AN: These are the beginnings of the flashbacks from Book III: Saudade. Unlike the flashbacks from Book II: The Return, these are far more serious in nature as Jon and Shawn unpack what led to their estrangement.

In Saudade, Shawn and Audrey have gone back to the motel where Virna stay after her year long absence to talk through Shawn's issues surrounding mothers. He recalls the following two incidents.

It was Cory who was sent to talk to Virna. He was the only one she would listen to.

Not her son.

No, she wouldn't listen to her son, only her son's best friend.

Few things were more devastating than a mother who didn't even want to see the son she'd been away from for a year. The one who sent letters every day that that said, "I love you" then refused to see him. Nothing was more devastating than knowing he was the reason she left.

But still he loved her and worried about her…

"Cory, tell me what the room looks like? Is it clean? Is it safe? Would you want your mom stayin' there?"

The Trailer View Motel was in an area Shawn wasn't familiar with. He had never had a reason to cross the Boulevard and visit "that" side of it. Now he was frantic that his mother was staying somewhere she could run into a dangerous situation without him.

"I dunno, Shawn," Cory shrugged, rubbing the back of his head. "It's a motel room like any other motel room. I guess it's safe. The only dangerous thing I saw was that highway I have to cross to get over there."

"Tell me, Cory," Shawn grabbed his best friend by the shirt front. "Tell me what the room looks like! I wanna know every detail."

Cory told him and he memorized every detail until he could see it in his dreams.

When the last letter came, it was more devastating than her departure and return.

You aren't mine.

I don't want you.

You mean nothing to me.

I never loved you.

That may not have been what her last letter said, but it was what he heard.

From that moment on, Shawn was obsessed with finding his biological mother, his real mother. He was relentless in his pursuit and his friends rallied around him in the beginning, eager to help him put back some of the pieces of his shattered heart.

When it became clear the search was going to be long and difficult, they faded back and resumed their lives.

Except for Cory.

It was Cory who listened to late night conspiracy theories around his mother's identity.

It was Cory who consoled him every time a barely related bit of information led to more disappointment and heartache.

It was Cory who found her.

Cory was waiting for him at the apartment he shared with Jack and Eric when he came back from his last failed attempt to find information on his biological mother. He watched as his best friend paced the living room in frustration.

"Nothin' huh?" he asked quietly, knowing the answer.

"Why can't I find anything'?" Shawn stopped pacing long enough so that Cory could see the pain in his eyes. "Why is this so hard?"

Cory watched his face tighten into a distressed expression. He glanced away unable to watch Shawn's agony over having everything he believed to be true upended once again.

It wasn't fair. Nothing that had happened to him in regard to Virna and Chet was fair. Shawn deserved better than this. He deserved closure. He deserved parents who loved and wanted him.

Like he had.

Now with Chet and Virna gone for good, he wanted nothing more than to turn his best friend's world upside down one last time and tell him everything he knew about Jon and what had happened since the accident. But he could tell by the way Shawn talked to himself he wasn't in a place to hear him out.

He sighed and took a step toward his friend.

"Why does everythin' turn out this way!?" Shawn shouted at the ceiling. "Why doesn't anyone want me?"

Cory watched him with growing sympathy. "Shawn…"

"No, Cory!" He turned and jabbed a finger at him. "I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna hear I'm a such a great guy and it's them not me. It is me! It has to be! I'm the only common denominator here!"

Cory pressed his lips together tightly to prevent the "it's not you, it's them" from coming out of his mouth.

It was the truth, but Shawn couldn't handle the truth.

He suppressed a sigh. "Shawn..."

"You can't answer, can you?!"

He was yelling now. Cory waited until he was done then said, "You know my family wants you. Dad offered to adopt you…"

Shawn let out a pained growled. Adoption was a word he never wanted to hear again.

However, he knew Cory was just trying to help. He took a deep breath to regain control over his emotions then said, "I know. But you know that no matter what, I'll always be second to you and Eric. I don't blame him for that, Cory."

He stuck his hands in his hair and turned away. "I want my own people. My people. Not someone else's."

Cory watched him closely as he reassessed how to reach his brother.

Volatile emotion cascaded over Shawn's face like a waterfall. He gripped the roots of his hair so tightly Cory was afraid he might pull them out.

"Why doesn't anyone stay?"

Cory inhaled deeply and took another step forward, carefully watching for the right time to show Shawn the information he had. At the same time, he wanted to yell at him: Jon stayed! He stayed and waited for you here as long as he could. And he's still waiting for you if you'd just listen!

Instead, he took another step forward and said in calm voice, "Shawn…"

Shawn looked him directly in the eyes and began to shake his head fervently. "Don't say the names. I do not wanna hear those names."

Cory gritted his teeth in frustration. Sometimes he just wanted to shake Shawn and force him to hear him out.

Unfortunately, Shawn was stronger than he was.

"Do you really wanna find your mother?" Cory caught his gaze and held it. He might not be able to physically force Shawn to listen, but he could put the information directly into his hands.

Shawn looked at him incredulously. "You know I do."

Cory continued to stare at him.

"Cory? Do you know somethin'?"

As he predicted, Shawn's curiosity overtook him, and he inched closer.

"You do know somethin' don't you?"

Cory waited several moments before saying, "Yeah. I know who your mother is."

Shawn stared at him in shock. Excitement slowly warmed his features.

Cory knew what he was about to do might put their relationship on ice. However, he also knew in time Shawn forgive him and revive their friendship.

"Who? Where? How did you find out? Cory, tell me," he begged. Excitement lit his eyes and a child-like hope blazed in them.

Cory didn't tell him. Instead, he reached into his back pocket and took a piece of paper out and handed it to him.

It took Shawn a moment to process what he was seeing. When he did, he was amazed. "An address and a phone number? Cory, this is incredible! Are you sure it's her?"

Cory's gaze never wavered. "Yes," he said with conviction. "I'm one hundred percent sure."

Shawn's eyes eagerly scanned the paper then his face fell. "There's no name," he looked up in confusion then back down. "Cor, what's her…?"

His words fell off as he really looked at the paper. He knew the address. It was in Greenwich Village, where he'd stayed for a week in high school. He stared at it until it became a watery blur. Anger and grief swept over him, and he stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Cory didn't try to follow him. He remained standing in the middle of the living room for a long time after his best friend left. He didn't know if Shawn would call Audrey, but it gave him hope to see Shawn very carefully tuck her address and number into the interior pocket of his leather jacket before he left.

Thank you so much for reading and spending time with me. I'd love to hear your thoughts about any of the Flashbacks. :)