The following days were kind of the same, the wasteland in her front yard looking tidier by the day. It was cathartic to work so much. Her mind was so focused on the task, she didn't even have the time to think about anything else really. Or maybe she just didn't let herself.
On Friday morning, it was raining. Her body was revolting from the previous days of abuse and Em needed a much deserved break. She decided to take a walk to the beach, selling her parsnips on the way, buying new crops.
It was so different from the city. The smell of rainy leaves and bloomed daffodils was overwhelmingly fresh in her nose as she breathed deep. She almost didn't take her raincoat to fully enjoy the experience. Walking at a slow pace, she took in every sensation she felt. The different sounds the raindrops made, falling on her coat and all around, her shoes in the mud and pavement, the wind that took a strand of her hair outside of the hood, lightly curling against water. Avoiding processions of slimy friends under her foot, watching them slowly but surely making their way across the sidewalk. Focusing meant not thinking. And she was okay with that.
After her errands, she made her way to the pier. The fisherman, Willy, gave her a free fishing rod. The people in this town really were that nice. Almost too nice, she thought. She couldn't help the caution she felt around acts of kindness, she wasn't used to it, at least not without ulterior motives. She couldn't let herself relax at all. Her eyes drifted on the horizon, as she plugged in her earpods, allowing her mind to wander without witnesses. The familiar sound and rhythm took her spiraling thoughts like autumn leaves in the wind.
Why can't I do it? It's not that hard. Accept some people just want to help. How did I think moving here would change anything? Now I just get to be anxious in a greener setting. The stillness, the heaviness in my chest. The frozen tears behind my eyelids, this... chronically melancholic heart of mine. When will it stop? I'm so tired.
She stared at the dark clouds forming above the horizon. She hoped they'd come over here and swallow her whole.
When everyone grows tired of the new farmer act, what will be left for you? Nothing. Nothing but a pretty pile of dust your Grandpa gave you. Everyone will see you're not capable enough, because you just cannot stop failing. Because you cannot even think without bringing yourself down and everyone with it.
She let out a small and shaky breath, absentmindedly tracing the regular scars on her forearm, looking at the waves crashing beneath her feet as her thoughts crashed against her ribcage, humming the song along. Singing for her was like trying to let her heavy heart slip through her throat and fall into the ocean. It was hopefully in tune, barely audible, and she never let anyone hear.
She was getting soaked but didn't really mind. Her attention was caught by small irregularities in the wood next to her. It seemed like she was standing next to the mysterious smoker spot. Burning marks were all stacked next to each other. Another deep thinker huh? She hoped he wasn't as bad of a thinker as she was. Em visibly couldn't be left unattended with her own thoughts. I'm so tired. Maybe I do really need that beer.
Looking at her phone, it was about 4 pm, right on time. She got up slowly and made her way to the saloon, her buzzing anxiety never leaving the back of her mind. As she pushed open the entrance door, she couldn't help the memory that suddenly came with the place.
Her and Grandpa, dining together to the sound of a vintage jukebox. A young, smiling Gus getting them their plates. The cheeky smile of the old man in front of her, stealing a fry from her plate. The smell of freshly baked goods and ale. The contagious laughter he made, as he pretended to eat it in front of her very outraged stare.
It was gone in seconds, and she felt her eyes water a bit. She missed him. Gathering her thoughts, she unplugged the music and waved politely at the man behind the counter.
"Hey Gus", she said.
"Em? Is that you?"
How could he remember? She barely did.
"Yes, hi. Long time no see... I guess."
He let out a very heartfelt laugh as he asked for some news and enquired about her move, telling her not to catch a cold with this rain. She wasn't as uncomfortable as she thought she would be, Gus was very good at making conversation feel lively without prying too much. She asked for a beer while patting her wet cheeks with her sweater and noticed the smallest tingle at the back of her neck. Someone is watching me. Old habits die hard, and she grew up in a household where every shift in the mood had the potential of becoming... something darker. She turned her head to the back of the bar, gazing over a few people until she saw him.
Almost hidden behind the pool table, a guy was standing. She immediately recognized the spiky dark hair that was covering half of his face. He had a dark purple oversized hoodie, black ripped skinny jeans and he was the one staring, she was sure of it. Meeting his gaze, he immediately found a deep interest in the pool stick he was holding. Did she see a flush? She was interrupted by a very loud golden retriever.
"Eeeeem! Hi, you made it!" Sam abruptly grabbed her shoulder which made her jump a bit.
"Um, hi Sam. Hi Abigail." She needed another beer.
"Please call me Abby, everyone does." She said with a light smile.
"And forgive Sam, he's just all around too excited." The falsely annoyed stare she gave didn't seem to have any effect on him.
"Come with us! Seb! Do you want anything?" He almost yelled at the back of the bar. Spiky hair left his arm, a pint in his hand.
"You can go and wait for us back there, we're just gonna order something." He smiled at her and waved her off.
Em was suddenly very aware of all the noise and proximity of other people as they came in, almost flooding the place.
She cautiously made her way to the pool table, sipping on her beer, and found a couch in the corner. She let out a small breath of relief as she sat and asked:
"So... you're Sebastian?" He didn't move, his eyes only slightly meeting her own.
"Yeah", he paused. "And you're Em".
Dark grey. With a hint of purple maybe. Is it even a possible eye color?
"So, of all the places you could move to, you chose Pelican Town."
She didn't miss the sour undertones of his statement and didn't really know what to make of it. Fortunately for her, Sam and Abby came back with drinks and a pizza.
"So! Are you ready for me to kick your ass? 'Cause I sure am."
Sam said with a smug grin on his face. Sebastian chuckled at his friend:
"As ready as I'll ever be. It'll be a nice change.
- Look just how cocky he is." He looked at Em. "He doesn't know what's coming for him.
- Or maybe you're just bad?"
That was the beer speaking. Sebastian let out a snort and Abby looked at her with an amused and surprised face all at once. She wanted to crawl down a hole, or maybe just drink another beer to erase the overthinking that went with her statement.
"Not you Em! I need someone to have my back for once." He said, with an exaggerated sigh, the corners of his lips went upwards though.
As the night went on, she watched them laugh and play, until she was up for a smoke break. She quietly left the pool table and went to the side of the building, fumbling in her pockets. The rain had stopped, and she could hear lonely drops falling here and there. The sky was clearing up too, letting some stars peek behind the heavy curtains. She never saw any stars at Zuzu. She heard the door again, and footsteps.
"Oh. I- um. Sam and Abby thought you left."
His voice was deep and velvety, and it sent the tiniest shiver down her neck. He took a deep drag on his cig, looking at her hand.
"Another fan of death sticks?"
She smiled at the nickname and turned herself slightly towards him to answer.
"Well, I guess it's mostly a bad habit. It just helps me clear my mind for a bit.
- I get that."
And somehow, she knew he did. She peeked at him, only to see a very calm and stoic expression. Was she imagining the hint of sadness she just heard? Meeting her eyes, she saw his cheeks turn a very pale shade of pink. This was so contradictory with the I'm-very-cool-and-edgy vibe he gave the rest of the time that she couldn't help but smile.
"We probably should get inside." She said, and he followed.
They were met with very drunk Abby confessing her undying love to the mines and crystals, and a not so drunk Sam, trying his best to get her out of the couch and on her way home. After a bit of fighting, they resolved the issue with Sam taking her home. Left in front of the bar, Em saw Sebastian pacing a bit on each of his feet. He looked indecisive.
"I can walk myself home, if that's what all of this is about." she said amused, vaguely gesturing at his posture. Too direct, maybe.
"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that, actually." He said, looking elsewhere.
"Well, suit yourself then."
And with that, she began to walk home. He followed her not quite behind, but a bit to the side, their footsteps echoing in the dark. She was grateful for the slight buzz of the alcohol numbing her anxiety fueled thoughts. She could almost sense them flipping and squirming at the back of her mind and was desperately looking for anything to keep them at bay.
"So, not so keen on Pelican Town?"
One single brow was lifted at her question.
"What makes you say that?
- The way you spoke earlier." She shrugged.
"Avoiding the question?
- Not really. I do feel kinda trapped here." He paused, looking at her.
"Living here my whole life, I just don't understand how anyone would choose that.
- And where would you rather be?"
She noticed the moon was out. Reflecting on his pale skin, it was almost shining. Focus.
"I plan to move in the city."
She forced a smile.
"Well... Good luck with that. I couldn't take it anymore."
He hummed pensively. Great. Let's overshare to a total stranger, that's brilliant.
The memory of the torture it had been at Joja, the drowsiness, lack of sleep and purpose went to her mind. Never again. As she walked, she let out a screech when her foot failed to find the step of her porch. He grabbed her hand and hip to prevent her from falling. She turned, her mind on high alert as she processed the foreign touch and forced herself out in a heartbeat.
"Ah I- um, sorry about that."
She let out a weak laugh cursing herself internally. She was never good at faking it.
"The beer might have gotten to me more than I thought." Her apologetic smile did not reach her eyes, she knew it. And looking at him, he knew it too. Fuck.
"Thank you for coming all the way here, I... I had fun." She said, hoping he wasn't mad.
"No problem." For a brief moment his face looked... somewhat pained.
"It was nice meeting you. See you around?
- Yeah. See you around."
She unlocked her door and when she was out of sight and sound, let out a legitimate groan. Another great first impression. She was way too sensitive, after all these years she should have found a way to not jump at the slightest touch. It wasn't even an unwanted one, he did prevent her from falling. Her eyes were itchy and her bed at arm's reach, she didn't even change her clothes when she crawled under the covers. Her full head of thoughts soon melting into the cushion and into oblivion.