7:55 - 8:32 AM
At the sight of the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, Ranma and Akane nodded in unison and took a fighting stance, ready to send him flying into the sky.
It was going to be a long, long day, but hopefully it would be predictable. They'd knock Kuno into the sky, reach class before the bell rang, Hinako-sensei would skip in, go hyper, take attendance, go hyper again, and drain some unfortunate student's energy. Maybe there would be no more than two assassination attempts. The hair bow she had forced Ranma to wear was new and Akane didn't want it ruined.
Yes. It wasn't predictable by any normal human being's standards, but Akane would take what she got.
"My fair, beauteous maidens! Come quickly for I must present you to my august mother!" he yelled, waving his sword around, not caring of where it hit – in this case, a poor hot pipe near the fence that exploded in a plume and drenched Akane-in-Ranma's-body.
Water had a supernatural attraction to her fiance, she thought, dripping wet, shooting up in height, losing the bust, and gaining some rock-solid abs.
"What do you mean, present us to your mother?" Ranma asked, also dripping wet and none the pleased for it. "You have a mother?"
No doubt she was as bananas as the Kuno father.
"Oh, foul sorcerer Saotome, what have you done with the divine Pigtailed Girl? You hide her away when my need for her is greatest!" Kuno said, scowling at Akane in a way that jolted her. Kuno never scowled at her. He was damn annoying, and had given her a lifetime of trouble with his stupid announcement about defeating her in combat, but even so, he never showed the slightest bit of animosity to her, having been up to this point far, far too friendly.
...This body swap thing needed to end. Soon.
Ranma was twitching.
"You...still haven't figured it out? Dude, my body changed right in front of you!"
Kuno frowned at this pronouncement, then ignored it. He ignored lots of things.
"But never you mind. Sweet Tendo Akane, the time has long since come for you to meet your soon-to-be mother-in-law! For she has deigned to grace the walls of my humble abode and wishes to set eyes upon my betrothed, that is to say, you."
"YOU TOLD YOUR MOM THAT WE'RE ENGAGED?" Akane roared.
A mallet appeared in her hands. Ranma's hands.
"Foul one, I am engaged to Tendo Akane and the Pigtailed Girl, not you."
Before Akane could make sense of this gibberish, a swirl of black rose petals surrounded her and a dainty laugh echoed in her ears. Damn. She didn't even have time to react.
"Oh, my sweet Ranma-sama!" Kodachi said, running her hands along those smooth, muscled arms of Akane's fiance. And draping herself all over Akane's fiance's shoulders. And lingering especially upon Akane's fiance's chest.
Akane tamped down a surge of jealousy and rage.
It had never been fun to watch Kodachi feeling up Ranma, but experiencing it in the flesh was a surreal event. Kodachi getting affectionate was the stuff of nightmares.
"How fortunate I am to see you here! Come, dear Ranma-sama, to meet your mother-in-law!"
She and Ranma were both engaged! To each other! What sort of delusion did these two lunatic siblings even have?
They exchanged a look of despair as they were dragged off into the Kuno fortress...erm, house.
A long, long day indeed.
The Kunos had decorated their house festively for the arrival of their mother. Akane didn't even know the Kuno siblings had one, or how she had gotten together with the Kunos' father. Or why she had gotten together with him.
Kodachi and her brother seemed to live all by themselves, them and their pet alligator that Kodachi insisted on calling a turtle.
But they apparently did have a mother, and they had told this mystery lady that they were "engaged." And they were being led to her in chains...at least in Akane's case. There was a reason Kodachi had draped herself all over Akane-in-Ranma's-body, and that was paralysis powder.
Akane shuddered. As bad as the guys who would attack her every day were, they never went this far.
Ranma always claimed lack of interest in his numerous fiance(e)s, but in Akane's opinion, he never discouraged Shampoo and Ukyo the way he should have if it were her (the ten-year okonomiyaki sauce debacle in particular: why didn't he just tell Ukyo he wasn't interested if he wasn't interested, huh?).
She would cut him slack on Kodachi, though. That girl was disturbed.
"What are we supposed to do?" she whispered to Ranma as they were both led beyond the imposing gate and into the hallways festooned with balloons and piles of confetti. "School starts in half an hour."
"We'll have to escape...somehow."
Akane gagged as they were led into the living room, similarly decorated as though a birthday clown had shown up and vomited all over it.
In pride of place was a giant throne of black rose petals. It towered so much that it went through the poor broken roof, extending all the way into the clouds.
"'Kay, that makes the Principal look normal," Ranma muttered.
"Ohohoho! My dear Tatewaki, my darling Kodachi!" someone yelled from above. "How fare you?"
"Dearest mother, behold my fiancee, the fair Tendo Akane!"
"Most beloved mother, behold my fiance, the hottest man in Japan, Saotome Ranma!"
"Ohoho!" Mama Kuno cackled.
"Ahahaha!" That was Tatewaki.
"Ohohoho!"
"Ahahaha!"
A thick band of tension emerged in the back of Akane's skull.
"Ohohoho!"
"Ahahahahahahahaha!"
"Ohohohohohohohohohoho!"
"Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"
"Ohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho!"
It went on and on like that for a while. Principal Kuno wasn't the only eccentric parent in the family.
"What are they even doing?" Akane mumbled when the Kuno mother began some kind of haiku competition with her son, punctuated with regular interjections from her daughter.
"The moon is so bright..."
"Do you think that lady is still married to the Principal?"
"My mother is much brighter..."
"Why did they...you know?"
"Ohohoho! Mother, you must meet my dear turtle in the pond!"
"...Who do you think ran away first?"
"I give you a new daughter-in-law!"
"Those are not five syllables, foolish brother!"
Ranma finally broke Akane's handcuffs with a single glancing blow. No one noticed. Kodachi was yelling something about all the poison paralysis powders she had developed during the years of her mother's absence, Kuno was still torturing some unfortunate poems, and the mama was still periodically cackling.
"What do you say we get outta here?" Ranma whispered. "I wanna get back to school before the yakisoba pan runs out."
At that moment, the giant black rose throne spontaneously crumbled, to be replaced with a lush red carpet.
A beautiful, classy, elegant woman descended, with straight black hair, a calm smile, and an expensive-looking kimono. Mother Kuno seemed the polar opposite of her supposed spouse (seriously, why did they decide to get married?).
"My dear beloved progeny. Would your betrothed ones be willing to engage me in a duel? I would be pleased to test their proficiency in Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastic Swordfighting Poetic Horticulture."
Akane trudged into her seat ten minutes after the bell rang, a headache pounding away at the inside of her skull.
Ranma trudged into the classroom fifteen minutes after the bell rang, carrying a cane and having several front teeth missing.
Both glanced at the clock and barely held back tears.
It wasn't even 9 AM yet.
A/N: I always wondered what was going on with the Kunos...they're on something.
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