Hi friends, got another longer chapter for you. I'll be replying to your reviews now for the last chapter. Thank you for your comments. As I mentioned in the previous chapter, just want to issue a warning that there is some more detailed description of sexual activity in this chapter but also, I have put the following content warning in Chapter 1 of this story just to cover whatever may pop up in future chapters. As always, be safe and take care of yourselves, friends.
Jaydee
General Content Warning: Chapters in this story may contain upsetting or triggering content including but possibly not limited to violence, consensual and non-consensual sexual references and descriptions, drug and alcohol use and abuse, references to or descriptions of mental illness, self-harm or self-injurious behaviour, and references to or discussions of suicide.
~Twenty~
Although Cloud had had a pretty significant freak out in the shower the night before, he slept better than he had in a while. He hadn't gotten much sleep the night before when he was at home, on account of not being able to stop his mind from thinking about the gift Rand had sent him. He woke up to the feeling of Marco trying to pull his arm out from under him and realized at some point he must have been snuggled in pretty tightly to him.
"Sorry," he told Marco with his eyes barely open as he moved himself a little to make it easier for the guy to get his arm back.
"It's okay," Marco whispered back. "Go back to sleep," he urged him, while stroking his hair a little. He could have. He felt tired enough to go back to sleep for hours.
"What time is it?" he mumbled.
"It's six," Marco uttered back softly. "I need to make a call. I'll be in the other room," he told him.
He did fall back asleep after five minutes or so. He first turned over to reach his phone and checked it to confirm the time and that no one was trying to get a hold of him. Dropping his hand back to the bed with the phone still in his palm, he shut his eyes and listened to the muffled sound of Marco talking from the other part of the suite until he was lulled back into slumber.
When he woke again, Marco was getting back into the bed with him. Feeling that his hand was still weighed down by his phone that he was holding loosely he woke the screen to see the time again. It was just about seven.
"That was a long call," he told Marco groggily.
"Way too long," Marco replied while shifting himself close to Cloud's back, putting his one arm around him to hold him tightly. Cloud felt him exhale against the back of his neck.
"Work?" Cloud questioned with his eyes closed.
"Yeah partly. It was my dad. The calls all start as work and basically just lead to him berating me for something for about twenty minutes," he explained a little flatly.
"He had to do that at six in the morning?" Cloud asked to that.
"Of course. Otherwise I may forget I'm not on vacation," he said with perhaps only a slight hint of discernible irritation in his tone.
"Are you not allowed one?" Cloud questioned, feeling a bit irritated for him.
"Not until retirement," Marco joked a little. "It's okay. This is my vacation," he claimed as he snuggled against Cloud's back and squeezed him. "I like waking up with you," he said warmly.
"I can tell," Cloud told him with his eyes still closed, noting what he could feel as Marco's body, was pressing tightly into his, curving with his own like jigsaw pieces put together.
Marco snorted a little into the skin of his neck. "Mornings are always the hardest," he quipped. "Even an emasculating lecture from my dad can't keep me down."
"Don't talk about your dad and being turned on in the same sentence," Cloud said.
"Right, that's gross," Marco agreed.
"You, uh, want me to take care of that for you?" Cloud asked of Marco's morning arousal.
"I'd rather take care of you," Marco replied. Cloud felt his hand start to slide down his stomach but as it began making its way under the band of his boxer shorts he stopped him.
Turning himself over to face him, he didn't give the guy a chance to say much of anything before he was taking over and shifting himself downward beneath the covers. Marco tried to say something about it being Cloud's turn or something of the sort. He stopped talking when Cloud had his mouth on him. Cloud wasn't really looking to have a turn, whatever that was supposed to mean. He actually felt so bad about what had happened in the shower the night before and what he'd subjected Marco to that he felt like he needed to make up for that.
They showered separately afterward but continued getting ready for the day next to each other in the bathroom at each of the two sinks in the long counter.
"So, the rider I've been waiting on to talk over a possible sponsorship deal with is back in town today. Going to be meeting with him tonight over dinner," Marco paused while shaving to tell him.
Cloud only nodded at first, glancing briefly at him through the mirror before pulling his toothbrush from his mouth and spitting into the sink.
"Maybe…you want to do something after?" Marco asked him as he was rinsing.
"That means you're leaving tomorrow, right?" Cloud replied finally.
Marco sighed a little. "I suppose that's probably a 'no' then," he guessed.
"It's not a 'no'," Cloud denied. "I was just asking. I don't mind hanging out one last time," he stated casually.
"You make it sound so final," Marco said as he used a towel to wipe the remnants of shaving cream from his face and neck.
"I'm a realist," Cloud told him simply.
"Well that doesn't leave much room for hopes and dreams," Marco joked a little.
Cloud smirked. "Well I hope your meeting tonight goes well," he said as he gathered his things in his hands. Marco smiled at him through the mirror before he left the bathroom to pack his things up and get dressed.
"Thank you, dear," Cloud heard Marco call out from the bathroom, something in his voice indicating he knew how much that would irritate him.
When Cloud finally left the suite and was headed through the lobby downstairs, he heard a familiar voice call out his last name. He looked in the direction of the hospitality desk and at the one end he saw Johnny standing behind it. A little reluctantly, he walked over to see him. He was a little embarrassed at Johnny seeing him there again.
"Thought you worked nights," he said to Johnny when he was at the desk in front of him.
"Yeah, there was an issue early this morning. I haven't been home yet," Johnny told him. "Guess things are going well with the big spender," he commented then of Marco. "Saw he requested a few more days on his booking. Guess he found something worth sticking around for," he said.
Cloud scoffed to that. "Yeah, sure," he responded dryly and looked back and around the lobby for a second before facing Johnny again. "I gotta ask," he said then. "Who's the other owner or owners of this place? Didn't think you were the type to have business partners."
Johnny smirked a little as he leaned forward on the desk. "It's sort of a secret," he said at first and Cloud regarded him with some skepticism. "But since it's you asking…" he continued. "Rufus Shinra," he told him too quietly for the employees working the desk to hear.
Cloud was sure the surprise was visible in his face. "Are you serious?" he asked and Johnny nodded. "What are you doing getting into business with him?" was his next question.
"It's a strategic move," Johnny told him simply. To that Cloud raised an eyebrow in doubt.
"How?" he asked back and Johnny shrugged.
"I don't know yet," he said, making Cloud snort a little.
"Was it your idea or his?" Cloud questioned.
"Doesn't really matter now," Johnny replied. "Where you headed? Home?" he asked, changing the subject.
"Therapy appointment," Cloud said. "Too bad it's today instead of tomorrow."
"Why's that?"
"Might need some talking down after dinner tonight with Zack and Kunsel," he said and he was only half-joking.
He was expecting a stressful dinner but that wasn't all. Marco was going to be leaving. He was having a hard time with his feelings over that. It was difficult to acknowledge the fact he was actually feeling sort of sad about it. There was also the matter of a little device hidden away in his dresser back at the apartment. He was trying to decide whether to mention it to his therapist or not during their session that morning.
"Just the three of you?" Johnny questioned and he nodded. "Why?"
Cloud sighed a little. "Because Zack doesn't like it when his friends don't get along," he offered as a possible reason. He shook his head then. "I don't know. He's probably just trying to do something about all the tension. The tension between Kunsel and me. The tension between him and Kunsel. I feel like it's just going to be awkward though with just the three of us. Don't see how it's going to go any better than when all of us were at Tifa's."
"I'll come with you if you want," Johnny said to that.
Cloud couldn't actually fully contain the smile he had then. He really didn't expect Johnny to make that offer but when he did he immediately wanted to accept.
"I kind of feel pathetic wanting to say 'yes' to that," he admitted.
Johnny shrugged again. "It's up to you. It's not like you really need back-up or anything, but if you think it'd be less awkward with one other person, then…"
Cloud was still a little hesitant. "Are you sure you wouldn't mind?" he asked.
"Yeah," he said. "I'm not doing anything until later at night."
"Okay," Cloud said in grateful acceptance. "Thanks." It was one thing he didn't have to stress over.
"Everything alright otherwise?" Johnny asked him.
"Yeah, I guess…" Cloud told him a little dully. "Hey, it's possible to tell when an audio file was created and downloaded onto a device if you looked at it on a computer right?" he questioned after a moment.
Johnny nodded. "Yeah, usually," he confirmed. "That or the date it was last edited. Why?"
Cloud looked back at him a long second, trying to decide if he should tell Johnny about the little surprise that Rand had sent him. In that moment he was actually feeling pretty desperate to tell someone about it.
"Well, uh," he started to respond a little nervously. "So, Rand sent something to the college addressed to me," he said and could see Johnny's expression seem to harden a little more, his brow furrowing a little. "It was this music player that he gave me once back in Gongaga. Like a gift, or whatever…Anyway, there was a note with it that said he left a message or something on one of the audio files that he wants me to hear."
"But you haven't listened to it yet?" Johnny asked him as he crossed his arms over his chest. Cloud shook his head.
"It's probably not a good idea, right?" he spoke inquisitively, curious what Johnny's response would be.
Johnny let his eyes fall to the floor a moment before answering. "Would anything good come of it, you think?" he asked back and Cloud exhaled deeply.
"Probably not," he said.
"I dunno, man," Johnny said. "That's a tough call to make. Is the curiosity just going to eat at you if you don't?" he asked.
"I think it might," Cloud admitted.
"You have to make sure you're in the right headspace if you do," Johnny cautioned him. "And you have to know going in that whatever it is, you won't be able to unhear it and it has the potential to cause damage, you know?"
"Yeah," Cloud agreed. He didn't know about the headspace thing though. It always felt like he was in the wrong headspace no matter what he did. "Well, at least I can look into the date thing," he said finally.
"You want to know if he made the recording after going missing at the reactor?" Johnny questioned, catching on quickly. Cloud nodded. "Well, uh, if you want I can bring a laptop over to your place before dinner."
"Yeah?" Cloud asked and Johnny nodded. "Cool, thanks. I better get going," he said then.
"See you later," Johnny said and Cloud left him finally to head out to the street.
His session with his therapist ended up being short. There wasn't a lot to talk about on account of him not being able to work up the nerve to talk about anything he probably should have. There were a number of things he could have talked through with Mia. The awkwardness with Kunsel and how he was feeling guilty for the things the man had said to him. Marco entering his life unexpectedly and quickly leaving again. The encounter he'd had with Kell. Rand's little parting gift…He could have mentioned just one of those things and talking about it would have probably filled a whole session but he didn't, opting to keep it all inside instead.
Late that afternoon Johnny came to his apartment with a laptop, like he said he would. He brought some adapters with him so that there'd be a cord to plug the player into the computer with. When he brought up the file manager on the computer they could both see that there was close to a thousand audio files stored on the device. It was pretty clear that all but the first file were music. Cloud tried not to really read the names of the songs but his eyes still quickly caught a few and his brain registered them as ones he remembered listening to in Gongaga. He had to try really hard then not to start thinking about what it had been like lying in his cell alone listening to the music or being in the fitness room trying to exercise away all the hours to forget how doomed he felt.
"Looks like the file was put onto the device the day before he was supposedly last seen at the reactor site," Johnny told him when he pulled up the data for the file.
Cloud stared at the date on the screen. There was a time stamp there too. According to what was shown, Rand would have put the file on the device not long after he saw him at the college and therefore only a short time before he'd also gone to the reactor site. So, he supposed he had his answer. Though he couldn't know for sure, it was most likely that Rand had put the envelope with the player in it in the mail probably sometime just before making his way to the reactor. The mix-up with the address and the envelope ending up in transit for a while and then sitting in the maintenance department explained why he hadn't received it sooner.
"Guess that's all you can really say about the file without me just listening to it then," Cloud remarked softly.
Johnny looked from him to the computer screen. "It's about two and a half minutes long," he said. "But yeah, unless you listen to it, the data doesn't say much else," he agreed.
Cloud nodded to that. "Alright, well, thanks for bringing the computer," he said after clearing his throat a little of the tense emotion he felt affecting it. "I know you said you don't like being in the middle and holding onto secrets but is there any way you'd be okay with not telling Zack about this tonight?" he asked, though he wasn't feeling optimistic. "I'll tell him eventually when I decide what to do about it, I just know he's stressed and he—" he started to explain his reasoning and Johnny interrupted.
"Sure," he said, surprising Cloud a little.
"Really?" he asked to that and Johnny nodded.
"So long as when you do listen to what's on this thing," he spoke of the device that he disconnected from the computer, "you talk to someone about it after. Zack, your therapist, me, whoever," he stipulated.
"If I listen to it," Cloud said as he took the player back from him. He could tell from Johnny's expression that he didn't doubt he'd listen to it eventually. "But yeah, fine," Cloud agreed. He wasn't really in a position to refuse something reasonable like that.
A short time later they headed back up to the plate to the sports bar where they were going to be meeting up with Zack and Kunsel. The two of them were going to be coming from an appointment Kunsel had with a doctor at the hospital. When Zack saw Johnny he looked a little surprised but didn't seem disappointed or upset or anything.
"Six, hey," Zack said when he and Kunsel met them outside. "Didn't know you'd be coming," he added.
"That's okay right?" Cloud asked and Zack nodded.
"Yeah, of course," he told him. "You doing okay?" Zack asked Cloud as they were headed inside to go sit down. "Feeling any better?"
He told him he was. He had the visible bruising still from his fight with Kell but for the most part there wasn't much pain.
"You going to be up for hitting the gym again soon?" Zack wanted to know. "Reno's the most annoying gym buddy you could possibly have," he noted aloud when they were sitting at a table, Kunsel next to him and Cloud and Johnny on the opposite side of the table. "Kunsel hasn't given in to my nagging yet to join me," he added. Kunsel smirked a little but didn't say anything. He was keeping pretty quiet so far but he seemed antsy or fidgety.
"Reno's fine," Cloud responded to that with his head down as he looked at a menu. He thought he heard a sound like a scoff from Kunsel so he looked up at him but the man was looking away, up at a television where a soccer game was being displayed.
A waitress came to their table to take drink orders then. Cloud, Johnny, and Zack all chose something non-alcoholic but when the waitress asked what Kunsel wanted he asked for a beer. Cloud could see that Zack looked irritated right away but he didn't say anything until the waitress walked away.
"Lots of other options," Zack said to him then in a low tone as he looked down at his own menu.
"Not hassling me was part of the deal, remember," Kunsel spoke back to that sharply.
Cloud exchanged a short glance with Johnny. He was so glad he'd offered to be there, even if he stayed silent the entire time. The waitress was back quickly with their drinks and Kunsel seemed thirsty. It was difficult to watch, knowing he was struggling so much with what had obviously become a pretty powerful addiction for him.
"Should get Paul to come here," Johnny suggested to Cloud and he agreed. Paul had been trying to get together with the two of them for a while but he'd been pretty busy with work.
"Paul Tousa?" Kunsel asked and Johnny hummed in confirmation. "Poor kid. Doesn't know what he's got himself into," he commented.
"He seems happy enough," Johnny said to that.
"Sure. Now," Kunsel retorted. "Until he gets ordered to do something that messes him up for the rest of his life," he added darkly. "Hey," he said to Zack then. "You remember that night we rescued the three of them idiots from that shithole that one night? Wasn't that place in the slums below this sector?"
"No idea," Zack said with what sounded like clear disinterest or annoyance that he was bringing it up. He kept his eyes down on the menu in front of him. He did remember. They all did.
"You were pretty messed up that night," Kunsel reminded Johnny and the guy seemed to find it a little funny as he thought back on it. No one else was laughing. Certainly not Johnny who had found out that day years ago that his twin brother had died from cancer weeks prior and his family had been keeping it a secret.
"I was," he agreed stoically.
"You know your enrollment would have been toast if it weren't for—" Kunsel went on but was interrupted fortunately when the waitress returned to take their food orders.
"Glad you came?" Cloud asked Johnny while Kunsel was telling the waitress what he wanted. Johnny shrugged a little.
"It's fine," he said. "He's been like this for days over at my place," he added.
Cloud looked from him to Zack who seemed pretty unhappy with how things had been going so far. He mouthed a 'sorry' to both him and Johnny. Kunsel did back off a little on the sensitive topics for the most part after that point, reminiscing more about some of the good times with Zack when they were both younger and had been just starting out in SOLDIER. He had a wealth of embarrassing stories about Zack to share that Cloud was more than happy to hear.
It was nice to be reminded of a time when things seemed lighter and less chaotic. He loved hearing about what Zack was like when he was carefree and happy because even before the Nibelheim incident he hadn't had the privilege of seeing that. When he met Zack, it was a relatively short time after he'd lost Angeal and it was clear the event had impacted him deeply. He wished he could have had the chance to know Zack before that happened, though he sounded like the type who would have been ten times more annoying than he was by the time they met. He might not have had the patience for that.
The trip through their memories eventually shifted focus onto Angeal and while at first Zack seemed okay having Kunsel talk about his old mentor, it was obvious the longer his friend lingered on the subject, the more uncomfortable he was.
"You don't still think you saw Angeal in Gongaga do you?" Cloud found Kunsel asking him suddenly and it took both him and Zack off guard.
"I think it's probably enough about Angeal," Zack tried to tell Kunsel after glancing at Cloud. Kunsel ignored Zack and pressed on.
"You thought you saw his body, right?"
Cloud found Kunsel looking at him intensely, clearly wanting an answer.
"I thought I saw someone who looked like him," he replied to that finally.
"You thought it was really him though, right?" Kunsel continued to question and ignored Zack as he was trying to tell him just by looking at him to shut up. When Cloud didn't answer his inquiry he went on. "That you somehow woke him up? Brought him back to life? Why?"
There were obviously a lot of things that Zack must have shared with Kunsel at one point or another that he wished he knew about before being suddenly bombarded. He glanced at Johnny next to him. Johnny was looking hard at Kunsel but his face was mostly expressionless. He had his arms crossed tightly though as he sat back in his chair.
"Dude, just shut up about it," Zack said then to Kunsel and the guy looked at him briefly with a shrug.
"What? It's just a question," he said in defence. "What if it's actually true?" Kunsel asked him. "Have you considered that? What if all this time, Hojo's had Angeal and he's actually alive?"
Cloud could see that Zack was quickly losing patience and getting upset. Any mention of Angeal was hard for him. When he'd woken up from his coma in Costa del Sol and tried to suggest to Zack that Angeal might actually be alive and that he may have had something to do with it, he'd seen how distraught that made Zack. His friend had been sad but he'd also been angry. The more insistent he'd been about what he remembered, having traveled into the Lifestream and brought Angeal's spirit back to the body he'd seen in the Gongaga facility, the more upset Zack had seemed to get with him.
"It's not," Cloud said to Kunsel then, his tone firm enough to take Kunsel a little by surprise and silence him. "It's not true," he argued. "None of what I thought happened, happened," he spoke a little softer. "It was a delusion," he said. "A side effect of coming out of the coma," he concluded. He glanced from Kunsel to Zack and saw the clear gratitude and relief in his eyes. He avoided looking at Johnny because he thought he could feel what he was thinking.
He'd brought Johnny back from the Lifestream after the doctors at the hospital had diagnosed him with brain death as a result of the gunshot injury to his head. It was sort of hazy in his own head how he'd accomplished it and what it had been like. He could have easily attributed what he remembered to a kind of delusion or dream if it weren't for the fact that Johnny claimed to remember the moment he pulled him back from the Lifestream. The only other person who knew anything about it was Tseng, as far as Cloud knew. Everyone just assumed Johnny had been misdiagnosed with the brain death or that his recovery was just an unexplained medical mystery.
He and Johnny never really talked about it. Johnny was aware of how he'd insisted to Zack when waking up from his coma that he'd retrieved Angeal from the Lifestream in a similar way but ultimately decided it couldn't have really happened. Johnny had believed him though. He'd told him so a while back but Cloud told him to forget about it because he no longer believed it himself. He'd been lying a little about that. He still felt at that time like what he remembered was true but with no evidence to back up the memory, he started to really question himself.
He'd seen how upset Zack was with the suggestion Angeal wasn't just at peace somewhere in the Lifestream and without any proof of the contrary, Cloud started to really think maybe he had imagined it. It became so much easier to accept it as a delusion than something that actually happened.
His declaration at the table seemed to put an end to the discussion about Angeal and only minutes later Zack was asking for the bill. He insisted on paying for all of them. While Kunsel was using the bathroom, he, Cloud and Johnny stood outside to wait.
"What a damn nightmare," Zack spoke then of their dinner.
"It wasn't that bad," Johnny told him. "All that embarrassing stuff about you was pretty entertaining," he added.
"Oh, yeah, that was real fun," Zack agreed flatly.
"Anyway, I have to get going. Work," Johnny said. "Thanks for dinner."
"No problem, thanks for coming," Zack said to him. Cloud had to remind him he wasn't the one who invited him.
"I probably should have asked first if that was okay to invite him," Cloud noted when Johnny had departed.
Zack scoffed. "No way. It's fine. I should have thought of it actually," he said. "Obviously it was going to be awkward for you when Kunsel's being such a moron," he reasoned.
Cloud smiled a little. He put his hands in his pockets and looked down at the sidewalk. "Johnny's right. It wasn't as bad as you think. It was actually a pretty good time for the most part," he told him. He looked up again at him then. "I wish you could have now what you had then, all those years ago. Sounded like you had a pretty perfect life and were really happy."
Zack gave him a warm smile back. "It wasn't perfect," he argued. "I didn't have my best friend then," he said, making it clear he was referring to Cloud.
"Yeah you did," Cloud said back. He didn't have to clarify for Zack that he was talking about Kunsel. "You know, things would have been a lot different had certain other things not happened," he began to tell him and Zack shook his head.
"Yeah, well," Zack said dismissively, rolling his eyes a little. "I don't give a crap," he stated firmly. "However we got here, we're here and you're my best buddy so get over it."
Cloud smirked at that. Kunsel exited the building then to join them.
"Anyway, I'll see you guys later," Cloud told them both. "Thanks for dinner," he said to Zack.
"Where you going? Thought you'd be walking to the train station with us," Zack said.
"No, I'm actually," he started to reply and paused briefly. He was heading over to the hotel to see Marco. He thought about just telling Zack about him but with Kunsel there it didn't seem like the right time. "I'm just going to see a few of the guys I used to work with," he lied. "Just for an hour or so." He saw the worry start to set into Zack's face. "Not at any club or anything," he assured him. "Nothing crazy," he concluded.
"Better not be anything crazy," Zack warned him. "I'll be texting you every friggin' fifteen minutes to be sure," he promised him.
"Sure," Cloud agreed before turning to head away from them.
"Wait," Kunsel spoke up then and he stopped again. "I, uh, can I just talk to you alone a second?" he asked. Cloud didn't respond to that at first.
"I think we better just—" Zack started to say to Kunsel, denying his request for Cloud.
"It's fine," Cloud said, stopping him. "Yeah," he agreed, already preparing himself for something similar to the last talk they'd had alone.
Zack didn't seem to like the idea. He stood for a few seconds, just looking at the two of them before sighing a little. "Guess I'll go back in to use the bathroom," he said. He looked concerned when he met Cloud's eyes once more before heading back into the bar but Cloud gave him a reassuring look in return.
"Cloud," Kunsel said as he took a few steps forward to stand in front of him. "I'm sorry. I mean that this time," he told him and then shook his head. Cloud found it a little awkward to look at him straight on so he looked down at the ground instead. Kunsel went on. "Not that I didn't mean it before but…" He exhaled uneasily. "I shouldn't have brought up the things that I'm sure you don't like thinking about and which I really don't know anything about. I hope that we can, you know, move on," the guy told him and he sounded sincere. "I think I could have done better," he spoke earnestly. "I know it was shitty of me to leave you in that place with those lunatics." Cloud assumed he was talking about Shinra Headquarters. "And I, um, I wish I hadn't been forced to make a decision with the evidence Zack had in that storage locker that probably ended up making things harder for you," he concluded.
Cloud looked up at him again then and he could see that his eyes looked a little misted up, like he could have even started crying if he let himself.
"I don't blame you for anything, Kunsel," Cloud responded to him after taking in his words. "And, I really don't want to. You know, sometimes the worst thing isn't living with the choices you with did or didn't make that you end up regretting. It's having to face the judgement from other people," he explained slowly. "I don't want to judge you," he told Kunsel.
After a long moment of silence, Kunsel nodded in understanding. Finally he said, "I'm sorry I did that to you."
It was an apology that Cloud was happy to accept. He really hoped Kunsel was serious about wanting to move on. It would make things easier for everyone if they could be accepting and understanding of one another.
000
Marco seemed pretty happy when Cloud met up with him a short time later. He said that he'd negotiated a good contract with the rider he'd met with, but it seemed like he was happy for another reason. He seemed more at ease than Cloud felt himself knowing that Marco was leaving the following morning.
They spent an hour at a large arcade down the road from the hotel before heading to his suite to just hang out. They were messing around a little on the bed together, mostly undressed. Cloud was under the assumption they'd eventually have sex, maybe a couple times, and he'd sleep there one last time before seeing him off in the morning. That would be it. They'd been making out a little, not really rushing anything that night when the guy dropped something on him that seemed like it had come out of nowhere.
"What if I didn't leave?" Marco asked him and it confused him immediately. Having Marco say something like 'I wish I didn't have to leave' would have been expected. The question wasn't. The air in the room was a lot heavier all of a sudden.
"What?" Cloud asked back as he looked up at Marco as he was leaning over him.
"What if I just stayed here?" Marco rephrased his question but what he was asking was the same.
"Why are you asking?" Cloud questioned in return. Marco shrugged lightly.
"It's a hypothetical," he said. Cloud shook his head to that.
"It's dumb," he replied firmly.
"What is?" Marco asked with some confusion, either feigned or real, Cloud wasn't sure.
"Your hypothetical," Cloud clarified for him regardless.
"Why?" Marco asked him.
"It's not real," was Cloud's simple answer.
"It could be, couldn't it?" the guy inquired and Cloud rolled his eyes a little at him and the situation before raising himself up onto his elbows. "I mean, what would you think about that?" Marco asked him and he fully sat himself up then, pushing Marco back with his one hand as he did so. "What?" Marco asked as Cloud was making moves then like he was going to get out of the bed. "Wait," he said as he reached to take hold of Cloud's forearm then, to stop him. "Why are you mad?"
Cloud paused and looked at him. He was annoyed and Marco could no doubt see it then. "Because it sounds like you're asking me to make some kind of decision about whether you hypothetically stay here or not," he stated plainly.
"Not exactly," Marco argued. "It's just that I don't have much other reason to stay outside of—"
"That's why it's dumb," Cloud cut him off before he could finish his thought out loud.
"It's not dumb," Marco said to that, making him huff a little with impatience. "What if I had already been living here, would you keep seeing me?" he asked.
"I don't know," Cloud replied sharply and quickly. Marco's confident expression fell away then.
"Damn…really?" he replied dully. "Well that's awkward," he remarked and he sounded serious but by his face Cloud could tell he was still joking around.
"I really don't want to talk about this," Cloud told him as he attempted again to get up from the bed. Marco stopped him again, pulling him back.
"Okay okay," he said fast, giving in. "But if I asked you to do something tomorrow night because I happened to still be around in the city would you say yes?" he quizzed Cloud some more and got an irritated look from him.
"That's the same question," he pointed out.
"I don't think so," Marco said, smiling.
Exhaling long and deeply, Cloud sat back against the headboard and wall behind the bed, slumping a little against it. Marco was giving him a pleading kind of look that was hard for him to keep a straight face looking at. "I guess," he answered him finally.
Marco frowned at that. "You guess?" he echoed as he got close to Cloud again, sitting himself right next to him putting a hand on the side of his head, stroking his hair a little and looking at him like he was waiting to kiss him.
"If I had nothing and no one better to do," Cloud told him with a shrug.
"No one better, huh?" Marco asked, his one eyebrow rising a little. "Sounds like you're saying I'm worth settling for," he commented with a smile before finally closing the short distance between them then as he pressed his lips against Cloud's.
Things were heating up quickly then. Their hands were on each other. Their kisses deep and intense. Abruptly though Marco was retracting and looking at him.
"Why do you keep stopping me from touching you?" he asked and for a second Cloud thought he must be kidding. He looked down at where the guy's one hand was obviously holding onto the side of his one leg. He had his own hand on Marco's forearm. As he looked at it though he wondered if he'd actually just physically moved Marco's hand there from somewhere else. Did he just imagine that? "You know what I mean," Marco said to him and he shook his head.
"I don't do that," he denied. At that, Marco decided to meet what he saw as an obvious challenge and prove his point.
Marco moved his hand while looking at him and placed it between Cloud's legs, attempting to touch him through his boxer shorts. Cloud didn't even think about what he was doing then as he reflexively reached for his hand fast to move it away from the area. Cloud actually surprised himself and he immediately felt embarrassed by it. He knew he was going to be forced to give some kind of explanation then.
"Because I don't like it," he said simply. That was really all he was willing to say about it.
"When anyone does it? Or just me?" Marco asked him as he looked down into the small space between them.
"It's not just you," he said.
"I'm kind of thinking we should probably talk about that," Marco said to that.
"Nope," Cloud replied as he let go of Marco and turned away from him slightly, facing ahead toward the television. The remote was between them and he reached down to retrieve it.
"Hey," Marco said softly, stopping him, putting his hand over the remote and holding it down against the bed.
"There's nothing to talk about," Cloud insisted. "I know what I like and don't like. I don't like that," he declared.
"Do you not like getting off too, because I've yet to see it," Marco replied pretty fast.
"I get off," Cloud said as though it were a pretty obvious fact, even if it weren't so true. Really, his mind was racing a little wondering how Marco would even know that.
"Not with me," the guy replied.
Annoyed, Cloud faced him straight on, looking at him hard. "You know that for sure?"
"Uh, yeah, I definitely do," Marco claimed adamantly.
"How?" Cloud challenged.
"Because I pay attention," he said. "I notice that kind of thing. "It's important to me that the person I'm with is getting out of it what I am. It messes me up thinking you're not. I want you to be satisfied."
"I'm satisfied with you letting me worry about me," Cloud snapped back. "It's not your issue." He was getting angry but Marco only stayed calm.
"I think it is," he countered.
"God, why do you give a shit?" Cloud fired at him, his voice getting louder then.
"I just do," Marco told him. "I just feel like I'm not doing enough or not doing something right," he explained.
"You're insecure," Cloud accused then.
"Around you? Definitely," Marco agreed with a bit of a laugh that broke the building tension in the room.
Cloud took a deep breath before responding to that. When he did, he wasn't feeling as annoyed or angry as in moments before but he was guarded. "I like things how they are," he said finally. "You haven't had a problem up until now."
"I've been waiting it out," Marco said to that. "I thought it was just a comfort thing. We didn't really know each other that well, I think by now—"
Cloud interrupted him then. "I think this is stupid. Thought I was giving you what you wanted."
Marco smiled. "You're amazing," he said as he tried to take hold of Cloud's one hand. Cloud rejected the attempt and crossed his arms defensively while looking ahead and away from him. "I'm just really into you and I want to see what you look like when you're letting go. There's nothing sexier than that to me. I want to be able to get you over the edge," Marco told him.
There was silence then between them a moment before Marco asked him, "Would you let me try at least? Just once. I mean, since I'm hypothetically leaving."
Cloud looked back at him once more. "Hypothetically staying," he corrected.
"Uh…sure, yeah that's what I said," the guy responded lightly. "You can tell me what to do. You can tell me to stop if it's not working for you," he insisted. "Please?"
Cloud released a huffed exhale. He wasn't comfortable. "Do I have to?" he asked.
Marco looked at him like he was being ridiculous. "Of course not, don't be silly," he said.
"But it's important to you?" Cloud asked a little softer, dropping his arms.
"It is," Marco confirmed.
It wasn't really what he wanted, but he also didn't want to feel like he did, like the world was going to somehow implode if he stepped outside his comfort zone and let himself lose control a little with another person. He wondered if maybe he was just making a bigger deal out of something that perhaps wasn't such a big deal. It wasn't that he never climaxed at all. It had happened on occasion with some of the girls he'd been with like Stacy and Tifa. He hadn't spent much time thinking about it and why he hadn't been able to let himself go over the edge with most people because questioning it only ever led to the same thing that he didn't want to pay any attention to. The reason that he didn't want to acknowledge.
Whether he was trying to prove something to himself or Marco, or both, he decided to give in and try to give Marco what he wanted from him. He allowed access of his hand to that most sensitive part of his body and while physically his body seemed mostly receptive to it, he couldn't get fully comfortable in his own head.
"Is it okay?" Marco asked him. "Are you okay?"
"I…" was all he really seemed capable of saying. Marco's voice seemed far away, his words certainly not spoken to him from the actual close proximity he was to him.
"Look at me," Marco instructed softly and he did. "Think about how it feels." His voiced almost seemed like velvet somehow. Like he was being hypnotized by them. "Does it feel good?"
He nodded, but… "But—" he uttered the beginning of his thought.
"Should I stop?" Marco asked him and he shook his head subtly.
"No, I don't know yet," he told him truthfully. He really didn't know in that moment.
"Will you let me try going down on you?" he was asked and he just nodded.
Not having Marco looking at him helped. He shut his eyes tightly and took in some shorter breaths as he felt a surge of what seemed like hot blood running through his whole body. It did feel good. There was no denying that. It felt so good that after he stopped actively trying not to think about it, the feeling had him pressing his head back into the pillows behind his head and shoulders and arching his lower back and hips upward slightly. He reached up behind him to clutch the top of the headboard. The feeling quickly had the need for release building from deep inside him and it had him panting and sweating.
But as he started to really let himself go and let his body have what it wanted, which was to get closer to the release he both wanted and suddenly felt like he needed, there was something else. The feeling of dread. It was that exact thing. Dread. A clear and immediate feeling of it. It came over him so strongly he didn't even have to think about it as he was clutching the headboard harder, lifting his knees and pressing his heels into the mattress. He pulled his body upward on the bed just far enough to get himself out from under Marco's mouth.
Marco didn't seem to think it was cause for concern at all. With his eyes closed and his breathing hard as he clutched the top of the headboard in a white-knuckled grip, Marco would have assumed he was just close to climax, and he was. Marco settled himself at his side again and with his hand he went back to stimulating and stroking him. Cloud found himself groaning aloud at the resurgence of the intense feeling and thrusting into his hand automatically but he was also feeling that burning discomfort of rising anxiety and like a voice was screaming at him for somewhere to stop.
"You're getting close," Marco spoke and it felt like a whisper inside his brain. "You're so hot right now," he told him. He felt physically hot, beads of sweat rolling down his face and his back. He could hear his own soft sounds that weren't anywhere under his control at that point.
"Don't," he found himself begging, gripping Marco's hand with his own. "Ssssstop." His brain wanted it to stop but his body was still moving into Marco's hand and it felt like he was being betrayed by himself. Two parts of himself fighting with each other. He had tears seeping through his tightly closed eyes and down his cheeks. "Please," he got out barely audibly before his climax came over him.
A cry fell from his mouth before he felt incapable of all sound. His breath stopped in his chest and he arched away from the bed into Marco's hand with his own still clutching his as the release came hard and long. For those few seconds he did feel electrified with intense satisfaction and a loss of tension before everything changed. It felt like all the good he'd felt from the previous few minutes was drained out of him, leaving him only with the bad. Shame. Guilt. Fear. Panic. Disgust. It was exactly what he was afraid of. Exactly the thing he'd tried to avoid. The thing he knew would happen. He knew he didn't like what he told Marco he didn't like. It was a mistake to go against that.
He pushed Marco's hand back from him and let go of the headboard finally. The joints of his fingers were throbbing. He slid himself up, sitting up in the bed with his elbows resting on his knees and his head falling into his hands while he was breathing hard, shudders running through him. Marco kissed his one shoulder a few times but he hardly felt it.
"Was it okay?" Marco said when he stayed like that and wasn't looking up or having any reaction to his touches. "Hey," he said, putting his hand on Clouds arm and trying to lower it so he could see his face.
Without saying anything, Cloud pulled away from him. He proceeded to get out of the bed, grabbing for his clothes to get himself dressed quickly.
"What's going on?" Marco asked him with clear concern and confusion.
"I said to stop," he told him without looking at him, focused only on one mission then. Getting out of that room. He'd gotten his boxers back on and was pulling his t-shirt on hastily.
"What? I heard you say don't stop," Marco replied fast.
Shit, he thought. Was that what he said? He couldn't think straight.
"Yeah that's convenient," he snapped back without looking at Marco. He wasn't really looking at anything actually. He felt like he was fighting a sudden tunnelling of his vision with everything seeming slightly out of focus. It was like being in some kind of nightmare. He was trying to identify all the things in the room that belonged to him that he needed to leave with. "Convenient too that you didn't notice something was wrong in the shower until you were finished," he added sharply while stepping into his pants that he'd picked up from the floor.
"Are you kidding me?" Marco blurted back at him in shock. "Are you really accusing me of what it sounds like right now?" He was up from the bed and approaching Cloud then as he was leaning over a little to pull his pants on fully, grabbing for his shoulder to try to make him look at him.
"Don't touch me," Cloud warned him when he was forced to stand straight and face him.
"Okay, I'm not," Marco told him as he held up his hands in front of him. As Cloud looked at him he was confronted with the fact he could see the guy was clearly upset but it didn't change anything for him. Things had gone too far. "You need to talk to me though 'cause there is something really messed up going on with you that you aren't taking about," Marco said firmly. The insinuation of something wrong with him had Cloud instantly more defensive.
"Yeah that you don't know when to fucking quit!" he found himself shouting. "I told you what I didn't want and you wouldn't take no for fucking answer!"
Marco was taken aback by the accusation. He stood a little stunned a moment but snapped out of it when Cloud pushed past him to get his sweatshirt from where he'd left it over the arm of the chair in the one corner of the room. "That's not what happened," Marco argued.
"That's what it feels like from where I'm standing," Cloud threw back at him.
"Oh yeah?" Marco retorted. "You know what it feels like where I'm standing? Like you seem really eager to keep initiating things but as soon as things are getting hot and heavy you kind of get this look like you're spacing out and disassociating from what's going on," he said and his words struck Cloud hard.
"What?" he replied fast to that. "I'm, I don't—" he tried to deny quickly but Marco didn't let him finish.
"Do you know how uncomfortable that is? How confusing? What happened in the shower, was that really just steam and alcohol that got you upset and sick or was it something else? Do you even really want any part of what's going on when things get physical like that?"
Marco's questions were coming at him one on top of the other and he was beyond overwhelmed by them. It only made him more desperate to get away from him and that hotel room.
"You can tell me, whatever it is," Marco said.
There was no way. Ignoring him and his pleas, Cloud struggled to pull his boots on, leaving them untied as he grabbed his bag and headed for the door. "What are you, you're just leaving now?" Marco said from behind him as he followed after him. "I want you to talk to me, I know there's gotta be something going on with you and you're just not saying what it is," the guy insisted.
"It's none of your business," Cloud threw back without looking at him.
"When we're sleeping together it kind of is," Marco argued, making Cloud scoff.
"Well we aren't anymore, so that solves everything," he said coldly. He unlocked the door when he reached it but Marco put his hand over the handle before he could take hold of it.
"Will you wait?!" he pleaded though he also sounded a little angry at that point. "You're making it like this is all on me and it's not fair."
"So it's all on me?" Cloud shot back at him, taking immediate offense.
"No," Marco denied. "But, I actually care about you and what you're feeling and I'm trying to get closer to you, trying to know you, and you're trying to do everything to stop me," he argued. "You won't even tell me what your name is," he pointed out as Cloud exhaled heavily. "You think I really believe your name is Spike? I'm not that gullible."
"Good for you, detective," Cloud responded with sharp sarcasm. "Let go of the door," he ordered.
"This isn't fair," Marco tried to claim again.
"You don't know shit about fair. Get the fuck away from the door!" Cloud demanded once more. He felt confined at that point and any minute he was going to lose the battle he'd had going with himself to keep from crying, using his anger to keep it at bay.
"Not until you tell me what's going on," Marco said and though he said it in a low and level tone, it didn't really matter.
Cloud found himself hitting him then. He punched him in the face though he couldn't say for sure where his fist landed exactly. As soon as Marco's hand was off the handle of the door he was grabbing for it and pulling the door open fast. He left before the guy could do or say anything else. He didn't try to call the elevator up to the floor, choosing instead to head for the stairwell.
He was shaking by the time he made it to the lobby and finally outside to the street. He couldn't believe what he'd just done, that he'd actually just hit Marco. There really was something wrong with him. It was easy to blame Marco but the guy had nothing to do with what was going on with him. It was his past. His trauma. That enemy he was forever at war with. And if there was one person to blame for his actions that night outside of himself, who knew who it was.
He didn't fully break down on the way home, though he felt like he could have during any and all of the passing minutes. Every tear that did make it out of his eyes had to fight its way there. He was alone in the apartment when he got there. Reno was out working. He didn't bother to lock the door. He couldn't even be sure once he was in the bedroom that he'd even shut the door fully. He didn't bother with the lights. Didn't bother with taking off his boots. He walked over to the dresser in the dark. There was just enough street light coming in through the small openings between the curtains of the windows in the apartment to be able to see.
With the music player in his hand, he stepped over the nearby wall and pressed his back to it. He slid slowly to the floor where he sat and began unwrapping the earphones from around the device. He pushed the buds into his ears and without any more thought he turned the device on and pressed the 'play' button.
For a few seconds there was nothing but the sound of dead air. And then…
"Cloud. It's me. It's Rand." It was him. His Keeper. "I really hope you get to hear this. That you'll be willing to just hear me out." The man paused then. There was some breathing, some light shuffling sounds like movement. He cleared his throat gently. "You know, I was raised to believe that nearing the end, if you have the chance, you should ask for forgiveness for your sins. And, I know that technically you can't absolve me of those sins, but you're the only person I want forgiveness from. I let you down in many ways and I don't know that I can live—"
Stop. Cloud hit the button then, cutting off the recording. He ripped the earphones from his ears and dropped the player to the floor next to him. It was too much. He wasn't ready. Johnny had known what he was talking about what he warned him about being in the right headspace. He was so far from ready to hear any part of that recording that he was almost sure sounded like it was going to be a form of suicide note or declaration. It was too much. Everything. He was screaming then into the material of his sweatshirt that he pressed tightly to his face before fully and completely breaking down.