Persuasion

A Konosuba One-Shot By Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. Konosuba is the property of Natsume Akatsuki, Yen Press, and Drive. Please support the official release.

I really need to stop tempting fate. Or Eris. As kind, sweet, and amazing as she is... I mean, there is no one who, upon seeing some asshole walking towards a banana peel you know he's gonna slip on, will call out a warning.

Well maybe YunYun but she is too pure for this sinful Earth. And Eris, as wonderful a goddess as she is? She's not that perfect. If you had to work with Aqua, you couldn't be.

So I will admit, maybe it was kind of, sort of, slightly my fault that we took a job to a little farming village that just so happened to have a temple devoted to Aqua. It was the kind of quest you do just to grind some XP or money, nothing serious, but we needed the cash. I had hoped that after what happened the last time, Aqua might have learned her lesson and kept her mouth shut.

We weren't even going to the temple anyway, just hitting up the inn after slaying some local monsters. I'd been doing my level best to keep track of my party. I was putting in some genuine effort here. Really. Mom and Dad would be so proud.

I had introduced Megumin to the concept of "awesome poses" for her introductions, and her chuuni heart had eaten it all up. In exchange for more posing (and the promise of intro music), she'd behaved. Darkness was... Slightly more complicated, but I'd promised to pay for some Succubi dreams for her. She couldn't very well go in and ask for such things herself, being a Crusader.

I told her to write out what she wanted... Boy do I regret that.

(Even if I did star in most of her fantasies, some of them... Jeez, why does no fantasy world have psychologists?! Or mind healers, something!)

Aqua? I'd been holding some rare liquor over her head as a carrot to get her to stay away from the gambling houses. Look, I'd barely kept her out of becoming a sex slave twice. You'd think that once would be enough to keep her away from dice and cards, but noooo.

Even so, she'd been so eager to try this ultra rare liquor. Not even interested in the stat bonuses, just the booze. I thought it would be enough for her to behave herself.

I was wrong.

On one hand, as I said... Asshole tripping on a banana peel. Who could resist watching?

On the other... Now I had to get her out of it.

"This is bad," I muttered, as I looked over the angry mob carrying the squealing Aqua towards the town square.

"I could just Explode them all-"

"You exploded once already today, you loli psycho," I sighed. Megumin's scowl was diminished slightly by the fact she was on Darkness' back.

"Do not worry, Kazuma!" Darkness declared. "I will bravely throw myself into harm's way! I will accept the punishment by this angry mob! I will convince them to spare me the flames, and instead take out their outrage on my poor, defenseless body-"

"No, no, they're definitely in a fiery kind of mood, and I don't think even you are that kinky," I disagreed. Darkness' eyes lit up.

"I could be, with the right partner-"

"No, no, none of that, Lalatina," I ordered, enjoying her blush a bit more than I should have, "And as much as I might like the XP... Murdering a bunch of NPCs is a no-no."

"So what are we going to do?" Megumin asked sarcastically. "Convince them not to burn Aqua at the stake?"

I looked over my stat card, desperate for something. I'd been adding to the Rogue Skill tree for a while now. Fortunately, you did get some bonuses for sticking to one path. Megumin may have been insane to just keep putting all her points into one spell, but it did mean as she levelled it became stronger and stronger.

There's got to be something... Something...

My eyes lit up. A desperate hope entered my pounding heart.

Maybe... But...

I checked between some other skill trees I'd been feeding. My eyes lit up.

"Of course! I've got it! But you two need to back me up!"

I had to promise a lot. And Darkness? I'm not getting into what I had to do for her.

But they agreed. Just in time too. We made it to the square right as Aqua was tied up to the stake on top of a big pile of kindling. This was right on a statue of Aqua-An idealized form, naturally. So far from the truth that no wonder they were going to try to kill her.

I didn't know if they could, but best not to chance it.

They'd gagged her, thankfully. This plan was going to be hard enough to pull off without her shrieking.

"BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!" The mob chanted.

I used Lurk, staying inconspicuous... Until, with a dramatic flourish of my cape, I leaped up onto the raised platform of the statue in front of Aqua. She squealed in shock behind her gag, as I held my arms high and apart.

"WAIT!" I cried. "PEOPLE, PLEASE! PLEASE, HEAR ME! I BEG YOU! I BEG YOU! LISTEN TO ME!"

My voice boomed... And the mob quieted down. At least enough for me to be heard.

"Please, I beg you," I said. "Spare this woman. She is not what you think!"

"She claimed to be our goddess!" A villager shouted.

"She stole from my bar!"

"She claimed the temple donations for herself!"

... Goddamnit, Aqua.

"I know, I know," I said. "But please... Hear me out. She is the most precious person in the world to me! She changed everything for me! She is..."

Dramatic pause.

"My beloved wife! And what she has done, is not her fault!"

Aqua's indignant squawk was overwhelmed by the gasps of the crowd.

I held my hand to my face, and sniffled.

"Once... She was the light of my life," I cried, "We suffered many a hardship together, but she was always there for me! Smiling, laughing, encouraging! She would never say a harsh word to me, only encouragement so I could overcome my flaws! I thought I was the luckiest man in existence, the day she agreed to be my wife!"

I sniffled a bit, but manfully continued even as Aqua shrieked through her gag behind me.

"She was named for the goddess, you know! Her kindness, charity, frugality, self control, compassion-Sometimes even I thought I had been blessed by the Goddess herself! What could she possibly see in me?"

I shook my head.

"She even welcomed other women into our bed! Saying our family must grow!"

"Impossible!" A man shouted.

Darkness, thankfully, walked in just then, crying tears of joy.

"Yes! My beloved Master and Mistress took this worthless Crusader in, and treated me like the sex object I am!" She said brightly.

Megumin blushed heavily, but managed a nod.

"M-Me too," she managed.

May women looked scandalized, but the men were on my side at least. Now to keep swaying them.

"My wife was the best thing that ever happened to me," I sighed, "But... Alas... It happened."

"What? What?!" The crowd demanded.

"A fiendish demon cursed my beloved!" I wailed. "It was all my fault! She-She took a permanent intelligence stat debuff for me! FOR ME!"

I broke down into sobs.

"It turned her... Into a selfish, spoiled, idiotic drunk!" I cried, covering my eyes with my forearm, "She gambles our money away! She drinks herself to a stupor! She whines and cries about everything! She no longer wants to do her wifely duties! She leaves messes, she refuses to clean! She calls me a VIRGIN despite all our wonderful nights together! She thinks she's an actual goddess! CURSE THAT DEMON! CURSE HIM BACK TO HELL!"

Unbelievably, much of the crowd was beginning to sob with me. Darkness sobbed too. Megumin shed a few tears herself. Aqua was trying to chew through her ropes like a mad woman.

"He said that I would one day hate that which I loved," I continued, after a theatrical attempt to regain my composure, "That that would be the greatest torment I could suffer! To have met my soulmate, the most wonderful woman in the world... And grow to hate her."

I shook my head, and gave the crowd a hopeful smile.

"But... He didn't win completely," I said, "Every now and then... When she smiles, when she laughs, when she helps... I can see the old her inside. I know she's not gone. I know that the woman I love with all my heart and soul... Is still there."

I looked imploringly out at the mob.

"Please... Our beloved goddess Aqua wouldn't want you to punish an innocent for something that isn't her fault," I said. I now bowed my head. "Please... In the name of the Goddess... Forgive her! Because one day, I believe... True love will heal her! True love will conquer all!"

The crowd approached. I braced myself for violence, a hand sliding to my sword...

The village priest hugged me, tears running down his cheeks.

"Young man... You have moved us," he declared, "The Goddess must have been speaking through you! Cut her down! Please... Please, accept our sincerest apologies!"

"I... Yes... Th-Thank you!" I managed, grinning widely, "Thank you!"

Aqua was pulled down from the statue, untied, and her gag removed. She opened her mouth... And I grabbed her in a hug.

"Oh, my beloved wife~!" I cried.

"YOU BAS-!"

I kissed her. Right then and there.

I know what you're thinking: Me, Kazuma, the shut in. Who only knew the love of 2D girls and my left hand. Kissing some girl?

Especially a girl like Aqua? Oh sure, she's hot, absolutely. But her personality would kill the libidos of a million porn stars!

I just realized the obvious. If I didn't shut her up and convince everyone that my gigantic pile of bullshit was true... We were dead.

Well, more importantly, I was dead. And I didn't know how long it would take Aqua to revive me. Or if she could.

And as much as I want to see Eris again... Yeah. I'd put too much effort into this ridiculous charade to back out now.

So by process of elimination, me kissing her was literally the only way to survive. I guess I am willing to throw away every shred of dignity I have just to live.

I broke the kiss, panting hard. Was it good? Bad? No idea. Aqua was redfaced, gaping, and most importantly, silent.

"Are you all right, my beloved wife, whom I just saved from being burned at the stake?" I muttered, with a rather tense smile.

Aqua slowly nodded.

"Y-Yes... I'm... All right," she mumbled, still in shock. "How-?"

"Maxed out my Persuasion Skill," I muttered, "I had the Bardic Charisma boost too. Only way to make myself even halfway convincing."

She stared at me with gooey eyes.

"You... You spent all your skill points for me...?" She whispered.

She really did look cute like this-

ACK! None of that! Pesky, stupid feelings. Begone! This is Aqua, AQUA! Goddess of Debt, Alcoholism, and Idiotic Whining! Don't you dare find her charming!

"Hooray!" Darkness cried, hugging us all together, "OUR FAMILY IS INTACT!"

"URK!"

Geez. I thought Megumin was the chuuni. I guess Darkness felt the need to step in given Megumin was basically useless right now.

"Can you forgive us if we hold a celebration in your honor?" The town priest asked.

"Well-" I began, hoping to get us out of here gracefully.

"OF COURSE!" Aqua cried. "Only the best for my beloved husband and fellow mistresses~!"

... Okay, that was easier than I thought it would be. As we were led off to the temple, food and drink coming out and music starting up, I finally allowed myself to breathe normally again.

I was going to fully commit myself to the path of the Rogue. Chris will be pleased. I was going to make multiple donations to Eris's church, too, because no way in hell had Aqua helped that situation at all.

I could relax. Mostly. Seeing the happy faces of my partymembers was... Nice.

It was, in a sense, what I lived for beyond money, booze, and glory.

So maybe you'll forgive me for thinking the worst was over.

The next morning, I woke up with a hell of a hangover. I groaned at the sunshine pouring in through the windows of... Where was I?

It was a bed... I was naked... There were warm bodies on either side of me... Had I died and finally gone to Heaven?

(I don't care what Aqua said. She's so far from Heaven I wouldn't trust her if she said water was wet.)

I finally mustered the willpower to open my eyes.

Please don't be dudes, please don't be dudes...

A passed out, naked Aqua was cuddling to my left side. An equally unclothed Darkness was cuddled up to my right, sighing happily in her sleep. And Megumin, similarly devoid of clothing, was on top of me mumbling happily about "explosions".

As a punctuation to the calamity in front of me, all four of us wore rings. Wedding rings.

I sighed heavily and groaned, closing my eyes.

"Should've been a Monk," I muttered, "Should've been a Monk..."