Note
The next chapter is on its way, halfway edited. Please let me know how often you would like me to update the next parts of the story. I don't have a particularly busy schedule, so I think I'll be able to do it.
Chapter III
Confessions
"Bells, are we going to walk to Emily and Sam's? They're already back from Seattle. The weather is great today, so the whole pack decided to make a huge bonfire in the evening. What do you think?"
I was enjoying their company, and the idea really appealed to me, so I called Charlie to let him know I'd be home late and was ready to go for a walk.
"Where's everyone? They're not coming with us?"
"Bells, don't you know our appetite yet? Embry and the boys went to the store. Emily's fridge couldn't even hold the number of sausages and hot dogs needed. We'll go alone. I promise to behave," he added with a smile.
"I'm not promising anything, Jake." I winked at him.
The boys were already getting into the car when Paul stuck his head out the window and shouted after us.
"Bells, no berries! If you get stained, Chief "Hot Lips" won't leave you alone."
They drove away, laughing at the joke. We set off through the forest in the opposite direction.
It was late afternoon, and, tired from the day's sun, we were relieved to feel the coolness that prevailed among the dense trees. I've never been to this part of the forest before. The vegetation in the reserve seemed to be more lush than in the forests around Forks. The tall trees probably provided so much shade that the litter was mostly soft moss. We heard the gentle rustle of leaves blowing in the evening wind and the chirping of birds saying goodbye to the end of the day.
"Bells…" Jake broke the silence. "What were you thinking about while watching our football antics?"
"About you!" I replied shortly.
"I guess these were typical lustful thoughts?" he joked.
"Jacob, honestly, these were thoughts that sort of summed up the last few months of my, or rather our, life".
"I don't know if I want to know them."
I didn't say anything, but I mentally agreed with him. I already knew him well enough to know that patience was not his strong side, and I still couldn't make any commitments.
We stopped.
"Bells… I know you need more time. I can wait. I mean, it is not in my nature, and it does not make me happy, but if that is your condition, then I agree. Except... I would like to know if I have a chance. I mean, under normal circumstances, I would have thought I had a long time ago, but our story doesn't quite follow commonly known scenarios. Because, you know, usually the rival is not an immortal vampire, and intimacy usually does not start with moans of pleasure, and usually when someone says "no", they do not then stick their tongue into the other person's mouth and..."
"Jake, just shut up"!
He literally knocked me off my feet with his incoherent speech. He had a boyish uncertainty in his eyes, like a teenager before his first date. He smiled shyly as he looked into my eyes and chattered on about things that made me blush. An unexpected wave of warm feelings washed over me.
"Come here, Chief "Hot Lips," and use your strongest arguments rather than words."
Looking at his stupidly happy face was priceless. We both burst out laughing.
"Ok, Bells, I'm serious here, and you're only talking about sex. But seriously, I'm starting to get lost. I never know when I'll get punched in the face or when I'll get a kiss."
I fell silent, because what can I say if he was right? Of course, I could have tried to explain it to him, honestly, about my own dilemmas and the internal struggle between my heart, soul, and body, but I knew that I would only hurt him. I had to remain silent, but Jacob clearly had something else to say. He took my hand, and we sat down on the trunk of a tree that had fallen in the storm. Still holding my hand, he looked seriously into my eyes.
"Honey, I'm only human—well, almost. But I can't quickly switch from the kissing phase to a state of casual friendship. You're like saffron to me, you know? With the most expensive of spices, you turn an ordinary day into the most exquisite feast of taste. Except... I don't like to think that such finesse isn't for me."
I was literally taken aback when I heard this comparison. I didn't deserve either of them, yet they both saw their future in me.
"Jake, if I am like saffron, then you are like crystal clear spring water. Without water, there are no flavors, no mosses, no ferns, and no birds singing, because there is no life."
"But you, Bells, don't dream about life, do you?"
Looking into his sad eyes and bearing once again the burden of not being able to make the right decision, I suddenly felt even more lost than two days ago. Jacob, seeing my glassy look, took my face in his hands and said it with a slight smile.
"The heart wants what it wants. I know something about it, but I swear I won't let you go."
I snuggled into his arms. I wanted so much to prolong this carefree state that accompanied me throughout the weekend. However, I had no grudge against Jacob for starting this difficult topic for me. He had the right to know where he stood. And I was afraid to give him hope because I couldn't hurt him forever. Normally, you confide your most intimate feelings to a friend, but what if those feelings concern you? If this were a Greek tragedy, I would experience catharsis in a moment. Instead, I felt my tears fall onto his neck.
"Bells… Don't cry; no one is dead yet," he whispered in my ear.
I moved away from him.
"If anyone had the strength to snatch me from death, it would be you."
"Bells…So I got the green light?"
"You have always had it, Jake, except you are not just any ordinary boy who likes me. You are my closest friend, and in this rare case, that doesn't help at all. Sometimes I wish I could just selfishly take what you give me. Meanwhile, I can't because I'm afraid of hurting you later, and you, in turn, perceive my reaction as rejection. Jake, I just can't take responsibility for my own "yes" or "no" right now, even though, believe me, I'd love to."
"Let's assume that I take the risk of suffering from rejection. Will you also dodge when I start coming at you? Hmm... I assume this is my advantage," he smiled brightly. "And I won't hesitate to use it."
Well, even if I wanted to, I couldn't deny it. I already had too much evidence that my longing for his touch could drown out the remnants of common sense.
"Let's take into account, purely theoretically, that we match each other with a similar frequency. When will you send me to psychotherapy? I mean, will every touch be a signal to you that I'm yours forever?"
"Let's pretend that I voluntarily submit to all these physical tests. How many times will you want to shout "Oh yes..more, Jake!" Before you admit that you ARE mine forever?"
"You are so annoying, Black!"
"Instead of theorizing, why don't we get into practice?" He concluded with a mischievous smile.
"It's getting dark; we should have been at Emily's a long time ago."
"You won't get lost with me; don't worry," he said, smiling seductively.
He didn't ask me any further; he just kissed me gently on the lips. I was surprised because the kiss was as light as a brush, completely out of character for him. He studied my face, squinting as if examining a new addition to his art collection, focused on my lips, and kissed me for the second time. Not in a hurry at all, clearly enjoying it, he slowly touched my lips with his, as if he wanted to assess their taste, shape, and softness. Subsequently, he gently pressed his tongue against my lips to conclude the affectionate kiss.
I wanted more, but he stopped and closed his eyes for a moment.
"I was right... You add flavor to every moment. You know, it's much better to kiss you without being afraid that you will run away and try to scream for an exorcist."
And then he stood up and, to my disappointment, suggested that we move on. I was grinding my teeth with anger, and he said something about the boys eating the sausages. I was absolutely sure he was doing it on purpose, but well, once a day of harassment from me was enough. More than enough!
Fifteen minutes later, we arrived at Emily and Sam's. Almost everything was ready, and the fire was beginning to burn, casting a flickering light on the faces of the pack members gathered around. Emily stood up when she saw us, kissed me hello, and said she was taking me to the kitchen for a moment to help her prepare food. Jake sat down next to Sam, and we walked towards the house.
I felt her presence soothing me. It was something like sisterly love, partly due to a certain coincidence of fate. I asked her directly about her relationship with Sam, hoping she wouldn't think it was too nosy. She thought for a moment and looked at me with a smile.
"Like you, Bella, I did not ask for this love either. It was given to me. It is often not easy to accept such a gift, especially when at first it does not seem valuable to us but rather a burden. By accepting Sam into my heart, I hurt Leah, who was like a sister to me, but now I know that even though I should burn in hell for it, even a short life with him is worth eternal torment. With Sam, I felt my soul fill with colors, as if I had previously been a sketch, just an outline of a person, and with him, I had become the work of a master. He unleashed in me everything good I could offer to the world."
"So why did Sam imprint on you and not Leah? After all, he knew her first. Isn't it cruel that once you fall in love, your instinct tells you to leave that person for someone genetically better?"
"Bella, imprinting serves to perpetuate the species; it is nature that pushes wolves towards a person who will give him children with wolf characteristics in the future. Leah is infertile. If she could have children, she would probably be the one by Sam's side now."
God, I felt so sorry for her.
"Sam fell in love with me and won my love, even though it was initially against his will. He knew how he was hurting her, but imprinting it was a kind of cruel joke on nature. You can't fight it. Anyway, I don't have wolf blood in me, and I don't know if I can explain to you what this feeling is. However, I know that from that moment on, man will renounce himself and do anything to gain this love. Even if he were to lose his mind and leave ashes behind."
"Em, what if the person someone imprints on dies?"
"From what we gathered, it's being implanted again. Nature was kind in this matter," she smiled again. The scar on her face moved.
"What Jake feels for me is not caused by imprinting, is it?" I asked shyly.
"No, Bella… But probably only because Jake is the alpha male and the leader of the pack doesn't experience the imprinting."
"Why?"
"He must be able to maintain clarity of thought throughout his life, which would not be entirely possible with such strong feelings for another person. You know, it's about responsibility for the group."
I don't know why, but I felt a little relieved.
"You know, Bella, I think that these stories of great fulfilled or tragic loves are somehow repetitive. Every latitude will have a Sam and Leah who have been hurt by life, someone like you and me who have strong feelings, and someone like Jacob who is searching for the meaning of his own existence. However, in this magical world of ours, everything is multiplied. People here love each other; they tear their enemies to shreds and give their lives for their friends. In our world, not only is the blood hotter…
After a moment of silence, Emily looked at her watch, smiled, "It's time to take these sausages to the hungry pack of wolves."
"Em… thank you for telling me so much."
"I'm glad I could help you understand them better," she said, quickly walking toward the kitchen.
I was pondering. I remembered Emily's words about her feelings for Sam. Jake gave me life too, literally when he pulled me out of the water after the unfortunate cliff jump, and emotionally when Edward left for the first time and I wanted to destroy myself. He was always there for me; even when I rejected him, he returned or waited patiently for me to return. And what's more, I'm ashamed to admit that I still don't have enough of him physically.
We returned to the company. The boys were talking about their plans for the next weekend, then reminiscing about Saturday's party and commenting in detail on each of the girls in my group. I guess I spent too much time with them because they didn't even notice my presence. Without asking for permission, Jake placed his head on my lap and looked lazily at the stars, not missing a single opportunity to tease his friends. However, time passed inexorably, and I started thinking about Charlie, waking up for school tomorrow, the pile of unironed clothes, and the literature assignment. It was almost time to go home. I asked Jake to take me to his place in Emily's car so I could get my dirty clothes and get into my own car. Of course, he agreed and stood up to take the keys from Emily.
Suddenly, Leah's figure caught my eye in the darkness, and she joined us without a word and sat down next to Seth. I didn't notice her right away because she was wearing black shorts and a brown tank top, so she looked like a shadow in the dark. She had no shoes, and in her hair, you could see single needles from trees growing in the forest. She radiated aloofness and pride. She didn't say a word to anyone, looking into the fire with an unreadable expression on her face. The regret I felt while listening to Emily's story disappeared.
It was impossible to feel sorry for her, happy or not; she was in complete control of her life. As I was saying goodbye to everyone and getting into Jake's car, Leah suddenly stood up and walked over to me.
She looked me sternly in the eyes and spoke quietly enough for only me to hear.
"I don't think you should walk ALONE in the La Push forests. Unless you want to die."
She turned on her heel and calmly walked away towards the dark wall of trees. I stood dumbfounded, staring at the upright figure, wondering if she had joined us just to warn me.
Warn against who? Her?
I got into the car. I didn't tell Jacob what Leah told me and hoped he wouldn't ask about it. We actually started talking about plans for the next week. School ended on Wednesday, so carefree laziness began on Thursday.
Unfortunately, not for us, because we were both working part-time: Jake planned to spend some time in the workshop, and I was traditionally on duty at Mike's parents' shop.
"Bells, I hope you will be a frequent visitor to La Push, everyone loves you here."
"You know, you make me feel like a really welcome guest." Maybe with a little exception, I thought.
"Are you sure you don't want me to give you a ride home? You can leave the van and Charlie will pick it up for you tomorrow."
I thought for a moment. I wasn't afraid of driving at night, but I didn't feel like saying goodbye to him yet.
"Okay, Jake, let's just stop by and get my clothes. It's not every day that I come home in a men's T-shirt and borrowed pants."
I bundled up my things at Jake's and put them in a paper grocery bag, glanced around the kitchen to make sure nothing was left, said goodbye to Billy, and we drove on. In the car, my eyes fell on the pile of CDs lying on the floor under my feet. Well, Emily apparently had as much regard for car tidiness as I did. I came across the Kosheen album.
"Jake, do you all like this kind of music?"
"This is the CD Sam got from Leah recently. Put it on, listen to the song "Cruelty", you'll understand why we made such a choice," he laughed quietly.
I turned on this song and listened to the melody, it was strong and dark, but it did not overshadow the lyrics.
Sweet untouchable you
You gave me the runaround
All you say and what you do
picks me up and leaves me hanging
(…)
Sweet unstoppable you
Send my system crashing
All you say is not what you do
You just keep on picking me up and leaving me
(…)
Do you call, do you call that loving me?
I thought that there were people in my life who could sing this song.
The second song is the one that drove me crazy while dancing sensually with Leah at the party last night: "Hide you".
Jacob was looking at the road, but I could see him smiling devilishly. Bastard!
"What made you reminisce?"
"I won't deny it out of politeness," he muttered, clearly amused.
"You better concentrate on the steering wheel, mister!"I reprimanded him sharply.
"Woman, you're so angry," he murmured lewdly and, as if jokingly, placed his hand on my bare thigh.
"I promised there wouldn't be any more fights, so be careful what you do." I warned.
"I know a nice way to relieve the tension," he said in the same tone.
"Then go back and relieve Leah; she'll definitely need it!" I commented back.
"Your jealousy excites me. I think we'll take a break. What do you think?"
"Dork!"
"Ok, we don't have to stop; a bit of risk will raise the temperature a few more degrees," he concluded, and with his free hand, he unfastened first his seat belt, then mine.
"Jacob, stop being silly, I'm still enjoying being alive."
He looked at me and said with a smile.
"Yeah?" That's progress!"
He had no intention of stopping anytime soon, and he had no intention of stopping his touch on me too.
"Jake, stop, I'm getting off! I'd rather walk the rest of the way than travel with a perverted suicidal person."
He laughed and finally found a layby off the road where we could park.
"Bells, before you get out, give me my shirt," he said before I reached for the door handle.
"You will never convince me again to undress!" I protested stubbornly.
"It's always worth trying," he winked at me seductively. "Okay, let's compromise, I'll take you home soon, but I'll take the T-shirt myself!"
I didn't have time to protest because he was already next to me and slipped both hands under the fabric of my blouse to take it off me. I hadn't been wearing a bra since the morning, which of course he knew, so I defended myself against this attack as best I could. It was hard for me to keep a straight face as Jacob literally laughed at my attempts to pry his hot hands off of me. The laughter was contagious and soon I was giggling myself.
God… I loved seeing him so happy.
Emily's car had three seats connected to each other in the front and Jacob put one hand under my buttocks and pulled me as close to him as possible, and as I was still trying to free myself, we both lost our balance and as a result of all this action, Jacob ended up on top of me, taking away my ability to breathe for a moment.
"You should have said right away that you wanted to be under," he whispered in my ear in an amused tone.
"I'm afraid you'll have to give up for now. I feel like I have a sense of mission…" he chuckled.
He raised himself on his forearms so I could breathe and whispered again into my ear, causing goosebumps to cover my entire body.
"Bells, I've changed my mind, I'm more interested in shorts than a T-shirt. I think I have to, I just have to, return them to Leah... You know, I feel what she feels, telepathy, remember? So understand that the matter of getting these pants back is almost a priority," he chattered in my ear as if he was busy, trying to undo the buttons of my shorts with one hand.
"Jesus, I wish there were more of them," he sighed. "Well, I'll give this clasp a closer look."
He got up and leaned over my stomach. He kissed me around my navel, then a little lower... and lower.
"Jake, what are you...?"
"Shhh…"
He slowly unbuttoned my shorts, slid them off my hips and looked pleased at the effect of his work. However, freeing my body from one layer of clothing was not enough for him and he gently kissed me where the lace of my panties began. My heart was pounding like crazy and I knew from experience that he knew perfectly well how these caresses affected me. I felt no shame, although two days ago such a scene would not have even occurred to me. I was burning between my thighs.
I was ready to ask, beg for touch. Jake read my mind and didn't let me wait. I didn't feel like controlling myself, I wanted to let him do everything, he was driving me crazy with the gentle movements of his tongue. I liked the fact that he himself derived satisfaction from it, sometimes looking into my eyes, looking for confirmation of pleasure. My breathing quickened, I wrapped one hand in his thick hair and held the other in his. For those dozen or so minutes, he was my only link with reality. There was only my body, his mouth and pleasure.
"Jake... more..." I moaned loudly.
And then, after everything, I lay in his arms for a long time. I could only whisper.
"For me you are the end of the world and its beginning. You hit me, breaking it into billions of molecules, and then you put it back together, differently each time."
Jake smiled and just said, "It's midnight, Bella."
We really had to go back.
Charlie was waiting for me outside.
" Isabella! Do you know what time it is? You're going to school tomorrow, right? Isabella?"
Oh, he was mad as hell.
"It's my fault,Charlie, I insisted on taking Bella home and then we lost track of time trying out the new audio equipment in Emily's car," Jacob added with an innocent face.
Well, in fact - the EQUIPMENT worked great.
Charlie smiled slightly, as he always did when he recalled his own youthful antics, and in a now gentle tone he added.
"Thank you for being so kind. I was worried that Bella would be driving home alone at night. Now it's time for bed, kids. Holidays are only three days away!"
"Goodnight, Chief. Good night, Bells!"
"Bye, Jake. Thanks for… t he ride." I bit my tongue to keep from bursting into laughter.
"The pleasure is all mine."
I could sworn, he did everything he could to expose me to my father.
I turned around and meekly followed my dad, who happily said.
"Jake is a good kid. Billy raised him well, so obliging!"
"Yes… a true altruist," I muttered quietly under my breath as I humbly followed Charlie towards the entrance. But I could have sworn I heard Jake burst out laughing as he got into the car. So his hearing was good too.
I did not dream of anythihg. I guess I was so exhausted by the various impressions of the previous two days that my mind mercifully gave up on my dreams.
I got up earlier than I had to, made Charlie breakfast, did my hair more carefully than usual, did some light make-up, put on a short white dress, one of only two I own, and in a great mood called Jessica to pick me up on the way to school. I was literally bursting with energy, which didn't go unnoticed by my friend, because last month I was in exactly the opposite mood.
"So how was your Sunday, Bells? I slept until noon until my parents started getting worried, but I'm telling you, it's worth it, Saturday's party was great, don't you think? And the company from the reserve, bomb! Of course, this Black guy beats everyone, wouldn't you agree? Jesus, he's so handsome, and his ass could advertise Guess jeans, right? Anyway, the whole thing is munchable, although let me tell you, Embry doesn't care either, and have you seen Jared's chest? These guys are great, damn, I think I'll get lost in their forests, maybe one of them will find me... Bells, why aren't you saying anything?"
"Jess, will you give me a chance to finally speak?" I laughed out loud.
"Ok, as usual, it's me... Okay, so what did you do yesterday?"
"I spent the whole day with Jacob and his friends."
"Geez.You don't waste a single minute! One has barely left and you're already robbing Forks of another cutie!"
"Jess, it's not that simple. Jake isn't my boyfriend and Edward isn't gone forever."
"Okay, okay, you won't make me less jealous of the views you had for yourself yesterday. Lucky you!"
I wanted to laugh at Jessica's elation, but on the other hand I felt an unpleasant pang in my heart at the thought that the devil probably affects all women in the same way. Edward also attracted women's attention, but he was unapproachable and any potential rival was scared away by his coldness.
Jake was his opposite, he attracted people like a magnet, the joy of life spread to everyone who was in his company, and a simple, courteous interest in the interlocutor could easily be confused with another type of curiosity.
Me jealous?
I put an end to these unpleasant thoughts when classes started and was relieved to hear my friends' words about the approaching end of the semester. Good mood was back.
Not for long…