The first night was the worst.
I'd gotten so used to sleeping next to Eric that it was almost impossible for me to sleep at all. I'd followed Uriah home, where he and Marlene were gracious enough to offer me their couch. All of the lingering doubts Uriah had about his girlfriend were laid to rest when he learned she and Tori were playing along with Evelyn's game in support of Tobias's plan to take his mother down.
Myron had arrived for a session with me early this morning, where he explained that Eric had also had an incredibly difficult night. He'd remained combative, and uncooperative, and the journal had sat untouched the entire night. Tobias had gone to talk to him, with a promise that Eric would remain under guard until he understood everything he'd been through, and Myron's first stop was to check in with me.
"He will eventually listen to reason. We're just having to prove to him that he did, in fact, lose over three months of his life. Eric had no idea that the war had even happened, in his mind he believes Jeanine is currently on the cusp of starting it, and we're somehow conspiring to keep him from stopping her. Four plans on having him speak with Jack Kang today, and perhaps someone named Cara Sutton who I believe to be the new leader of Erudite." Myron says.
"She's Will's sister. She didn't like me when she visited." I whisper.
"Will as in your friend you lost in the war?" He implores.
"You mean the man I shot and killed, right Myron?" I spit and he doesn't even flinch.
"Yes. The man you killed in self-defense after he'd murdered your mother and turned his gun on you." Myron reminds me and I bury my head in my arms. The silence between us is a surprisingly comfortable place, and I appreciate Myron more than ever for just allowing me time to gather my thoughts.
"How is he?"
I don't have to explain who he is, Myron knows I'm worried about Eric, "Paranoid, confused, unsettled." He lists off.
"He won't read the journal?"
Myron shakes his head, "Not yet. He spiraled a bit, I had to sedate him to get him to sleep and even then it was only for a few hours. You once told me you two didn't get along, I take it that his current disposition is why."
I chuckle despite the situation, "Yeah. He's kind of an asshole."
"Kind of?" Myron smirks, the look so strange on his normally kind and happy face, and I can't help but laugh.
I'd spent most of my day with Christina, who true to her word was putting her all into working on our friendship. I was nervous, and it showed, but she was kind and talkative, like nothing had happened between us. We'd dealt with our pain head-on, so it was a normal transition into healing our strained relationship.
She was also the first person, besides Myron, to bring Eric up, and it was in the quiet safety of her apartment.
"Have the two of you talked at all since his memory was restored?" Chris asks me and I absentmindedly stir my coffee.
"No. The last thing he said was for me to get the fuck out of his sight, and I've done that." I reply and her honey toned eyes meet mine.
"Oh sweetie, you know he doesn't mean that." She offers and I shake my head.
"Myron said he's having a hard time with everything. He is combative, and not very cooperative, and he's even more pissed that Four is ordering him on house arrest until they can get him calmed."
"From what I understand, they have a pretty small window in which to stop whatever Evelyn has planned, so getting Eric calm is imperative." She replies and I frown at her.
"How do you know so much about this? I thought it was pretty limited to leadership."
"I'm an ambassador, and Zeke and I are close." She admits quietly.
"Oh..." I trail off and she looks at me with a worried expression.
"You think it's too soon after Will, don't you?" She asks.
I shake my head, "No, not at all, I don't want you to think that. I just thought he and Shauna had something."
"Shauna and Four have been off and on since he transferred. They've been back on for a bit now." Christina says and she looks at me, gauging my reaction.
"I always knew he had someone here," I shrug, "I just hope that when he and I were intimate that it was during an off time for them."
"From what I understand it wasn't exactly, but I guess it caused them to put a title on what they were. I'm sorry if this is hard-"
"Of course it's hard to hear this from someone other than him, but I'm over him. I wouldn't have started something with Eric had I still loved Four." I reply and she nods.
"Four should have told you. I may respect him as a leader, but as a boyfriend he's a coward. Zeke said that within a week of you transferring Four ghosted Shauna. The whole time he was with you, he was gaslighting both of you. It's immature."
I pick at my nails, "It is."
"Was he a part of your reasons?" She asks carefully and I meet her eyes, "Four?"
"Chris..." I trail off, casting my eyes down at my lap.
"Zeke... he wants to talk to you, too. He's missed you."
"I had a lot of guilt. I felt so alone, and that day I just thought it would be easier to not be here anymore." I reply without looking at her.
"I'm so sorry for being a part of that." Christina says and I shrug.
"You had a reason to hate me. Everyone does-"
"No," She says emphatically, "not one person in this faction hates you. You lost so much. I just want you to know that we're here, Zeke, Uri, me, Mar, Tori... we're all here. I don't ever want you to feel like not being here is the answer. We love you. Tris, we just can't... I can't... if you weren't here I wouldn't be complete. You're the first friend I made here, you own a piece of my heart."
"But Will..." I trail off into a sob and she scoots closer and wraps her arms around me.
"It wasn't him. You did exactly what I would have done had I gone through what you did that day. You made the choice you HAD to make." She soothes as she rocks me against her.
"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me." I sob against her and she squeezes me tighter.
"There's nothing to for me to forgive, you just have to forgive yourself."
I had agreed to go to the cafeteria with Christina, and thankfully our friends didn't treat me like I'd break. Tori gave me a tight hug when she saw me, other than that it was as if no time had passed. I'd picked at my meal, and tried to follow the conversations around me, but my mind constantly wandered to Eric.
I watched as Tobias and Myron got into the chow line, and I tried to read their lips or body language but failed. Tobias saw me staring, and he says something to Myron who turns and smiles sadly at me.
I look away.
"It's good to see you down here." I'm surprised to find Zeke next to me, his kind brown eyes soft and staring into mine.
"Zeke," I smile and he nudges my shoulder with his, "It's so good to see you."
"Likewise." He grins at me, "You're looking good. Healthy. You doing okay being back?"
"It takes some getting used to." I admit, "I'm just figuring out where I belong."
"I've got an opening in the control room with me. Would you be interested?" He asks.
"Seriously?"
"Seriously. You did great in your initiation, you need a good job, I need a dependable employee. It makes sense to me." He explains.
"Zeke, you... you're the one who pulled me back on the roof..."
"And I'm glad that I did." He smiles.
"Me too." I smile back, "So, when can I start?"
Zeke had an overnight shift, so when he slipped me his apartment key and said he'd already set up the guest room for me it left little room for argument. I'd been there for about an hour when I'd gotten a text from a number I didn't recognize.
This is all true?
T: Who is this?
Eric
I stare at the phone, my stomach in knots, and my heart beating fast.
E: It's in my handwriting. You were there? This is about you. Is it all true?
T: Is Myron with you?
The phone rings and I almost drop it. I take a deep breath and answer.
"He keeps giving me this psycho babble bullshit and Four fucking tells me to read this shit. We were in a mental institution?" Eric rambles without as much as a hello.
"Eric..."
"Tell me. Were we in a fucking mental hospital?" He asks angrily.
"Yes."
"We were together?" He asks.
"Yes."
"We had sex?" He presses.
"Yes."
"You're kidding me, I fucked an actual mental case?" He barks out an ironic laugh that I'm very familiar with, this is the asshole instructor, not my Eric.
No... not my Paul.
"Eric, that's-"
I don't get a chance to finish my thought before he interrupts me, "You're on something right? You're not trying to pin a kid on me. I'm not falling for this shit-"
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I seethe, "I'm not pinning anything on you. Do you not see your own handwriting documenting everything we went through there?"
"I skipped to the end, the beginning was boring. I don't want to read this shit, just tell me we didn't fuck without protection." He replies coldly.
"Don't worry Eric. I may be a mental case, but I remained on the protection serum, and you won't have to worry about me pinning a goddamn thing on you."
I ended the call and wrapped my arms around my pillow, crying.
Myron had called me after the tense conversation with Eric, and I'd reluctantly agreed to talk to him. He'd explained that Eric was still angry at everything he was learning that led to his memory wipe, but even with his anger he was making progress. After our tense and hurtful conversation, he'd taken the journal to his room with him, and Myron believed he was finally reading it in its entirety.
"I don't know that I'm strong enough to do this." I admitted.
"You're doing extremely well. If you weren't impacted by his behavior I'd be worried. My only concern is you being alone right now." He replied.
"Zeke will be home tomorrow morning."
"You've had a lot happen to you over the past twenty-four hours. I'd feel better if you weren't alone." Myron presses.
"I'll be fine." I reply angrily before disconnecting the call.
M: You should come here.
I look at the text and angrily type out a reply.
T: Why? So I can try to trap Eric with a possible pregnancy that he fucking invented in his mind? No thank you. He's already told me that he doesn't want to see me.
M: He's reading the journal. All of it. You may need to be here for it.
"No." I whisper out loud. When the phone rings, I power it off and leave it on the kitchen counter.
I can't deal with Eric or Myron right now.
I decide to take a shower, and then I use some of the clothes that Christina and Marlene loaned me to dress for bed.
I rummage through Zeke's cabinets until I find the one he stores his liquor in, and I reach for the first bottle I find. I take the cap off and down a long drink of the dark liquid, cringing at the burn I feel on its way down.
"I don't need him." I repeat between gulps of the fiery liquid. I keep drinking until my head feels like I'm underwater, and until I no longer see Eric's face when I close my eyes.