Chapter 38: Dr. Robotnik's Mean Washing Machines
"C'mon, move it, already!" Shouted a prison guard.
"Work faster, ya lazy bum!" Yelled the other guard.
"I am working as fast as I can!" Eggman lied, gripping a drill with one hand and a wrench with the other. "These appliances may be simple for my eggsquisite brain, but given the quantity you slave drivers are making me fix, I'm starting to lose steam." The evil doctor wiped the imaginary sweat from his brow.
"He is right," Bocoe added. "You know when the Doctor gets tired because he starts sweating profusely."
"Indubitably," Decoe said on the doctor's other side. "Why, if Eggman doesn't get a shower tonight, I fear Bocoe and I may go haywire!"
Dropping his tools, Eggman hammered their hands through their torsos with his fists. The robotic minions were able to pull their heads out from their shoulders, however, with relative ease.
"No excuses," the first guard shouted, waving his baton in the air.
"This isn't one of your mad science experiments," added the second guard. "This is punishment for all the damage and mayhem you've caused!"
"Hey hey, I have rights you know!" Eggman shouted. "Doesn't the Constitution say something about cruel and unusual punishment?"
"You lost your right to hide behind the law after putting the President's life in danger," proclaimed the first guard.
Decoe turned to Eggman, who was grinding his teeth in frustration. "Maybe we should quit while we're ahead?"
"Yeah," Bocoe added. "You have nothing to gain from arguing with these simpletons."
"For once, you're right," Eggman replied as he picked up his tools and spun his chair around, returning to the conveyor belt feeding him an endless supply of broken household appliances. "I'll just continue plugging away in the depths of America's most notorious prison."
"That's Prison Island to you!" The first guard smashed his baton against the brick wall. "We are miles away from solid land, so nobody will be coming to your rescue."
"As if anyone would want to rescue you," the second added.
"Ha! Good one!" The two guards shared a fist bump. "C'mon, dude. It's time for our lunch break. Mind if I bum a smoke of ya?"
"You cheapskate…" The second guard pulled his box of cigarettes from his pocket as they left the warehouse section of the prison to enjoy some nicotine outside.
"What a bunch of jerks," Decoe said.
"Small men who think they're superior because they carry around a stick," Bocoe added, scoffing as much as a semi-monotone robot could.
Eggman wasn't listening to the commentary of his robotic henchmen, though. Instead, he continued plugging away at the broken household appliances, a grin across his face as he chuckled under his breath.
The two robotic brothers stared at each other dumbfoundedly. Bocoe asked, "Do you think Dr. Eggman has gone mad?"
"I do not know," Decoe replied, shrugging his metallic shoulders. "Maybe the manual labor has finally made him crack."
Peering back at the evil doctor, the two robots observed in wonder as Eggman seemed to be almost enjoying his work, a sense of delightfully devilish joy smeared across his mustachioed face he only gets when devising a scheme to put an end to that miserable hedgehog.
It was at that moment where it clicked for Decoe and Bocoe. Things were not as they seemed, and Eggman was far from cracked. In fact, he was in the process of hatching his most brilliant scheme to date.
"Yaaaaawn!"
Bokkun partially covered his mouth with the palm of his hand as he lied in Cream's bed staring at the ceiling, Cheese lying on a small cat-sized bed on the floor nearby. Peering across the room, the messenger robot watched as the young bunny studied a stack of papers on Helen's desk.
"I'm booooored." Bokkun yawned again. "Can we go do something like…have a tea party or play some Smash?"
"I'm sorry, Bokky, but I don't have the time," Cream replied.
"What are you working on anyway?" Bokkun asked as he pulled himself out of bed and approached the desk.
"Oh, just some homework," Cream replied. She proudly displayed a sheet of lined paper. "I'm learning cursive!"
"Your handwriting looks lovely!" Bokkun said.
"Thanks, sweetie," Cream replied, an UwU across her face.
"What's that?" Bokkun asked, pointing at another piece of paper, one that looked more complicated and formal.
"Oh, this?" Cream pulled it up. "It's a tax form."
"Tax form?" Bokkun tilted his head in confusion.
"I'm getting old," Cream explained. "In less than two years, I'll be eight years old! I'll move into my own apartment, maybe get a job..." The young bunny flicked the corner of the 1040 form with her finger. "I'll have to file taxes all by myself when the time comes, so I decided to get some practice in."
"That's very forward thinking!" Bokkun compliment before taking a seat on the nearby bean bag chair. "Do you find it odd how humans age far slower than Mobians?"
"Hmmmm…" Cream tilted her head in thought, itching her chin with her gloved fingers. "Yeah, it just goes to show the difference between us, but there's nothing wrong with that!"
"I just wish we had more time before we face adult responsibilities," Bokkun replied.
"Why so?" Cream asked.
"Could you imagine me with a real job?" Bokkun replied. "I don't even know what I would do."
"You could be…an accountant?" Cream replied. "They make pretty good money."
"Sounds boring," Bokkun replied, sticking a single finger into his mouth to imitate a vomit-inducing gag.
"Or maybe you could deliver the mail? You already have the experience!" Cream said delightfully, referring to the CRTV bombs he used to deliver to Sonic and his friends back when he worked for Dr. Eggman.
"That does sound less boring," Bokkun replied, raising a finger to his chin in thought.
"Regardless of what happens, I'm sure we'll be fine," Cream reassured. She pulled herself off her chair, approached the messenger robot, and gave him a small kiss on the forehead. "As long as we have each other, we won't have much to worry about."
"Yeah…" Bokkun blushed. "I suppose."
Cream giggled, not trying to hide the blush across her muzzle. "I could use a break, though. Why don't I take you up on that offer to play some Smash?"
"Ah yeah!" Bokkun returned to his feet. "Race ya to the TV!" The messenger robot bolted out of the bedroom.
"Hey, that's cheating!" Cream protested as she ran after him. Despite the head start, however, the two managed to crawl up the reclining chair simultaneously, a Joycon controller in their hands and the television booted on moments later.
Cream and Bokkun gamed for an hour straight, maintaining a roughly equal number of wins as they fought each other endlessly using various characters across different levels.
"Yeah, Pika Pika!" Cream imitated as she Down B'd Bokkun's Kirby, shocking the pink ball of adorableness with a thunderbolt that sent him flying off the scream.
"GAME!" The announcer called.
"Ah yeah, I win again!" Cream celebrated, jumping out of her seat and performing a happy dance, waving her arms sporadically as the virtual crowd cheered for the Pikachu waving at the screen.
Once the fanfare subsided, the young bunny returned to the recliner, snuggling next to her robotic boyfriend and closing her eyes. Bokkun blushed and smiled, admiring the love of his life sharing the same space together. Yawning once more, the messenger robot slowly closed his eyes too, feeling altogether content with the world.
Sitting in his single, small prison cell, Christopher Thorndyke was playing a harmonica…badly. Each note screeched from the slim instrument like nails on a chalkboard, and while the young boy was likely able to hear the protests coming from most of the other inmates, he almost certainly didn't care, as the "music" he was creating felt majestic and sublime to his distorted sense of taste.
"All right, Christopher, cough it up," said a security guard, who put his arm through the bars of the cell door. Chris replied by giving him the middle finger and continuing to play, causing the guard to grumble. "Do you want to be sent to solitary again?"
Stopping mid-note, Chris sighed and dragged himself out of bed to hand over the device.
"Just so you know, the spit lodged inside that harmonica is worth several times more than your net worth."
"I'll…keep that in mind," he replied as he pinched the instrument with two fingers, carefully transferring it to a plastic bag. "It's bad enough you've been stuck here because no lawyer's willing to represent you in court, but try not making the others' lives miserable, okay?"
"I'd say my eloquent music only serves to improve their lives," Chris replied with a smirk.
"Whatever you say," the guard concluded, shrugging his arms before leaving the toxic smug cloud that waffled out of Chris' prison cell.
"Man, I'm bored," Chris complained as he returned to his bed, resting his back on his pillow. He knocked on the wall separating his cell from his neighbor. "Hey, you want to enter into a friendship contract? I'm willing to pay top dollar."
"Go to hell," his neighbor replied.
"Already there, buckaroo," Chris said under his breath, sighing heavily before closing his eyes.
The young boy reflected on the events that landed him in prison. Seeing Sonic's rise in popularity, the self-entitled, jealous brat rescued Eggman after his headquarters was destroyed by Sonic and friends[1], giving the evil genius refuge in one of his parents' facilities. Little did he know that the partnership would crumble when Eggman openly betrayed him, refusing to rescue him after he was defeated by the hands of Helen in a mech battle in the Station Square municipal park and arrested thereafter.[2] In fact, the events that followed resulted in Earth's first Chaos Control[3], not only bringing Angel Island to this planet but also letting in a slow stream of Mobian animals.[4]
"If only I had my varmint rifle," Chris said as he chuckled at the idea of hunting them like pheasants in the fall. "Welp, once I'm rescued from this hellhole, maybe I'll take up the hobby…and surprisingly, despite being utterly humiliated by Helen and those freaks…I kinda miss her…the flow of her hair, the beauty of her voice…if only she took me up on that offer for free healthcare in exchange for a date."
The young boy muttered himself to sleep with his hands propping up his head, but nearly as soon as he fell asleep, he was awoken by the clangs of a prison guard's baton against the metal of the cell door. "Wake up, prisoner. You've got a visitor."
"A visitor?" Chris mumbled as he returned to consciousness. "A secret admirer perhaps? Maybe it's Helen!" He cleared his throat and spit into his palm, sleeking his hair back to make a good first impression since his arrest. He proceeded to follow the guard out of the cell into a small room separated by a table, an enforced, transparent divider allowing for conversations between the confined and the free.
"Hello, Mr. Thorndyke," Tanaka greeted from the chair on the opposite side.
"Oh, it's just you," Chris replied with a sigh. "What do you want? Just to let you know, I didn't read the cards you sent me. In fact, I threw 'em away!" Recounting this story made the young boy smirk.
"That's not why I'm here," Tanaka replied. "I'm here because your parents negotiated a deal with the judge overseeing your case."
"Oh really?" Chris snickered. "I wonder how much my life was worth to the judge? Maybe a few billion dollars at least? With that kind of bribe, she could immediately retire, although that may look a tad bit suspicious."
"There were no payouts," Tanaka clarified.
"Really?" Chris raised a single eyebrow, confused how an arrangement of such magnitude couldn't have ended with a bribe.
"Your parents convinced the judge that you're not a bad kid but was, rather, susceptible to internet propaganda and, ultimately, the influence of Dr. Eggman."
"So they threw my former upstart assistant under the bus, aye?" Chris chuckled. "Serves that double crosser right! I'll be out free while he rots in prison!"
"There is a catch," Tanaka said.
"Oh?" Chris tilted his head.
"The judge doesn't want to see a kid so young thrown in jail for the rest of his life, no matter the gravity of his actions, but she also wants you to learn from your mistakes and grow into a better person."
Chris fell out of his chair and started rolling on the floor laughing.
"Haha, better person! That's rich…riiiich I tell ya!" He slapped his knees as he continued rolling across the floor.
"The judge was being serious," Tanaka replied, "and her reputation even took a major hit for it. News broke of this story only a few hours ago, and activists across the political spectrum are calling on the judge to resign. In any case…" Tanaka pushed his glasses up his nose. "…the judge is allowing you to walk free on the condition you attend group counseling, engage in individual therapy, and perform 300 hours of community service."
Chris laughed harder, rolling so aggressively into the wall that he passed out.
Several minutes later, after a group of guards carried Chris out to Tanaka's limousine, the young boy awoke to find himself in the passenger seat. On the way home, the young boy complained about how his head hurt, seemingly refusing to admit that his own antics caused him to fall unconscious.
Reaching his parents' gated estate, Tanaka exited the limo and opened the passenger door to reveal Chris, still in his orange jumpsuit (the guards would've collected the attire upon checkout, but they just wanted to see him gone). Stepping into the entryway of his parents' mansion, he was greeted to the sight of the household maid Ella.
"Greetings, Mr. Thorndyke," Ella said, bowing to the junior master of the household. "Your favorite dinner will be ready momentarily." Chris merely grunted as he walked by her. "Oh, and one more thing: your parents will be home in a few minutes."
"Huh?" This news caught the attention of the young boy.
"That's right," Ella continued. "They thought that their son's freedom after three months of imprisonment warranted a small vacation from their jobs."
"Well I'll be damned." Chris was almost in awe at the news. His parents were always working and away on various trips; his father owned a megacorporation spanning several industries while his mother was a famous actress.
"I know you haven't seen them in a while, so I would recommend changing out of your prison outfit," Ella suggested.
"Oh, right," Chris replied, not giving his maid his signature sass. Instead, the young boy headed for his freshly cleaned room. Throwing the orange jumpsuit on the floor, he took a quick shower in his adjoining restroom and put on his signature red shirt with jeans. Just as he was combing his messy hair, there was a knock at his bedroom door.
"Dinner's ready," Ella called. "Hurry up before it gets cold."
The boy wore a smile as he left the bedroom. To any outside observer, not knowing his personality or record of criminal and unethical activity, he had the appearance of any normal kid with childlike wonder.
He hopped down the stairs and made his way to the large dining room, where various burgers were laid out, a tall cup of Mountain Dew Baja Blast freshly poured next to Chris' seat. He sat down and stared at the freshly prepared burger with all his favorite toppings.
As he was about to pick up the large burger, his parents arrived.
"Nelson and Lindsey Thorndyke, welcome!" Ella greeted as she pulled both their chairs out, which were both across from their son. Of course, they were not interested in taking their seats, or even the food prepared for them, but, rather, the son they hadn't seen in months.
Chris barely had the chance to stand before Lindsey gave him a big hug.
"Hey, kinda suffocating here," Chris complained as his mother loosened the hug and gently pulled herself away.
"Good to see you again, son," Nelson said as he ruffled the young boy's hair.
"Hey, quit it, I just combed," Chris complained with a giggle.
For a few fleeting moments, the vitriolic nastiness that became interwoven into the psyche of the Thorndyke heir had ceased, replaced with the joy of a lost kid reuniting with his parents.
"Oh ye gods!" Vanilla exclaimed as she discovered smoke billowing from her oven. Opening the oven door, she coughed as she swiped away the smoke with her gloved hand until she could get a good view of the smoldering tray burning within. "My casserole is ruined!" She removed the dish from the oven and placed it on the stovetop to cool, making sure to turn the oven off so the house wouldn't catch fire.
Vanilla's scream caught the attention of Cream and Bokkun, who jumped out from their recliner to aid the motherly rabbit. They were immediately joined by Helen and Chuck, the former who was studying in her bedroom and the latter who was occupied in the basement.
"Sorry to startle everyone," Vanilla said as she covered the blush across her face. "I don't usually mess up when I cook, but I must've left my casserole in the oven for too long."
"Wow, something really must be wrong," Cream replied. "I've known mamma my entire life, and not once has she ever made a mistake while cooking."
"Well, at least not ones you've noticed," Vanilla replied, running her gloved hands through her hair.
"You know…" Chuck stepped closer to the oven, inspecting its exterior. "I burnt a dish too the other day, even though it's something I've made hundreds of times."
"What are you suggesting, grandpa?" Helen asked.
"I'm suggesting that the oven itself may be malfunctioning," Chuck replied as he gently pulled the appliance outward slightly, just enough to wedge himself behind the oven. He then unplugged it and opened a small door behind to reveal the wiring and motherboard of the contraption. "Hmmmm…" Chuck activated the flashlight on his phone to study the motherboard more closely. "What the…"
"Is something the matter, Mr. Chuck?" Cream asked, climbing onto the counter to check on the elderly human.
"I don't believe it…" He reached into the oven to observe a component more carefully on the motherboard, but just as his finger made contact, he was shocked, sending his hair in a frenzy and making his body glow a majestic blue, even giving the party a clear view of his skeleton, before the shock subsided, leaving the aging scientist coughing up smoke.
"Oh no, are you okay?" Helen asked.
"I-I'm fine…" Chuck pulled himself up, squeezed himself out from behind the oven, and slid to the floor below, letting some smoke escape his throat as if he had a particularly potent hit of marijuana. "I just need a moment…"
"What did you find back there?" Bokkun asked, tilting his head in confusion.
"What I saw was completely and utterly shocking…no pun intended." The entire party cringed at Chuck's joke. "No, what I saw was a component grafted onto the motherboard with Dr. Eggman's insignia!"
"Dr. Eggman!?" The party gasped in surprise.
"But I thought he was locked away?" Helen complained.
"On a maximum security island no less," Vanilla added.
"Dr. Eggman is a cockroach," Bokkun opined. "No matter what happens, he always finds a way to come back."
"That doesn't explain how Eggman's technology made its way into our oven," Helen replied. "Grandpa, didn't we just get this oven?"
"As a matter of fact," Chuck scratched his chin in thought, "we did! The old one was also on the fritz, so we found a refurbished oven for cheap."
"So that explains it, then!" Helen smashed her fist into the open palm of her other hand. "Eggman must've gotten his hands on broken appliances and installed his components into them. The only questions now are…how and why?"
"In some prisons," Chuck replied, "the incarcerated are forced to perform relatively menial tasks for low wages. In this case, they are likely using Eggman's technical prowess to fix appliances, but they were too careless to check his work."
"So now what remains…" Bokkun tapped his foot on the tiled floor while crossing his arms. "…is why?"
"Well, I'm sure there's more to it than minor inconveniences," Vanilla replied. "There's something more nefarious going on…I can feel it. Call it…a mother's intuition."
The party stared at the oven, the odor from the charred hotdish still lingering in the kitchen.
"Well, we can't really figure it out on an empty stomach, now can we?" Chuck asked as he reached for his smartphone once more. "Who wants pizza?"
"I do!" Cream and Bokkun shouted simultaneously as they raised their arms in excitement. "I want Hawaiian!" They said at the same time, earning a collective chuckle from the rest of the party.
"Okay, okay, I'll get you some Hawaiian." Before the aging scientist could begin dialing their phone number, however, he heard a rumble coming from the oven. "What the hell was that?" The party felt the disruption from the unplugged appliance. Despite the lack of electricity, the oven powered on, the burners turning orange and the elements inside pre-heating. The oven proceeded to hop toward the party, opening its front door as it made its way toward Cream, its closest victim.
"Chao, chao!" Cheese shouted as they hurled themself into the kitchen from their late afternoon nap, swooping under the oven's open door and pushing it shut.
"Cheese!" Cream shouted.
"Chao chao!"
"Cheese, watch out!"
"Chao?" Cheese spun around to find the evil oven setting its sight on them. Before the oven could run them over, however, the young bunny grabbed her pet and ran out of the kitchen, joined closely behind by the rest of the party. The oven followed until they were all outside in the driveway, the oven still hopping along, dead set on taking them out.
"So this was Eggman's goal," Chuck said as he maintained space between himself and the rogue appliance. "A strange plan coming from him, but if he had nothing else to work with, I guess it makes sense."
"Grandpa, look!" Helen shouted as she pointed at the neighbors across the street; a family of four who ran out of the house while getting chased by a vacuum cleaner.
"There, too!" Bokkun observed, finding several of the other neighbors in the immediate area escaping their homes, various appliances chasing after them.
"This is ridiculous," Chuck opined. "For starters, how could all our neighbors have recently gotten their appliances refurbished?"
"We can answer that question later," Helen replied as she pressed some keys on the armrest of her wheelchair. "I'm gonna put a stop to these evil machines." Her wheelchair transformed into her trusty Helengelion, the young girl now overlooking the party while using her Nintendo Switch Pro controller to dash forward, kicking their oven into the street, landing on its side. The oven tipped itself back up, and without skipping a beat, the dented appliance made its way to the party once more.
"Now it's my turn," Cream declared. "You ready, Cheese?"
"Chao, chao!" The chao landed in Cream's palms, allowing their owner to cup them into a ball.
"Time to say goodnight, Mr. Oven!" Cream shouted as she launched the chao with deadly speed toward the appliance. Instead of trying to dodge, however, the oven opened its door, letting Cheese inside before promptly shutting it. The chao bounced around like a pinball before coming to a rest on the rack in the middle.
"Cheese!" Cream shouted as she rapidly approached the oven.
"Chao!" Cheese shouted through the transparent door, pounding from the inside using their stubby hand, but they were unable to set themself free.
The preheated oven turned the heat up to 500 degrees Fahrenheit.
"Cheese! I'll save you," Cream promised before charging a spindash, launching herself directly at the oven. Colliding with the door, she made a crack in the glass, allowing Cheese to punch through the weakened door and roll out toward freedom.
There was no time to celebrate yet, however, for the oven started hopping toward the party once more, its digital display depicting eyes with a furrowed brow.
"Try this on for size!"
The party shifted their focus to Bokkun, who ran toward the oven with a small television in his hand. Tossing it into the open appliance, the messenger robot quickly slammed the door shut and dove backward. "Everyone get down!"
Cream, Cheese, Vanilla, and Chuck ran in the opposite direction and dove away while Helen watched from the safety of her mech suit.
The disguised bomb exploded, completely destroying the oven and sending pieces of metal in every direction. When the smoke cleared, what remained of the oven was its base, the rest of what previously comprised the appliance now spread across the entire driveway, front yard, and road.
"That's one down," Helen declared as she cracked the metallic knuckles of her mech suit, observing the household appliances chasing after her neighbors.
"Dozens more to go."
"Wooahhooohoohooo!"
Eggman's laugh bellowed throughout the brick halls of his prison, flanked on either side by Decoe and Bocoe and an army of various household appliances behind him. An entire squad of prison guards were tied up with a rope, and the other inmates were running wild, destroying as much property as they could using their newfound freedom awarded to them by the evil genius.
"Why, oh why would these humans trust the greatest mastermind on the planet with appliance repair? Why, it was like giving an arsonist a flamethrower!" The evil doctor laughed once more as the prisoners sat silently on the floor, watching as Eggman gloated above them.
"You sure showed them, Doctor!" Decoe complimented.
"Yeah, they were no match for your superior intellect," Bocoe added.
"You'll never get away with this!" A guard spit at Eggman's feet.
"Gross…" Kicking the guard in the face with his soiled boot, Eggman proceeded to leave the open common area, followed closely behind by his mechanical servants.
"Should we depart, Doctor?" Bocoe asked.
"We have already secured a speedboat for your exit," Decoe added.
"Not yet…" Eggman led the two down several flights of stairs before they reached the very bottom of the island prison facility. Pulling out the identification card he stole from one of the guards, he gained entry to a closed off section of what otherwise appeared to be a long-forgotten basement storage area. He then reached another door, one that was purely metallic and cold as ice, mist escaping from underneath. There was a single alphanumeric touchpad serving as the final key.
"Let's see…what was his password again? Ah yes…M-A-R-I-A…"
Entering in the series of letters, the door slowly opened, revealing an ice-cold room with a single cryogenic pod in the middle. Above the pod was an old, dusty sign which simply read:
Project Shadow
1: See Chapter 17 of A Bridge Between Worlds.
2: See Chapter 33 of Bridge.
3: See Chapter 34 of Bridge.
4. See Chapter 35 of Bridge.