The next day was spent in great seriousness. Toph and Aang trained harder than ever. Aang didn't have to work at all to summon the resolve needed to earthbend. The thought of young Zuko hearing that his mother was gone and knowing that everything his sister claimed was true gave him all the determination he needed. Toph actually had to keep him from going overboard several times.
Meanwhile, Katara practiced her waterbending. Sokka used Pai Sho to discuss military strategies with Iroh. And Zuko released the fire spirit. It grew from a small fireball to its full dragon form and circled him, weaving among the rocks. Zuko glared at it. "Let's settle things. You and me."
The fire dragon opened its mouth in a silent roar.
"You caused the worst event of my entire life. You nearly got me killed. And you didn't apologize or do anything to make up for it. You tried to sweep it under the rug as if it never happened!"
The dragon bared its teeth. This was a very familiar set of complaints.
Zuko took a deep breath. "Luckily for you, the Avatar and his friends are willing to apologize for things that aren't their fault. You're covered. Let's move on."
The fire spirit stopped circling and tilted its head. Curiosity. More.
"They didn't have anything to do with my childhood. There's no reason for them to care at all. But last night, they all looked so scared on my behalf. Even Toph." Zuko crossed his arms. "I…still have trouble believing things like that are real. But I don't care if it's real or not. I just want this to be over. Let's move on."
The fire spirit continued to circle him, but slower, keeping its gaze on him the whole time. Zuko clenched his fists. It doesn't trust me? Ha! The irony of that makes me want to hurl. "If the only way I can move on is by trusting them, then I'll do it," he snapped. "Because I trust them more than I trust you." He stormed away. As he passed a loose boulder left behind from Aang's training, he put his hand on it and turned back. "I don't…" It was hard to say. "I don't need you anymore." He turned around to hide his face, though he knew that changed nothing. He whispered, "I needed you once, and look where that got me. It's better this way." He stood there for a while, holding onto the boulder. Then he let go of it and moved on.
The fire spirit followed him as a tiny fireball that hopped from spot to spot all along the path. That's right, it can't disappear without my help. Zuko didn't want to help it with anything. He let it accompany him all the way back to the campsite, where he found Sokka and Iroh in deep and hushed discussion. Iroh broke it off before Zuko could possibly hear a word. "Ah, Nephew, how goes your training?"
"I'm gonna pay a visit to the spirit world," Zuko said. It was a spur of the moment idea. "Watch my body while I'm gone."
"What are you gonna do there?" Sokka asked.
"I'm going to talk to an ancestor of mine. Twospirit Hamoa."
"Do you think…?" Sokka asked Iroh.
Iroh shook his head. "No. Too dangerous." He stood up and patted Zuko's shoulder. "Enjoy the talk with your ancestor. It's…good to have family you can rely on."
"Yeah." Zuko turned away, shaking off his hand. Questions sprung to his lips - Why didn't you come home right away? Why didn't you protect me? - but he didn't ask them. "I'll lie in the saddle just in case something happens." Appa and Momo were by the river with Katara. The saddle remained at the campsite. Zuko noticed that some supplies had been packed up and placed in the saddle, as if someone had had the same thought. Probably Sokka. Zuko stood on the opposite side from them so they wouldn't be damaged and called the fire spirit to him. He hated having to call it for anything. But this time, it came. It lengthened into a ribbon and swirled around him, faster and faster, creating a scorching feeling in his body. The water spirit contributed from inside, making him shiver. He lost consciousness once, then again, then remembered to fall down just in time before he lost consciousness for good.
He ended up on dry land this time. He coughed, sat up and looked around. He was surprised to find himself among rolling hills. There was no water to be seen. Strange spires of rock jutted out of the hills every which way, providing perches for bizarre-looking birds and the occasional monkeylike creature. As Zuko investigated the hills, he discovered that nearly every one of them had a cave set into it. The earth here was hollow and filled with secrets. He got a feeling like things in the caves were watching him. The red dragon landed and traveled at his side, so nothing came out of those caves. Zuko felt bitter again. I hate it when it helps me. Because that gets my hopes up, making the next time it lets me down hurt even more.
The water spirit was there, too. After much looking, Zuko discovered that he had a small brook following him. It made no sound and kept out of sight, doing its best to leave him alone with the fire dragon. It's trying to help, but I hate it. Zuko stopped looking around. He just put one foot in front of the other, hoping to meet Hamoa soon.
The fire dragon sat down. Zuko sat down with it. They waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, Zuko couldn't wait any more. "What's taking so long?"
The water spirit assumed dragon form and placed itself in front of him. It signed, Good twospirit human located close to Big Ice Place. Far away. Soon though. Soon soon exciting.
Zuko waited a little longer. He soon saw a dragon swooping through the air above. It was an ordinary dragon that had died, not a spirit dragon like Fire and Water were. Its hide was black and so sleek it looked oily. It had a white patch on its forehead that only became visible when it leaned down to let off its two passengers. One of them was Hamoa, and the other was an old man about Hamoa's age wearing primitive royal garb in red colors. Zuko stood up. He bowed respectfully to each of them. "Twospirit Hamoa. Firelord Rokin."
"Did Hamoa tell you of me?" Rokin asked.
"Yes, of how you helped him travel the world with your dragon. I've forgotten the dragon's name."
"It's Ye Yue," Rokin said. The dragon looked down, displaying again the white mark on its black forehead. "My loyal and powerful friend." He hesitated. "I have heard the news."
"Yeah," Zuko muttered. "It's sad." He looked up at the red dragon. Maybe it wasn't so bad to have these spirits around.
"Don't dwell on sadnesses," Hamoa said gently. He put a caring hand on Zuko's shoulder. "Why do you call me?"
"You liked your fire spirit, right?"
"Yes, very much."
"How? Fire is so impulsive and distractible. You can't count on it to remember anything important. You can't count on it to be there." Zuko looked down at the ground, his fists clenching. "You can't trust it at all."
"What do you mean?" Hamoa asked, surprised. "Fire can always be trusted. It does not have different shapes in different places. It always is itself. When your place makes you think there is only one way, Fire tells you there are other ways. It cannot lie, even if it tries to. It is truth. Truth can be trusted."
Zuko closed his eyes and crumpled to the ground. He curled up, wrapping his arms around his knees like a child. "Then why did it let me be lied to?"
A nudge on his shoulder made him open his eyes. The fire dragon shook its head. It opened its mouth and let out a little puff of flame, just enough to make Zuko flinch away. He remembered. It kept jumping out at me. I would have lost faith in my senses, but I didn't because it kept leaping out at me, reminding me that what I'd seen was real. He bared his teeth. Anger flooded him, making him want to explode. "Since when was that ever enough?!"
The dragon retreated. Zuko leaped to his feet. "What good did you ever do me?!" he spat. "Some trustworthy truth teller you are! You didn't tell me any truth! You didn't do anything useful for me! You just left me there to fend for myself!"
The water spirit flowed into his vision. It moved faster than he had ever seen. Before he could react, it headbutted him. Zuko stumbled back, so confused he forgot to be angry. He rubbed his forehead and stared back at it.
The water spirit gestured at its mate, then made a new sign. It touched its heart, then traced a line up its neck and out of its mouth. Literally, it said, Words from the heart. In connection with the fire spirit, Zuko understood that this new sign meant Truth. With that established, the water spirit had things to say to him. Truth was bad. You did not need it.
"What are you talking about?" Zuko asked. "I nearly -"
The water spirit shook its head vigorously. That was special. That was too much. It paused to consider its words. Wasn't this only the second time it had ever done so? The first time, Zuko remembered, was when it had spoken to him in his darkest hour, when his inner fire was out and he couldn't stand to exist. Its words then were a matter of life or death. It felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over his head. Suddenly, Zuko understood that he couldn't whine and stomp like a petulant child. Something about his relationship with Fire was very important.
The water spirit flared its gills twice and got back to business. You didn't approach death because of lies. It signed Lies by using its other barbel to cut off the truth before it could reach its mouth. You approached death because of pain, chaos. As it had on that dark day, it signed chaos by whipping its head from side to side, throwing itself off balance. As on that day, Zuko understood this feeling. He shivered. Truth caused chaos.
"You're saying…" As Zuko tried to understand, he got a horrible gut-sinking feeling. He said slowly, "You're saying that if I'd known the truth, Dad would have killed me for sure." Or I would have.
Rokin and Hamoa gasped. The water spirit nodded.
But that wasn't what made Zuko's gut sink. "Fire nearly got me killed. But that's only because it can't stop existing no matter how hard it tries. Nearly getting me killed, instead of certainly getting me killed, was success. The best thing it could do for me back then, what I really needed…was for it to not exist."
The water spirit nodded again. Zuko felt sick. For the first time in his life, he looked at the fire spirit with sympathy and understanding. You really were doing the best you could for me. I didn't need reminders of the truth. I needed to believe what I was told. I needed to be the perfect son. I hated you the same way I hated my own desires, and for the same reason. In order to live, I had to stop existing. He remembered the awful feeling of knowing that he could not exist, that he was not allowed to, that the only thing his existence did was make the world a worse place. The fire spirit had known that feeling too. It had tried to unmake itself too. But it had failed, just like he had failed, and exploded in rage, just like he exploded in rage, and cried out in pain just the same way as he would cry out if doing so wouldn't get him ridiculed. Zuko shivered. In the fire spirit's failure to simply stop existing, he'd seen reflected his own failure. I don't hate you. I hate myself, and you're a part of me.
"Why would you bind yourselves to me?" he asked. "Why not someone else? Dad's fire spirit, it must have told you…"
Learning, the water spirit replied.
"What? You bound yourselves to me just so you could learn what this feels like?! Why would you want to torture yourselves like that?"
Curiosity. Interesting.
"Spirits are crazy." Zuko shook his head. Even as he did so, he remembered what the water spirit had told him. His own existence could be stopped. His own existence required activity, such as breathing and heart-beating, and therefore was incompatible with Darkness. But the elements had a different sort of existence that disappearing into darkness would not put an end to. They could not stop existing. Why would they ever want to do something that they knew they couldn't do? Bonding with a human and sharing in that human's life was the only way to experience this desire. With a start, Zuko realized that participating in his life was the closest they would ever get to being human. He'd become as much like a spirit as he could and the spirits had become as much like humans as they could. Everyone wanted to be whatever they were not.
The water spirit pulled him for a hug. Zuko hugged it back. The fire spirit nuzzled the back of his neck. Zuko shivered with longing. He'd always dreamed of another life, one where he lived among dragons. The fire spirit's touch reminded him of those dreams. Of course it did! The fire spirit was the same as his dreams. Zuko let go of the water spirit and turned towards Fire. It lowered its head obediently. He patted its snout.
Hamoa yelped. Zuko turned to see the water spirit squeezing the life out of him. It flapped its fins and rocked side to side so hard that it seemed ready to leap up and fly next. It dropped Hamoa back on the ground all at once, forcing him to use his spear as a staff to keep upright. "I am happy about helping," he said. The water spirit remembered that it had a real physical form and let out a series of celebratory sounds, trilling and chirping and keening loudly enough to fill in for a whole nest of water dragons.
Fire chuffed. It raised its head and roared, just because it could. Zuko shook hands with Twospirit Hamoa. "Thanks for helping me understand things."
"Ah, of course." Hamoa looked totally perplexed. "I want to say… I never thought a spirit of the elements could speak to one who is not yet spirit."
"Maybe that's just because yours didn't need to."
"Maybe so." Hamoa looked up at the water dragon. "You have taken good care of him, friend." The water spirit nodded.
"A dragon speaking! What else?" Rokin looked up at Ye Yue with admiration. The black dragon shook their head as if to say, No, not happening.
"Firelord Rokin?" Zuko asked.
"Yes?"
"Did Hamoa get a chance to tell you about me?"
"Ah, no. I have been…busy."
"I understand," Zuko said. "More than you might think. My father is the current Firelord, Firelord Ozai."
Rokin stared at him. His face grew grim. "My apologies."
"You really should tell Hamoa what you've been learning about the war. It would explain a lot."
"War?" Hamoa asked.
Zuko turned away. The fire dragon waited. "I guess we should go back now. Goodbye."
"Take our blessings with you," Hamoa replied.
Zuko climbed onto the fire dragon's head, just behind its horns. The fire dragon raised its head and prepared to fly away. Zuko was surprised when Ye Yue got in his face. The black dragon held his gaze for an uncomfortably long time, as if judging him. Just as Zuko feared he wouldn't pass, Ye Yue snorted. The black dragon raised one short barbel and touched it to Zuko's forehead. Zuko received flashes of memory: listening for the calls of parents as a blind baby, learning to fly, meeting humans for the first time. The flashes of memory soon ended, and Ye Yue retreated. Zuko understood why the black dragon had shown him these things. "And take the blessing of a dragon as well," Rokin added.
Zuko nodded, though he knew the black dragon had given him much more than that. "I will. Look after her." Ye Yue wrapped her tail around her hind legs and watched as they took off. Zuko watched back until the hills hid her from sight.
The fire spirit landed in the same place as Zuko had awoken in before. He climbed down. As they had last time, the two dragons pressed their heads against his ears and hummed. He closed his eyes and imagined himself lifting up and away.
When their hum abruptly cut off and he felt a jolt, he opened his eyes. "- the library and find out more about it," Sokka said with his mouth full.
"I'd better practice my sandbending then," Toph replied.
"All I've heard are old stories," Iroh said. "Who knows if Wan Shi Tong's library still exists in this world. But it would be the best place to get information on Sozin's Comet, unless we want to sneak into the Fire Nation."
"I don't even want to step foot in the Fire Nation until Ozai's defeated," Aang said. "Magic library sounds good to me!"
"Once you and Toph have learned to sandbend," Sokka added.
"Yeah, of course."
Zuko pulled himself up over the edge of the saddle. "Good idea. I'm sure Azula knows we couldn't have gone far. She's probably checking the mountains with scent-tracking animals right now. Let's hope she doesn't know where to find one of those giant mole things."
"You're awake!" Katara said with a smile. They were eating lunch. Zuko's stomach growled. He joined them around the fire. She served him his portion, then asked, "What did you learn in the spirit world?"
"Some stuff about Fire."
"Like what?" Sokka asked. "Anything that can help us defeat the Firelord?"
"I don't think Fire will defeat the Firelord for you the way it did with Zhao, but that's just because it wants to see us rise to the challenge ourselves," Zuko replied. "It does not like my father and it doesn't support the war. Fire is all about passion. My father hates that. He suppresses it. If we weren't already on course to defeat him, I'm sure Fire would fight back."
"Woah," Toph exclaimed. "You just said we."
Everyone looked at Zuko. He gulped. "I guess I did."
"What happened in the spirit world?" Katara asked.
Zuko would have liked to tell her. Really, he would have. He was on a roll as far as being honest was concerned. He wanted to reveal more of his past. But as soon as he opened his mouth to tell her, he realized he couldn't without sharing the contents of his nightmare. That was impossible. He shut his mouth. "I don't know how to talk about it." His heart thumped.
"It's okay," Aang said. "Having you on my side is enough. Thank you, Zuko."
"We'll beat the Firelord in no time!" Sokka said. He held up a cup of water in a toast.
Zuko dared to smile. It IS enough. Everything else that I want can wait. For now, let's just celebrate this one thing. The water spirit flared twice in agreement, and so did the fire spirit. They were both with him, as they had always been.
.
A/N: Ye Yue is the result I got when I googled "chinese for night moon."