-There are mentions in this chapter of scenes that have yet to be published: the proposal scene is coming up very soon in a future chapter and has already been written. The leadup to this is at the end of Birthday Wishes and Valentine Kisses which is still being published. It too is already written.
-Jon and Audrey recall the events at the end of Keys. I have had an expanded version of the ending that Lizettevanessa asked me to write sitting on my PC for nearly a year. I am hoping to get back to it very soon to polish it up and get it out. The drunken call Jon mentions getting from Chet is detailed in that story. It is also in this one-shot that Eddie and his relationship with Chet is explored (Jon makes a mention of this in his conversation with Audrey).
As Saudade gets further along and Jon reveals more of his story, Shawn will learn just how significant music has been to him throughout his life and why he kept it hidden the year Shawn lived with him. This is hinted at throughout AiP as music was life for Audrey's dad. It is also brought up in Birthday Wishes and Valetine Kisses and will be the subject of an upcoming one-shot.
Chapter title is from a Whitney Houston (one of Aud's favorite artists) song of the same name.
It was the beginning of a new month and for Jon, Shawn, and Audrey it was the beginning of a new life.
The little family was sitting around Audrey's kitchen table eating her trademark breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, chocolate chips pancakes, and orange juice while chattering excitedly about the month ahead.
And what a month it was turning out to be.
The countdown to the end of Audrey's student teaching was being tracked at both homes on special calendars Jon and Shawn had made and they change them daily with great punctuality. The end of Audrey's student teaching meant the end of Jon's position as her cooperating teacher and although she was, thanks to Mr. Feeny, staying on until the end of the year, the moment the bell rang on her last day, they could be together publicly.
"Okay, Shawn," Jon said between bites of cereal and pancakes. Audrey was less than thrilled with his choice of Cornflakes in addition to everything else. She leaned over him slicing bananas into his bowl as he ate. "I wanna do this guardianship stuff up big."
"Like how?" the teen asked pushing the tip of his nose up with the handle of his fork.
Jon shrugged. "Like, I dunno, rent Chubbie's or somethin'. Go to Six Flags. Whatever you wanna do."
Shawn considered this for a while. A smile slowly stretched across his face. "Chubbies would be cool. Can I invite Cory and Topanga?"
"I kinda figure when I say Shawn, I'm also sayin' Cory and Topanga without actually sayin' their names," Jon remarked without sarcasm.
He grinned. "What about their parents? They've always been cool to me."
"Yeah. The Matthews and Lawrences have been a big help to us too." He grinned at Audrey and caught her in a surprise kiss as she finished slicing the banana.
"Can Little Cory come too?"
Two weeks before, he had met a couple at a livestock show Jon and Audrey took him to. They had a place just outside of the city with chickens, donkeys, goats, sheep, and a lonely little female pig just about Little Cory's age. The couple offered to let Little Cory stay with them any time Shawn needed a safe place for him.
After a long talk with Jon, Shawn decided to take them up on their offer. But Little Cory was still his and he paid for his food and vet bills as best he could with the allowance Jon gave him and the odd jobs he'd pick up every so often. Little Cory came home on weekends and for holiday visits.
Jon exchanged looks with Audrey and gave a good-natured shrug. "Sure, he can help with food cleanup while he's there."
Shawn's smile grew. "T.K. too?"
"You can ask anyone you want."
He watched the couple with wonder. They were going to extremes for him once again. Tipping his head to the side he paused his inhaling of sausage long enough to ask, "Why are you makin' such a big deal of outta this?"
Audrey had gotten up from the table to get more milk just before he asked this. When she returned Jon grabbed her by the waist and pulled her into his lap. She rolled her eyes and tried half-heartedly to get away from him.
Shawn smiled at this, but a strange feeling settled into his stomach. These days he had been having with Jon and Audrey were, to him, even better than what Cory had with his parents. Maybe that was because there were no other kids to take their attention off of each other or off of him.
"Because," Jon said pressing a kiss into the side of her neck that made her shiver. "Your mom and I didn't get to have a baby shower or celebrate our bundle of joy comin' home from the hospital. Gotta make up for lost time."
Your mom and I.
Although they'd become a real family months ago, the language wasn't there for him or Jon consistently unless it came to Audrey. Now Jon was talking like a dad.
A real dad.
His dad.
In less than a year Jon had been much more of a father to him than Chet had been in fifteen years.
Fourteen, he corrected himself.
Chet had yet to show up for year fifteen or even acknowledge it.
Conflicting emotions churned within him as he tried to reconcile not being wanted by his biological parents but being wanted by people who did not share DNA with him to the extent that they wanted to throw a party about it.
In typical Hunter fashion, Shawn chose to ignore what he didn't want to deal with and focus on what was in front of him: Jon and Audrey and a permanent home.
Shawn ducked his head and hid the incredibly pleased smile that consumed his face. Then he shrugged coolly. "Yeah, okay. Cool. Do I get gifts?"
Jon rolled his eyes, but he was smiling too. "Yeah, us."
Shawn, always happy to have at it with his teacher, pushed away from the table, and regarded him skeptically. "Huh, well. Not sure what I'm supposed to do with you, but okay."
Jon wadded up his napkin and threw it at Shawn who grinned and launched it back at him. Somehow throwing paper projectiles at each other had become a family tradition.
After breakfast, while Shawn helped Audrey in the kitchen, Jon was on the phone with Chubbie about how quickly they could reserve a few hours at the teen hangout.
When he was done with the call, he joined them at the sink and took over washing dishes from Audrey.
"I got Chubbie's for the 20th, 7 pm, the Saturday after Mother's Day," he told them looking pleased with himself.
Shawn perked up at the mention of Mother's Day and a devilish smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth as he locked eyes with Jon.
Audrey caught the strange looks they exchanged and crossed her arms over her waist. "I know those looks. What're you two up to?"
"Nothin, Mama," Shawn grinned as he tossed the dishrag to Jon. He leaned back against the table and regarded them as the smirk stretched across his face. "What's next?"
"Next?" Jon asked with an arched brow.
"Yeah. When's the party for you signin' the paperwork for Mama?"
Jon grinned as he tossed the dishrag into the sink. Putting an arm around Audrey, he lifted her hair out of the way and kissed her right behind the ear. "As soon as she gets her diploma."
Shawn started to agree with this then realized that the paperwork would be a marriage license and Jon had not yet asked Audrey to marry him. His face fell into a scowl.
"This better not be the proposal!" he exclaimed, poking a finger in Jon's direction. "You owe Mama somethin' huge to make up for the lame way you told her you loved her."
"Drop it, kid," Jon growled in embarrassment.
Shawn was not deterred. Throwing up his hands he exclaimed, "I still can't believe you told an ex-girlfriend first!"
"It's fine, Shawn," Audrey assured him. "As long as I'm Jonathan Turner's wife and Shawn Hunter's mother, I don't care about the other stuff."
"I do!" Shawn slapped his hands on the table for emphasis. He leaned over to get as close to Jon as possible without actually moving. "It better be the biggest proposal ever or I'm gonna be a pain in your butt until I move out."
Jon rolled his eyes. "You already are."
"I can get worse," he retorted smugly.
They managed to hold their stance for only a moment before dissolving into laughter.
Shawn let his teacher relax for a very short time before starting in on him again. "So another month until the big proposal and you get married. Fine. So then that means I should be gettin' my baby sister in what?" He counted the months out on his fingers. "In February? Oh! Hey, my birthday is in February! Awesome timin'."
They stared at him.
"Uh, how about one thing at a time," Jon stammered out. "Let us get married first."
"With the way you move," he said crossing his arms over his chest, "if I don't to start on you about this now, I'll be thirty before she shows up. Nobody's gettin' any younger here, especially you."
Jon pushed his jaw out at an angle and let go of Audrey. He grabbed Shawn by the shirt tail and put him into a headlock. "Say that again."
"You're old, man!" the teen choked out between gasps of laughter.
The two wrestled in the kitchen while Audrey looked on until a wayward single leg takedown knocked the entire table askew and sent its contents hurtling towards the floor. Jon nearly injured himself trying to catch the fruit bowl before it hit the ceramic tiles while Shawn scurried to corral the apples and oranges that went rolling into corners he didn't know the kitchen had.
Sheepishly they put the table back in order then went to stand by Audrey as though nothing had happened. She just laughed and rolled her eyes at their antics.
Jon wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in front of him. While he nuzzled her neck, she placed her hands on top of his and leaned into his kiss. Shawn went to the other side of the table and crossed his arms over his chest. He was doing his best to be serious and critical, but that deranged Joker grin tugging at the corners of his mouth was making it difficult.
"You better do a better job makin' out than that," he aimed his critique at Jon. "I have very high expectations for family life, you know."
"I do not know, and I don't think I wanna know," Jon remarked with a frown. The teen was getting just a little too personal. "Besides I only accept Aud's opinion on that matter."
Audrey turned and slipped her arm around his waist. To Shawn she said, "What are you talking about, honey?"
Shawn rested his hands on the table and leaned forward. "I expect to find the two of you makin' out in the kitchen every mornin' like Cory's parents do."
Jon arched an eyebrow, highly suspicious. "Why?"
"So I can watch."
This was a horrifying reason as far as the English Lit teacher was concerned. "I don't want you takin' notes on my kissin' technique, kid," he snapped grumpily.
"And I don't wanna take notes on your kissin' technique, Dad." He was struggling to contain his grin. "I just wanna heckle you."
"What?" This absolutely baffled Jon.
Audrey laughed and pressed a hand to his chest. "My parents used to kiss in the kitchen in the mornings, too. I loved to see that they were still into each other, but even more I loved being able to say…"
"Gross! Get a room!" Shawn crowed with glee; the Joker grin had now taken over his face.
Audrey nodded enthusiastically.
Jon squeezed her a little tighter. "Huh," he said, shaking his head. "Can't say I know what you're talkin' about. I never experienced that growin' up, but if it'll make you two happy…"
"Three," Shawn corrected him.
"Three?"
"Me, Mama, and baby sister." The grin widened.
Jon rolled his eyes and, while still holding onto Audrey, reached out to the teen. "Don't start that with me."
Shawn dodged his hand and skipped out of the kitchen. From the living room his voice echoed back to them, "Love you guys!"
Audrey looked up at Jon and rested her chin on his chest with a dreamy smile as he shouted back, "We love you too, kid!"
A few moments later they heard Shawn excitedly babbling to Cory on the phone about their plans.
Jon looked down at Audrey and grinned.
"Do you really not care about a proposal, Aud?"
It was nearly midnight.
With Shawn off to bed in an actual bed rather than curled up on the couch with them, Jon finally had some time with Audrey alone. These moments were few and often fleeting but they relished the time they could steal away together. Jon found these moments far more satisfying than the traditional dating he had once been so invested in. And more exciting given the secret nature of their relationship, though he would not miss the secrecy when it was over.
These times were also more intense than any date he'd been on.
Although Audrey maintained her desire to wait until marriage, she would not say no to him, which meant the moments could not last long or they would get careless. And the last thing he wanted was for her to regret any part of their relationship even if they were getting married.
They settled on the couch; Jon is his corner and Audrey curled up next to him with her feet tucked under her and her knees resting in his lap. He put his arm over her legs and settled his head back against the couch. Her fingers went straight to his hair, weaving in and out of the curls.
"I really don't," she told him. "I just want you and Shawn. That's all that matters to me."
Jon turned his head slightly to give her a skeptical look. "Aud, you're the girl who dreamed of her first kiss bein' like a movie scene. A very specific movie scene, I might add. You tellin' me you haven't put just as much thought into a proposal?"
She shrugged and tossed her hair over her shoulder with a quick flick of her hand. "Yeah, of course, but it really doesn't matter to me now. I'd hop a flight to Vegas tonight and marry you."
He gave her a small smile. "I have actually considered that, but Shawn would me haunt if I did."
"Haunt you?" she asked amusedly.
"Trust me that kid could figure out how to do it while he's alive," he retorted sarcastically, but there was deep affection in his voice.
Audrey grinned. She ran her fingers from his hair down to his jaw then lightly over his lips.
He let out a satisfied sigh. "I love you so damn much, babe."
As a smile of delight warmed her features, her fingers moved from his hair to his shirt and slipped below the collar. "I love you too, Jonny. I can't wait until I'm done student teaching."
A lazy smile spread over his face as he closed his eyes and enjoyed her touch. As he did, a song drifted through his mind.
For every major moment in his life there seemed to be a Springsteen song attached to it.
This time it was "Born to Run".
The song was the anthem of those spinning their wheels with nowhere to go and a desperate need to get out. It was about a guy and his girl with similar dreams making a risky move to make them happen. A love profession that no matter how their life turned out he wanted to die with her by his side.
He knew without a doubt that Springsteen didn't have marriage and adoption on his mind when he wrote the song, but over the years this song had shifted to mean exactly that for Jon: escaping the life he was in and doing it in the most outrageous way possible with Audrey by his side.
"In the day, we sweat it out on the streets of a runaway American dream," he said in a sing song way, lapsing into a heavier than usual Brooklyn accent. "At night, we ride through mansions of glory in suicide machines."
Audrey grinned and gently turned his head towards her. Kissing the tip of his nose, she replied, "The Boss."
Jon nodded, turning into her more. "The Boss." Into her neck he skipped a few lines and murmured, "I want to know if love is wild, babe. I want to know if love is real."
Audrey tangled her fingers into his hair even more. Although she knew the rest of the lyrics, she whispered in his ear, "I'll show you."
He grinned against her skin, left a kiss, then turned his head back so he was staring at the ceiling again.
"But no more suicide machines." The breath of her voice tickled his ear as she leaned closer to him. "That's all in the past, Jonny."
He nodded and settled against her hugging her knees to his chest. 'Suicide machines' was once a slang term for everything that promoted an early grave: fast cars, drugs, sex, and money. It went hand in hand with the motto of his youth in the 70s: "Live fast, leave a beautiful corpse."
He finally found the courage two weeks ago to tell her the details of why he lived with her dad for so long. She was surprised but forgiving, not that he expected anything different. It was just admitting the numerous sins of his youth was not easy.
And those sins were not something he ever wanted Shawn to find out about.
They sat in comfortable silence as Audrey massaged his scalp and Jon ran his fingertips up and down the seam of her jeans.
Finally, he said, "Shawn's excited about the guardianship signin'."
"Yeah, he is. So am I."
"Me, too." He fell silent as a disturbed look overtook his expression.
"What is it?" she asked, running her fingers behind his ear.
"Shawn didn't question anything. Didn't ask about Chet or Virna."
"I noticed," she said. Her hand came to rest on his chest. "I think he's finally given up on them."
"Yeah, I guess."
Jon sunk lower into the couch and let his head rest in the crook of her arm. She continued playing with his hair while kissing his forehead. He took hold of her hair and spread the locks over him like a silky sheet.
"How do you think he's going to take our little surprise?" she asked.
He smiled. "He's gonna love it, Aud. Not bein' able to tell him that you're in on this is killin' me."
She rested her cheek against his forehead. "I'm really excited."
Jon heard the catch in her voice and arched an eyebrow, but she couldn't see his expression. "But?"
Her gray eyes grew stormy. "But I just don't understand how Virna can let this happen. How can you let a stranger take your place in your child's life? Not even to contest Chet giving away guardianship to me?"
"Yeah…" Jon sighed heavily. "Chet was really strange about that."
She stopped kissing him and sat back slightly. "How so?"
He traced a figure eight over her calf. "For starters, it was his idea that you be added as guardian. Said Shawn loves you a lot and deserves a mother." He shook his head and stopped his tracing for a moment then resumed. "I asked if he'd found Virna and talked to her about all this. He wouldn't answer my question. Just kept sayin' that Virna was no threat to you. That she couldn't challenge you as his mother. He said she had no parental rights."
Audrey frowned. The only experience she had with any of this was after her mother died and DCFS was concerned about her father's ability to care for her. However, friends and family stepped in and prevented her from being removed from her home. It was stressful at times given their random checks on her and having to hide her role as his caretaker from them. But all in all, it was a minor inconvenience given everything else that was going on at the time.
Despite her father's mental and physical state, he always maintained his rights. Chet's claims of Virna not having any was either a lie or…
"No parental rights? That doesn't make sense."
"It's Chet," Jon said with disgust. "When do things ever make sense?"
"How could she not have any rights? Did she give them up after she left?"
"Not that I'm aware of. Accordin' to the lawyer there is nothin' on file that she did."
Based on her limited experience she knew that something was very wrong with this. If Chet wasn't lying, then there could only be one explanation.
"She is his mother, right?"
Jon held his out palms up and let them drop back to her knees. "That's what doesn't make sense. Outta one side of his mouth he says Virna has no rights, but when I question him, he says that she's his mother and has been powderin' his butt since day one. When I ask how it's possible, she has no rights, he tells me he has them."
"I don't think that's possible. Hold someone else's parental rights- how?"
Jon gave a frustrated grunt. He despised having to deal with Chet Hunter in any capacity, but this particular matter was making him dislike him more. "I don't know, but everything has gone through so far. That was my understandin' the last time we spoke to the family lawyer."
"Mine too." She rubbed a finger anxiously over her bottom lip. "You're really worried anyway, aren't you?"
"Yeah," he put his hand briefly over his mouth then went on. "Everythin' is lined up for the guardianship for you and me both. But the adoption stuff will take much longer, and Virna will have to be a part of that."
"And Chet? Do you think he'll come back and cause problems?"
"That's what I'm worried about. I'm worried he'll change his mind just as Shawn gets settled. Upend the kid's life and then take off on him again. Just like he did to Eddie. He screwed that poor kid over so bad. Not to mention what he did to his grandmother."
Audrey absently ran her hand down his neck to the collar of his sweater. She let her fingertip dip below the material to his collar bone as she thought of how Chet allowed Eddie's grandmother to take care of him until Virna took off on them and he decided he needed help around the trailer that Shawn was too young to do.
Eddie's grandmother fought back, so Chet took her to court where he won. To make sure she never tried to take her grandson back, Chet allowed some of the most heinous rumors to be spread throughout town about her forcing her move. As far as she and Jon knew, Eddie had not heard from her since, and his life had been nothing but a revolving door of arrests and releases. And he was even twenty yet.
"Shawn'll at least have us if that happens," she reminded him as she slid her hand over to his shoulder.
Jon nodded, but he was disgruntled. "Somethin's not right, Aud. I can't put my finger on it, but somethin' isn't right. This is too easy."
"You're thinking about Eddie and his grandmother?"
Jon nodded then shook his head. His brow pinched together in a deep scowl.
"That's not all."
"Talk to me, Jonny."
He put his arm back over her legs and clutched her ankle tightly with the other hand. "When Chet called, he was apologetic about everythin'. Dumpin' Shawn, bein' a lousy father, givin' his kid up. You remember the night Shawn called you in the middle of nightmare beggin' you to come over?"
She nodded.
"You remember the drunk call I got that same night from Chet tauntin' me about Shawn bein' his and if I tried to keep him, he'd expose us?"
"Yeah, I do." Audrey worriedly ran her knuckles over her lips.
"He apologized for that. All of it. For bein' a drunk. For threatin' you."
"You don't think he's being sincere?"
"I think, for now," he said with a heavy sigh, "he sees freedom from all responsibility. No Virna, no Shawn. He's totally free to do what he wants with whoever he wants. I could hear a lot of conversation in the background. All in French."
Audrey rolled her eyes. "He said he was in Maine."
Jon slid his hand up the hem of one of the legs of her jeans and rubbed her ankle in slow circles. "Maine. Montreal. It's all the same to Chet."
Audrey could see Jon was growing increasingly agitated and took his face in her hands. She ran both hands through his hair then interlocked her fingers behind his head. Adjusting her position so that she was in front of him, she rested her head against his forehead and said softly, "He's ours, Jonny. No matter what happens with Chet, he's ours."
He nodded morosely then pulled her into his lap, tipping her back until her head was against the arm of the couch. Rather than kiss her, he buried his face against the curve of her neck and sighed heavily unable to rid himself of the terrible feeling that loomed over him in the form of Chet Hunter.
"I wanna see the itinerary," Shawn mumbled through the pencil he held in his mouth.
Three days later, Jon was sitting at the kitchen table going over Mother's Day weekend plans with the teen. A pile of brochures, maps, and assorted papers were spread out over the table.
"Shawn," he said resting his chin in his hands. "We've been over this six times in the last hour. Nothin's changed."
"That's the problem!"
"What?"
Shawn removed the pencil from his mouth and pointed to his schedule with the eraser end. "I don't like this part of the day," he said critically. "We need to maximize our time in Minetown. I wanna race those antique cars they got. But we cannot skimp on time at the Boardwalk."
"What's the Boardwalk?"
"Waterpark. It's supposed to be like Coney Island and Atlantic City mashed together," he looked at Jon through his bangs. "Don't forget to tell Mama to pack her swimsuit."
Jon, who wasn't thrilled with the idea of a water park, perked up at that. Particularly when he realized he didn't know what kind of swimsuit Audrey wore.
Or if she even had one.
Shawn interrupted his thoughts by waving the pencil in front of his nose. "Also, we have gotta make time for this new game they've got- Goblets & Fried Frogs."
Jon was duly distracted from the swimsuit issue. "Goblets and Fried Frogs? What is that?"
"Don't know. Don't care. Wanna play." He went back to the brochure. "We also have check out this Bubba Bear character."
"I know I'm gonna regret this," Jon said with a resigned sigh, "but why do we have to check out Bubba Bear?"
"I wanna see if he's cool like Mickey Mouse or creepy like Chuck E. Cheese."
Sometimes Jon had a really hard time understanding the way his student thought. "Why?"
"Because if he's gonna scare my baby sister I wanna know now so we can avoid him next time we go."
"Yep, I regret it," he snorted when he caught the pointed look Shawn was giving him.
"Oooh!" The teen jabbed his finger at a picture in the brochure, distracting himself from his baby sister. "Check this out: Lightening Racer- race against your opponent on the world's first wooden racing/dueling roller coaster! Jon, we gotta do this!" he exclaimed shoving the brochure in his teacher's face.
Jon grimaced and pushed the paper away.
At the look on his face, Shawn shook the hair out of his eyes and frowned, "Oh, yeah, I forgot. You're afraid of roller coasters. Never mind, Mama and I'll go then. You can hold our bags."
Jon was tempted to take the brochure and swat the kid with it, but instead said, "We can always go back if we miss somethin'. Lancaster isn't that far away."
Shawn rolled his eyes. "That's not the point."
"What is then?"
"This weekend has to be perfect. Are you sure we have reservations for the Old Mill Stream campground?"
"Yeah." Jon had his own brochure in his back pocket. "I got the family cabin booked two weeks ago. Kitchen is small with a mini fridge, stove but no oven, a microwave, and a sink."
Shawn squinted at the pamphlet he was given, unsure if this was enough.
"I figure a small kitchen is better if we wanna keep Aud out of it," he explained.
"Good point." Shawn pointed his pencil at his teacher in approval.
"It does have a dinin' room, picnic table, and a fire pit. We just gotta bring sheets, blankets, pillows, bath towels, and plates and utensils."
"Do we have that?"
"We do," he nodded. "I also got the flower delivery lined up for Sunday mornin'."
Shawn scribbled furiously on his notepad. "What about food? We are makin' her breakfast in bed."
"If we get the food now someone else will eat it. We don't get the cabin until the 12th."
"Okay, fine," he huffed. "But we need to make a shoppin' list and call this in ASAP."
Jon pushed away from the table. "We need to not over do this, Shawn."
Shawn put down everything in his hands to give Jon his full attention. "This is Mama's first Mother's Day ever. The first. You can't do the first one over." He eyed his teacher meaningfully. "Just like you can't do over a marriage proposal."
"I'll have you know I have somethin' very big planned for her, Smart Guy," Jon replied defensively.
"Yeah, right. French restaurant, candle lit table, down one knee? Bor-ring!"
Jon glared at him.
"I hate French food," he mumbled. "And that's not what I'm plannin' on doin'."
Shawn scrunched up his nose. "Do you even have a ring?"
Jon turned around with his hands on his waist.
"You don't, do you? Aw, man!" Shawn threw up his hands and looked at the ceiling. "Jon, this is the most important part!"
"I have the ring, thank you very much."
Shawn folded his arms over his chest.
Jon's face softened. He forgot that he hadn't told anyone about his Christmas purchase. "I bought it in December."
This shut Shawn up. He was flabbergasted and very impressed. "Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"Can I see?"
"Yeah. C'mon."
Jon led the way to his bedroom and opened the bottom drawer of his chest of drawers. Beneath the false bottom was a small velvet box.
Shawn tried to take the box from him, but Jon held on to it tightly. He did not want to accidentally lose the ring. "Sit," he said motioning the bed.
The teen gave him a funny look but obeyed.
Jon sat next to him and carefully opened the box. His hand shook as he held it out for Shawn to inspect. It surprised him that he was so nervous. He nearly panicked when Shawn picked the ring up.
Shawn gave him a meaningful look; he understood why Jon was so worried and promised, "I'll be careful."
He held the ring reverently between his thumb and forefinger examining it with a look of awe. It was a beautiful ring, an attention-getter for sure but not too flashy.
It was…
Perfectly Audrey.
He smiled.
Jon wasn't sure what he expected Shawn's reaction to be to the ring, but tears never factored into it. Yet a single tear dripped down each of the teen's cheeks.
Before he could ask what was wrong, Shawn turned to him with a watery smile. "You got this at Christmas?"
Jon nodded and told him the story of how he found himself looking at engagement rings when he went to buy Audrey a necklace and earrings.
Shawn gave the ring a strange teary eye smile, touching the diamond gingerly with his finger, then put it carefully back in its case.
Jon closed the box and put it in his jeans pocket then turned his attention to the teen next to him.
"Hey," he said putting his hand on Shawn's shoulder. "What're the tears about?"
Shawn shrugged and the tears continued to pool down to his shirt collar. "I just didn't think you'd actually get me a ring for my birthday."
Jon gave a short, confused laugh. "The ring isn't for you, bud."
Shawn laughed and wiped his nose with his sleeve. "I know, but I asked you for an engagement ring for Audrey for my birthday and you got it. You were listenin'."
"Yeah, guess I was."
"Why didn't you tell me then?"
A small smile tugged at the corner of Jon's mouth, and he said with less sarcasm than usual. "'Cause you stink at keepin' secrets like this."
He grinned and nodded. "I totally would've told Mama and proposed for you."
"I know." Jon stared at his hands as he reflected on how much he'd changed since Christmas.
He was so lost in thought that he didn't notice Shawn shift his position on the bed until the teen leaned his head against his shoulder. For this type of comfort, he usually went to Audrey. Joking around and rough housing was his forte.
This was a new, but not unwelcome, experience.
"You okay?" Jon asked.
Shawn sniffed, then said, "We're really doin' this aren't we?"
"Yeah. We are."
"What happens if Da-" he got caught on the word. He no longer knew how to address Chet. He had been trying to focus on Jon and Audrey and his time with them and not think about what guardianship and adoption really meant.
On one hand, adoption was stability, consistency, and safety.
It was home. It was love. It was family.
It was Jon and Audrey.
But on the other hand, it meant that all his greatest fears were true. He was unlovable, unwanted, useless, unimportant, a problem not worth dealing with.
He didn't matter.
If his biological parents could discard him so easily why would Jon and Audrey want him?
A wave of disassociation hit him, and he felt strangely untethered from his emotions. He was neither happy nor sad. Angry nor content.
He felt absolutely nothing.
Not even confused.
"What if he comes back?"
Jon sighed and his countenance darkened. "Then we deal with him comin' back. Together."
Shawn shifted uncomfortably on the mattress. "I know the guardianship thing isn't a big deal. But adoption is. That's, like, permanent. What did he say…I mean, did he seem to…" Shawn couldn't continue. He was beginning to feel again. He pressed closer to Jon hoping those feelings would dissipate into numbness once more.
Jon inhaled a deep breath and let it go slowly. There was a lot he didn't want to tell the teen in his care. There was a lot he felt would serve no purpose in him knowing right now. But he also wanted to be honest with him.
He deserved that much and more.
"You wanna know about my conversation with him?"
Shawn nodded, but Jon could feel his uncertainty.
His fear.
Jon took his hand and stared at the bedroom door. "Chet brought up adoption a while ago, a phone call after you'd had a bad dream. He was pretty rude about things then."
Shawn snorted his lack of surprise to hear that.
"But when I talked to him about guardianship after I finally got the paperwork, he'd changed his mind. Seems to think Aud and I are the best ones for you. He seems apologetic. He seems happy with your future with us."
"He seems glad to be free of me, you mean," he stated bluntly. He turned his head to look Jon in the eyes as though daring him to deny it.
Jon told him the truth. "Yeah, kid. He did. I'm sorry."
"Don't you apologize for stuff he did," Shawn snapped with a venom he didn't actually feel. The numbness was engulfing him again. "He's not lookin' for her, is he?"
"I don't know, but it doesn't seem like it."
Shawn leaned onto his shoulder and pushed his chin hard into Jon.
Jon tightened his grip on the teen's hand. "How do you feel about all this, Shawn?"
Shawn was silent for a long time, staring at the doorway with a blank look in his eyes. "I want you to be my dad. I want Audrey to be my mom. I want us to be a family. I want a baby sister."
"I know you do. But how do you feel about Chet and Virna?"
A blank look settled over his face matching the one in his eyes. A wave was undulating beneath the numbness with an emotion he couldn't place. "They don't want me. I don't want them."
Jon bowed his head. "They're your parents."
"Not anymore. I disown them. Both of them," he said. His voice was bitter but the emotion in him was still unnamable. "I can forget about them as easily as they forgot about me and never look back."
The wave rose over his head like a tsunami: hate, anger, fear, worthlessness, melancholy, insecurity, self-loathing, disgust all surging together to drown him.
He got up abruptly and headed towards the door, but he did so without letting go of Jon's hand. Jon used this connection to pull him back to his side. Shawn bounced on the mattress and Jon wrapped an arm around him.
"Ain't that easy, Shawn."
"It is for me." For all of the emotion raging in him, none came out in his voice.
"I said the same thing, but I couldn't just walk away," Jon told him emphatically. "I tried and got my butt in so much trouble Audrey's dad had to bail me out. I know what it's like to have your parents in and out of your life."
Shawn sat back from him just a little and gave him a curious look. This was not something he'd ever heard before.
"I know what it's like to be kept close when it suits them," he went on. Shawn saw a familiar look in Jon's eyes; one he often had in his own when Chet disappointed him yet again. "I know what it's like to have the people who are supposed to love you and protect you turn their backs on you at fifteen."
Shawn was fighting hard to keep the tears back. So much so that the full meaning of what Jon was saying wasn't sinking in: how similar they were.
"I know the anger, Shawn."
He shook his head unable to see anything anymore. He pressed the palm of his free hand to his eyes to stop the flow.
Without thinking, Jon pulled him closer and tightened his grip on him. "My problem was I ran from my feelin's about my parents. I never dealt with it. Or them."
He paused a moment to collect himself. The kid sitting next to him could easily have been himself at fifteen.
" I am not gonna let you go down that same road. Pretendin' the past never happened and lettin' that anger eat you up in the meantime. Pretendin' isn't gonna get you the life you want. It's gonna destroy any chance of getting that life."
Shawn shuddered against him, and Jon realized he was quietly crying on his shoulder. He put his other arm around him. "I know you're not ready to deal with everythin' right now and you just wanna enjoy the moment. Aud and I want that for you too. But we aren't gonna let you do it forever."
The teen heaved a heavy sigh and mumbled in a voice thick with sorrow. "Meanin' what?"
"Meanin' after those papers get signed at Chubbie's Mom and I are takin' us to family counselin'."
Shawn pulled back and looked at Jon with a strange wide-eyed look that made him appear very young "That's expensive with Mama in counselin' too. I know you're payin' for her."
Jon shrugged. "You're both worth doin' whatever needs to be done to get you taken care of. I'll take out a mortgage if I have to. But it's my concern, not yours."
Shawn shook his head and a very faint smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "You can't take out a mortgage on a buildin' you don't own."
Jon smiled that he caught what he said. "Guess not."
"What if he decides not to let you adopt me?" Shawn's grip on Jon's hand tightened.
"I hope he loves you enough to do what's best for you, Shawn. But if he doesn't…"
"What?"
"I'll take him to court if I have to."
Shawn stared at Jon feeling deeply conflicted but the look on his teacher's face told him that he was dead serious.
"You'd lose if you did, but you won't have to," he said confidently. "He's not comin' back."
Jon frowned. "You sound so sure."
"I know him, Jon. She," he couldn't bring himself to use Virna's name, "and you gave him what he wants most- freedom. Can't hold Chet Hunter down in one place. I'm his son, by blood anyway, and we are the same in one way: I've got what I want. I'm not goin' back. He's got what he wants. He's not comin' back."
He stood up and moved to the door still holding onto Jon.
"Maybe," Jon said standing up with Shawn. "But whatever happens, Mom and I won't let you go. Even if we have to physically, we won't let you go."
Shawn nodded. He started to head to the door then turned back abruptly and embraced Jon tightly. Jon returned the hug with the same force until Shawn relaxed. Then he let him go.
The teen headed to the couch, sank into it, and turned on the television.
Jon leaned against the doorway and watched him. He was very concerned that Chet would return and try to take back the kid he loved so much.