CONRAD
„He was probably fucking my girlfriend" Jere said to Steven, leaning against him like a parasite. This act was pathetic. I've seen him drunk so many times I've lost count, but this wasn't party drunk; this was desperation drunk.
„Jere—" Steven made a noble attempt to calm him down. I could see Steven was already struggling to keep Jere on his feet.
„She's not your girlfriend." I admit, this wasn't the smartest choice. I should have kept my thoughts to myself and my mouth shut, but it would be a disrespect to her name to let that one slide. He cheated on her, he didn't deserve to be spared the harsh truth.
„Oh, but yours, right?" Jere said in between hiccups. I was ashamed of him. To sink this low is a disgrace. If I wanted to help Steven get him into his bed, I needed to stay silent.
„Even if she were to ever let me fuck her, she would probably scream out your fucking name, Conrad." The ends I would've gone for my brother, the things I would've forgiven him — how foolish to accept him for who he is and for the effort he has put into hiding our father's genes.
„Shut up, Jere." I spat out. Steven was embarrassed to even be in this situation. All of it felt uncomfortable, at least for everyone who didn't smell like tequila.
„That little slut went o—" I pinned him against the wall. The intrusive thought of Laur waking up disappeared, and I grabbed him by his shirt, furious at the sight of him.
She wasn't perfect, and neither was I, but hearing anyone talk about her like that made me physically feel my blood boil. I was in no position in which I should have protected her name, nor did she need me to do that, but I couldn't handle the air in which she was disrespected like that.
I had no right to call her my girlfriend or feel like she could ever be. There was too much damage behind and in front of us, but I would rather cut out Jere's tongue than hear him call her a slut again.
Him being completely drunk gave me the advantage of being stronger than him. He wasn't my little brother, I don't recognise this man.
„You listen to me and better do it carefully, Jere." I could feel the rage giving me strength to almost lift him up from the ground. „If you ever say something like that again, I will murder you, you fucking idiot." My voice was low, silent. I meant every word, and I made sure he understood that. I pushed him against the wall again and stepped away from him, leaving him in a state of shock I hadn't seen before.
I wasn't joking about this, and he could sense it. His strong facade was breaking apart, and his eyes were betraying him, he looked scared.
„She really did made you her little bitch." He spat out, like a child.
„Grow up, Jere." Completely finished with him and this version of himself that he became I turned around to return to her.
I heard Steven yell
„Jere, no, stop!" His voice was filled with panic.
Before I could fully turn around, I felt Jere push my shoulder, so I turned around before he punched me in the face.
Maybe he needed that. Maybe this was the only way this could end. I remember Belly choosing him and leaving me, I remember their kiss against my car, and the feeling was reflecting in Jere's eyes now.
I pity him, loosing Belly was the 9th circle of hell. Lucifer himself would envy this kind of pain.
I forgive him, this was what he needed.
We looked at each other, the vein against his neck was pulsating, and his arm muscles still wouldn't settle. It felt like he sobered up in a second. He wasn't shocked that he punched me, he probably wanted to do this months ago. He owed me that. He owed it to himself.
I remember loosing Belly, nothing could ever comfort me. Nothing could ever convince me that anything would be okay again. It was draining, it was sucking air out of me.
I forgive him everything.
He nodded. He did just punch the shit out of me, but we weren't strangers. He knew what I was thinking in this moment, and I nodded back.
Belly called for me, and in complete silence between Jere and I, he added,
„This doesn't make us even." I couldn't quite make out if he was about to cry or pass out, maybe both?
„As long as she doesn't do the smart thing and runs away from the both of us, we will never be even." I meant every word of what I just said.
I was in his shoes, I walked a mile in them, and I knew very well, that it would forever haunt me — the feeling of her fingers against my skin, her hair on my shoulder, her eyes staring into mine. The ghost of her would haunt me, and the unbearable reminder that he would be the one to have that wouldn't let me rest either.
I saw him turn around and head to his own room. Steven followed him, unsure what to do in intense moments like these. I took a deep breath before retuning to Belly's room.
It took one look at her and I knew, she ruined everyone else for me. I not only want it to be her, I also couldn't imagine it ever being anyone else. She was my definition of everything I ever read about love, everything I've ever seen in real people adoring each other. I only saw her face listening to any love song, every beautiful lyric I connected to her eyes. Every other person that would ever try to fill that place would be just that — a replacement, trying an eternity to glue me together, even if I would shatter like a mirror if she ever realised that I wasn't good enough for her.
„Conrad!" She yelled, pulling the wheelchair closer to her, trying to move on her own.
„It's okay, Belly." I rushed over to her, sitting next to her, helping her sit back down properly.
„What happened?" She looked up at me, she couldn't help it, she was always worried about everyone.
„Jere got drunk, Steven is taking care of him, they're both fine." I took her hand, and just like thousand times before, it was warm and just like thousand times before, I never wanted to her it go.
„I heard Steven yell out and… Oh my god, did he punch you?" It was fine that she let go of my hand, only because she touched my face with it. It was a rushed movement, but she made sure to be perfectly gentle with me, completely undeserving of this.
I wanted to kiss her. Each time she took a breath, I yearned to steal it away. I wanted to steal every breath, but I knew it wasn't the time. I knew it wasn't the time and it was physically difficult to lean back without her noticing the inner struggles within me. I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to breathe her in, and grasp at her shoulders. I wanted to press my body against hers, to melt together. I wanted to make her feel superior to any other person on this earth, I wanted to get her to the top of the world. But it wasn't the time.
Ever since I was a little kid, the only superpower I ever wanted to have was based on the only wish I had, which was to read her mind. I wanted to know if she thought of me the way I thought of her, if she painted me to be the hero of her story.
„I'm fine, it's nothing." I said, proving my own willpower once again when I once again, resisted to kiss life not out, but into her.
„He wasn't who I thought he was." That makes two of us.
„Or he wasn't who you wanted him to be?" I asked, not wanting to sound petty. I would never accuse her of making bad choices if they came from the heart.
„It was a mistake." She sounded defeated.
„Don't ever think that you seeing the good in people is a mistake."
I wanted to tuck her in, but I didn't have the privileges to do that yet. I was fine with it for now, not kissing her then would be impossible.
Closing the door behind me I was surprised to see Steven still in the hall.
„I made sure he laid on his side" He said, I knew he had a lot to say.
„Say it." I encouraged.
„If any of that gets to her, this rage, the anger, Conrad, I love you like a brother, but I will—"
„It won't, I would never let that happen." I stopped him, respecting him for the protective person he was.
„You both love her." He said, nervously, as if he just insulted me.
„I know, that's the worst part." I said, feeling overpowered by emotions of all sorts. „But you have to trust me, I would never let this reach her, Steven, to me, she is—"
„I know, that's the worst part." He cut me off this time, and we both smiled. It was nice having a friend like him. He could never understand what I felt for her, but he acknowledged and respected it. He never questioned it, he never made me explain it. He knew it was there, and he let it grow in peace.
Days have passed since I'd last seen Jere, he made sure to disappear before any of us saw him the next morning. I saw his handwriting on a letter laying on Belly's nightstand, so he must have said his farewells. I decided to ignore the fact that I'd seen it, it was her privacy, and whatever they had, it was theirs.
Belly was Wonder Woman. She was determined and strong-willed, she was living through the pain and it became her best friend. I made sure we don't miss a single appointment and I was even more determined than her to stand by her. Laurel suggested relocating us to Philadelphia, but Belly wouldn't have it, saying most of her recovery came from the ocean and in a weird way, it did made sense.
In the same incredible speed as Belly's recovery, my self-destructive thoughts were creeping up on me. Each day spent with her meant a day closer to leaving for Stanford. This wasn't something we would talk about, she would start, but I would finish before it began. Not because I didn't know what to say, I did. I wasn't prepared for it. The pure idea of leaving her made me sick to my stomach, and that had nothing to do with her current situation. Leaving her would always sting, I will never be prepared for that.
Her head way poking out of the car window as we drove back from physical therapy. She switched to crutches two days ago and lowkey loved them for being the perfect weapon against Steven's somewhat cruel jokes.
Laurel loved that the house was doing its magic, we were still having our summer. I thought about that, sneaking a glance of her singing „Stick Season" by Noah Kahan as loud as she could.
„Why didn't you turning left?" She asked, noticing we're not going back home.
„Nothing gets by you, Sherlock." I teased her, not revealing our destination.
I called in a favour from a good friend. Cleveland was generous enough to let me borrow his boat for two days, and Laurel only raised an eyebrow, a gesture, letting me know she trusts me with Belly but also signalling that she wouldn't survive anything else happening to her again. I couldn't agree more.
"After everything, you really are kidnapping me" She said, and she didn't need to elaborate for me to know this was connected to the story she would go for if anyone asked why she sneaked out of the house that cold December night to witness snow on the beach.
Snow on the beach wasn't what surprised me that night. Someone as beautiful as her, giving herself to someone like me, surprised me more. I witnessed love like no other that night; I will never forget it, nothing changed for me; I only love her more now.
I love her like I have a guarantee that she will never stop loving me. I love her like I have a clue what the future will bring. I love her like sunsets love the ocean, and I love her like I know it's forever.
We reached the haven where Cleveland's boat was, and I parked the car on the parking lot in front of it.
„You will kill me, and throw my body in the ocean, how innovative, Fisher." She teased me. God, was she beautiful. It was unfair to everyone else.
„I've put a lot of thought into it." I chuckled and rushed over to open the door for her. I helped her out of the car and gave her her ‚deadly sticks of terror' as she likes to call them.
„No, but seriously, where are we going?" She asked curiously.
„Can't you just follow me?" I asked, grabbing a large bag in which I packed everything I didn't already prepare in the boat.
„Absolutely not, I hate not knowing where I'm going, I will ca—"
„Oh for the love of God." I said as I grabbed her crutches and lifted her, carrying her like a bride. She gasped in shock and demanded to be put down, which I of course wouldn't oblige. She laughed and wrapped her arms around my neck. Anyone who says that blue eyes are beautiful, hasn't seen the magic that the sun does to brown eyes, it turns them golden, and out of all, hers were the most beautiful pair.
I made sure we were both safe, and I carried her into the boat. I put her down, and her face had the most precious expression of utter surprise.
„A boat." She said, confused, observing her surroundings.
„I think so too" I smiled, observing with her, moving my head with hers, acting surprised we ended up here.
„And what are we doing on a boat?" She asked.
„Boating." If they could, her eyes would do a full backflip now and return to their original spot. She eventually cracked a smile as I made my way to get us settled to head to the sea.
„It's Cleveland's, I thought you would like it." I looked at her. Her eyes widened; she was like this when she was grateful. It was a sweet state of shock. She looked around and finally spoke:
„You did this for me?" I didn't need to answer this, all world knows I would do anything for her.
She sat down next to me as I got us away from the haven. It was a beautiful summer day. It was warm, and the drinks were cold. She leaned her head against my shoulder, and the thousand backflips my stomach did almost made me seasick. I was embarrassingly in love with her; she could do anything with me, and she chose to place her head on my shoulder, letting me kidnap her.
„Laurel packed your bag." I said as she reached for it, taking her sunglasses and sunscreen.
„Conrad, this is amazing." She smiled at me, and I understood, the lengths I would go to see that smile were infinite.
I made sure all of her favourite snacks were packed and her favourite songs were playing on the soundbox I brought with me. Once we escaped the city for a while, I sat down next to her.
„I think I will make sure to own a boat when I have kids." I said, surprised by how open and relaxed I was, hopefully, it wasn't the sun hitting me in the head.
„But please don't use the same lame ‚the Fisher-man have returned' jokes, your dad did."
I knew it was a joke, and she meant no harm. But at this point in time, every association with my father was an insult. He represented everything I hated, everything I despised. I wanted to be nothing like him. My family will never know that kind of betrayal from me; my wife will never doubt my love. She will never question if she is the most loved person in any room; she will be. My kids will get to choose who they want to be, and I will support them any way that I can.
„You didn't do your back." Skipping that topic, I reached for the sunscreen next to her. She changed into her bikini a couple of minutes ago while I was still on a mission to escape reality with her.
She wore the magenta-coloured one Taylor got her for her sixteenth birthday. All I could think about for that whole day was how beautiful she looked wearing it.
She smiled, respecting my boundaries when it came to my dad and she turned around grabbing all of her hair in her hand, exposing her back.
I put some cream on my hand ,and she untied the bikini in the back. I gasped, completely shocked and I grabbed the front of it, afraid she would expose herself. I panicked when I realised my hands were on her breasts, holding the bikini in place.
„Connie, there is no one here." She laughed, and I was glad she was turned away from me so she wouldn't see how much I've just blushed. I let go of her and took a deep breath, breathing out next to her, for her not to notice how nervous she made me..
„Cold!" She yelled out as I placed the palm of my hand against her bare back.
„I already had it in my hand." I assured her, rubbing in the sunscreen.
„That does absolutely nothing, your hands are always cold." We both laughed.
I helped her tie the bikini again, and she handed me my sunglasses. I put them on, and a rush of confidence came over me as I placed the palm of my hand on her thigh, still afraid to run it up and down, it just rested there.
„I like when you touch me." Her voice was unbeably soft and low, I wanted it to stay in my ears forever.
„I like touching you." I smiled, knowing how bad that sounds.
She traced her fingers against my arm. I know she noticed the instant goosebumps that gave me, my body wasn't shy showing her what she does to it.
„I like touching you, too." She was carefully watching our hands intertwine. She looked up at me, and I made sure to memorise each freckle.
She knew me like she had the super-power of reading minds. We talked like we haven't spent the past few days together, like we just met and we were love at first sight. She explored the deep parts of her heart and shared her observations with me. It was meaningful, and she made sure to show all of this was because I stayed, because I cared.
„The past two weeks have been humbling." She said, her soul open.
„In what way?" I asked.
„I used to swim and dance and run, and I took all of those things for granted. But I learned there was more to it, there was the bigger picture. It's about the people who stayed, people that cared." I will always care.
„You will swim again, and dance and run." I smiled at her and she nodded.
Every chance, every minute not filled with me kissing her feels like a waste of time. Spending time with her only makes things more clear; it only makes me realise what a fool I was for ever thinking I could go on without this. I want her laugh to consume me; I want to smell her hair around me; I want to listen to things that excite her; I want her wrapped around me; I want her in my bubble; I want it to be our bubble.
We played chess; I almost didn't need to let her win. She challenged me, and I blamed the sun for making me sweat when it was actually her, almost surpassing my skills.
As she sun was beginning to set, I made sure to set the table so we could eat dinner together.
„You thought about everything." She smiled.
„I did, didn't I?" My cocky smile made her leg punch mine under the table. Wait, her leg punched mine under the table!
Her shocked expression let me know I wasn't imagining things. Her leg punched mine under the table!
„Belly!" I said, excited and she squealed. She grabbed her own face, and her jaw dropped. She was regaining strength, and her reflexes were returning. She will swim and dance and run again. She hid tears of joy by covering her face and I joined her on her side of the table. I took her hands in mine, uncovering her beautiful face.
„It's going to be okay, everything will be okay." I whispered to her, and she nodded, way too fast and way too often. Her eyes were puffy, and her face flushed. It will always stun me how something so mundane, so human, made her feel unreal in my eyes.
I brought her hands to my lips and kissed them, gently and slow. She didn't break our eye contact; the gentle breeze was messing with her hair, and if my hands weren't busy holding hers, I would try my best to smooth it out.
The wind, the waves, the music — everything went silent.
This beautiful creature didn't do anything special to take my breath away, but here I was. And nothing mattered, not Jere, not Stanford, not the distance creeping around the corner. I was with her, after everything, that was all that had any kind of meaning to me.
Sunsets made her look the most beautiful.
„Can you do that again?" I joyfully asked her, looking down at her legs. She concentrated and swinged her right leg again, laughing happily. This is how I always wanted her to be. I wanted to kiss her again, but it wasn't fair, this moment was hers, she did this, she was incredible.
We ate, and it was slowly getting dark, so I made sure to set up candles.
„Did it made you feel like we were breaking rules in New York?" She asked, holding a glass of lemonade.
„No, we didn't break any rules." I said, confidently, taking a sip of my water.
„I know, but still, how would you feel if—"
„I would have taken you myself." I smiled, not wanting to sound cocky, I didn't know shit about relationships.
„I wanted to kiss you after the concert, in the pool." She said, looking down at her lap, twirling a strand of her hair nervously in between her fingers.
„I wanted to kiss you every moment since." I smiled, watching her this nervous was amusing.
„What did Jere said about me at that party?" This topic made her sad, I could tell.
„Belly, it doesn't matter." I responded. it wasn't like me to tell someone else's story.
„Well it does. Something changed for you from that moment on." She finally looked up at me.
„It didn't." I tried reassuring her.
„We ended whatever we had that night. You said Jere was the right choice for me." She was determined. Will she ever let it go?
„I know you loved him and all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I was ready to let you go and be with him" She leaned to me more. „but after hearing what he said about you, made it clear to me."
She waited for me to continue.
„It made it clear to me that I would rather damn myself with an eternity of misery than not protect you from anyone ever saying anything like that about you ever again." My words were sharp. Nevertheless, I would be lying if I would say that I didn't feel scared of her reaction.
She just nodded, turning her head away from me.
„Belly—" I began
„You're the only thing that ever made sense to me."
As heavy silence filled the air around us again, I got the message. I wasn't going to be the one getting us in uncomfortable situations, we've had enough of them.
I decided to stand up. Maybe she needed a moment alone, perhaps she needed space.
I felt her hand grabbing mine and pulling me back down to her.
„Just kiss me already." Tears were forming in her eyes again as she smiled, looking like an angel.
I took one last, long look at her, at her beautiful eyes and perfectly long eyelashes, before finally kissing her, finding my way back to her.
In that moment, everything I had ever lost returned to me. She wrapped her delicate arms around my neck and moved closer to me. She would never be close enough, I thought, as the sweet, familiar taste of her lips imprinted on mine. Time stopped, the world faded away, and if it wasn't already painfully obvious, I was entirely hers. I kissed her, wishing it would never end. This is what I wanted to remember for as long as I'm on this earth. Nothing could ever measure up to this, no words would do this feeling justice. My beautiful, my silly, my funny, my smart, my generous, my impatient, my only love, in my arms.