Chapter 22

In the month since the night that Bella kissed me, I'd managed to fuck my life up even further.

Two nights after the incident, Jazz came over to pry me out of bed and get me to talk. I did. In fact, I told him everything; what happened the night of Bella's charity concert, what happened with my Dad at the cemetery, what happened with Bella on the side of the house. He listened, saying nothing until I finished, and even then all he said was 'that's fucked up.'

Yeah, it was.

The Percocets I was prescribed came in handy. Thanks to Carlisle, I even had a refill, so I was eating them like candy. The thing about pain killers is, if you take enough of them, they make you forget. Not enough to forget the pain in my chest, the heart break I felt every moment of every day, but enough to forget what I did with myself everyday.

What I did was drink.

I called out of work for a week straight, remaining in my bedroom with a bottle of cheap whiskey and a 30 rack of beers. Alice made multiple attempts to get me out of there, tempting me with nights out with the boys or KFC she scrounged up enough cash to buy, but it wouldn't work. I had no interest in food or friends or anything but Bella Swan, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt she did not want to see me.

When I had finally had enough of solitude, I stumbled my way to the bar down the street. I usually wouldn't go there, as it was Dad's most frequent spot, but I was sure he had no one to pay his bail after he was arrested the week before. Plus, I was fucked up, and just couldn't give enough of a shit to go anywhere further.

"Oh my god, Edward Cullen?" A high pitched voice came from across the bar. It was Jessica Stanley, a past conquest.

"I haven't seen you since high school!" She exclaimed as she approached. I tapped on the bar, signaling the bartender to fill up my glass once more before I turned to her.

"What happened to your face?"

I shrugged. "Nothing. What's up, Jess?"

The girl giggled, clearly intoxicated, but not more so than me. "I should be asking you!" Her eyes traveled up and down my body as I spoke, and it made me think of the way Bella used to look at me. My hand flew to my chest in a feeble attempt to numb the ache.

Jess took it the wrong way.

"You like what you see?" She asked, turning in place so I could take her in in her entirety.

I didn't, but I nodded, anyway. I would let the booze dictate the night, as I'd been doing for the past week.

"Hey, do you still live around the corner? You wanna get out of here?" She asked, and I nodded again. I slapped money on the bar, walking out without looking to see if Jess had followed. I didn't really care either way.

She did, of course. I said nothing as I led her home, nothing when I took her up the stairs. I knew I muttered 'no kissing' at a point, but besides that, I said nothing else. I simply took her to my bed, took her clothes off, and slid into her without hesitation.

I pounded into her with no restraint, and in spite of how fucked up I was I knew it was pretty rough, but she only produced porn style moans from underneath me. It disgusted me, the sounds she was making, so I covered her mouth with my hand. She seemed to find this endearing, her muffled moans growing louder against my skin. I pounded harder, squeezing my eyes shut and imagining it was my girl beneath me. And I was so fucking mad at her for doing this to me, for breaking my heart like this…

Finally, Jess cried out in pain.

"Fuck, stop, Edward! Stop!"

I complied immediately, of course- I wasn't an animal, despite the way I had been acting.

"Did I hurt you?" I asked, not bothering to look her in the face. "I didn't mean to do that."

"What is wrong with you?!" She exclaimed, climbing off my bed and gathering her clothes from the floor. "You weren't like this in high school! Have you gone insane?"

Her question made me laugh, though it was humorless. "I think so."

At least I was honest.

The next day I woke to over fifteen texts from Alice, who was covering yet another shift for me at work, Jazz and Emmett. Apparently, Jessica Stanley hadn't lost her pension for gossip. It only took twelve hours for half of the South Side to hear about how I went crazy while fucking her, how her pussy must have been so good that I couldn't control myself.

I didn't give a fuck what anyone thought, but I knew it would get to Bella.

This new gossip did, however, cause an uptick in messages from random phone numbers, girls who heard what happened and wanted to experience it for themselves; were they a good enough fuck to drive Edward Cullen insane?

I ignored them for a few days, but eventually, I ran out of pills and I drank my bottle dry. I had no money because I hadn't been working, and the only thing I could do to distract myself from the ache in my chest was bury my dick into any chick that wanted it. So I did.

-..-.-.—.-.-.-.-.-.-.

It wasn't until the end of August that I came out of my haze. I slowed down on the drinking and the fucking, and even though I was more heartbroken than I could possibly explain, I felt a little bit better for it.

I was lucky I still had the common sense to use condoms during the weeks prior. My memories were all so vague, just different girls and different drinks, sometimes some coke and weed. The only reason I could remember that I wrapped it up is because all of those memories were tinged with disgust, and I knew I would never stick my bare dick in those chicks.

I wanted to feel bad about the way I had behaved, but I couldn't. The only true emotion I could feel was the deep and profound sorrow that gripped my heart every night as I tried to sleep. It was Bella- God, so much of it was Bella, but it was also my mom and my dad and the way Alice looked at me the few times we'd crossed paths. I just couldn't shake the misery enough to experience guilt for my actions.

Those girls wanted to be with me, anyway. They went into it knowing what to expect- fuck, the only thing I've overheard my sister talking about was how I was a maniac in bed. The rumor, which I guess happened to be true, spread like wildfire around the bars and clubs in the neighborhood. I knew it, and I didn't like it, but I also didn't care.

Like I said, I couldn't give a fuck less about anything besides my broken fucking heart.

The first morning I woke up before noon, Emmett also happened to call me around ten.

"Long time no see, bro! How's your face healing up?"

Funny- I was looking at myself in the bathroom mirror right then, thinking about how I needed to shave.

"It looks pretty okay, I think."

It was true. I hadn't really taken the time to look at myself over the past five weeks, besides when I opted to take my own stitches out, but I didn't look half bad. There was still a faint red line across my eyebrow, and some light bruising left under my eyes, but that was it.

"That's what I like to hear, bro. Listen, I have some news."

My heart dropped into my stomach. "What?"

Emmett's laughter caused me to pull the phone away from my ear, it was so fucking loud.

"Chill, dude! It's good news. Remember when my Great Aunt died a couple years ago?"

"I thought it was your Great Uncle."

"Yeah, whatever. I didn't know either of them, I can't remember this shit." He laughed again. "Anyways, my mom and her sister finally cleared out the house and they're gonna sell it."

I had no idea what this had to do with me.

"Okay?"

"Okay, so, before they sell it it's just empty, right? It's only like, two hours away, dude, and I can borrow Mom's car, and Jazz convinced Mike Newton to come, so we have his car, too. It's gonna be dope."

His voice gained volume as he rambled on, and I couldn't help laughing at his obvious excitement.

"That sounds sick, dude."

As much as I didn't want to admit it to myself, it did sound sick. The thought of spending a few days away with my friends, far from all this bullshit…

"Wait, Em. Who's coming?"

I should have fucking known, of course. I should have known that she would be there and that she would bring him. Who could resist Bella Swan, right?

The second their names left his mouth, I interrupted. "Forget it."

"What? C'mon, dude, don't say that! I swear it'll be worth it, we don't even have to chill with them. It'll be just you, me and Jazz."

I snorted. "Yeah right."

"Edward," Emmett was whining now. "Dude, we miss you. This is bullshit. I know you don't wanna see Jake or Bella or whatever, but we're your best friends."

"Is that why you invited them?"

"Whoa, dude! First of all, I didn't invite them, Rose did. And what was I supposed to say, 'no, Jake, you guys can't come because Edward is madly in love with your girl and she keeps fucking around with him and breaking his heart?"

"Fuck! No, Emmett. I guess fucking not. Jesus, am I that fucking obvious?"

Emmett's laughter was incredulous now. "Uh, dude?"

"You know what, don't answer that."

"So you'll come?"

"No fucking way."

"I'll get you to change your mind, dude. I swear it. We're going next weekend."

Bella called me at least once a day since that conversation with Emmett.

I didn't answer. Fucking believe me, I wanted to, but I couldn't bear to hear the sound of her voice and get sucked back into the despair I'd just clawed my way out of. Not when I knew she was right across the street with him. No fucking way.

Alice caught me once, on my way out the door to work.

"Hey, Edward! Before you go, Bella called me and asked-"

"I don't wanna know." I cut her off, letting the door close behind me and effectively ending that conversation.

I had no idea what she was so desperate to talk about, but I was adamant on avoiding that conversation.

Not as adamant as her, apparently.

The Wednesday before everyone was scheduled to leave, I got home from my shift around 12:30am. Early September had found Chicago, as it always does, and I was unprepared for the chill, only wearing my t-shirt.

I was also unprepared for the chill that wracked through me when I approached the gate to my house, finding Bella perched on my stoop.

"Hey."

I stared at her for a moment, willing this all to be a nightmare, that I didn't just hear her voice. I was getting better, it's true, but I was still too weak for this.

I took a deep breath, straightening myself as I unhooked the fence and stepping into my yard.

I would simply pretend this wasn't real.

I fixed my eyes on the doorknob above Bella's head and walked forward, taking the steps carefully and pretending I didn't notice her head following me as I ascended the stairs.

Before I got to the top one, her hand grasped the edge of my t-shirt.

"You are ignoring me."

I sighed, yanking myself out of her grip. "Am I?"

Bella stood, one step lower than me, so I was towering over her. "I said I was sorry, Edward. I didn't mean to-"

I put my hand up to silence her. I did not want to hear any more.

"I forgive you, okay? I'm going inside now."

"No, wait, Edward," She pleaded, her hands reaching up to me once again. I leaned back, dodging her touch. "I am sorry, but that's not why I'm here. I just wanted to tell you that we're not going to go this weekend, okay? So you can. Go be with your friends."

"They're your friends, too, Bella." I sighed, my hand finding its way to my hair and tugging. I was suddenly feeling so exhausted.

"Yeah, I mean, they are, but not really."

I raised my eyebrow, and she went on.

"They're only my friends because of you. You should go with them, not me. Definitely not Jake."

I scoffed, a sickened laugh escaping my mouth. "That fucking asshole."

Bella's eyes narrowed for a second, but with a quick shake of her head, she regained composure. "Listen, I know I fucked up. I didn't think… I guess I didn't think that you really cared, you know? If I knew that it would affect you this way…"

"Affect me what way, huh? What the fuck do you know, Bella?" My voice was loud compared to her quiet attempts at apologizing, but I didn't care.

She winced at my tone, taking a deep breath to steel herself before going on. "I know what everyone from the neighborhood has been saying about you, Edward! And I know your dad fucked you up, and I know that's gotta be fucking with you, but I also know that you wouldn't go out fucking a bunch of sluts because your daddy hurt your feelings, either."

I was mad, now. Mad enough to ignore that aching feeling in my chest and take a step down, closer to her so I could be right in her face when I said: "You don't know a fucking thing, Bella."

I climbed back up the stairs, then, approaching my front door. Bella remained still and silent.

"I'll go to Milwaukee this weekend." I added, turning to look at her once more. "You and your boyfriend should come, too. Don't want him to get suspicious, do we?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but I was faster. In a second I was inside, slamming the door behind me.

Emmett was stoked when I told him I'd be joining them.

"I told you I would convince you, bro!"

"You didn't convince me of shit. I just changed my mind."

"Yeah, right. I know you talked to Bella. How do you think she found out you weren't coming?"

Why could no one mind their own fucking business anymore?

Bella called me the night before we were scheduled to leave. I stared at the phone as it rang, my hand twitching to pick it up, but I didn't.

I did, however, listen to her voicemail the second she had finished it.

"Hey, Edward, it's me. Um, listen… I tried to convince Jake to stay back with me this weekend, but he was so fucking adamant about going…" She sighed before continuing. "Listen, I told him to just go without me, because I thought maybe that would be better. But maybe not? Just… I wish you would answer me and let me know what you wanted me to do. Please. Call me back, okay?"

I wasn't gonna do that, so I texted her, instead.

'Not worth dealing with his bullshit without you.'

At least she tried to keep him away. And, honestly, of course I fucking wanted her there. Seeing her stabbed at my already mangled heart, sure, but I was addicted to her. It didn't matter how much it hurt at times like these, when she was away from me. I fucking loved her. Of course I wanted her there.