The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Hey, guess what time it is? It's time for more commercials! Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic and his good pal Lucas are going to take a look at another batch of commercials. That's right, it's time to review some of the memorable and some of the strangest commercials that the world has ever seen. Will there be a Bill Cosby commercial in it? Spoiler alert: Yes, there will be a Cosby commercial. So sit back, relax and enjoy the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources.
Episode 198
Commercials XI: The Bad Batch
(We open with the Mayhem Critic intro, but instead of the intro being shown completely, Sean pops up in the intro)
"Alright, let's not waste any time with the intro." Sean said as Lucas a.k.a. UltimateWarriorFan4Ever enters the scene as well.
"You're right, broski. You all know what time it is." Lucas said.
"Roll that beautiful bean footage." Sean said.
(Different bumpers featuring What-a-Mess the Dog from the ABC Saturday Morning bumper from 1994, Dynamo Duck from a Fox Kids bumper from 1992, a Kids WB bumper from 1997, Felix the Cat from a CBS Saturday Morning bumper and an NBC Saturday Morning bumper from 1988 are shown)
(TV static transitions to: Partnership For A Drug-Free America "Noses" PSA from 1997 featuring Eric Idle)
(The commercial opens with an animated cartoon with a person with a blue face shown from the side and the person has a green nose before cutting to the sun wearing a nose and a man wearing a nose holding a rock with a nose on it)
Narrator (Voiced by Eric Idle): There are lots of different names for noses.
"Hey, look. A PSA to start off with first. At least it's not a scary PSA from a different country." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This is a PSA that you would probably remember seeing during Saturday Morning Cartoons or probably cartoons on Sundays or probably during Fox Kids or Kids WB during the weekdays. And it's a pretty goofy one as a certain member of Monty Python is talking about the different names for noses. And that person happens to be…
(A clip from Game of Thrones is shown)
Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn): Jaime fucking Lannis….
"SHUT UP!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.
Lucas: (Narrating) No. Actually, it's Eric Idle (a picture of Eric Idle is shown) providing the narration for the PSA.
Narrator: There are lots of different names for noses.
(We see a small fish with a nose swimming towards a big fish with a nose who ends up eating the small fish followed by a blue and black dog wearing a nose and a guy with a nose skiing down a nose mountain and a factory with a nose producing boogers)
Narrator: Um, snout, schnoz. Um, ski slope, booger factory…
"There's also muzzle, trunk, beak, tip, nose cone, sniffer." Lucas said.
"Bugle, snitch, snoot, conk, proboscis, hooter. Yeah, lot's of different names for noses and for us to come up with." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) What makes this commercial funny are the images of things with noses. I mean, how can you not laugh at that. You have that giant blue face with a nose, you have a fish wearing fake noses, a guy skiing down a giant nose, a dog wearing a fake nose and a nose in a factory producing boogers. Those are laughable images right here while Eric Idle telling us the different names for noses also makes it funny.
Narrator: There are lots of different names for noses. Um, snout, schnoz. Um, ski slope, booger factory. (Cut to the Sphynx in Egypt with a nose that falls off, making the person run away) But no matter what kinds you have or what you call it.
(Cut to a moon wearing a nose that turns into a brain while deadly toxins and skull and crossbones going up the nostril before cutting to a bizarre monster devouring a brain and a coffin wearing a nose)
Narrator: If you use your nose to sniff household stuff to get high, you could get brain damage or die…
"Try explaining that to Charlie Kelly from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. That cheese-lovin' son of a bitch sniffs glue to get high." Lucas said as a picture of Charlie Kelly is shown.
Lucas: (Narrating) Also, don't you just love that the coffin is wearing a nose? Don't you just love the PSA's bizarre imagery? It's like if Terry Gilliam directed this PSA. Hell, it even ends with a foot stomping on a brain.
(Cut to the foot stomping on a brain wearing a nose until it splatters all over the screen, covering it in pink while the text "Partnership for a Drug-Free America" is shown)
Narrator: And that's called just plain STUPID!
"You can just play the Monty Python theme while the commercial is going on." Sean said.
(The Monty Python's Flying Circus theme starts playing throughout the commercial, ending with the foot stomping on the brain, squishing it while it makes a squishing sound effect)
Sean: (Narrating) It's goofy, it's bizarre and it's the best way to explain to kids. And remember not only using your nose to sniff stuff to get high is stupid, it's dangerous!
Narrator: And that's called just plain STUPID!
(As the PSA ends, a shot of Eric Idle as the French waiter from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life)
French Waiter (Played by Eric Idle): Fuck off! Don't come following me!
(TV static transitions to: We're Not Candy! PSA from 1983)
(The commercial opens with four puppet pills that are out of a pill bottle while jolly piano music plays in the background)
Pill #1: Hey, what are we doing out of the bottle?
Pill #2: This is dangerous.
Pill #1: A little kid might come along and think we were candy.
"Uh, what the hell are we looking at?" Sean asked.
Pill #3: And that would be awful because we're medicine.
Pill #2: He might even eat us.
"Are you sure that this is not a prequel to the Don't You Put It In Your Mouth PSA?" Lucas asked.
"Well, let's just hope that they don't start singing." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Okay, I really can't tell if this is either creepy or cute, but what you're honestly seeing with your own two eyes is talking blue pills. And no, I'm not making this crap up. This is an actual PSA with TALKING BLUE PILLS!
Pill #1: No!
Pill #2: No!
Pill #3: No!
Pill #4: Noooo! (Singing) This is serious.
(The word "Serious" appears above them)
Pills 1-3: Serious.
Pill #: (Sings) We could make you delirious.
(The word "Delirious" appears above them)
Pills 1-3: Delirious.
"Oh, son of a bitch." Lucas said.
"I should keep my fucking mouth shut." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Really? We're going to make the pills start singing? Why do we want to see talking blue pills singing? This is too bizarre. Who came up with this idea and thought: "Hey, you want to know what we could do? Let's make a PSA with cute talking blue pills singing to children that pills aren't candy. That would be really cute. Hell, kids would love it".
Pill #4: (Singing) You should have a healthy fear of us.
(The words "Fear of Us!" appear above the pills)
Pills 1-3: Fear of us.
Pill #4: (Singing) Too much of us is dangerous.
Pill #1: No!
Pill #2: No!
Pill #3: No!
Pill #4: Noooo!
"Yeah, if I see a bunch of pills singing to me, I've already taken too many of them." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) What a way to teach children how bad putting pills in their mouths are and that they're not candy. I think the person who came up with this PSA must've been on something.
Pill #4: (Singing) Doctors tell the pharmacy.
Pills 1-3: Pharmacy…
Sean: (Narrating) God, can you imagine if they did a PSA for Tide Pods to keep children away from Tide Pods, it would be like this PSA.
Pill #4: (Singing) We're not candy.
Pill #2: Believe us.
Pill #4: (Singing) Even though we look so fine and dandy…
"We're not candy, we are pills! Don't eat us!" Sean said, imitating the top pill before speaking in his normal voice. "Yeah, that's exactly what some candy would say to a little kid."
Lucas: (Narrating) Whether you think this PSA is creepy or adorable or both, it gives you a lesson that pills are not candy.
Pill #4: When you're sick we come in handy, but…
Pills 1-4: (Singing) We're not candy! Oh, no!
(The PSA ends with the pills snuggling together)
(TV static transitions to: Batman: The Animated Series Action Figures commercials from 1992)
Man: It's a bomb!
(Batman's eyes are shown in his signature pose)
Announcer: The eyes of justice are watching. It's Batman!
(The scene then cuts to a Riddler action figure followed by a maze and a ticking time clock)
Kid: (as Riddler) Riddle me this, where would a villain like me hide a bomb?
"Unless it's in that Alpha Male pig Nick Adams' mansion, then we applaud you." Lucas said.
(Cut to a montage of different commercials featuring the Batman: The Animated Series action figures)
Lucas: (Narrating) Now, we're talking. The amazing world of Batman: The Animated Series from Kenner Toys and their different versions of Batman. If you didn't grow up watching the show or own the toys, then we can no longer be friends.
(Cut to a commercial featuring Combat Belt Batman)
Kid #1: Two-Face is on a firing frenzy.
Announcer: Charging into action is Combat Belt Batman.
(The Two-Face action figure is shown wearing a gold chain)
Kid #2: (as Two-Face) You just got on my bad side, Batman!
"And of course, the Two-Face action figure is wearing a gold chain like a pimp or he's doing his impersonation of drug kingpin Demetrius "Meech" Flenory from BMF." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Just take a look at some of the different variations of Batman and with Kenner distributing the toys, they gotta have the different variations of the character that would probably be on the show.
(Cut to different variations of Batman action figures)
Announcer: It's Combat Belt Batman./Turbo Jet Batman…
Kid: Skydive Batman…
Announcer: Infrared Batman./Mechwing Batman./It's Lightning Strike Batman!/Nightstar Batman…/Anti-Freeze Batman…
(Cut to different ridiculous variations of Batman)
Lucas: (V/O as Announcer) You also have Beatdown Batman that comes with a figure that looks like Doug Walker, Bat-Nips Batman, Bat-Credit Batman…
"The fuck did you say?!" Sean asked as he grabbed Lucas by his shirt.
"Easy, broski. Easy. No need to kill me before the holidays." Lucas said as Sean released him.
"I'm sorry. I'm still not over that You-Know-What." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Also, don't you just love how they show Batman's eyes before the start of the commercial?
(Batman's eyes are shown before the commercial starts)
Announcer: The eyes of justice are watching…
Lucas: (Narrating) That's one way to freak someone out. Batman is keeping his eye out on crime by lurking in the shadows. But then again, that's the most iconic image from the show's end credits.
Announcer: The eyes of justice are watching…
"Yeah, Batman's keeping an eye on Gavin Blake when he's doing something illegal in Gotham City and ends up beating his ass." Lucas said.
Announcer: The eyes of justice are watching…
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean sitting in his office as he sits down at his desk and goes on his laptop. He grabs a bottle of lotion and some tissues as he gets ready to go on a certain porn site while music from The Dark Knight plays. He looks around to make sure nobody is around a la POV shot as he types in "Anna Claire Clouds lesbian scenes'' in the search engine before looking up to see Batman, played by Lucas, standing in front of Sean's desk)
Lucas: (as Batman) What are you doing?
Sean: Whoa! Nothing! I wasn't doing anything. I swear!
Lucas: What's on your laptop?
Sean: Nothing.
(Lucas grabs Sean's laptop and sees what he's looking up)
Lucas: About to watch some hot girl-on-girl action involving Anna Claire Clouds in Brazzers, huh? Well, guess what? You ain't gonna be using Sean Jr. ever again for that.
(Music from The Batman plays as Lucas beats down Sean a la Robert Pattinson's Batman. Batman grabs Sean's laptop and beats him down with it)
Lucas: Goodnight.
(Lucas finishes Sean off with a stomp in the face)
(Cutaway Gag ends)
Lucas: (Narrating) With toys so awesome, Batman is there to let you know that he's watching.
(Cut to a shot of Batman's eyes followed by the Batman, Riddler and Batcycle figures and vehicle)
Announcer: The eyes of justice! Batman! Figure included with Batcycle. Other figures sold separately. Maze and clock not included.
(A clip from Batman & Robin is shown)
Batman (Played by George Clooney): Bat-Credit Card.
Sean: (V/O) Oh, piss off, Clooney!
(TV static transitions to: Pure Moods CD Commercial from 1997)
(The commercial opens to a shot of a nicely lit sky with clouds rolling, followed by a shot of a unicorn riding behind a dancing child set to the tune of "Return To Innocence" by Enigma.)
Narrator: Imagine a world where time drifts slowly, a world where music carries you away.
"And apparently, it's the kind of music that sounds like your drunk stepdad singing karaoke." Lucas replied with yet a snicker.
Sean: (Narrating) Could you imagine one afternoon back in 1997 when you're watching Dexter's Laboratory on Cartoon Network and this commercial pops up in your life? This is of course Pure Moods, one of Time Life's most memorable CD infomercials promoting New Age music.
Lucas: (Narrating) For those who aren't familiar with this kind of music, let's just say this type of music for the people who dig a meditating, hypnotic, masturbating kind of music that you can possibly hear in a Lord of the Rings film.
"And we all know what you're thinking, does every single one of these songs sound like drunken stepdads groaning in high-pitch?" Sean asked before winking, "Let's dig into these fuckers and find out."
Chorus: Return to innocence…
("Orinoco Flow (Sail Away)" by Enya then plays.)
Chorus: Sail away, sail away, sail away…
Narrator: Experience Pure Moods, the perfect soundtrack for your way of life.
"Just in case if you really forgot what this commercial was about." Lucas replied.
("Adiemus" by Adiemus & Karl Jenkins plays as the scene switches to inside a lit cathedral.)
Sean: (Narrating) Welp, that sounds like a drunk stepdad.
Narrator: Direct from Europe, this multiplatinum collection has won the hearts of millions.
"And it's probably the result of billions of babies being bred to this new age porn music." Sean smirked.
(The next scene cuts to a man carrying his bride into their home while "Crockett's Theme" by Jan Hammer plays)
Narrator: Pure ecstasy. Pure Moods. No other collection captures the mood better.
(Transition to the nicely lit sky. "Oxygene" by Jean Michele Jarre plays while a woman pours sand on a man before she kisses him while the CD and cassette are shown)
Narrator: Pure Moods. Over one hour of pure enjoyment. There's never been a collection like it until now.
"Oh, please. If I want pure enjoyment, I would watch a collection of lesbian scenes from Hot & Mean." Lucas said.
(The next scene cuts to a dancing Native American tribe while "Yeha-Noha (Wishes of Happiness & Prosperity)" by Sacred Spirits plays)
"Well, that's one way to piss off the Native Americans and me, since I'm part Blackfoot and part Cherokee. Anyway to piss me off some more since I'm black and part Irish as well? Let's throw in some African tribe music or Irish jig music." Sean said.
("Tubular Bells Part 1" by Mike Oldfield plays as the scene switches to a sundial and the moon. The next scene then switches to a pyramid while "X-Files Theme" by DJ Dado plays)
Narrator: Set adrift to the timeless pleasures of Tubular Bells or take a trip to the unknown with the X-Files Theme.
"Oh, that's real swell," Lucas chuckled, "Nothing sounds relaxing than having Regan McNeil creep on you while hearing this."
"Or having aliens abduct you while you meditate in your sleep," Sean replied.
"Yeah, the truth is out there," Lucas rolled his eyes, "Can you honestly imagine one of these happening in a worst case scenario?"
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(We see Sean relaxing on the chair hearing The Exorcist theme on his headphones.)
Sean: Ahhhh, it feels so good. I've got my beer, my incense and my music. I don't know how it could get…
(A picture of Regan McNeil from The Exorcist pops up screaming in the screen.)
Sean: *screaming* OH SHIT!
(Sean then falls out of the chair.)
(Cutaway gag ends.)
"Trust me, I would have needed new underwear for that jumpscare." Sean pointed out.
(The next scene plays as the song "Sadness" by Enigma plays while the music video is shown)
Chorus: Sade, dis-moi (Hosanna)...
"You know, whenever I hear this song playing, I think of the Slow Motion sketch from Chappelle's Show or the fake trailer for Satan's Alley in Tropic Thunder." Lucas said.
"Hell, this is the type of music that you would have sex to." Sean said.
Narrator: Pure emotion, pure pleasure, no other collection gives you the feeling of Pure Moods. Get yours now on cassette or compact disc.
"Even the narrator has the balls to let you know what this CD has," Lucas pointed out, "It has pleasure. This album knows how to bust your nut."
Sean: (Narrating) So if you ever want a CD that gives you that strange orgasmic new age erotic feeling, Pure Moods is that collection for you.
Narrator: To order Pure Moods, have your credit card ready and call the number on your screen. Or send check or money order for $15.99 for cassette or $17.99 for CD plus shipping and handling to the address above. Rush delivery available. Call now.
Sean: (v/o as Narrator) Warning: May cause the listener to masturbate.
(TV static transitions to: The Stupids TV Spot from 1996)
(The commercial opens with the New Line Cinema logo. The logo swirls into a vortex before transitioning to a scene from the movie featuring Stanley Stupid, played by Tom Arnold.
Announcer: You are now entering the world of the Stupids.
Stanley Stupid (Played by Tom Arnold): That seems pretty senseless, but… whatever.
(Cut to clips from the movie as we see a stop-motion dog waving a flag and Petunia using a tire pump to split a watermelon in half)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this is probably one of the weirdest, most mind-boggling, mind-fucking movies that I have ever seen in my life. Just take a look at these scenes and tell me how dumb this movie is.
Announcer: This summer…
(Cut to Buster Stupid taking his goldfish in a tank for a walk)
Buster Stupid (Played by Bug Hall): I got up early to walk my fish.
(Cut to the stop-motion cat on an inflatable pool float wearing sunglasses and making a shocked face. Followed by Joan Stupid, played by Jessica Lundy, running back and forth from one room to another)
Announcer: …stupid is as stupid does.
(Petunia looks underneath the couch cushion, looking for her mother)
Petunia Stupid (Played by Alex McKenna): Mom?
(Cut to Buster looking in the toilet)
Buster Stupid: Mom?!
Stanley Stupid: Someone stolen our garbage again.
(Cut to Joan, Petunia and Buster screaming at the camera)
Lucas: (Narrating) Oh, Christ. Why is this even a movie? Why is this even made? Mind you that this is from the same guy who directed this movie…
(A clip from An American Werewolf in London is shown)
Jack (Played by Griffin Dunne): Beware the moon, David.
Sean: (Narrating) And this movie…
(A clip from National Lampoon's Animal House is shown)
Dean Vernon Wormer (Played by John Vernon): Well, as of this moment, they're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!
Lucas: (Narrating) And that movie…
(A clip from The Blues Brothers is shown)
Elwood Blues (Played by Dan Aykroyd): We're on a mission for God.
"And this is the same guy who was responsible for Vic Morrow's death on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie." Sean said as a picture of director John Landis is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, the '90s was the year that John Landis made shitty movies after Coming to America. I'm guessing he's trying to be like Don Bluth with films like (posters for the following movies are shown) Oscar, Innocent Blood, Beverly Hills Cop III and…
(A poster for Blues Brothers 2000 is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) That disgrace that we do not want to mention.
Lucas: (Narrating, while annoyed as clips focus on the Stupid family) God, I'm just waiting for the mutant Nazis from An American Werewolf in London to kill them, or Carrie Fisher from The Blues Brothers to blow them away with a bazooka, or maybe Donna Dixon from Spies Like Us to… matter of fact, let Dan Aykroyd keep Donna Dixon. Lucky bastard.
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, they both separated last year.
Lucas: (Narrating) Damn it. (Yells) I SHOULD JUST BITCH SLAP JOHN LANDIS IN THE FACE FOR MAKING THIS MOVIE!
"You're all probably wondering why are we being hard on the guy who brought us great comedies from the '80s? Well, if this four-eyed fuck has a problem with it, then he can tell us himself!" Sean exclaimed.
Suddenly, the TV changes the channel to show director John Landis, but he is played by Chad Knight, who is seen folding his arms, scowling and staring at Sean and Lucas as they both become stunned silent for a few moments before one of them speaks up.
"John Landis?" Sean asked as Chad/John scowled silently at them.
"Oh, my God! We love your movies!" Lucas exclaimed.
"Yeah, we're both big fans of you! Dude, I cannot believe that John Landis is looking at us right now! Mr. Landis, I love Spies Like Us. It's one of my favorite comedies of all time and I watch it because of Donna Dixon. She's smoking hot." Sean said.
"Let's not forget Animal House. Who wouldn't laugh at Donald Sutherland as a weed-smoking teacher? It's hilarious. And Trading Places, I watch it just because of Jamie Lee Curtis." Lucas said.
"We take back everything about what we said about you. YOU ARE A GOD! And what are you doing right now? Why aren't you saying anything?" Sean asked.
"Oh, nothing. I'm just waiting to see what you're going to do." Chad/John said.
"Oh, really?" Lucas asked.
"What? Do you have a beef with me? Look, if you want me to review Beverly Hills Cop III, then you can forget it. That movie sucked balls. Why don't you go after the Nostalgia Critic? That dude reviewed Blues Brothers 2000." Sean said.
Chad/John stayed silent for a moment while scowling at Sean and Lucas.
"Let's go to the next commercial. He's too chicken to go after us." Lucas said.
"Right. Fuck off, Landis." Sean said as he grabbed the remote to change it to the next commercial.
(TV static transitions to: Fire Emblem "Dinner" Game Boy Advance Commercial from 2004)
(The commercial opens up with a shot of a darkened castle in the distance. The scene then transitions to several knights having dinner inside the castle.)
Knight 1: The drums of war are beating. In the name of your queen, you must be prepared to fight.
(The other knights cheer.)
Knight 1: You must be prepared to die.
(The other knights cheer again.)
"Well, this is weird," Sean raised an eyebrow, "Is this Game of Thrones I'm watching?"
"I dunno, maybe it's Highlander." Lucas shrugged.
Knight 1: But beware, my brave friends. For in these strange times, no man can be trusted.
(One of the knights, who is named Dorcas, passes out on the dinner table.)
Knight 2: What's happened to Dorcas?
Knight 1: *to Knight 1* I put poison in his mug.
(The other knights laugh.)
"Well, that's one way to be a prick at the dinner table." Sean smirked.
"If I had thoughts of someone killing me in the dinner table, I'd fucking eat out instead," Lucas replied, "No way am I drinking anything that tastes like a mixture of rubbing alcohol and dog ass."
(The other knight in red laughs as well, but starts to feel uncomfortable to the point where he spits a bit of liquid out of his mouth.)
Sean: (Narrating) Look at that dude in red, even he knows his life is valued at the dinner table.
Red Knight: (v/o as Sean) I only hope I didn't drink that poisoned dog ass.
"Well, looking at this commercial, I'm gonna guess this is just some sort of advertisement for an HBO show right?" Sean shrugged before saying in a weak tone, "Right?"
Narrator: Plan your strategy, build an army, trust nobody.
(A Game Boy Advance SP is shown with the Fire Emblem title on the screen.)
Narrator: Fire Emblem. Only for Game Boy Advance.
Woman: Game Boy.
"What?" Sean gasped.
Sean: (Narrating) Yes fans, just in case if you're clueless was this was at first, this was a commercial promoting Fire Emblem for the Game Boy Advance. I thought this was a Game Of Thrones ad I was watching!
(Footage of the games Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon and the Blade of Light, Fire Emblem The Binding Blade, Fire Emblem Path of Radiance, Fire Emblem Radiant Dawn, Fire Emblem Awakening, Fire Emblem Three Houses and Fire Emblem Engage plays in a montage while the song "Fodlan Winds" from the Fire Emblem Three Houses game plays in the background.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Right as SEGA hit it big with Shining Force series and Sony did the same with Final Fantasy Tactics, Nintendo hit it big with the Fire Emblem series 33 years ago with the release of Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon and the Blade of Light on the Famicom. Sadly, we couldn't get that title until 2020 when it was released for a limited time on the Nintendo Switch.
"We're still pissed off you took it off of the eShop too soon, you bastards." Lucas said, scowling to the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) The game was unlike any RPG we've ever seen. It was a JRPG masterpiece in which its real-time strategy gameplay mixed with it's interesting story and extra-shocking perma-death feature, which would suck considering the fact when your characters die they remain dead until the end of the game, made it an instant hit with people in Japan. Us Americans didn't get any form of Fire Emblem until 2001 when Marth and Roy got included in Super Smash Bros Melee, which was weird back then considering no one here in the U.S. knew what the fuck Fire Emblem was.
Lucas: Thankfully for us, the franchise didn't explode in popularity in the US until 2013 when Nintendo revitalized the franchise with Fire Emblem Awakening for the Nintendo 3DS. This title helped save the series and continued to find brand new fans into the franchise what with the following releases Fire Emblem Fates in 2015, Fire Emblem Three Houses in 2019.
"Which is the BEST SELLING GAME in the franchise and the BEST Switch game ever." Lucas said, holding up a box of Fire Emblem Three Houses in hand.
Sean then held a custom made Sword of the Creator and said, "And anyone who disagrees with that, MEETS THIS."
Lucas: And of course, the most recent release, Fire Emblem Engage, being released early this year. And yes, it's about a knight who looks like what happens if Pepsi became a person.
"And me and Lucas know we're Coke people." Sean pointed out.
(The commercial plays again in slow motion.)
Sean: (Narrating) First of all, if this is supposed to be a Fire Emblem commercial, why don't we see any characters from the game appear in this ad? It's nothing more than a couple of bearded randos who stepped in as a couple of extras from Dragonheart. You want to see a real Fire Emblem commercial? Here's what a real Fire Emblem commercial would look like with the characters included.
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(We see Lucas dressed up as Byleth appear inside the Officers Academy.)
Lucas/Byleth: There we go, I'm finally here.
(We then see a couple of random models dressed up as Dorothea, Hilda and Mercedes. The three then surround themselves, standing very closer to Byleth.)
Hilda: Oh my gosh, you must be our new professor.
Mercedes: He's like what the Goddess turned out to be. A real hunk.
Dorothea: Oh, I agree. He's a real stud. Care to show us what you got?
Lucas/Byleth: Of course I do. *winks to the camera* Allow me to demonstrate.
Sean: (Narrating as V/O) Fire Emblem: Three Houses, The Brazzers Edition only on Nintendo Switch. Rated AO for Adults Only.
"Now THAT'S what you call a commercial." Sean quickly pointed out. "Put that hot shit in Adam & Eve and you got sales spiking up the ass like Lauren Phillips."
"And don't forget to purchase the DLC as well," Lucas replied. "That way you can see Nicolette Shea as Lady Rhea getting gangbanged."
(A clip of the show Breaking Bad plays.)
Walter White (played by Bryan Cranston): You're goddamn right.
(TV static transitions to: Frosted Cheerios Cereal commercial from 1996)
Announcer: Opening everywhere….
(A box of Frosted Cheerios is opened by Gilbert Gottfried)
Gilbert Gottfried: Frosted Cheerios! I've never seen anything like this.
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, look. It's Tony Montana's favorite cereal to eat for breakfast aside from snorting it. (A picture of Tony Montana is shown)
Announcer: Such a sweet and crunchy part of this complete breakfast this box never closes.
Gilbert Gottfried: (After he takes a bite) STUPENDOUS!
"THIS CEREAL IS SO FUCKING GOOD! I'VE GOT TO HAVE MORE!" Lucas yelled out, imitating Gilbert Gottfried.
Lucas: (Narrating) If you haven't tried Frosted Cheerios, then you must be living under a rock. That cereal is the best, the next best flavor since Honey Nut Cheerios. At least it doesn't involve Hulk Hogan eating it.
Sean: (Narrating) And for a cereal that's so damn good, you gotta have some celebrities appearing in it.
(Cut to the commercial featuring the following celebrities)
Melissa Joan Hart: Well, duh! Of course it's delicious.
Raven-Symone: This is way too good for adults.
Florence Henderson: Mmm! Better hide it from the kids. (Eats the cereal)
Chris Elliott: (Eats the cereal) My mouth it's so excited!
Queen Latifah: Mmm! It's fierce and it's frosted.
Lucas: (Narrating) Not only that, the animated character gotta have some Frosted Cheerios as well.
Underdog: There's no need to fear, Frosted Cheerios is here!
"Even Underdog's gotta have some Frosted Cheerios before he fights crime." Sean said.
(Cut to another commercial featuring Gumby and Pokey)
Gumby (Voiced by Dal McKennon): Hey, they're frosted!
Pokey (Voiced by Art Clokey): Hey, we're clay!
Sean: (Narrating) Take a look at this commercial, you have Newman from Seinfeld enjoying his Frosted Cheerios and he gets a little too excited.
Wayne Knight: (Opens the box of cereal) Mmm, Frosted Cheerios! (He pours some into his bowl while laughing) Come to papa, baby!
"Nedry, the park is in your hands and… wait a minute. Are you eating the Frosted Cheerios?! And you shut down the power to the fence and let all of the dinosaurs out?! You bastard!" Lucas exclaimed, imitating Dr. Hammond.
Lucas: (Narrating) If they did another commercial like this today, I wonder which celebrities they're going to have in these commercials.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Announcer: Opening everywhere…
(The box of Frosted Cheerios opens and we see Sean, who is playing O.J. Simpson, looking at the cereal)
Sean: (as O.J. Simpson) Hey, Frosted Cheerios.
Announcer: Such a sweet and crunchy part of this complete breakfast this box never closes.
(Sean is seen eating a bowl of Frosted Cheerios while holding a knife in the other hand)
Sean: (as O.J. Simpson) Mmm! This is much better than murdering my ex-wife Nicole.
(Another box of Frosted Cheerios opens up as we see Taylor, who is playing singer Taylor Swift while eating a bowl of Frosted Cheerios)
Taylor: (as Taylor Swift) Mmm! I'm going to make a song about it. So frosty and so sweet, just like Travis Kelce.
Announcer: Those wholesome little O's have been frosted the whole way around for a crunchy, sweet taste everyone's into.
(The box opens up and we see Lucas as Johnny Sins)
Lucas: (as Johnny Sins) This is much better than sex with my ex-wife Kissa. (Eats a bowl of Frosted Cheerios) Mmm! So good. Gotta have more.
(A box of Frosted Cheerios is shown)
Announcer: Frosted Cheerios. Tastes so good, this box never closes!
(The box opens up and we see the animated version of Batman, who is voiced by Sean)
Sean: (V/O as Batman) This tastes like vengeance!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Frosted Cheerios. Tastes so good, that every celebrity has gotta have a bowl of it.
Announcer: Frosted Cheerios. Tastes so good, this box never closes!
(The box opens up and we see James Doohan eating a bowl of cereal)
James Doohan: (as Scotty) I've got to have more milk!
"Alright! Another commercial down. What's next?" Sean asked.
"Well, let's see." Lucas said.
As Lucas picks up the remote, he changes the channel to the next commercial, but then Chad/John is on the other channel as Sean and Lucas both scream from the sight of him.
"OH, SCREW YOU!" Lucas yelled out.
"Yeah! We wanted another commercial, not you!" Sean exclaimed.
"Actually, I wanted to tell you guys that I'm working on a new sequel to Spies Like Us. I'm calling it Spies Like U.S." Chad/John said.
"Seriously?! That's basically the same thing!" Sean exclaimed.
"Well you have the "." in between the "U" and the "S" and another "." at the end of the "S", that's what makes the title different. Plus, I'm bringing back Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd to reprise their roles to join two young spies and the four of them are decoys in North Korea. How do you like the sound of that?" Chad/John asked.
"Sounds like a shitty idea. Stop trying to interrupt this special, Landis!" Lucas exclaimed as he grabs the remote to change the channel.
(TV static transitions to: Nike "Hare Jordan" commercial featuring Bugs Bunny and Michael Jordan from 1993)
(The commercial opens with a group of basketball players playing basketball in a gymnasium as the camera pans down to an animated underground rabbit hole, where we see Bugs Bunny is getting his sleep interrupted. He is shown bouncing up and down from the basketball game)
Bugs Bunny (Voiced by Jeff Bergman): Can't a rabbit get any sleep around here?
"Oh, my God. This has got to be one of the greatest commercials ever with the best team-up ever. I mean, I'm talking EPIC. We haven't seen an epic live action/animated team-up since…" Sean said.
(The scene cuts to an American Express commercial featuring Jerry Seinfeld and Superman.
Jerry Seinfeld: What?
Superman (Voiced by Patrick Warburton): It's Lois! She's in trouble!
Jerry Seinfeld: Did you look through that building?
Superman: Well, kinda. It's glass.
(Jerry gives Superman a look)
"Yeah, that. But this one is much more awesome." Sean said.
"How awesome is it, you ask?" Lucas said to the camera, "Let's play it out and see for ourselves."
(Bugs then pops up from the basketball court.)
Bugs Bunny: What's all the racket?
(All of the basketball players corner around Bugs Bunny, grunting very gruesomely.)
Bugs Bunny: Eh, what's up…
(One of the basketball plays grabs Bugs by the throat.)
Bugs Bunny: Doc…?
"Hey, that's a technical foul!" Sean pointed out.
"Indeed, a half-court wabbit-handling violation!" Lucas pointed out as well.
(Another one of the ball players spin Bugs's ears like a helicopter.)
Bugs Bunny: I was only kidding!
(The players then let go of Bugs, letting him fly all around the court.)
Bugs Bunny: Yaaaaaaaaah… *freeze frames* Gruesome, ain't it?!
"Yeah, having your ears spin around like Randy Orton did to Jeff Hardy that one time is a pain in the ass compared to this." Lucas pointed out once more.
(Bugs Bunny then lands on the basketball hoop, leaving the other basketball players laughing at him.)
Bugs Bunny: *angrily* Of course you know, this means war!
"Aw hell, looks like they done fucked up now." Sean said, forming a big gulp in his throat.
"Indeed, which man would be insane to team up with the wascally wabbit himself?" Lucas raised his eyebrow in question as a picture of John Rambo, Hulk Hogan and Steve Urkel popped up beside both Sean and Lucas, "Is it John Rambo, Hulk Hogan, Steve Urkel or perhaps is it THIS MAN?"
(Bugs Bunny gets his signature Hare Jordan shoes on before going face-to-face with the basketball players.)
Bugs Bunny: Hare Jordan…
(A camera pulls up to reveal Michael Jordan.)
Bugs Bunny: …and AIR Jordan.
(All of the basketball players look shocked to see him.)
Michael Jordan: What did you expect? Elmer Fudd?
"MICHAEL JORDAN!" Sean and Lucas both shouted from the top of their lungs as Taylor enters the room.
"What's with all of the yelling?!" Taylor asked.
"Babe, we're looking at one of the greatest commercials ever made." Sean said.
"Wait, is it the Nike commercial featuring Bugs Bunny and Michael Jordan in the Hare Jordan commercial?" Taylor asked.
"Yeah." Lucas said.
"Oh, my God! The greatest team-up ever since Jerry Seinfeld and Superman." Taylor said.
"Care to watch with us?" Sean asked.
"You bet your ass I will." Taylor said as she sat in between Sean and Lucas.
(Michael Jordan plays against the other players as he keeps making slam dunks while Bugs is busy reading a book titled "Hare Care")
Bugs Bunny: Nice shot.
(It's now Bugs' turn to play against the other basketball players and he makes a shot before we cut to Michael Jordan sitting on the chair while reading the "Hare Care" book)
Michael Jordan: Nice shot.
(One of the basketball players try to make a shot, but then Bugs replaces the basketball with an anvil)
Bugs Bunny: This floors 'em every time.
(The word 'Pun' appears. Bugs hands the basketball player with the anvil, which send the player down to the floor and we see a comical cartoony hole on the floor)
Sean, Lucas and Taylor start cracking up from what they just saw.
"I cannot believe that idiot fell for that." Sean said as he continued to laugh.
(During the game, Michael makes another shot. One of the players approaches Bugs as he smirks at the camera and smashes a pie in the player's face and Michael does the same with the other player. The rest of the other basketball players are running as Bugs appears wearing a dress and a blonde wig.
Bugs Bunny: (In a feminine voice) Yoo-hoo!
(The basketball players immediately crowd around Bugs and they do a wolf whistle as Bugs looks at the camera and holds up a sign that reads "Silly Aren't They?")
"Oh, God. I hope those guys don't have any ideas for banging Bugs Bunny. I mean, who would want to be attracted to animals. Who would want to bang furries?" Taylor asked as footage from the Orangina commercial is shown, featuring a clip of a female bunny wearing a skimpy blue bikini having Orangina sprayed all over her. "Oh, God. Why would people want to bang animals? I'm pretty sure that you two aren't having any thoughts of…"
"You know a threesome with Lola Bunny and Roxanne from A Goofy Movie sounds good right about now." Sean said.
"Oh, God. You're sick." Taylor said as she got up from off of the couch and left the room.
"What?! I was only kidding, babe!" Sean yelled out.
"Were you serious about that?" Lucas asked.
"Hell, yeah. They're both hot." Sean said.
(Michael continues to make a couple of shots into the hoop while Bugs slides underneath one of the players and pulls on his shorts. The basketball player looks behind him and sees this happening as Bugs sticks the basketball in his shorts while pulling them back)
Bugs Bunny: Nice shorts.
(Bugs sends the basketball at the basketball player, knocking him out and the other players senseless before cutting to Michael and Bugs leaving the gym)
Bugs Bunny: This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
"You sure ain't kiddin', Bugs. That friendship would definitely come in handy when Space Jam hit theaters in three years." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) Brilliant! Friggin' brilliant! And this was directed by Joe Pytka, (a picture of director Joe Pytka is shown) who would go on to direct Space Jam. I mean, how awesome is it to learn that this was the same guy who directed this movie?
(The poster for Space Jam is shown)
"Yeah, a movie that would start every guy's fantasy about Lola Bunny." Taylor said.
"Watch it, babe." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny, the real Mega Powers that matter. Sorry Hulk and Randy.
(The words "Air Jordan From Nike" appears in a black screen with big bold lettering. A hole then stretches out revealing to be Michael Jordan.)
Michael Jordan: That's all folks.
(Porky Pig then appears alongside him.)
Porky Pig: Belbeleble–that's my line!
(TV static transitions to: Final Fantasy VII commercials from 1997)
(The commercial opens with the PlayStation logo, followed by a shot of a meteor)
Announcer: An evil empire is sucking the life force from the planet.
(Cut to a shot of the Mako Cannon firing, followed by footage of cutscenes from Final Fantasy VII while epic music plays in the background)
"Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness one of the greatest commercials ever for one of the best video games of all time." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) And with Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth coming out next year, we might as well talk about this masterpiece of a video game. Final Fantasy VII was released on the PS1 on September 7th, 1997, and this game was big. And I mean REAL BIG. If anyone remembers seeing these commercials back in 1997, they literally sold the living fuck out of this game.
Announcer: It's up to one soldier of fortune to save the world. If he succeeds, you survive. If he fails, you can always hit the reset button.
Sean: (Narrating) I absolutely love these commercials. And since I grew up playing the Niintendo and the Nintendo 64, I thought they were pretty awesome. I was only five years old at the time and I remember seeing one of the commercials while I was watching some show with my mother. And I remember that the one I saw made it feel real cinematic.
(The second commercial for Final Fantasy VII is shown, as it starts of with Cloud falling)
Announcer: Beyond the edge of reality, lies a story of ultimate conquest. A story of war and friendship.
"I am intrigued by this new movie." Sean said.
Announcer: A story of a love that can never be and a hatred that always was.
"Okay, that part actually gave me chills." Lucas said.
Announcer: And now, the most anticipated epic adventure of the year…
"TAKE IT! TAKE MY MONEY! I am going to go see this movie right now. If it's going to be as epic as they say it is, then it's definitely going to be one of the best movies of the year." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch.
Announcer: …will never come to a theater near you.
Sean looks at the camera and stayed silent for a bit as he slowly sits back down on the couch.
"Well, so much for getting my hopes up. It's a video game. It's a goddamn video game. You know, I thought for a minute there that it was a trailer for an actual movie. You got me there, SquareSoft. You got me there." Sean said.
"Although we did finally get a Final Fantasy movie, though." Lucas nodded before crying out in disappointment, "It was unfortunately THIS movie that we got."
(A poster of the film Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within is shown.)
"Oh god, the horror." Sean said, shriveling up in fear.
Lucas: (Narrating) Don't you just love how the announcer says that this game won't be in theaters. Hell, I was expecting him to add something else before the commercial ends.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We open with cutscenes from Final Fantasy VII)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Beyond the edge of reality, lies a story of ultimate conquest. A story of war and friendship. A story of a love that can never be and a hatred that always was. And now, the most anticipated epic adventure of the year… will never come to a theater near you. Or any other console. So, for you Nintendo 64 and Sega Saturn owners, you're shit out of luck. So you can stick with your GoldenEye 64 and that shitty Sonic R. This game will only be on PlayStation, the home of Crash Bandicoot, Twisted Metal and Lara Croft's fine ass. Come to the PlayStation side. Final Fantasy VII.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) I love those commercials. When Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth comes out next year, they gotta do the commercials for that one. This is one epic commercial that we will never forget that it definitely build up the hype for the biggest game of '97.
(The commercial ends with the Final Fantasy VII logo and a shot of the Shinra Building)
Announcer: Final Fantasy VII.
(Cut to the SquareSoft logo and the PlayStation logo)
Voice: PlayStation.
(TV static transitions to: MTV's Big Show commercial featuring Hulk Hogan from 1989)
(The commercial opens up with a closeup of Hulk Hogan.)
Hulk Hogan: Yo, Hulkamaniacs!
Sean then groaned out seeing him and said, "Oh, damn it."
A big explosion then occurs on the screen before revealing to be Brian, who is dressed like Hulk Hogan. He ends up flexing on the TV screen set to the tune of 'Real American" by Rick Derringer just like Hulk Hogan himself before appearing on the couch to sit alongside Sean and Lucas.
"What's going on, maniacs?" Brian/Hulk asked the two men, "I heard you two were doing another commercials special, dude, so I just had to rush over there and see what the 10-4's going on here, brothers. Thanks for the invitation, man."
"You didn't even miss much, Hulkster." Sean shook his head, "You weren't even invited."
"Shows what you know, brother. I know best, dude." Brian/Hulk said before flexing again.
Brian/Hulk: (Narrating) Of course, what you're watching man is another one of my sweet commercials, dude. It's me promoting MTV's Big Show back in '89, man. '89 was a good year for me, jack. I starred in No Holds Barred, dude. I won the WWE Championship from "Macho Man" Randy Savage at WrestleMania V, man. That was a time when I was still married to that bitch of an ex-wife, Linda, brother.
"But enough of my sad existence, brother man jack." Brian/Hulk smirked, "Let's take a look at what I'm selling, dude."
Hulk Hogan: Yo, Hulkamaniacs! MTV's got a brand-new show! The Big *Beeping* Show!
"Are you sure you're not talking about The Big Show Show?" Sean asked as a picture of the Netflix show The Big Show Show is shown next to him.
"No, brother! I'm talkin' about The Big *Beeping* Show! I wasn't talkin' about Big Show and his disappointment of a Netflix show. I'd rather watch the sex tape of me-" Brian/Hulk said.
"Alright! Alright! We get it! We fucking get it." Lucas said as he rolled his eyes in disgust.
"Now, let the Hulkster continue talking about The Big *Beeping* Show." Brian/Hulk said.
Hulk Hogan: With big videos, live music, weird acts, comedy and a different call-in contest every night! They're giving away cash! They're giving away TVs!
"Oh, really now? Cash and TVs?" Sean asked. "Hey, you better give me the cash for me to pay my mom's hospital bill or you'll be the one in the hospital, Hulkster." Sean said.
(Hulk imitates a car and making a honking sound)
Hulk Hogan: They're even giving away a bus trip… to Cleveland!
"Oh, boy. That sounds like fun. A bus trip to Cleveland." Lucas said, disinterested.
"That's because Cleveland rocks, brother!" Brian/Hulk said.
"Cleveland sucks and the Cleveland Browns can kiss my ass!" Sean shouted, being the Cincinnati native that he is.
(Hulk imitates flashing a camera, reading a comic book and riding a jetski)
Hulk Hogan: They're giving away cameras, comic books, jetski, and a one night stand with The Who.
"Wait a minute, a one night stand with–?" Lucas gasped a bit before shaking his head, "I'm sorry, but I can't imagine Roger Daltrey or Pete Townsend boinking anybody."
"Don't knock it till you try it, brother." Brian/Hulk said, winking at Lucas.
Hulk Hogan: They're even giving away me, for at least a night with me, in a private screening of my new movie, and on the first night of the show, they're giving away this Harley Davidson!
(Hulk shows a Harley Davidson motorcycle to the camera.)
Sean and Lucas look at the motorcycle from the comfort of their own couch saying, "Daaaaaaaaaamn!"
"It's a custom made hog, dude." Hulk/Brian smirked, "But I ain't letting you ride it since you two maniacs didn't enter back then, man."
"Oh, come on, that ain't fair, Hulkster." Lucas said, growling at Hulk/Brian.
"Life ain't fair, brother." Hulk/Brian shook his head, "By the way, are you two Real Americans?"
"Uh, yeah, we are." Sean nodded.
Hulk then growled to the two, "Where's your birth certificate, maniacs?!"
Sean then shrugged out before saying, "I think I traded it for a copy of Street Fighter 6."
Hulk Hogan: It's the Big (Bleep) Show, live contest, the largest arms in the world, live winners every night!
Narrator: Premieres this Monday at 8 pm, 7 central, only on MTV.
"Ah, MTV, back when it was all about music videos and not about dull boring-ass reality shows." Sean sighed in satisfaction.
"Tell me about it, brother dude man," Hulk/Brian nodded before grabbing the remote, "Anyway, who wants to see another Hulk commercial, jack?"
Sean raised his hand and said, "Actually, that won't be necessary–"
"Ah, so I heard a yes, man." Hulk/Brian said as he cupped his hand to his own ear, "Right on it, brother."
Hulk/Brian proceeded to change the channel, only to find out a mysterious stranger popping up from the screen, revealing to be Oliver dressed up as WWE legend Bret "Hitman" Hart.
"Hey, Hulkster." Oliver/Bret smirked.
"What the hell you want, brother?" Hulk said, flexing to the camera.
"I'm here live at Calgary just to tell you one thing up close and personal," Oliver/Bret paused for a bit before holding a box of Hulk Hogan vitamins in his hand. He then shouted out, "That these vitamins are BULLSHIT!"
He then threw the vitamins into the trash bin, leaving Hulk/Brian shocked as ever.
"Oh, you just made Hulkamania run wild, dude!" Hulk/Brian flexed in anger, "I'm gonna cripple your Calgary ass, Hollywood-style, brother!"
It wasn't long before Hulk/Brian got off the couch and went out running for the door, therefore leaving in sight. But right as Hulk/Brian left however, Bret/Oliver suddenly showed up from out of the hallway and into the living room in humorous YouTube logic.
"Hey, is the Hulkster gone yet?" Bret/Oliver asked.
"Sure is," Sean nodded, "Thanks for helping him get outta here."
"Sure will, Sean." Bret/Oliver nodded. "Can't believe how stupid Hulkster is thinking I'm in Calgary when I was actually in the basement."
"So lucky you got a personal hitman of your own." Lucas smirked to Sean.
"He's the best there is, best there was and the best that will ever will be," Sean smirked back to Lucas before grabbing the remote, "All right, next commercial!"
(TV static transitions to: The President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports from 1998)
(The commercial opens with a group of friends entering a house while a generic '90s song plays in the background)
Male Singer: (Singing) Gofer a mouthful, gofer the fun…
(One of the kids open a cabinet filled with boxes of Gofer Cakes)
Teen #1: Cool! Gofer Cakes.
"Here's a commercial that'll teach kids to go outside and play." Sean said.
(Cut to the teens eating Gofer Cakes, which is basically Hostess Ding-Dongs)
Male Singer: (Singing) Gofer Cakes is for everyone. Just one snack is all it takes and it's Gofer, Gofer, Gofer Cakes!
"That ain't Gofer Cakes. Those are Ding-Dongs that they're eating." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Look at them, they're just stuffing their faces with snack cakes until they get fat. No wonder they're not getting any exercise.
(Cut to one of the teens spraying whip cream all over the Gofer Cakes and putting them in the blender while pouring chocolate sauce all over them. One of the teens turn the blender on and pours the liquified Gofer Cakes into a glass)
Chorus: (Singing) Open wide, stuff your face! There's always room for more Gofer Cakes!
Teen #2: Whoa!
"What the fuck did you just make?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Did you just turn Gofer Cakes into Gofer Cake smoothies that look like a buffalo took a shit in a glass.
(The teens grab the rest of the Gofer Cakes off of the plate and they are shown laying around, stuffed and exhausted after eating so many Gofer Cakes)
Male Singer: (Singing) Empty the box. Every load, eat those Gofer Cakes 'til you explode.
Announcer: Exercise lately?
"After seeing those teens stuffing their fat asses with Gofer Cakes? Yeah, I need to go out and exercise!" Lucas exclaimed.
Lucas: (Narrating) Man, what a weird commercial. Just seeing those teens just stuffing their faces with Gofer Cakes, I mean, Hostess Ding Dongs, when they should be outside playing.
Announcer: Exercise lately?
"Oh, man. I shouldn't have had this many Gofer Cakes, I feel like my stomach's about to explode." Sean said, imitating one of the teens.
"I'll be in a diabetic coma after I eat all of them." Lucas said.
"Where is Wilford Brimley when you need him?" Sean asked.
Male Singer: (Singing) Just one snack is all it takes and it's Gofer, Gofer, Gofer Cakes!
(Cut to a Liberty Medical commercial)
Lucas: (V/O as Wilford Brimley) Eating too much Gofer Cakes will cause diabeetus.
"What Sean and I are going to say to you teens and we want you all to hear this coming from us." Lucas said.
"GET OFF YOUR FAT FUCKING ASSES AND GO OUT AND PLAY!" Sean and Lucas both yelled at the camera.
Announcer: Exercise lately.
(Cut to a black background with white text that reads "Get up. Get out. The President's Council On Physical Fitness And Sports")
Male Singer: (Sings) 'Til you explode!
(TV static transitions to: Right Guard Xtreme Power Stripe commercial featuring Bam Margera from 2005)
(The commercial opens with a shot of Bam Margera standing inside a Roller Derby rink all while holding up a bottle of Right Guard Xtreme Power Stripe.)
Bam Margera: Yo, Bam here gonna show you here how new Right Guard Xtreme Power Stripe works!
"Because he knows how to skate!" Sean exclaimed.
"He always likes to shake things up a bit." Lucas replied.
Sean then asked to the camera, "What will he do next?"
"Whatever the fuck he wants!" Lucas and Sean shouted in unison.
(Clips of the shows "Jackass" and "Viva La Bam" start playing around in a montage featuring Bam Margera while the song "Minutemen" by Corona start playing in the background.)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, before he unfortunately became a total trainwreck nowadays, Bam Margera is perhaps best known as one of the cast members on one of MTV's awesomest shows of the 2000s, Jackass. The show literally had a lot of crazy-ass stuff going on such as getting male nips being bit on by baby alligators, dressing up in total fat suits, diving in total frickin' raw sewage, eating fresh raw eggs and beating up the shit out of your dad. This thing of course made Bam become one of the breakout stars of the show, so much so that he even had his own spinoff called Viva La Bam three years later, alongside other shows that pretty much lasted like eight episodes.
Lucas: (Narrating) And did I forget to mention he was in the Tony Hawk's Pro Skater games as well? Well, he didn't make an appearance until the third game, but he was still there, damn it.
"So with that being said, let's see how protective those speed sticks are," Lucas replied, "Hopefully, Bam won't beat up his dad with those."
(We see a female roller derby team in black with the letter "O" printed on the shirt. They represent odor. We then cut to another roller derby team, this time they're wearing all green and they wave to the camera. They are representing the Power Stripe)
Bam Margera: (Points to the "Odor" team) Let's say this team represents odor. (Then points to the "Power Stripe" team) And this team represents the Power Stripe.
"Hellooooooooo, Power Stripe nurses!" Sean exclaimed, in his Yakko Warner voice before speaking in his normal voice. "Okay, I like where this is going. You have one team representing odor, while the other team represent the Power Stripe. Let's see how this plays out."
(Suddenly, the power stripe team starts beating up the Odor team as we see one member of the Power Stripe team elbows a member of the odor team in the face, then knocks her and another member of the odor team down at the same time. Another power stripe teammate slides underneath a member of the odor team and knocks her down)
Bam Margera: Medic!
"Jesus Christ!" Sean exclaimed with a shocked look on his face. "That got pretty violent."
(Cut back to one of the Power Stripe team members elbowing one of the members of the odor team in the face)
"She got knocked the fuck out." Lucas said.
(Cut back to the commercial where we see a member of the Power Stripe team pulls one of the members of the odor team's shirt over their head. We then cut to Don Vito, who is dressed as one of the members of the odor team.
Don Vito: (Yells) What are you doing?!
"Don Vito, what the hell are you doin'?" Sean asked.
(Cut back to Uncle Vito)
Don Vito: (Yells) What are you doing?!
"Seeing Don Vito in a roller derby outfit is the most hilarious thing I've ever seen in my life." Sean chuckled a bit.
"Oh, really?" Lucas smirked to Sean, "Because I thought this was."
(A picture of Don Vito's mugshot is shown.)
Sean: (Narrating) Huh, Don Vito went to jail? That's weird, I wonder what for?
(A headline that reads "Don Vito Arrested For Child Sex Assault" is shown)
"Ehhhh…" Sean said, looking down and defeated a la Brian Zane from Wrestling With Wregret.
(A clip from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is shown)
Frank Reynolds (Played by Danny DeVito): (Sings) Do not diddle kids. It's no good diddling kids.
(Cut back to the commercial)
Bam Margera: Only Right Guard Xtreme has the power stripe!
(The Power Stripe team beats up on the odor team)
Bam Margera: It drops odor like a bad habit.
Don Vito: Right Guard! (Speaks in gibberish)
We cut back to Sean and Lucas as they both look at the camera, confused at what they just hear.
"Uh, Lucas." Sean said.
"Yeah." Lucas replied.
"What the hell did Don Vito just say?" Sean asked.
"I have no clue. He always speaks in gibberish." Lucas said.
Don Vito: Right Guard! (Speaks in gibberish)
(A clip from Shameless is shown)
Mickey Milkovich (Played by Noel Fisher): Speak fuckin' english!
Don Vito: Right Guard! (Speaks gibberish)
(A member of the odor team is drinking some water until a member of the Power Stripe team tackles her before we cut to two members of the Power Stripe team carrying Bam)
Bam Margera: So you smell great all day.
(A member of the odor team skates up to the member of the Power Stripe team, until she ends up getting elbowed in the face. Bam sees this and looks at the Power Stripe member)
Bam Margera: I love you.
"Yeah, you wish that Old Spice's odor blocking power is much more powerful than Right Guard's power stripe." Sean said.
"What can we say about Right Guard Power Stripe?" Lucas smirked while shrugging, "It's so strong it keeps kid diddlers away."
Don Vito: Get extreme. Get Right Guard!
(Don Vito tries to ride on the roller derby track, but falls down on his ass.)
(TV static transitions to: Jell-O Stir 'n Snack Pudding commercial featuring Bill Cosby from 1996 and Jell-O Sugar Free Pudding commercial featuring Harley Jane Kozak from 1987)
(The commercial opens with Bill Cosby looking in the refrigerator)
Bill Cosby: Chocolate!
"Son of a bitch! Just when we thought we were safe from Bill Cosby, he's gotta pop back up again. I swear, this is a running gag every time we do those commercials specials, just like when we talk about a commercial involving Hulk Hogan.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's see what he has to shell out.
Bill Cosby: Chocolate!
(Cut to a little girl with pigtails pouring milk into a small glass bowl)
Little Girl: Milk.
Female Announcer: Introducing Jell-O Stir 'n Snack pudding.
(Bill Cosby looks in the cabinet for some chocolate)
Bill Cosby: Chocolate!
"Either he's looking for chocolate or he's craving some of Ana Foxx's chocolate booty." Lucas said.
Announcer: A whole new way to snack.
(The little girl scoops some chocolate pudding mix into the bowl of milk)
Little Girl: Scoop.
Bill Cosby: Chocolate!
(Cosby closes the cabinet and gets frustrated)
Little Girl: Don't worry, I'm making you a cup of this new stuff.
"God, let's hope this new stuff doesn't put women to sleep." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You know something, I don't think that he's looking for chocolate. He's just looking for quaaludes. Maybe "chocolate" is what he calls his drugs.
Bill Cosby: Chocolate!/Chocolate!/Chocolate!
"If the girl's can't sleep, then I can't play. Zip zop zoobity bo!" Sean said, imitating Bill Cosby.
(The little girl stirs in the chocolate mix)
Little Girl: Stir.
Bill Cosby: Snack. I need a snack.
(The little girl approaches Cosby with the bowl of pudding)
Bill Cosby: (Gasps) Jell-O pudding! My own cup of rich creaminess.
(Cosby eats some of the pudding while the little girl smiles and watches him)
Announcer: New Jell-O Stir 'n Snack. Now you can have pudding, one cup at a time.
Bill Cosby: (Sighs in relief) You got any vanilla?
Little Girl: I can do that.
(Cosby makes a face while the trombone sound plays)
"Okay, that look that he made says it all." Lucas said.
(Cut back to Cosby's look on his face)
"That's the look that he makes when he sees a woman sleeping after he drugs her." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) That's what you would expect from a guy who's been all over Jell-O like he's being all over women. And seeing him having a craving for Jell-O pudding would make people cower in fear.
Bill Cosby: (Gasps) Jell-O pudding! My own cup of rich creaminess.
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is shown)
Bruce Wayne (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): Oh, no!
(Cut back to the commercial)
Bill Cosby: (Sighs in relief) You got any vanilla?
Little Girl: I can do that.
(Cosby makes a face while the trombone sound plays)
"Yeah, that dude loves the taste of chocolate and vanilla, if you know what I mean." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) God in Heaven. I swear, if we look at another commercial featuring Cosby, I'm going to lose my shit. I mean, is there another Jell-O commercial that doesn't involve Bill Cosby?
(TV static transitions to: Jell-O Instant Pudding Sugar Free commercial featuring Harley Jane Kozak)
(The commercial opens with a beautiful blonde woman, played by Harley Jane Kozak, eating some sugar free Jell-O pudding)
Attractive Woman (Played by Harley Jane Kozak): (To the camera) I've always loved dessert. Back in high school, they said if I didn't cool it, I'd take up two spaces in the yearbook.
"Oh, thank God. I thought we were about to take a look at Bill Cosby in drag." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Nope, that's not Bill Cosby. That's actress Harley Jane Kozak, who you might recognize her as Mary Duvall on the NBC soap opera Santa Barbara, she also played in films like Parenthood, Side Out, Arachnophobia, Necessary Roughness, All I Want for Christmas and The Taking of Beverly Hills starring Ken Wahl and Matt Frewer.
Attractive Woman: That was high school. But I still haven't given up dessert, as long as it's sugar-free Jell-O pudding. It's all NutraSweet so it doesn't have a lot of calories.
"Pudding that doesn't have a lot of calories in it? Are you sure that Cosby didn't put anything in it that doesn't taste sugar-free?" Lucas asked.
Sean: (Narrating) I can see why Susan Huffner's daughter grew up to be hot like her (a picture of actress Ivyann Schwann is shown) and how did a geek like Nathan Huffner (a picture of Rick Moranis as Nathan Huffner from Parenthood is shown) get a hot-as-hell wife like Harley Jane Kozak.
"Well, I can answer that question for you, because Harley Jane Kozak eats sugar-free Jell-O pudding." Sean said. "And it has NutraSweet in it, which makes her pretty hot."
Attractive Woman: It's all NutraSweet so it doesn't have a lot of calories.
(Cut to the Jell-O Stir 'n Snack commercial, where we see Bill Cosby making a goofy face as a trombone plays in the background)
"Okay, never play those clips back to back." Lucas said with a disturbed look on his face.
"Alright, that's enough Cosby for one day. Let's move onto something more innocent and wholesome." Sean said as he picked up the remote to change the channel.
(TV static transitions to: Kentucky Fried Chicken "Sunday Dinner" commercial from 1968)
(The commercial opens with a shot of food on the table)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, here's a commercial from 1968…
"Ah, the '60s. It was a simple time. A peaceful time when nothing bad happened. Except for the Kennedy assassination, Sam Cooke shot to death, the race riots and 'Nam. And also the assassination of Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. Jesus, and I thought 2020 was a crazy year." Sean said.
Narrator: Sunday dinner. There's just something about Sunday dinner that makes it the best meal of the week. Maybe it's the steaming bowls of mashed potatoes and thick brown gravy.
"You're definitely making us hungry for some Sunday dinner." Lucas said.
"And we also know why it's the best meal of the week. Just ask Angry Grandpa." Sean said as a clip from Angry Grandpa's Sunday Dinner Freakout video is shown as we see Angry Grandpa throwing out some pot roast in the trash can.
(Cut to a shot of some delicious fried chicken that's sitting on a plate in the middle of the table)
Narrator: Maybe it's the tasty, tender chicken fried up golden brown.
"Damn, that chicken is lookin' juicy like Sheila Ortega's tits." Lucas said.
"My mouth's starting to water just lookin' at it. Damn, I have a taste for some fried chicken right now. Is it Sunday yet?" Sean asked.
(The sound of a car engine is heard as the camera zooms out to show the dinner table is sitting on top of a VW Beetle)
Narrator: Whatever it is, Sunday dinner is it. The best meal of the week. Only one little problem: ever try taking it places? Like church socials, parties or ball games?
(The Beetle drives of and we hear the sound of Sunday dinner falling off of the roof of the car)
Sean screamed in horror while Lucas looked at the camera in shock from what they just witnessed.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Lucas screamed out, his voice replaced with Darth Vader's voice from Revenge of the Sith.
"You just ruined a perfectly good Sunday dinner, you asshole!" Sean yelled out.
Lucas: (Narrating) Who in their right mind would put food on top of a car? Don't you know that a perfectly good Sunday dinner would get ruined?
Sean: (V/O as Wife) Frank, remember to bring the food in the car.
Lucas: (V/O as Husband) Don't worry, Marie. I won't forget.
(The car drives off as the food falls off the car)
Sean: (V/O as Wife) Goddamn it, Frank!
(Back to the commercial as we see a bucket with Colonel Sanders' face on it and the Colonel himself putting the chicken in the bucket)
Narrator: Announcing the portable Sunday dinner by Colonel Sanders. He cooks up Kentucky Fried Chicken in his kitchen, then packs it up in his handy bucket.
"Chicken in a bucket? Sounds like the most genius idea ever. You know, I hate frying up chicken in my own home and bringing it over to my cousin Dwight's house every time my Aunt Juanita comes to town." Sean said.
(We see that Colonel Sanders is putting wheels on the bucket. He pushes the bucket and waves)
Narrator: All you do is pick it up. Imagine, the best meal of the week travels everywhere, every day of the week. Okay, Colonel. Hit the road.
"Okay, does the bucket even come with wheels?" Lucas asked.
Lucas: (Narrating) Just be glad that the bucket of chicken didn't crash into anything.
Narrator: Imagine, the best meal of the week travels everywhere, every day of the week.
"You can take it anywhere." Sean said.
"You can take it to church." Lucas said.
"You can take it to Wrestlemania." Sean said.
"You can take it to a basketball game." Lucas said.
"You can give it to the Four-Foot Man-Eating Chicken, which is basically a kid with a fake mustache." Sean said as the kid dressed as the Four-Foot Man-Eating Chicken from The Little Rascals is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) What can we say about KFC's chicken in a bucket? Well, I think the slogan would say it for us.
(The bucket of chicken is shown with the slogan "It's Finger Lickin' Good" before cutting to four buckets of chicken while cheerful music plays in the background while a clip from Wes Craven's Shocker is shown)
Horace Pinker (Played by Mitch Pileggi): Finger-licking good. (Laughs)
(TV static transitions to: Dare PSA featuring Kirk Cameron from 1989)
(The commercial opens with Kirk Cameron)
Kirk Cameron: When someone offers you drugs, only one or two people can control the situation: the one with the drugs or you.
"Oh, for the love of… really?! This religious douchenozzle again!" Sean exclaimed.
Lucas: (Narrating) Well, it ain't a commercials special unless we talk about this religious nutjob Kirk Cameron. Who we all know him as bad boy Mike Seaver in the hit ABC sitcom Growing Pains, which ran from 1985 to 1992.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, I'm more of a Family Ties fan.
(A picture of Alex P. Keaton is shown)
"APK rules!" Sean shouted.
"Let's see what Mr. Cameron has to preach about." Lucas said.
Kirk Cameron: When someone offers you drugs, only one or two people can control the situation: the one with the drugs or you. And if you want to keep control, you can do several things to turn drugs down. Like just walking away, changing the subject, avoiding the whole situation altogether or by sticking around with a crowd that doesn't do drugs.
"Oh, so you're telling us what to do when someone offers us drugs? Dude, didn't you already tell us about drugs at the end of that one episode of Growing Pains where you and your friends are pressured to do cocaine at a college party?" Sean asked, referring to the episode simply titled "Thank God It's Friday".
"Yeah, and you did a little PSA at the end of the episode." Lucas said.
(A clip from Growing Pains is shown)
Kirk Cameron: Everybody's not doing drugs and you don't have to try them to become cool. Look, I'm not trying to tell you how to live your lives, but I am telling you that you don't have to do something that you don't want to just to keep your friends happy. I mean, if that's the way that they feel, then maybe they're not your friends. And maybe they're not as cool as they thought you were. And one last thing, I'm not being paid to say this, this is how I feel, and if you think that makes me uncool… then you're wrong.
"By the way, that was pre-religious nutjob Kirk Cameron." Sean said.
Kirk Cameron: Saying no to drugs is a matter of control, and that control belongs in your hands, not somebody else's.
"Well, thank you for preaching that to us, Mr. Saving Christmas." Lucas said.
Kirk Cameron: When someone offers you drugs, only one or two people can control the situation: the one with the drugs or you. And if you want to keep control, you can do several things to turn drugs down.
"Well, if you want to keep control, there are several things to do not to be like Kirk Cameron: like starring in the movie Listen to Me." Sean said as the poster for the Kirk Cameron/Roy Scheider movie Listen to Me is shown next to him.
"Getting Julie McCullough fired from Growing Pains all because she posed for Playboy." Lucas said as a picture of Julie McCullough as Julie Costello from Growing Pains is shown.
"Doing a shitty TV show with your wife Chelsea Noble for The WB." Sean said as a picture of Kirk Cameron and Chelsea Noble from the sitcom Kirk is shown.
"Doing the Left Behind movies." Lucas said as the Left Behind movies are shown.
"Being an all-around prick." Sean said.
"Throwing your COVID caroling protests." Lucas said.
"Hmm, what else is missing there? I feel like I'm missing something there. What is it? What is it? Ooh, I know!" Sean exclaimed.
"MAKING SAVING CHRISTMAS!" Sean and Lucas both shouted as the poster for Saving Christmas is shown in between them.
Kirk Cameron: When someone offers you drugs, only one or two people can control the situation: the one with the drugs or you.
"I'd rather snort a line of coke rather than hear Kirk Cameron preaching to us about drugs. Do I have to hear it from you? I already got the drug talk from my mom when I was little. I know what to do when somebody offers me drugs." Sean said.
Kirk Cameron: Saying "no" to drugs is a matter of control, and that control belongs in your hands, not somebody else's.
"Hey, Kirk. Here's a little message for you: SHUT UP!" Lucas shouted as he grabbed the remote to change the channel.
(TV static transitions to: Crash Team Racing "Limo Driver" PlayStation commercial from 1999)
(The commercial opens with a shot of the limousine driving on an open road.)
Punk Rocker: Is it my imagination or are we going like one mile an hour?
"Why are you asking me that?" Lucas shrugged, "Don't limos go at that kind of speed all the time?"
(The punk rocker looks out the window and sees a guy riding a bike beside the limo)
Punk Rocker: What's going on here? Oy, geezer!
(We see that the limo driver is revealed to be a guy dressed as Crash Bandicoot)
Crash Bandicoot: (In a British accent) What?
Punk Rocker: Our flight seats in minutes!
Crash Bandicoot: Well, we better hurry then, didn't we?
(Crash starts driving fast)
Crash Bandicoot: Buckle up, boys! Buckle up!
Punk Rocker: (As one of the members fall on him) Come off me, mate!
"Jesus, Crash Bandicoot is one reckless driver. I do not want to be sitting in a car with him and have him drive." Sean said.
(Crash Bandicoot rolls down the back of the limo window to see three hot sexy supermodels riding in the backseat.)
Crash Bandicoot: So, let's face the facts. I'm hot. You're hot.
(Crash rolls the back limo window down.)
Crash Bandicoot: Who wants to pet me?
"Well, damn," Lucas smirked, "Not also is he a reckless limo driver, he also brings in the babes too."
"I swear, Crash is bagging them faster than James Deen," Sean smirked as well, "And with all these lady-killing skills at play, apparently reckless driving from marsupials really turns women on. I wonder what this commercial's for anyway?"
Narrator: Crash Team Racing. Once he gets behind the wheel, things get ugly!
Sean: (Narrating) Ah yes, it seems that Crash Bandicoot himself finally got his own kart racing game in the form of Crash Team Racing. This was made as Playstation's complete answer to the Mario Kart franchise as a way to compete against the famous Italian plumber himself.
Lucas: (Narrating) The game was released in 1999 and it quickly became a fan favorite to both Crash Bandicoot fans and racing game fans alike. And just like Mario Kart, it also got sequels of its very own like Crash Nitro Kart and Crash Tag Team Racing, which by looking at it seems like a mindless Mario Kart Double Dash ripoff. The series ran a bit dormant for 13 years until Activision gave it that old reboot magic with the release of Crash Team Racing Nitro-Fueled back in 2019.
"And if you're wondering everybody," Lucas said with a brief pause before stating out loud, "PASADENA O'POSSUM IS BEST RACER AND GIRL! That's right, you heard me. I want to fucking impregnate her!"
Then all of a sudden, Sean's girlfriend Taylor shows up and started looking at Lucas with a "WTF" expression on her face.
Lucas then looked back at her and shrugged in defense, "Hey, don't look at me like that. She's hot."
"You need help." Taylor said to Lucas before walking off feeling weirded out.
Sean then looked to Lucas and smirked, "She's just jealous because we love furries."
(We then see Crash Bandicoot racing side to side against an old lady, who looks at him with a "WTF" impression on her face.)
Crash Bandicoot: You and me. Boo-yah, grandma! Boo-yah.
(The screen cuts to black with the Crash Team Racing logo displayed on the screen, while a car screeching is heard off-screen.)
"Oh, that's real nice," Sean groaned, "Having the commercial already cut to black before the race even begins. Who knows how that race could've gone?"
Lucas then gave it such thought himself, "Well, I do have one way how that could've ended."
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(We see Lucas push both two sets of Hot Wheels, one resembling a limo and a Ford Pinto. They immediately race one another before the two automatically crash into a Sonic plushie, resulting in a crash effect.)
(Cutaway gag begins.)
"That's right, in a deleted scene, a giant Sonic stands in his way and wrecks both Crash and granny, killing them both." Lucas smirked once more.
"Of course, we did forget to mention that Sonic The Hedgehog also had a Mario Kart clone of his very own called Sonic R for the Sega Saturn." Sean pointed out. He then shook his head saying, "Don't EVER play it, that game is trash."
Sean: (Narrating) You wanna know what's NOT trash? Crash Team Racing. It's worth the test drive for reckless drivers alike.
Voice: PlayStation.
(TV static transitions to: Men's Wearhouse commercials featuring George Zimmer)
(We open with a Men's Wearhouse commercial from 1984 featuring George Zimmer)
George Zimmer: When I opened the first Men's Wearhouse ten years ago, I thought price was everything. I'm George Zimmer, president of the Men's Wearhouse.
(Cut to a montage of Men's Wearhouse commercials)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, here are some memorable commercials that bring back memories, if you're in the market for good quality suits, Men's Wearhouse is the place to go to. But we're not the ones to tell you about the suits at the store, let the president of Men's Wearhouse talk about how good their suits are, as well as the quality.
George Zimmer: We sell designer clothing for less, including athletic-cut suits./A quality silk sport coat is soft to the hand. Rich in color and feels comfortable./I found that quality and service are as important as price.
Lucas: (Narrating) This magnificent bastard appears in every single one of these commercials and he is just proud of the quality of the suits. Plus, he has the famous catchphrase that he always says at the end of the commercial.
George Zimmer: I guarantee it./I guarantee it./I guarantee it./You're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.
"That is one of the best slogans of all time." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this bearded son of a bitch guarantees you that the quality of suits are amazing. Hell, he even compares his suits to other suits from different stores.
George Zimmer: This is the same wool blend suit that Macy's sells. It's the same material, the same designer, the same manufacturer. Everything's the same except the price. $265 at Macy's, $189 at the Men's Wearhouse. A $76 difference. Money that belongs in your pocket not theirs, I guarantee it.
"Wait, I can get a better suit that's the same as the one I saw at Macy's and yet the one in Men's Wearhouse cost almost $200 while the one at Macy's cost about almost $300? Now, I know where I have to go to get my suit." Sean said.
(Cut to another commercial, this time it's one from 1999 as it opens with George Zimmer sitting in his office talking about the quality of his suits before cutting to a guy on his wedding day looking at his tuxedo)
George Zimmer: Most men think that it makes more sense to rent a tuxedo than to buy one.
"Boy, that guy does not look too happy about his tux. His bride ain't gonna marry him while he's wearing that." Lucas said, referring to the guy in the tuxedo.
(Cut to three buddies at a wedding party sitting at a table and smiles for the camera. The next scene cuts to a guy wearing a tuxedo jacket, shirt, tie and jeans sitting on the curb with a woman while eating a hot dog)
George Zimmer: After all, how many times can you use a tux? The fact is: more times than you think.
"Who the hell eats a hot dog in a tux?" Sean asked.
George Zimmer: Our tuxedos are 100% wool. Fitted to you perfectly and costs a little as a few rentals.
"They have the best tuxedos for you to wear, you might even have sex with one of the bride's best friends at the wedding." Lucas said.
"Or you might get laid at prom." Sean said.
"Wait, you got laid at prom?" Lucas asked.
"No." Sean pouted. "I went with my ex-girlfriend and she was dating this guy right after I wanted to get back with her. Too bad for her, I got a girl who I have hot Brazzers-style sex with her, all the time. Yeah!"
Lucas: (Narrating) It's a shame that George Zimmer was fired from the company back in 2013, but if he was still with the company, then he would be appearing in more commercials. These are some of the greatest commercials of all time that we remember fondly. We guarantee it.
George Zimmer: You're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.
(Cut to a clip from The Pete Holmes Show)
George Zimmer (Played by Pete Holmes): I'm gonna kick your ass, Phil! Can I guarantee that?!
(TV static transitions to: Winston Cigarette commercial featuring The Flintstones from 1961)
(The commercial opens in black and white as we see Wilma mowing the yard while Fred and Barney are talking to each other. Both Fred and Barney are looking around and they see Betty beating a rug to get the dirt off)
"Hey, a Flintstones commercial in the '60s. Let me guess, is it a Folgers commercial or an old Fruity Pebbles commercial?" Sean asked.
Fred Flintstone (Voiced by Alan Reed): They sure work hard, don't they, Barney?
Barney Rubble (Voiced by Mel Blanc): Yeah. I hate to see them work so hard.
Fred Flintstone: Yeah, me too.
"Then, why don't you get off of your lazy asses and help your wives out?" Lucas asked.
Fred Flintstone: Um, let's go around back where we can't see 'em.
(Fred and Barney walk to the backyard and we cut to the both of them sitting on the ground)
Barney Rubble: Gee, we oughta do something, Fred.
Fred Flintstone: Okay. How's about taking a nap?
Barney Rubble: Hey, I got a better idea.
"Does it involve you two helping out your wives? I mean come on. I know it's the Stone Age, at least help your wives out." Sean said.
Barney Rubble: (Pulls out a pack of Winston Cigarettes) Let's take a Winston break.
Fred Flintstone: That's it! Winston is the one-filter cigarette that delivers flavor 20 times a pack.
"Oh, hey look. Fred and Barney are smoking cigarettes. Hey, wait a minute. WHAT THE HELL?!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, before the Flintstones pandered to children with Flintstones Vitamins, Fruity Pebbles, Cocoa Pebbles and especially Flintstones Fruit Chews (a picture of The Flintstones Fruit Chews candy is shown), they pandered to adults with cigarettes and Busch Beer. But we'll talk about that one in a future commercials special for next year. Right here, you have them smoking Winston Cigarettes.
Fred Flintstone: Winston's got that filter blend.
Barney Rubble: Yeah, Fred.
(Fred and Barney watch as Wilma mows past them)
Barney Rubble: Filter blend makes the big taste difference and only Winston has it, up front where it counts. Here, the head of the pure-white filter. Winston packs rich tobacco specially selected….
(Wilma and Betty are just standing there watching Fred and Barney smoking. Wilma looks at Betty, then turns her attention to Fred and Barney.
"Don't you just love how Wilma and Betty are just watching their husbands sitting on the ground while smoking Winston cigarettes?" Lucas asked, smirking a bit.
Lucas: (Narrating) They're just looking at them like (Imitating Wilma) Look at them, Betty. Look at our husbands talking about how much they enjoy smoking Winston cigarettes.
Barney Rubble: …and specially processed for good flavor and filter smoke.
Fred Flintstone: Yeah, Barney. Winston taste good like a…
(A mop and a laundry bucket are thrown at Fred and Barney as the zooms out to show Wilma and Betty glaring at them)
Fred Flintstone: …cigarette should.
(Fred and Barney smile at their wives)
"I can tell you right now that Fred and Barney aren't getting any action from their wives any time soon." Sean said as he chuckled a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) It's funny to see that a show that we watched as kids have been sponsored by a cigarette company during the show's second season when the show was meant for adults. Man, Fred and Barney smoking cigarettes. What's next, Yogi Bear drinking Honey Brown lager, Shelly from Jabberjaw, Debbie from Speed Buggy and Penelope Pitstop posing for Victoria's Secret? Hell, I saw Fred and Daphne promoting Trojan condoms!
"I'm pretty sure it was the Magnum kind." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) And here's something that would definitely kill your childhood. Alan Reed, Mel Blanc, Jean Vander Pyl and Bea Benaderet were smokers and look what happened to them. They all died from lung complications due to smoking. Well, there you go. That one single fact ruined your childhood.
Sean: (Narrating) Luckily, Winston pulled their involvement with the series after Pebbles was born in 1963. What can we say about America's best-selling, best-tasting filter cigarette? Well, let Fred Flinstone take it over from here.
(Cut to another commercial, where we see Fred and Wilma smoking)
Fred Flintstone: (Sings) Winston tastes good like a (flicks lighter twice) cigarette should.
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Warning: may ruin your childhood.
"And that was another commercials special done for this year. Next year, there will be more nostalgic commercials to look at and for us to react." Sean said before turning his attention to Lucas. "Anything else you would like to add?"
Lucas shrugged, "I don't know, I was either thinking of either breasts or beers. Either way, I'm so psyched for this Christmas season to start!"
"Well, you're definitely got that holiday spirit, I can tell." Sean nodded to Lucas before saying to the camera, "So with yet another Commercials special coming back into the stocking, this is UltimateWarriorFan4Ever, I'm Sean The Mayhem Critic and I think you all know what time it is."
Just to end the Commercials special, Sean then brought out his Santa hat on with a smile.
But unfortunately he starts to feel a little comfortable with the hat himself, which forces Sean to pull the Santa hat off and look inside the hat with one single smell, therefore shouting angrily, "WHO THE FUCK PISSED ON MY SANTA HAT?!"
Mayhem Critic Tagline- You're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it.
Boy was this one heck of a long wait, huh? Well, at least it's all worth it for you fans. We hope you all waited for this one patiently. Anyway, now that we've got another Commercials special left in the bag, we're gonna go for the annual Mayhem Critic Christmas Special this month! I hope the rest of you are excited as I am. With that being said, here are the movies that I'll be reviewing just for this month:
A Christmas Story 2
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas
The Santa Clause
Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas
Yes, you heard me right, that last one will be special because me and Lucas are gonna co-review it. And trust me, we've definitely been dreading this way for quite some time. At least it'll be quick and painless as it is. If you want any suggestions for a TV show or movie for me to review in a future Mayhem Critic episode, let me know either by PMs or reviews. And keep those suggestions coming, I will get to them. Until next time, later!