Chapter 7: Hello, Netto kun

'I...I am a hypocrite. A dirty unworthy hypocrite!'

Netto was walking towards the school. He was so early today that he came out of the house even before Mayl knocked at the door. It was their daily routine to walk together to school every morning, though his opinion was not reflected in this arrangement as it was established purely by Mayl's insistence. He could not deny that Mayl's clockwork-like diligence and consistency saved him from several occasions of tardiness. Consequently, his mother was quite content with Mayl also, and let out her son when she arrived at the door, hoping the academic character of their neighbor might rub off onto her son. This annoyed Netto to some degree, as he felt as if the relationship was forced into his throat, but he did not resent Mayl herself, as she was always polite, always nice, always considerate. Rather, he resented that he had to go to school early in the morning, and that Mayl was a collaborator with his mother.

This day it was different. Netto was walking towards the school with a somatic manifestation of his mental shock in the form of unfocused eyes and a half-open mouth. He would stop in his tracks from time to time, completely absorbed in his thoughts, but of this, he was not aware. Some pedestrians glanced at him to check if the boy was okay.

'Father once said that in dream manifested one's worries, wishes, and beliefs of the unconscious...it was a dream indeed. Otherwise, why would I see him?'

Netto had a dream this morning. He saw Saito Hikari, his late brother. In what setting the dream unfolded, he no longer remembered, but the fact that he saw Saito remained firmly in the memory.

'Saito appearing in my dream is hardly surprising, as he had been at the back of my mind constantly. Although, it seems how much I worry about something is not necessarily connected to whether I will dream about that subject. I only saw him in my dream once, right after the funeral. In that dream, we were sitting on the swing in the park, his favorite place. He stood up and left, and behind him, I begged and cried. He did not turn back nor said anything in return...So this is the second time I saw him in my dream...of course it is surprising! It's only the second time!'

Netto stopped in front of a zebra crossing, waiting for the green signal. Netto was not aware of all this as his body was on autopilot, separate from his thoughts. His body was carrying him to the school in habit.

'But this time, we talked. What did we say? Remember Netto, damn it, remember it all!'

Netto crossed the road.

'First, I asked why he left me. What a foolish question! He did not leave me behind out of his own will! And then he answered...ah, yes, he answered that I had to be strong. That must be due to what Masa san told me yesterday, that Saito would not want to see me so weak and dejected. I know he would say that to me too. He was strong in spirit. In all matters, his spirit was willing but his flesh was weak...but then, the second exchange...Netto, how could you!'

Netto, in the dream, then pleaded Saito that he could not live without him, and that they-the Hikaris, could not live without him. Shockingly, Saito, or his unconscious mind disguised as Saito, told him this:

-Yes, you can. Have faith. I was only a chain of slavery to you. Now you are emancipated.

Slavery! Chain of slavery! Never once in his waking had he thought of Saito in this way, but the dream revealed him otherwise. The knowledge that deep down inside him was a burning resentment conflicting with his conscious desire destroyed him. In perpetual sorrow he was since the funeral, but was his soul secretly rejoicing? In the newfound freedom? Then, did this mean that he was a profligate hedonist who cared about nothing except the pleasure he gained from netbattling?

'Saito niisan...to think I was a hypocrite all this time...I can swear that I never thought of you as a burden. Truly, I can swear! But even if I do, and you hear me, will you believe me?'

One solace was that the dream ended in accordance with the conscious ego. He sobbed and begged Saito to not leave him, just like in the first dream. Much to his joy, in the second dream, Saito, who was about to leave him, turned back, and returned. The dream ended there and Netto woke up like a diver gasping for air, completely covered in sweat. The clock indicated that it was only 6:00 A.M.

'I must have been very desperate, to have him come back to me in the dream. And to think today is my birthday and will be surrounded by everyone. How am I going to face my friends without loathing myself?'

When Netto came to, he was already in front of the ACDC elementary school gate. A deep sigh burst out from his mouth. Netto slowly proceeded to his classroom, trying to find something, anything, that might lighten his mood.

When Yuichiro came out of the hot shower, he looked like a transcended man who no longer had anything of value left on Earth. He clearly anticipated several possible reactions from Haruka, and whatever conclusion she ended up with, he was ready to be destroyed. In the shower, he decided that he would accept any verdict placed on him, and obey the wisdom of his wife. The burden was no longer his the moment he confessed.

What he did not expect was a crying Haruka with PET in her chest. She told Yuichiro repeatedly like a broken toy: "Look, our son is back! Our son is back!" Of course, Rockman had to repeat the story, and answer some questions from the scientist who was still suspicious of the possibility of it being a fabricated memory by the artificial Saito personality in its attempt to resolve the discrepancy between its perceived identity and the reality, but Yuichiro had to admit as well. The story was too detailed, too bizarre, and had bits of information that Rockman should not have been physically possible to gain access to if it was not true. How he worked, what he did in the office, the dreadful chill he felt right before the waking up of Rockman-the navi knew them all.

It was only a matter of time before Yuichiro, too, completely broke down like his wife, kissing and hugging the PET, shedding tears of indescribable relief. He was vindicated. Rockman just redeemed him. Rockman took the sin of his father and hid it in his soul. What could have been a creation of an unforgivable abomination was transformed into a miracle of resurrection.

When the lacrimal glands of both adults had been thoroughly emptied out, they sat on the sofa in the living room, with Rockman placed on the table so that he could see them both through the screen. For some time, they sat there silently. Yuichiro was contemplating, Haruka was trying to figure out how she could interact with her son further, and Rockman was checking through the functions of the PET to help out his mother. This was the first time Rockman worked as a navi, for only a day before he was still Saito, but somehow he felt familiar with manipulating PET and exercising his power as a netnavi. To much disappointment of Haruka, Rockman found the 'touch navi' interaction function was locked away.

'Ah, it's because Netto kun usually pokes me with this too much and does not focus in class, so I locked it away...'

A sudden pang of headache went through Rockman. He reflexively put his left hand on his head with a slight frown. Then he realized what he just thought.

'Netto kun...usually? W-what? Pokes me? I...locked?'
"Oh, Saito, what's wrong? Mama is so sorry. I should've let you rest first. Come, I'll take you to your room-"

It was only the first day in the new body. Rockman decided to not overthink the matter.

"It's okay. I think I'll be fine once I get used to this body..."
"Exactly, and the rest is what you need right now. Let's go"

At the commotion, Yuichiro surfaced from his deep dive into thoughts.

"Haruka, wait, I believe we must set some ground rules right now so that we might spare ourselves from committing a grave mistake. Our situation is more critical than what might appear right now. We must not let the peace of this morning fool us into wanton relaxation. I'm sorry...Rockman, but please bear with me for five more minutes."
"Rockman? Yuichiro, what do you mean?"
"Rule number one: we should refer to Saito as from now on. It is his navi name, and we shall hide his true identity. I need not elaborate on the dangers this information poses to me, to you, to our sons."
"Very well, Rockman we will call him. What's with that name?"
"I...I wanted our son to reunite us with a tie as strong as a rock. The name bore my hope of...uh, restoration."

Haruka raised an eyebrow at the explanation. Yuichiro could not read if that was an approval or a disapproval.

"Oh Yuichiro, I knew you were a sentimental person, but your naming sense...ah, no matter. The name serves a practical purpose, though I am not convinced you were aware of this. Since Saito suffered from HBD, a strong name like this will give the impression that diverts the attention from the truth. Now, you might find this opinion shocking, but I believe we should keep his appearance as is, including his face."
"I know I am the one who started all this, but Haruka, please think again, we at least need to cover his face!"
"I am well aware that this decision will make it harder to hide the truth in the long run, but Netto...he will need it. He is still not over the death of his brother, and...he is dying from sorrow. He won't accept any other navi unless the reason is as compelling as this: the face of Saito."
"Haruka...are you serious? This is untenable!"
"We will have to work extra hard to keep the secret, but you can only say that because you have not seen Netto past...three months. This is strictly necessary."

Haruka collected her breath for a second, and then continued.

"There are factors in our favor also: Sai..Rockman's voice is slightly higher pitched from the PET speaker limitations, and his helmet covers up to his eyebrows. His earcovers also give a new silhouette to the face, obfuscating the impression further. From what I learned at the funeral, most of the Scilab workers did not even know we had a son named Saito, let alone his face. Netto's friends will find the appearance of Rockman a bit bizarre but within the bounds of the explicable phenomenon, for they too will understand that Netto would not have taken it any other way. They witnessed the past three months that Netto has not been taking the...absence...of Saito not so well.
Darling, let me guess. The second rule is to not let Netto find out, yes?"

Yuichiro was visibly surprised.

"Haruka, are you reading my mind?"
"More or less."
"I..."

Yuichiro decided to not say anything. Haruka always did this to him, always finding him when he needed her most. This was how they got married also. Although he was the one who proposed to Haruka, perhaps she already knew when and how it was going to happen.

"Haruka, my dear, yes, we should not let Netto know. He is too young, and should not be burdened with the need for secrecy. Let us adults do the dirty works, for secret gnaws at the soul."
"And make sure you discard all family photos from your workplace. Do not leave a photo trace of Saito."
"...Right."
"Anything else to add?"
"...No. Let's add more rules as we go on, as needed. Rockman, you understand, right? You must not let Netto know that you are Saito."

Rockman, who had been only listening, answered with a tone of dejection.

"...Okay"
"...Good boy. Alright, now let's get you upstairs. Try to rest up a bit. Ostensibly, you will be introduced as the new custom netnavi I made for Netto's birthday."
"Now that everything is settled, my handsome, for today please help me prepare for the Netto's birthday party. Oh, don't give me that look, you are not going back to Scilab to clean up your mess. Do that tomorrow. If you go back now, then it will be even more suspicious. Oh, and come home early the next few days. We will have to clear out Saito's belongings quickly."

Yuichiro nodded once and then took the PET before starting his way upstairs, where Netto's room was. The way Haruka was back to her usual self of being decisive and analytical, as soon as her son was restored to her, scared him. Oh, how thankful he was that she was on his side! Yuichiro checked the PET before entering Netto's room. Rockman was clearly not happy. No parent wins against their children. Yuichiro yielded.

"Rockman, keep this a secret between us two. We will let Netto know the truth when the appropriate time comes, when he can brush off the malice of the world with nonchalance. Until then, please promise me you will hide your identity from your brother."
"Okay, until then."
"Until then."

Yuichiro gave a smile of assurance to Rockman, though the blue navi could not hide his sadness.

.

.

Rockman waited patiently in the PET, on Netto's desk, next to the drawer in which objects Netto forgot but could never throw away were exiled. He could see the bright blue sky through the window, near which rested the soccer ball Saito used to watch his brother play with. The memories flooded into his head. He would not be able to be with Netto as a brother starting from now, but he was content. He was back.

'Netto kun, did you know? I sacrificed my flesh for your flesh.'

It was a story they both knew so well. In the mother's womb, Saito had already yielded nutrients to save Netto from HBD. In consequence, he was the one who suffered from the disease and was tormented by modern medicine. He would make the same choice again if given the option. This digital flesh would too be sacrificed without hesitation should the need arise.

'Netto kun, do you know? I sacrificed my soul for your soul'

The white train ticket to the eternal rest, the paradise for his soul, he forfeited so he could return. His salvation was exchanged for the possibility of comforting Netto-a greatly imbalanced trade with him at a severe disadvantage. Yet a slimmer of hope was enough for him to agree to this demonic transaction. The conversation between his parents confirmed this: Netto was dying from sorrow. If he could stop the tears from flowing, then the soul of his little brother would be saved too.

'Netto kun, will you know? I sacrificed my freedom for your freedom'

He voluntarily chose the existence trapped in the digital world. For one, it was to redeem his father from the ruin. For two, it was to redeem Netto from the emotional shackles he put on him as Saito. In this way, he freed them from the fall, at the price of his own freedom. He was not yet aware of the full ramifications of this decision, for had he known, he would've surely despaired. Well, for now, not even Yuichiro fully grasped what the existence of Rockman meant for the world, though he was soon to deduce it with his logic.

Rockman recalled what Netto looked like under the sun, how it felt to hug him, how it was to hear the healthy heartbeats, the warmth next to him during the nights. Those were the precious memories that he would never experience again. The freedom of flesh was no more with him. Instead, he became a netnavi, a slave in essence.

'In need, only ask, because I will give you more.'

He knew that his brother liked netbattling, and that it was part of his future. Saito lived a life far removed from violence; the very thought of a life saturated with fights turned his stomach. Nevertheless, there was no regret. This simply was to be another concession he was to make. If this style of life was unavoidable, then he was to become the best at it. He would not take it any other way, for becoming the best was the only way he could assure the safety of his...operator.

'I will be with you, and watch you enter middle school, high school, college, and then see you make a family, become a strong fruitful tree...and until you no longer need me. So, Netto kun, don't cry, keep your head high, look forward. Niisan is here, okay? It's my turn to look after you.'

Though his father promised him a time of revelation in the future, Saito, being a son between Yuichiro and Haruka, the brilliant minds, was a boy smart enough to understand why things had to be this way. Rockman's body augmented his calculative abilities further that he quickly came to a conclusion, much faster than he would have if he was still fully human: he did not mind if his identity had to remain a secret from Netto forever. In his love for Netto, all was permissible, and suffering his crown.

.

.

When the world started to turn bright yellow to pink in the late summer afternoon, Netto and his friends entered the house. Rockman could only hear the muffled sound of excitement and turbulence as the sound diffracted and dissipated through the corridor and a door, but he could not miss the characteristic bellowing of Dekao. Based on the number of unique voice patterns, there were at least seven people on the first floor.

Rockman, bored, ran a correlation calculation between the voice of Yuichiro and the kids making a noise of wonder. It was a strong r^2 = 0.85 (+-0.15) with 95% confidence interval. Although correlation could not be interpreted into causality, the circumstances were convincing that whatever Yuichiro was doing was the center of the attention. Rockman inferred that he was showing the recent projects in Scilab. Of course, Saito was never educated in this level of mathematics and information analysis, but it all came as a package with the new body. Saito was rapidly becoming something not human. Perhaps Saito was already gone, fused beyond recognition with the cybernetics.

Soon, there was a little commotion and shoutings, quickly followed by noise of silverwares making contacts with ceramics. Mother must have made a masterpiece of a culinary work to receive such a reception. Rockman hoped the food was to Ms. Yaito Ayanokiji's standards, as she would have been familiar with the works of professional cooks employed in her mansion. He could not detect any auditory cues that helped his analysis on this matter, which was to be expected, as Yaito was a person who would never act against what was considered proper manners. Even if the food tasted like a pile of mud, she would not speak anything against it, but would simply decline any future invitations. A perfectionist in him, which he inherited from his father, wanted everyone invited to be satisfied.

From Rockman's point of view, nothing noteworthy happened afterwards. There was an exchange of gifts, followed by a tea time around a table. A more natural course of event would be permitting kids do what they wanted to do, but Yuichiro did not want them going into Netto's room and discovering Rockman prematurely. Him acting as a happy benevolent father was only a ploy-the situation was delicate and he needed a full control of variables. As planned beforehand, he decided to throw away few more classified information (of low security, of course) as a decoy. Yaito, who had originally planned to leave early after the dinner, not having the motivation to be entertained by children's play, ended up staying with everyone. She quickly realized the value in gaining access to insider information and made her netnavi, Glyde, record the session. Her father would see it and decide its value. Yaito happily imagined her getting a compliment from her father through this minor espionage. It was not like she was attention deprived; rather, she had been pampered her entire life, with her parents constantly itching to give her more, both emotionally and monetarily, and she exercising self-control to not abuse the unlimited support by her parents. But when it came to compliments, oh how she loved them! The more the better it was.

It was when the sun was well below the horizon that the kids started to leave. There was still light on the streets, but the dusk would only last fifteen minutes or so. Using the late time as an excuse, Yuichiro ended the party. There was a limit to how long he could keep the young minds interested, and Netto's room was off limits today. With the guests gone, Rockman could only hear the murmurs and parents doing the dishes. Then, someone started running up the staircase. It was the running sound of lovely feet, quick and light, like a squirrel climbing a tree.

'Netto kun is here! What kind of face should I make? Damn it, what was I supposed to say when we meet?'

Netto burst open the door, wasted no time to his desk, grabbed the PET, and their eyes met. On Netto's face was a large grin and glittering eyes, full of expectations. It was the happy face of Netto he yearned to see for so long. It quickly disappeared, however, and then got replaced with an expression Rockman never anticipated. For a moment Netto looked as if he was going to cry, which was then immediately substituted by something that resembled anger or frustration. Rockman pinpointed what that expression was: bitterness. Was he that disappointing? This was not how he envisioned the meeting would turn out. In the subconscious was the presumtion that there would be the 'happily ever after' ending that he read so many times in his favorite bedtime stories. Well, there was no time to contemplate how he could rectify the situation. He had to lie. He promised. Rockman proceeded with his prepared greetings and a smile, with hands behind him to hide his nervousness.

"Hello, Netto kun! I am Rockman, your personal netnavi, made by Dr. Yuichiro! I'll be in your care!"

Now Netto turned a little pale. He retracted his hands off the PET like a child who touched a hot pan, and stepped back. He was wobbly, but he did not avert his eyes from the netnavi. Netto mumbled in a tone of disbelief.

"Was I not good enough, dad?"

Rockman heard that loud and clear, and it stupefied him. From the shocked reaction of Netto, and how he tried to get away, yet remained so fascinated by the blue navi, Rockman could infer that Netto recognized his face. Although others might not identify him in a heartbeat, due to the helmet, the artificial emerald colored eyes, and the navi suit, Netto knew him too intimately. However, Rockman could not immediately decipher where the self-deprecating remark originated from. Superficially, Netto accepted the presence of Saito-resembling navi as some form of replacement of him. Why was this so? Why?

'Ah, Netto thinks father remade a navi in the image of Saito because father could not get over his death, and then extrapolated that father wanted to...supplement him with this navi, because he is a disappointment! Oh no, Netto kun, how far have you fallen? You were always brave and optimistic...'
"Netto kun, I am only a navi, and I am not sure if I can say this when we just met...but you can be assured that Dr. Yuichiro loves you very much! Un, I know this because he told me so much about you during my development..."

This was all lie. A convenient lie. Rockman needed to save Netto from his depression, and one more lie would not hurt. One could argue that Yuichiro loving his son, Netto, very much was not a lie, but if the question became 'does Yuichiro love Saito more than Netto?' then...Well, every parent had a favorite, and Saito was the favorite of all Hikaris. Some might say that this was simply a human condition arising from the imperfection of evolution. But if even God is depicted in all religions as preferring some over others-in Judaism, Abraham, in Christianity, Peter, James, and John, in Islam, Mohammed-can the preferrential love really be said as an imperfection?

What Rockman said must have had an impact, as Netto started to move with a confused face. In Rockman's opinion, it was better than the bitterness, which often lead to misunderstandings and dark resentments. Netto, like a drunken man who returned home in the autopilot mode, went to his wardrobe, retrieved a set of new underwears, and then went to shower. When he returned and got under the pajamas, he gave a quick glance to the PET. Rockman sheepishly gave a wave of hand and a cautious smile. Netto, after staring at Rockman without any words for good ten seconds, went to bed, with his back turned against Rockman.

Rockman accessed the house's electric circuit from PET and turned off the lights for Netto like he used to.

'Like I...used to? ****, I really need some rest.'
"Good night, Netto kun."

There was no response. Rockman sighed and looked up at the night sky.

'Don't be like that Netto kun, I'm the one who feels like crying here.'

It was going to be a long night...at least he got to see Netto. Given the strange symptoms of false memory Rockman was experiencing, he originally planned to go into the sleep mode as soon as he bid his operator a goodnight. The plan did not survive the first contact. Rockman could not possibly go to sleep and initiate a defragmentation of his memory cortex with the brunette boy in such a condition.

.

.

"Saito niisan"

It was roughly fifteen minutes later when a sudden voice came from the bed, and caught Rockman completely off-guard. As far as he could remember, it was Netto's habit to fall asleep fast wherever he could rest his head-the world was his cradle. What he did not know was that his brother's habit had changed drastically since his passing. Netto, after meditating on his current situation, and the possible identity of that blue navi now occupying his PET, decided to test his suspicions.

Rockman's heart sank. Had he been alive in the flesh, surely this would have put him in a stress induced heart attack. Rockman noticed Netto still had his back towards him. An epiphany struck his mind like a lightning: Netto was fishing for his response! There was only suspicion, not evidence. A chill went down Rockman's spine. Netto almost had him. When did his boy learn to be so naughty?

Netto slowly rolled around. He studied Rockman, to see if there was any hint, any betrayal of expression.

'He is fishing for my response.' Of this, now Rockman was certain. He carefully acted out a navi genuinely worried about his operator. The play had to go on.

"Cannot sleep, Netto kun?"

Netto's gaze was like a tongue of a snake, licking every inch of his body. Rockman prayed that he was making the most innocent face in the most neutral posture. If Netto commanded him to walk back and forth now, Rockman was sure that he would trip on himself because of the sheer tension. He was never talented in lying.

"...Nah"

Netto turned around again. Rockman was relieved in that soon there would be nothing but a quiet breathing sound-

-beep

Oh no, how could he have forgotten this?

[Netto kun, happy birthday.]

A pre-recorded announcement that Saito made on his last night played. The acting was no longer sustainable. He needed a place to hide and collect himself. Part of it was from the writer's shame of materializing his own embarrassment; part of it was from the memories of his last night as Saito and associated feelings flooding his mind. The realization of this miraculous situation-that he came back to life and was now only one word away from being fully reunited with Netto-was unbearable. Rockman, before his brother could see, quickly loaded in the letter, expanded it to fullscreen, and hid behind it. Almost pushed to the brink of tears, all he could do was deflect his feelings into annoyance. It was the only way he could not fall apart.

'Saito you shithead! Why did you have to write that thing and forget about it? I had so many chances to get rid of it...'

Rockman could hear Netto rising from the bed and walking towards the desk. He was now like a prey desperately hiding from its predator. The gyro sensors of PET indicated an upward movement with a slight slant. Netto was reading the message.

Happy birthday, my dearest Netto kun!
I write this in advance, so that I can still be with you a little longer.
May you always shine so brightly
May you be surrounded by the nectar of love of your friends
May the choicest food and finest drinks be always before you
May your enemies stumble and scatter as chaff in the wind
May your deepest desires come true

You are my pride and wreath on my head
Though I am not with you in flesh
My love is still with you, and always.

May you live a life of peace, far away from violence,
So that you will be far removed from the life of murder, adultery, stealing, and lying
And may you be honored and praised before all
In this way, may father and mother be honored
If you continue in your lovingkindness
and love your neighbor as yourself, befriend the lonely, help the weak, and forgive your enemies
Then surely we are together.

Netto kun,
If my ashes are still present, and I know our mother will not let it go
And if the wound of my absence has scarred
Then please scatter me by the sea, where your favorite brook goes to
I will become a dolphin, and come to see you

Netto kun,
The last ten years
I was
So happy

Farewell

When Netto finished reading the letter, he slowly placed the PET back in the charger and returned to the bed, Rockman again behind him. Though he did not make any noise, Rockman knew he was crying. Had Netto turned and seen Rockman, he would've known in an instant that the blue navi was, in fact, Saito. It was that kind of face Rockman was making.