Scarlet Justice: Full Blossom – ep. 30
"Care"

The initial danger is over, but we're not completely done with this saga yet. Unfortunately, that means further disruptions to my schedule. I don't care for it.

I'm off the mission roster for the next few days. I can still move about as I like, but it's still bothersome. Anko hasn't had anything new to report, and Itachi has been moving around near the western edge of Fire Country from what Erika has said. Keeping still isn't something I want to do right now. And I don't want to fill my time with mundane things.

"You're wound up today, Lili."

"It seems so."

Fio leans over my shoulder as I do paperwork. I figure that I might as well do something of importance while I'm awake. The table is currently filled with loose sheets and a few scrolls, with a small space left for my teacup.

"I wanna go outside."

"Now?"

"Yeah. Come with me. Please?"

I nod and set down my pen. I know how Fio worries about me, and I don't want to make her upset. More than that, I suppose...I want to let someone else take care of things this time. She must have sensed it.

"Thank you. I feel like running today. Can we?"

"Let me put on something comfortable. Where did you want to go?" I ask as I stand up.

"Around the village for a bit. Nothing special. I thought we could have something to eat before coming back here."

"There's definitely somewhere we can grab ourselves a bite...alright. That sounds good."

We get into our running outfits, and Fio wants us to match today. I oblige her, and we go with a light jacket over comfy pairs of shorts. Our hair goes up into ponytails, and we check over our hotel room before pulling on our sandals and heading out.

"I never did get to mention it before...you got yourself some new footwear," I say to Fio as we walk down the halls.

"Oh, yeah. They're based off the old pair you got built for me. I went up to see Zen and Airi while you were gone. I wanted pink to go with the shirt and all, and I think it's a nice colour." She stops and lifts her leg so that I can get a good look at it. "They're a lot lighter than before. We figured out that using a mix of materials worked out a bit better, it's just more work at once. Not something you would make a lot of, you know? But basically it's got all the benefits with a bit less durability, because you're matching up against metal and all. Also..."

"Also?"

She grins. "There's a sweet trick we added in. Watch." Fio easily makes a seal while balanced, and her footwear immediately vanishes. "Crazy, huh?"

"Oh. Storage space?"

"Yep." She makes the same seal while doing a hop, and her sandals appear back on her feet before she lands. "There's a box, just like for my other pair. Sends them over there and calls them back when I ask. I didn't know much about that until Airi taught me. She's so cool."

"Isn't she? When I saw her for the first time, she was so modest."

"I bet you were too, once upon a time."

"If only."

She smiles. "C'mon. You're looking better already, but we can really get your head clear with a good run."

"Let's do that, then."

She pats me on the back and we walk briskly towards the hotel entrance, then start our run through the village as soon as we're clear. Weaving around pedestrians is second nature at this point, and we glide through the uptown crowd towards emptier and quieter spaces.

At this speed, we won't get to interact with everyone like we're used to. But I suppose that's the point today. Fio sets the pace and I match her. Both of us are quiet save for the breaths we take in and out as we head east, towards the far side of the village.

So much to think about. I let it fall away for now, allowing my mind to clear and the tension to bleed away from my body. I would have found some time to relax eventually...but doing it now was a better call. Thank goodness for Fio.

She takes a left as we reach part of the village's eastern wall, then another to put us on the path west.

"Let's climb and then do a circuit after," she says.

"Okay."

We increase our pace a bit and continue west, then go back in the other direction as soon as we hit the village's edge. It continues on like this until we reach the northern part of the Leaf, and stop a bit underneath the famous stone carvings of the Hokage.

"Changed your mind about it yet?" Fio asks.

I follow her gaze and look up at the images of the previous Hokage, then shake my head.

"The idea still isn't coming together. Still pretentious to me. Not that it would stop them from carving it out anyways."

"Heh. You'd probably get yelled at for saying that out loud."

"That's fine. I wasn't indoctrinated into thinking Hashirama was the greatest being to ever walk the earth. Eventually, they'll get over my irreverence."

We start to run past the monument, along the edge of the village near the circular wall that surrounds it.

"Kinda funny how I've got a different picture in my head than you do. Back when I was a kid, the Hokage were all talked about like they were legends. Obviously the goal wasn't to paint them as unstoppable or anything, but...they ended up being pretty iconic, even if they were styled as demons and junk. I can imagine it's the same in other places."

"When I first came to this country, I heard many stories about how Hashirama single-handedly shaped the shinobi world. What he did was indeed great, but it wasn't on its own...and it wasn't complete by the time he died."

"Of course, you'll do better."

"Naturally."

"We'll run about two laps and then grab something to eat. Sound good?"

"Yes."

"'Kay. Match my pace."

Fio goes a little faster and I match her speed. The feeling of cool air against my face is relaxing, and allows me to think clearly instead of twisting myself trying to avoid my own thoughts.

"..."

It's not the first or last time I will reflect on this. The fact that I am that man's...that person's daughter. Someone who, for lack of a better term, I call father when he appears before me in my world of dreams. Understanding him I suspect would make me hate him more. But his blood runs through my veins, and with it the darkness that shaped him. It manifests as a thirst for control.

No matter how noble or sweet the ends, I know the truth. And that in part is why I felt so tense. Like things were slipping out of my grasp, and I couldn't account for how or why any of it happened. Responsibility and burden...those are things I can take on. To stumble, and possibly fall are things that I can and will accept. And there are many things that I can do little to nothing about. It's possible that I could have lost Jin, or made a mistake last week. It's possible that I could have failed completely. I just...want it to be something tangible. Something that, if it falls to pieces, it's in my hands. So that I can try and make something of it all.

I don't want to wonder about what could have been, about what I could have done if I only tried. I want to be able to try and fail, and feel pain, and cry for what was lost. I can't stand having things out of my hands. I can't stand...being helpless.

It's because of that time, I realize now. When I couldn't do anything but watch Momma take her last breaths. When I couldn't do anything but cower in the corner of my room, as the door handle shook incessantly. When I could only look out at the vistas from my window, or watch other children hold hands with their parents. I didn't realize how much I craved control until I found the power to change myself, and my own destiny. The satisfaction of knowing that I could exert my will on something, that I could be enough on my own...it did so much for me. That control has slipped into many other parts of my being. The wholesome parts that make me want to love and spoil all the people I care about. The unwholesome parts that have me bleed the life from anyone I see as prey. They die when I decide it's time, and when I am filled and satisfied.

"Fio?"

She turns her head to me as we run.

"Thank you. I needed this."

"I know." She smiles. "I'm just happy I could do something for you, Lili."

The want for control...doesn't preclude a want for affection. As much as I want to see things come to pass in the way I dream, sometimes it doesn't end up that way. And...that's fine. It's something that I have come to accept. I have always loved and trusted Fio, but letting someone take care of me was something that I had to ease into. Luna was at a distance for a while before we became sisters, and Midori always was strong willed and smothering. Leaving myself to someone else, and letting go of my stubbornness...that was different.

But it's been more than worth it.

We eventually slow down and find a food cart nearby that is selling big bowls of spicy noodles. After going through a few each, I give the appreciative owner a tip before he's swarmed with a new batch of customers wanting to see what the fuss was about after watching us eat.

And as an extra treat, we get an ice cream cone and share it between us. We take a seat on the next empty wooden bench and pass the cone back and forth.

"I actually had something on my mind from earlier. If it's okay with you," Fio says. "You're probably dealing with stuff yourself, so..."

"It's fine."

"Thanks. You can have the rest of the ice cream, since it'll probably melt before I'm done."

I nod and take a few more licks at it as she clears her throat.

"I know we're different in how we approach things like this...I mean to say, the whole control aspect, and all of that. I'm guessing you've been thinking on it for a bit, ever since the other day when you came back to the village after your mission. But I can understand a little bit how you feel. It's hard feeling so helpless, and you don't want to let that paralyze you again. But for you, it's...more complex than that, I'm guessing. It's nothing that I can really and truly understand, but with what happened to Momma Caroline and...that person...it must hurt to have things slip through your fingers like that."

"Yes. That's a big part of it."

"Because of what you did for me years ago now, I could start to embrace my own womanhood. And while I was on the road, going back and forth, I really did get to do that. It opened my eyes to a lot of new and exciting things. It gave me a lot of stability. So I got to thinking about more and more things, like how I wanted to shape myself for you. What I came up with...it was interesting, and it felt right. I imagined myself as one of those big fluffy dogs. I'd move my tail up and down while waiting at the door for my mistress every day. She'd feed me whenever I got hungry, and scratch behind my ears the way I like. In the evenings, I'd curl up in her lap and she would pat my head. And at night I would lay quietly at the foot of her bed while she slept, just in case anything happened or she needed help."

I nod and start to finish off the cone in my hands.

"I know that you wouldn't treat me like an animal. You love me, and you respect me, and you trust me with so many things. But I also want to be submissive to you, Lili. More than anything, I want to be by your side, as someone who can be obedient and comforting and protective all at once. It would sound weird to other people, I guess. I just think that...part of being free and independent is being able to make choices like this earnestly. You know?"

I take a last bite of the cone before swallowing, then lean back against the bench.

"I understand what you mean, Fio. I always wondered what kind of companion you would choose to be to me. The way you described it...it feels right to me, too. If you change your mind, I won't object."

"I know. The reason I said all that was to reassure you, in a way. You take care of me and everyone else as much as you can. I wonder if you feel any pressure when it comes to that, how other people look at it."

"You mean to say...how it might look to others that I have so much, and so many of you, in my palm. Is that right?" I ask her.

"Yeah."

I shrug. "I don't think that I'm wrong. I believe that this is the correct path, no matter how it looks, or how it makes people feel. There is a dark side to all of this. It only makes sense to worry about that aspect."

"Are you that worried about it?" she asks.

"No. None of this is for myself. The feeling of control, pure and true...none of it is for myself. I want to make things right for others. For the people I love, first. And then I want to make things right for the world. It's smothering. Obnoxious, maybe. A choking sort of presence at times."

"You always know when to let up, when it comes to us."

"Tempered with love. That's what it is. I can't...promise that it won't be painful for others outside of the fold. In the end, I am that person's daughter." I stare at my feet. "If it's a failure, then it will be a failure. I just...want it to be me. So that I can know what comes next. You were exactly right about the past, Fio. Losing Momma...watching her disappear. Losing control like that, and then watching someone I used to love slip into the darkness...leaving me alone like that. I broke into pieces. As soon as I gained strength, I decided that I wouldn't let it happen if I could help it. Every critical moment, whenever I ended up in the line of fire...it was because it was something that I wanted for myself. To choose life and death...to sacrifice, to give. So many different things. I just want it done with what's in these two hands. I don't want to wait on the wind, or the currents. It has to be me, and it has to be now." I look over to Fio. "And even with all of that happening, with every task and outcome that I take responsibility for...I will be there for you, and for everyone else. As a friend, as a sister, as a mother in spirit...as a mistress to you, who remembers how you wait for her faithfully each day. I want to smother you in affection, and at the same time, let you fill me with warmth, and calm my nerves with your touch. As much as I want control, to be the one who makes the hard decisions, I know that I can't do any of this alone. I can't live and thrive by myself."

"That's right, yeah."

"Most importantly...as much as I want to make you happy, I know that I need to slow down, and allow myself to be made happy. There are moments where all we should be are two women who love each other more than words can express. Something beyond the many roles that we take on each day."

I reach for Fio's hand, and take it gently in mine.

"Loving you means letting you love me, as long and as hard as you can."

"Lili..."

"The day you gave me comfort, and told me that I wasn't wrong for who I was...it's something that I'll never forget. That moment helped heal me so much. More than I realized at the time, to be truthful."

"I'm always happy to help."

"It's what makes you so perfect for me," I say with a smile. "I appreciate you, in every way. Thank you for being by my side."

"You're welcome, Lili."

I nod and let out a breath, staring out into the distance. The many lush trees of the village, the cool breeze and lovely scents of flowers...I try to relax while thinking of these things, feeling the warmth of Fio's hand against mine.

Then again...I can't relax entirely. It's never been the case.

"Lili?"

"Hm?"

"Thinking about something?"

"Mm."

"Planning?"

"Plotting the demise of my enemies."

"That sounds about right." She chuckles lightly. "What am I gonna do with you, eh?"

"Put up with my nonsense like you always do. Because I feed you and call you a good girl."

"Sheesh."

She squeezes my hand and stands up.

"Let's head back. Time for a nice hot bath."

I nod and let her pull me along through the village gently.