Hello everyone! So, I know I'm like super late to the party, but I've just read 'Wild Space' by Karen Miller and - oh my gosh - I just can't get it out of my head - if you read it you propably know what things it made me feel. This fic is the result!
For the record, I'm still new to SW, and I have absolutely no idea if there is a place in the Jedi Temple for the Jedi and Clones to eat together, so let's all agree that there is - for the story's (and the author's) sake. For that same reason I apologize in advance if the story feels a bit ooc.
English is not my main language, so as always, I'm sorry for all mistakes.
Warning of the described panic attack [!].
Title is from the song 'Cat and Mouse' by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.
I'd love to know what you think about this! I'll be gratefull for every comment.
Hope you'll like it! Enjoy!
"Are you sure you don't want to go to Senator Amidala for dinner with me? You know, the dinner we're both invited to?"
Obi-Wan sighed tiredly, not even bothering to hide his slight irritation at hearing Anakin ask the same question for what felt like the hundredth time since they had received an invitation to a diplomatic dinner from Senator Amidala about a week ago.
"Yes, Anakin, I'm sure. You can see for yourself just how much work I have to catch up on," he said, gesturing to the stack of datapads on the desk in front of him. "Certainly you'll be fine without me this time. It's not that my presence is necessary for the dinner to go well, is it?"
Anakin looked at him skeptically from his spot by the door and crossed his arms on his chest. It was clear as day he wasn't buying any of it.
"Obi-Wan, seriously, what is it about? Is it because Senator Organa is going to be there too?"
Obi-Wan's grip on a datapad tightened, and a cold shiver ran down his spine. He wanted to kick himself for letting himself slip like that. He straightened up and cleared his throat, hoping his former Padawan hadn't noticed anything.
"What? Of course not. What makes you think that?" he asked, with as much mock surprise as he could muster.
Anakin shrugged. "I don't know, it's just… You seem to be trying to avoid him lately."
Damn you, Anakin. Ever so observant. Obi-Wan shook his head and raised the corners of his mouth in an attempt to smile.
"I'm not trying to avoid anyone, Anakin. I'm just a little tired and I've got a headache. Maybe another time. Send Padme my apologies, if you would."
If anything, his words seemed to only get Anakin to worry even more. He leaned off the doorframe and took a step forward, ready to rush to his master's side in an instant if necessary.
"Is it a migraine again? Maybe you need to lie down? Should I bring you your meds? I can go get Master Che, if you want me to."
Obi-Wan sighed heavily. He knew Anakin was just worried about him, especially after recent events, but on days like this, the growing concern and anxiety on his side of the Force felt almost… painful, against his barely rebuilt defenses.
"There's no need, it's nothing I can't handle," he assured, giving the younger man a confident look. "I'll be fine, truly."
Drop it, please, he thought. He really couldn't see Bail. Not today, when the nightmares that haunted him at night were extremely difficult to bear. Not today, when the pain behind his eyes was so intense. Not today, when it was so difficult to keep the memories at bay and stick to reality.
Please, please, just drop it.
Anakin said nothing for a moment, searching Obi-Wan's eyes for something, anything. Whatever he found, he made no sign of it. He uncrossed his arms and let them fall to his sides.
"Alright, then," he said resignedly. "But don't work too long, you know very well that you can't overwork yourself just yet. And, please, go grab something to eat soon."
"Sure, I will."
"Promise?"
And maybe it was the tone of his voice, or the amount of genuine care in it, that for a brief moment Obi-Wan could see that little boy before him again, scared and in desperate need of having someone, who had trusted him with his life all those years ago, and felt warmth spreading somewhere deep in his heart, and the world suddenly became a little bit clearer. He smiled warmly.
"Promise."
Anakin smiled back. He said, "Okay. I'll see you later," and left, leaving Obi-Wan alone in the room.
As the door closed with a hiss, Obi-Wan let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, with relief. It worked. One more day he could hide away from his problems. One more day without having to deal with his demons.
When he looked down at his hands, they were shaking slightly. He took a deep breath. Looked again. They stopped shaking.
Content, he got back to work.
When enough time had passed for him to start seeing double, Obi-Wan set a datapad aside and rubbed at his temples. He glanced at the chrono and was surprised to see that only thirty minutes had passed since Anakin had left, which meant that with the usual amount of traffic at this time of day, the man had probably just arrived at his destination. Strange. He could have sworn he had been sitting at his desk for hours. He certainly felt that way.
Remembering the promise he made to Anakin, he decided to take a short break. He wasn't particularly hungry, but he knew that eating enough food was the only way to gain back the weight he had lost and get stronger in the process. Food, among other things, was the fuel that would help him get better, help him get back into shape.
Holding on to that thought, when he suddenly felt nauseous as he stood up, he left the room and headed down the hall to the cafeteria. It wasn't far, and soon he could hear voices and smell caf. When he arrived, he found that, fortunately for him, the largest wave of hungry soldiers had already satisfied their appetites and the cafeteria was almost empty, save for two small groups of Clones. Obi-Wan quickly grabbed his food and moved towards the table where he, Anakin, and Ahsoka sat most often.
And maybe it was because he hadn't slept for several nights in a row and he let his guard down from exhaustion that he heard this particular out-of-context fragment of conversation, two words really, when he passed by the Clones' table. Maybe it was his bad luck. Or maybe the world just hated him.
"...o die. Jedi w…"
Die, Jedi, die, Jedi, die, Jedi, die.
Obi-Wan froze, and felt his heart drop to the ground along with the tray he was holding in his hands. The sound of dishes hitting the floor was as loud as a bomb exploding.
Die, Jedi, die, Jedi, die, Jedi, die.
Obi-Wan forgot how to breathe.
"General Kenobi?" Obi-Wan's head snapped up to meet Cody's worried gaze. Where did his commander suddenly come from in front of him? Cody looked at the mess on the floor and then back at the Jedi. "Is everything alright, sir?" he asked.
Breathe.
Obi-Wan blinked rapidly and tried to fake a smile, but failed miserably. "Yes, Cody, everything's alright, thank you. I was just-"
Die, Jedi, die, Jedi, die, Jedi, die.
Obi-Wan felt the blood drain from his face. Oh, Force.
"General?"
"I'm sorry. I-I have to go."
Without waiting for a response or any other reaction from Cody, and not caring about the mess he had made, Obi-Wan quickly passed him and almost ran out of the cafeteria.
When the door closed behind him, he pressed his back against the wall, breathing heavily. His hands were shaking again. His heart rate was increasing. It was happening again. He had to get away from here. He had to get somewhere safe.
The nearly-run back to his quarters never seemed longer. With each step his legs seemed to get more wobbly. Sweat started dripping down his neck. He prayed silently to not come across anyone else on his way.
After a few more agonizing seconds, Obi-Wan finally made it to his room and locked himself inside. As if on cue, his legs gave way at that moment. He slid down the door with his back to it, to the floor.
Die, Jedi, die, Jedi, die, Jedi, die.
The voice wasn't real, he knew it. It wasn't in his head, it was in his imagination. But in the darkness and silence of the room, it seemed as loud and real as it had been on Zigoola, not that long ago.
Submit, Jedi.
He felt shivers run through his entire body. The pain behind his eyes exploded.
Obi-Wan pulled his knees up to his chest, wishing for all of it to end.
When Anakin checked the time after he got off his speeder, he cursed under his breath. He was late. Stupid traffic. He just hoped that Padme wouldn't be angry with him for long.
As he ran down the corridor, he was relieved to see that he wasn't the only one who hadn't managed to arrive on time. "Senator Organa!" he called.
The dark-haired man stopped and turned towards him. He smiled warmly as Anakin ran up to him. They shook hands as a greeting.
"Anakin, it's nice to see you," Bail Organa said in his deep voice filled with kindness. "I'm guessing you got stuck in traffic too?"
"Yes, I did. Fortunately, it's only a few minutes."
"I'm sure Padme will forgive us."
They started walking together. Before they could reach the door, however, Anakin felt his commlink buzzing. He unfastened it from his belt without stopping and answered the call.
"Hello, Cody," he said. "I'm sorry, but as long as no one's dying, I'll have to call you later. I'm going to be a bit busy for the next two hours." Or maybe longer, if the guests disperse quickly and he and Padme are left alone, he thought, but for obvious reasons didn't say it out loud.
Cody's flickering blue image frowned.
"I don't mean to disturb you, sir, but I wouldn't call if it wasn't important." Cody shifted from one foot to the other and swallowed before speaking again. "It's about General Kenobi."
Anakin suddenly stopped in his tracks, right in front of the door behind which the dinner had already started. He felt his own eyebrows furrow and his heart quicken slightly. "What happened, Cody?" he asked.
Cody clearly didn't know how to put into words what he wanted to say. "There was… an accident, if you could call it that."
"An accident?"
"General Kenobi arrived at the cafeteria. He looked fine at first, but suddenly he froze and his tray of food fell out of his hands. It seemed that something scared him. When I approached him to ask if everything was alright, he assured me that it was, but then he turned pale and ran out. I followed him to check if he was okay, but he locked himself in his quarters. General Skywalker, me and the other Clones are worried. We don't know what to do."
Kriff. Anakin knew that something about Obi-Wan was off when he talked to him earlier. He had been having panic attacks more frequently since he returned from that damned Sith planet. He could have seen this coming. He shouldn't have been deceived. He shouldn't have left him alone today.
He nodded, Padme's dinner long forgotten. "Alright, thank you for letting me know, Cody. Don't do anything, only watch him if he comes out. I'll be there as soon as possible."
"Yes, sir."
Cody's image faded as he ended the call. Anakin immediately started walking back to where he left his speeder.
"Hey, let me come with you." Organa suddenly spoke up, whom Anakin had completely forgotten about in all the confusion. The senator had heard the conversation and now looked visibly worried. Anakin took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry, Senator, but I'm not sure if this is a good idea. Obi-Wan is… not very well yet, as you can imagine. And he doesn't meet with others often." Anakin didn't want to say outright that Obi-Wan didn't want to meet with him, but Bail could read between the lines. Still, he didn't give up.
"I know that, but I really want to help," he said. "Let me talk to him. That's all I'm asking."
Anakin still wasn't convinced, he himself didn't know how to go about it, but he felt that Bail's intentions were sincere. He and Obi-Wan had become friends, whatever they had been through together had brought them closer. He also wanted the best for him.
Bail waited patiently for the young Jedi's response. Anakin finally nodded.
"Okay," he agreed. "Now let's go, the sooner we get there, the better."
One breath. Two breaths. Three breaths.
Good, that's good. Again.
Obi-Wan didn't know how much time had passed - it could have been both a few minutes or a few hours. He couldn't bring himself to care.
One breath. Two breaths. Three bre-
DIE, JEDI, DIE, JEDI, DIE, JEDI, DIE.
Obi-Wan felt his entire body tense again and his chest tighten, all his composure gone. "No," he choked out, squeezing his eyes shut and covering his ears with his hands in a desperate attempt to block out the voice that kept finding a way to reach him. "Quiet, quiet!"
His fingers tingled and he broke into a cold sweat. He felt trapped, like it would never end, like he was stuck in this moment forever, like he could never…
"Obi-Wan?"
He jumped away as if he had been burned and hit his back against the wall when a voice suddenly spoke from the other side of the door. The sudden movement caused his knee and lightsaber wound to explode in pain, almost bringing him to tears.
The blood pounded in his ears as he froze, and with wide eyes listened to the voice that now sounded like Bail Organa's. He wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't anymore. He couldn't think of anything other than that his heart was about to burst out of his chest.
Then the new voice spoke again.
"Obi-Wan? It's me, Bail. Are you alright in there?" So he wasn't imagining things. Bail Organa really was outside his door for some reason. Which was exactly what Obi-Wan wanted to avoid. He wasn't able to process everything that had happened yet, and even thinking about the senator from Alderaan was bringing back the memories that he especially wanted to bury as deep as possible in his mind.
He was aware that avoiding him forever wasn't the best coping mechanism, but it didn't change the fact that he was now completely defenseless in the face of these memories. He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his fists against them, but it was of little use as he was flooded with the images he had managed to escape from for so long. Almost choking Bail to death. Crashing the ship. Not being able to resist the visions and endangering Bail's life and almost killing him multiple times as a result. Having Bail, ghost-looking and with an injured arm, pick him up and carry him because he was too weak to save them sooner.
Obi-Wan whimpered and buried his head in his arms resting on his knees. He had nowhere to hide anymore. This is why he didn't want to meet Bail Organa. And now he was here. And it hurt everything inside him.
Organa knocked on the door lightly but firmly. "Come on, Master Kenobi. I know you're inside." Stubborn as ever. Obi-Wan groaned.
"Go away," he mumbled, keeping his head down, his voice so hoarse he barely recognized it as his own.
There was a rustle on the other side and a soft thud of a body hitting the ground as Organa realized Obi-Wan was sitting on the floor. When the man spoke again, he was at his level.
"Hey. You okay?" Bail tried again. Obi-Wan flinched at how close he was to him now. His words echoed in his aching head.
"I'm fine," he said, swallowed, and then repeated weakly, "Go away. Please."
But it was Senator Bail Organa. Of course he'll do anything but what's asked of him.
"I'm sorry, but I don't really believe you," he said calmly. "I heard you've been having a difficult time lately. You know, it's understandable, after what happened to us. It's normal that it's hard for you. You don't have to hide it. You don't have to face this alone."
Obi-Wan shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it."
"That's okay, we don't have to talk. I'll just sit here with you, then. And as long as you're not about to come out, you can't make me leave. You know I mean it". Oh, yes, Obi-Wan was painfully aware of that. He raised his head and leaned it against the wall, closing his eyes. He sighed deeply.
"Why are you here, Bail?" he asked.
"Well, we haven't seen each other for a while, I wanted to check how you are doing. I was worried. Your friends are worried, too."
"You don't have to worry about me. I already told you I'm fine."
"Is this why you locked yourself in your apartment and don't want to come out?"
Obi-Wan snorted. "I'm fine," he repeated again, although he didn't know exactly who he was really trying to convince - himself or the persistent senator. "I don't need your pity, Bail. Or your help. There, you checked on me, you can leave now. I'm sure you have a lot of other things to do."
"Oh, my duties can wait a little longer. I think I'm exactly where I need to be."
Obi-Wan didn't have the strength to argue with him, so he let the silence surround them. He tried to concentrate on his breathing, but it was difficult with the memories attacking him from all sides. He didn't know how much longer he could take this.
Die, Jedi, die, Jedi, die, Jedi, die.
SUBMIT, JEDI.
He felt like crying.
And then, at last, he let go.
"It won't leave me alone, Bail," he finally choked out, his voice breaking, unable to keep it in any longer. He sounded weak and pathetic, and that's how he felt - worthless, useless. Defeated.
On the other side, he heard Bail move closer. "The voice." It was more of a statement than a question.
"I thought… I thought I'd get free of it when we got home, but it followed me here. It's everywhere. It enslaved every possible part of me. And no matter what I do, I just can't break free." His voice broke dangerously at the end, but he couldn't care less. He felt tears welling up in his eyes.
"No, it's not true," Bail said. "You're a Jedi, you don't let anyone or anything enslave you. You wouldn't be here right now if you did."
Obi-Wan let out a shaky breath, searching for the right words. He didn't think there was a way to express everything he felt right now all at once. Absolute helplessness, above all. "I just… When I'm close to you, or any other thing that reminds me of Zigoola, I can't stop thinking about my powerlessness and all the terrible things I've allowed myself to do. All the terrible things you had to go through because of me."
It was Bail's turn to sigh now. "I get it, really. I also find myself thinking about it a lot more often than I would like to. But you know what else I'm thinking about? About how glad I am that I ended up there with you."
"What?" For a moment, Obi-Wan thought he had misheard. The man must have been crazier than Obi-Wan thought him to be. He shook his head in disbelief. "Bail, I tried to kill you."
"You're wrong. It was some dark Sith magic that I still don't understand trying to make you kill me. Not you, Obi-Wan. You did everything you could to resist this urge, even at the expense of your own health. You put me before yourself, as you always do. Because you are a good person. A strong, powerful Jedi with a pure heart. It's thanks to you that we survived the crash of the ship. It was you who, with the last of your strength, forced yourself to endure the torture to call for help. It's you who saved us, it's you who I owe my life to. You're not the villain of this story, but its hero. Don't let some stupid voice or anyone else tell you otherwise. None of this was ever your fault, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You hear me?"
When Bail stopped talking, there was complete silence, in which Obi-Wan could only hear the frantic beating of his heart.
He blinked, and the tears fell.
"I-" he started, but a lump formed in his throat. A sob threatened to escape, and he bit his lip so hard he tasted blood. Tears clouded his vision. Suddenly he couldn't catch his breath. The world spun around him.
Involuntarily, he made the sound of a wounded animal caught in a trap, which alerted Bail. "Obi-Wan? What's going on?" Obi-Wan couldn't answer even if he wanted to. His heart just wouldn't slow down. From outside, he heard Bail get up and someone enter the code to his door. "Alright, I'm coming in."
Obi-Wan was unable to do anything to protest. The door opened and the senator entered the room. It was so dark that he didn't see Obi-Wan for a second. When he did, he quickly approached him and knelt down next to him. The concern was clearly visible on his face.
"Hey. Hey, it's okay. You're alright. Breathe," he said, placing his big, warm hand on Obi-Wan's back and rubbing it in soothing circles.
Obi-Wan looked at him with wide eyes and shook his head frantically.
"I can't… I can't-"
"Easy. It will pass."
"What… What if… it won't?" Obi-Wan muttered. "What if-" There was so much more he wanted to say. What if the voice haunts me forever? What if I can never be myself again? What if I can't be the Jedi everyone needs me to be? What if I'm a lost cause?
He looked at Bail again and knew he didn't have to say any of it. Bail really did understand. The man smiled soothingly.
"You don't have to worry about that, Obi-Wan. You're not alone. You have lots of people around you who care about you. We are all here for you, and we want to help you. You'll get through this." Obi-Wan opened his mouth, but no words came out. Bail continued to rub his back, patiently. "Come on, you have to breathe. Deeply. Please, breathe for me."
Slowly, slowly, after what seemed like an eternity, Obi-Wan's heart finally slowed to a slightly more acceptable pace. The iron grip on his lungs loosened and he began to take full breaths. The warmth from Bail's hand spread throughout his entire body and helped his muscles relax.
The room finally stopped spinning, and Obi-Wan suddenly felt exhausted, completely drained of any energy he had left. His body became limp. He felt himself falling forward and there was nothing he could do about it. Before he could reach the ground, however, Bail managed to shift so that Obi-Wan fell onto him, landing with his chin on the man's shoulder.
"Whoa. Obi-Wan?"
"Sorry," he muttered. He had no strength left to get himself up. His eyes started to close.
"It's okay," Organa assured him. "You need to rest."
"I'm so tired."
"I know. But it's alright now. You're safe."
Obi-Wan wasn't entirely sure why, but he believed Bail when he wrapped his arms around him and let him rest on his chest.
Maybe not today, maybe not in a week or in a month, but he will get better, with the help and care of his friends. He didn't have to run away from them. He was safe with them.
Obi-Wan let his eyes close.
The voice was silent.
Anakin had heard the entire conversation, so when he entered the code he knew by heart and let Senator Organa inside, he knew what to expect, but still, the sight before him shocked him.
Even after the most difficult battles, from which he barely escaped with his life, his master had never looked like this - so small and vulnerable, falling apart on the floor of his own apartment. Completely lost.
Broken. It hit Anakin with crushing force. His master was broken. The weight of it all finally proved to be too much.
When Obi-Wan swayed and fell against Senator Organa's chest, Anakin moved to run to him, but stopped mid-step, feeling in the Force how the aura around Obi-Wan changed, becoming lighter as all the negative emotions gave way to exhaustion, but also peace.
He was awestruck, seeing his master actually fall asleep on his newfound friend's shoulder after so many sleepless nights.
It certainly wasn't the stab of jealousy that Anakin suddenly felt in his heart as Bail began to rock them gently and whisper words into Obi-Wan's ear that he was too far away to hear. Because how could anyone be jealous of something like that, of having to do it in the first place? He shook his head to clear his mind. Yes, he wanted Obi-Wan to tell him what had really happened, he wanted to share his pain and support him the way he clearly wasn't able to right now, but it wasn't about him. It was about Obi-Wan, his mentor, his best friend, the closest person he had to family, the first person who showed him that he was worth being loved and cared for. It was about time to return the favor.
When Anakin looked back at Bail, their eyes met and he nodded his head in silent thanks. Bail smiled sadly, but with a glimmer of hope in his eyes. Anakin returned the gesture.
Because that's what everyone needed right now. Hope that night will give way to day, and Obi-Wan will find his way back to the Light.
For now, they'll just let him sleep.