A/N: Towards the end of season two, Zuko reached a crisis point where he had to decide what to do with his life. Because of this, he said, "I don't feel right," then collapsed and spent the next few days with a fever. Iroh knew exactly why he was ill and explained it to him. Psychogenic illness is clearly a common thing in the Avatar world.
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"You were right. I am surprised." Iroh's eyes widened. Jeong Jeong's tone made it clear that he did not mean that in a good way.
He stood, and Iroh knew in a flash that his old friend was about to make a terrible mistake. He clapped a hand on Jeong Jeong's shoulder, the same as he did for Zuko. "Stop. Don't try to lecture him. He is not ready to hear it."
Jeong Jeong shrugged him off. "The boy is a fool passing as wise. He insults true wisdom."
"No." Iroh shook his head. "He's learning. He won't learn any faster if you talk to him now. Look." They watched Zuko try to keep the leaf from burning. He was very tense, visibly on the edge of exploding. Suddenly and for no obvious reason, the leaf became a fireball, which Zuko extinguished with a fiery snarl. "He is not ready," Iroh repeated. "Go easy on him. You can lecture him when he's feeling better."
"He is not like you, Iroh," Jeong Jeong said. "He is not a peaceful lake pierced by jagged rocks. He is a raging river that occasionally pools. This is his true worth. I will make allowances for fever, but not for impatience."
"No," Iroh argued. "He is not usually like this. It's true, he can be impatient. But impatient enough to teach the Avatar? Something must be really wrong if he's willing to do that."
Jeong Jeong paused. Iroh had told him all about the past several years. He knew what the Avatar meant to Zuko. He knew Iroh was right. Teaching the young monk was a sign of serious abnormality.
They watched Zuko. He had gone back to using a flame on the end of one finger. He was flushed and breathing hard. As they watched, the flame went wild. He put it out, his face contorted in a look of great pain. It was as if this calm exercise chosen for its harmlessness was hurting him.
"What happened last night?" Iroh asked. "You said he collapsed on the path. Did he say or do anything else?"
"He said he didn't feel so good just before he collapsed," Jeong Jeong reported. "And his footsteps sounded unusual to me. Off balance, dragging. But that was less than a half minute before he collapsed. Just a minute before, he was healthy."
They stood together in silence, trying to answer the same question. What kind of sickness struck so suddenly, with no warning, causing such widespread and severe symptoms? The only illnesses Iroh knew of that struck so quickly were the kind caused by the mind, but Zuko had not had any reason to be upset. Dizziness, fever, and difficulty controlling his firebending could be symptoms of something very severe, but there would have been some warning if he was getting that bad. And then there was the unusual behavior. That could not be accounted for by any illness Iroh knew of.
"As fugitives, you cannot access medical facilities," Jeong Jeong murmured. "The waterbender may be the only doctor you have, if she has that power."
"Let's wait and see," Iroh said. "It came suddenly. It might go just as suddenly. If he's still this bad tonight, we need to find a doctor." Of course he was worried. But that didn't make the things he said any less true. Iroh decided to believe that it would get better on its own.
He and Jeong Jeong left the students to their practice. There was nothing more that needed observing. "It was good teaching," Jeong Jeong admitted. "Fire runs out of control too easily. Size is the heart of the problem. He sees to the heart of fire. Not many do."
"If his insights about the other elements are just as accurate, he would be the best teacher for the Avatar," Iroh said. "But he refuses to teach anything when he's not deathly ill. Such a waste of potential…"
"I would like to hear how he justifies himself," Jeong Jeong added. "He claims to be able to teach the boy how to be the Avatar. Such hubris! A lizard pretending its horns make it a dragon."
Iroh stroked his beard. It was a very strange claim for Zuko to have made. Masters who taught or were taught by Avatars did not know anything about being Avatar. Scholars did not know, nor sages. Nobody did, except the Avatar. Zuko must be really out of it to start claiming the impossible. That part of his lecture was the fever talking.
"How long do you want to give them?" Iroh asked.
"Half an hour. The Avatar was making good progress." Was that jealousy Iroh heard in his voice?
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Zuko fought to stop shivering. The water spirit and fire spirit were taking turns playing with his thermostat. By now, that was the only physical symptom remaining. His hands had stopped shaking and he no longer felt dizzy. But the way the Avatar was getting so good while he was falling farther and farther behind the average toddler drove him insane. Every time he looked, his fire exploded. The only reason Zuko didn't stop his futile practice was because that would have been admitting defeat. He would admit to nothing.
After staying at Katara's side the day before, Momo was starting to miss his favorite person. He sat in front of the Avatar, ears raised. Zuko gritted his teeth. Maybe Momo could restore his lost patience. But the stupid jerkwad spirits changed his temperature again, and his fire exploded. That would be a bad idea. I'm even losing to the Avatar in how well we get along with animals?! No! Zuko tried to shrink his out of control fire, as the Avatar was doing. But he could not shrink it. He could only put it out. The Avatar was officially better at firebending than he was. Aaaggghhh! The fire spirit exploded.
"Woah!" the Avatar cried out, stumbling backward. "It almost burned me!"
"Firebenders can't burn themselves," Katara remembered.
"But I nearly did."
Oh no. No. Not now that the Avatar's using fire! Firebenders can't burn themselves, but we can burn each other. She's going to realize it's the fire spirit, and blame me for trying to make the Avatar unable to practice, and then I'll be doomed! Zuko shivered from something other than cold. Thankfully the fire spirit subsided.
The Avatar resumed practicing with greater determination. Zuko's fists tightened. When it wasn't endangering his life and goals, it was making him fall behind the Avatar. That's it. The water spirit may not belong, but at least it's been kind enough to stay out of sight. You are officially the worst thing in the world. I look forward to getting rid of you too. The fire spirit turned sharp and hot, burning his insides, making his breath hitch. Of course. Whenever it had the slightest complaint, it took it out on him. It was like the fire spirit knew no other way except to hurt people. Zuko fantasized about getting rid of it once and for all while he watched the little flame on the end of his finger grow and shrink seemingly at random.
After an eternity, just when Zuko was beginning to despair that he should give up his useless attempt at training because what good was it anyway, Jeong Jeong appeared. Finally! Zuko leaped to his feet. He wanted to be doing something, anything else now and that had better be the news the master was bringing. "What are we doing now?" he snapped.
The master did not answer immediately, which made Zuko clench his fists and shake from the effort of not throwing fire. He realized that the past week of traveling with the Avatar was the longest he had ever gone without firebending. He shook even more from the sudden urge to burn everything he could reach just to know he still could, and to prevent himself from spontaneously combusting. The fire in his belly felt ready to choke him.
Iroh and Jeong Jeong saw this. Iroh made his most serious face and nodded to Jeong Jeong. The master bowed his head. "You will take a break now. Fifteen minutes."
Zuko's head emptied. Everything else fell out, slipping from his grasp as if he had been smashed open. All that was left was the need for relief. He felt horrible inside. It had to stop. No other consideration mattered. Without noticing or remembering, he leaped off the stone onto the bank and ran. He ran past the Avatar's friends, past where the river emptied into the lake, and turned upstream. Only one thing had ever made him feel better inside. He ran to the water.
Upstream, he found a rock jutting out of the river. He leaped onto it and slid down into the water on its upstream side. The rock kept him from being swept away. He dipped his head into the water, then sat back and closed his eyes.
The cool feeling that the water spirit created spread. He shivered as it spread out from his belly and reached his shoulders. It spread into his arms and legs, into his head, and he no longer felt ready to combust. He had no wish to move. It was as if he was entirely submerged, floating in the river.
As if he was floating, he felt the water push and pull. Not on his body; on his insides, the same insides he had damaged. The water spirit pushed and pulled, pressing and releasing, like an expert masseuse. Zuko gasped. Something released, a knot of tension or a small blockage in the flow. The bad feeling he had withstood for the entire morning vanished. Nothing was wrong now. He was finally right inside.
The water spirit didn't stop. It continued to gently massage his spirit. And Zuko let it, because it felt so good. All his problems lost their hold on him. He felt strong and happy. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt like this.
Time drifted alongside him in the river, weightless, meaningless. He had no sense of whether it had been a long or a short time when he heard Jeong Jeong's voice. "Your break is over."
The water spirit retreated, slowly, gradually, as if he were floating up to the surface of the river. Zuko opened his eyes. Sparkles of light danced off the water and into his eyes, making him squint. But he was stronger now. That minor nuisance was not enough to overwhelm him. He shook his head, sat up, and climbed out of the water onto the rock. He landed at Jeong Jeong's side.
The master stood silently, watching him. He must be wondering if I'm going to snap at him again. Zuko blushed. He turned to Jeong Jeong and bowed his head. "I'm sorry for my rudeness earlier."
His head remained bowed until Jeong Jeong said, "Apology accepted." Then Zuko straightened, nodded, and made his way back to camp. Maybe I didn't need to go that far. That's the kind of apology I would give someone at court back home. But I have no idea how he didn't yell at me at least once. Uncle must have held him back. How many times has Uncle saved me from consequences…
When he returned to the lake and saw the Avatar stretching, he remembered what else he had done while not in his right mind. I taught the Avatar. His stomach plummeted. His legs felt weak. I...really am a traitor. I sped up his training instead of slowing it down. My country could be defeated in war because of me. His cheeks were hot with shame. What have I done?
He walked past the Avatar in silence and waited for Jeong Jeong in front of his hut. The master appeared shortly. "Come." He led his two students to the side of the camp, against the wall of a hut. Iroh was already there, standing next to a barrel topped with patches of loosely woven sackcloth, two nails, and a hammer. Jeong Jeong picked up the tools and began to nail the patches to the sides of two trees.
While he did so, Zuko approached his uncle. "Sorry for yelling at you when I woke up," he said. And for making traitors out of both of us, ensuring that we'll be shamed for the rest of our lives. He remembered how he had felt, the lack of all ability to think clearly. That only made it worse. I will never try to control myself ever again.
Iroh looked very startled as he accepted the apology. Zuko tried to look nonchalant. Yes, he was suddenly better. So what? He certainly wasn't going to explain how he had gotten better. Honestly, he was confused by it himself. Why did the water spirit help him when all he wanted was to get rid of it? Asking this question made him feel bad, in a very tense and disturbing way. He almost wished the water spirit had not helped. Almost.
"You will now practice setting and controlling a fire," Jeong Jeong said. "The fibers in this sackcloth are easily visible. You will burn one fiber at a time, from end to end. You will not allow the fire to burn anything else." He moved some distance away, then pointed at the trees. "Start!"
Zuko and the Avatar dutifully walked up to their pieces of cloth. "What is the point of this?" the Avatar asked. "Burning bits of cloth isn't going to help me defeat the Firelord. This is pointless!"
The tables were turned. A new chance at success was given, and this time it was the Avatar who was losing his patience. A smile flickered on Zuko's face. "You're just saying that because you can't do it."
The Avatar jumped. "I can do it!" He lit a strand on the edge of his cloth and stared at it with a comically intense level of concentration.
Zuko eyed his cloth. It was his chance at redemption. He would not fail. I know I promised not to, but… He concentrated on his new feeling of strength, stoking it. Perfect. He felt invincible. He set fire to a strand in the middle of the cloth, where he would have to repress it from both sides, and raised both hands on either side of it.
Trying to keep the fire moving along the length of the thread while also repressing it on both sides and weaving it up and down was easier said than done. Zuko realized quickly that he should divide those tasks. He breathed in through his nose and repressed the fire, then breathed out through his mouth and urged it forward. The first few breaths were a struggle. When he pushed the fire forward, it spread. When he repressed it from both sides, it nearly went out. His breaths didn't feel quite right, either. He had to change something or he wasn't going to make progress.
Wait a second… Zuko shuffled his feet outward and leaned his torso forward. Immediately his breathing felt better. He exhaled, urging his flame upward along the thread. Instead of doing it evenly, he moved one hand in front of the other, pushing the fire to one side. He quickly raised his other hand, pushing it to the other side. Whichever hand was behind moved the fire over or under. The fire never spread out of control when he alternated his hands. When he breathed in, he tried pushing it back down toward the part that had already burned instead of stopping it completely. Fire could not stop without going out. In order to keep it moving, he had to concentrate ferociously, never letting himself stop pushing it. Concentration, breath, repression, even this weird stance… This exercise is a combination of everything he's taught us before! Zuko finally realized the purpose of each and every one of Master Jeong Jeong's lessons.
Meanwhile, the Avatar struggled. He tried alternating repressing and urging his flame like Zuko was doing, but he only managed to alternate losing control and nearly putting his fire out. Every time he encountered a problem, he stopped breathing the way he had been taught. He shifted from stance to stance, never settling on one. Often, he glanced up at Zuko and saw that he was falling further and further behind, which made him try to push the fire harder. He accidentally put it out several times. Spots of the cloth became blackened where the fire spread out of control. Why was it so hard for him to master this exercise? He'd never struggled before. He tried and tried, concentrating and pushing and doing his best to breathe, but couldn't catch up. The burning glow kept wavering back and forth, just like his hands did as he tried to hold it steady, just like his mind did as he wondered why they were doing this stupid exercise. His fire always wanted to grow bigger and consume the whole cloth. Wasn't that a good thing? More powerful firebending meant bigger firebending. Why was he wasting his time repressing it? When would he ever need to be millimeter-precise?
Zuko breathed out and urged the fire upward. He allowed himself to smile in celebration as it burned the end of the thread. I can do this! He started on another fiber of the cloth, exhaling and urging the fire upward. He did not notice how he urged the fire forward with his eyes. He did not notice how his inner grip pushed the fire spirit. The fire on the cloth began to glow more constantly.
Iroh and Jeong Jeong watched. "What happened?" Iroh whispered.
"He sat in the river," Jeong Jeong replied.
"And just like that, he was cured?"
"Yes."
Zuko finished the second fiber in no time at all. He started on a third. Jeong Jeong nodded in approval. "He has learned well," he said. Was that pride Iroh heard in his voice?
