Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 0
EPISODE 3
Air Date: November 19, 2023
"A Very Heavenly Thanksgiving" (45-minute special)
Special Guest Stars: John Henton as George, Kira Kosarin as Lynne
#TYHBF01
SCENE 1
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
An exterior shot of Ike's in the afternoon. It is drizzling outside.
SCENE 2
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
"Intro" (Segment #1)
("Lipstick" by Charlie Puth plays over the parlor's loudspeakers)
Inside, with Thanksgiving a few days away, the guys are treating themselves to some ice cream sundaes. RK is shown taking his spoon and digging into an orange-brownish-looking sundae with red pieces in it.
RK: Guys, I'm telling you, Woody is the closest thing to God that we'll ever have. This apple pumpkin sundae was pure genius.
SPARKY: Yeah, it's amazing. Hey, since Thanksgiving is coming up, I have to ask, which pie do you guys like more? Apple or pumpkin?
RK: Oh, that's easy, pumpkin.
JAYLYNN: Ew, really? Apple's better.
RK: I mean, apple's not without its charms, but everyone knows pumpkin is the essential Thanksgiving treat.
JAYLYNN: Nobody gives a shit about pumpkin pie any other time of the year. You can eat apple pie whenever you want.
RK: Yeah, because pumpkin pie takes center stage when it counts. It doesn't have to flaunt itself on the 4th of July like some kind of whore!
WADE: Are you guys this bored, you're arguing over pie?
RK: You don't know everything.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, leave us alone.
BUSTER: I have an idea. If we're bored, why don't we go around and tell some Thanksgiving stories?
SPARKY: Thanksgiving stories? People do that?
BUSTER: Sure, why not? I want to hear something crazy, like maybe RK and Wade go back in time and fight Pilgrims in the Middle East.
WADE: I'm not going to question the historical inaccuracy of that, but it's not the worst idea I've ever heard.
RK: I don't know, Buster. I don't even have my story box.
BUSTER: But it's Thanksgiving, not the Super Bowl.
RK: You bastard, you're right. Okay, give me some time to whip up a story.
JAYLYNN: I don't need time. I have a story right now.
RK: Why is everything a competition with you?
JAYLYNN: I don't know, I just like getting you mad sometimes.
SPARKY: Okay, Jaylynn, what's your story?
JAYLYNN: Well, you know how around this time of year, everybody's trying to be more compassionate? Help those in need and all that shit?
RK: For the sake of our fellow man. Of course.
JAYLYNN: Okay. How about this Thanksgiving, I invite a friend over for dinner, and this friend overstays his welcome?
BUSTER: Who's coming to dinner? We don't have extra plates.
JAYLYNN: No, Buster, it's just a story. I'm saying it like that for the effect.
BUSTER: Oh, thank God. I was worried I had to compete with more people for the cornbread.
WADE: Buster, how do you come up with the idea and immediately forget about it?
BUSTER: What idea?
Buster shakes his head and continues to eat his sundae as everyone gives him a bored expression.
SCENE 3
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
"Georgie Porgie Pumpkin Pie" (Segment #2)
The kids are talking by their lockers.
SPARKY: So, RK, Halley's picking up Anna and they'll come together.
RK: Why isn't Adriana riding with them?
SPARKY: Adriana's ducking Halley right now. They had some argument about something, I don't know.
RK: Dude, I-I can't deal with this during the meal.
SPARKY: I know. Don't worry, they'll make up.
BUSTER: What are you guys talking about?
JAYLYNN: It's nothing, Buster. Just stuff that us single people can't understand.
RK: Are you that jealous you can't invite someone to Thanksgiving?
JAYLYNN: No. You're just jealous of my success.
RK: Success? At what? Not having enough contacts for a plus-one?
JAYLYNN: I'll bury you in the macaroni on Thanksgiving.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, you know you can invite whoever you want, right?
JAYLYNN: I don't have any options. Anja and Lynne don't celebrate it, Ashley and Sanna have plans, Sarah's going to be with her family.
BUSTER: What about Danny and Sabrina?
JAYLYNN: They're about two thousand miles away.
BUSTER: Okay? Bring them here, fly them out.
JAYLYNN: I don't have it like that!
RK: Then stop complaining. Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time for love and a time for living. So, just take a chance and face the wind.
Beat.
SPARKY: You've been watching Who's the Boss again, haven't you?
RK: I just like falling asleep to it. I can't watch it in the daytime.
SCENE 4
The Smiling Taco
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
After school, Jaylynn walks towards the Smiling Taco where a homeless man sits by the entrance.
GEORGE: Spare some change?
JAYLYNN: Come on, Georgie, it's me. You know I'm good for it.
Jaylynn pulls out some bills from her pocket.
GEORGE: If we're on a first-name basis, why do you keep calling me Georgie?
JAYLYNN: It's a cute nickname.
GEORGE: I told you, shorty, address me by my government.
JAYLYNN: You know, you're real mouthy when I'm doing you a service.
GEORGE: Man, don't give me that Quixotic bullshit. You know you just feel sorry for me.
JAYLYNN: Georgie, for real? F*** you.
GEORGE: Yeah. F*** me.
Jaylynn and George stare at each other for a few seconds, then start laughing.
JAYLYNN: So, what are your plans for Thanksgiving this year?
GEORGE: Eh, you know, making my rounds at the soup kitchen. There's this little thing named Brenda that I've had my eye on for a while. I'm gonna get her no matter what.
JAYLYNN: Trust me, she'll fall at your feet when you make your move.
GEORGE: Of course, she will. You know who I am?
JAYLYNN: How can I forget? Wait a minute. What if you didn't eat at the soup kitchen?
GEORGE: And deny myself a free meal? Jaylynn, what did I tell you about getting into crack?
JAYLYNN: No, no, I have an idea. I'm going over to one of my friends for Thanksgiving. You can be my plus-one.
GEORGE: I mean, the offer is flattering, but I can't see myself chowing down with a bunch of kids.
JAYLYNN: But this is going to be the meal of a lifetime. Besides, I can't go another Thanksgiving without a guest. No way.
GEORGE: You've got some real first-world problems, shorty.
JAYLYNN: Look, Georgie, it would mean a lot to me. You deserve some A1 food.
Beat.
GEORGE: Alright, I'll clear my schedule. But if Brenda ends up getting seduced by Tommy, I'm never going to forgive you.
JAYLYNN: Is Tommy a friend of yours? He needs a meal, too?
GEORGE: No, he works down at the soup kitchen. Not all homeless people know each other, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: When did I say that?
GEORGE: You thought that.
JAYLYNN: You projected that. Stop it, Georgie.
SCENE 5
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later on, Jaylynn is talking to the guys about George.
SPARKY: You invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving?
RK: Jaylynn, you know we don't live in an 80s sitcom, right?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, we don't. You do. And George is one of the coolest guys I know. You did say I could invite anybody I wanted.
BUSTER: She's right, Sparky, that was the deal.
SPARKY: True, but we don't know this guy. How do we know George isn't some serial killer about to slice all our guts open if we don't give him some food?
JAYLYNN: Because he's not built like that. I've talked to him every day for months. He's a class act.
WADE: Maybe we should go through a vetting process before we bring him here.
SPARKY: Exactly. I want to call him.
JAYLYNN: Uh...
SPARKY: Right, right. Where do you see him mostly?
JAYLYNN: At the Smiling Taco. He's always by the entrance with his "Why Lie? I Need a Dollar" sign.
SPARKY: Okay. I'll go see him tomorrow to make sure he's safe. Anybody else interested?
WADE: I'll go. It's good to have backup.
SPARKY: Thanks, man.
Beat.
SPARKY (CONT.): Buster, RK?
RK: I have to stay late tomorrow to finish a test.
BUSTER: And I have detention.
WADE: Wait, what?
SPARKY: How the hell did you get detention?
BUSTER: You know how when you use the bathroom and you come back a half hour later with the pass?
SPARKY: Yeah?
BUSTER: You probably shouldn't tell the teacher to leave you alone.
SCENE 6
Space Needle Diner
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
One afternoon, Jaylynn, Anja, and Lynne are talking.
JAYLYNN: So, Sparky and Wade were impressed. Looks like George is coming to Thanksgiving dinner after all.
ANJA: Aren't you concerned about him being transient?
JAYLYNN: He's not trans. And even if he was, he's still my friend.
ANJA: No, dummy, transient is another word for homeless. You don't know where he's been, where he sleeps, what he might bring with him.
JAYLYNN: Anja, he's just some guy, not a cockroach. Ugh, you Americans and your first-world problems.
ANJA: You've spent more time in this country than me!
JAYLYNN: Oh, that's my fault?
LYNNE: Guys, relax. Jaylynn, what's it like having a homeless friend?
JAYLYNN: Same as having friends with homes, except people like Georgie take things as they come. They're just doing what they have to do to survive and I think we can all learn something from homeless people.
ANJA: I bet we can.
Jaylynn gives Anja a dismissive look, which Lynne notices.
LYNNE: Well, I hope you guys have fun on Thanksgiving. I'll probably eat a turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce and call it a day.
JAYLYNN: Hey, that's great eating. By the way, you two ever heard of this drink called Pink Champale?
ANJA: No, what is that?
JAYLYNN: It's alcohol, I think. George wants to know if Sparky serves it at his house.
LYNNE: You could ask his alarm clock for some.
JAYLYNN: Eww. You know what? I'll just tell him he has to drink what we drink.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
On Thanksgiving, Sparky looks in the mirror when RK walks up to him. The room is filled with the usual suspects: Anna, Adriana, Halley, Manny, and Will alongside Buster and Wade. However, Jaylynn is absent.
RK: Hey Sparko, I need your help with something.
SPARKY: What is it?
RK: Well, me and Buster were trying to figure out the words to "Waffle House" and I think I might-
The doorbell rings.
SPARKY: That's Jaylynn and George.
RK: I guess we're done here?
SPARKY: Alright, guys, listen up. George is homeless. That's really it, so don't cast judgment on him.
MANNY: You're letting a f***ing bum in here?! That's sick, he's going to steal everything you own!
SPARKY: You shouldn't worry about that since you don't live here.
MANNY: Well, maybe that's how you white people get down, but in Puerto Rico, we have standards.
Manny takes out some cologne and sprays himself all over, then does the same to Will.
WILL: What the hell are you doing?
MANNY: Trust me, when that hobo comes in here smelling like battery acid and those bootleg DVDs they sell near the corner store, you'll thank me.
Buster laughs at Manny's statement, which makes the guys look at him angrily.
BUSTER: I'm sorry. I tried holding it in.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
Later on, the guys are having dinner.
SPARKY: George, thank you for bringing over some Olde English, even though none of us can drink it.
GEORGE: Well, it was just a way of showing appreciation for your hospitality.
Bitch Clock walks in the room.
BITCH CLOCK: Somebody talking about 40-ounces in here?
SPARKY: Go for it.
Sparky tosses the bottle of Olde English to Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: It might be Thanksgiving, but Christmas came early this year.
Bitch Clock whistles the hook to "Ol' English" by The Game as he leaves the room with the bottle.
MANNY: So, George, how did you end up homeless? I mean, what happens to people like you?
JAYLYNN: Manny, what the f***? Don't worry, Georgie, you don't have to answer that.
GEORGE: It's okay, shorty. It's my story. What happened was about ten years ago, I was in serious debt. I ended up losing my house, my job, and my girlfriend cheated on me. I kinda just wasted time drinking all day, and I got a new job, but then I had a breakdown. I couldn't even be around people anymore, so I went to the streets for good and I realized I was happier there.
RK: That sounds decent. When I grow up, I don't want all that ostentatious junk. I won't need it. Just me, a nice TV, and my thoughts carrying me across the sea.
WADE: How would a TV even work out there?
RK: Wade, we're going to figure out a way to make TVs that can travel on water. Just you wait.
GEORGE: You know, you kids are something else. I don't really meet young folk that don't have needles in their arms and bad breath.
MANNY: He should know a thing or two about someone's breath.
WILL: Shut up.
GEORGE: This has been a really nice meal, guys. The last Thanksgiving I had with this much food, the homeowners were chasing me down the street with a baseball bat.
SPARKY: That's awful.
GEORGE: No, it was my fault. If you're going to crawl through someone's window, you should at least let them know what you're doing.
SCENE 9
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn and George walk into the house later that night.
JAYLYNN: You know, I never understood why people eat squash. It's the least essential food.
GEORGE: I knew a guy that played squash. Broke his neck when he made it to the championship. Let's just say he's never playing squash again.
JAYLYNN: Okay. Well, I'm wiped. It was great having you for Thanksgiving, Georgie.
GEORGE: It was great to be there, shorty. Just so you know, I might snore during the night, but it's not as irritating as you think.
JAYLYNN: Wait, what? You're sleeping here?
GEORGE: Yeah. I mean, I thought the arrangement was I come for the meal, convalesce in this humble abode, and be on my way the morning after.
JAYLYNN: Oh. Well, I never actually set anything aside for you, I don't-
GEORGE: Don't worry, Jaylynn, don't worry. I can make this work. I could even sleep in the sink like that movie with the seven dwarves.
JAYLYNN: Kinda weird you don't know what the movie's called, but you know what? Why not stay the night? Better than being out in the cold.
GEORGE: I'm glad you agree. This couch seems comfy enough. I just hope my lumbar problems don't intrude on my slumber.
JAYLYNN: Why don't you just take the guest room? Way more comfortable in there.
GEORGE: Wow. Shorty, you really know how to treat the less fortunate. Let's see if the room has a view.
George quickly runs upstairs.
JAYLYNN: How the f*** is he that fast?
SCENE 10
Space Needle Diner
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn, Anja, and Lynne are having breakfast days later.
JAYLYNN: I don't know why he's still there. I brought him over for one Thanksgiving and now, we're roommates. This isn't going to look good on my Christmas cards.
ANJA: You don't send Christmas cards to anyone.
JAYLYNN: To Danny and Sabrina, I am. My first time doing it and they're just going to wonder if the old guy's grooming me.
LYNNE: Why don't you just kick him out? You don't owe him anything.
JAYLYNN: I don't want to treat him like that. He's been in the streets for years. It'll be like I'm abandoning him.
ANJA: George made his choice. He has to live with it, not you. If he did things differently, he wouldn't have to live with a twelve-year-old girl.
LYNNE: Oh, wow. Wow, I just got the mental picture of the Christmas cards. Jaylynn, please end this before it gets creepier.
JAYLYNN: Alright, alright. I'll tell George he has to leave. He's a strong man, he'll take it on the chin and keep it moving.
ANJA: Exactly.
JAYLYNN: And if he doesn't take it well, you guys can back me up.
ANJA: Of course. Wait, we're doing what?
LYNNE: He better not have a knife. If he does, we're going to end up on an episode of Deadline.
SCENE 11
The Hernandez Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn, Anja, and Lynne walk up to the house.
JAYLYNN: Guys, I don't know if I can do this. When I was younger, I could have ended up like George. What do I look like not cutting him some slack?
ANJA: You guys had an agreement. If he can't respect your boundaries, you shouldn't be friends with him.
LYNNE: Wait a minute. Not to go off-topic, but earlier in the diner, I said Deadline, didn't I?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, you did.
LYNNE: So, why didn't anybody correct me?
JAYLYNN: I wanted to, but it was too late.
ANJA: I correct you enough. I need a break.
LYNNE: Well, screw you, too. I'm out here making a fool of myself.
SCENE 12
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
("Wrap It Up" by Sam & Dave plays in the background)
Jaylynn, Anja, and Lynne walk in to see multiple homeless people in the house. Some of them are watching TV, others are dancing, and some of them are looking at the furniture with vacant stares.
LYNNE: How come you never throw parties like this when we come over?
JAYLYNN: Lynne, I didn't know anything about this. What the hell is going on here?
George walks out of the kitchen wearing a chef's hat and an "Eat the Cook Out" apron.
GEORGE: Burgers will be ready in five minutes.
The homeless people cheer. One of them walks up to Anja.
HOMELESS GUY #1: Hey, do you want to know a secret?
ANJA: What?
HOMELESS GUY #1: Biden is putting GPS in tampons. He wants to track women down at all times. Don't say I didn't warn you.
The homeless guy sticks out his black tongue and then walks away.
ANJA: I haven't thrown up in two years, but I think that's about to change.
JAYLYNN: Alright, that's it! Everybody who's not a Muslim girl, get out of my house right now!
HOMELESS GIRL: Hey, baby doll, shut the f*** up! We're trying to watch General Hospital!
JAYLYNN: You want to watch General Hospital? I'll send you straight there if you don't leave my house at the count of three!
The homeless people begin to leave the house. Anja and Lynne watch everybody make their way out, but Anja stops one of them.
ANJA: Stop. Put it back.
One of the homeless guys pulls out a vase from his jacket and puts it back on the shelf.
HOMELESS GUY #2: I was just trying to-
LYNNE: Yeah, you-you were just trying to get the hell out of here.
The guy leaves the house. George walks out.
GEORGE: Jaylynn, what did you do? I went through a lot of trouble to entertain today.
JAYLYNN: Who said you could invite anybody into my house? They were just about to steal from me!
GEORGE: It was Sean, right? I didn't invite him, he just heard about the free meal and decided to come.
JAYLYNN: George, it's over. I want you to leave my house right now.
GEORGE: For what? I thought we were friends.
JAYLYNN: We are, but that doesn't mean you can let strangers in my house, eat all my food, and expect me to be cool with it. I just wanted you to come to Thanksgiving.
GEORGE: Oh, I see what's going on here. You never cared about me. You just used me as a charity case to make yourself look better.
JAYLYNN: You know you're lying.
GEORGE: I'm not, shorty. Admit it, as long as you're around the homeless person, you feel like a loser. You sit here in this palace and act like you're doing me a favor.
JAYLYNN: Stop projecting. You know how much my friends didn't want you at that dinner table? A lot. But I stuck up for you. I defended you, I told them how great you were, and you threw it back in my face.
GEORGE: I didn't know that.
JAYLYNN: Of course, you didn't. But it doesn't matter now. You're trespassing on private property and if you don't leave, I'm calling the cops.
George takes off his chef's hat and apron.
GEORGE: I guess we're not friends anymore.
George walks out of the house.
ANJA: Jaylynn, I know that was uncomfortable, but you did the right thing.
JAYLYNN: Maybe. But it looks like I lost another friend.
LYNNE: The burgers are still up for grabs, right? Because I'm pretty sure it's almost five minutes.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: F*** it, let's eat.
The girls walk into the kitchen to get the burgers.
SCENE 13
The Smiling Taco
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
("Lipstick" by Charlie Puth is heard playing out of a nearby car)
Days later, Jaylynn walks up to the restaurant and sees George holding his sign. She shakes her head, then continues to walk towards the entrance.
GEORGE: Jaylynn, we need to talk.
JAYLYNN: There's nothing to talk about. You're a charity case, remember?
GEORGE: Look, when I said all that, I was projecting like you said. You made me feel like you wanted nothing to do with me.
JAYLYNN: Well, I never gave a damn that you were homeless. I just wanted us to hang out on Thanksgiving and you took it too far.
GEORGE: I know. But I really appreciate what you tried doing for me. I got caught up in the life of being roommates and I should have respected your space.
JAYLYNN: Thank you. And when I said what I said about calling the cops, I was just talking. I would never do that to you.
GEORGE: Really? Because it's already happened ten times. I thought they were on the way.
JAYLYNN: Yeah. But I want to go back to the way things used to be.
GEORGE: Me too. You know, before your happy ass wanted me to be around a bunch of children all day. I'm not R. Kelly.
JAYLYNN: Nobody said you were, you old bastard. I gave you one hell of a meal.
GEORGE: I've had better.
JAYLYNN: I bet you have, and you can tell all your friends about it.
Beat. Jaylynn and George laugh, then high-five. Cut to black.
SCENE 14
The Newman Condominium
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
"Memories in My Cup" (Segment #3)
Buster wipes down his Thanksgiving glasses when Sparky walks into the room.
SPARKY: There you are. I thought you said you were making a sandwich.
BUSTER: I was, but then I realized I didn't want one. Now, I'm just polishing off these glasses.
SPARKY: I keep telling you to sell them on eBay. You could get $500 apiece for them easy.
BUSTER: Sparky, please. They're just glasses. The most I would get for one of them is $275.
Beat.
SPARKY: Right.
BUSTER: Besides, these glasses have so many memories. Look at this one. This was the year I drank pineapple soda with the dinner and RK accidentally slipped on some mashed potatoes.
SPARKY: Oh yeah, that was classic. Do you still have your ultimate challenge cup?
BUSTER: Of course. It's the crown jewel of my collection. Mountain Dew that night. I told myself that I was going to eat more Thanksgiving food than anybody else at the table. The competition was fierce, and it looked like Jaylynn had me beat. But I pulled off the impossible.
SPARKY: And you had a horrible stomachache that night, too.
BUSTER: Hey, nothing worth having is without risk. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to those dinners. Just relive the memories one more time.
SPARKY: I know, but Wade doesn't want to fix the time machine.
BUSTER: I'm sure he has other ways to do it. All he has to do is build this chamber, right? Then he puts me in the chamber, freezes me ten years into the past, and boom. I'm back in time.
SPARKY: You mean, like on Futurama?
BUSTER: Probably. I never watched that show. Ever.
SPARKY: Are you kidding me?
BUSTER: No, I really haven't. I heard it was about some kid getting stuck in a time machine and it sounded scary. Is it really scary?
Beat.
SPARKY: It can be, yeah.
SCENE 15
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
RK talks to Wade after school when Sparky and Buster walk in.
SPARKY: Hey guys.
RK: What happened to Jaylynn? I told her we were meeting here today.
SPARKY: Oh, she changed her plans. She's helping Halley with something right now.
RK: Well, it's cool that I'm the last to know.
WADE: You'll survive. Anyway, I was just discussing my latest invention with RK.
BUSTER: Really, what is it? A teleporter? A machine that does your homework for you? No, it's a drink that turns you into a little kid.
WADE: Buster, I've done all that stuff already.
BUSTER: Seriously? Damn, you need more ideas.
WADE: Fortunately, I have them. It's a special hallucinogenic pill I'm working on. It's like an alternative to time travel, because when you take it, you're immediately flashed back to whatever memory you want.
SPARKY: Wow. That sounds complex.
WADE: It is. That's why it's in the highly experimental stage. It might be a long time before it's ready.
BUSTER: But when it is, you'll be able to rewind to any memory in your head, any time?
WADE: Precisely.
BUSTER: Hmmm. I wonder if you could flash back to something that just happened.
Static appears on the screen.
SCENE 16
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Cut to a few seconds ago.
SPARKY: Wow. That sounds complex.
WADE: It is. That's why it's in the-
BUSTER AND WADE (CONT.): Highly experimental stage. It might be a long time before it's ready.
WADE (CONT.): How did you know what I was going to say?
BUSTER: I just flashed back. No hallucinating required.
WADE: Buster, you're something else.
Wade, Sparky, and RK begin clapping.
BUSTER: Thank you, thank you.
WADE (V.O.): Buster? Buster?
SCENE 17
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Cut to the present day.
WADE: Buster!
BUSTER: What? Who's there?
RK: Dude, you kept wondering if you could flash back to something that just happened, then you started looking like you needed to take a shit.
SPARKY: Yeah, you've been doing that for five minutes. Is everything okay?
BUSTER: Of course. I'm just excited for Wade's project.
WADE: Thank you, Buster.
Buster snaps his fingers, then walks over to Wade and grabs him by his shoulders.
WADE (CONT.): What are you doing?
BUSTER: If I hold you like this, will I be able to have a flashback?
WADE: No!
Beat.
BUSTER: Okay, I'll just wait for your thingamajig to come out.
SCENE 18
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster watches TV that night, with LPC on his lap.
BUSTER: I don't know, LPC. I keep thinking about Wade's new invention. Any memory I want? I could go back in time to anything. I could have a flashback to that time where me and Sparky were pirates, and we plundered the seven seas. Yarr! Or I could go back to when I answered a question right in math class, and that girl rubbed my shoulders. That was great.
Beat.
BUSTER (CONT.): Wait! What about all those Thanksgiving memories? I could relive them all. Eat those same meals, rewind to when life was easier and simpler. I could have the stomachache all over again! LPC, I have to do this! I have to get those hallucinating pills!
LPC meows inquisitively.
BUSTER (CONT.): No, Wade said they're highly experimental. They're not ready yet. But that doesn't mean I can't be a test monkey. Then again, Wade will just tell me he doesn't want to put my life at risk, blah blah blah. You know what? I'll sleep on it and come up with something genius in the morning.
SCENE 19
The Newman Condominium
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Buster wakes up in the middle of the night and screams.
BUSTER: I got it!
LPC meows angrily.
BUSTER (CONT.): Please, I've woken you up like this before. Genius doesn't have a timetable.
SCENE 20
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Buster talks to Jaylynn by the lockers.
JAYLYNN: So, we're talking about stealing from Wade?
BUSTER: It's not stealing. We're borrowing his new project. That way, I can go back in time and get to enjoy Thanksgiving again.
JAYLYNN: Dude, he'll kill us both if he finds out.
BUSTER: That's why we're not going to tell him anything. If we do, then the plan doesn't work.
JAYLYNN: I would punch you more often if I thought you were being a smartass. So, how are we going to do it?
BUSTER: Well, Sparky is too close to me and RK is too close to Wade, so they're both out. You and I are going to go to Wade's place just to hang out. At some point, you're going to pretend that you're choking on a pretzel.
JAYLYNN: Does it have to be a pretzel?
BUSTER: Yes. It's all in the details. When you go into your choking fit, I'm going to shimmy into the basement. Glide downstairs, and tiptoe around until I find the hallucinating stuff. And that's how we do it.
JAYLYNN: Okay, so if I'm choking on a pretzel, why would you leave me there to die?
BUSTER: Wade's going to save you. But remember, you're not actually going to choke, it's just make believe. Did-did I tell you it's make believe?
JAYLYNN: Yes.
BUSTER: Good. I just want to make sure you don't get deep into it. It's dangerous. Wait, I said I would shimmy into the basement, right?
JAYLYNN: Yes.
BUSTER: Great. Shimmy, glide, tiptoe. Jimmy, Tide, Pepto Bismol.
JAYLYNN: What the hell is that?
BUSTER: It's my code for remembering the plan. If I freeze up, I just have to say "Jimmy, Tide, Pepto Bismol" and it all comes back.
Jaylynn sighs, hugs Buster and rubs the top of his head.
JAYLYNN: Please make sure to eat lunch today.
BUSTER: I love how you're always looking out for me.
SCENE 20
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade tries to help Jaylynn as she "chokes" while Buster goes downstairs.
JAYLYNN: I'm having an...episode!
WADE: Don't worry, Jay, I got you. I got you.
Jaylynn groans, then crawls away as Wade runs towards her.
WADE (CONT.): Jaylynn, what are you doing? I know the Heimlich! I know the Heimlich, Jaylynn!
JAYLYNN: Man, f*** the Heimlich!
SCENE 21
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
Buster tiptoes around the basement and sees a bottle marked "Memoory Hallucinating Pills."
BUSTER: Wait, why did Wade misspell "memory"? I thought he was a scientist.
Buster shakes his head, takes the bottle, and goes back upstairs.
SCENE 22
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade gives Jaylynn the Heimlich as Buster comes back upstairs.
BUSTER: Don't worry, Jaylynn, I'll save you!
Buster dives over the sofa and lands on top of Wade and Jaylynn.
WADE: Buster, what the hell are you doing?!
BUSTER: I learned that in the CPR class I took at Northgate. You put in the Heimlich, then you have your friend do a wicked suicide dive to make sure the food comes out.
WADE: I've never heard of-
JAYLYNN: Wow. I'm okay. Thanks Buster. You too, Wade.
WADE: Wait, how did...but the whole...okay, that was enough weirdness for one afternoon. Look, I know you guys wanted to hang out, but I think it's time for my power nap, so we can do this another day.
BUSTER: Absolutely.
JAYLYNN: You're the man, Wade.
Buster and Jaylynn run out of the house.
WADE: Is everybody getting stranger or am I just more tired? Probably a combination of both.
SCENE 23
The Saltalamacchia Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Buster and Jaylynn stand by Buster's car catching their breath.
JAYLYNN: Bro, I need to be real with you. That was the dumbest plan we've ever come up with.
BUSTER: It worked, didn't it? We outsmarted Wade of all people, and we got our prize.
JAYLYNN: No, that's your prize. I just wanted to support you, I'm not taking that shit.
BUSTER: Suit yourself. But you're going to miss out on seeing all the past Thanksgivings.
JAYLYNN: Honestly, I barely remember Thanksgiving. After Halloween, I pretty much check out until New Year's.
SCENE 24
The Newman Condominium
Interior Bathroom
Seattle, Washington
Buster stands in front of the mirror with the pills in his hand.
BUSTER: I did the right thing doing this in the bathroom. If I throw up, I have somewhere to go.
Buster opens the bottle, pops a pill, and swallows it.
BUSTER (CONT.): Hmmm. Very nice. Uh oh.
Buster's eyes turn blue.
BUSTER (CONT.): Oh shit, I'm part of the master race now!
Buster sees that his hands now have gold dust on them, and he starts to dance around.
BUSTER (CONT.): Yeah, that's my jam! *singing "Pon de Replay" by Rihanna* "Come, come, Mr. DJ, song for the replay. Mr. DJ, won't you turn the music up? Come to dance on the dance floor, eat all the s'mores!"
RK walks into the bathroom.
RK: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought somebody was playing that song outside.
BUSTER: RK, you're here! In my condo!
RK: Yeah, I am. For Thanksgiving, remember?
BUSTER: What are you talking about? Thanksgiving's not for a while.
RK: Today's Thanksgiving, Buster. The Lions are about to pull off the victory downstairs.
BUSTER: That's preposterous!
Buster looks at the bathroom calendar, which reads "2016" instead of "2023."
BUSTER (CONT.): 2016. I did it. I'm back in time!
RK: Yeah, I'll bet. So, could I avail myself, please?
BUSTER: Sure.
Buster leaves the bathroom and RK walks in.
BUSTER (CONT.): Of course. I hosted this Thanksgiving. I gave the greatest toast. I wonder if I'll remember it all.
SCENE 25
The Newman Condominium
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Buster holds up his glass on top of the table as the kids all sit at it.
BUSTER: That's when I said, "Thanksgiving, biotch!"
Buster cackles. The kids cheer and laugh as Buster dances on top of the table.
BUSTER (CONT.): I still got it.
Static appears on the screen.
SCENE 26
The MacDougal Household
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
Cut to the Thanksgiving dinner from "The Thanksgiving from Hell" in season six. Everyone is gathered at the table. Buster sees Anja and Lynne and his eyes become squinted.
BUSTER: Wait a minute. They shouldn't be here. Why is "Look What You Made Me Do" playing in my head right now?
SPARKY: Everybody? I have something to say. I think you guys should know the truth.
Buster gets up from his seat and bangs his hands on the table.
BUSTER: You're damn right they should know the truth. Guys, friends, my compadres, it's 2017. And in the year 2017, not only did Reputation come out, but Lynne stole the Thanksgiving turkey!
The kids murmur among themselves.
JAYLYNN: Got that little bitch.
SPARKY: Buster, that's a serious accusation. Are you sure?
BUSTER: Of course. I remember everything. Lynne wanted to be part of Thanksgiving, and she forgot to buy her own turkey, so she snuck in here last night, stole this turkey, and passed it off like she found it. She's not a hero, she's a thief. A dirty thief!
LYNNE (to Jaylynn): You asshole, you told him?!
JAYLYNN: I didn't tell him anything, loopty loo. He probably figured out your dumbass plan on his own. Somebody with a first grader's education could have put it together!
BUSTER: Well, it's a good thing I passed first grade, because now that I know the truth, Lynne, I f***ing own you!
Beat.
BUSTER (CONT.): What's everyone so mad about? Come on, let's eat.
Buster shrugs and begins to eat his dinner while everyone looks at Lynne with disgust.
LYNNE: Go to hell, all of you.
Lynne runs away and the kids chase after her while Buster continues to eat.
BUSTER: This is great. I get to change Thanksgiving for the better. And Wade said the pills weren't ready yet.
SCENE 27
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Cut to Buster on the couch with drool over his mouth in real time, making incomprehensible noises. LPC looks at him with contempt.
SCENE 28
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK gets ready for school the next morning.
*singing "Waffle House" by the Jonas Brothers* RK: "We never knew how to perfect, hey now!" Wait, is that the line? The f*** kind of grammar is that?
Wade walks in and slams the door.
WADE: Alright, RK, game's over. I want the pills back right now.
RK: What the hell are you talking about?
WADE: My hallucinogenic memory pills. I misspelled "memory" on purpose because one time, Adriana said "memoory" by mistake. It was so cute.
RK: Why do I feel like you didn't tell her about the pills?
WADE: It doesn't matter. The point is, you lied to me. You told me you wouldn't touch them, and now, they're gone. So just save us both the trouble and give them back.
RK: Wade, what makes you think that I would mess around with one of your inventions behind your back?
Beat.
RK (CONT.): Don't answer that, I know the history's there. But I didn't do anything this time. I was a good little boy, I swear!
WADE: Then who else could have...of course, Buster and Jaylynn.
RK: You think so?
WADE: It had to be them. They came over yesterday acting really suspicious, Jaylynn was choking on a pretzel, Buster just left and came back acting like we were in a triple threat match.
RK: Wade, are you making all this up? Are we in a cartoon right now?
WADE: You had to be there, the description is absurd enough. The point is, I know it was them. Buster wanted to flash back and used Jaylynn because she's the least likely to trace to it. It all makes sense.
RK: Do you want me to talk to them about it? For all we know, they could die using those pills.
WADE: No, I'll handle it. But just keep an eye out for any weird behavior from them. Once I get confirmation, it's on.
RK: Okay. I'll make sure I keep them on their toes without letting them know you're coming for them. Eventually, their guilty conscience will sink in and they'll have to confess.
SCENE 29
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
It is now Thanksgiving Day from "Talking Turkey" in season two. Buster and Jaylynn are watching TV while RK and KG are heard arguing in the kitchen.
JAYLYNN: I hope they stop arguing soon. I'm hungry.
BUSTER: Of course, it's 2013. Now, "Best Song Ever" is playing in my head.
JAYLYNN: What?
BUSTER: Oh, I was just talking about RK and KG. They'll kiss, make up, Game of Thrones and everything.
JAYLYNN: Game of Thrones?
BUSTER: Jaylynn, we used to steal a lot from South Park. Don't question it.
Sparky walks into the room.
SPARKY: Hey, if somebody was speaking bad about Game of Thrones just now, you're dead to me.
BUSTER: Yeah, Sparky, we've been through this. In order for the payoff to come, it has to be in line with the story and create tension.
SPARKY: How did you know what I was going to say?
BUSTER: How wouldn't I? Or how...how did I know not what-never mind. The point is, in six years, we're all going to hate Game of Thrones, so why not just let it go now?
Wade walks into the room.
WADE: Hey Sparky, why did you leave? I have more Thanksgiving facts to share.
BUSTER: Here's a Thanksgiving fact, Wade. Nobody cares. Your facts suck.
WADE: You're joking, right? This is all just some droll attempt to leave me flummoxed.
BUSTER: I don't get those big city words, but you're talking jokes? You want to hear a joke? Because I have a good joke. Nobody cares about your stupid, geeky-ass, hoity-toity Thanksgiving facts!
WADE: You son of a bitch!
Wade runs towards Buster, but Sparky and Jaylynn hold him back.
BUSTER: Yeah, let it all out, you little whore!
WADE: I'll kill you!
JAYLYNN: Buster, what's your problem?
BUSTER: I don't have a problem. I just know what's going to happen before it does.
RK (V.O.): Oh, so you want to cook the meal by yourself?! Good luck!
BUSTER: Guys, stop yelling in there. RK, it's bad enough Ashley won't go out with you, don't give her more reasons!
RK walks out of the kitchen.
RK: What did you just say?
KG (V.O.): Oh no, he didn't!
BUSTER: You know what? Maybe I should go, Thanksgiving is bringing out the worst in all of you. Might as well, uh, head to 2019 and-
Static appears on the screen.
SCENE 30
Cut to Buster in purgatory.
BUSTER: Where am I? Hell?
Sparky, or at least a version of Sparky, appears at that moment.
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: It's a cross between heaven and hell.
BUSTER: Sparky, you're in hell, too?! What did you do?!
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: I just said that...forget it. Look, I'm not Sparky, I'm your memory guide.
BUSTER: Memory guide? So, you're like Jiminy Cricket?
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: Please stop saying everything that you're thinking about. And I'm trying to help keep you from destroying your memories any further.
BUSTER: How? I'm just going back in time.
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: No, you're not. You're altering your memories by changing what happens in them. The more you do that, the more your brain will be affected and you're going to remember less in the real world.
BUSTER: But it's just me. I took the pills and now, I'm here.
SPARKY: Buster, do you want to know what you're doing in the real world?
Memory Guide Sparky pulls up a projection screen and it shows Buster, in the current day, twerking in school while the guys look on with disgust.
BUSTER: Wow. I'm really getting it in.
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: Yeah, with outdated dance moves. What the hell's wrong with you? Nobody wants to see that.
BUSTER: I can't control what I do in the real world. I'm here.
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: You can. As long as you keep changing the memories, you're becoming more and more incompetent out there. This could also be fatal.
BUSTER: And that's why Wade said the pills weren't ready. I should have never taken them.
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: Ding ding ding, you're a genius. As long as I'm here, we're going to restore the memories back to what they were. Then the effects of the pills will wear off and you'll be back to your old self.
BUSTER: Okay, I see what you mean. We have 24 hours to do this before I'm stuck here forever?
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: No, we have way more time than that. I'm just trying to help you before Wade finds out.
BUSTER: Got it. Let's go back in time and make time...what it was before I changed time.
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: You're really bad at turning phrases.
BUSTER: And you're way more of a dick here than you are in the real world, but I'm not complaining!
SCENE 31
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky watches TV after school when Buster walks in.
BUSTER: Sparky, my man Sparka Brah. Can we go to Bang Bang Chicken?
SPARKY: Sure. Is everything okay? You've been acting weird all day.
BUSTER: Yeah, I'm alright. LPC died, though, so I'm sad. Poor me.
SPARKY: Oh my God. How did he die?
BUSTER: I cooked him alive. I burned his ass up for the insurance money. A 200 grand check. My kid's in the f***ing hospital!
SPARKY: Right. Is this like the time you thought you were a pirate and tried to bury me?
BUSTER: Sparky, you don't want to know how far I'll go. I might have to cook you alive so no one finds out. You want to end up getting barbecued?
SPARKY: No.
BUSTER: Good. Because they already have BBQ chicken at Bang Bang. Now, come on, Slappy!
Buster slaps Sparky's leg and snickers as he leapfrogs out of the house.
SPARKY: I don't get paid enough for this shit.
SCENE 32
("Suspect" by Nas plays in the background)
With Memory Guide Sparky's help, Buster tries to restore his memories and negate the effects of the hallucinogenic pill. He goes back to previous Thanksgivings and plays them out exactly as they are supposed to go. In 2013, he only chimes in when he's supposed to as Sparky and Wade argue alongside RK and KG's arguing. In 2016, he gives a more traditional Thanksgiving toast, but still finishes it off with "Thanksgiving, biotch!" In 2017, he doesn't tell everyone that Lynne stole the turkey. Memory Guide Sparky and Buster go into other memories that were altered, including the big fight with Diana and Savanah, the appearance on "Let's Talk About It" demanding justice against PepsiCo, and a random trip to the movies where he fought a person he bumped into which made him spill his snacks. At one point, Memory Guide Sparky and Buster end up in a mystical church and see a man with two heads get married to a beast, with seven people in attendance holding shotguns. They look at each other with bewilderment and leave the church, as uncomfortable as they can possibly be.
SCENE 33
Bang Bang Chicken
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
("Lipstick" by Charlie Puth plays over the restaurant's loudspeakers)
Buster goes through several drinks while Sparky looks at him with concern.
BUSTER: Sparky, this...is the best Thanksgiving ever. I'm gonna memorize this moment so I never forget it.
Buster has another drink and burps.
BUSTER (CONT.): This...is the best Thanksgiving ever. I'm gonna memorize this moment so I never forget it.
Buster has yet another drink and burps again.
SPARKY: Buster, this is the first time I ever thought you needed therapy.
Wade walks in at that point.
WADE: I want my pills back right now.
SPARKY: What?
WADE: I already checked in with Jaylynn and she told me everything. Buster, hand them over.
SPARKY: What's going on here?
WADE: Buster went into my basement and stole the hallucinogenic memory pills I was working on.
SPARKY: You're kidding.
WADE: Oh, don't act like you don't know. If you're wondering why he was acting so weird, this is why.
SPARKY: Of course, I didn't know. Maybe if you were better at hiding your experiments, nobody would touch them.
WADE: Quick question. When I say things like "highly experimental" and "not ready yet," what does that mean to you guys?
SPARKY: My best friend could be dying right now, and all you care about is getting your pills back? Why don't you save him?
WADE: What do you think I'm doing now, playing with my thumbs?!
Sparky and Wade start arguing as Buster rubs his temple with his finger.
SCENE 34
Cut to Memory Guide Sparky and Buster, back in purgatory.
BUSTER: Well, Other Sparky, thanks for helping me get my brain back in order.
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: No problem. But seriously, when Wade says to stay away from his stuff, just listen.
BUSTER: Trust me, I'm not making that mistake again. I could turn into a snake next time.
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: Probably.
The boys hear yelling and Memory Guide Sparky pulls up the projection screen, showing Sparky and Wade's argument.
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY (CONT.): Trouble in paradise.
BUSTER: Are they arguing because of me?
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: Absolutely.
BUSTER: No, this is going too far. I don't want my friends to start hating each other. I have to go back to the real world.
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: It's all you.
BUSTER: Huh?
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: Go ahead.
BUSTER: No, I mean, is there an elevator I can take to the lobby or-
MEMORY GUIDE SPARKY: Just yell "Stop!" and that's it.
BUSTER: You could have just told me that. I really hope you're nicer out there.
SCENE 35
Bang Bang Chicken
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Cut back to the present day. Buster's eyes widen.
BUSTER: Stop!
Sparky and Wade immediately stop yelling at each other. Other customers look on simultaneously.
BUSTER (CONT.): Wade, I'm really sorry I stole your pills. I just wanted to experience those old Thanksgivings again. Those days meant a lot to me and it sucks they only happened once. And Sparky, it was all my fault. I should have just listened to Wade instead of being selfish.
WADE: It's okay, Buster. How are you feeling?
BUSTER: I feel good now, but I can see why you didn't want anybody using the pills. I only took one. The rest of them are home.
WADE: Well, I guess I can drive you guys there.
BUSTER: We came here in Sparky's car.
WADE: We can drive there together then.
SPARKY: Buster, please promise me you'll never do anything this reckless again.
BUSTER: I can't promise that. How?
SPARKY: You know what? You're right. Just tell me you learned your lesson and you'll stay away from Wade's experiments.
BUSTER: Yes to both.
SPARKY: Great. Wade, I'm sorry for flying off the handle. I was just worried about Buster.
WADE: It's okay. I'm not the first scientist to get yelled at over something stupid.
SPARKY: Alright, let's go get the pills.
Sparky, Buster, and Wade begin to exit the restaurant.
WADE: Honestly, I'm shocked you didn't think something was wrong with Buster.
SPARKY: Well, the line between Buster being Buster and your science stuff is really thin.
WADE: I go through the same thing with RK, so I completely understand.
Cut to black.
SCENE 36
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"DVD Interlude" (Segment #4)
KG watches TV when RK walks in with a DVD.
RK: Yo.
KG: What's that, bro?
RK: What do you think? Season nine of Thank You, Heavenly on Blu-Ray. It's finally out.
KG: But how? It's not supposed to hit stores until Tuesday.
RK: Dude, we're on the show. Do you really think I couldn't get an advance copy?
KG: When I tried getting the DVD for season two, they sold me four bags of videotapes for $200.
RK: Yeah, the network really hated you back then. Check it out. All fifteen episodes, exclusive DVD commentary, and the complete animatic of last year's holiday classic, "The Holidays from Hell."
KG: Couldn't they just put the episode on there as a bonus feature?
RK: KG, I don't work in that department, you have to...*looks at the back of the DVD*...oh, look at that, it's on here, too, with the animatic.
KG: Damn, that's a great DVD. You think I could borrow it?
RK chuckles and puts his hand on KG's lap.
RK: No, my brother. You gotta buy your own.
KG: Like hell I do, give me the DVD.
KG stands up and grabs RK's arm, as RK uses his other arm to keep the DVD away from KG.
RK: KG, stop. Domesticate yourself.
KG: I'm not paying $200 for shitty-ass tapes again, you monster!
(The instrumental to "1-800-Nas-&-Hit" by Nas plays in the background)
Cut to a shot of the Blu-Ray DVD for "Thank You, Heavenly: The Complete Ninth Season," shown prominently on a table. The background is a little blurry, but RK is seen being tackled to the ground by KG as he tries to hold on to the DVD.
VOICEOVER: The complete ninth season of Thank You, Heavenly is available on Blu-Ray this Tuesday, just in time for Thanksgiving. Get your copy before they're all sold out, or before your family starts harassing you for it because they're broke.
RK: Stop filming the commercial, he's gonna kill me!
SCENE 37
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
"An RK Jennings Signature Thanksgiving" (Segment #5)
Sparky, Buster, RK, and Jaylynn are at their lockers one morning.
BUSTER: I just told him that I'm not into Billie Eilish like that, I don't see why he wanted to punch me.
RK: Don't let it bother you. I feel the same way about Olivia Rodrigo.
SPARKY: Hey guys, I need to be straight with you. I don't want to host Thanksgiving dinner.
BUSTER/RK/JAYLYNN: What?!
JAYLYNN: Dude, you're Sparky, you love hosting events like this.
SPARKY: I'm sorry, it's too much work. Besides, I can't do it after what happened last year.
SCENE 38
The MacDougal Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
Cut to a flashback of Sparky in his kitchen during Thanksgiving, one year ago. His apron is covered in beige spots, his hair is unkempt, his eyes are red, and he looks like a man possessed. He can't find the oven mitts in the drawer, so he goes to the oven and takes out the macaroni and cheese with his bare hands. He screams as he places the macaroni on the table.
SPARKY: Are you kidding me? It's not supposed to look like this!
JAYLYNN (O.S.): Uh, Sparky?
SPARKY: What?!
Cut to Jaylynn standing by the kitchen entrance.
JAYLYNN: Um, you know, me and the guys, we were just...wondering how the food was coming along.
SPARKY: Oh, that's cute, Jaylynn. I'm over here killing myself for this stupid mac and cheese and you stand there breathing through your mouth asking about the meal? Adorable.
JAYLYNN: Bro, calm down, it's not that serious.
SPARKY: Of course, it's not. But what if I took this little egg beater and stuck it right up your ass?! Would it get serious then, Jaylynn? Would it?!
Jaylynn looks disgusted as she stares down Sparky, who has an equal expression of disgust while he holds the egg beater.
SCENE 39
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Cut back to the present day.
JAYLYNN: I still can't believe we fought.
SPARKY: I know. Sorry I cut your arm with that can opener.
BUSTER: What if someone else hosted the Thanksgiving dinner? Then we could still have it.
SPARKY: That's a great idea, Buster. I can help you prep for it.
BUSTER: No, I didn't mean me, I just had the idea. I thought one of you guys would volunteer.
RK: Well, it looks like it's on me to save Thanksgiving. I accept.
SPARKY: RK, I never offered you the job.
RK: You didn't offer any of us the job. But you're in need, so I'm here to fix everything.
JAYLYNN: Dude, no offense, but Thanksgiving is one of the biggest events of the year. I don't think you're up to it.
RK: How are you going to play me, Jaylynn? You know what I'm capable of. For years, I've made a living out of stepping up to the plate when it counts. This time will be no different. In fact, this might end up being the greatest RK Jennings signature moment of all-time.
SPARKY: Well, RK, I admire your confidence. You got the gig.
RK: Thanks Sparko. I won't let you down. I'm going to carry on your legacy the only way I know how.
JAYLYNN: Great. We're all gonna die.
RK: If you want to co-host the dinner, just say so. Otherwise, you're talking loud and saying nothing.
JAYLYNN: Please, I know you're going to make this into a spectacle. We don't need all that.
RK: You don't know what you need.
BUSTER: Thanksgiving, biotch!
Beat.
BUSTER (CONT.): I'm sorry, I was just thinking about my toast from 2016. It was hilarious.
SCENE 40
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, RK talks to Wade.
RK: I'm telling you, they don't think I can pull it off. They think I'm just gonna turn it into some over-the-top bullshit.
WADE: I mean, can you blame them? When it comes to big events, high-key is your middle name.
RK: I like pageantry. Why is that so hard to accept?
WADE: Look, RK, you have to change people's perception of you this time. Prove that you can go out of your comfort zone and do what you wouldn't normally do.
RK: I see. Give the people what they want. And what they want is a traditional, no-frills Thanksgiving dinner. Just like Sparky would give 'em.
WADE: Exactly. You want to show them you have what it takes to host? Shock them. Go against type, be the anti-RK.
RK: Alright. I'll do it, my genius buddy. I'll show Jaylynn and them that I can be number one, and I'll do everything just the way Sparky does it. Then when the dinner hits, I'll make my toast and cackle in Jaylynn's face. Might even do a little "nah nah-nah nah nah" just to sweeten the pot.
WADE: Is it mostly Jaylynn giving you grief?
RK: Yeah, you know she loves breaking my balls.
SCENE 41
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky watches TV when RK walks in with a notepad.
RK: Hmm. Very tasteful décor. I love it.
SPARKY: RK, what's up?
RK: Nothing much. Since I'm the official host for Thanksgiving dinner, I wanted to pick your brain a little. Observe you in your natural habitat and collect data.
SPARKY: Are you trying to get advice or filming something for Animal Planet?
RK cackles, then snorts.
RK: Ah, Sparks, you are a stitch.
SPARKY: What the f*** was that noise you just made?
RK sits on the couch and watches Sparky.
RK: So, uh...what are you thinking about?
SPARKY: I'm thinking about my friend staring at me and making me uncomfortable.
RK: Interesting. So, when you put the macaroni in last year, what went wrong? Was it in there too long, did the seasonings not congeal with the cheese? Discuss.
SPARKY: I would rather not talk about one of the worst days of my entire life.
RK: Of course. Traumatic experience, I understand.
Beat.
RK (CONT.): So, how do you arrange your guest list?
SPARKY: Dude, we're not on Tamron Hall! RK, just because you're taking over for me on Thanksgiving, doesn't mean you have to do what I did. Add your own flavor to it, make the dinner yours.
RK: Of course. Great advice. Take what you've done for years, reverse-engineer it, and turn it into my own unique interpretation.
SPARKY: Pretty much. I mean, I wouldn't put it like you did, but yeah.
RK: Thanks Sparky. I know just what to do.
RK runs out of the house and Bitch Clock walks downstairs.
BITCH CLOCK: Great, he's gone. I was afraid he would be here all night.
SPARKY: You heard the whole thing, didn't you?
BITCH CLOCK: Just be grateful I wasn't in the kitchen enjoying my strawberries. So, Thanksgiving dinner, you're really pulling out?
SPARKY: Yeah. I just can't go through it again, I need a year off.
BITCH CLOCK: And you're letting RK take over? The inmates are running the asylum now.
SPARKY: Look, he offered. Besides, it's not like you're going to do it.
BITCH CLOCK: Hell no, I'm aware of my limitations. And if your boy knew his, he would have never offered to step into the breach.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, what's the point of all this? What's your angle?
BITCH CLOCK: The point is, I know you care about your friends, but this is deeper than them. It's Thanksgiving, biotch.
SPARKY: Man, Buster's toast is like a meme now.
BITCH CLOCK: I have to admit, it was pretty funny. But even then, Blondie had your help that year. RK's going to handle it all on his own, crash and burn, then blame you for letting him host it.
SPARKY: He wouldn't do that.
BITCH CLOCK: Of course he would, he's a whiny prick. But don't worry. I'll make sure to keep him in line.
SPARKY: You're not putting hands on him.
BITCH CLOCK: No way. No physicality. But whether that kid likes it or not, he's not going to ruin Thanksgiving dinner. I promise you that.
Bitch Clock points at Sparky and walks back upstairs.
SPARKY: What game is he playing?
SCENE 42
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is talking to Buster, Wade, Jaylynn, and KG at the same time.
RK: I've hired you guys as my crack staff to make sure Thanksgiving is a success.
KG: I don't think I'm going to be here on Thanksgiving.
RK: You are. You already told me you have the day off.
KG: Damn. I need to stop telling you my schedule.
WADE: What do we have to do?
RK: Everything Sparky does and then some. We all go to the store on Wednesday after school, buy all the food, prep early the next morning, and make sure the oven is ready to go no later than noon. We'll be eating by five based on my calculations.
RK shows off his "calculations" in his notebook.
JAYLYNN: Your calculations are scribbles.
RK: That's how I calculate. You got a problem?
JAYLYNN: No, whatever works for you.
BUSTER: Are you sure Sparky said not to ask him for help?
RK: Absolutely. He can't give me the answers on his own. I have to figure out a way to be like him without needing him to bail me out.
KG: So, let me see if I got this straight. The biggest thing in your life right now is proving that you can serve food to people?
RK: KG, you're missing the point. It's about the grandeur of Thanksgiving and me showing the world that I can pull it off. This year, there's a new boss. And it's not Tony, Angela, and it for damn sure isn't Mona. You wanna know who it is?
BUSTER: Jonathan?
Beat.
RK: It's me, dammit. And I'm ready to do some damage this year. So, are you guys in or out?
BUSTER: I'm in.
WADE: In.
KG: You sold me, I'm in.
RK: Well, that's three out of four. What do you say, Jay?
Beat.
JAYLYNN: I might love going back and forth with you, but I'm always in.
RK: Alright, guys. It's time for the first ever RK Jennings signature Thanksgiving!
RK screams out of passion and excitement, then pounds his chest. The others look confused.
RK (CONT.): You're not there yet, but you will be. I know it.
SCENE 43
The Jennings Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
("Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)" by Limp Bizkit plays in the background)
On Thanksgiving Day, Bitch Clock pulls up to RK's house on a motorcycle. He stops the motorcycle, then walks towards the door dressed head to toe in biker clothes. He rings the doorbell, and when RK opens the door, the sound of a record needle skipping is heard.
RK: What the hell is going on here?
BITCH CLOCK: Happy Thanksgiving, tiny. Courtesy of Big Bad Biker Daddy.
RK: You know, it's way too early to drink, right? Even for you.
BITCH CLOCK: I'm sober. You have to be for the annual Thanksgiving bike ride.
RK: Well, it's great to get paid a visit by some lush doing Undertaker cosplay, but I'm in the middle of preparing the biggest dinner of my life. So, f*** off.
BITCH CLOCK: Okay, but I just thought you could use some Turkey Day pointers.
RK: What kind of pointers?
BITCH CLOCK: Pointers straight from Sparky himself. If you want the blueprint, who better to get it from?
RK: Why should I trust you?
BITCH CLOCK: Because unlike you, I live with the kid. I've been there for all the classic Thanksgiving moments. If you have any sense, you'll take the tips.
RK: Alright then. What do you got?
BITCH CLOCK: First off, Sparky knows all about Big Bad Biker Daddy. It sets off Thanksgiving every year when I ride around the block and piss off the neighbors.
RK: Okay. Like the Goodyear blimp. What else?
BITCH CLOCK: I'll hold on to the rest. In the meantime, you should let me take the old Harley and give it a spin per holiday tradition.
RK: It's your world, squirrel, I'm just trying to get a nut.
RK closes the door. Bitch Clock snickers as he heads back to the motorcycle. "Rollin'" starts playing again as he rides around the block louder than before, at one point popping a wheelie.
SCENE 44
The Jennings Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
Later on, RK walks in to see Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn preparing the meal.
RK: Okay, Sparky and Halley are coming fashionably late, so we have time to spare. Status report, gang?
BUSTER: The mashed potatoes look good. The gravy should sink in just right, but I have a question. Chicken gravy or turkey gravy?
RK: Well, the turkey is the whole reason Thanksgiving exists. But chicken gravy will make it less redundant. How about we use both?
BUSTER: I like it.
RK: How are you guys doing?
WADE: I feel like we don't have a unique side dish. Something that brings casual people into the meal.
RK: You're right, that's a classic Sparky move. What the hell were we thinking not discussing that?
WADE: Easy, easy, my brother. This is fixable. Hors d'oeuvres can be found anywhere.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, like that really old McDonald's commercial where the...where the guy sticks those things into the double Quarter Pounders with cheese, and then he's like, "Hors d'oeuvres?"
Beat.
JAYLYNN (CONT.): Whatever, I thought it was funny.
RK: Wait a minute. Where's KG?
WADE: I don't know. I haven't seen him in a while.
RK: Of course, he's going to skip out on helping. If he does that, he blows our chances.
BUSTER: RK, no matter what happens today, remember this: You will pull this off. And you know why?
RK: Why?
BUSTER: Because of the miracle...*makes trumpet sound*...of Thanksgiving. Can you feel it?
RK: Not right now.
BUSTER: Well, feel it and then get back to me.
SCENE 45
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK walks into the living room where Ashley, Sanna, Anna, Adriana, Manny, and Will are watching TV.
RK: Hey guys, you having a good time? Freshen your drinks?
ANNA: We don't have any drinks.
RK: Babe, it's just conversation. I need to find my brother.
RK jumps over Manny and runs upstairs. "Lipstick" by Charlie Puth is heard playing on the TV.
SANNA: Why is that damn song playing everywhere? I can't find it.
ASHLEY: Just Shazam it.
SANNA: "Just Shazam it." You always sound like that.
ASHLEY: I'm trying to save you the trouble. Remember what you went through with that Ed Sheeran song?
SANNA: Ugh, don't remind me. That's six months I'll never get back.
SCENE 46
The Jennings Household
Interior KG's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
KG is at his computer typing when a knock is heard.
KG: Come in.
RK walks in.
RK: KG, what the hell are you doing? Food preparation is underway!
KG: That's what I was doing, genius. But then Wade or Jaylynn told me I was disappearing, whatever that meant. They felt like I wasn't giving the dinner my full attention, so they got rid of me.
RK: They don't have the authorization to do that. So, what now? You're over here doing your homework when lives are on the line? Homework?!
KG: Uh, no. I still wanted to help, so I'm over here writing your Thanksgiving toast.
RK: You're writing my toast? KG, I'm touched, but just because Drake does it, doesn't mean I should.
KG: But you have a million things to do today. If you don't slow down, the vein in your head's going to give birth.
RK: Bro, it's okay. I'm a crackerjack writer. I know how to say it. If I put it down, it's going to stay down.
KG: We're still talking about the toast, right?
RK: Yes. Look, just forget about your little ghostwriting phase and come back to the kitchen. The cranberry sauce is lonely.
KG: Maybe I should have told Mr. Ansolabehere I need tomorrow off, not today.
KG walks out of the room. RK's phone starts ringing and he pulls it out of his pocket.
RK: "Unknown." Could be anybody. RK picks up. RKJ here, what it do?
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): Has anyone told you that's a lame-ass greeting?
RK: Has anyone asked you why the f*** you have my number?
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): Don't worry about that. Listen, I'm coming over there for dinner, but I need some accommodations.
RK: What accommodations? The neighbors already yelled at me about your little joyride this morning.
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): There are other accommodations that Sparky gives me. You want to do things his way, right?
RK: Right. What are your accommodations?
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): I get first pick of the seats. That way, I'm near whatever food I like the most.
RK: Okay.
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): There has to be cold champagne on tap.
RK: I'm in the sixth grade, nobody's drinking here!
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): I'm allowed to bring alcohol on the premises.
RK: Fine, what else?
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): You'll find out later. Enjoy Thanksgiving, slim.
Bitch Clock hangs up.
RK: What's with these weird-ass nicknames?
SCENE 47
("Delicious" by Nick Jonas plays in the background)
RK is on high alert as he tries to make sure Thanksgiving dinner is exactly the way Sparky would do it. He spends time writing his toast, taking a count of all the guests, arranging the dinner table, and making mysterious phone calls. Meanwhile, Buster, Wade, Jaylynn, and KG dance in the kitchen as they prepare the food for consumption. Sparky is shown at the mall with Halley and looks at the timer on his phone, reminding Halley that they have a limited amount of time before they have to get to RK's house. In RK's room, he is shown going through several drafts of his toast until he settles on the one he really likes. Meanwhile, the guys are still dancing and preparing the food at the same time.
SCENE 48
The Jennings Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
RK looks disgusted as he walks in and watches the guys dance.
RK: Are you guys insane? You're over here busting moves and we have no food on the table! There's not even any music playing!
BUSTER: You weren't here for it.
JAYLYNN: RK, you have to calm down. You're going to end up like Sparky last year.
RK: No, I'm not. I don't have it in me to scrap with you.
JAYLYNN: Of course, you don't. We both know I'm less tired.
KG: Why don't we start moving the food from here to the dining room? Will that make you happy?
RK: It will make me ecstatic, exuberant, ebullient. You get it?
KG: I get that you're a wordsmith, but somehow, you're in remedial English. Make it make sense.
KG takes a tray of food and leaves the kitchen. Buster and Jaylynn follow suit.
WADE: Seriously, RK, do you need to converse? This is the most wound up I've seen you in a long time.
RK: I'm okay. I just want Sparky to be proud of me. Like when I'm giving the toast, and he just nods at me. Or the wink and the gun. Either one will do.
SCENE 49
The Jennings Household
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock pulls in one of the chairs from the living room, removes one of the chairs from the dining room, and puts the living room chair in its place. RK walks in amidst all the noise.
RK: What are you doing? You're messing up my arrangement.
BITCH CLOCK: I told you I have first choice of the chairs. If I want to feel comfort while I chow down, it's none of your concern. Actually, it is, Mr. Hostess.
RK: Bitch Clock, I know what you're doing and I'm trying to keep my composure. Don't test me.
BITCH CLOCK: I'm not testing you. I'm exposing you.
RK: How are you exposing me? Do tell.
BITCH CLOCK: You and I both know you weren't ready to grab the big seat. You just wanted to prove you're the man. I guarantee by the end of the night, you'll crack.
RK: Maybe. I'll crack your jaw in half, does that count?
BITCH CLOCK: You with the violence. Does that sound like something Sparky would do?
Bitch Clock laughs while RK's eyes start twitching.
RK: He's not worth it, he's not worth it. Don't get stressed, it'll all get figured out.
RK takes a deep breath and hums the hook to "Waffle House" by the Jonas Brothers as he leaves the dining room.
RK (CONT.): Deep conversations at the Waffle House...
SCENE 50
The Jennings Household
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is at the table and hits his glass with a spoon. Everybody is seated for the dinner, including Sparky and Halley.
RK: Guys? I, uh...have a little manifesto prepared. Might be the best thing I've ever written.
ASHLEY: This, I gotta hear.
RK: "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!"
There is dead silence. Bitch Clock snickers.
BITCH CLOCK: Jesus.
RK looks at Bitch Clock angrily.
RK: Okay. "Finally, vindicated after twelve long years!"
More dead silence.
RK (CONT.): Really, nothing? Forget the intro, let's do this. "Tonight, I had a dream. I had a dream that I was going to pull off one of the greatest Thanksgiving dinners of all-time. And it seems like the dream is coming true. As I stand here today in front of my peers, and all of the world, I feel blessed. Blessed to be alive, blessed to be at your service..."
RK sees that Sparky is looking directly at him and his eyes widen.
RK (CONT.): "Blessed. Blessings on blessings on blessings. I think it was Big Sean, maybe Drake that said 'I'm way up, I feel blessed.' And that's what tonight is. You know, when you sneeze, you're supposed to say 'bless you.' But people don't do that to me. Because I'm already blessed, and I'm allergic to failure, just like Eminem. Because every time I come close to it, I just go 'ah-choo,' then a-chieve!'"
Beat.
RK (CONT.): I'm sorry, I can't do this.
RK runs out of the dining room in a panic. Bitch Clock looks at Sparky while swirling his glass around.
BITCH CLOCK: I told you he wasn't ready for this.
SPARKY: You're a jackass.
Sparky runs out of the dining room.
MANNY: Hey Buster.
BUSTER: Yeah?
MANNY: Thanksgiving, biotch!
BUSTER: Eh, it's not the time.
MANNY: F*** you, I was just trying to be nice.
SCENE 51
The Jennings Household
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
RK is shown crying on his bed. Sparky walks in.
SPARKY: Hey, man. Are you okay?
RK immediately wipes his tears, stands up, and adjusts his tuxedo.
RK: Yeah. Yeah, are you kidding me? I'm doing great, .400 batting average. Let's get that food.
SPARKY: Are you sure? I know it was hard being down there giving the toast.
RK: It probably was for some, but I'm different. Come on, let's eat.
RK walks out of the bedroom, but Sparky stands by the doorway.
SPARKY: RK, you know you can talk to me about anything. Being the host isn't easy.
RK: Sparks, I already told you I'm fine. I wanna go eat. Let's go, please.
SPARKY: And that's it? Nothing you want to get off your chest?
RK: Get what off my chest? I don't want to talk about this. Let's enjoy the meal so I don't lose face.
SPARKY: Alright, I won't bother you anymore. But just know that I really appreciate you stepping up tonight.
RK: You do? Then why do I feel like shit?
RK walks back into his room and Sparky follows him.
RK (CONT.): I froze up there. I made eye contact with you one time and I lost it. Everything I had planned tonight, my big moment, it's all ruined.
SPARKY: How was it ruined? You put all this together.
RK: Yeah, and it doesn't matter because it'll never be the same as you. I could never live up to you, man.
SPARKY: What do you mean?
RK: Look, maybe this is hard for you to get, but I look up to you. You're Sparky, the leader. You get everything done. Meanwhile, everybody sees me as some weirdo. I just wanted to be looked at the same way you get looked at, for one night. But I failed.
SPARKY: RK, do you know why I didn't want to host Thanksgiving this year?
RK: Yeah. You were tired and needed a break. It happens.
SPARKY: No, it's because I had a mental breakdown last year. For the first time, I felt like I didn't have it in me to live up to everybody's expectations. That's why I was rooting for you to get things done, because when you put your mind to something, you're unstoppable.
RK: I do have a competitive spirit. But that's crazy. I never thought you would find something you couldn't do.
SPARKY: Well, I did. Maybe next year, I'll try again, but this year belongs to you. Who cares that you got stage fright? You go back down there and you let people know that this dinner couldn't have happened without you.
RK: I mean, it was a team effort, but I hear ya. I do have a condition.
SPARKY: What is it?
RK: I want us to do the toast together.
SPARKY: No problem.
SCENE 52
The Jennings Household
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and Sparky stand together at the head of the table.
SPARKY: Tonight, we're supposed to be thankful and be proud of what we have. I guess if I'm thankful for anything, it's the fact that my friends took over for me when I felt like things were too hard. So much can go wrong when you let someone do things for you, but you all stepped up and made this dinner one to remember. Especially you, RK. I'm thankful that you rose to the occasion and made it out the other side a winner. I'll never forget that.
RK: Thanks Sparko. And I'm thankful that you gave me the opportunity to prove that I could do it right. I thought I needed to be like you in order to do this, but it wasn't necessary. I just needed the help of my friends and family to do it, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
SPARKY AND RK: Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
The kids raise their glasses and clink them together at the same time.
BUSTER: Salute.
BITCH CLOCK: Now that you two shut the f*** up, we can actually eat some of this food.
Sparky and RK look at each other, then at Bitch Clock.
SPARKY: Guys, excuse us, we have to take care of something.
RK: Yes, avail yourself to the cuisine.
Sparky pulls Bitch Clock by his ear and drags him out of the dining room as RK follows him.
JAYLYNN: They're gonna beat his ass.
HALLEY: How do you know?
JAYLYNN: Because he was asking for it.
SCENE 53
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and RK confront Bitch Clock.
SPARKY: I know what you've been doing and it doesn't take a genius to figure it out.
BITCH CLOCK: Whatever do you mean, roommate?
SPARKY: I mean that you knew that you could give RK a hard time and throw him off because I wasn't in charge. You didn't care about saving Thanksgiving. You just wanted to take advantage of the situation.
BITCH CLOCK: Is that so wrong? I'm entitled to some perks every once in a while.
RK: You want perks? I have a couple f***ing perks for you, courtesy of Mr. Bean and-
SPARKY: Easy, RK. Pounding him is too simple. It's too simple.
BITCH CLOCK: It is.
SPARKY: Hey Bitch Clock, what's your least favorite movie?
BITCH CLOCK: Aquamarine, but I don't see how-
Sparky hits Bitch Clock with a tranquilizer dart, knocking him unconscious.
SPARKY: You should have never taught me how to do that, dumbass.
RK: So, what do we do with him?
SPARKY: We give him the greatest perk we can think of.
SCENE 54
The MacDougal Household
Interior Attic
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock wakes up, but he is chained to the couch.
BITCH CLOCK: What the hell? What's going on here, my BDSM night is Tuesday, not Thursday!
("Connected" by Sara Paxton is heard playing on the TV)
BITCH CLOCK (CONT.): Noooooooo! Turn it off, you bastards, turn it off!
SCENE 55
The MacDougal Household
Seattle, Washington
An exterior shot of the house is shown at night as "Connected" continues playing in the background.
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): Damn you, MacDougal! Damn you, Jennings! God will get you back for this, you psychos!
Bitch Clock begins to cry. Fade to black.
("Soul Food" by Fabolous and Jadakiss plays over the end credits)
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HAPPY THANKSGIVING