Letting Go

Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to SM.

Automaton

"Your mother has a very interesting mind. Almost childlike, but very insightful. She sees things differently than other people."

Edward had said those words after meeting Renee for the first time when Bella had been recuperating in hospital after being attacked by James. Insightful was a good description of her mother-when she was paying attention, Bella mused. Most of the time Renee was so bewildered by her own life that she didn't notice much else. But these last few weeks she had been paying plenty of attention, much more than usual.

Bella knew the reason was because of Charlie. Her father had been insistent that she spent every moment in her mother's company, thinking that being around Renee would somehow be a cure to all her ills. He was so naïve when it came to his ex-wife. Bella had always been the one taking care of Renee when growing up, not the other way round. Barely two days in and she was already falling into her old role. Phil was busy-the high school baseball team he coached was in the playoffs-and Renee quickly fell apart without him around to keep her grounded.

As soon as the hugs and squeals of delight were out of the way, Renee began to confide in Bella about how difficult she was finding life in Florida without Phil around to pay constant attention to her. Her focus remained all about herself, her wide blue eyes always close to tears, Bella became her counsellor, assuring her mother that she didn't think Phil was the type to stray.

"He's devoted to you, Mom. Anyone can see that."

"Every day that passes I'm aging, baby girl." Renee lamented, as she examined her reflection in the little compact mirror she carried in her handbag. "You know that old saying: Men age like a fine wine, women age like a glass of milk."

Renee's sudden fixation with her age was an uncomfortable reminder about her own obsession with becoming older. Bella had been dreading turning eighteen for so long as it would technically make her older than Edward in human years, that the obsession had turned into mania.

Bella, in general, had a very unhappy relationship with her body. Aging. Eating. Bleeding. Normal 'human moments' that weren't a big deal in the average teens' world, drove her to crisis point at times. She disguised her troubles behind a mature façade. Fooling most people that she had it together.

At seventeen, most teenagers are asking themselves "who am I? If I wasn't just me, everything would be better."

What young teen hadn't experienced that feeling in high school that someone else was perfect? That was how Bella perceived the Cullens: their physical beauty, their wealth, fine clothes, expensive cars, made her blind to their flaws. Add in the vampire element and you ended up with one very troubled teenager.

As well as spending an inordinate amount of time around Renee, Bella was also receiving some therapy. Charlie had set it up, believing that talking to a stranger would be beneficial for her, hoping that being honest and open about her emotional trauma would help her move past it. In normal circumstances this should have worked. However, in Bella's case, not being able to be honest about anything concerning her relationship with Edward meant she spent most of the sessions either outright lying, or just staring rigidly into space.

One good thing came out of it, though. Being forced to be hyper vigilant over her mother's welfare meant that Bella couldn't sink back into her former numb state, or sink further into depression. Seeing to Renee's every need kept her mind busy and body active during the day. It was at night she suffered. The horrific nightmares she had endured when Edward had left her had nothing on the new ones that left her drowning in tears, waking breathless and panic-stricken, as she relived the moment over and over again in her dreams when she had failed abysmally to save the one she loved.

Bella woke up hyperventilating as usual, to find the sun shining. So used to the gloomy mornings in Forks, even after four weeks of brilliant sunshine, she still felt confused and bewildered every time she opened her eyes to find herself blinded by the bright light.

She sat up, rubbing her eyes with her knuckles, trying to pull air into her sore lungs. After a few moments, her rapid breathing calmed down enough for her to think rationally. She had done all her packing the night before. All she needed to do was get showered and dressed.

Not quite ready to leave the safe confines of the guest bed, Bella sank against her heaped up pillows, thinking languidly of the morning before. She had gone for a walk along the beach with Renee. Her mother had wanted to show off all the beauties of her new home, still hoping, Bella assumed, that the sun would lure her away from Forks permanently. It was clear that Renee had gotten used to Bella picking up after her, and was loathe to lose that extra support whenever Phil was occupied elsewhere.

In Bella's head she went through the conversation again…

She and Renee had ambled along the sidewalk, trying to stay in the range of the infrequent palm tree shadows. Though it was early, the heat was smothering. The air was so heavy with moisture that just breathing in and out was giving Bella's lungs a workout.

"Bella?" Renee asked, looking out past the sand to the lightly crashing waves as she spoke.

"What is it, Mom?" Bella replied automatically, waiting for the inevitable task of soothing her mother's nerves.

Renee sighed, not meeting her gaze. "I'm worried…"

"What's wrong?" Bella asked, anxious at once. "What can I do?"

"Oh, its not me." Renee said, surprising Bella. "Its you."

"Me?"

"Well, of course, baby girl. How are the therapy sessions going?"

It was the first time Renee had even broached the subject of the counselling sessions, which made Bella suspicious that this little talk had been prompted by Charlie.

"Okay, I guess." She ventured. "Why?"

"I'm just worried about what happens when you get back to Forks." Renee continued, her face apologetic. "You've been doing so well since you got here. I think it best if you stayed on once Charlie goes home. I've missed you lots, baby girl. It's done me the world of good having you here."

Bella frowned, reviewing the last few weeks over in her head. She had essentially been her mother's sister, friend, nursemaid, therapist, and general facto-tum all rolled into one. Of course, Renee was going to miss her and wanted her to stay. Bella was beginning to wonder how she had managed without her for so long. She suspected that Phil might be tiring of Renee's constant claims on his time and was probably urging her mother to persuade her to stay so she could share the load again like before.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I can't stay. Forks is my home. Charlie can't manage without me."

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella. Charlie has looked after himself for years. He doesn't expect you to run around after him."

Unlike you-Bella thought wryly.

"But Forks is so full of bad memories, sweetie. With Edward – "

Bella felt the familiar hole in her chest beginning to widen. She shook her head at Renee, indicating she didn't want to talk about Edward.

Renee's forehead creased over her troubled eyes. "You are not the first girl to have your heart broken, baby. Even though I liked Ed – him when I met him, he's treated you very badly. Surely you must have talked about all this in therapy?"

Bella cringed. "Exactly." She said sharply. "So, I don't need to talk about it now."

Renee pursed her lips, looking a little put out by Bella's curt response. "I'm just trying to help, Bella. That's what mother's do."

Bella felt hysterical laughter bubbling up in the throat at his proclamation. She managed to swallow it down when she realized that Renee really seemed to believe it. "I'm sorry." She said instead, not wanting to get into an argument.

Renee brightened up as Bella controlled her expression. "Well, I've tried my best." She gestured grandly toward the white sands stretching to the blue water. "And all this isn't enough to tempt you to move back with your silly mom?"

Bella wiped her hand dramatically across her forehead, and then pretended to wring her hair out.

"You get used to the humidity." Renee promised.

"You can get used to rain, too." Bella countered.

Renee elbowed her playfully and then took her hand as they walked back to the car.

That was yesterday. It was a new day. Bella sighed as she finally made the effort to get out of bed. She had a feeling it was going to be a long day indeed.

"We're home, kiddo. Time to wake up." Charlie announced.

Bella opened her tired eyes to find they were parked in front of the house. She couldn't believe they were back already. She had been so tired out from the journey she had actually slept like a baby. No nightmares.

"I'll get the cases." Charlie said as he climbed out of the cruiser. As he did so, a tall figure appeared out of the darkness. Charlie stalled in surprise. "Jacob?" He exclaimed.

"Hi, Charlie." Jacob replied huskily, wearing a small smile. "Dad told me you were on your way home, so I thought I'd come over and wait." His eyes had already slid past Charlie to Bella, who was still sitting in the front seat of the cruiser.

"She might have a bit more color in her cheeks but she's still fragile, Jake." Charlie warned him. "Tread carefully."

"I will." Jacob replied vaguely. He loped over to the car and opened the door.

Bella's eyes were remote as she looked up at him. "I wasn't expecting to see you here." She said dully.

Jacob felt bit let down by her lack of reaction upon seeing him. Even at her worst she had always been glad to see him. This was altogether different. She was there, yet not there. It wasn't the same numb-like state or depression she had gone through before. It was more like an emptiness. Like she had built a wall around her heart, sealing her emotions in tight.

"Welcome home." Jacob tried again. "How was Jacksonville?"

"Moist. And buggy." Bella's answer sounded too prepared.

"Right." Jacob held out his hand. "Are you getting out of the car?"

"Yeah." Bella said, making no move to climb out on her own. She didn't take the hand he offered, and Jacob felt rejected all over again. His eyes flickered unwillingly to Charlie, who gave him a look that said- see what I mean?

"Well, did you have fun?" Jacob asked, fighting the urge to lean in and pull Bella out of the car with his bare hands.

"Yes. Mom was very hospitable."

Bella sounded like she was talking about a complete stranger, not her own mother.

"I really missed you, Bells." Jacob said, forcing a smile onto his face. "The food around here sucks when you're gone."

"I'll get on it." Bella responded robotically as she finally made an effort to climb out of the car. "What can I make you?"

"Bella, honey, I was just teasing."

Jacob studied her face anxiously, hoping this was just a temporary aberration and not a permanent change. He had begged and pleaded with Charlie not to take Bella away from Forks, warning him that it would be a bad idea. If she'd stayed, he would have been able to fix her. He had before. Now it was going to be much more of an uphill struggle. She'd had weeks to wallow in her distress and unhappiness. Which meant it was going to take longer to fix the damage.

Bella didn't seem to hear him. She walked like an automaton and went inside the house and closed the door without looking back.

A/N-thanks for reading!