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Chapter 278: L(ea)G(ue)B(a.t)T(le)

"You take my cream puff! My sandwich! My yogurt! My chips! My-"

"What are you talking about? I only take the cream puff, the dog ate the rest." bantah Marin sambil menahan Alpha yang berniat memukulinya.

"The- What?!" Alpha sedikit terkejut mendengar itu. "But... We don't have a dog here (Tei has phobia with them)."

Marin hanya menatap Alpha sesaat.

"Woof!"

Setelah itu dia mengedipkan sebelah mata dan menjulurkan lidah. "Tehee~"

Alpha langsung kesal karenanya. "I hate you."

Setelah itu...

"All protocol initiate battle mode. Mark on target 'Primarin Ghiamelis'."

Marin hanya berkeringat dingin ketika melihat Alpha memberi perintah pada pasukan UFO mini dengan mata merah menyala di belakangnya.

"Get her."

Sisanya silakan tebak sendiri.

Itu saja intro-nya.

~First Aid Kit~

Pada suatu hari di ruang latihan...

"So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?" tanya Margie.

"No, Margie. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs." jelas Federic di depan CPR dummy.

"No, that's not part of it." balas Margie.

"Where are they?" tanya Federic. "You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?"

"I would want to live with no legs." timpal Mathias.

"How about no arms?" tanya Federic lagi. "No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Mathias. You don't do anything."

"All right, well, lets get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him." usul Margie.

Federic menekan dada dummy itu.

"Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute ." nasihat Margie.

Federic berpikir sejenak. "Okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?"

"How's that gonna help you?" tanya Luthias.

"I will divide and then count to it." balas Federic.

Luthias memutar mata. "Right."

"Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?" usul Margie.

"Yes, yes I do. I love that song." Federic berdehem sesaat dan mulai bernyanyi. "First I was afraid, I was petrified."

"No, it's-" Margie pun meralat. "Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive."

"Okay, I got it." balas Federic.

"You were in the parking lot earlier. That's how I know you." komentar Hans pada Margie yang menunjukkan wajah datar kepadanya.

Federic pun mencoba melakukan saran Margie.

"Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive." Kemudian suara lain nimbrung. "Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Ah, ah, ah, ah…"

Ternyata suara itu berasal dari Musket.

"Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it's alright, it's okay, you can look the other way." Andersen dan Lucy malah ikut bernyanyi. "Loo do do!"

"Okay!" Margie mencoba menghentikan nyanyian itu.

"Da, da, da, da, da, da, da~"

"Okay!"

"Blahblahblahblahblah... Stayin' alive, stayin' alive."

"Yeah, okay. You didn't maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn't arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him." ujar Margie.

"Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next?" tanya Exoray. "Anybody? Margie?"

"I have no idea." jawab Margie.

"Anyone else?" tanya Exoray lagi.

"We bury him?" usul Mira.

"Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest." ujar Exoray.

"He has no wallet, I checked." timpal Federic.

Victor ikut nimbrung. "He is an organ donor!"

"He is!" (Exoray)

"Yeah!" (Victor)

"Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket." Exoray mengambil pisau dari dalam lengan bajunya. "Here we go."

Exoray pun menusuk tubuh CPR dummy dengan pisaunya dan mengagetkan semua orang yang melihatnya.

"Oh my God! Exoray!"

"Exoray!"

"What are you-"

"Hyaaaaat!" Exoray terus menusuk dummy itu sampai terkoyak.

"What are you doing?"

"We search for the organs." jelas Exoray. "Where's the heart? The precious heart."

"I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down." gumam Alexia lirih.

Beberapa orang mencoba menenangkannya.

"Hey, Alexia."

"Alexia."

"Are you okay?"

Tiba-tiba seseorang langsung menjerit karena sesuatu, rupanya Exoray sudah memotong wajah CPR dummy dan memasang potongan wajah itu pada wajahnya sendiri.

"Oh my God!"

"Oh my God!"

"Exoray!"

"Lucy?" tanya Exoray tanpa dosa.

"Exoray!"

"Oh my God!"

Setengah jam kemudian...

"Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?" tanya Paman Grayson.

"I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it's pretty realistic." jelas Exoray dengan senyum polos dan mendapat tatapan risih dari Alexia di sebelahnya.

~Malk (Remake Version with Spiky Trio)~

Di rumah Edgar...

"Hey dude, you got anything to drink?" tanya Saphire.

"Yeah, in the fridge." jawab Salem.

"Hey Sap, ah, grab me a glass of Malk." pinta Vestur.

"We don't have any of 'Malk', but I can get you some 'Milk'." timpal Salem meralat.

"That's what he just said." balas Saphire.

"Yeah, I just want some Malk." gumam Vestur.

Salem berdiri dari tempat duduknya. "No, you're saying it wrong. You're saying Malk! Like, like it's a disease."

Saphire tertawa kecil. "How do you say it?"

"I'm saying it the way everyone oughta say it. Milk. eM-aI-eL-Key." jelas Salem.

"Right, like 2 percent." (Saphire)

"Like whole Malk." (Vestur)

"No no no no no, say Milkshake." perintah Salem.

"Milkshake." ulang Vestur.

"Okay, now say Milk."

"Malk."

Salem hanya facepalm, dia pun melirik Saphire. "Are you hearing this?"

"Yeah, the man wants a glass of Molk." balas Saphire.

"Molk?!" seru Salem skeptis.

"Give him the Molk, dude!" sembur Saphire.

"Salem, inside voices please." pinta Naya di depan pintu dapur.

"Sorry, Sister..." balas Salem. "My spiky friends."

Naya pun pergi dari dapur.

"SALEM! POUR ME, A GLASS, OF MALK!" pekik Vestur.

"Why are you yelling at me?" tanya Salem bingung.

"Just give him the frigging Molk!" seru Saphire.

"You guys aren't even saying the same thing!" sembur Salem sewot.

"WE'RE ALL SAYING MALK, SALEM!" balas Vestur sambil berdiri dan menatap tajam Salem.

Salem memajukan wajah di depan Vestur. "NO! YOU'RE SAYING MALK! YOU'RE SAYING-"

"MALK!"

"MAAAAALK!"

"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALK!"

Salem merasa semakin kesal dan mulai tidak tahan dengan teriakan kedua orang itu.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

"SHUT UUUP!" pekik Salem emosi. "SHUT! UP!"

Kemudian dia langsung mengeluarkan revolver (yang kemungkinan nyolong punya Alexia) dan menodong kepalanya sendiri. (Tolong jangan putar lagu 'Mass Destruction' di sini.)

Saphire dan Vestur segera mengeluarkan Desert Eagle (yang nyolong punya Lucy, dia punya sepasang jadi mereka megangnya masing-masing satu) dan menodong ke arah Salem.

"YOU BETTER PUT IT DOWN!" (Saphire)

"DON'T! DON'T DO IT, SALEM!" (Vestur)

"You're gonna shot me when I shot myself?! That doesn't make any sense!" seru Salem frustasi.

Mereka berdua segera menodong kepala masing-masing dengan Desert Eagle dan menodong satu sama lain dengan bazzoka (jangan tanya mereka dapat dari mana).

"SAL, PUT IT DOWN!" (Vestur)

"PUT THE GUN DOWN!" (Saphire)

"PUT YOUR GUNS AWAY!" (Salem)

"SAL, PUT IT DOWN NOW!" (Vestur)

"I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF FOR THIS!" (Salem)

"YOU'RE LIKE A BROTHER TO ME!" (Saphire & Vestur)

"PUT THE GUN DOWN!" (Salem)

"YOUR HAND IS LIKE A BROTHER TO ME!" (Saphire)

Dan mereka bertiga langsung menangis histeris.

"And then, after that, they pull the trigger. All of them." Edgar yang berada di rumah sakit menjelaskan kejadian selanjutnya pada Arta di telepon.

Note: Ya, bagian ini remake dari salah satu bagian di Chapter 134. Tapi bedanya, isi Chapter itu kebanyakan terlalu serius dan membuat bagian itu terasa salah tempat, sementara Chapter ini lebih tepat situasinya. Aku juga menambah skenario lanjutan dari script aslinya dan mengganti beberapa kata di script itu.

To Be Continue, bukan Throw Borrow Crow (?)...

Format masih sama seperti Chapter 'TobyVes Shenanigans': dialog English narasi Indonesia. Yah, kau tau aku kan?

Review! :D