Chapter 8
"You better remember the road back. No one is going to pick you up." The servant huffed and turned back. Easier said than done, they were walking for thirty minutes through all kinds of streets and alleys.
Yuuki bowed in gratitude. "Thank y-" When he straightened his back there was only small figure receding into the distance. He touched his nose in embarrassment. To tell the truth this sort of attitude was already pretty good.
They became servants because they couldn't become Kamuro. Yagura was nice and gentle and very generous with his tips- everyone liked him. In enclosed walls of Okiya becoming his Kamuro was a dream come true. Yuuki not only became his favourite, but also escaped the fate of imprisonment they all shared. You could pity a child only so much before the overwhelming favour he received would sprout the seeds of jealousy, of unfairness.
They weren't rude— far from it, but they weren't welcoming either.
It was easy to find Academy, as it was located directly at the foot of Hokage Mountain, right under Lord Second's nostril. Considering the fact that Tobirama Senju was the one who founded it— it was hella funny and one hundred percent intentional. He imagined that students during his reign literally felt him breathe down their necks. No wonder Konoha produced one of the strongest shinobi during he era.
With registration form in his hand, he started walking towards the building. He wondered what would happen if he purposefully botched the test.
Turned out the answer was pretty much what he expected. As long as he was healthy and had chakra— he was in.
Yuuki looked at the list of the items he needed to purchase for Academy as he walked down the road — pack of practice kunai, shuriken, wire – the list went off quite a bit. He could see imaginary numbers being added to his debt. Maybe he could search for training ground and find some there? And then get killed by friendly Jutsu or get nicked by rusty metal… For a moment he felt out of the touch with the world. Can you imagine the school asking six years old children to bring knives to class— and please, as sharp as possible. We are going to learn how to run with them, how to throw them and how to stab them at other toddlers and adults alike~
He really was going to learn how to be a killer, wasn't he? Yuuki took a deep breath and squatted under the shade of Hashirama tree. No. Soldier was more appropriate word. But— was there any difference between the two just because he attached a high sounding name to one of them?
Wasn't it a bit too late to disdain the killers? After all, he was the one himself already.
Everything happened so suddenly back then, just one moment the man was standing at the edge of the roof and the next — he was hideous pile of twisted bones and squashed meat. It was more like an accident than an act of murder. Self-defence? Yuuki had difficulty coming to terms with it because of that. He didn't feel like he killed someone— and goddammit, he didn't even feel guilty about it. And he knew as long as he was human he should.
This absence of guilt was messing him up.
The sun blinded him for a second when he stepped out of the building. Yuuki just finished entrance exam. The papers in his hands were signifying his successful enrolment. Honestly he thought they would at least wait for a couple of days to evaluate their exam papers. But after seeing his medical chart and average physical parameters they gave him a stump of approval the next second.
Two minutes later he was throwing up in the bushes behind the Academy. He wasn't ready for what's to come.
Konoha was in the middle of the war—Yuuki had to remind himself — they can't be picky with resources. The Village was so deceptively calm, sometimes he forgets what was going outside of its walls. In a way, Dan really brought both siblings to the safest place in all Fire Nation. Yuuki remembered the boy they picked up and disposed of at the Orphanage. He was curious whether the boy was still alive. Maybe his life was better than theirs…
The red eyes stared at blue. He blinked blearily at Yuuki, nose twitched cutely. It was harmless and innocent, adorable and fluffy, trusting and stupid.
It was a rabbit. It was his future meal.
It was second week of the Academy. It was retreat. They were in camping sight. It was supposed to be informative. It is. Yuuki wished it was less so.
They sat in a circle. Inside of it stood Imaru-sensei. He was their guiding light on path of becoming shinobi. He was their role model. To Yuuki he looked like unstable psycho with a penchant for violence. He was a good sensei.
On his right side were clan children and children from shinobi families. On his left side were orphans and children from civilian families.
Yuuki was on the border. Yuuki is always on the border.
He is not an orphan. His biological mother is alive, father unknown- possibly alive. Orphans live in the Orphanage. He does not live there. He is not an orphan.
He is not from civilian family. He does not have family. His family is dead. Those who raised him are dead. He does have family. He has Haruka and Yagura. Family lives together in a house. Yuuki knows it. Yuuki saw it. Two happy parents holding the hand of their happy child and walking towards their happy home. Yagura and Haruka live in a brothel. They live in separate cages. They all live in a brothel. Family does not live in a brothel. He does not have family. He is not from civilian family.
He is not a clan child. Clan children have parents who belong to a clan. He does not. He never met his parents. Maybe his father does. Maybe his father does not. Maybe his mother was not from his family. Maybe his uncle was not his uncle. Maybe that will explain why he does not look like uncle or Haruka. Clan children belong to a clan. He belongs to a brothel. Clan children grow up in a clan. He grew up in poverty. He grew up in a brothel. Clan children learn how to become someone great. He learns how to become a courtesan. A whore. He is not a clan child.
Yuuki has friends. He has Iroha from Okiya. Until Nichiro says otherwise. Until Iroha carves his too trusting heart out and stabs him in the back. Until Iroha says sorry without meaning it. Until he says sorry and does it again.
Yuuki has friends. He has friends from Academy. Until Hokage commands otherwise. Until their hands dug deep into his gut, until they slit his throat on a single command.
Yuuki looks at his left. The children are crying. They hold rabbits. They named their rabbits. The rabbits are their friends. They were going to slit the throats of their friends anyway.
Yuuki sees himself in red eyes of the rabbit that laid on his lap. Yuuki sees a future killer reflected in those eyes. But he forgot—Yuuki is already a killer. He did not name the rabbit. He was smart. He spent three days taking care of the rabbit. His sensei threw the words 'Don't get attached' to them, before he gave them the rabbits. He sensei was kind. His sensei warned them. His sensei was smart. Yuuki thinks he should have known it would happen. His sensei prepares them well for the future. His sensei should go to the mental hospital. His sensei should go die in a ditch. His sensei should pay for Yuuki's mental hospital bills. Yuuki hopes his sensei is rich. Yuuki knows the bill would be expensive.
Yuuki did not name the rabbit. He never called him by his name out loud. Yuuki secretly called him by the name in his head. In his thoughts. Never out loud. Names are meant to be said. Names are given by others. Names define your existence. Names hold power once they are said. He did not say the rabbit's name. The rabbit does not have a name. Yuuki did not name the rabbit.
Yuuki looks at his right. The children seem indifferent. They seem reluctant. They seem contradictory. They were going to slit the rabbit's throat anyway.
Yuuki has everything. He has family. He has friends. He has parents.
Yuuki has nothing. He does not have family. He does not have friends. He does not have parents.
Yuuki has two souls. Yuuki has two lives. Yuuki lived one life from before. Yuuki has half of his life now. Yuuki thinks this life is shattered. Yuuki thinks this life cannot be called a life. Yuuki thinks he should have died the first time. Yuuki did die the first time. It did not make sense to have one more. He was not a good person. He did not deserve to have one more life. But who does deserve to have one more life? Good people? Bad people? What is good? What is bad? Yuuki is confused. But he knows he should not be alive.
The rabbit wriggles in his arms. The white fur ticking his skin. Cute, Yuuki thinks. Yuuki did not lie. Yuuki did not name the rabbit. He gave him a very special name. In his head. In his thoughts. It was fine as long as it was not said out loud.
Yuuki gave the rabbit a very special name. He gave him a name from before.
Yuuki saw himself in this stupid trusting rabbit. He named rabbit after himself.
Ame. The rabbit's name was Ame.
Yuuki sees himself in a rabbit. Today he was going to slit rabbit's throat. Today he was going to kill the rabbit. Today he was going to kill Ame.
Today he was going to kill himself.
Yuuki looks at sensei. Everyone looks at sensei. Sensei shows how to kill the rabbit. Sensei shows how to slit the rabbit's throat painlessly. Sensei is kind. They are kind killers.
Ame died the first time painfully. Ame deserves to die the second time painlessly.Yuuki wonders how he will die for the third time. He wonders whether it would be the last. He hopes it would be.
The rabbit in sensei's hands is dead. It was quiet. The slice was fast. It was bloody. The rabbit was slowly dying. The rabbit was slowly bleeding out. For sixty seconds the rabbit was dying. Yuuki thinks it was one of the longest minutes of his life. Obito started crying. Rin flinched. Yuuki could not tear his gaze away from the slowly dwindling light in rabbit's eyes. Those black black eyes. The black that always suffocated him. The black the often saw in his dream. He thinks black might be Death. He thinks the death is like clingy ex-lover. He thinks death is sore loser. Someone looks scared. Someone looks bored. Someone is discussing the seasoning for the rabbit. Yuuki wished he stomach that iron. Someone threw up. Someone pissed himself. Yuuki thinks it is a lot of urine. No one is laughing. The future killers are nice and kind.
Sensei says the most painless way of killing is by breaking the neck of the rabbit. Sensei says they will be slitting the throats of the rabbits. Yuuki thinks sensei should sit on a rusty kunai. Sensei calls it learning experience. Yuuki thinks he is full of shit.
Someone says they could stun the rabbits. Sensei says no. Yuuki thinks about current prices of assassination missions. Yuuki thinks it is okay to take on a second debt. Yuuki thinks he would not be able to pay off the first one before he dies anyway.
Ame deserves the most painless death. Ame will get the third least painful death from the bottom of the list.
Ame could never choose the method of his death after all. Otherwise his first one would not be so scary and lonely. Most creatures could not choose how they will die. Except those who committed suicide. Yuuki feels the pulsing beat of blood beneath the furry form of the rabbit. Yuuki's eyes slowly travel to his own wrists. Yuuki could hear his own heartbeat in his ears, feel its pulse in his throat, feels it's the rush of the blood in his veins, feel the tingle on his very fingertips. No. Yuuki takes a deep breathe and looks at the rabbit again.
Yuuki looks at the rabbit's eyes. The rabbit is innocent. The rabbit is trusting. The rabbit did not try to hurt him. The rabbit did not try to kill him. The rabbit laid peacefully on his lap. The rabbit does not look like that man.
Yuuki looks at the rabbit eyes. He sees the killer.
Yuuki looks at Ame. He sees himself. For a moment he feels like he is looking in the mirror. The black creeps around the edges of his vision.
Yuuki looks at the rabbit. He sees a clueless victim, who would die without knowing what it has done wrong.
Today Yuuki is a victim. Today Yuuki is a perpetrator.
Yuuki looks at the left. The children are crying and trembling. They have never killed.
Yuuki looks at the right. They seem uncomfortable and resigned. They have killed.
Yuuki does not know how he looks like.
Yuuki has killed. It was an accident. It was an act of self-defence. Yuuki has never killed.
Sensei counts from one to three. Ame seems scared. Ame trashes around. Ame feels something is wrong. Ame looks a lot like Ame from before. Yuuki brings the blade close to the rabbit's jugular. The blade is sharp. The children are weak. They cannot do this. Not enough strength. The chakra is great. Chakra makes weak children strong.
Three. Yuuki does not hesitate. The half of the children do from each side. Yuuki uses too much strength. Yuuki feels Ame's death throes in his arms. He cuts off Ame's head. He was supposed to slice the arterial veins. There are a lot of blood. There are too much blood. Yuuki feels empty. Yuuki looks at the separated head. Yuuki does not know what to do with it. Yuuki has his hands full of dismembered body parts. Yuuki thinks the smell of blood was disgusting. Yuuki thinks the smell of death is even worse. It is neither a success nor a failure.
Ame is dead. Yuuki thinks he too—should be dead. Yuuki hopes Ame would not have one more life after this. Zero stars out of ten. He would not recommend. Yuuki thinks it is funny. He wants to laugh. Yuuki knows if he starts laughing, he will soon start crying. Yuuki did not feel like he deserved to cry. So he won't laugh.
On his right side Obito cries loudly, his hands tremble. His kill is clean. Obito is sad. On his left Rin cries silently. Rin is more composed. Rin is a medic. Rin knows, that sometimes death is a mercy.
Ame's death does not seem like a mercy. Ame's death seems like an apology. Yuuki does not know to whom this apology is.
Yuuki looks at the left. Children were a mess. Crying. Screaming. Alive rabbits. Dead rabbits. Mostly half dead rabbits. Yuuki thinks the words 'half dead rabbit' seem to describe his existence too. They are in pain. Both animals and the children.
Yuuki thinks their sensei is an idiot. There are fifty students today on this retreat. Yuuki thinks they should have not done it at the same time. Yuuki sees sensei guide the hand of the child to slice through the neck of the rabbit. Sensei is their guiding light on the path of shinobi. Sensei helps them find the light. Yuuki thinks sensei should first find his own light. The one that is shining out of his ass. Yuuki thins he is a good student. Yuuki thinks he can contribute his own kunai for sensei to sit on. Yuuki thinks that would make his sensei shine even brighter.
Yuuki looks at the left. At the oldest student in their class. She is nine. Civilian born girl has a half dead rabbit. The rabbit screeches. The cries of death are terrifying. The rabbit tries to run away from here. Sensei catches him. Sensei gives her kunai and the rabbit. The girl refuses. The rabbit has half of his neck severed. The rabbit is in a lot of pain. Reika is bad at this. Yuuki thinks he will not see Reika tomorrow in their class.
Yuuki looks at the right. Mostly dead rabbits. The children know what they are doing. Their movements are smooth. Trained. They did it before. Yuuki is jealous. Yuuki thinks if Yagura taught him that, he would not feel as shitty. Yuuki thinks that the next time he accidentally splashes someone with water sending the person over the edge of life— it will also proceed smoother. Yuuki has experience after all. Yuuki nodded his head in affirmation of this statement.
Yuuki looks at the right. At the youngest student in their class. He is five. He is younger than Yuuki. But how old was Yuuki? The rabbit is dead. The boy masterfully skinned the rabbit. The boy cut the rabbit to pieces. The boy buried the unnecessary parts far away from the camping ground. The boy brought mushrooms on his way back. The boy knows what he is doing. Yuuki thinks Kakashi is really good at this. Yuuki thinks Kakashi is an attention whore. Yuuki thinks he wants to ask Kakashi for the tips. Not the tips about being a whore. Yagura teaches him that. Tips about the skinning and cooking in the wild.
Thirty minutes later all rabbits are dead. Fifty students are divided into ten groups. Most Uchiha are in charge of making a fire. People are prejudiced like that. Obito tries to do the Uchiha signature 'I am big bad dragon' Jutsu to impress Rin. Obito fails. Obito coughs and wheezes. Rin is impressed by his lungs capacity. Still, Rin is impressed. Task failed successfully.
His team used Genma's senbons like sticks to roast the meat. Genma's favourite colour green. Genma's face is green. Yuuki thinks it is Genma's way of showing his approval.
Two hours later they eat cooked rabbit meat. It is undercooked. It is unseasoned. It is hard to chew. Every time he puts the piece of meat in his mouth —the bile raises in his throat, his stomach churns. Their group cooked a horrible meal. Their group cooked a good laxative. Rin the medic should not be in charge of cooking. Rin the medic should stick with medicine.
Yuuki ate the second Ame to the last piece. Yuuki wonders whether he ate the first Ame the same way. Yuuki wonders whether it is possible to eat the souls. Yuuki wonders what would his soul taste like. Yuuki thinks it would taste like dirt with fishy odour and mental instability. He grew up in fisherman village after all.
Thirty minutes later sensei teaches them how to properly put out the flames and prevent the forrest fires.
They might be killers for hire, but they are environmentally friendly killers for hire. Sensei's attention on Uchiha- the portable lighters- as he speak about it feels entirely justifiable.
Thirty minutes later Yuuki realises what he has done and subsequently throws up in the bushes. Yuuki thinks about how unnecessary the death of the rabbit was. They killed to eat. They killed to survive. Ame was killed by someone he trusted, skinned and eaten, marinated in historic juices for hours and then turned into vomit on the pastures where he lived.
Yuuki thinks the second death of Ame was even more cruel than the first one. He throws up again, nothing comes out.