Before they left the following morning, Iroh decided to ask some questions. He couldn't help himself. "What did you think of what the Avatar described last night?"
Zuko grunted as he rolled up his blankets. "He sounds insane. I'd better pay close attention to everything he says."
"Why do you say that?"
Zuko looked up at him. "I've been on a boat with you for the past 3 years. I know better than to ignore a crazy old person." He looked down and finished packing. Iroh grinned.
Aang had raced ahead, rolling up his sleeping bag and running out the door with airbending-enhanced speed, leaving them a couple minutes behind. Iroh stopped to appreciate the warmth of the sun on his face. In just a short time, he would be leaving it behind. Zuko went around him.
"Wider!"
Jeong Jeong's bark echoed over the water. Aang shuffled his legs outward. "Bend your knees. Now concentrate!"
"On what?"
"Concentrate!" Jeong Jeong paced back and forth disapprovingly. "How do you expect to learn if you do not know what you are doing?"
Iroh chuckled. "Still as harsh as ever, I see."
Jeong Jeong turned to him, raising an eyebrow. "Iroh. As kindly as ever, I see. You have more patience than I for foolishness."
"Maybe so." Iroh shrugged at his old friend.
Aang looked between them. "How did you guys -"
"Concentrate!"
Zuko stepped forward. "Hey!" Jeong Jeong lowered his eyebrows at him. Zuko stared back. "Whatever you're teaching the Avatar, teach me too."
Jeong Jeong shifted his eyes to Iroh. Iroh put his hands on Zuko's shoulders. "This is my nephew, Prince Zuko," Iroh said. "He has something of a temper, but you will be surprised by how patient he can be."
Jeong Jeong pointed to a stone that stuck up out of the water over to the side. "Get on that stone!" Zuko did so silently. "Assume the stance!" He did so silently. "Concentrate!" Zuko's eyebrow twitched. He lowered his eyes to the water silently.
"He complains less," Jeong Jeong observed. "That is an improvement." To his students, he barked, "Continue to concentrate!" And he walked away with Iroh.
"Unsupervised self-study?" Iroh stroked his beard. "I'm not sure about the efficacy of this teaching method."
"I will not be at their side in battle. Do you expect them to rely on others for self control all their life?" Jeong Jeong questioned.
"Young sprouts often require a guide pole to grow straight," Iroh said.
"All seeds sprout alone. That is the only way they can live."
Iroh smiled. Oh, it was good to have this kind of company again! "All fires draw their strength from logs. Without a secure base, they will die."
Jeong Jeong grumbled. "They are new. The Avatar claims he is ready, but how can a fish know its place in the river? I must see for myself."
Iroh smiled. "In the meantime, shall we have tea and a game of Pai Sho? We bought a set a few days ago. It is almost as good as the set I used to have."
"I would like that very much."
.
"He never answered my question," the Avatar said. "What am I supposed to concentrate on?"
"I don't know. Just find something," Zuko replied. He tried to do likewise. First, he tried to concentrate on the heat of the sun. The sun strengthened firebending, so it was the obvious thing to focus on. But the sun also awakened the fire spirit, making him sweat. Next, he tried to concentrate on the water. But thinking about the water reminded him of all the things it had done to him lately. No thanks.
What is the point of this? This isn't firebending training! He's probably playing Pai Sho and chatting about the war with Uncle while we squat on rocks like idiots. How long was he going to make them do this before he started the real training? If he was anything like Uncle… It could be hours. At least Uncle had me do things, even if they were the same simple things over and over. Jeong Jeong doesn't want to train us. He just wants us out of his hair!
With every thought, Zuko grew more and more impatient. Every sense was magnified. The Avatar's sighs were incredibly annoying. The waterbender's practicing made him bitter. He could swear they were looking at him and the Avatar squatting in silly poses and trying not to laugh. And even if he didn't concentrate on the sun, its heat made him overly warm. He could not hold the stance for much longer.
Zuko clenched his fists. I said I would accept the training, so I will. And I'm not going to let some twelve year old airhead beat me. The Avatar was still holding the stance, so Zuko kept doing so as well. He tried to concentrate on the Avatar. But he found himself hoping and hoping that the Avatar would give up, getting enraged that he didn't, and on the verge of storming off his rock. No! I have to beat him. I have to be more patient somehow.
Zuko closed his eyes and tried to think patient thoughts. It's all right. I can do this. Nothing's urgent. This is all for a reason. Yeah, right, as if I believe any of that. I can't lie to myself. There is no reason behind this! He just wants time to goof off and drink tea. He stifled the urge to rise to his feet and find Jeong Jeong just in time. No! That's not helping. I need to…
Concentrate. I need to concentrate. His eyes flew open. Was that the point of this?
Zuko took a deep breath and reached inside, thinking of a time when he had been patient. Sitting with Mom watching the turtleducks. He remembered it, over and over, remembered how he had felt, until he felt that way again. Sitting and watching the turtleducks with Mom. She held me close. It was warm. They looked funny, swimming around quacking at each other. Once it came, it came in a torrent. He was flooded with patience. He could relax in the sum's warmth all day.
Relaxing was exactly what he did. His knees buckled. Zuko caught himself just before he fell down. No, I can't sit and relax. I have to maintain this stance. He struggled to get back into the stance. His legs couldn't hold the appropriate level of tension. Why am I struggling just to crouch now? The Avatar had better stop looking at me! He glared back at the boy and resumed the stance. Now his legs had no trouble holding him up, but he was no longer relaxed and patient. Wait a second. I have to make myself more patient in order to not go insane, but if I make myself too patient I can't hold the stance. Is that the point of this?
He tried again. The same thing happened - he tried so hard to access the memory that when he did, his knees loosened. He tried again, but just as he remembered what it was like to be perfectly satisfied he switched to another memory that was more aggravating. Result: all the effort he put into being patient was channeled into aggravation, making him feel ready to explode. Ow. Okay, so I need to have a lighter touch. Gah! Why is this so hard?! He had better not be looking at me!
He tried to approach the memory more gently, immersing himself in it slowly. Sometimes he got very annoyed at how much effort it was taking, and sometimes his knees wobbled. He nearly fell down again. He questioned the purpose of all this. What good was it to control how he felt? Why should he have to make himself more patient? He was fine the way he was.
But finally, he made an attempt to immerse himself in that memory slowly, gently. To his surprise, it worked. He felt about the same as he felt when Uncle asked him to sit and have tea. He felt like things were okay for now. Yes! I got it! Now I just need to hold this. In his current patient state, that idea did not annoy him. He was actually excited to see how long he could do it. His delight grew as he started to go too far, and his knees grew wobbly, but he stabilized himself by concentrating on the present and looking at the water. I can do this!
In no time, Iroh and Jeong Jeong appeared to check on them. Jeong Jeong gave them permission to stand. The Avatar leaped to his feet. "Finally! Are we going to learn how to use fire now?"
Zuko straightened slowly. He said nothing. I should keep this going. If I stop, I might have trouble starting again.
It was surprisingly easy to keep himself patient. He didn't have to concentrate as hard as he had at the start. Now that he had reached inside and established a stable grip, he just had to tighten or loosen his hold every so often. it was about as much work as remembering to hold onto an object in his hand. He had no objection at all to the long climb up the side of a cliff that Jeong Jeong led them on next.
The Avatar was different. "What are we going up here for?" he asked. "So we don't burn anything with our fire blasts?"
"No. You are not ready to handle fire yet."
"What?!"
Jeong Jeong ordered them to stand at the edge of the rock face. "Firebending draws its power from the breath. You must learn proper breath control. Assume the stance." They both assumed the stance. "Breathe in through the nose, and out through the mouth," Jeong Jeong instructed. They both did so. "Again." They did so again. "Now keep doing that."
"What?!" the Avatar yelped. Jeong Jeong looked at him sternly. The boy shut up and did his breathing exercise.
Huh. This almost makes it easier. Would I have gotten it quicker if he'd asked us to breathe like this before? Zuko decided not. With his breath distracting him, he might never have realized what he was really supposed to be concentrating on.
"Are you all right, Nephew?" Iroh asked.
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
Zuko breathed in and waited until he was exhaling before he answered. "I've got this, Uncle."
"That's a little unusual," Iroh murmured. But he stepped back, and when Jeong Jeong went back down the hill Iroh went with him. Zuko was left alone with the Avatar.
They breathed for a while. It felt weird to do nothing but breathe and yet be satisfied. He wasn't even putting effort into making himself patient anymore, yet was not impatient. It felt very, very strange. Zuko cast around for something to put effort into. He felt a touch of impatience return, and remembered the turtleducks again. Perhaps he could try another memory? Sitting and drawing in the garden. Slowly, carefully, he transitioned to using that memory as a source of patience. His knees wobbled again, and then he got annoyed. But he grit his teeth and kept focusing, and successfully switched over without losing control. Drawing in the garden. I don't even remember what I was drawing. Something to show to Mom. His mother was a part of both memories. Perhaps he could try drawing from both?
"How are you doing this?" the Avatar asked. "This isn't like you."
"Shush," Zuko told him. The turtleducks. Drawing. Surprisingly, he was able to draw from both with no trouble at all. Doing so made his knees threaten to buckle, even though he was reaching as lightly as he had before. Using more than one source makes it stronger. Great. He struggled for a bit before achieving a stable grasp on both memories. Once he did so, it took even less effort and concentration to stay patient than it had before. He guessed that he had enough attention available to concentrate on something else.
He didn't have anything else to concentrate on, so he let his mind wander. Looks like the Avatar hasn't figured it out yet. The Avatar was crouching and breathing, but with an intensity that was out of place. Of course not. He's a kid. He hasn't learned self control yet. At least I knew about it, even if I'd never tried to control myself before. Again, he wondered why Jeong Jeong was teaching them this. This skill wasn't related to firebending. Was it? He tried to think of ways it could be, and couldn't come up with any. Maybe it's just a prerequisite for real training. I couldn't do this breathing exercise without it, and breathing is a part of firebending. That made sense.
He idly thought about Iroh's training, and dragons, and flying, and a million other things, all while keeping a firm hold inside himself. Eventually he thought about the watcher, and realized something. He was crouching high up on the edge of a cliff overlooking a low valley. Right now, he was in the watcher's place. What must it be like to be him? Zuko looked down at the valley and stayed very still.
Everything looked so small from up here. He could faintly see the waterbender and her brother sitting together taking a break, and it meant nothing. From this distance it was just a thing he saw. He did not see Jeong Jeong or Iroh. He saw the light glimmering on the water. It was nice to look at, but nothing more. Just like I thought! Even though he watches me, he never seemed like he was judging me. He isn't. He's just like the wind and the trees. Safe.
The sun dropped lower in the sky. Zuko realized he had spent the whole day this way. Really? Wow. I did it. He smiled. Everyone knew him to be impatient, impulsive. He had believed he couldn't be anything else. But he could. I did it. Look at me, being all patient. Uncle must be proud!
The first stars came out. He remembered seeing the watcher's eyes as stars in a dream recently. He watched them and thought about that dream. He remembered only what he had described to Iroh: water appearing, men he was watching over drowning. Where did the water come from? The sky behind the stars was turning bluish, like water.
As the light started to fall and become shades of blue, the Avatar groaned. He fell out of position, kneeling on the rock. "It's been hours!" He stood and walked back down the path.
Yes! He'd done it! The Avatar must have been trying to match him this whole time, but he had failed. He'd given up. Zuko was officially better than a monk at being patient. He remembered his happiness while drawing and watching the turtleducks. Had it felt wrong to be satisfied for once? It wasn't. It wasn't wrong to make himself patient like this at all.
As the sun set in the distance, Jeong Jeong came up the path. He watched Zuko breathe and crouch. Finally, he said, "You may rise. Today's training is over."
Zuko rose. I should stop, then. He stretched his legs, concentrating on releasing his hold over himself as he did so. He felt it clearly when he did, like a clamp opening. Something began flowing again. Huh. I didn't know that there was a flow.
Something doesn't feel right. He heard the dirt crunching beneath his feet, felt every step. Each step seemed to put him off balance. He was hot, feverish. Something was wrong. Very wrong.
He stopped. The master stopped too and looked at him. "I don't feel so good," he mumbled, and collapsed.
.
Zuko woke up dazed. His heartbeat seemed to hurt. A bird outside sang, and its shrill notes pierced his ears like needles. He threw himself upright. "Aagh!" Thankfully the bird stopped singing. But now, he could feel how dizzy he was, and he hated it. He clenched his fists.
"Did you sleep well, Nephew?" Iroh asked.
"Shut up!" Zuko snapped. Something about the question infuriated him. How banal it was, how trivial, how unrelated to his actual behavior. How could Iroh ask it? The disrespect that showed! Doesn't he allegedly care about me?!
Iroh leaned back. "Someone's touchy today."
"You think?" Zuko asked. Of course I'm touchy. I don't feel good. People aren't supposed to be paragons of patience when they're sick! Did he even notice me passing out on the side of a cliff? Or was he already asleep? Probably asleep!
Iroh put on a smile. "The Avatar is mad at you today."
"I don't care." Zuko forced himself to his feet, intending to stomp out the door and down to the lake for his second day of training. But the world tilted and he was wracked by shivers. It was a struggle to stay upright, and suddenly his hands were shaking. He felt like crying. He was sick, and it was overwhelming, and he could not possibly endure this for a single more second. Aaaaggghh! I can't take this!
Iroh grabbed his shoulder, stabilizing him. "Zuko? Are you alright?"
I need to… I need to… Get out of here! Zuko shrugged him off and stormed out the door. The worst of it had abated. He would feel better outside.
Zuko was wrong. As soon as he stepped foot outside, he heard birds singing. Again. Shut up! The sun beat on his face, and a faint breeze rustled in the branches, and he didn't want to deal with it. Just didn't want to deal with it. He shook with the effort of not burning down absolutely everything.
"We will work with fire now," Jeong Jeong announced.
"Finally," Zuko snarled. "Why did you tell us we were going to be doing firebending training yesterday? I figured it out. You weren't really training us to firebend. You were training us on self control. How could you lie like that?!"
Jeong Jeong raised an eyebrow. "Self control is important, Nephew," Iroh tried to say.
Zuko roared fire. "SHUT UP, Uncle!" I am so sick of his platitudes! Aaaggghh! The fire spirit exploded. There was no fire around, so it only gave him an instant fever. Zuko felt off balance again. He panted and shook his head, trying to get his mind back in order. Everything feels terrible today and I hate all of it.
Iroh held him up again. "My nephew is not feeling well today," he explained.
"I see," Jeong Jeong said. "It is like the shattering of a reflection on the water. Only then can the true substance be seen." He turned to Zuko and threw out his right arm, pointing straight at the rock. "Sit."
Zuko sat. While he did so, he understood what the master was saying. He thinks I was putting on a show yesterday. I was. He tried to reach inside and make himself patient again. It had felt so wonderful yesterday. He hadn't been overwhelmed or irritated the whole day long. He wanted to feel like that again.
A painful twinge was the result. It wasn't like the twinge of a pulled muscle. It was like he had a string inside him, and someone plucked that string harshly, sending disturbance and discord running up and down through his entire body. Zuko knew immediately that he had just done something wrong. No more trying to be patient.
"I'm not so sure he should be -"
"Uncle." Zuko took a deep breath. He was barely holding it together. If Iroh tried to make him stop training, lose to the Avatar, he would fight it and bad things would happen. Very bad things.
Iroh backed away. Jeong Jeong plucked two leaves from the air as they drifted past him. Wisps of smoke rose from where he held each, in their very centers. He passed these leaves to his students. "Concentrate. I want you to keep the fire from reaching the edges of the leaf for as long as you can."
Zuko's leaf exploded into a ball of flame immediately. He growled and snatched another from the water. It started to burn, and he started to repress it. The fire went out entirely. He shook the leaf, saw that it was completely out, and restarted it. The leaf burned up. He felt like screaming.
"As I thought," Jeong Jeong said.
"No, this is unusual," Iroh said. "I swear he is normally better than this. It's just because he's ill."
Zuko burned another leaf to a crisp. The Avatar shook himself and looked away. "So I'm just going to sit here and hold this leaf?"
"No," Jeong Jeong said. "You will use the proper stance."
"What?! But he gets to sit!"
"That is his reward for mastering the stance yesterday, and a special consideration."
The Avatar got into the stance. Jeong Jeong nodded once, then turned and walked away with Iroh. Again.
Zuko shook with rage. I should be more patient. I have to be. But he couldn't. There was no patience in him to be found. The stupid bird started singing again, and it nearly overwhelmed him. He couldn't believe he was wasting his time on this. He wanted to be going to the North Pole. He wanted to be already at the North Pole. He wanted the water spirit to be gone already. He wanted it to have never existed. He wanted to be out of his skin, out of his life, away from everything because it was all much too much to handle. He wanted to start screaming.
I can't believe these three forced me into this. Making me into a comedian, forcing me to -
Twang. He felt the twinge again, scattering his thoughts. When it ended, he realized why it had happened. I was bringing up memories. I was making myself angrier. Ohhh. I shouldn't have done so much reaching inside yesterday. I broke something in there. I can't control myself at all today.
Which meant he couldn't try to remember happier times to make himself feel better. He was all alone, helpless and overwhelmed and he just had to put up with it for who knew how long. Maybe he wouldn't heal. Maybe it would be permanent. I couldn't live if it was permanent. That thought overwhelmed him by itself. He suppressed the urge to scream again, the time from fear. No! No. I'll get through this somehow.
He picked up another leaf and started it burning. It did not instantly explode, which was a success. But then the Avatar sighed, and he accidentally put the leaf out. Gah! It's just a leaf! He tried to restart it and started a fireball instead. He put that out in a hurry before the fire spirit could make it explode. This is torture!
Another leaf suffered the same fate. And another, and another. He used up all the leaves within reaching distance, and it was clear that he could use up an entire forest's worth of leaves and achieve the same results. He created a small candle flame on the tip of one finger and used that. He had some success in keeping it from exploding in his face. I can't believe I'm failing so badly at something so simple. Even the Avatar can do better. A two year old could do better. A baby in its mother's womb could probably do better! It doesn't matter how sick I am, I should be able to do this. He felt like scratching or clawing at himself. He bitterly hated his lack of ability. He remembered how he had failed at firebending practice as a child and felt the twinge again. Ugh. Was I really trying to reach inside just now? I didn't think I was. Why would I want to be angry at myself? The fact that he had no answer infuriated him.
He struggled on, trying to keep the little flame on the end of his finger from going out and himself from breaking down in tears. He was surprised at how often he felt the twinge. He thought about the Avatar. Twang. He thought about the water spirit. Twang. He thought about the bird. Twang. He thought about his uncle. Twang. He shivered. I didn't know I controlled myself that much. No wonder I got it so quickly.
The Avatar finally lost his patience. "This is ridiculous!" he exclaimed. "He's not teaching me firebending at all! He's just leaving me alone for hours, hoping for me to stay there so long I have to be carried down like Zuko was, and for what? If this is a test, it's not even testing our firebending abilities! There's no point!"
"I'm sure there is a point," Katara said. "Concentration is pretty important."
"I already know how to do that, though! He's just testing me on stuff I already know." The Avatar glared down at his leaf. "I don't have time to waste on things I already know." He assumed the stance. He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth. And the leaf burst into flame. He gasped, then held it up proudly. "I did it! I made fire!"
"Aang, you aren't supposed to be doing that much yet," Katara said.
"Hey, it's pretty easy!" The Avatar passed the fireball from hand to hand a couple times, until it doubled in size unexpectedly, whooshing up into his face. He stumbled back. "Woah!" He got it under control just in time to avoid falling into the lake. "Woah. Now that's firebending!" He raised his hand to perform a more advanced move.
His wrist was suddenly seized, hard enough to grind wrist bone against wrist bone. He yelped in pain. "Ow!" The fire went out. He stared up with confused fear in his eyes.
Zuko stared at him back, just as fiercely. Katara gasped. Sokka, further away, put down his fishing pole and reached for his sword. Katara's eyes narrowed, and her voice became venomous. "Zuko. What are you doing?"
Zuko couldn't believe the incompetence he had just seen. The Avatar was a firebending idiot! He was overcome by the urge to correct that. A very familiar voice told him that it was a bad idea. He shouldn't risk teaching the Avatar anything useful; what he should do was repress his anger, swallow it down and back away and keep his thoughts and feelings to himself. But without his patience, Zuko couldn't listen to voices like that. "Where did you learn how to be the Avatar?"
The Avatar tried to pull his wrist away and failed. "I didn't. I've been learning as I go along."
"You mean nobody taught you how to learn all the elements?" That's insane! Who in their right mind would leave someone to learn multiple elements without training? His teachers were morons! Even I know better!
The Avatar blinked away his tears. "Why do you say that? Is there a trick to learning all of them?"
"Yes," Zuko said. He flung the Avatar's wrist back in his face. The boy cradled it carefully. "Do you have any idea what you just did?"
"I firebended…?"
I can't believe this! He learned nothing! "Every element has something unique about it," Zuko snapped. "Something that belongs to it and no other element. That special thing gives the element its identity. That thing is sacred. When you learn a new element, the first thing you do is respect that trait. If you don't respect it, you've just insulted the element's whole identity."
He jabbed a finger into the Avatar's chest. "The unique thing about fire is that it can change its size. No other element does that. Do you remember what happened when we were leaving Zhao's place, right as we crossed the last wall?"
"There was an explosion," the Avatar answered.
"You say explosion, I say uncontrolled expansion." Zuko leaned down. "You almost blew us all up because you have no respect for fire! Do you think fire is like a pet? That it's harmless and cute? You could have burned your girlfriend's hands off!"
The Avatar gasped. Zuko shook with anger. The lack of respect! He thinks firebending is a joke! Firebending was not a joke. He would show the Avatar every detail of it, every intricacy, everything fire could do until the kid understood that fire was never to be disrespected, ever. The Fire Nation was proud and strong, and so were dragons, and so was fire, and so was he. Disrespecting fire in general meant disrespecting Zuko. He gave the Avatar his sternest glare and returned to his rock to let the boy stew.
A leaf fluttered through the air in front of him. He caught it and set fire to its middle. Sitting down, he held it in the palm of his hand. The fire spread outward and he clenched his fingers to repress it. The fire did not go out completely, nor burst into flame. Satisfying his urge to lecture the Avatar had relieved some pressure...for now.
Everybody else was stunned, the Avatar especially so. Had Zuko just taught him something? The Avatar looked at Katara. If he had burned her just because he wanted to show off, he would never forgive himself.
So he would never risk burning her again. And Zuko had just told him exactly how to practice, exactly where to start. The Avatar held his hands up in front of his face with his palms facing each other, and created a fireball between them. He breathed in and spread his palms wider, enlarging the fireball. He breathed out and pushed them closer together, trying to squeeze the fireball down to its previous size. It took a couple tries, but he made it smaller. He repeated this, making the fireball larger and smaller with every breath.
Deep in the forest, concealed by bushes and low-growing trees, two sets of eyes watched the party resume their practicing. One of those pairs of eyes narrowed. "Hmph. Your nephew isn't a bad teacher, Iroh."
Iroh was still trying to wrap his head around that. "I had no idea he had such an understanding of fire. Or all the elements, for that matter." They hadn't gone far before hearing the Avatar's raised voice. Jeong Jeong had immediately returned, but not to interrupt. No; he was more interested in seeing what would happen. They had heard everything. Zuko was no mumbler.
"You were right." Jeong Jeong watched Zuko study the leaf, and the Avatar practice with greater concentration and breath control than he ever had before. He was already getting the hang of shrinking a fireball. "I am surprised."