Hey friends, thank you so much for your continued support of this story. As I've said before I really appreciate your reviews, signed and guest, and the encouragement to keep writing this. Sorry I haven't been able to update as quickly as before. Got roped into helping with some home renovations so been kind of busy. Also been kind of mentally fatigued. I'm sure lots of you can relate. Anyway, hope you like the chapter. I'll try to update again soon.
Jaydee
~Twenty-Three~
Cloud couldn't stop having that dream. Angeal walking out of the water on some coastal beach, coming toward him only to begin burying him alive in the sand, talking of secrets… He tried not to read too much into it but he couldn't help questioning himself and the reason his brain wanted to replay the same thing over and over. Weeks went by and he had the dream what seemed like almost every other night.
Prior to that recurring dream, he'd mostly managed to convince himself he'd imagined retrieving Angeal from the Lifestream and inserting his spirit into the body in Gongaga that at the very least looked a lot like him. The dream had him questioning once more if what he remembered had actually happened. What if that dream was trying to show him that he hadn't just imagined bringing Angeal back from the Lifestream? More importantly, what if the dream was trying to tell him Angeal had survived the helicopter explosion as well. What if he'd actually made it out of the ocean alive?
He'd been told that even if he had somehow managed to revive Angeal in Gongaga by reconnecting his body and spirit, and even if somehow Angeal had survived the explosion, he would have been in a very weak condition and would have required medical assistance. It had Cloud wondering if there was some slim chance that he'd washed up on shore alive and been found. Perhaps he was in a medical facility somewhere. He didn't really know, but the nagging feeling that he could be out there somewhere didn't seem to want to go away.
It bothered him enough that he'd resorted to calling into Shinra to try and get a hold of Tseng, just to confirm with him that they'd still been unable to recover any remains that they believed belonged to Angeal, Sephiroth, or Genesis. The direct line number he'd had for the Turk was no longer connected so all he was able to do was leave a message for him to call him back. In the meantime, he focused on keeping busy.
It had been about a month since his intentional overdose and week-long stay in the hospital. When he'd gone back home he'd felt pretty out of sorts and unsure about what he should do with himself.
He didn't know what to do about the shares that Rand had left behind for him in Junon. He hadn't told anyone about them. As the man had said on the recording he made for him, the shares didn't mean anything legally anymore, so long as Shinra didn't suddenly attempt to reclaim him as a project specimen. He didn't want to believe Rufus would allow that to happen to him, but he didn't really trust him either. Also, the thought of Rand's lawyer or anyone else having possession of them kind of bothered him.
He didn't like thinking about it, but he also really regretted the way things had ended with Marco, even if they'd barely known each other and there was no chance things were ever going to go farther than they did. He felt bad. He should have never seen him again after that first night they spent together and he certainly shouldn't have hit him. Still, he couldn't bring himself to apologize, or to say anything at all. He'd gone back and forth blocking and unblocking his number a few times, eventually leaving it unblocked, but never sent him any messages or attempted to call. There'd been times when he'd pick up his phone and imagine for a brief moment seeing a text from him but there never was one. He knew it was better that way.
Sitting around at home wasn't an option for him. Not a healthy one anyway. He didn't want to keep living like he had been. He was done with bars and clubs and sex with random hook-ups. He'd still been racing a little. Still been drinking a little too. He tried to be responsible about it, but there were nights when he still drank more than he should.
Needing something to do, he started working for Tifa, though he mostly saw it as helping her out. Seeing as she was up past 2 a.m. most nights when the bar closed, he offered to be there in the mornings to handle the stock deliveries and empty container pick-ups.
With him there in the mornings, Tifa was also able to get a little extra sleep because he was able to handle making breakfast for Marlene and getting her ready for play school, sometimes bringing her over there as well. He did some cleaning and kept track of inventory and by early afternoon he was done all she needed taken care of. He started going to the gym daily in the afternoons. Reno was usually there as well. Zack was too a few times a week but he'd been more absent since Kunsel had been around.
Since that dinner he and Johnny had gone to with Kunsel and Zack, Kunsel had seemed a little easier to talk to again. Things improved a little more still as the man started to cut back on how much he was drinking and started occupying some of his time with work. Johnny had offered him a job at a warehouse he owned, loading and off-loading trucks.
It wasn't an official, legal job, so he didn't have his name attached to any official employment documentation, which meant he was being paid under the table and none of his wage was being taxed and taken by Shinra. That really appealed to him. Zack was able to get him over to the gym once but it wasn't the most comfortable of situations. There seemed to be some obvious tension between the two of them that even Reno noticed.
Tense was a word Cloud definitely started to associate with Zack on a daily basis after his hospital stay a month earlier. There was something going on with him and he was sure it had to do with, at least in part, Aerith. He knew from what Zack had told him that she'd been spending time with Kunsel some evenings while Zack was working. She'd been trying to help him look for an apartment because he wanted to be on his own somewhere. She hadn't shown up to their last 'family' dinner at Tifa's, which was unusual because she liked to help cook. Zack had said something about her not feeling well but Cloud knew there must have been more to it.
Zack didn't seem to really want to talk about how things were going with him and Aerith, though Cloud did ask him about it. All Zack said was that living normal day to day with the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with wasn't exactly what he thought it'd be like. It had Cloud wondering what it was like for them. Although Zack and Aerith had lived together before, things had been different. Cloud knew that they'd been concerned with trying to free him from Hojo and Shinra so they hadn't been able to settle and really focus on their relationship.
Even since he and Zack had returned from Costa del Sol, he wondered how much the two of them had really been focused on themselves. Zack had been working most nights at Tifa's, which meant Aerith was sleeping at home alone until he got in late. Cloud knew too that Zack had been pretty preoccupied with making sure he was okay and also now trying to do everything he could to help Kunsel.
He thought often about how Zack had mentioned there were times when Aerith had had to see him break down and it was hard to imagine or think about. Zack always seemed so strong and unbreakable. He couldn't think of another person in the world who made him feel so safe. Zack was the shelter in the storm you ran to. It was difficult to picture him being unable to handle the weight of his own emotions and past trauma while handling those of others.
Although there was no doubt in Cloud's mind of Aerith's love and care for Zack, he was sure things hadn't been easy for her either and their relationship probably wasn't what she'd hoped it would be years earlier. He tried not to pay much mind to the paranoid feelings he had sometimes that the friendship he had with Zack had actually been a cause of some strain on their relationship. He was worried about the fact Zack didn't seem to want to talk about what was going on when it seemed he and Aerith were having a hard time. Might Zack not want to talk about it with him because part of what they were fighting about was him?
If Zack wasn't going to talk about what was going on with him, he wondered if Aerith would. He decided to visit their apartment the one evening about the time Zack would have been starting work at Tifa's.
After a few moments in front of their door, his knocking going unanswered, he decided she must not be home and wondered if perhaps she was over at the church doing something. He didn't really have anything else to do so he decided to check and see if that's where she was. It was a relatively short walk over there.
When the church came into view ahead of him, he could see some light shining through the stained glass. It seemed like confirmation that Aerith must be there. At Zack's urging, she'd been keeping the front doors mostly locked, especially after dark, so he headed for the back entrance. The back door led into a coat room and storage area and on either side were doors leading out into the altar area.
When he stepped in from outside, he was about to call out to Aerith to let her know he was there, not wanting to startle her, but right away he heard another voice and it had him pausing. It was a male voice and it didn't take more than a second or two to recognize it as Kunsel's.
There was the sound of some banging like a hammer hitting something and he imagined Kunsel must have been helping to build or repair something. While the old church had withstood a lot in the past, there was a lot that was also in need of maintenance. Although he felt kind of guilty doing it, he decided to eavesdrop for a minute.
"You still haven't told him?" Kunsel questioned and immediately Cloud thought he must be referring to Zack.
"There's nothing to tell," Aerith replied.
"Because you still don't know for sure?" he asked.
"No," was her short response. There was some more hammering for a moment before Kunsel spoke again.
"What are you waiting for?"
She exhaled audibly. "I don't know. I'm afraid, I suppose."
"Afraid?" he said as though it made no sense. "Doesn't that say something?"
"About what?" she asked.
"Well maybe you're afraid because you don't want it to be true," he suggested and she was quick to try and argue though she didn't sound convincing.
"That's not…" she started to say and stopped. "Would it make me a terrible person?" she questioned instead.
"You could never be," Kunsel told her and there was a second of silence before some more hammering. When it let up, Aerith continued to explain her thoughts on whatever it was they were talking about. Cloud had his suspicions about what it could be but didn't want to jump to any conclusions.
"It's just the timing. It's not right," she said and he scoffed.
"You think maybe it'll never be right at this point?" he said almost sarcastically.
"I don't want to think that way, but, yeah, sometimes I worry about that," she admitted. "So much has happened. There's been so much damage done. None of us are the same as we were."
"Maybe not," Kunsel agreed. "That doesn't mean feelings change."
"Yeah but…sometimes they do. Sometimes we hold onto things because it's what we think we're supposed to do. Like it's the right thing to do. I don't want to be that thing that gets held onto out of principle. I don't want to be guilty of it either," she conveyed a little sadly.
There was another three or four hits with the hammer then before Kunsel announced, "That should hold," and Aerith thanked him.
"Don't," she said then before gasping. There was a thud and she spoke again in a chastising tone. "You had to jump rather than climb down like a normal person?"
"Normal's not really a thing, Aerith, sorry to break it to you," he said and she laughed a little.
"I'm glad you're back. I feel bad bothering Zack with things like this. He has so much on his plate already," she said and he grunted back something Cloud couldn't really hear clearly but thought he'd said 'sure' or something like that.
"He does," she insisted.
"It would have taken five minutes," Kunsel told her.
"Well I'm sure he would have done it if I asked," she reasoned.
"Yeah well, either you learn to be more demanding, or you're always going to be waiting on him," Kunsel advised her.
"I don't want to be that kind of person," she said.
"Oh, okay, be the kind who gets taken for granted and forgotten instead," he threw back at her.
"That's not fair," she said to that and he laughed at her.
"You're not even happy at all, are you?" he asked but she didn't answer, at least not verbally or in a way Cloud could hear from where he was listening. "That's what isn't fair. You should be happy, Aerith."
"Well…I'm happy you're here and that you're okay, after all you went through the last year. I missed you, Kunsel," Aerith told him softly, almost too quietly to hear from where Cloud was. "And I—" she started to say before she stopped abruptly.
It was hard for Cloud to know what happened to cut her off.
"Kunsel!" she exclaimed then. "I can't, what are you—"
"Yes, you can," he said back. "You can do whatever you want, Aerith. You don't have to live by some promise you made when you didn't know any better. You didn't sign up for this life you know. All the shit. Why are you forcing yourself to be lonely when there's someone out there who could actually care about you?"
The volume of his voice became low enough then that Cloud couldn't hear what he was saying anymore. He heard Aerith say, "Please let me go," and that had him immediately leaving the spot where he'd been listening from in the back room and entering the open altar area where he could see Kunsel was standing in front of her holding her upper arms in his hands tightly. His face was close to hers as he was talking to her and she was looking up at him what seemed almost fearfully. At the very least, she wasn't comfortable. Her body was tense as she had her hands on his chest, pushing at it a little. She noticed Cloud coming toward them almost immediately but seemed frozen.
It took Cloud nothing more than a moment to reach them and when he did he took hold of Kunsel and pulled him backward roughly in a surge of adrenaline.
"Let go of her!" he demanded and as he pulled Kunsel, the man's hands did release her pretty quickly.
"Cloud, wait!" Aerith was saying, not knowing what he was going to do.
Kunsel shoved him back. "This isn't your business, Cloud," he said and it sounded like a warning. Aerith stepped in between them quickly.
"It's okay," she said to Cloud and though she said it calmly she looked shaken up and seriously concerned about what Cloud had seen and the possibility of a physical fight breaking out.
Cloud looked from her to Kunsel. "You need to leave," he said, making it clear he wasn't asking.
"That what you want?" Kunsel spoke in return and it was a question directed at Aerith.
She nodded to that. "That would be best," she said gently.
At that, Kunsel reached for something at his right side. Cloud watched him take hold of a hammer that was hanging from his one belt loop. As he lifted the hammer to slide it through the loop, Cloud stepped in front of Aerith. Kunsel paused a second and shook his head at the protective gesture. He held the hammer in his hand a moment before tossing it onto the seat of the nearby pew. The sound of it hitting the wooden surface echoed through the space loudly. He didn't say anything else before heading away, leaving through the way Cloud had come in.
"Oh my god," Aerith uttered then from behind Cloud.
"Are you okay?" he asked her as he turned to face her. She nodded with her head in her hands. She sighed heavily as she lowered them again and looked at him.
"What just happened? What's going on?" he questioned but she seemed reluctant to answer. "Aerith," he said and she shook her head.
"It's fine," she said but her voice was shaking a little and she had tears building in her eyes. "He's just, he's..." She stopped trying to explain Kunsel's behaviour and looked at him seriously. "Please don't say anything to Zack about this," she said.
"You want me to just pretend I didn't see or hear anything?" he said with some incredulity. She looked even more concerned then.
"What did you hear?" she asked.
He took a slow breath before responding. "Is there something going on between you and Kunsel?"
"No," she denied adamantly. "Cloud, you know I would never hurt Zack like that, ever," she told him, maybe seeing the apprehension in his expression. "Kunsel and I…we're friends. I thought. I didn't expect him to just—" She started to cry then. "It's all my fault," she said.
"No it's not. It's okay," he told her.
"Just please don't say anything to Zack," she begged. "He can't handle that right now, Cloud, and you know him, he'll go ballistic on Kunsel."
"You don't think he'd have the right to?" Cloud asked. "Kunsel shouldn't be putting his hands on you like that," he argued and she nodded.
"I know, I—he's never done that before," she said as she looked towards the doorway to the back room then. "Why did you come here?" she asked him. "Were you looking for me?"
"Yeah, I went to the apartment first and you weren't there, so I figured…" he explained and she nodded.
"Is everything okay?" was her next question and he lowered his eyes a second.
"That's sort of what I was here to ask you," he admitted when he met her eyes again.
"If I'm okay?" she said and he nodded.
"You haven't been around Tifa's place as much. Zack's been kind of off. I've heard him talking to you on the phone a few times, sounded like something might be going on. You guys are okay, aren't you?" he asked a little hesitantly.
"Um," she said first as she wiped some of the wetness from her few shed tears off her cheeks. She smiled then and it seemed forced. "Things are fine," she answered finally. "Yeah. It hasn't been easy all the time. Any of the time really, but that's just how relationships are, right?" she said.
"Is any of that my fault?" he asked her straight up then and she looked back at him sadly.
"It's not your fault," she said. "Of course not," she added. "Why?"
"I dunno, I guess I feel like maybe my problems are taking up too much of Zack's time. Really, any time they take up is probably too much," he explained.
"No," she said in return. "You're his best friend. You're family to him, to both of us. Your life and anything you're going through is part of our lives as well. We care about you and want to help you through the difficult times." He nodded at that and she smiled reassuringly.
"If I'm being honest, though," she went on. "I am worried about you. Obviously, Zack is worried too, and that makes me worry about him," she explained softly. Immediately, Cloud started to feel that pang of guilt that was pretty consistently part of his daily life. "It scares me to think of what it would do to him if something happened to you. I mean, something else happening to you."
"I'm sorry," he said to that, looking away from her again. "That's not something you should have to worry about."
"It's okay," she assured him. "I don't want you to feel bad or worry about it. I just hope that you know that you have support from both of us, and that if you need help, we're always here for you. You shouldn't feel like you're going through something alone. When Zack found out from Reno about what happened in your apartment last month…"
"I'm sorry," he repeated. He really did feel terrible about it.
"He was devastated, Cloud," she told him, which hurt to hear.
"It's not going to happen again," he promised her.
"I hope not," she said gently. "But I can't ask you for that kind of assurance. You're human. It's natural to try to do whatever you can to get away from pain. I don't want you to feel guilty. I just really need you to remember you have people who really need you in their lives."
"Yeah," he agreed. "I know."
"Do you think you could maybe walk with me back home?" she asked him after a second of silence and he smiled a little.
"Like there was any question," he told her lightly.
Her apartment that she shared with Zack was on the second story of a three story building. It reminded him more of a hotel than an apartment building. There was no lobby. Units were accessed from outside the building and there was a separate building that contained the landlord's office and the laundry facilities.
He walked Aerith up the stairs outside to her apartment door and said goodnight. As he was heading back down to the ground level a figure appeared out of the shadows and approached the stairs. It was Kunsel. He had his hands in the pockets of his coat as he stepped forward casually.
"What are you doing?" Cloud asked him as he took the last few steps down to the ground to stand in front of him.
"Could ask you the same thing," Kunsel replied nearly tonelessly.
"Wanted to make sure she got home safe. There's a lot of assholes out there," Cloud said.
"Definitely," Kunsel replied with a short nod.
"It's probably not a good idea for you to be here," Cloud pointed out to him then.
"You could be right," Kunsel agreed. "Still, I thought I should probably apologise. I know what it probably looked like from your perspective."
"Right," Cloud said back to that. "So is it me or her you wanted to apologise to then?" Kunsel stared back at him, not responding. "Doesn't really matter," Cloud said upon his silence. "You should just leave her alone for tonight," he strongly advised.
"She's my friend," he claimed and Cloud scoffed.
"You don't treat friends like that," he argued. "You had your hands on her. Do you know how pissed off Zack would be if he had seen what I saw?" he questioned sharply. "What the hell are you even playing at?"
"Meaning?" Kunsel said.
"Well from what it sounded like, seems like you're trying to move in on Aerith behind his back," he stated. "I thought you cared about him."
"I do care about him," Kunsel claimed. "I care about both of them. That doesn't mean I agree with them staying together if they're both unhappy."
"You sure you just don't agree with them staying together because it wouldn't make you happy?" Cloud challenged.
"That's not it," Kunsel denied. "You know, he takes what he has for granted," he said then and Cloud assumed he was referring to Zack. "Just like you. He runs toward the drama, gets so wrapped up in all of it, especially yours, it's like an addiction or something. He's unstable because you are and while he's busy focusing on you, he's neglecting the person who is supposed to be his number one priority."
Cloud didn't really know what to say to that so he said nothing at all.
"I really love her, you know that?" Kunsel said to him then and it sounded sincere. "And I really love Zack. Yeah, I'm sure it makes me a piece of shit for not just burying my feelings to honour some kind of friend code, but he's ruining her by not loving her the way he should and not taking care of her the way she deserves. She needs more than he's giving her."
Cloud looked away from him, out toward the street as a car was driving slowly down the road.
"I'm sure I don't deserve her or anyone as good as her," Kunsel went on, "but right now he doesn't either. He can't be giving all the best of himself, all the strength he has to the people around him and she gets what's left over at the end of the day. She needs a rock she can lean on too. How is she ever supposed to feel safe enough to start a family here in this place when she can't trust he'll always be there for them?"
"It could be awhile before they have kids, they both said it wasn't on their radar right now," Cloud told him, remembering what they'd said once about it when asked during one of the dinners at Tifa's.
"Yeah, well, maybe it'll be sooner rather than later," Kunsel said. It seemed like he was implying he knew something others might not. He turned as if he was about to head away but stopped. "Should I worry about Zack busting down the door at Six's place tonight?"
Cloud shrugged. "Aerith asked me not to say anything to him. If you're going to betray him though, you might want to expect him busting down the door at some point," he said. "Grab Aerith again like you did tonight or treat her in any way that makes her uncomfortable and it's not just him you'll have to worry about," he concluded.
"Got it," the man said, though something in his tone indicated he wasn't taking the warning seriously.
He walked away then, and after making sure he wasn't still just lingering around, Cloud started to make his way home as well. Despite telling Aerith he wouldn't talk to Zack about what had happened, he really wanted to. He knew it would really hurt him though and he would absolutely go ballistic, as Aerith had said, on Kunsel if he knew he'd not only made a move on her but also physically grabbed her and had refused to let go.
For the first few minutes of his walk home he pondered over whether he was going to be able to keep what he'd seen and heard a secret or not. Then his phone rang with the incoming number attached to the name Shinra Electric. It was pretty late but he assumed it must be Tseng finally returning his call.
"Hello," he said when he picked up the call after a few rings.
"Cloud?" a familiar male voice questioned.
"Yeah, Tseng?" he said in return.
"Yes," the man confirmed. "I'm sorry for calling at this hour," he apologised.
"That's okay," Cloud said.
"I'm very sorry I wasn't able to get back to you sooner. How are you?" the Turk asked him next.
"Uh, fine, you?" Cloud replied a little uneasily. Someone questioning how he was always threw him off a little. His answer was almost always 'fine,' even if that was rarely how he felt. People asking weren't looking for the truth though.
"I'm well. Is everything alright?" Tseng inquired.
"Yeah, I, um, just wanted to check in to see if anything else ever turned up from that helicopter incident last year in Gongaga…If there's been any signs yet of Genesis or, you know, anyone else who might have been there at the time."
"I'm sorry, no," Tseng told him relatively quickly.
"Nothing?" Cloud replied, still pretty shocked that they were never able to recover any physical remains from Genesis or Sephiroth, or something that could hint at whether they'd survived or not.
"There's been nothing else found," Tseng reiterated gently. "Sorry, to say."
"Okay," Cloud said to that at first.
"Was that all you wanted to—"
"It's just that…" Cloud interrupted him then. "I was thinking, what if they ended up in a hospital or something? Or just, what if someone else found something out there you don't know about?"
"It has been considered," Tseng told him. "Calls were made to some surrounding facilities to determine if any occupant of the helicopter might have ended up there," he explained.
"That's good, I guess," Cloud spoke in acknowledgement, feeling almost disappointed that it was something already thought of.
"Might I ask why you're inquiring?" Tseng said and he shrugged to himself.
"I was just curious. I guess it just kind of bothers me that nothing else was ever found," Cloud admitted.
"I understand," was the man's gentle response.
"Uh, that was it really," Cloud said, preparing to bid him farewell again. "I know you're busy, so—"
"Have you been doing alright otherwise?" the man questioned before he could say thanks and goodnight.
"Sure," Cloud responded a little flatly. Obviously he hadn't been but there was no point in talking to Tseng about it.
"Well if there's anything I can do," Tseng said.
"Thanks, I'm fine for now," he told him.
"Cloud, I—" the Turk spoke almost suddenly, like there was some urgency in his tone but then there was silence.
"Hm?" Cloud hummed in question into the phone when the man said nothing.
"Nothing. I—sorry," Tseng replied. "I can send you an updated number that's easier to reach me at should you ever need to," he offered.
"Uh, sure, thanks," he said, not sure when he'd need to call, or for what reason but he figured it couldn't hurt.
"Is there anything else I can help with at this immediate time?" the man asked and he shook his head to himself.
"Nope," he said.
"It was good to hear from you," Tseng told him.
Cloud smiled a little awkwardly at that. "Thanks for calling back," he said.
"Take care for now."
"You too."
After sending a message to Cloud's number with his personal phone, Tseng sat back in his office chair and sighed tiredly. He wondered as he quite often did if he was doing a disservice to Cloud by not informing him of the quite significant secret he'd been holding onto.
He'd learned the previous year that Hojo had commissioned the impregnation of three young women using a sample of biological material he'd sent to the facility some time earlier. One of the women who had been implanted with a fertilized embryo had successfully carried through fetal development.
Some months after his initial contact with the clinic and learning about Hojo's secret commission, he'd received a tentative confirmation of what he'd already suspected. The biological sample used for fertilization had almost certainly come from Cloud.
Although he truly believed Cloud had a right to know about what Hojo had done and how he'd essentially unknowingly and without consent biologically fathered a child, the situation was further complicated by the fact the mother had gone missing while still pregnant. No one at the fertility clinic had been able to make contact with her to determine the outcome of the pregnancy.
Not knowing her status, location, or if she'd successfully given birth, Tseng was hesitant to share with Cloud what he knew. He really wanted to have those details when he did finally inform him. No matter what, the news would no doubt greatly impact him. He didn't take the understanding of that lightly. He was trying to do everything he could to track down the mother and child if it did in fact exist.
000
All I want is for you to be happy and to be able to make the most of the life you've been given back…
Weeks after first hearing it in full, Cloud had listened to Rand's recording probably a couple dozen times. It got easier after the first few times. At a certain point he wasn't really even thinking about the words at all, rather just hearing the man's voice.
He'd also taken the leap and listened to some of the music on the player as well while lying in bed at night. It made him feel less lonely somehow. Less like he was still just locked up in some prison and waiting for something to happen.
He'd pondered over the shares sitting in Junon waiting for him every day since learning of them. He'd also pondered over the things both Aerith and Kunsel had said to him the night he'd eavesdropped on them in the church and learned that Aerith was possibly having doubts about her relationship with Zack. He thought a lot about his involvement in their troubles.
Although Aerith assured him he wasn't contributing to any strain between them, he was sure that he had, at least indirectly. He knew how hard it was for Zack to see him struggling to cope with the past and the present. He knew Zack worried about him and it was hard to reassure him he was fine when Zack could see right through him. Concerning himself with him and checking up on him was part of Zack's routine. It was easy for him to do it too, because of their close physical proximity.
Cloud had promised Aerith that what happened the night he'd overdosed himself with his medication wouldn't happen again, but she had been smart in saying she couldn't expect that kind of assurance. He thought so often about hurting himself or worse, it had even him doubtful about the promise he made. His thoughts felt like they were feeding into his impulses and eventually he wouldn't just be standing next to a hot stove thinking about his hand being on it, he'd be treating a serious burn.
He didn't want to be the cause or contribution of any unnecessary stress in Zack's or Aerith's or anyone else's life. He really wanted his problems to be his problems. And he wanted to feel emotionally strong enough that no one he cared about had to wonder when he would just break and go off the deep end. He felt that Kunsel may have been right when he said Zack was unstable because he was.
Even if it wasn't his fault, there was probably some truth to it. Maybe they'd just been that bonded to each other since what they went through in Nibelheim. In the mansion it had felt like their individual survival depended on the survival of both of them. If one of them broke, both of them would. Johnny had said something about trauma getting into your DNA. Maybe what they went through changed how they operate. Maybe Zack really did need him to be okay for both of them to be.
What he knew for sure was that he needed his head right. There were things he needed to address and settle, unfinished business that he felt could help him move forward if resolved. Maybe that was the goal he was supposed to chase for now.
A plan started to formulate in his head. He would never be able to let go of the questions in his mind about Angeal unless he did whatever he could to make sure he wasn't still out there somewhere, waiting to be found. He was responsible for him, if that was the case. If what he remembered was true, he'd essentially forced Angeal from the Lifestream back into the living world against his will. On the chance what he remembered was true, he needed to be sure he wasn't incapacitated or sick in some hospital somewhere.
About the shares Rand left for him…he wanted them. He really did. He wasn't sure what he would do with them when he had them, but he wanted them. A solo road trip would get him out of the city that on a good day made him feel bound and watched. He could stop at the major hospitals and clinics to see if anyone matching Angeal's description had been received, admitted, or treated. He could make his way down to Gongaga, see the beach near the place the helicopter had been destroyed. That may settle his anxious dreams he'd been having. On the way he could stop in Junon and pick up the shares.
All he really needed was to pass his road test so he could have his full driving licence for his bike. That, and hopefully Zack's blessing…
He refrained from mentioning anything to Zack or anyone else other than his therapist about his plan for a late summer, early fall road trip alone until he'd actually booked and passed his road test. His therapist thought the trip was a great idea, though he didn't tell her all the motivations he had for going. He basically just said he wanted to do some travelling around to clear his head and get a new perspective on his life. It was a bit of a cliché line but he couldn't deny it was true.
His world always seemed to feel so small and confined. When he thought about it, there wasn't really a time when he hadn't felt confined, figuratively or literally. The small and remote town he grew up in, with nothing around for miles. The Academy campus in Midgar. The army base. The Shinra mansion. The Gongaga facility…it always felt like one tiny world of restrictions after another. What would it feel like driving around on his own, accountable to no one and free to make whatever choice he wanted?
Well…sort of accountable to no one. He did have responsibilities he'd taken on in the city, especially with respect to Tifa and Marlene. He hoped Tifa was going to understand his reason for leaving for a little while when he talked to her. He didn't expect understanding from Zack. Not right away anyway.
"What do you think of that one?" Zack asked while looking through the glass of the display case he was leaning on.
Zack had asked Cloud to go with him up to the plate early the one afternoon to grab some lunch, hang out and also visit a few jewellery stores. He wanted to look at some engagement rings, wanting to replace the more modest one he'd initially proposed to Aerith with for something more expensive now that he'd saved some money. Cloud thought it would be a good day to inform Zack of his plans to leave the city for a while but after spending a few hours with his friend he still hadn't worked up the nerve.
Cloud barely heard him as he made inadvertent eye contact with one of the salesmen in the shop where they were browsing. He could see the questioning look in the guy's face as he seemed to recognize him. "Spike," Zack said, getting his attention back.
Cloud sighed softly as he looked through the glass at the ring he was pointing at. "No," he said of the pinkish gold band with diamonds inset. "I don't know why we're doing this. Aerith's already happy with the ring you gave her," he said.
"Yeah sure," Zack spoke back dully. "That or she's faking it," he suggested.
"She'd be happy with a rubber band around her finger if you gave it to her," Cloud argued. "You know she doesn't care about material things."
"Well she's still a girl who likes pretty things too," Zack said. "You've heard the flower cart story before? About the paint and the—"
"Yeah," Cloud said, cutting him off. "But that was a while ago. People change." He glanced up again at the salesman still eying him and now pointing him out to one of the saleswomen. He turned around uncomfortably, turning his back to the display case.
"I want to do better by her. She deserves better," Zack told him, still looking down.
"I get it…but you know, if you think somehow this'll make things better or fix whatever problems you guys are dealing with…" he started to try and say, a little hesitant to be going into the topic. Things still seemed awkward between Zack and Aerith and after catching Aerith and Kunsel together at the church, things had been awkward between him and them as well.
"What problems?" Zack replied, glancing up at him. At the same time, the salesmen who'd been watching them from across the store came up to them behind the display counter.
Cloud could see him out of the corner of his eye and looked back at him as he approached.
"Hey, you're—" the salesman started to say to him and he looked away, rolling his eyes, not feeling like being harassed right then about whether he was really former private and SOLDIER Cloud Strife. Zack cut the guy off immediately before he could say another word.
"Really rocking the man bun?" he questioned the man rhetorically. "Thanks, I know. We're still just looking," he informed him sharply. The salesman just cleared his throat a little before telling them to take their time and leaving them alone again.
Cloud smiled a little to himself then as he could see Zack focused again on the rings in the case. "You aren't though," he said, prompting an inquisitive look from Zack. "Rocking it," he clarified. Zack just shook his head and looked away from him. "Just get rid of it, it's just a stupid bet."
It seemed like there was a good chance Zack would have hair down to his waist by the time he and Aerith finally got married so that he could win the bet he'd made with Reno about keeping it uncut until then.
"Never surrender!" Zack said to that.
There was a moment then when they were quiet and suddenly that's when Cloud finally had the courage to tell Zack what he'd wanted and needed to.
"Zack, um, there's something I...I," he was struggling right away. There was no way to deliver the news and get the reaction he wished for rather than the one he knew he'd get. "I'm going to go out of town for a while," he said and Zack looked up at him with clear confusion in his expression.
"What...are you talking about?" he asked slowly.
"I took my road test a couple days ago," he explained. "I passed so I've got my bike license now."
"And so you want to take a trip?" Zack asked to that, his tone still relatively neutral.
"Yeah," he confirmed.
"Where?" was Zack's next and expected question.
"Well, I was thinking of heading south," he said.
"Where south?" Zack asked and Cloud shrugged.
"I dunno, just south. I don't have a specific place in mind," he lied a little. "I just thought I'd kind of like to travel around and clear my head," he told Zack a little uneasily. He could already see in his body language he was critical and unhappy about what he was hearing.
"Clear your head?" Zack replied with what sounded like clear suspicion. "What are you talking about?" he asked and something about his tone and the fact it seemed like Zack was ready to challenge him made him sigh with frustration. "You're not just taking off on some random road trip alone," Zack stated with authority.
"I knew you'd probably act like this," Cloud said mostly to himself, shaking his head.
"Like what? Confused?" Zack shot back at him and as Cloud motioned to walk away he grabbed for his one arm. "Don't walk away from me," he said, which had Cloud pulling his arm away from him abruptly and leaving the store.
Cloud didn't need to look back to know Zack was following closely behind him. "You know, I don't need your permission or anything," he threw back over his shoulder at him and again Zack took his arm, pulling him to a stop on the sidewalk.
"Whoa, okay, stop," he pleaded, his tone a little less authoritative. Cloud did stop and turn to face him again. "Sorry, I'm just—you threw me off in there," he said.
"I'm sorry," Cloud told him, the momentary anger he'd felt subsiding then.
"What's going on?" Zack asked and he shrugged as he looked out across the street.
"I think I just want to get away from this city for a while," he explained as he met Zack's eyes again. And I think I need to just be on my own for a little while," he revealed and saw the immediate concern in Zack's eyes. "Just a little while," he repeated. "I just want to be able to breathe."
"You need a different geographic location to breathe?" Zack asked him, clearly suggesting there was some absurdity to that.
"Maybe," Cloud said. "Things have been so much harder here after everything than I ever thought they could be," he told him.
"I know, Spike," Zack responded to that with sympathy.
"I feel suffocated here. Everywhere I look, all I can think of is the shit I don't want to think about. And I feel like my mind is so messed up, it makes it so hard not to get sucked up into the darkest corners of this city," he explained, and although he had other reasons for leaving, that part was true. "I feel like I'm on this roller coaster moving between just barely surviving and teetering on the edge of losing grip completely. And I can't stop having these dreams…it's like something's pulling me, physically trying to make me move," he said, not getting into the details and telling Zack it was the dreams of Angeal making him feel like he was being pulled, like he needed to confirm for himself the man wasn't out there alive somewhere.
"To where?" Zack questioned and he shook his head.
"I dunno, it's probably not literal," he said.
"Arrren't you kind of making it literal?" Zack responded with a bit of a dry laugh that Cloud huffed a little in frustration at.
"I feel stuck right now, Zack. In a bad place, literal or not," he stated and that was also true. "I don't know who I am. I don't know how to live."
"You're doing fine, and I can help you, Spike," Zack assured him.
"No, you can't," Cloud said back to that fast. Zack seemed a little shocked at that and Cloud softened his tone once more. "I mean, you already do, but…" He paused a moment and Zack looked at him expectantly. "Zack, you're getting married," he pointed out and Zack shrugged.
"So?" he said.
"So, I need to find my own way now," Cloud told him.
"What does that mean?" Zack said. "You mean without me? Nothing's going to change just 'cause I'm getting married," he claimed.
"Yes, it will," Cloud argued gently. "You're starting a new life, Zack. Marrying Aerith. What if you guys have kids soon?" he asked, thinking back on what Kunsel had said to him about it and the conversation he overhead between him and Aerith when she inferred having a secret she was keeping from Zack. He couldn't help but wonder if that secret had something to do with a baby. "You can't be running after me, trying to keep me from falling to pieces all the time."
Zack looked back at him like he was being stupid. "Why not?" he said to that. "I'm great at multitasking," he attempted to joke.
"I don't want you to," Cloud spoke seriously. "I mean I do," he corrected himself as he looked away and down the street a moment. "And it's not fair. I can't keep depending on you the way I have. We don't need each other the same way anymore," he pointed out, turning his gaze down at his own feet.
"You're wrong," Zack said adamantly. "I still need you. You're the most important thing to me, Spikey," he claimed and Cloud looked up at him, shaking his head once more.
"No, I'm not," he denied. "Or at least, I shouldn't be. The person you wake up with every morning, the one you're looking for rings for, that's the most important thing," he reminded him and it had Zack looking off in the distance like he was trying to think of how to argue even if he couldn't. He also looked like his emotions were going to manifest into tears any moment. "I know you love me, Zack," he told him. "I love you too, but I can't keep leaning on you, or anyone else, and I can't keep feeling like some kind of burden or weight, bringing people down. I need to be independent."
"You don't have to leave though to do that," Zack argued, sounding suddenly annoyed. "I don't see how taking some stupid trip is going to make you independent."
"Maybe it won't," Cloud agreed. "But it just feels like something I should do. I feel like it's something I need to do," he reasoned. "Like I can't get on with life until I do this."
"No," Zack said to that. Just a simple and firm 'No.'
Cloud couldn't help but smirk. "It's not up to you," he said gently.
"You know I'm stuck here," Zack said, referring to one of his parole conditions. "What if…" he started to question and he had to rub at his eyes to clear away the tears that were building. "What if something happens, and I'm not there. I can't lose you, Cloud," he said sadly.
"You won't," Cloud promised. "Nothing's going to happen. I think this is the right thing for me to do. I really think that there's a good chance the answers I'm looking for are out there, and when I come back, things'll be different. Better."
"Answers to what?"
"To how I'm supposed to move on," he said. "You know, I don't really have any goals. I don't really have any dreams at this point. I feel like I'm barely even existing. Taking this trip on my own…I dunno, somehow it feels like a goal. Doing something that might actually help me, rather than hurt me."
Zack avoided looking at him as he stood with his hands in his pockets, seeming suddenly smaller under the weight of his disappointment. "I don't know what I'm supposed to say," he said after a moment.
"That you trust me and accept my decision," Cloud offered as a suggestion.
"What if I just keep my mouth shut and hug you?" Zack asked in return.
"I'll take it," Cloud said and Zack did hug him then. He hugged him back tightly, closing his eyes as he did so.
"I do trust you, Spikey," Zack told him while holding onto him. "I want you to be happy. If this is what you need to help you get there then...I accept your decision."