Chapter 12 - Together Again
Author's Note: Ahsoka faces hard choices. :)
~ Amina Gila
Angry, Ahsoka thinks, is an under-description of how she feels. She's never been this furious in her life. It's enough to want to – to do something violent, though she has no one to direct her anger at. It's not Jacen's fault, entirely, but he's the only person she can lash out at, because the emotions drowning her are too much to stay quiet about.
She's in a prison cell somewhere, hands in binders, but not restrained other than that. Maybe Jacen is serious, after all, about wanting her to join him. He must be out of his mind, because there's no way she will. Ever.
Except... she misses him. She wants to be with him again, and that's a constant, gnawing inside her, that ache to have Jacen back. They were best friends. They did everything together, and Ahsoka used to believe they always would. Even if he's a Sith, even if he's a traitor, she can't deny there's still a part of her that cares about him. That will never change.
Her heart is pounding with a mixture of anger, anticipation, and betrayal when the door slides open. She is not ready to see him again. She's still in shock with the realization that he's alive. That he's working with Dooku and the Sith on top of that is something she hasn't begun to process.
Yes, there was no body, but that doesn't guarantee he survived.
"Why didn't you come back?" is the first thing she demands, sharply, betrayal and pain leaking clearly into her voice no matter how hard she tries stopping it. "We were waiting for you. We thought if you were alive, you'd find a way back!"
A look of raw pain flashes across his face. That, at least, she knows he feels. Jacen can hide, but not from her. "I'm sorry, Ahsoka. I was trying to help. I thought if I could end this conflict, we wouldn't have to worry about being apart again."
"Well," she throws back bitterly, "Look where that took us."
"I'm so sorry," he says, hands clenching and unclenching, "I didn't mean for it to go this far. I thought we could do this together. I... thought you knew what happened to me."
"What? That you became a Sith?" she throws back, leaning forwards.
"That Dooku found me. That he saved me, and that I was safe."
"All this time," Ahsoka repeats, shaking her head. Tears are stringing her eyes now. "All this time, you could have come back to us, but you didn't. Did you even try?"
He looks away. That's enough of an answer for her. "You're right," he tells her quietly, "I should have come back to you. I was just trying to do what was right. That's what the Jedi teach."
"As if that even matters to you!"
"I haven't changed," he protests, "The Jedi have. They're fighting in a war. We're supposed to be peacekeepers. That's what you were meant to be. It's what we were trained for. Not this."
"You weren't meant for this either!" she yells back, temper flaring. She wants to scream. To shake sense back into him, somehow, but there's nothing she can do. She can do nothing, except sit here, because she's currently in the custody of her own best friend. This doesn't make sense, and it hurts more than anything else. She's relieved he's here, but she's not sure he's... what she's remembered. Master Yaddle said he wasn't, but he's still so very similar, all the way down to the same gentleness that she's never truly been able to understand. Both he and Anakin have a certain distinct gentleness to them. It had hurt so much sometimes to be with Anakin, because moments – often – they were so very similar. Mostly, Anakin is just, well, Anakin, and Jacen is softer, smoother, not quite as passionate or intense.
"When the Council wasn't taking action to end the war, I had to do it myself," he replies, "And this is more than just the war, Ahsoka. The Republic is falling. I lived in it. Anakin lived in it, too. I can't ignore that. I know you can't either, not forever."
She clenches her jaw, trying to find her anger again – anger is easier than this, because she... wants to spend time with him. She doesn't want them to be apart, and there's a desperate, wild part of her that's about to cave and give in even without him asking. She wants him back. Anakin does just as much. "You're wrong," she replies fiercely, determinedly, begging the Force that she be right.
But is she?
Ahsoka has never been able to understand the violence and death she's surrounded with. She fought, because it was what the Jedi had to do, and she rarely questioned it, but sometimes...
She wonders.
Like right now.
"Not on this. Please, Ahsoka. You must trust me on this."
"Like I trusted you to come back to us?"
He nearly flinches again. "I wanted to. But I knew if I just left, I would never have the chance to make any of this right."
"And how, exactly, are you doing that now?" she snaps back.
"The Separatists only want to reform. If the Republic would allow them to leave, there wouldn't be a war. If they stop fighting, this will end."
What? He thinks they should just give up? She can't deny his reasoning, but she doesn't want to believe it. He has to be wrong. There can't be... "If the Separatists stopped, it would have the same result," she argues.
"Except that they would be forced back to living in the corruption of the Republic," Jacen counters, "I know this isn't... how it should be, but the Republic is worse."
"That's not true!" she throws back furiously. "The Republic doesn't massacre people!"
"Wrong," he objects, "They do. They just cover it up. Both sides do that, but until the Separatists are an established government, they are unable to root out the corruption even they contain."
She knows he wouldn't be claiming that if he was entirely wrong, but that doesn't change the other point here. "You're using the Dark Side. You're helping a Sith."
"I didn't want to. I wasn't going to do it, but then I realized that... simply because Dooku was a Sith doesn't change that he's trying to help. The Dark Side is dangerous, but you don't have to lose yourself to it."
She doesn't understand what happened to him. She should ask. She wants to know. For anyone else, Ahsoka might be able to brush it off and accept that he's no longer who he once was, but this is Jacen. She can't give up hope on him so fast. She can't believe he's gone. It's been over a year, but that hasn't been nearly enough time for Ahsoka – or Anakin, or anyone, really – to let go of him. Jacen was too important to everyone. Maybe the grieving process is only said to be a year, maybe Jedi are supposed to be accustomed to letting go, but Ahsoka has not been able to do either.
Not for lack of trying. (As if it were possible to even try to let him go. Loss is like a shard of glass cutting her heart open, cutting her apart inside out, until she could barely breathe or move.)
"The Dark Side is dangerous," she snaps, "Maybe you haven't lost yourself to it yet, but it's a near thing." The I don't want to lose you again is left hanging in the air. She couldn't voice that anyway. Not after she already has once. The thought of it happening again is terrifying, simply put.
It breaks her thoroughly to know that they're never going to be able to have what they once shared. Never. It's impossible – not on different sides of the war. They're enemies. They should be fighting. So why... does it have to be so hard?
"I'm not going to," he promises quietly, solemnly.
"How can you stop it?" she asks bitterly.
"The Jedi say Sith don't care. They do. I know Dooku and Ventress both. And I still do, even if I'm not... a Sith. I don't want to be. I'm not going power crazed, Ahsoka. I just want to help."
He's being sincere, and how in the galaxy should she handle that? "Fine," Ahsoka bites back, leaning back in her seat. "What do you want, then?"
**w**
Jacen isn't sure she's willing to hear him out, but he can't blame her for that reluctance, either. He wronged her and his entire family. He doubts he'll be able to forgive himself for it before they do. If he ever does. "I think," he says slowly, "That's enough about the state of the galaxy. We haven't seen each other in a long time."
Ahsoka huffs out a breath, even if she still does not look happy. He can't blame her for that. "Anakin and I thought you were dead. We all did."
He can't even imagine how much both of them – everyone – must have been hurting from that, and it sends a sharp wave of guilt through him. Maybe he should've done something differently. Something to just... at least let them know he was alive. He thought they would've figured it out, but... It doesn't change that they didn't know and were mourning him all this time.
He was constantly worried for them, too, but that's different than this. "I'm sorry," he says again, "I – I tried to watch over you from a distance, however I could. How... have you been?" It feels like he doesn't have the right to ask when this is so much his fault, but... He needs to know.
He's expecting another sharp retort, but then she starts talking. "I became Anakin's padawan a few months later."
"What happened about that anyway?" Jacen asks, "I thought they weren't planning on letting you be a padawan."
"All the more skilled younglings in the same range were sent to be padawans, even if they didn't want to be, after the war started," she replies, "I was supposed to assist Master Kenobi with his... Council paperwork but he passed me off to Anakin."
He internally winces. So soon after Geonosis, after Jacen himself left them, he can't imagine how stressed Anakin must have been. It couldn't have been easy to train Ahsoka, especially in a warzone. It would be worse because they were both grieving. "How was Anakin... handling it?"
"As well as you can imagine," Ahsoka tells him, "He kept driving himself to breaking point after. I can't tell if he stopped caring or if he was too... determined to keep it from happening again."
Jacen suppresses the urge to apologize again. This can't be fixed by an apology – nothing can be – and it definitely can't be rebuilt by one. He broke this, and he has to find a way to fix it, though that will only take time and patience, which he is readily willing to give them. "What about... my mother?"
"I don't know. I never saw her," Ahsoka answers slowly, "But I can't imagine she took it any better than any of us did."
A silence settles over them, thick, unlike it ever has been. It's just a glaring reminder of how much everything has changed. He craves what they used to have, needs it, more desperately than he has needed anything in his life, but some things can never be gotten back. Time only moves forwards.
He looks at her again through the dim lighting of the room, noticing for the first time how much she's grown. She's taller, her lekku longer, and her facial markings significantly more distinct. She looks more mature, battle hardened. It breaks his heart to see. That shouldn't have been her. It should never have been Ahsoka who had to go through that. When this happened, when the war broke out, she should never have been hurt or caught in the middle of it. Never.
He doesn't think he realized, in their time apart, how deeply he craved to be with her again until right now, when they're so close yet so unreachably far apart.
"I missed you. All of you," he confesses finally, trying to ignore the part of his mind that rages at him for daring to voice that. It doesn't feel like he has a right to, but really, he's the only one holding himself back. And it needs to be said.
The look of hurt in Ahsoka's eyes burn deep. "You too."
"I wanted to contact you. It was all I could think about for days after I woke up, but I... didn't want you to get in trouble with the Council for receiving a transmission from Separatist space. Or the Republic. I should have done it anyway."
"I wish you had."
"Me too." It's lame, yet the most he can offer. He loathes everything about this situation, and most of all, that he was put in a position where he was forced to choose between his family and what they believed in. And sometimes, Jacen knows, everyone has to choose between what the galaxy needs them to be, and what they are. As a Jedi, he's always chosen the former. Sometimes... he wishes he hadn't.
"So, what now?" Ahsoka asks finally, "Or are you planning on... keeping me here?"
He wishes it were something he had more control over, but he can't very well let her out unless she's agreed to join him – he would be in serious trouble if he did that. Even if he thinks Dooku would understand, that doesn't change the fact that there's laws involved, laws that come first, whether he likes it or not. Unless she had a staged escape, but he wants her to be with him. To... understand what he's doing, and help him if she agrees, too.
At the same time, it also means she won't be with Anakin either, and Jacen can't imagine how that must be for him, to have lost both of them. All he can do is try to find his brother faster, somehow. The missions he goes on aren't really under his control, but there has to be something.
"It's not in my control to let you out, unless... you agree to help me."
Ahsoka's eyes narrow. "I'm not going to betray the Jedi. And I'm never going to use the Dark Side."
"You don't... have to, to do this," Jacen points out.
"Then why did you?"
He thinks of the guilt eating him away constantly, until he couldn't hold it off anymore. Of all the blood on his hands – even from his time as a Jedi. It was hard not to, especially when he wasn't with his family anymore. "I did it because I thought it was right. I... I don't know. I was left for dead there, on Geonosis. Maybe I should have been able to let it go. But I haven't. And what Anakin and I lived through on Tatooine, what we had to go through at the Temple to try being... someone, being people, it was wrong. It was all wrong. I can't forgive that."
"You had me," she argues, "We were training to be Jedi. Why would that be..."
How can he explain this to her? It only partly makes sense in his own mind. "You always lived a privileged life, Ahsoka." She never knew what it was like to be nothing, to constantly fear being separated, to be starving and realize years later the only reason you ever had food was because your mother and brother gave up what they needed to survive. And all the while knowing the Republic would never care enough to save them, and Jacen's seen them do that to so many others over the years.
"Anakin and I lived in the worst of the Republic's failures, and I saw them doing it over and over again. I can't do nothing about it anymore. What I'm doing now... It may not be all right, but it's better than what the Republic is. It can be made better. You can help me. We can do it together."
"We were acting on it though," she argues, "The Jedi were helping. It's what we do."
"Were they?" he asks, shaking his head. "They may have tried, but it was never enough. If it was, Anakin and I wouldn't have been waiting in vain for years. How many others do you think are out there, waiting, and we'll never help them, because we never tried hard enough? We can't sit quiet, Ahsoka. Sometimes, we have to take matters into our own hands."
"I've seen the Separatists killing people senselessly," Ahsoka protests, "How do you know they aren't also hurting the ones they're supposed to be protecting?"
"I know Dooku," he answers, "He'll try. He is trying. He can't control everything, not yet, but once he can, we'll be able to fix this. One part at a time. We can't reach the entire galaxy at once, but – but those under the CIS, at least. We have to start somewhere. Small. It will take time, but at least we'll be doing more than the Jedi are now."
"Maybe," she responds, "But I can't believe the Jedi are wrong, not about this."
"I didn't want to, either." It's lame, but the most he can offer her. Jacen had struggled with it for a long time, and still does, questioning if he truly spent his years as a Jedi doing nothing constructive, regretting how many times he could have but didn't help people. Jedi teach not to let guilt interfere with your duty, and he has tried, but... that is one thing he has never quite mastered. But guilt is never undeserved, and it's meant to better people. He understands that, at least.
"But you did," she accuses, "And you betrayed us all."
He looks away, trying to find some semblance of calm, something to reassure her with. There's nothing. "That's... not what I thought it was."
"You sided with the Sith! What else could it have been?"
"I think we haven't seen each other in long enough that we can avoid arguing," he replies. "You know why I did. And I don't blame you for being angry at me. That doesn't mean I care about you any less than I always have. It's... like what we did at the Temple. When we did everything together. Like... when you helped me see my mother because you knew I needed it. I can't thank you for that enough. I will always be indebted to you, Ahsoka." Idly, he thinks he doesn't even know why she puts up with him. Even now, when she'd be perfectly justified for hating him. Except she doesn't. She's angry at him, but mostly hurt, and that's why she's lashing out. It's natural. He can't demand anything from her.
"I can't do this," she tells him finally. "I can't."
"It's okay," he replies quietly, though there's a sudden gnawing realization in the back of his mind – he had been so desperate to have her back that he never considered what would happen if she was captured. She's a prisoner of war now, and unless she agrees to join him, he has no say in what happens to her.
And if she's hurt... that's on him. He can't let that happen.
"There were times," Jacen continues, "Many times, that I wanted to stop and go back, but I knew if I did, everything I did, everything I went through and put you through would have been for nothing. It... was the only way I could make it matter. I took the worst and tried to make it better. Maybe I should have come back, I don't know, but I can't regret those I've been able to help, or that we're finally one step closer to peace. But... if it matters, I am sorry."
He stands, moving for the door. There's nothing else he can say right now, anyway. That's when something else occurs to him. "The Sith are controlling the Republic, too. The difference is that with one, everyone knows while the other is in the shadows. It's only a matter of whether you want to bring it to an end, or to continue fighting for something that has already fallen."
She doesn't reply. Jacen forces himself to turn and leave the room. He doesn't have time to stay here – he needs to report back with an update.
**w**
Ahsoka stares blankly at the wall. She's paced the room long enough that she's exhausted, and it's a good way to stop from thinking. Except she's alone now with just her thoughts and a very boring wall to look at. She can't understand how this happened. She thought, with all honesty, that Jacen would be willing to come back, but it's not surprising. One thing definitely true about both him and Anakin is that they are very stubborn. And when they think something's right – even if it's most assuredly not – they don't stop, no matter what anyone has to do or say about it.
They have heart and courage that way. Ahsoka doesn't know what to think about it now. She's... worried Jacen will go too far and get hurt because of it. She's afraid of losing him again. She's afraid of him losing himself to the Dark Side, the same way Dooku so clearly has. But Jacen is so kind, and the thought of him being lost...
It feels impossible. It should be. But Ahsoka has no way to know that for sure. All she does know is that she needs to make a decision, and fast. Soon. It's unlikely they'll let her think for much longer.
Ahsoka has never craved so deeply for another's support. She's accustomed to operating on her own, but this is different. This decision is... she doesn't even know why she's considering it, but she can't help it. Yes, the Separatists are evil – there's no question of that, but if she could end the war sooner? Somehow?
How could she truly and justly turn down that kind of offer? How many people could she help? How much suffering could she spare in the people she's meant to protect? She can't... refuse that possibility.
Unless she escapes. Somehow. Which Ahsoka is fairly certain would get Jacen in very big trouble with his superiors, and... she doesn't want that to happen either. She still cares about him, even if she can't trust him. Not yet.
Maybe if she agrees to help him, even if only in pretense, she can find a way to get both of them out of this, and maybe end the war at the same time. Although she has absolutely no idea how to go about that. She can only take it one step at a time.
For now, she can only wait until Jacen comes back, which isn't long later.
He doesn't look very happy this time. "They're going to transfer you soon, I think," he says, pacing near the entrance, "There's... nothing I can do about it."
She should have expected this to happen. And if it does, she'll just be... waiting for the Republic to try getting her back, and she highly doubts there'll be any prisoner exchanges anytime soon when the governments aren't even on talking terms. "And what then?"
"I don't know if I'll be able to see you anymore," Jacen explains. "You can think about it more, but..."
"If I did join you, what would I do?" she replies, "Do you really think we could bring this to a faster end working from this side? Even if we're held back by the corruption all around us?"
"What power would we have if we were Jedi? Except winning an individual battle here and there? We would just be... pawns."
She holds back the instant retorts that rise, because fighting about it isn't going to help. She doesn't agree with what he's doing, but she can't deny his points either. She still clearly remembers when she and Anakin had gone to Tatooine to negotiate with Jabba (a slaver), and she knows how haunted he seemed by going back there, even if he was trying to hide it. "What power do you have here?" she counters.
"I have more freedom to do as I choose on missions," Jacen offers, "I can try to do what's in the best interests of the planets, as much as I can. And I know Dooku personally. I don't believe he would betray us. Yes, yes, I know he's a Sith, and it's what they do, but he's helped Anakin and me when no one else did. He helped when the Jedi didn't."
Truthfully, Ahsoka thinks there's only one way forward from here, even if she doesn't stick around because she certainly doesn't intend to. "I'll help you," she concedes finally, "But I need to know that we're actually doing something. And I'm not going to fight against the clones after I've been protecting them for a year now."
Jacen winces. "I wouldn't ask you to. I haven't fought them much either."
"What have you been doing, then?" The thought of him killing the clones doesn't... sit well with her. She's not close with them, but they're still people, and she knows every one lost matters to Anakin.
"Small missions. Mostly stealth ones." That's hardly any better, but she doesn't comment. "You can... come with me. I am certain we can figure this out together."
She closes her eyes, breathing in deeply, silently begging the Force that she's not making a terrible mistake, before nodding.
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