he's bad for business." He removes the match from Reiko's mouth, which he drops on the ground and steps on. "Now let's go find him." He walks out of the room, intent on finding his target in order to eliminate him once and for all.
At home, Archer sits on the coach, grimacing as the Bactin slowly takes effect. Malory's behind the counter, holding a mug and a capsule of pills.
"Tylenol PM?" she asked.
"You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin," he said as Malory approaches him. She attempts to set the Tylenol on the table, missing it by inches, resulting the pills falling to the ground. "I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet, and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now." Malory sits next to him. Sighing, he begins caressing Malory's cheek with his new, tiny hand. "But I appreciate the gesture."
"Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?" she asked, noting the strange feel of Archer's hand.
"About the size of a KFC spork," Archer answered.
"Ugh," she groaned in disgust, trying to change topics. "I get why you're so pissy... but your mood's never gonna brighten till you find this woman and tell her how you feel."
"What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me," he said with contempt at having to repeat himself over again. "If you could see me, you'd understand."
"Looks aren't everything."
"Looks are everything," he retorts. "You ever heard Chris Parnell speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think H. Jon Benjamin got this far on his superior acting method?"
"Love is blind, Sterling."
"No. You're blind," he told her, brutally honest.
Malory, annoyed, looks at Archer. "So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper?"
"No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty and then I'm gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan," he answered, placing his legs on the table to get into a more comfortable position. "In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand." Malory, disliking where Archer's going with this, begins to stand. "Go, go, go, go, go, go, go."