Chapter 11 – Tusk Till Dawn

The washed hog's long-awaited return.

Jaune patted Amber in his breast pocket as he stepped into Professor Port's history class on Monday afternoon. He couldn't leave the call with her running, as that would drain the batteries of his scroll, but he'd granted whatever program she was control over his camera at all times, so she could see what was going on. That way, she got to at least experience Jaune's small sliver of the world, even if she couldn't directly interact with it.

The two of them had briefly played around with the idea of trying to see if she could take control of other technology, but a test involving the scroll's Purpletooth connection proved that she couldn't even take control of a wireless speaker device. Apparently, her aura was tied to the scroll itself, and she couldn't broadcast it via any signal. She could, however, use the scroll's built-in hardware that accessed the CCT network, meaning she could browse the web and download whatever she wanted. At that, she'd joked about catching a virus and getting sick.

Amber was a pleasant person to be around, one who seemed enthusiastic to be involved in something at all even if she couldn't reach out and touch it. She was ecstatic with joy after befriending Team Juniper, and Jaune sadly realized that these were probably the first real companions she'd ever had, beyond Ozpin's guards and her co-workers. Jaune would probably have contemplated suicide if he were trapped in a scroll with no way to touch, taste, or smell ever again, but Amber was simply gleeful to escape Ozpin's grasp, whatever form she took. The fact that her containment had been so strict that she was willing to accept being an electronic appliance was probably the saddest thing Jaune had ever heard.

At least she was happy, even if that was only because her circumstances before this were so poor that anything was an improvement.

Remember what she said. Celebrate what you can, don't let the negative stuff drag you down.

Amber was also an exceptionally skilled huntress, and she had proven to be a decent trainer as well. She had insisted on paying Jaune back for busting her out of the vault by training him on how to fight, so that night, he'd taken her a training room, propped her up against the wall so her camera could see him, and had practiced against some training droids using a training sword. Amber had been rather brutal in her scathing review of his form, but it was brutal honesty, and not without constructive criticism at the end.

It would've been nice to have been tutored by one of his teammates, but like he had once said to Perry, Team Juniper was a misfit squad. None of them had formal training, and while they were individually talented, they had only grown that way after learning from experience, not a teacher. Thus, not one of the three had any idea how a combat lesson was supposed to look, feel, or sound. Perry had offered to teach Jaune how to box, but their first session on Saturday evening had ended early when Jaune couldn't understand Perry's suggestions of 'using his instincts.'

Amber, on the other hand, was a Beacon graduate, and she could call upon the lessons she had picked up over the years. It was like getting a distilled version of Miss Goodwitch's combat class, one-on-one and with the advice tailored to him and his lack of aura specifically. He probably learned more that evening than he had in his entire first week at Beacon.

Professor Goodwitch hadn't called him into the ring again, which was fortunate because he still lacked a real weapon. Yang hadn't said anything about letting Jaune meet with her mom, but he didn't want to bother her with that, so he just hadn't brought it up with her again. Hopefully, she would broach that subject with Raven at her own pace, because Jaune was really hoping to get back Crocea Mors soon. Without aura or a sword, he could scarcely even pretend he was more qualified to be in Beacon than the average rando off the street.

At least he'd been able to take all that armor off. It was quite the hefty workout, wearing it to Goodwitch's class no matter what (if he did get called up to fight, there would be no time to change), but Jaune figured he could manage. It was only for one hour each day, after all.

Strangely, Professor Port's Grimm Studies hall had a box at the bottom of the class that was wildly rattling around. It was covered up in a tarp, but Jaune could see the outlines of bars poking out of the sides.

"I wonder what that's about," Jaune said to Nora.

"Maybe it's full of pancakes!"

"It looks like a cage."

"Maybe it's full of sloths!"

"Why would it be–"

Jaune was cut off by his scroll ringing. He quickly pulled it out and swiped up.

"Amber, class is about to start," Jaune said, using his hand to cover his mouth in the hope that no one else would overhear him. "This is a bad time."

"Jaune, whatever you do, you c–"

"Young man," bellowed Port from the stage. "Please put that device away right this instance. And silence it, as well! This is a place of education, not some Mistrilian museum of modern art."

"Sorry," Jaune whispered as he hung up and muted Amber. She would probably understand. After all, whatever she'd needed to tell him could wait until after the lecture. It wasn't like she had been about to warn him of a life-threatening danger or something.

"Now," began Port, "I'd like to ask for a volunteer. I offer you a rare opportunity to grow as a hunter and as a person, but be warned – this is no ordinary trial. Your resolve shall be tested like it has never been tested before."

I could probably use the experience, thought Jaune. I'm playing catch-up compared to all the other students, so I really shouldn't turn down a chance to improve myself. And besides, what's the worst that could be under that tarp? A sloth eating pancakes?

And so, Jaune raised his hand.

"I'll do it, sir."

"Ah, the miscreant. I'm glad to see you're attempting to turn your life around, mister. Perhaps this defeat shall put you in your place, or perhaps this victory shall only serve to embolden your defiance. Only time will tell." He placed a hand on the tarp. "Tell me, boy. Have you the spirit of a true huntsman?"

I don't, but I probably shouldn't say that.

"I do, sir."

"Splendid!" Port pulled the sheet off his cage. "Then please, come to the front of the room."

The Grimm was going hog-wild with excitement now that it could see the full classroom of humans. Jaune, as well as every other student present, stopped whatever they had been doing and turned to stare at the captive monster.

"You want me to…"

"Precisely."

"I don't have my armor. O-Or my weapon."

"You have the spirit of a true huntsman, and that is the only armor our kind need. Let justice be your sword and righteousness your shield, and this fiend can do you no harm. Now, down with you, boy, down! We don't have all day."

"S-Sir, I don't think I can do this unarmed."

"Nonsense, I say. Utter nons–"

"HOGWASH!" screamed Ruby, standing up. She looked around, grew embarrassed, and sat back down. "Sorry. It won't happen again." But it was too late. It had already happened once, and that was enough.

Port tickled his mustache, the motion making his tummy jiggle. "Mister Arc, I do believe I read a particularly riveting article in this school's esteemed newspaper depicting hand to hand combat between you and several Grimm during initiation. Compared to those monsters, this should be a breeze."

Jaune suddenly understood why so many people actively hated the Faunus. Velvet, your suffering shall know no bounds when I am done. Heed my warning…

…warning…

Amber, when this whole thing is over, if I survive, I promise to get you the finest carrying case lien can buy.

Port wasn't going to let him back out now, and so Jaune had no choice but to approach the stage and face down the caged boar Grimm. Despite teaching Grimm Studies, Port had yet to teach Jaune anything about the Grimm, so he didn't know what the creature was, how it fought, and most importantly, what its weaknesses were.

So this is how I die. My tombstone will read, 'He snuck into school, and a pig yeeted him.' I'll bring shame to my family's good name, Team Juniper will implode when Nora succeeds me as leader, and Amber won't–

Jaune sucked in a deep breath.

If he died, Amber would have no one to charge her, to defend her, to make sure she was safe. No one else would believe that his scroll was alive if she tried to tell them, and they would probably just throw her away. For this first time, he was responsible for a life other than his own, and the duty seemed like far too much. If he fought and lost, she would suffer the fatal consequences just the same.

And after she just got out of the vault and into the real world!

Suddenly, this whole thing was no longer a joke or a game. Suddenly, there were serious, real-life consequences to Jaune's actions beyond being embarrassed or humiliated or beaten up.

I need to win this. Like, NEED to. If I screw up like I did when I was fighting Cardin, Amber will miss her only chance at life because I'm a cowardly failure. I owe it to her to survive, because if I can't, neither will she.

So, this was the burden of being a huntsman, then. Who lived and who died was decided by how well a battle went for you. This was what Jaune had thought he could handle when he faked those records and slipped into Beacon, believing it to be a fanciful castle of brave knights and fair maidens and noble warriors. Losing meant death for you, which he knew, but also for everyone in your care.

The responsibility was too great.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but I CANNOT do this. I don't have au–"

Port lifted the peg out of the latch and threw it aside. "Whoops!"

Out lumbered the boar Grimm, snorting heavily. It prodded the ground for a few seconds, as though it were unsure of the fact that it was truly free. When its liberation finally sank in, it looked up with its freakish red eyes and locked on to Jaune.

"Best of luck, my boy. Try not to destroy too much of my classroom in your rampage!"

Was he talking to me or the pig?

Jaune dove for cover as soon as the hog began to roll toward him. Those tusks looked like they could tear through his tendons with the ease of a hot Nora through pancakes, and he didn't want to give them the chance. Port's podium was the only available hiding spot, so that was where he went.

I need to fight! How can I fight?

The Grimm smashed right through the wooden podium, knocking Jaune to the ground in front of it. Two massive hooves raised into the air as the Grimm reared up on both feet. Jaune rolled out from under it before they came back down to the ground, cracking the tile floor where Jaune had just been standing.

First things first – I need a weapon!

The fight was happening so quickly that Jaune barely had any time to strategize. Unlike Cardin, who would prep for his attacks with choreographed moves like pulling back for a swing, this Grimm was mindlessly rageful against all human life, and its furious assault was relentless. Every time Jaune avoided a tusk or hoof, another one was shooting towards him.

If I–

The Grimm didn't even let him finish the thought. The two rounded tusks that stuck out in front of the creature's head connected with Jaune's chest and pinned him to the wall. Fortunately, the act of doing so ensured that the Grimm's sharpened mouth tusks couldn't reach Jaune's undefended flesh, as the frontal tusks kept the head of the Grimm at a fixed distance from Jaune.

Unfortunately, the hooves of the Grimm were not hindered in such a way, and both slammed down into his thighs. Jaune tried to push the Grimm off of him, but he was far weaker than it.

Weapon! Look! Now!

Port was holding his gun-axe at the ready, but given his insistence on Jaune fighting alone, it seemed unlikely that he would willingly part with it. None of his teammates had brought their weapons either, as this was supposed to be a theory class, not a practical one. The only sharp points he could see in the room were on the Grimm itself.

The Grimm itself…

Jaune looked up to see the stuffed head of a fake Beowolf mounted on the wall above him. Reaching up, he tried to see if he could dislodge the faux Grimm trophy, but it was far too high for him to even touch, let alone loosen.

The boar pressed its hooves against Jaune's legs with renewed force, and he had to bite his tongue to prevent himself from screaming in pain. It tilted its head upwards, releasing him for just a moment from its upper tusks, but Jaune was still unable to escape from the mighty force of the hooves on his legs.

The head moved again, and Jaune just barely managed to catch the Grimm's lower jaw and hold it back before its mouth tusks pierced his dress shirt.

Can't let go! Can't die! Think of Amber!

His strength was far weaker than the Grimm's, and both knew it. Jaune's arms were pushed back, and the tusks began to tear into his hoodie.

With every ounce of force he could muster, Jaune pushed the Grimm's head to the side. He was the weaker of the two, but the Grimm was only pressing forward. Its tusks surged forward, but Jaune was able to deflect them to the side before he was skewered. Squeezing the brief moment of advantage for everything it was worth, Jaune slipped Amber to his pants pocket, tore off his dress shirt, and swung the ripped article upwards. It wrapped around the Beowolf head, and Jaune pulled down.

When the living Grimm managed to free its tusks from the wall it had embedded them into, it was now in for a nasty surprise. Jaune thrust forward the Grimm head, and he managed to jab its authentically sharp imitation teeth into the side of the boar's head.

It squealed in fury and stepped back, taking the pressure of its hooves off of Jaune's legs and writhing back and forth. Putting some distance between them, Jaune kept hold of his makeshift weapon and prepared to fight.

"Go for the belly, Jaune!"

He briefly looked at who'd spoken, but then immediately turned back before finding the answer. The Grimm could attack at any moment.

"There's no armor underneath!"

Thank the Brothers for whoever had said that, because Jaune would never have realized it on his own. The Grimm approached him menacingly, stamping its hind legs into the ground as it let out an oink-roar.

He needed to kill it; that much was clear. However, Jaune had no way to flip it upside down, and he had a feeling the pig wasn't just going to just jump into the air and flip itself upside like a oh wait it did.

It didn't stop flipping though, instead rolling up into a tight ball and rampaging around Jaune in circles. If Jaune could just stop its motion while it was in the upside down portion of its rolling, he could finish it off.

I'm a human. I can think. I need to use that advantage.

Jaune didn't wait for the Grimm to close the distance between them. He loathed putting himself in a corner again, but the only way to ensure his victory was to stop the Grimm from rolling, and the only way he could immediately think of to stop it from rolling was to lure it into slamming itself into a wall. Thus, Jaune positioned himself between the Grimm and the whiteboard and waited for it to charge.

Jumping out of the way at the last second would be a risky maneuver, but Jaune had no other options. Clutching the Beowolf bust to his chest, he waited. The boar wasn't rolling in a straight line, instead doing wide curves and long turns as it got closer and closer to Jaune. If Jaune hadn't known that Grimm were mindless, he would've assumed that it was intentionally trying to act unpredictable in an effort to give itself an advantage over his rational mind.

But it is mindless, so it cannot strategize. This behavior has to be happening for a reason. Why is it doing that?

It probably wouldn't matter, but Jaune now had time in spades to think as the Grimm inched closer and closer, and he couldn't help it as his brain whirred in overdrive from the influence of adrenaline.

Can it not control itself when it's a ball? No, it rolled towards me in a straight line when the fight started.

The Grimm rolled into a wall perpendicular to the one Jaune had holed up against, but it bounced right off and continued its tortuous path.

It can't think. This has to be some involuntary behavior.

Why does it matter? I have my weapon, I know its weakness, I just need to kill it. Don't overthink this, Jaune.

The Grimm was now close enough to him that he could probably reach it if he lunged. Jaune watched as the swirling ball of black, white, and red made a pass, then turned around and made another. It inched closer once more, turned again, and repeated. The black and white of its hide were spinning so fast that he couldn't make out any features, simply the melding of the colors.

Hey, where the did the red go?

The only red part was…its eye…

It was blind.

Rather, it was blind in one eye. When he'd pushed his Beowolf head into the side of the pig's skull, he must've snagged an eye socket or two on that side and critically damaged them. Now, it was operating at half optical capacity.

That was both good and bad.

Good because the Grimm was now partially disabled, meaning that it would be weaker and less coordinated.

Bad because the Grimm could only see him when it was looking at him from the side. That meant that it couldn't see him if he were right in front of it, so there was no way it was going to roll straight towards him. In other words, his plan of having it slam itself into the wall to stop it was busted, and he'd let it corner him again for no reason.

The Grimm was only seconds away from reaching him, and Jaune had no way to stop it from rolling.

Don't focus too much on stopping its rolling. Crashing it into a wall was only a means to an end to get it flipped upside down. My main goal is to kill it. I shouldn't get tunnel vision about stopping it from rolling, or else I might miss a way to kill it while it's still moving.

Then it hit Jaune.

He was going about it backwards.

Jaune chucked the Beowolf head to the side and darted past the Grimm when it was in the middle of its turns without its eye on him. Presumably, it saw that he was no longer up against the wall, but it couldn't see that he was now on the other side of it. As it began to wheel around in a wide circle to locate him, Jaune took the time to look about the room for the object of his own desires.

There!

He raced towards it, but the Grimm rampaged past where he was standing and clipped his leg. Jaune went down, but he manipulated his fall so that he kept moving in the direction in which he was heading. His hand gripped down on the key to his victory, and he righted himself.

The boar was rotating around him in circles, apparently smart enough to have decided not to take its eyes off of him.

Hah - that will be your undoing!

Jaune slowly stepped to his right.

The Grimm altered its orbit to maintain a steady distance.

Jaune took another step, backwards this time.

The Grimm responded in kind, still revolving around him.

Jaune took one last step backwards.

The Grimm, continuing to moving along a circular path, followed him by adjusting ever so slightly on its course. It made it through half a revolution before rolling itself right into its cage, stopping with a thud as it slammed into the back wall.

With only one good eye, it hadn't seen the metal bars right in front of it until it was already trapped within them. Jaune had been slowly maneuvering himself so that the Grimm's circular path around him would lead it right into its prison, and it had worked.

Jaune shut the door and slid the peg he was holding back into place, locking his enemy inside the metal prison from whence it had come.

And so, shirtless, sweaty, and thoroughly exhausted, he approached Professor Port.

"I trust this proves I have the spirit?"

A nod was given to Jaune. There was a twinkle in the old man's eye, and what Jaune assumed was a broad smile hidden somewhere under all that mustache.

Jaune took the gun-axe right out of Port's hands (though the professor didn't seem to be gripping it very tightly), placed the barrel in between the bars of the cage, took aim at his dazed enemy's underbelly, and fired.

The Citron Champion

By Velvet Scarlatina

Beloved Beacon. The safeguard that houses humanity and the Faunus' finest warriors as they hone their skills against nature's most vile aberrations. My home, your home, and the home of all who read this. Truly, can there even exist a safer place in all of Remnant?

Evidently, there can. On Monday at approximately 2pm, there was a Grimm incursion at the very heart of civilization's purest bastion of hope and compassion. Worry not, dear reader, for this strike against our school's heart has been fought back, and the perpetrators purged with pinpoint precision prejudice. Naturally, the question in everyone's mind is simple: who is responsible? Which hero among us stepped up to defend the realm of the living from the unending hordes of our murky-black enemy?

None other than Jaune Arc!

That's right, the very same Jaune Arc who you, a discerning reader, may recall leading the charge among his peers during this year's initiation test. When Beacon needed him most, he answered the call not with a soft acquiescence, but a resounding roar of triumph! One might begin to wonder what the rest of us, as hunters, are doing wrong to be so thoroughly upstaged by a first year, but only if one were to forget that Jaune is an Arc. Yes, you read that right – he is the latest descendant of the Arcs, Remnant's most heroic lineage of champions. With his golden hair and his lemony yellow aura, this citron champion has already secured a place in the history books, as well as one in the hearts of this rabbit Faunus as a trusted ally and dear friend.

Now, on to the action! The attack began on Monday afternoon, with a small army of Grimm laying siege to Beacon Academy after breaching the school walls. It is unknown how these Grimm passed the kingdoms defenses; all of them were killed by Jaune and could not be reached for comment. Their exact numbers are also unknown, but witnesses report that precisely 100% of them were slain by our noble protagonist, Jaune Arc. To quote Sky Lark, a victim of the attack, "Get that camera out of my face, you ugly Faunus freak."

Instantly detecting the Grimm using his superhuman senses, Jaune wasted no time in engaging their forces with but a ragtag band of courageous huntsmen and huntresses as his backup. It is said that Ruby Rose, a child prodigy and the youngest huntress to ever attend Beacon, was among this crew, as was Professor Peter Port, a renowned veteran of over one hundred and thirty-five active combat missions. Both deferred to Jaune's tactical supremacy and overwhelming physiological capability, electing instead to stay back, control the crowds, and offer occasional words of moral support. Both are also rumored to have been regularly bedded by Jaune; such reports have yet to be confirmed.

Jaune's own teammate, Lie Ren, was frozen in fear of the vast waves of Grimm and the brutality of their assault, but he was able to recount several critical details regarding the battle.

First and foremost, it can be concluded from his testimony that there were multiple (approximately 150, rounding up) Megoliaths involved in the attack. Mister Lie specifically made note of how their sharpened tusks wrought havoc upon our poor school.

Second, Jaune Arc carried no arms during the entire altercation. Mister Ren reports that his illustrious leader claimed "The spirit of the hunt shall be my armor, and righteousness my noble sword." Numerous independently confirmed reports have verified that Jaune bludgeoned several Grimm to death with the corpses of their fallen.

Third, Jaune was said to be so relaxed and at ease during the fight that he took out his scroll and even began to play mobile games on it. It is perhaps worth pointing out that Jaune was fending off one of the Grimm with his bare hands at the time. "He just reached down and grabbed his scroll out of his pocket," recalls Mister Lie, struggling to stave off a PTSD-induced breakdown. Medical services and stress counseling have been contacted on Mister Lie's behalf.

Fourth, Jaune was able to defeat the Grimm by gouging out the eyes of their Alpha Megoliath, controlling its mind with the sheer force of his exaggerated huntsman swagger, and manipulating it into willfully allowing itself to be captured. A masterful feat, given how there have been no successful attempts to capture Grimm in history before this week. Presumably, he took it alive so that he may subjugate it and unlock the secrets of domestication, for no steed can suit our hero but the massive Megoliath.

Fifth, Jaune Arc was undamaged by the fight, and his aura was still full at the conclusion of the Grimm invasion. Will we ever see the legendary lemony yellow aura, described only in fables? Only if a foe worthy of our champion's might can be put forth, so most likely not, as no such foe exists.

Finally, and most importantly, while he himself was unharmed, Jaune's school uniform was torn off in the fight. Our reporters were unable to photographically document this event, but you can check out some artistic depictions of it on my DeviatedArt (link below). To access the drawings of Jaune, simply visit my portfolio and filter by NSFW. If you are browsing the images with a partner and find yourselves both in heightened states of arousal, please note that the Beacon Nurse's Office provides contraceptives to students free of charge.

After the battle, unconfirmed reports suggest that Professor Port surrendered his blunder-axe to Jaune and let him teach the class in recognition of his astounding achievement, proudly acknowledging that there was a new professor in charge of the classroom. Only time will tell if our hero pushes further and claims the rank of headmaster. Perhaps even the Valean monarchy shall be re-established with a new head of state atop the kingdom. Jaune himself could not be reached for comment on the subject, as he attempted to wring my neck when I spoke to him.

"And I'd do it again," Jaune proudly declared as he reduced the newspaper to shreds.

"I dunno. It was at least well written," said Amber, browsing the digital copy.

"You're on the DeviatedArt, aren't you?"

"Say whaaaaaaat? No, I'd never."

"Really?" Jaune asked skeptically.

"Of course not. It's behind a paywall, and you didn't set your credit card number to auto-fill."

Jaune sighed. Try as he may to be upset with Velvet, he was angrier at himself over how poorly he'd handled the entire thing. Yes, he'd slain the monster and saved the maiden, but the monster was only a problem because he'd stupidly ignored Amber's warnings, and the maiden was still trapped in her metaphorical tower directly because Jaune had trapped her there. This was less of an accomplishment and more of a successful attempt to stave off the negative consequences of his actions before they invariably caught up with him.

This weekend, I have to go out and get my aura unlocked. No more excuses. And then, I'll look into freeing Amber.

The second objective seemed more important, but Jaune got the vibe that he wouldn't remain alive long enough to see it through if he didn't complete the first.

Two days later, Professor Goodwitch led them on an expedition into the Forest of Forever Fall.

"Nice place," Jaune said through his visor.

Perry grunted in response, but Nora was zooming around like a racecar, eagerly slamming her face headfirst into the trees to test them for sap. Surprisingly (or not, depending on how you viewed it), the trees broke before the Nora did. Jaune himself was clad in his full suit of armor, fearful of taking the risk after the recent hog incident.

"As an appreciator of nature in all its finery, I must concur with Jaune," said Ren. "The magnificent splendor of this gentle landscape, untainted by hand or foot of man, communicates unspoken volumes of mirth and soulfulness to my inner–"

"A TREE! IT'S SO PRETTY!"

"That it is, Nora, that it indeed is."

Their goal was to wander out into the forest, collect a jar of tree sap each, and come back within the hour. It had to be the weirdest assignment that Beacon had given them yet, and that was saying something. As he wandered, Jaune's mind wandered, pondering just what they were trying to teach him here.

Even fighting the Boarbatusk taught me something. As much as I hated trial by Baconator Supreme, that one's on me. Any student with aura would've just reached over and snapped the Grimm's tusk off with their mega-strength. I can't rightfully blame the teacher for siccing a Grimm on me. As far as he knew, I wouldn't have instantly died from a single hit, and he could've just stepped in if things started to look bleak.

Jaune certainly had learned quite a bit from that heart-pounding lecture. He'd learned that outthinking his opponents was far more likely to succeed than trying to overpower them, and he'd also discovered that outthinking might have been one of his strengths.

Still, in comparison, being ditched in some woods with just a jar and instructions on when to get picked up felt less like a lesson and more like the hunter academy equivalent of a teacher feeling lazy and playing a cartoon for the class.

"MRRUUUAURRR!"

Jaune's head snapped up to sweep the landscape of Forever Fall. "Was that an Ursa? We need to –"

"I got it," said Ren.

StormFlower aimed and fired, and the Ursa fell like a sack of potatoes.

"W-Wow," said Jaune. "That was easy." He stroked his chin. "Huh. I really ought to get me a gun."

Well, without any Grimm to worry about, Jaune was free to focus his full attention on what was truly important: Professor Goodwitch's meaningless fetch quest.

Maybe this sap will level me up if I eat it. Or maybe it'll unlock my aura.

Jaune stuck his tongue in one of the jars his team had filled up.

"Auughhhkkkk! Pttteh, Pttttoey!"

Or maybe it will taste like wood chips filtered through rusty garbage.

"Wait a second, did you just lick that?" asked Nora. "Dude, that was the jar I was eating from!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll–"

"No, you don't understand," Nora said, waving her hands frantically in front of her. "I'm Mistrilian, so that means that was an indirect kiss! You've ruined me for marriage!"

"I didn't mean t–"

Nora opened her mouth and screamed at the top of her lungs. "HEY EVERYONE! JAUNE JUST TOOK MY MOUTH VIRGINITY!"

The entire forest fell silent.

"I hope you're happy," said Nora, wiping her lips. "You pig."

An explosion sounded in the distance. "He was supposed to be saving himself for Ruby!"

Oh crap, that was Yang!

"Wait, WHAT?"

Double crap, that was Weiss!

Why did Ren have to shoot that Ursa? It might've been a brutal killing machine with no soul and a general disregard for human life, but he'd have much preferred dying by its hand than sticking around in life and having to deal with the two extremely offended huntresses who were probably converging on his location.

A cold metal object pressed against the back of his head.

"R-Ren? Is that you?"

"Always has been."

tl;dr hogwash

Omake

"Professor Goodwitch?" asked Ruby, as she handed the woman in question a jar full of sap, the both of the back in the safety of Beacon. "What exactly is this stuff for? I know you said it was for Professor Peach's plant studies, but I don't know what that has to do with huntsmen and hun–"

"Never you mind that, Miss Rose," said Goodwitch, as she accepted the sap from her overly curious charge. "Now, run along. Off with you."

Ruby sped away, leaving Goodwitch alone with her thoughts and a whole classroom's full of sap bottles, all loaded onto a trolley. Pushing them through the halls, she remained silent until arriving in the primary teacher's lounge of Beacon Academy.

Ozpin immediately brightened upon seeing her pass through the doors. "Ah, Glynda. Was the field trip a…"

He waited until the doors were securely shut, and then his tone immediately changed.

"Do you have the stuff?"

Goodwitch pulled the tarp off the trolley. When she spoke, it was impossible for her to keep the sheer childlike glee out of her voice. "Enough to last us an entire year!"

"Quickly, hand me a bottle!"

She grabbed two, one for her headmaster and one for herself. Ozpin greedily stole both from her hands and set about unscrewing the cap with shaky hands. Goodwitch sighed disappointedly at the behavior of her boss, but he was too distracted to notice. Pouring three thin lines off tree sap onto a table, Ozpin snorted them all up in quick succession.

"Oh, yeah baby! That's it, that's what it's all about!"

Goodwitch couldn't hear him, as she was currently busy with her own bottle. Ozpin's lines were far too unrefined for a cultured woman like her; it was little better than intaking the sap by eating it off the floor. She preferred the sophistication that a syringe offered, smiling as she drew up the plunger. Gambol Shroud's ribbon, which she'd confiscated from Miss Belladonna over a minor infraction, was used to secure her arm as she injected tree sap directly into her bloodstream.

"Come to momma…"

Bart, Oobleck, and Peach burst into the room. "We didn't miss it, did we?"

"EYYYY!" Ozpin snatched up three bottles and threw them out to his workforce. "Sap all around, on me!"

"Thank the Gods we thought of the idea to have the students collect this," said Oobleck, igniting his flamethrower's light underneath a spoon full of sap. "That way, if the police find out, they take the fall for production and distribution. That's where the real prison time is."

A one-man fighter ship smashed through the window. The cockpit shield popped off, and out stepped General James Ironwood of the Atlesian military.

"Hope I'm not late to the party."

"Dig in, mate."

James took the bottle, let out a pleased sigh, and downed the entire thing in on go. Then, he pressed the glass jar up to his forehead and crushed it like a tin can. Bloodied shards of glass stuck out of his forehead like pins in a cushion.

"HOO-RAH!"

Omake 2

Nora: I hope you're happy, you pig.

Hogwash the Boarbatusk: I'll have you know that stereotypes and racially charged language like that can have very real effects on people, Miss Valkyrie. Be better.

Next Chapter: I'm From The East Side of Vale

In which Jaune Arc is taken under the wing of a huntsman and offered a hoagie date.

Author's Notes

Jaune dukes it out with a literal pig and just barely survives by the skin of his teeth, but the real victor is the rabbit.

When writing Velvet, I went for Rita Skeeter but madly enamored with the MC instead of besmirching them. I'm rather pleased with the way she turned out. As you may imagine, this won't be her last appearance, and certainly it isn't her last article.

When someone has a gun, the mega Ursa from Forever Fall suddenly ain't so mega.

Happy rats, and don't do crime!