SMK Chapter 5: Back at their apartment – Day 1: 4:00 p.m.

"Billy wanted us to come back to the office, but I could tell you were near the end of your rope.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time getting my strength back." Amanda leaned against the door jamb as he unlocked the door to their apartment. "I feel awful about it..." He turned, looked her in the eye, and set his hand low on her back to usher her inside; her voice went to a whisper. "...like I'm letting you down."

He closed and locked the door behind them then turned toward her again and tenderly took her face between his hands. "You don't think I feel that way, do you?"

"It's frustrating that I can't do all the things with you I used to do." She shrugged her shoulders. "I thought I'd be fully recovered by now, but this fatigue just refuses to let go. I mean, some days are okay, but other days just...aren't."

Lee paused, then motioned his head toward their bedroom. "Come on." He took her by the hand and walked with her through the apartment. Sitting on the edge of their bed with her, he turned and looked at her for a moment. "Mrs. Stetson, you don't really think my love for you is dependent on you being able to go out and catch the bad guys with me, do you?"

Amanda knew she'd been struggling a bit with self-confidence. She wasn't sure why; it wasn't like he'd done anything to make her feel that way…well, unless you counted the weeks he'd basically disappeared because he was trying to catch that Brody guy once and for all. Or the six pages of annoying quirks he wrote down. And, okay. Yes, the Alyssa Danton thing was huge. But he had chosen her over Alyssa.

Okay, so he'd done a few things. It probably all played a part in how she was feeling. "It's just hard being on the side-lines, and it doesn't help knowing Francine has been stepping into my place." She looked down at their clasped hands. "Lee, can I ask you something?"

"Of course." He brought her hand up to his lips for a gentle kiss.

"You told Francine this morning that you've been in love with me longer than I realized."

"Yeah?"

"What did you mean by that?"

He patted her hand. "Needing to hear this right now, are you?" Amanda shrugged her shoulder, and he smiled. "Alright." Lee took a deep breath and held it for a second before letting it slowly out. "Well, it probably started long before I could ever give it a name." He stood and reached for the covers on the bed. "Here, let me tuck you in. You need to rest before we go back to the office."

When he had turned down the covers, she swung her legs up on the bed and reclined back into the slightly propped-up pillows resting against the headboard. Gently, he pulled the blankets up, then climbed over her to settle on his side of the bed. Bracing on his elbow, he lay on his side to face her and stroked her hair back from her forehead.

"One thing you need to understand, Amanda, is that I didn't really know what love was. So, I think when I first started falling in love with you, I didn't recognize what was happening." He paused and looked up at the ceiling.

"From the very beginning I was drawn to you, you know that." Amanda smiled. He'd told her that before, but it was difficult to believe. "At the train station when I was running for my life and trying to keep that package safe...I ran past a lot of people, Amanda. But then I saw this really cute woman walking alone..."

"Cute?"

"Yes, cute." He smiled and gently tapped the end of her nose with his finger.

"Come on, Lee..."

"Hey, I'm being totally serious here." Lee's eyes sparkled at her.

"Not to change the subject, but have I ever told you how much I love your eyes?"

"Well, the feeling is…" he leaned in to give her a peck on the lips. "…mutual." He smiled again and leaned back onto his hand. "Well, then, when I tracked you to that pirate fast food place, I ran smack straight into this feisty, super cute, suburban-type mom who – I happened to notice – wasn't wearing a wedding ring."

"Lee..."

"Hey, you asked," he reminded her. "Do you want to know or not?"

She sighed. "Yes, I want to know. Go on."

"Then I had you meet me at that ridiculous costume party."

"Oh my gosh!" Amanda closed her eyes at the memory.

Lee chuckled and shook his head. "There you were, the only really normal person there, and when we danced, I knew in my gut – right there at the very beginning – that you were different. That what I saw was what I got...unlike any of the other women there, all of whom had hidden agendas." He stroked a finger down her face.

Amanda snickered. "Yeah, well it wasn't ten minutes later that I started driving you crazy."

"Yes, there's truth to that." He smiled and winked. "...still is..."

"Hey..."

"You know, I resented Billy throwing us together."

"No…," Amanda replied sarcastically.

"Well, I was a lone wolf, Amanda, you know that. I didn't want to need anyone, and I didn't want anyone needing me. It seemed easier to just depend on myself." Lee's hand moved down to her delicate collar bone, slowly stroking his finger back and forth between her neck and her shoulder. "But there you were, completely out of tune with all the women I'd known before. I found myself having diametrically opposing thoughts. On one hand, you annoyed the heck out of me. On the other hand, I was drawn to you and could hardly stay away."

"Ummm, thanks? I think?"

"Ah, Manda. The problem was never you, it was me."

"Okay, so when did that start to change?"

"I think it was when you were kidnapped."

"Oh, you mean the first time?" she teased him. "When they thought I was you?"

Lee shook his head. "I couldn't just sit on my hands and let the Agency treat you like collateral damage. You had two boys depending on you, and I didn't want to be responsible for them losing you. I think that might be when I began to realize that I cared. I didn't over-think it, I just acted on it."

Amanda yawned. She felt so tired she was having a difficult time keeping her eyes open. "I should let you go to sleep." He started to get up, but she laid her hand on his arm.

"No, please, go on. I really want to hear this from your perspective."

Lee sighed. "Okay, if you insist."

"I insist."

"Then your wish is my command," he grinned at her and moved his finger down to the skin exposed at the neckline of her shirt. His eyes followed, and he abruptly stopped and reached for her hand. "I better stop that, or I won't finish my story...and you won't get a nap either." He winked.

Amanda turned on her side so they were face-to-face and gave him a quick peck on the lips. "And I really do want you to finish your story." She tucked her hand under her head and snuggled into the pillows.

"Well, by the end of that first year you were very special to me, but I never thought of us as a match. We were too different. Our life experiences were so totally opposite each other's, and on top of that, I wasn't looking for any kind of committed relationship."

"Yeah, I know. You weren't always very nice, either."

"I'm sorry, Amanda. I know I was a real jerk sometimes, especially at first. It didn't take long for that to just be an act, though."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really," he replied. "I even got upset when other men noticed you."

Amanda quirked her eyebrow. "You did?"

"Yeah. I think it started with that Quickie Chickie Snack Shack guy."

"James Delano? Really?"

"Yes. I know I never told you this, but that first night when I called you to meet me for the party..." Lee paused.

"Yeah?"

"You looked so incredibly sexy in that black dress you wore." His low voice rumbled as he leaned toward her until his lips were hovering just over hers.

"Really? I thought you didn't even notice me. You hardly looked at me."

"I couldn't look at you," Lee whispered, then touched his lips to hers for a quick kiss. "I was afraid you'd notice that I'd noticed." He kissed her again. "And remember that police officer in Germany? The one who asked you out to dinner?"

"That bothered you?"

"You didn't notice?" She shook her head. "I was extraordinarily pleased at the way you turned him down flat." Lee chuckled. "But even worse was when you noticed other men."

"Well, I'll tell you a secret," Amanda ran a single fingertip down his shirt against his sternum. "I only noticed other men when the one man I was interested in seemed too far out of my reach."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah." Amanda grinned. "So, when did you start to think you might want me as more than a friend?"

"Hmmm." His eyes skimmed over her face as he thought about it. "It happened so gradually, I'm not sure I can pinpoint it." His hand found hers and brought it up against his chest. "Remember our second kiss?"

"You mean that fake kiss at our fake wedding?"

"Fake wedding or not, it was a real kiss."

"How could I forget?"

"Turned my brain to mush."

Amanda teasingly slapped his chest. "Aw, come on..."

"No, I'm serious. It did!" Lee insisted. "It was like an electrical short circuit in my brain. I think my heart skipped some beats."

"I know mine did." Amanda could feel her eyes growing heavy again. "So, when did you finally figure it out?"

"Well, I think it may have started to dawn on me when you and Francine went undercover as maids."

"Oh, that was a fun one."

"You saved my life...and everyone else's, too. It was like watching a whole new side of you blossom, and I think I was irrevocably hooked, right then."

"Wow. I had no idea." Amanda thought back to that moment in the meat butchery when she saw Billy and Lee hanging by meat hooks. Mr. Columbus, a ruthless mobster, was going to slice them up like a side of beef. She hadn't even really thought about the danger she was putting herself in by distracting the gangster; she just knew she had to help Lee. "Yeah, I think I did see some kind of a change in you after that." Amanda yawned.

Lee stopped for a moment and gazed into her sleepy eyes. "But I think I actually know the moment I knew I was falling in love with you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It was when I was pretending to be burned out, and you were trying to help me...and I smacked you..." Lee closed his eyes and shook his head.

Amanda knew that to this day he was still deeply disturbed by that. She reached out and gently touched his face.

"...and in that moment, I realized I'd slapped not just a co-worker or a friend, but the woman I was falling hard for." He grimaced. "I can't begin to tell you what that did to me."

"But you still kept going out with other women."

"Yes. A vain attempt to get you out of my system," Lee admitted. "It never worked though. And I was never upset when those relationships broke off."

"Is that why you were going through relationships so fast?"

Lee nodded. "Yes. You were already the only one for me, Amanda. A large part of me knew it, and frankly, it was scary." He drew a finger lightly down her chin.

"By the time we were working that Trans-Atlantic Fishing case, there was no denying it anymore."

"But you were dating...what was her name...Leslie."

"For a week...a little less. One last feeble attempt at convincing myself I wasn't in love with you so much as I was enamored with your authenticity." Lee chuckled. "Leslie was authentic, too."

"I remember." Amanda responded. "I even told you she wasn't your type because she was a normal person."

"Even then you were all I could think about. When I heard you were at the location where the bomb went off, I drove like a mad man trying to get there as fast as I could to make sure you were okay." He sighed. "You'll never know the relief I felt when I spotted you up on that hill. All I wanted to do was run to you, take you in my arms, and never let you go. I did two out of the three." He smiled at her and then chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"Well, that attempt at trying to convince myself I wasn't in love with you?"

"Yeah?"

"It failed miserably." He shook his head in a rather self-depreciating way. "I don't think I ever told you this, but that night when you and I got to my apartment and Leslie was there?"

Amanda groaned. "Yeah, I remember."

"Well, after you left, I was pouring a bottle of wine when I heard her behind me. I called her Amanda."

"You did not..."

"Yes, really. I did." He chuckled again. "That was our last date, and even it got cut short when Russel O'Keefe called to set up a meet. After that I just decided to quit lying to myself. I wanted to be with you, and I was pretty sure you'd be open to the idea."

"So why didn't you say anything then?"

"Admittedly, I wasn't quite ready for that. But there were no other women after that, Amanda. There was no one for me but you. Things really began to change quickly after that," he continued. "We started going to dinner occasionally, doing things together outside of work. Then once Joe came home, I knew I was going to have to take the leap, or I was going to lose you."

"Yes, there was definitely a big change in our relationship after that." Amanda smiled dreamily. "Aw, Lee, hearing your version of this story has been really sweet." She learned toward him to give him a gentle, slightly lingering kiss.

"Okay, Mrs. Stetson, enough of that." Lee got up from the bed. "You get some sleep."

"What time is it anyway," she yawned and closed her eyes.

Lee looked at his watch; they'd been talking much longer than he realized. "Five." He could tell she was already drifting off.

"Wake me up in a half an hour, and we can go back to the office."

Lee leaned down and kissed her forehead. "You sleep as long as you need. I'll call Billy and tell him we'll see him tomorrow." But she was already gone.

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