~Fourteen~

"So," Marco said while the two of them were standing next to the rented car, both getting back on what articles of clothing they'd pulled off not long before. "You don't need any advice in the driving department. And you definitely don't need any help in any...other department," he added while smoothing his dark hair back. Some of it had been getting stuck to his forehead by the sweat that had beaded up on his skin.

"You'd be surprised," Cloud retorted softly as he was pulling his long-sleeve shirt back on over his muscle tee. He left his racing jacket off.

It was a pretty warm night, and even though they were out in the wasteland several miles away from the city's edge, the lights of Midgar still seemed to ward off total darkness. That was the first time he'd had sex out there after a race and although out in the open, they were far enough away from the meeting spot for the race that he hadn't had to think about anyone or anything interrupting them. He did question himself though about how he could think it was a good or acceptable idea to drive out into the wasteland alone with Marco outside of screaming distance from anyone who would hear him if there was trouble.

"I feel so useless," Marco told him lightly as he stood close to him. "You gotta tell me what I can do to make it up to you," he spoke just above a whisper while wrapping his arms around him from behind.

Cloud felt his hands slide down the front his stomach to his waist and lower but he stopped them there. "Nothing," he said as he turned around to face him.

"Nothing?" Marco spoke in question as he placed his one hand on the car instead.

"You heard right," Cloud told him before gently pushing him back from him a little. For a moment he'd felt a little confined with the car behind him, the open door at his one side and Marco's arm on the vehicle at his other side. Marco's hand dropped from the car as he stepped back.

"You didn't even get to finish," Marco said. "Just feels kind of one-sided. I want you to get something out it too."

"Who says I don't?" Cloud said back to that.

"I dunno, I just think—" Marco started to respond and he sighed.

"You think too much," he said, cutting the guy off. "More than you talk."

Marco just smiled a little uneasily, looking away a moment. As Cloud moved past him to head around to the passenger's side of the car, Marco reached into the open door onto the dashboard for his cigarette case. After sparking up one of the same sweet smelling cigarettes he'd had a few nights earlier he hoisted himself up on the hood of the car to lay back against the windshield.

"You in a hurry to get back?" he asked Cloud after a moment of him standing to the side.

"Guess not," Cloud replied after thinking on it a second. There wasn't really anything to get back to. His bike. But he was pretty sure no one was going to mess with it. He set himself down next to Marco on the hood and looked up at the night sky.

"You know, everyone thinks more than they talk," Marco broke the silence after a minute. He chuckled a little at his own comment and Cloud rolled his eyes. "It's pretty clear right now," he remarked then. It was. More stars visible than seemed the norm. "You know there's places in the world you can see thousands of stars."

With a light scoff, Cloud responded. "You're kidding," he said sarcastically. Marco shushed him and he smirked to himself.

"Were you scared at all tonight?" Marco asked him then after another moment. "When you lost control up there on the cliffs?"

He shrugged a little against the car, his arms crossed loosely in front of him. "I didn't feel that out of control," he stated simply.

"But when you were sliding toward that edge…" Marco said. "You could have gotten hurt," he pointed out. "There wasn't a moment when you worried?"

He thought about it and shook his head. "Not really," he denied. He supposed he'd been a bit concerned but mostly with what to do or how to take action to recover in the moment.

"Being that close to the edge didn't scare you?" the guy asked skeptically.

"No," he said in return. "I wouldn't have wanted to go over but...I dunno, guess that's not really the kind of thing that scares me," he concluded. Having to revisit the place Zack had nearly been killed was the only thing that had really scared him up there. He waited for Marco to say something else and when he didn't he turned his head to look at him. The guy took a light inhale from his cigarette but just appeared to be thinking. "That couldn't possibly have bothered you," Cloud said then. "Your family owns a brand. You must have been to hundreds of races before or seen them broadcast."

"Yeah," Marco agreed. "But it's different when it's someone I know," he said.

"You don't know me," Cloud was quick to respond. "Any more than you know the riders you sign on."

"Well I guess I just feel like I do," Marco replied.

"Well, you don't," Cloud reiterated, crossing his arms a little tighter.

"Fine," Marco said to that, giving in. He lifted his one arm to try and put it around him.

"What are you doing?" Cloud asked, his tone sharper than he intended.

"Am I not allowed to hold you?" the guy asked through a smile.

"Why do you want to?" Cloud questioned almost suspiciously as he sat himself up, lifting his shoulders and head from the windshield.

"Why not?" Marco said with a shrug. "You won't let me do anything else for you so if holding you is all I can do to let you know I'm not just all about me…"

"You think that's somehow not self-serving?" Cloud shot back at him.

"What are you talking about?" Marco asked as he pushed himself upwards as well.

"Well what? You really think the holding is for me?" Cloud inquired sharply. "What's that supposed to do for me? I don't want or need that from you," he declared.

"Okay, sorry, it was a mistake," Marco responded through another smile, not really taking his reaction as seriously as Cloud expected him to.

Annoyed, Cloud moved himself off of the car then, ready to go back to where his bike was parked. "You driving back or am I?" he asked and Marco took one last quick puff from his cigarette before tossing it.

"Hey, you aren't actually mad are you?" he asked as he got himself down from the hood as well.

"No," Cloud denied without looking at him but he did turn to face him from the opposite side of the car. "Is this a thing you do?" he asked then.

"What?" Marco replied, shaking his head with confusion.

"Pick out someone from a bar every time you're on business somewhere to keep you 'company' for the week?"

The guy grinned a little sheepishly. "I mean I don't want to lie and say it's never happened, but it's not like a habit or anything," he admitted uneasily. "What's going on?" he asked.

"I just don't get what you're doing," Cloud said back to him simply but Marco didn't seem to be getting it.

"What do you mean?" he replied.

"You're leaving," Cloud told him and finally he did seem to understand. Still, he tried to appear casual about it.

"Yeah," he agreed slowly. "But not for a few days."

"But you're leaving," Cloud repeated. "So what the hell would I want you holding me for?" he questioned.

Marco leaned forward on the car hood then, resting his elbows on it. He sighed and looked out to the horizon. "I get what you're saying," he said quietly. "I guess I just…I thought we were having fun together," he stated almost dejectedly.

"Yeah, it has been, I guess," Cloud agreed after a moment. "I guess then that's all it should be," he advised.

"I understand," Marco said when he finally looked at him again. "I'll drive us back," he said, standing himself straight again and moving to get into the driver's seat. Cloud got in the car after him and endured a pretty quiet and awkward ride back to where his bike was.

When he parted ways with Marco that night to go back home, he decided that was probably the last he was going to see or hear from him. He couldn't see a point in contacting him again and he doubted Marco would reach out after the way things ended out in the wasteland. It actually surprised him when he received some text messages from him around mid-morning when he was on his way to a therapy appointment.

'Sorry about last night' was the message that lit up on his phone while he was walking to the office building.

'What are you sorry about?' he texted back.

'Don't really know. For some reason just felt like it needed to be said' was Marco's reply.

'There's nothing to be sorry for' he typed back.

That was true. The guy hadn't actually done anything wrong. It was really his own problem to deal with. Maybe it was normal to Marco to spend days in a row with some random person treating them like they'd known each other forever and didn't have a care in the world, but that wasn't normal for him. He'd never planned on having a conversation with the guy let alone spending time with him over multiple days or nights.

'I know I'm leaving but there's still time left...'

He scoffed at Marco's last text before shoving his phone in his pocket. Time for what? he thought dully while opening the door to the therapist's office. He left the message unanswered.

During his appointment he thought about telling Mia about Marco and also about his sexual activities over the past months. He didn't really feel it was as big a deal as Zack and Tifa thought it was. He wasn't really regretting any of it yet. And who was Marco, anyway? He'd hooked up with other people before on multiple occasions. He hadn't spent much time hanging out with them apart from the sex but still, what made him any different? What was the point of mentioning someone who was basically already out of his life? He decided there wasn't one and didn't bother bringing it up. All he ended up really talking to Mia about was the latest race and how he was going to start searching for another job. After his appointment he went to get lunch at the café nearby. Zack called him while he was eating.

"Hey, buddy, how was your appointment?" Zack asked when he answered.

"Same as usual," he replied. "What's up?"

"Are you busy tonight?" Zack inquired.

"Uh, no, why?" he said back, not able to guess at why he'd be asking. Zack was working, he thought. He hadn't been planning on anything specific to do with his time but thought he might just go to one of the bars Rick and his few other acquaintances frequented.

"You mind checking in on Kunsel maybe around eleven or eleven-thirty? Everyone's working and I don't really like the idea of sending Aerith over at that time of night," Zack said but was quick to go on. "I mean, I don't really like the thought of sending you either but—"

"It's cool, I get it," Cloud cut him off. "Yeah, I can do that," he said. He liked the idea of having a specific task, even if he was a little apprehensive, not having talked to Kunsel in person yet.

"Hopefully he's just sleeping or chilling but could you bring him some takeout or something in case he's not?" Zack asked him.

"Sure," he agreed.

"Thanks, Spikey. Umm…" Zack started to say but just trailed off then.

"What?" he asked.

"Um…" Zack repeated. "No, nothing, never mind," he said then.

"Okay," Cloud replied, knowing it was a weird response from Zack.

"It's just," Zack said after a quiet moment. "If he seems off…"

"Kunsel?" Cloud questioned when Zack seemed to be faltering with his explanation.

"Yeah," Zack confirmed.

"That's kind of to be expected isn't it?" Cloud asked back.

"No, yeah," Zack said quickly. "Exactly. Alright, I'll talk to you again in a bit," he said.

"Talk to you later," Cloud said.

Zack's uneasiness about Kunsel on the phone certainly wasn't comforting but Zack was also a worrier. He figured it would probably be a relatively quick and easy visit over at Johnny's place where he, Rayna and Reno had been living together. The night before he'd found it a little strange when Reno revealed Kunsel would be staying at their place instead of with Zack and Aerith but when he thought on it again later he realized it just made more sense because Johnny's place had an actual room and bed for him. He'd be stuck on the couch at Zack's.

He picked up a sandwich from a late-night deli before heading over to Johnny's. He, Rayna, and Reno all worked nights, just like Zack and Tifa. Aerith worked early mornings on the plate, so even though Zack didn't want Aerith walking the streets late at night, she was also probably in bed by eleven. He was hoping, as Zack had said, that Kunsel would be in bed as well, getting some rest. He wasn't.

When Cloud got to the building, he knocked a few times before trying the door. He found it unlocked and when he opened the door to step inside he saw Kunsel slumped down into the one couch in the living room with a bottle of what looked like maybe gin wedged between him and the arm of the couch. He looked Cloud's way but didn't say anything. He was holding his head up in his hand and appeared to be at least a little intoxicated. It was difficult to tell but his eyes seemed heavy. Besides that, he looked a little better than when Cloud had seen him the other night. He was cleaner at least.

"Hi," he said, shutting the door behind him.

"There's no one here but me," Kunsel told him with his eyes on the television.

"I know," he said as he walked toward him and the other couch adjacent to him.

"Then what are you doing here?" Kunsel inquired almost uninterestedly.

"Zack asked me to check on you," he said truthfully. "Bring some food," he said. He set down the bag in his hand on the cushion next to Kunsel before taking a seat on the other couch.

"Not the worst thing you've been asked to do, suppose," Kunsel remarked. Cloud wasn't sure what he meant by that. If it was supposed to be some kind of dig at him or not, but it felt like one. The guy still hadn't looked at him since first glancing briefly his way at the door. He ignored the bag next to him.

"Are you supposed to have that?" Cloud asked about the bottle of alcohol that he watched Kunsel lift to his mouth to drink straight from.

"Is anyone really supposed to?" he retorted. "You were in the ambulance," he said then.

"Yeah. I was on the train. I'm why you went to the hospital," Cloud told him.

Kunsel nodded. "How you doing?" he asked, his eyes finally shifting Cloud's way again briefly.

"Okay," Cloud said simply.

"You're all...back to you?" Kunsel asked, slurring a little with his words that time.

"I guess, yeah," Cloud said. It was kind of a silly question to be asked. Of course, he'd never be back to him, whatever that meant. Not a 'him' that he would have chosen for himself. Neither would Zack, and neither would Kunsel probably.

"Zack said you were in some coma for a while," Kunsel revealed and he nodded.

"Yeah."

"And you got all your memories back," he said. "Of everything?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Cloud confirmed.

"You happy about that?" Kunsel asked him then before taking another swig of the gin.

"It hasn't been easy, but yeah," Cloud confirmed. "I'd rather have them than not."

Kunsel shrugged to that and looked away from him again, back at the television that was muted. Cloud realized then it had been when he walked in. "Heard you made a run for it with Genesis after I left. Stole a helicopter and the Jenova remains. Set Sephiroth loose," Kunsel recounted.

The words felt like they were sinking deep into Cloud when they hit him. There was something that felt like an accusation in Kunsel's tone, but he considered he was just misreading things.

"From Zack?" he asked and Kunsel nodded again.

"Filled me in on some things I missed out on or just didn't know," the guy said. "Some…things," he repeated a little softer. "Heard what Rand did," he said then and at just the mention of the man's name Cloud's stomach felt like it was falling. Kunsel looked at him again through a half-lidded gaze. "All that time we spent together training and you never mentioned he was making you do him?" he said.

Cloud was shocked by the words. Shocked by everything. The man's expression that he couldn't read. Was it disgust? Pain? Shame? He couldn't tell. Shocked by the tone of his voice. Sharp, again with that hint of accusation he thought he could hear. He found himself looking down at the floor. "Zack said that?" he managed to finally ask. His hands were clasped tightly together between his knees. His palms were sweating.

"I was your mentor," Kunsel said and that time the tone wasn't hard to read. He sounded disappointed. "If you had said something, I might have been able to help," he said. Cloud didn't know what to say to that. He was struggling with how to reply when Kunsel asked him "Why didn't you?"

"What?" he asked, looking up at Kunsel, forcing himself to face him again though it was hard to do without tears welling up in his eyes. He couldn't decide what he felt the strongest. Anger, sadness, or shame.

"Why didn't you say something?" Kunsel asked him. "Were you trying to protect him? You did a good job protecting the president, Hojo…" he pointed out almost casually, matter-of-factly.

Cloud's mind was racing. He found himself digging back and back deeply into what he remembered of being at Shinra with the implant still in his head. He forced himself to think of the day of the parade, how he'd taken bullets to protect the people who'd been responsible for his torture for years. Struggled to try and think of how to explain and put to words that reason for Kunsel. If it weren't for the guy interrupting his thoughts with his next words he might have continued on that pointless and needless task of trying to justify himself in that moment.

"How do you live with knowing all the things you did?" the man asked.

Cloud didn't know if it was really a question or just a statement. He didn't know if it was meant as an accusation or as a genuine inquiry. Kunsel sounded sad as he said it but that was all he could determine. He felt sick and confused, and just…disheartened at seeing as Reno had put it, how far Kunsel had fallen because of Shinra. Was that partly his fault? If he hadn't taken those bullets meant for the president that day at the parade would things have been different for Kunsel now?

He had tears building in his eyes that Kunsel didn't see because the man wasn't looking at him anymore. He was glad for that. "Uh, I'm gonna go," he told his one-time mentor. He cleared his throat a little as he got to a stand. "It's good to see you," he made himself say, and it was, even if it had also been awful.

"No, it's not," Kunsel retorted when his back was turned. He was already on his way to the door and he didn't bother to turn back. His tears were sinking down over his cheeks and he didn't want him to see that so he left without looking back. He wiped at his cheeks then. He forced down everything he was feeling outside of his anger and headed toward Tifa's bar.

Things were just starting to get a little busier that time of night. He locked his sights on Zack when he walked in. Joey, Tifa's long-time employee was also working. He didn't see Tifa though. Zack didn't seem to notice him until he was standing right at the bar counter.

"Hey, buddy, whatcha doin' here?" he asked while picking up a few empty bottles from the counter and dropping them into the one bin nearby.

"I need to talk to you," he said.

"Okay just one second," Zack replied, not looking at him.

"Right now," Cloud demanded and the seriousness of his tone drew Zack's eyes to him fast.

"Okay," he said. He looked over at Joey once before following Cloud toward the end of the bar counter and then through the doors to the back kitchen area.

"What's up, is everything—" he started to ask and Cloud cut him off quickly.

"You told Kunsel about what happened between me and Rand?" he fired at Zack. He watched his friend's face fall a little but he shook his head then.

"What?" he asked.

"Zack," was all Cloud said to that. While he hadn't been specific, there was no way Zack wouldn't know what he was referring to when he said 'what happened between' them.

Again Zack shook his head. "No," he denied, his hands on his hips. But he exhaled heavily immediately afterward. "Maybe indirectly," he corrected himself with his eyes closed. "We were talking about the asshole and him maybe going missing at that reactor and the circumstances leading up to that…and Kunsel questioned it…he sort of just guessed. I didn't know what to say," he finally admitted. "I'm sorry, Spike, I—"

"That's messed up, Zack!" Cloud told him angrily and Zack nodded.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to tell him, I know it's not my place," he stated surely. He tried to place a hand on Cloud's shoulder but he moved away from it. "He cares about what happened to you though. He feels guilty about leaving you at Shinra, about not being able to protect you more," Zack claimed.

Cloud couldn't help but scoff a little. He didn't really know if that was true, or at least to what degree it was true.

"Right," he said as he turned his head up to look at the ceiling a second. He took a deep breath to try and get control of his emotions and then looked at Zack straight. "Do you not get how hard it is for me to not only have gone through what I did with Rand but to also have to know that you and Tseng and Aerith and basically everyone else we know has some idea of what happened? How hard that is to have to face everyone every goddamn day without one more person knowing?" he questioned. "Especially when Kunsel's…"

He didn't really know what he was going to say at the end. When Kunsel is…unstable? Maybe that was what he was thinking.

"Of course it is," Zack said sadly. "I'm so sorry, Spike," he spoke honestly.

Zack really did look upset and ashamed of himself and it was hard for Cloud to stay mad at him when he looked so concerned and apologetic. Cloud sighed then, letting his anger and hurt diminish right then.

"He's drinking over at Johnny's," he told Zack softly. "Or he was when I was there anyway."

"What?" Zack said back, clearly shocked and immediately annoyed. "Are you kidding me?"

"You better go," Cloud suggested. "I'll help Tifa," he added.

Zack looked from him toward the doors that led back out to the bar area.

"You can handle—" he started to ask and Cloud rolled his eyes at him.

"Pouring beer into glasses? Yeah hopefully I can manage simple tasks like that or I'm more messed up than I thought," he remarked flatly while taking off his coat and tossing it onto some stacked empty crates nearby. He watched Zack turn to get his own coat from where it was hanging on a nearby hook.

"Spikey," he said when he turned back to face him. He looked like he was struggling with choosing the right words to explain himself and apologize again.

"I know you didn't mean to—just go," Cloud said to him, hoping that the look his was giving him was at least a little reassuring.

"I'm sorry," was what Zack said to that.

"It's fine, go," Cloud said, physically turning Zack in the direction of the door and pushing him through and out to the bar area. He followed him out and headed behind the counter to start helping Joey. Only a moment after, Tifa came through from the back.

"Where'd Zack go?" she asked when she saw Cloud behind the bar counter.

"He's gotta go deal with something," he told her. "I'll fill in for him." She didn't say anything to that. "If that's okay," he added. Things were still kind of tense between them.

"Of course," she said through something that seemed like a tired exhale. She took a few steps toward him so she didn't have to talk as loud. "Look, I'm sorry I was so short with you before," she said. "I just—"

He shook his head and picked up some empty glasses from the bar top. "We don't have to talk about it," he told her. "I'd rather just forget about it and move on, if that works for you," he said, giving her a bit of a small and somewhat apologetic smile that she mirrored.

"Okay," she agreed. She turned to head back to the end of the counter so she could go start collecting some empty glasses and bottles from the tables around the room.

"I'm sorry too," he spoke up before she was out of earshot and she smiled again and nodded.