I shall do one thing in this life – one thing certain – that is, love you, and long for you, and keep wanting you till I die. – Far From the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy
Chapter Three: Confessions
Promptly at seven that evening, John returned to the Brownstone for the second time in one day. Margaret was coming down the stairs when he entered the lobby. Her silk russet dinner gown was cut to show off her curves to perfection, and she was exquisitely beautiful.
He was completely lost to her, and he wondered if she had any idea how deeply he loved her. John took her hand in his hand before he spoke, "Miss Hale, every time I see you, I think you are even lovelier than the last time I saw you."
Margaret blushed and lowered her eyes. She was affected by his nearness and could not describe the way he made her feel. She only knew that it was delicious and terrifying at the same time. Her hands tingled from his touch, and she felt her heart race whenever he was near to her, especially when they stood as closely as they were standing now. She could smell the scent of sandalwood soap, and it affected her senses in ways she did not understand.
When she was composed, she lifted her eyes to meet his piercing blue ones and said, "Thank you. You are looking well tonight, Mr. Thornton. You should wear that shade of blue more often as it sets off your beautiful eyes."
John smiled and said, "There is nothing beautiful about me, great rough fellow that I am, but it pleases me that you think my eyes are beautiful. I have my father's eyes, Miss Hale, and his height. I got my dark hair from my mother, of course. Father had light brown hair, and Fanny inherited that trait from him, as well as her own blue eyes."
Margaret was glad he shared something so personal with her and lifted her face to smile at him. "I am quite certain he was a handsome man, John, and would be so proud of the man you have become. You have made quite a name for yourself in Milton and beyond, as a successful cotton master, and I am told that you are the youngest magistrate ever to hold the title in Milton's history.
After all they had been through, her praise was a balm to his once shattered heart.
He smiled back and offered her his arm. In the spacious dining room, they were seated at a table that afforded them a small measure of privacy. The room was dimly lit with candles and created a romantic ambiance. John was nervous, but he felt hopeful for the evening ahead to turn out as he wanted it to.
John lamented that he could not court her over six months as she deserved, but circumstances did not allow it. He had to do the best with what time he had, and tonight he if all went as he planned, would be one they would remember fondly in the years to come.
Throughout dinner, they spoke easily, and John marveled that they did not disagree even once. He teased, "Twice in one day, Miss Hale, we have spent hours together without a single cross word between us. I may just have to pinch myself to believe it to be true."
Margaret laughed and said she was glad of it. After they had a cup of tea with dessert, John told Margaret that he had a surprise for her, but it required them to leave the Brownstone. Margaret was curious and pleased that he had planned a surprise. Her coat was in the cloakroom with his, along with her boots, and after bundling up, John led her outside.
In front of the Brownstone, a beautiful and ornate sleigh drawn by a pair of magnificent white Clydesdale horses awaited to take them for a ride around the city of Milton. John helped her alight the sleigh and sat across from her. They were exposed to the chilly evening air, but due to an earlier snowfall, the smog from the mills had dissipated, and the clear night sky was full of stars.
They enjoyed a leisurely ride through the city streets which were lit by gaslights on every corner. Margaret was enchanted, and in the moonlight, John could see pleasure on her face. John had the driver take them to a hill that overlooked the city of Milton, and once they arrived, he took Margaret's hand to help her disembark.
He led her to the rear of the sleigh where they could have complete privacy. For a few moments, they stood on the hill together and took in the vista below. Milton was illuminated only by the lights coming from the windows of homes, the gaslights on the streets of Milton-proper, and the stars twinkling in the night sky. The city looked beautiful, unmarred by smog and the smokestacks of the mills that made Milton the center of the Industrial Revolution in England.
With Margaret's hands in his, John drew in a deep breath, mustered his courage, and began to speak, "Miss Hale, I was bereft when you left Milton a year ago and have missed you every day since you have been in London. There was so much I wanted and needed to say to you the day you came to say goodbye, but we did not have the opportunity to speak alone."
Margaret nodded and squeezed his hands in encouragement for him to continue.
His confidence was bolstered by the feel of her hands in his, "I must confess to you that I have never stopped loving you. I lied to you and to myself when I told you that any foolish passion that I felt for you was over. If I have learned anything at all from our estrangement, it is that my love for you is an intrinsic part of who I am. I will love you for the rest of my life."
He needed to be truthful about his ability to provide, and he confessed, "The mill is struggling financially, but I will do all I can to get it back to a more profitable state. I am a man who works long hours, but I promise you that I will come home each night to you, and we will have time together, just the two of us."
John looked her deeply in the eyes, and his voice was husky with emotion, "Miss Hale, I am asking you to make a life with me in Milton. I am asking you again to be my wife."
Margaret felt the tears of joy running down her cheeks, and she dabbed her eyes with John's handkerchief for the second time that day.
"Mr. Thornton, I knew that I cared for you months before I left Milton, but as soon as I realized that I had given you my heart, you withdrew your affections. I felt I had lost my chance to be your wife, and I have grieved for the loss of your love just as I have grieved the deaths of Bessie, Mr. Bell, and my parents."
Margaret's voice was raspy with all the love she felt for him, "I have missed you for such a long time, and I never dreamed that someday you might offer your heart to me again. I give you all of mine because I love you more than I have words to tell you."
She gave him the answer he needed to hear, "I will be your wife, John."
John was overcome with joy and blinked back tears of his own. For almost three years, he had longed for this woman to be his. He took out the ring from his pocket and asked if he could place it on her finger.
With her permission, he slipped the ring he had chosen so long ago on her hand. He kissed her fingers, each one of them, and said, 'I love you, my Margaret, and I will endeavor to never make you regret marrying me."
She smiled and said, "You may have loved me first, but I can honestly say that you cannot love me more than I love you."
John took Margaret in his arms and held her tightly. She could feel his heart thumping heavily in his chest, and she was sure that he could feel her own heart racing. For several moments, they stood there, wrapped in each other's arms, reveling in their love for each other.
John bent down and tenderly touched his lips to hers. She lifted her chin slightly, and he kissed her again, this time with increasing passion. It was only the cold and it was his concern for her comfort that caused him to release her from his embrace and lead her back to the sleigh.
On the way back through town, he sat beside her and held her warm gloved hand in his as they made their way back to the Brownstone. John had told the driver to take his time getting them back. Both he and Margaret knew that this was the last time they would have any privacy for weeks to come, until they married, and neither one of them were ready for the magical evening to end.
Margaret knew she needed to tell John about Mr. Bell's inheritance when they returned to the Brownstone. She also knew that John was a prideful man and might not receive what she had to tell him as she hoped he would.
Back at the inn, John helped her from the sleigh, and they went to the dining room for hot chocolate to end their evening. They lingered long after their cups were empty of the delicious beverage.
After the waiter cleared the table, Margaret took both of John's hands in hers and told him she had something of significance to discuss with him.
John nodded, and she began to speak, "Mr. Bell was my godfather, and I do not know if you have been told that before his death, he bequeathed me all of his property and his fortune as well."
John shook his head and said, "I was unaware of that. I pay the monthly rent for the mill to a company called Endeavour Enterprises."
Margaret nodded and said, "Henry set up Endeavour Enterprises for me so that I had more freedom in my financial transactions since nobody else knows that it is owned by a woman."
John realized that Margaret was indeed very wealthy, surely the wealthiest woman in Milton, and it was disconcerting to say the least.
John spoke in a hoarse whisper, "Margaret, I am not worthy of you. You are far beyond me socially, and now in wealth as well. I have told you that the finances for the mill are at best unstable. When people learn of your wealth, they will believe that I married you to save my mill."
Margaret would not lose him over money, and she lifted her chin in determination, "John Thornton, would you doom us both to a lonely life, and deprive us of the joy of a family together because of pride? Because if you would do that, how can I possibly believe that you love me as you say you do?
Margaret implored him to listen to her," We have already lost so much time together, please let us not waste another moment with our hearts not in accord. I know I could not bear it if you let Mr. Bell's gift come between us."
She was very close to tears, and Margaret entreated John with stormy gray eyes to defy her words: to deny them a life together over his damnable pride.
John took her hand in his hand before speaking, "I have hurt you with my reaction to this news, and that is the last thing I ever want to do. I want to be your husband more than anything. I only ask that your solicitor draw up papers stating that your fortune remains your own. I will never touch a shilling of it, Margaret. The mill will be our mill, and that too must be put in writing."
Margaret shook her head in agreement, overcome with relief, "I agree to your terms. All I want is to share our lives together. Whatever people say, John, we know the reason why we will marry is because our hearts demand that we do so."
"We know that, but I am afraid that people want to think the worst of others in this town. Margaret, how do you feel about my mother being trusted to know of your inheritance? It may help her realize that the only reason you are marrying me is because you love me. I can assure you that she will never reveal your secret."
Margaret understood and agreed that John should tell his mother about the inheritance if it would help her come to terms with their impending marriage.
John wanted to make sure that Margaret understood his point of view about her inheritance before the conversation shifted away from this point of contention between them, "It is not just pride, Margaret, that keeps from me utilizing your inheritance. It is a man's duty and his honor to provide for his family. As your husband, it is important to me to take care of you and any children we may be blessed with."
"Yes," Margaret said, "I understand, John." She tilted her head and asked, "And just how many children are you hoping we might have?"
The tension between them dissipated, and John leaned forward to whisper, "As many as God blesses us with, my love."
Margaret blushed and surprised John when she replied, "I hope we are blessed with a little Thornton this time next year, John. Our own little boy or girl to love."
John squeezed her hand, and could not help but think of what they would share to create their child. He wanted her more than ever, but as a man who was well-practiced in self-denial, he could be patient. In this moment, it was enough to share her company and to hold her hand in his.
The hour was late, and John knew he needed to leave. "Margaret, will you give some thought tonight as to when you will marry me?"
Margaret smiled at him, "I do not need to think about it, John. I want to marry you as soon as possible, if you find that agreeable. You will need to come to London to speak to my aunt, of course. I wish for us to have her blessing, just as I wish for us to have your mother's.
John gave her a dazzling smile, and said, "Yes, I am agreeable. I will come this weekend to speak to your aunt, and the first banns can be read the following Sunday."
Happier than he thought it possible to be, he hailed a carriage to take him to Marlborough Mills.
John stopped in the drawing room when he got home and shared his news with his mother. Lest she hurt her son, she kept her comments to herself. She wished her son every happiness and sat in the darkness for some time before retiring to her room.
Life would change for them all soon, and she would have to come to terms with it. It was clear to her that she had no say in the matter.
oooOooo
The next morning, John informed his mother that Miss Hale was coming for tea at nine.
Hannah scoffed, and chided him, "You were away from the mill all yesterday, and Williams cannot run it as you do. Now, you are going to spend more time with Miss Hale today instead of working as you should be."
John was annoyed, but kept his voice calm, "I have never neglected the mill, and I resent you implying that I have. Margaret is to be my wife and your daughter-in-law. I do not think it is too much to ask of you to be civil to her, if not welcoming."
John added, "Mother, I will tell you in confidence that Margaret is Mr. Bell's heir. She owns the mill and this house along with a great deal of other properties in Milton and in Oxford. He left her his entire fortune. For as long as we are able, we will keep this information private, but the minute the tittle-tattles get wind of it, the news will spread through the drawing rooms of Milton like wildfire."
"If you need proof of her love for me, you must realize with her beauty and her wealth, she could have her pick of suitors, yet she chose me, Mother. She loves me and has made me happier than I have ever been. I would think that would matter a great deal to you."
Without waiting for a reply, John left to get in a few hours at the mill before Margaret arrived this morning.
Hannah was seething with resentment that Miss Hale had inherited the house and the mill when John had worked for years to build the mill into the successful enterprise it was now. Yes, there were financial strains currently, but Hannah had faith in her son's ability to turn things around.
John had made his feelings clear to his mother, and she would not risk her son's ire or displeasure with her over that haughty girl. That is, if she could control her tongue, and for her son, she would try.
oooOooo
Just before nine, John sent a carriage to collect Margaret to come to the mill. He watched for her to arrive in the mill yard and rushed down to meet her. They shared a private moment of unspoken joy, allowing their eyes to convey all they felt for each other before they entered the house.
The couple was so engrossed in each other that they did not notice that all work had ceased in the mill yard as John's employees took in the scene before him. The master they knew was stern and hard, but with Miss Hale, he was tender. It was a wonder to behold.
Higgins did not miss any of it, and he was glad to see that his two friends had clearly reached an understanding.
John finally spoke, "Margaret, will you come to the house for tea with Mother?"
"Of course, John." Margaret met his eyes and asked, "Have you told her that we are to be married?"
John said he had, and his mother had wished him every happiness. Margaret could only hope that Mrs. Thornton's sentiments had been given sincerely, but she doubted it and steeled herself for an unpleasant conversation. Mrs. Thornton had never liked her, and Margaret did not hold John's mother in high regard either. For John's sake, they would have to find common ground and Margaret determined that she would do her part.
Hannah had missed nothing from where she stood overlooking the mill yard, and quickly went to the drawing room to receive John's intended.
When they entered the room, John gave his mother a look of warning.
Hannah bristled. Miss Hale was unworthy of her son, and it was too much of John to ask her to treat Miss Hale with kindness after all the pain that wayward girl had caused her son.
Margaret spoke first, "It is nice to see you again, Mrs. Thornton."
'Miss Hale, please take a seat and I will prepare you a cup of tea." John sat next to Margaret on the sofa; too close for Hannah's liking, but she kept her acerbic comment to herself.
Hannah prepared their cups of tea before speaking. She asked, "Miss Hale, what brings you back to Milton?"
Margaret smiled and said, "I returned for Mary Higgins' wedding. I stood with her as her maid of honor, Mrs. Thornton. I must admit I was thrilled when I received her invitation to attend the wedding not only because I wanted to share in her happiness, but also because I hoped to see John once more."
Hannah could see that John had taken Margaret's hand even though their hands were hidden beneath the expanse of Margaret's skirt. The formidable matron inquired, "Did you travel here alone, Miss Hale?"
"No, Mrs. Thornton, I came with Dixon, my maid. Henry Lennox, a family friend, escorted us. In fact, he will be here this afternoon to accompany Dixon and me back to London until I return to live here permanently after the wedding."
Hannah said, "Miss Hale, you caused my son great unhappiness when you refused him the first time he offered for you, and you could not see his worth, could you? Now, I am supposed to believe that you have had a change of heart?"
Margaret was not surprised that Mrs. Thornton still felt such venom toward her because John had told her that his mother steadfastly held on to old hurts. Margaret patiently explained, "Mrs. Thornton I did not know John until after the riots. I learned the kind of man he is through all his kindness to my parents and to me. He and I have spoken about all that has passed between us, and all our misunderstandings have been forgiven."
Margaret turned her head to look at John and could see that he was agitated. She met his eyes, imploring him to allow her to soothe his mother's doubts about her without his defense.
She turned her attention back to his mother. "Mrs. Thornton, John is the finest man I have ever known, and I loved him even before I left Milton, but it is not permissible for a young lady to reveal such tender feelings to a man when he has withdrawn his affections from her. When I left Milton a year ago, I left my heart behind. When the carriage was pulled out of the mill yard, I was inconsolable because I did not think I would ever see John again."
Hannah scoffed, and said, "You hid your feelings quite well, Miss Hale. My son clearly had no idea that your esteem for him had changed."
Margaret answered, "What else could I say, Mrs. Thornton? If John and I had been given a moment of privacy, I would have told him that I did not want to leave, but my aunt was determined for us to make the afternoon train back to London. As it was, I barely got her to agree to come to the mill so I might say goodbye to John."
Hannah was not moved by Margaret's words, and all the anger she felt toward Miss Hale thrummed through her body. Her words were dripping with vitriol when she responded, "You say you love my son, but what about the other man that you were seen with at Outwood Station? Where is he, Miss Hale?"
John had heard enough, "Mother! That gentleman was a relation of the Hales, and he had come to say goodbye to Mrs. Hale. If there was anything regrettable about the incident is that the young man and Margaret were too mired in their grief to consider how things might have appeared. I know the truth, Mother, and I know Margaret to be a woman of impeccable moral character."
John turned to Margaret and looked at her with such tenderness that it took Hannah's breath away. Her boy was truly besotted by this young woman, and Hannah noted the love shining from Miss Hale's eyes when she looked at her son.
John stood, signaling the end of the conversation. He held out his hand to Margaret to help her up, and she gripped his hand firmly. He then drew her hand through his arm and laid his free hand on top of hers. They stood before Hannah as a couple, and she could tell from John's countenance that he was most displeased with her. Hannah had hurt her beloved son, and she had not wanted to, but if Miss Hale thought she had forgotten all that had passed, she was mistaken.
Margaret had expected that John's mother would not accept the engagement easily, but it had hurt to be the recipient of her animosity. Margaret wondered how the two of them would find a way to live together with any civility.
Out in the mill yard, they saw Nicholas and asked him to come to John's office.
John looked down at Margaret before speaking to his friend and said, "Higgins, Margaret and I are to be married."
Higgins laughed and said, "Miss Margaret, I was only teasing when I suggested that you stay in Milton, so Thornton did not scowl so much."
Margaret laughed and looked at her friend with great affection, "He asked me to stay and be his wife, and from now on, I promise to do my best to keep that scowl off his face, Nicholas. I will be a good wife to him."
Nicholas hugged Margaret and said, "I am happy for you, just as I was happy for my Mary. It does me good to see you both so happy."
Before he left, Nicholas turned to John and said, "You are a lucky man, Thornton."
John agreed, and the two men shook hands before Higgins left to go back to work.
Margaret said sadly, "If only your mother and my aunt would be as happy for us as Nicholas is."
John sighed and echoed her sentiments.
Margaret and John turned to look out the window in his office at a disturbance in the mill yard. A wagon had tipped, and several boxes had fallen off, but the workers had them all put to right quickly.
John smiled at his beloved before turning back to the window, "At the end of every shift, I stand here and watch until all the workers have left. Every day, since you first owned my heart, I have looked over to the house and wished I were coming home to your loving arms."
She was moved by his words, and said, "I hope you will find comfort in my arms and that our marriage will make you happy."
Margaret realized after the words left her mouth the implications of what she had just said, and she blushed deeply. A lady did not speak of such things! She hoped John did not find her wanton as she was sure he once had after the Outwood Station incident.
John could see that she was embarrassed, so he took her hands in his and said, "I love your bold and passionate spirit. It is who you are and what sets you apart from any other woman in the world for me. We will experience the deeper affections of married life in a short time, and I certainly hope you will not be shy about showing me how much you love me."
John pulled them away from the window and away from prying eyes.
John's voice was husky with emotion, "I desire your happiness more than anything else. Surely you know that, Margaret." He stepped forward to take her in his arms before whispering in her ear, "I have wanted for so long to call you my very own Margaret."
Margaret was overwhelmed with emotion and this endearing man's love for her, "I am yours, John."
Their kisses were sweet, but hungry. When Margaret whimpered softly and pressed closer to him, his desire for her course through his body. John felt Margaret shiver even though she was wrapped in his arms.
Cold air from the chilly winter wind had drafted through his office. Reluctantly he released her. "Come, Margaret, we need to get you to the Brownstone and get you warm."
She answered, "As much as I do not want this private moment to end, it is quite cold in here. Why do you not have a fire in the stove you have installed?"
John answered without hesitation, "Fire is the biggest danger in a mill such as this one. I can bear the discomfort of being cold during the winter months because I know my mill is safer because of it."
He led her through the mill yard, and they walked to New Street so that he might hail a carriage. Snow had begun to fall heavily while they were in his office, and the temperature had dropped significantly.
On the carriage ride back to the inn, both John and Margaret were pensive.
Margaret did not want to leave Milton and John, but they had to do things properly if there was any hope of their families accepting their engagement. She leaned against John, finding comfort in his warmth and his deep love for her.
John did not know how he would be able to bear being apart from Margaret. Three minutes, three hours, much less three days was too long to be away from her now that their hearts were of one accord. John had secured her hand, but he would not rest well until she was sleeping beside him as his wife. He was all too aware that Henry Lennox was a rival, and the man who had the advantage of proximity as well as the approval of Margaret's family. He trusted in Margaret's love, but he would not take anything for granted until she was his wife.
John held her hand tightly in his and masked his emotions. He would not allow his insecurities to mar a single moment they had left to spend together this morning. Soon, very soon, they would not have to be parted.
Once they said their vows, Margaret would be his, forever and always.
oooOooo
Author's Notes: I once again want to think Mimosa for her tireless efforts of editing. She is truly a gem! I also so appreciate the comments and feedback on this story. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. Annabella Grace