7:47 AM
"Just what did you put in that tea? Why are we in each other's bodies?"
"My breakfast had nothing to do with this. And the tea was perfectly fine, thank you very much."
"You were heating it to a million degrees! And what do you mean, your breakfast had nothing to do with this? One minute, your dad shoved that charcoal down my throat – "
"It was TOAST!"
"And the next minute I wake up in your body!"
"That was because of Tofu-sensei's special stomach tonic!"
"...What?"
"It's a long story."
Things always ended up sideways when Akane tried her hand at making meals. She cooked cutting boards. She melted knives. She burned water and made fire wet. She made babies cry. She made kind ladies faint. No matter how edible a substance was, she would find a way to mutilate it beyond all recognition. Ranma didn't know how, but she made it into a martial art. The whole family had grown to dread the days she announced that she wanted to cook. Unfortunately, those days were increasing in number. Nabiki had taken to bribing Kasumi into making Akane stop. It wasn't working.
Now, Akane had done something even Ranma thought was impossible, and set off a chain of events leading to a body swap. Ranma would have loved to have spoken to Tofu-sensei about how he could have mixed up a remedy for upset stomachs with...
It was so embarrassing, the name of the weirdo potion he'd given to Kasumi.
Elixir that Causes You to Switch Bodies with Your Once-in-a-Lifetime Soulmate Whose Pinky Finger You are Bound to with the Red Thread of Fate.
It was a worse name than Spring of Drowned Yeti Holding an Eel and Crane While Riding an Ox.
Also, he would rather the name of the potion...
...not so blatantly announce that he and Akane were bound together with the red thread of fate.
This was worse than the sakuramochi episode. Ugh.
When they got married, he was pretty sure that he would spend every single morning chasing her away from the stove so that he could cook in peace without worrying about her almost killing people with the way she boiled water.
Speaking of Akane...
"Let's get one thing clear, Ranma," she snarled. "You will not tell anyone about this. You will wait until this tonic wears off – "
"When's that gonna be?" he snarled right back from his perch on the fence.
"At most a day. And you will not sit on the fence like that while in my body! You want everyone here to see up my skirt?"
Ranma colored Akane's face rosy red with a blush.
It was weird.
"Oh. Oh right."
"Behave like an actual lady while you're stuck in my body!"
Ranma's mind went to the...thing that had happened in the morning.
"I'm going to take a bath," Ranma announced. "Akane – I mean – I'm all sweaty and gross after that morning jog."
"I'm coming with you," Akane snapped. Only God knew how exactly he would behave while stuck in her body. She would not let Ranma out of her sight until this bizarre concoction wore off.
She didn't realize how that sounded until her dad promptly collapsed into a sobbing heap of joy.
"Finally...finally. We've waited so long...Saotome-kun..."
Genma-as-panda held up a sign. WE ALLOW IT, DEAR SON AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.
"This is the happiest day of my life, Saotome-kun!"
"Just so you two know, I recorded that dialogue," Nabiki called out.
Yeah...this would mean lots of weird things...
They'd have to bathe each other. It would be deeply awkward, but still less awkward than the alternative. No way would she let him bathe by himself...herself...whatever. Not under the present circumstances.
She would have to scrub his back...her back...whatever. And Ranma would have to...scrub her back too...and she would damn well make sure that Ranma would actually wear a top and bra when going outside. Akane already got lots of unwanted attention from the insane boys of Furinkan while fully-clothed and didn't need her fiance(e) to stroll around in boxers with nothing left to her imagination.
Or anyone's imagination, not hers specifically. Why would one think that?
"Owww, what are you doin', bruising me like that?"
"Just – hold – still – okay?"
"Why do you need to wear bras anyway? Those stupid things just cause lots of chafing! And your chest is so small – "
"Just be quiet and follow my – "
"Can I least wear an undershirt and be done with it? No one notices a thing when I wear an undershirt! And like I said, it's not like you of all people need a – "
"Dammit, Ranma, stop insulting my body while you're in it!"
Just like before, neither of them realized exactly how that sounded to onlookers.
Kasumi blinked, her hand on the doorknob. She didn't mean to eavesdrop, but Ranma and Akane weren't keeping their...rendezvous a secret in any fashion. Everyone could hear them. Upstairs, downstairs...she hoped the Yamanes didn't overhear and come to entirely the wrong conclusions like they did during that bust-measuring argument that Ranma and Akane had had...
She winced. That had been a weird thing to explain to the neighbors.
Father and Saotome oji-sama were in rapture downstairs. She was sure that they were already planning Wedding Attempt #002 at this point, the way things were going.
"That'll be three thousand yen, onee-chan," Nabiki said, coming by with a proferred hand. "I told you they were getting physical."
Kasumi was quite reluctant to part with her painstakingly budgeted savings.
"Do you think that Ranma-kun and Akane are really...erm...you know?"
"Well, one way to find out!" Nabiki said cheerfully, pushing open the door to the bath.
Two teenage girls were sitting together, faces flushed from the steam, squabbling something vicious. It looked like Akane was trying to remove her bra while Ranma was strapping it back on.
Nabiki grinned.
"Sorry to interrupt."
The two looked up, faces flushing from what was definitely not steam. They bolted away from each other.
"Th-this isn't what it looks like!" they both yelled together.
After that, their words started blurring together and cancelling each other out, and it became impossible to tell who was saying what.
"I would never – not with a tomboy like her."
"R-really, you weren't interrupting a thing. Not – a – THING."
"Nuthin' to see here!"
"I'm sure," said Nabiki. "Well, have fun! Oh, and Ranma-kun, that's not how you unstrap them!"
"I WASN'T TRYING TO – "
Nabiki shut the door and left them to whatever they weren't trying to do. She turned to her bemused big sister.
"Fork it over, Kasumi onee-chan. You heard them."
"I heard that they weren't trying to," Kasumi argued back. "And I believe we should take them at their word."
She really didn't want to lose her cash.
Ranma sighed, leaping down from the fence. Today would be a long, long day at school.
He glanced up at the dark clouds looming overhead and sighed again as a wooden sword flashed in the breeze.
"TENDO AKANE! PIGTAILED GIRL!"
A long, long day.
A/N: I have such a teenage sense of humor, so silly I am...
I hope I got the essence of that Ranma 1/2 humor.
Leave a review! :)