Bradley and Laura
Scene right after the end of season 3s ending…
"How do you feel?" asked Alex, linking arms with Bradley.
Bradley took a deep sigh and said "I'm just disappointed in myself for taking so long to do it. I feel like a weight is off my shoulder now."
The two women walked at a steady pace, they walked to central park and sat at a bench. Alex asked "Do you want a coffee or shall we try for something stronger?"
"I want to go home, but I don't know if I can be alone tonight can you stay with me for a bit?"
Alex smiled slightly, took Bradley's hand and nodded. They sat in companunable silence for another 10 minutes, looking up at the trees, listening to the water rush around in the fountain 100 metres in front of them. Despite it being a beautiful clear-sky kind of day – Bradley wished for rain, she wished for hailstorms. She felt like she had finally hit rock bottom. She wanted to sit in it for a while, feel sorry for herself, and mourn the life she had lost due to her continued entanglement with her brother.
Both women looked at one another, stood and walked on.
A few hours later…
"Bradley I think you need to slow down how much you are drinking right now."
"Alex, I am depressed, I am heartbroken, I am unemployed, I lost my soulmate this week… do you know of any better remides?"
Alex looked worried, she didn't know how to answer that question, because she could see how broken and lost Bradley was. She could see the pain she was feeling in her eyes. She looked over at Bradley as she picked up her glass of wine, took 3 large sips then slowly managed to place it back on the coffee table.
Bradley was wrapped in a thick blanket, it was blue with green stripes. Alex noticed that ever so often Bradley would press her nose to the fabric and take a small inhale of the aroma. Alex didn't need to ask, she knew it would smell of Laura.
Bradley was playing a soft rock type playlist of her music system, she swayed to it, closed her eyes and tried her hardest not to breakdown into floods of tears.
"Did you know I was going to ask Laura to marry me – next year on the anniversary of our first… kiss? I had it planned out, it was only 6 months away and I wanted to be prepared for anything. We were going to back to Montana. We were going to go for a break there. Laura brought up that she wanted us to go back there more often. So I knew it was doable. I have a folder about my ideas on my laptop."
Bradley looked to Alex, sighed deeply then got up from her couch walked unsteadily to her kitchen countertop, opened her laptop and said, "I may as well delete it now, its only going to hurt more each time I see it".
Alex got up from her seat, and quickly snatched the laptop out of her way.
"You will do no such thing if you want to delete it – fine. But do it when you are sober, right now you are wasted. Don't do anything you will regret tomorrow."
"Alex, I am all out of regrets, there are very few decisions in my life that I am proud of. I am ashamed and embarrassed of who I am… but okay, I'll delete it tomorrow."
As the night progressed both women talked about love, their families, and friends and of course Laura. Alex was finding it extremely hard to not run to Laura and shake her until she understood that she was making a mistake in letting Bradley go. She knew both women and could see how this breakup was impacting both their lives.
Bradley continued to drink like New York was running out of alcohol. She couldn't face herself and felt that the only way she could get through the next second, minute, hour, day, or week without Laura, she would have to be somewhat intoxicated.
Bradley thought of her favourite memories with Laura, the smile she made when saw Laura work – when she witnessed Laura in her element, in a job she was passionate about. She thought of the first time she kissed her, in that car. She thought Laura would look surprised, but she just looked happy. She remembered as Laura put her hand on her face and pulled her closer for a deeper kiss.
As the hours moved on Bradley was becoming more emotional and gave up hiding her tears from Alex. They put on a movie, but Alex couldn't pay attention because all she could see was Bradley wiping her tears away continuously.
Alex checked her messages and email, just as she was going to put her phone away Bradley started to speak again
"I love her, I love everything about her, I wanted to be her wife, I wanted to move in together. I wanted so much for us but I ruined it like I ruin everything. I don't think I know how to be happy. Maybe I do need a therapist." Bradley giggled slightly and wiped away her tears
Alex put her phone on record – and thought that Laura needed to hear this.
"She was right about so many things, she really saw me. She knew who I was and knew who I wanted to be. She said she doesn't really know me now. But I know her. I know that her favourite colours are blue and green…"
She indicated the blanket wrapped around her.
"That's why I bought this blanket, I think it was over a year ago. I saw it and thought Laura would love this, I could imagine us huddled together watching tv under it, it made me sad, but I had to buy it. I had to have it.
Alex… I just don't know how to exist without her. Without her smell, without her arm around my waste as we walk home from dates.
I wrote her an email once about Hal and the capital. I wanted to speak to her, I knew what she would say I knew she would disappointed in me, but I felt like it was eating me alive. But I couldn't send it. I hate the look on her face when she's disappointed. It breaks me, I'm not a full living breathing person without her. Anyway I ended up writing out the email, because I knew if I was to tell her it had to be more personal, and I know she loves getting hand written letters. I was going to send it to her the day I found out I won that stupid award."
Alex held her phone low at her thighs so Bradley wouldn't notice. Even thought she knew she was too drunk to pay any attention to her.
"The way she would hold me… *sigh* I can't believe I ruined it. She is my soulmate, but I've lost her. I don't deserve that kind of happiness. The kind that feels like nothing could go wrong, but also everything could. The kind that makes you hate a job you love, just because it means you don't get to spend every second together.
Please don't tell her I went to the FBI – I don't want her to know. I want her to move on.
Above all - I hope she finds happiness. More than anything I want her to be happy."
Alex stopped the recording as Bradley finally broke down completely. She was sobbing hard into her hands; she wouldn't move them away when Alex tried to see her face.
"You are a wonderful, kind and loving person, who done a stupid thing, but for someone you love, for your family. For the only family you have left. You are not a bad person." Pleaded Alex as she moved closer to Bradley to hug her tight.
Alex and Bradley hugged for 10 minutes until Bradley's breathing went back to a normal rhythm. Alex checked her phone quickly looking at the time. She told Bradley, she needed to make a call.
Alex stepped into the bathroom, and called Laura. After 3 rings she answers:
"Hey Laura, I know you are not feeling great at the moment but I need you to do me a favour?"
"Hey, that depends on the favour?"
"I'm here at Bradleys' – she isn't in a good way, she's really upset and has been drinking since 5pm, and its now past 10pm. I need to head home – I have a meeting at 5am tomorrow and I need you to come look after her. If not for her, then please do it for me."
"Alex, you can't be serious. No of course I can't. I know you want us together but it's over. We are over."
"Keep telling yourself that Laura. But no. It's nothing to do with that, I just don't know anyone else that would come over to care for her. Do you want me to ask Cory?"
"Really, that's where you go? I can't believe you are asking me to do this, and saying if I don't Cory will."
"Laura I am going to send you a video recording, watch it and then get back to me. Tell me if you think she should be left alone."
"Did you video her?"
"Yes I did, you need to see it, text me after. Thanks!"
Bradley hung up the phone and sighed loudly. She couldn't believe Alex was putting her in this position, but then again, if Bradley was in a really bad way, someone had to help her. Make sure she was safe.
In the same moment, she was glad she knew how Bradley was doing but it stung like 100 wasp stings to think about her in pain, despite everything. As Laura was thinking about Bradley, she heard a ring from her mobile phone. She took a deep breath and then opened the video attachment. And pressed play.
Laura knew things would be hard for Bradley after splitting up but she didn't think she would be like this. Laura had always felt like she loved Bradley, more than she loved her. She felt that Bradley could easily survive in a breakup, she knew Bradley was strong. But she also knew how vulnerable she was to those she loved. She would do anything for them. She rarely put herself first.
Laura thought over what she had just watched and heard in the video Alex sent over. Her mind wouldn't settle on one thought, her heart couldn't decide on emotion or feeling. A tear rolled down her check as she made a decision.
20 minutes later
"Thanks Laura, I'm sorry for bringing you into this but I need to go and I don't feel right leaving her alone right now."
"That's okay I'm glad you called, how is she doing now? Any better?"
"Not really, she is lying on her couch listening to a playlist of very old rock music. The music wouldn't be so bad if Bradley didn't cry so loudly. I doubt she will even know you are here, she's got her eyes closed. I've taken her wine away and replaced it with water."
"Oh okay… Yeah I can hear this song, I think she is playing our Montana … em running playlist. I will keep an eye on her. Now you get out of here."
"Running playlist? Sure it is. Thanks, please text me updates."
"I will, see you later."
Alex grabbed her coat, glaced back at Bradley lying in a ball on the sofa, thanked Laura again then headed out.
Laura didn't know what to do. She didn't know if she should keep a distance from Bradley or if she should just go and it on the couch. Laura went into the kitchen space made them both a cup of tea, and brought it into the living room, placing Bradley's in front of her.
"Hey… how are you feeling? Bradley are you awake?"
"Yeah Alex I am awake, though I wish I wasn't I wish I could sleep, but I can't close my eyes without seeing Laura. Imagining how incredible it would be to not, well… be a fuck up."
Laura watched as Bradley further cocooned herself in her blanket. Her eyes were closed, her eyes were red and puffy. She was wearing on of Laura's college sweatshirts, it was long sleaved, blue and white.
"The first time I told Laura that I loved her this song was playing. I being at her house, here in New York, I was outside listening to the birds, the trees and her singing in the kitchen as she made up lunch. I watched her for about 10 minutes, I remember thinking, she is incredible. She cooks, she reads, she dances and sings.
She is the most compassionate person I know. I walked into the kitchen finally. She looked up at me and smiled, she said 'hey honey' I remember feeling weak at the knees when she said that. She was only wearing slippers, underwear and her gorgeous black and white laisy bra. She caught me watching her tose pasta, she stopped looked over at me. She said. "You okay gorgeous? You have that thinking face on, everything okay?" I couldn't stop staring at her. I smiled walked around to her, took her hand and said "I've never been happier than in this moment, with you". She took my face in her hands and kissed me gently. I could feel tears come to my eyes. I pulled away slightly. She lifted my chin so she was looking right into my eyes. I knew then I couldn't keep it in any longer, she had to know. "I love you, I'm so madly in love with you." She gave me her half smile, and said "I wanted to say it first. I have been falling for you for so long. I love you too, honey."
Tears began to fill both Bradley and Laura's eyes. Laura never knew Bradley to be this open with how she felt about her. She had never mentioned how she loved to listen to her sing or any of the wonderful things she just said.
"How come you never told Laura, all of this?" Laura asked – trying to peak into the mind of Bradley one more time.
"I wrote it down. I was saving it for… well I don't know now. It doesn't matter anymore. I am better at writing down how I feel sometimes, so I do that. Once I came home, after that lovely weekend together, I wrote down everything that had happened so I would never forget it."
"Have you written down anything else?"
Bradley pointed over to her shelves. "See that box, the blue one with the purple outline. That box is full of letters I never sent to her, momentos from dates, from our lives in Montana, from all of our trips when we were first dating. I'm a collector, I like to keep things, important things."
Laura looked over to the box indicated. She stood up and walked over to shelves, the box was big, it looked like it was over flowing with letters. She lifted the lid, and saw hundreds of letters written to her. Some with her New York address, others with Montana.
Each envelope had Laura's name, address and a date written on the other side. Laura imagined it was the date of when she wrote the letters.
"Bradley, why do you have letters in here from the times you were apart?"
"I wrote down things that I thought she would like, stores I found about town or online. Recipes I knew she would love to make. Times I thought of her, times I wanted to read out. There's a letter in there from the first time I slept with someone after we broke up."
"Why would you write her a letter about that?"
"Get your head out of the gutter Alex. The letter wasn't about the sex, it was about how it made me feel, it was about how I couldn't go through with it, and how I cried and ran out. I couldn't do it. I wanted her to know that even after all that time apart, I thought of her always."
Laura couldn't think properly. She could see hundreds of letters addressed to her, she couldn't believe Bradley felt this deeply. Felt this deeply for her."
"Can you take that box and bin it, burn it, sell it on ebay when you leave?"
Laura turned to look at Bradley, she was turning herself on her couch, she knew she was ready to sleep. She could see Bradley pull her legs towards her chest, her favourite sleeping position when she's sad or upset."
Laura walked over to Bradley, and started to gently lift her off the sofa, they walked together, up the stairs towards her bedroom. Laura let Bradley sit on the edge of the bed, and then gently guided her to a horizontal position.
"Where's Laura's blanket? I can't sleep without it."
Bradley pulled the blanket from the bottom of the bed wrapping Bradley in it.
"Here it is, are you ready to sleep now, honey?"
Laura realised what she had said, a moment too late.
"Please don't call me honey, one person in the world gets to call me that, and she won't ever say it again. Yes I want to sleep now."
Within 5 minutes Bradley was sound asleep, snoring ever so softly. Her whole face looked puffy and read. Laura hated to look at Bradley like this – she knew now how Bradley felt. But she couldn't forgive her for keeping such massive secrets from her.
Laura couldn't help herself, she knew they were over, she couldn't picture a future were they made up but for right now, she needed to be close to her. If for only tonight, then she would have to take what she could get. She walked around the bed, to what they both knew to be her side. Lay down, pulled her duvet up and pulled herself over lie close to Bradley. She put her arm under Bradley's pillow and placed her other one across her waist.
Just as she was positioning herself perfectly across Bradley, she heard a sigh of relief coming from Bradley. Bradley placed her on her stomach and interlinked her fingers with Laura's. Laura felt her whole body relax into the moment. She left her jaw relax, her shoulder loosen in stiffness.
Laura could feel a lump form in her throat, she wanted to remain in this bed in this moment. She left like she was home, she truly didn't know if she would be able to pull away from Bradley in the morning. She felt her chin tremble and the lump in her throat grow. She moved her head closer to Bradleys, smelling her Blueberry scented shampoo, she rested her head directly behind Bradleys. Began to close her eyes, but before she accepted sleep, she let out a sigh and whispered.
"I love you, and I always will."
She felt as Bradley squeezer her hand, knowing that despite being in an alcohol induced sleep, it was exactly what she needed.