Chapter-3 Getting Acquainted
"When's he going to wake up? It wasn't that bad."
"You blew him up and catapulted him into the Hokage Tower."
"He's a jounin. I figured he'd be able to handle it."
"This is Sharingan Kakashi, Sakura. Of course he was able to handle it."
"Well, yeah, but still. Hardly a good way to hit things off with your sensei."
"He should learn to never trust anything Naruto gives him after he's been pranking."
Kakashi groaned, wishing he could block his students' voices out. After a moment, he realized this must have been because they were in his hospital room, and he ripped himself from sleep with a jolt.
"Look!" Naruto grinned, standing at his bedside with a weird device in his hand. "He's awake!"
Kakashi jerked, making pain ripple up his arm as he sat up. "Careful, sensei," Sakura said, laying a hand on his shoulder. "Your arm is broken."
Kakashi glanced down at the cast on his arm with a flat expression. "I wonder whose fault that is," he said dryly, eyeing Naruto.
Naruto's grin widened. He waved the device back and forth as he gestured with his hand. "You really should've seen it coming, dog-sensei." A glint entered his eye.
Izuna snickered as he hovered behind Kakashi. "The best thing is all the other jounin were in the office when he passed out," he guffawed. He'd heard it through the 'ghost grapevine', as Naruto called it.
"All the other jounin were in the office when you passed out?" Naruto parroted.
Kakashi groaned, letting himself fall back against the hospital pillow. "What day is it?" he asked, reaching up and rubbing his brow.
"You blew up yesterday," Sasuke said helpfully.
"Thank you, Sasuke. That answers my question."
"It's Friday."
"Good. You can still take D-ranks, then," Kakashi said with an evil gleam.
"Already did," Naruto replied.
"What?"
"We took all the D-ranks while you were passed out," Sasuke said, eyes closed and hands in his pockets. "They're all out."
"…what?" Kakashi repeated. "There were eighty-three in the queue!"
"Shadow clones," Naruto said, waving his hands with a 'the more you know' tone. "We also painted your apartment- the grey was really depressing- and bought you a new mattress!"
"You were in my house?"
"Technically, it's an apartment."
"A very dirty apartment," said Sakura, disapproval in her voice as she crossed her arms and cast him an angry expression. "You can't let your living quarters get that messy, sensei! What if you need to find something? Lose a mission scroll? Have company?"
I'm getting lectured by a twelve-year-old girl, Kakashi thought as a sweatdrop ran down his head.
"Yeah, and your mattress was horrible," Naruto complained. "I tried taking a nap on it to test it out and it was so broken down."
"You tried taking a nap on it because you're lazy," Sasuke said flatly.
Naruto laughed, pointing the device at him as it beeped. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"Where did you get the money for that?" Kakashi frowned.
"Sasuke's rich," Naruto said, reaching over and stroking Sasuke's bangs with the device. Kakashi finally noticed it, and leaned away from it.
"What is that?"
"This? It detects levels of alcohol in the body for the past five weeks. We wanted to know if you were an alcoholic," Naruto said cheerfully.
A second sweatdrop. "Why would you want to know that?"
Sasuke crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. "Our sensei isn't allowed to have an addiction," he said firmly. "It takes away from training."
Kakashi stared at them with an incredulous expression, wondering if they were serious.
"Oh yeah," Naruto exclaimed, reaching into the inside pocket of his jacket. He pulled out a copy of the book he'd given Kakashi. "Here you go, sensei! I didn't think it'd be fair to have the first one blow up after you got excited about it."
"Those books are disgusting," Sakura muttered.
Kakashi eyed it with an air of suspicion. "Will this one explode?" he asked.
"I promise it won't," Naruto grinned.
Kakashi took it from him, examining it from every angle. "Thanks, I suppose," he said after a moment.
"When do we start training?" Sasuke asked.
"Or get a C-rank?!" Naruto exclaimed.
"Don't move so fast, you two," Sakura chastised, "sensei's still in the hospital!"
"Oh, I'm fine. The arm won't be a problem," Kakashi eye-smiled. Although if these three attack me together, it may present a problem…
"I know you're not a genjutsu specialist like Kurenai-sensei is, but we'd like help in that area anyway," said Sasuke, taking something out of his pocket. He let the scroll fall open. It was as long as the distance from his head to hips. "Of course you'll control training but Sakura needs help with taijutsu," he pointed to a place on the diagram, "technique is her weak spot, but she has a good amount of staying power and force to use. She knocked Naruto through my door." At this, he glared at her, and she sent him a sheepish smile. "Naruto needs to learn more higher-leveled ninjutsu to help him control his chakra- and more chakra exercises more advanced than just tree walking and water walking- and help utilizing his clones in training." He leaned closer, making Kakashi lean back with slightly widened eyes and a slow sweatdrop rolling down his head. "If you're worried about a genin having enough chakra for those jutsu, don't be, we all know how much he has because of certain conditions. I've gained three and two tomoe in each eye but I obviously don't have anyone to help with that, so I need you to train me on Sharingan use as well. We also need your signature so Sakura and I can enroll in medical training at the hospital. It will be extremely beneficial to our control."
Sweating, Kakashi raised a finger to point at the diagram of chakra on the scroll. "Er, how long have you been planning this?"
Sasuke gave him a look. It wasn't just a normal look- it was Uchiha Expression #34, aka "You're being stupid on purpose, aren't you?"
"We've been training for years, but there's only so much you can do with the restricted section of the library, orange juice, and a millennia-old entity in your head," Naruto smiled, making Kakashi jump. They knew? "But this is just Sasuke's hobby. Don't worry about it."
Sasuke turned to glare at him. "Hobby? If you're not strong, how do you expect to take leadership of the Uzumaki clan remains so you can leave Konoha?" Kakashi stared at them with a goggle-eyed expression.
"Hold on," Kakashi interrupted, feeling like his brain was stalling. He turned and gave Naruto a look. "They know?"
Naruto snorted. "About the Kyuubi? Of course they know!" he laughed, waving the device again. "Don't you know how the law works, dog-sensei? The people of Konoha can't talk about it, but I can," he finished smugly. "Don't worry. They're cool with it."
"I think there are much more concerning things about Naruto than the fact he has a fox making fun of people in his head," Sasuke snorted, closing the scroll with a click. "Anyway-"
Still trying to get over the fact they had taken it so lightly, Kakashi interrupted again. "What did you mean by 'Uzumaki clan'?" he asked with squinted eyes.
Naruto wheeled around to beam at him. "My mom, of course! She was the last Uzumaki in Konoha. I'm going to petition the Council for clan headship, since I'm the last known clan member now." At Kakashi's blank expression, he went on. "You know," Uchiha Expression #34 reared its ugly head, "Kushina?Previous Kyuubi host after Mito? Long red hair? Red Hot Habanero? Wife of your sensei-guys, he passed out."
"How do you know?" Sarutobi gave Naruto a serious expression.
"Aw, someone's in trooooouble," Izuna sang, hovering behind the old man with a grin.
"Why would the Kyuubi not tell me? We're besties," Naruto twinkled.
"Besties," Kakashi repeated flatly. He sat in the chair beside him, arm in a sling.
"…okay, so I might have just sat outside his cage and sang the Arney tune for two hours until he told me who my parents were. But I was eight, and I had very poor judgment." Kakashi shuddered at the mention of Arney, the popular green kids' dinosaur that had a television program and three manga series that were disturbingly popular with toddlers. Anko thought Arney needed to be burned to death. "I don't see the problem. I'm not going to go around screaming, 'The Fourth Hokage was my dad! Come assassinate me in my sleep or torture me to death!' I've only told Kakashi, Sasuke, and Sakura- you could argue I shouldn't have told Sakura, but she's like, the most trustworthy person ever and Sasuke is in more danger, politically, than I am, because he's a public heir and 'Last' something. Technically one secret won't hurt."
Sarutobi frowned. The situation wasn't ideal, but he couldn't argue with the boy's logic. He was only concerned about the Haruno girl- young shinobi from civilian backgrounds were statistically more likely to give way under torture. However, something more pressing was bothering him.
"Naruto, what exactly is your relationship with the Kyuubi?"
Naruto's eyebrows rose. "We're sort of like that guy that has the Eight-Tails," he said, making their frowns deepen. It seemed he was just going to keep mentioning things that confused them as to how he knew about them. "I've been talking to him since I was four and got stabbed in an alley-"
"What?" They both exclaimed.
"Oh, don't worry. It was just the one time. Anyway, he brought me in, shouted at me, and I stared at him for an hour before he screamed at me to go away, except I kept coming back until two years later when he finally decided to talk to me." At this, he beamed, and Kurama grumbled. "We just talked about random things like how annoying the villagers were until I told him I was adopting him as my friend, which made him mad, but I was very stubborn. Somebody punched me in the face so he agreed to show me what human techniques he knew because I was a 'weak, pathetic, embarrassing, pitiful, degrading moron who couldn't take a punch' and it 'hurt his eyes to watch me' and 'the sight of my bruised face made him want to wretch up his innards and swallow himself whole'. He said some other things too but I don't think it would be appropriate to repeat them in the Hokage's office. And here we are, BFFs for life."
I would kill you if I could, Kurama complained. He made this threat every other week.
"You're sure it can't escape?" Kakashi asked, eyebrows drawn together.
Naruto snorted. "Pssh. Of course not! Kami, it's like you all literally have no faith in my father's seal. You do know it's, like, a hundred times better than the other Jinchurikis' seals, right? Have you seen the One Tails' kid? And Kurama prefers 'he'."
Sarutobi gave him an annoyed expression. "I don't appreciate you keeping so much from me," he said, taking a puff of his pipe.
Naruto grew slightly apologetic. "I figured you had enough stress with the council and Danzo and being Hokage and Danzo and keeping the peace and Danzo and the ghost in your office and Danzo."
Sarutobi stared at him. "We hate Danzo," Naruto explained, beaming. "He's a sicko."
"How do you- never mind." The old man reached up to rub his forehead.
"Sir," Kakashi began hesitantly, "is he serious about this ghost issue? I thought he was just trying to throw me off."
The Hokage looked back and forth between them. Kakashi looked sheepish, and Naruto's grin never wavered. "He's been telling me there's a ghost in my office since he was seven and a half," Hiruzen said tiredly.
Kakashi's eyebrows creased further. He glanced at the blond beside him before leaning forward and talking behind his hand. "You're not…concerned?" he whispered.
"I can hear you," said Naruto. His trolling grin turned to the tall, silver-haired man who constantly hung around Hiruzen and made disapproving faces at the rest of the Council.
"They're going to throw you in the nuthouse," Izuna cackled. Naruto ignored him. The silver-haired man gave him a disapproving look. He did that to a lot of people.
The two adults sweatdropped and glanced at him. "It hasn't affected his work ethic yet, so…" Sarutobi trailed off. "I'm still not sure whether or not he's pranking me."
Kakashi's crease grew even deeper, incredibly. "…after this long?"
"He once took two and a half years to plan an elaborate ruse that involved pranking me in my home, making me think my grandson had run away from home, and making me believe Ebisu had eloped with a couple of civilian cultists," Sarutobi confessed, ashamed. Kakashi stared at him. The ghosts smirked.
"So," Naruto said, smiling as he leaned over to butt in. "Can we go get ramen?"
"Nobody ever has time to get ramen with me anymore," Naruto sighed, hands stuffed in his pockets as he ambled down the street. He'd gotten a twenty-minute lecture anyway, even though he thought his logic had been pretty solid.
"What am I, rotten tuna?" Izuna asked, insulted.
Naruto glared at him. "Don't you mock me about the tuna."
He yanked his book out of his pouch. "Whatever," he muttered.
You should watch where you're going, Kurama grumbled, both front paws folded over his eyes as he lazed around in Naruto's mind. Wait, never mind. If you keep going you'll upturn that moron's cart. Just jut your foot a little to dislodge the wheel stand…
Go back to sleep, Kyuu, Naruto replied in irritation.
"Aw, is our favorite little landlord having trouble with his tenant?" Izuna snickered.
"Shut up, Izuna," Naruto complained.
"Witch boy," a woman hissed as she passed him. Coincidentally, she was the same woman who used to be his neighbor before running away from his "voodoo" flying watering cans. Naruto liked to find her on the street and pass by to mess with her.
Well, she's not wrong, Kurama grinned. Naruto rolled his eyes.
"Hey, is that Naruto?" A voice he recognized called out. "Hey! Naruto! Over here!"
Starting to sweat, Naruto began walking faster. Don't talk to me don't talk to me don't talk to me, he thought desperately. All he wanted to do was go home and curl up in bed with his book…if Sasuke didn't make him train more.
"Hey! Naruto! Come back here!" Ino shrieked. He heard her sandals pound the ground as she started to sprint after him.
Nononononononononono- "Ack!" Naruto cried out when Ino tackled him, arms ensnaring his legs and sending them both to the ground. Dust exploded in the road, making the civilians around them give them a wide berth and several disapproving looks.
Naruto groaned. "Why," he mumbled into the ground.
"Why were you running away from me?!" Ino screamed, bashing him over the head like Sakura had used to pretend to do. Naruto winced, rolling over so he could sit up and rub his head.
Ino rocked back and got to her feet, crossing her arms and glaring down at him. Naruto stared blandly up at her, wearing a sour face. "What do you want, Ino?"
"Someone fell off the wrong side of the bed today," Shikamaru said, yawning as he ambled up behind Ino. Choji was beside him, stuffing his face from the bag of chips in his hand.
"And what's with the makeover?" Ino asked, tilting her head with a frown. Naruto looked down at himself, not understanding. He thought himself rather plain- exactly how he liked to look- in grey pants, an orange tank, and a grey jacket. Although, his goal of always looking ordinary was slightly thrown off by his love for orange. "What, are you trying to look cool now?"
"Naruto, you haven't said anything for thirteen seconds," Izuna pointed out.
"Naruto!" Ino shrieked again, bashing him over the head again.
"Ow!" Naruto whined, rubbing his injured skull. "What was that for?"
"Don't just zone out when I'm talking to you! Shikamaru does that to me enough already!"
"Really?" Naruto turned his gaze to the Nara and squinted. "I guess he does look sort of lazy," he said, after a moment's pause. Half the time he'd only sent shadow clones to the academy in his stead, and their memories were washed away in the deluge that usually followed the hundreds of clones popping at once during his training. One time he'd sent himself into a comatose-like state that lasted for seven hours. He felt a bit embarrassed to admit that he only knew very little about his classmates. Cursory information, of course, a bit of their general personalities, but not much aboutthem as people.
He just didn't see a point if they weren't Sakura or Sasuke. How often would he really see them?
"Eleven seconds," Izuna yawned.
"Na-ru-to," Ino growled, steam rising off her head.
Abort, abort, abort, abort, Naruto's mind screamed.
"Um," he said intelligently, looking around for an excuse to run away. What am I supposed to do here? he thought frantically. The "Socializing With Your Peers, For Dummies" books he'd rented from the library hadn't told him how to handle the situation.
He opened his mouth, but said nothing. Choji was just staring at him in confusion, Shikamaru looked half-asleep, and Ino was steadily growing more and more full of suppressed fury.
Oh, Kami, was this going to turn out like the time Iruka had been out sick and Mizuki had made him stand in front of the whole class and explain why he'd been late three days in a row while Sasuke and Sakura watched on helplessly and he floundered for six-point-three minutes and the Kyuubi laughed at him and the ghosts in the room sent him pitying looks?
"There a problem here?" Sasuke drawled from behind him. Naruto didn't know when he'd walked up, but Ino's disposition changed instantly. She straightened, clasping her hands behind her back, as hearts appeared in her eyes. Naruto wrinkled his nose in confusion.
"Sasuke-kun!" She exclaimed. "I didn't know you were around. I figured you'd be training with your sensei," she smiled.
"Naruto put him in the hospital," Sasuke said, grabbing Naruto's collar and yanking him off the ground, not gently but not unnecessarily rough. He set him on his feet and gave his jacket a few smacks, shaking the dust out.
"Naruto did?" Ino asked, frowning. "Did you get a really weak one?" she whined. "You deserve the best for your training!"
"He blew him up and catapulted him into the Hokage Tower," Sasuke told her, oblivious to her crush on him. He thought the Academy graduates were, on the whole, very annoying, but never saw any reason to keep up the charade after graduation. In his mind, he was one step closer to completing The Plan. Separate from The Plot, which was very secretive even within their three-(wo)man group. Both were very important. And very secretive.
Ino's mouth popped open. Choji stopped eating. Shikamaru opened his eyes.
"What?" she parroted.
Sasuke observed the bruise (very light, a dull shade of lavender, already healing) on Naruto's forehead with a frown. "Why did you hit him?" he asked, at times just as socially oblivious as Naruto himself. Well, not quite. No one was as oblivious as Naruto.
"What?"
"Why, did, you, hit, him?" Sasuke asked with narrowed eyes, leaning towards her. He thought perhaps she had a comprehension problem, or maybe an issue with her hearing, and unbeknownst to him he could come off as quite threatening without meaning to. Then again, he almost always meant to be at least slightly intimidating, as it made dealing with his age group much easier. No one could tell if Sasuke meant to frighten Ino or not.
"I, uh…" Ino laughed. "He's an idiot, Sasuke, you know that. He just kept zoning out. Sakura must have a time of it getting him to pay attention! He's just as slow as he was before graduating, isn't he?"
Sasuke was silent for several moments, wondering why she thought he would be, before Sakura's voice echoed in his head. We kept up that act for so long people will be surprised we aren't actually like that. Just be patient with people, okay?
Sasuke didn't like being patient. Ever. He could, but he didn't like it. "Ino," he said, jabbing a finger into her shoulder hard enough to make her stumble back half a step. Inside his head, he laughed as he disobeyed Sakura's warning. It felt similar to the time he'd taken a cookie from his mother's batch when she'd told him not to and hadn't been caught.
This time, he did try to be threatening, plastering on Uchiha Expression #22, aka "If you don't shut up and do exactly as I say, I will rip your liver out through your mouth", last seen on Uchiha Itachi's face as he rampaged through town to find an older Academy student who'd been bullying his little brother. Of course, no one had been able to tell it just by looking- Itachi was a master, which meant his face had been completely blank but the threatening aura was still there.
"If you ever lay a finger on my teammates outside of a village-sanctioned sparring match, I will make your life a living hell," he threatened, watching her go pale. Choji dropped his chip bag. Shikamaru watched them with slightly widened eyes. "You will wish you were dead, but you won't be, because I know exactly how much blood I can remove from your body without killing you."
"I like him," said Izuna, a satisfied expression on his face. "He reminds me of Mada-"
"Shut up, Izuna," Naruto said, and Team Ten stared, wondering why he'd said that, finding no answer and only becoming more uncomfortable from his interjection.
"Shut up, Naruto," said Sasuke, turning and walking away when he thought they were sufficiently threatened. He dragged Naruto along by the shoulder. They left Team Ten standing in the street, disrupting the flow of traffic, staring after them like their whole perception of the world had just been torn to shreds like a rooster destroying the grass trying to imitate a dog shredding a piece of cheap nylon fabric.
Asuma would later go to Kakashi and ask him, "What is wrong with your kids?" Kakashi would only stare at him, slowly shaking his head as if to say, "Why are you asking me?"