Oh, taking your advice, I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
Maybe it wasn't about the smile. It didn't come easy, but after years of sharing an operating room together, Jackson came to realize that April's eyes could say just as much as her mouth. What he starting calling her "don't count me out" smile was so much more than that. It was her eyes saying, "me and you."
Jackson had been staring into Harriet's room from his car, thinking about all the conversations he was about to have. His entire life was about to change, and the only two things he had complete confidence in were that he needed to take over the foundation and that he would never step away from his family to make that happen. All other details about this change were to be determined, and he wasn't prepared to act like he knew any of the steps in between. The idea of his friends asking him questions made Jackson tense.
It's not like he was worried that these questions would come from doubt or would be meant to deter him. The one person that truly challenged him and could get him to second guess himself had already agreed to move to Boston with him. It was more the fact that he knew his next chapter was going to rely greatly on diving deep into uncharted waters and rolling with the punches. Navigating through millions of struggles and sorting them into numerous possibilities was going to take over a large part of his life. Where he's going to live or whether or not he's going to hire a moving service felt so trivial compared to thinking of how he can create a voice for under-served communities. All under-served communities.
Moving closer to equality has always been important to Jackson. He didn't know that it was possible to be more passionate about his contributions to bridging the gap, but becoming a father fueled his fire. He would have random moments where his chest would get tight because of the single thought, "That could have been Harriet." He worries about Harriet having to learn about the cruel side of society. Of course he wishes that he can teach her how to live without fear, to handle any situation gracefully, and to stand up for herself. Sadly, he also knows that in such a broken world, grace wouldn't be enough. It would be a long time coming for that to even be a possibility.
He meant to be gone by now, but he watched as April spoke with their daughter and gave her kisses. Watching April squeeze her eyes so tightly as she kissed Harriet's forehead mesmerized him. He believed to his core that even if they were in a different situation, if the odds were stacked against them and his family was struggling, there was nothing April wouldn't do to protect their daughter. There's nothing April wouldn't do to protect him. And if the roles were reversed, Jackson would do everything in his power to keep Harriet and April safe.
If he was being honest, April had always been more of a fighter than him. She's a soldier. Jackson is passionate, determined, and often a little too stubborn, but his resolve barely compares to April's. For anything she truly believes in, she's prepared to go down kicking and screaming. Even if she's to lose, she makes sure that the other party can't say they won easily. And as someone that has both lost and won against April Kepner, he could still admit that her ferocity is something to appreciate.
He needed to feel that fire right now. Jackson needed to know that even if he struggled to find his way, even if he has doors slammed in his face six months from now, even if he spends the next three years sprinting and not getting anywhere, that his best friend will kick his butt when he needs her to. He doesn't doubt himself or his willingness to put in the hard work, but like many before him, he worries about losing his heart to business. If his flame ever starts to flicker, knowing April would shield it from the wind or reignite it with her own was the best reassurance Jackson could ever ask for. Sometimes, all Jackson really needed was to be near April as she fought a battle that had nothing to do with him. Being around her spirit was a constant reminder to keep pushing forward.
Taking a deep breath, April forced a big smile towards Jackson. It was big enough that he couldn't mistake it for anything else, even from inside his car. And there it was. Her "me and you" eyes. The "don't count me out" smile. It was like the air April exhaled with that smile went straight into Jackson's lungs. His chest rose as hers fell and he was zapped back to reality.
Jackson was able to release some of his tension and loosened his grip on the steering wheel. He deeply inhaled and exhaled twice more to steady himself. Simultaneously, they both raised a hand to wave a gentle goodbye. Jackson broke their gaze to start his car, and April's brave face transformed into a genuine smirk as he pulled out of her driveway. There has always been something crazy in the way they could be so different, yet perfectly in sync
Switching the gears from reverse to drive, Jackson glanced over his shoulder and into Harriet's room one last time. April wasn't looking out towards him anymore, but Jackson could still see her walking around their daughter's room. He lifted his foot from the brake and started to accelerate.
Things felt a little easier, lighter, knowing that April supports him. She may have been hesitant at first, but this was something he's used to. When they had grown closer as friends, after April felt comfortable with Jackson, she developed a habit of verbally processing her thoughts with him. Words would fly out of her mouth as quicky as they popped into her mind and Jackson would listen, sometimes argue, but for the most part they would talk it out. It was exhausting at times, and there were plenty of times it caused both of them pain, but no one knows April the way Jackson does and vice versa.
One of the first secrets that Jackson and April shared was before Mercy West merged with Seattle Grace. Rumors were starting to circulate and panic was spreading as the hospital staff caught on that Mercy West was struggling to keep their doors open. Jackson was so tired of all the whispers and hearing people's opinions on who or what should be cut that he had gone outside to eat his lunch alone. He started towards the side of the hospital where there was a long row of benches lining the alley. The alley benches usually felt too far away in case he got paged back to OR, but he needed some distance that day.
The majority of seats were vacant, probably because it was an overcast day in Seattle, but he kept walking past each one. Suddenly he realized he was all the way at the end of the alley and hadn't even brought his lunch with him. He sighed heavily and took a few more steps towards the hospital, leaning against the wall and out of plain sight
Jackson dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He opened his recent calls which showed two missed calls from his mom. He clicked on her name to dial her back, his lips pressed tightly together, not entirely sure what he was going to say. He took pride in doing things on his own merits. He loathed the feeling he got whenever someone recognized his name, his grandfather or his mom, because from that point forward, he couldn't be sure if they trusted him or his legacy.
The phone rang three times before going to voicemail. Still not knowing what he wanted to say, Jackson simply uttered "Hey, Mom. I was just giving you a call back. Love you," and hung up.
He kept his back pressed against the wall for a few more minutes. If his mom called back soon, it would be easier to chat outside where it's quiet. Honestly, it was so slow inside the hospital that it wouldn't be impossible to take her call after his lunch break either. But this is what Jackson determined to be his sign on how to proceed. If Catherine returns his call before he's inside the building, he might ask her for some guidance on leaving Mercy West. If Catherine doesn't call him back in time, he'll take his chances with Mercy West closing and residents being reassigned or released.
Jackson pushed himself away from the wall and stepped back into the alley. He started a mental countdown in his head, barely noticing anything else around him. He probably could've made it all the way back to the hospital in this daze if it hadn't started raining. Feeling drops hit his head, Jackson looked up at the sky and picked up his speed. He was instantly halted, crashing into another body.
A high-pitched yelp rang out as the remnants of a chopped salad went flying across the alley. Also trying to avoid the negative cafeteria energy, April was drowning out the world with her headphones playing relaxing melodies. She was on a bench halfway down the building, pushing her food around with a fork as the rain started to trickle down. Quickly trying to shield her lunch from the rain, April fumbled with her container's lid and stood at the same time. Barely standing straight yet, Jackson slammed into her side and knocked her off her feet.
"Shit!" he yelled once he saw April sitting on the floor. He quickly planted his feet directly in front her and grabbed her by the arms to stand her up. He both knocked her down and stood her up so easily that April barely moved a muscle on her own in all this commotion. "Are you okay?" Jackson asked frantically as he continued to hold her up.
The rain was rapidly pouring harder. They were soaked by now, April's lunch was all over the ground, and she could already tell that she was going to have a giant bruise on her butt. April gripped her hands around Jackson's forearms and started laughing hysterically.
Jackson was so horrified that he couldn't laugh with her. The fact that she was laughing actually worried him more, like maybe she hit her head on the way down. He bent his knees to lower himself to her eye-level. He gave her arms a squeeze and said, "Dude, seriously. Are you okay?"
April realized that Jackson was sincerely concerned and contained her laughter. "I'm fine," she answered happily. April released her grip on Jackson's arms, but he continued to hold hers. He was really shaken up, so she repeated firmly, "I'm fine."
Jackson loosened his grip on April's arms, but he didn't stop holding her. He needed an extra second to look her over before trusting she wouldn't tip over if he let go. Reluctantly, he finally released her and stood up straight. "I'm so sorry," he offered.
Now that he was back to his regular height, April had to look upwards to speak directly to him. She squinted her eyes to avoid being blinded by the giant raindrops. "It's not like you did it on purpose," she replied. April held her hand against her forehead like a little awning for her eyes and added, "We should get inside."
As April turned and started down the alley, Jackson noticed a red spot spreading on her sweater. It didn't hit him right away, but the color was becoming more vibrant even though the rain should've been diluting it. Jackson called out, "April! Your arm!"
April looked down at her arm, but didn't notice anything. She looked back at Jackson with a confused look on her face and he pointed at what he could see. She held her arm out to her side and rotated it slightly, trying to see her elbow. It wasn't easy for her to see the back of her own arm, but the blood spot was within view. "Crap," she grumbled.
Placing his hand on her back, Jackson guided her to continue walking towards the hospital doors. The downpour was starting to let up, but Jackson still wanted to get April back inside as quickly as possible. He felt horrible for knocking her down in general, but if he gave her a concussion or broke her arm, he would really beat himself up. He wanted to examine her as soon as humanly possible.
The rain had died down to only a light drizzle as the two turned out of the alleyway. "Of course it lets up once we're almost inside," April muttered under her breath, slowing her pace slightly.
But Jackson pressed her to move faster, returning his hand to her back as a little encouragement. He couldn't deny that their timing was bad, but the rain was something he was used to after growing up in Boston. His focus was on making sure April was okay, and that was all.
She continued at the speed Jackson was setting, but April couldn't drop the subject. It wasn't even the rain, but her mind had just caught up with everything that happened after her last bite of salad. She started rambling, "The last time it came down that heavy, I was in a parking lot loading groceries into my car. Was it raining before I went into the store? No. Was it raining while I was in the store? No. It couldn't have just been rain either, it had to be a freaking Seattle downpour."
Slightly eased by how angry the rain made April, Jackson joked, "And it couldn't have been during one of those quick trips to the store. It had to be when you had a cartful."
"Exactly!" April enthusiastically agreed. She started to say more, but felt a weird vibration on her backside that startled her. "W- U-Uh, what is that?" she asked as she did a spin to pull away from Jackson.
They had just stopped short of the hospital doors. Jackson had no idea what April was talking about and he was so close to getting her back inside. He was worried all over again that she might have hit her head. The blood on her sweater hadn't left his mind either. His arm was still held out to his side where she stood a second earlier and he left if there as he repositioned himself beside April, almost like he was scooping her up. She resisted slightly, but Jackson guided her all the way inside.
Again, April felt the same strange vibration, but stronger. "Wait!" she exclaimed. She spun around again, but this time she held out her hand in front of her to stop Jackson from moving forward.
The way April pushed away from Jackson left the bottom of his jacket swaying. The rain was weighing down their clothes, but there was something else adding to the weight on that side. With Jackson's arm extended around April and his jacket left open as they walked, she must have been feeling whatever it was in his pocket against her.
Jackson finally dropped his arm since April was so adamant they should stop. And then he felt it. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone that was on vibrate. It was his mom returning his call. Technically, she had dialed him back before he got into the building, but he didn't realize it until he was inside. He swiped across the screen to answer the phone but ended up smearing a drop of water across the surface. Not able to read his touch, his phone lit up with the message, "1 missed call".
"It was just my mom," Jackson stated solemnly. He stared at his phone for another second, considering calling her back. He knew that if he called back right now, she would answer. He still didn't know what he wanted to say though. He pushed his phone back into his pocket and cleared his throat. Looking back up at April, he stated, "We need to go check out your arm."
Nodding, April turned back around and resumed walking. "Do you need to call her back? I can have someone else help me," she offered.
Jackson opened the door to an empty exam room and gestured for April to go inside. He followed after her and assured, "It's fine." He looked over April as she gingerly took her sweater off. He got a glimpse of the scrape across her arm and quickly reached for gloves. He blurted out, "You're not fine."
Taking off her sweater was more painful than April expected. Her body was starting to feel sore in general, but the sleeve with blood remnants was sticking to her skin. She was so glad it was a Mercy West sweater jacket that zipped from the front and not one of the sweatshirts she would have had to pull over her head. It hurt most when she raised her arm upwards, like that movement was ripping her skin. "How bad is it?" she asked.
With the gloves now on his hands, Jackson gestured for April to have a seat on the bed. He went straight up and started to examine her arm. "What in the world…" he muttered to himself quietly.
"Jackson!" April pleaded, starting to get worried. The pain wasn't horrible, but it was there. And well aware of how adrenaline works, she couldn't rely on what she felt in that moment to assess the damage. She tried to look at the back of her arm again, but it just had to be in a spot that she couldn't see. The amazed look on Jackson's face wasn't helping either.
When Jackson looked away from April's arm, he looked up to see a very distraught April. Even though he was worried about her and annoyed with himself the entire walk back, throwing on those gloves had switched him back into doctor mode. He simply told her, "It's not that bad. Calm down."
April instantly glared at Jackson. "You know what doesn't help someone calm down?" she asked.
"Telling them to calm down," they both answered in unison.
Still, Jackson's reassurance did help a little. If the adrenaline had worn off and this was the worst the pain would be, then Jackson was right. It wasn't that bad.
Jackson backed away from April to grab supplies. He started to elaborate as he dug through drawers, "It's a pretty large abrasion. There's a decent amount of debris in it too, so irrigation is going to take a minute."
April closed her eyes as she exhaled deeply. "Well…" she started, but paused to find the silver lining. "At least we won't be missed out there. The hospital is like a ghost town today."
"Yeah," Jackson agreed softly as he rolled a loaded tray over to where April sat. He didn't really care to say more on the subject, but April wasn't wrong. Jackson tried to think of any way to change the subject off of the hospital as he started to clean her arm. "That salad looked good," he offered before regretting it.
With an uncomfortable chuckle, April replied, "Yeah. Hopefully the birds and squirrels enjoy it. Did you have lunch out there too?"
"I'm so sorry, April," Jackson emphasized. He stopped working on her arm to catch her eyes, and luckily she was smiling at him. This whole time, he felt bad for what had happened, but she wasn't upset with him in the least. She had actually been trying to relax him and he could see that now. "Uh, and no," Jackson added, remembering she had asked him about lunch. He resumed working on her arm and explained, "I was calling my mom."
April's smile dropped and her eyes widened. "Call her back, Jackson!" April exclaimed. "I told you someone else could help me! My arm can wait!"
Jackson ignored April and continued flushing her wound. He could tell there was some debris unwilling to budge and stated, "It looks like there's pieces of wood embedded in your skin…."
"Wood?" April questioned. Confused by how that was possible, she started to replay events. "When you knocked me down, I landed on my butt. I guess the palms of my hands too, but I was on the pavement. And I had full-length sleeves covering my arms!"
Picking up tweezers, Jackson pulled out one of the pieces he was referring to. He held it up to the light and examined it more closely. "The shrubs behind the benches," he muttered out loud.
With a puzzled look on her face, April still wasn't sure how this could have happened. Using her uninjured arm, she reached over and grabbed her sweater. She tossed it around a little bit before finding the bloody sleeve. April placed her hand inside of the sleeve, feeling around to see if there was any other evidence left behind. She couldn't feel anything foreign inside, but as she slid her hand downward one of her fingers poked through the material to the other side.
April left her finger in the hole and started to hold it up so Jackson could see what she had found. As the sweater was raised enough to leave the bed, something fell to the ground. April looked down as Jackson rose to his feet and made his way around the bed to go see what had fallen. A small stick, no longer than six inches long, laid on the floor.
Jackson and April looked at each other in bewilderment. Nothing about this incident was logical. The scrape on the back of April's arm was large and had noticeable splinters scattered about. A twig had punctured April's sweater without either of them noticing. And April was even more sure that her butt took most of the impact as her soreness grew.
"It makes no sense!" April finally blurted out.
Jackson picked up the branch from the shrub before walking back to the other side of the table. He sat back down on his stool and held it up to her arm. He tilted his head slightly in one direction, then the other. Still not sure what happened, he tossed the stick aside and said, "I don't know…" He took a deep breath before going back to cleaning the wound. Jackson added matter-of-factly, "I did really launch you though."
A little giggle escaped April before she agreed, "Yeah." This entire ordeal was so bizarre that it was hard for her to take anything seriously. "Were you trying to take out your mom frustration on me?" April asked jokingly. When he didn't reply, April looked over her shoulder and could tell that he didn't find her joke amusing. His face had hardened and his eyes were laser focused on his work, a classic Avery brush off.
Still staring at the back of her arm, Jackson stated dryly, "Your arm is clean. We're almost done here."
April turned her head around and faced forward. It was obvious that Jackson didn't want to talk about it, but she had to clear the air. "I was just kidding, Jackson," she explained. "I just—"
"I know," Jackson said sternly, cutting her off.
April hunched down slightly. She already decided she wasn't going to push, she just wanted to make sure he knew she didn't mean anything else by her comment. And this wasn't the first time he seemed to shut down any side conversation today. April pressed her lips together and continued to look straight forward as he started to bandage her arm.
They remained quiet as Jackson finished covering her wound. He almost didn't want to tell her when he was done because he didn't want to be the first to break the awkward silence that he created. He sheepishly asked, "Uh, do you want to keep the stick?"
Looking over her shoulder, April noticed that Jackson was taking off his gloves, so he must have been done. She only broke a small smile, still on edge about saying the wrong thing. "Why would I want to keep the stick?" she asked lightheartedly as she hopped off the bed.
Jackson stood up and shrugged. "A reminder not to get in my way?" he offered with a grin. He picked up the stick and held it out it to her before adding, "Something to hit me with when I'm being stupid?"
April accepted the stick and asked, "Do I have to use it now? Or can I save it for a rainy day?"
With a chuckle, Jackson replied, "Today was plenty rainy!"
"Can I use it more than once?" April excitedly questioned.
"What did I set myself up for?" Jackson asked with a huge grin on his face.
At that very second, Jackson's phone started buzzing from his pocket. He fished it out and saw it was Catherine again.
April grabbed her ruined sweater and started towards the door. "I'll let you get that," she said while walking.
Before she could open the door, Jackson placed his hand on the handle to stop her. Suddenly close enough to share each other's air, Jackson whispered, "We should really check that you don't have a concussion…."
April took a step backwards and tilted her head at Jackson. "You know I don't have a concussion," she stated firmly. "If anything, I might have whiplash, but I don't have that either."
Nodding his head slowly, Jackson let go of the door and slid his phone back into his pocket. He took a few steps back into the room and sighed. "I feel like I have whiplash," Jackson admitted drearily as he took a seat on the bed.
"Oh," April replied in shock. She scurried over to Jackson and tossed the sweater aside. "Is it your neck? Are you dizzy? What are your symptoms?" April spat out with concern. He had done so much to take care of her, but she realized that she had never asked him if he was alright. She stood directly in front of him and looked intently into his eyes, purely as a doctor.
Even though he wasn't in the best mood, Jackson smirked at the way April snapped into action, especially considering that she was his patient just minutes earlier. "No, April," he said while gesturing with his hand for her to stop. "Figuratively… Like Mercy West keeps brake checking me. But if I switch to the left lane, I'm following my mom's car. If I go right, it's stop and go because of all the drivers that don't know how to freaking merge!"
April was blown away by Jackson's analogy for multiple reasons. She wasn't entirely sure she followed what he meant, but she was also shocked that he was sharing so much after repeatedly cutting her off not too long ago. She also loved that in this moment, the way he rambled made her think that she was rubbing off on him. April sat down next to Jackson on the bed. She really didn't know what to say, so she admitted exactly that. "I don't know what to say."
"Me neither," Jackson replied instantly. He took a deep breath and felt strangely at ease. Maybe it was easier to admit that he didn't know what to say only after April said it first, but it helped Jackson let down his guard. He continued, "I think that's actually part of the problem. I want to talk to my mom about all the crap that's happening here, but I just want to talk. I don't want her to fix the problem for me or tell me what to do. I don't want to have to worry about saying the wrong thing to her. Sometimes I just want a mom that listens."
"I'll listen," April proposed. "It's not exactly my style…. And I'm not your mom, per se, but I plan on being a mom someday. It kind of works, right?"
Jackson turned his head to face April. There was that smile and those eyes. This was before he knew how much this combo would mean to him, but even then, he still knew it was something special.
Shyly, Jackson questioned, "Would you think less of me if you knew my mom had pulled strings to get me this spot?"
April looked away from Jackson and her smile dropped. She tilted her head slightly as she took a minute to play out the scenario in her head. "If I thought that's how you got into the program before knowing you…." April paused. She knew what it was like to be spoken down to, so she never wanted to inflict that type of pain on someone else. But at the same time, he asked her a question and she wasn't going to lie. "Honestly, I'd probably give you an extra hard time. We all had to prove ourselves to get here, so you should have to too, even if it's by your peers."
Jackson accepted April's answer for what it was, nodding his head as she spoke. It's not like he expected her to humor him. If anything, maybe he was shocked that her answer was so rational. "I didn't, by the way," Jackson added. "I got this internship on my own."
"I know," April responded without missing a beat. She watched as Jackson optimistically looked into her eyes. She went on, "You're good, Jackson. You're smart and you have natural talent. You've already proven yourself as far as I'm concerned."
"Thank you," Jackson replied hesitantly. He never considered himself to be someone that was uncomfortable being complimented, but things were always more complicated when his mom was involved. "So…" Jackson started, internally fighting his next question. "So, if Mercy West goes under and I use my mom's connections now…."
Stunned, April turned her entire body towards Jackson. She wanted to grab his arm and shake him, but she resisted and instead blurted out, "You're leaving?! You can't leave now, Jackson!"
With a huff, Jackson pointed his chin out and looked upwards. "I don't want to leave," he threw back at April. "You're just listening, remember?"
April nodded and said, "Sorry."
"No, I'm sorry," Jackson countered. "I literally knocked you down, and you've been nothing but nice to me since…"
They were both lost for words.
Leaning towards Jackson, April nudged him with her shoulder. Jackson barely moved, so April nudged him a little harder, causing them both to sway slightly. As soon as she saw a little bit of a smile crack on his face, she finished his original sentence for him, "If Mercy West goes under and you use your mom's connections, that won't make you any less of a surgeon."
"You really believe that?" he asked, afraid to look at her before she answered.
Nodding, April said with certainty, "Yes. You're going to be great, Jackson. I know it."