Chapter 22: Always Eat What's on Your Plate
"Hello there, Naruto." Frankly, the serene smile on Tsunade's face was both frightening and disconcerting.
"Heeeey," Naruto laughed, rocking back on his heels to lean away from her. "What's up, baa-chan?"
Dan stared at him with sympathy written across his face. "Oh, nothing," Tsunade said sweetly, pretending to arrange the papers on her desk. "How was your mission?"
"Uh…good…didn't get the Bikochu to track the scent but I'm sure Shino told you that…"
"Mhm, mhm, good, good." Tsunade nodded along as Naruto began to sweat.
"So uh, how's the office?"
Tsunade's smile twitched. "It's all ironed out. We finally got that paint off the monument, too."
"Good."
"Yes. Good." Tsunade glanced down at her desk, eyes narrowing to slits. "Would you like to tell me what the hell you were thinking?" Her head shot up, eyes on fire, and she grabbed a handful of his shirt, looking ready to shake him back and forth to get an answer out of him.
"Ahahah, initiation," Naruto laughed. "It wouldn't be fair if I hassled the old man for years but not you!"
Tsunade's face seemed to twist before going calm. "Initiation. Initiation. That's your excuse?!"
"Well, hey, can't blame me for wanting to welcome you into office."
"You call that a welcoming?!"
He felt two ghosts come through the door, although he didn't know which ones. After years of interacting with them, he could notice when they entered a room as easy as noticing when a live person entered.
"I was tearing my hair out for seven hours trying to keep those damn papers filled out-"
"Wow, it took you seven hours?" Naruto asked, genuinely shocked. "I…expected better…it only took Jiji three."
Tsunade's scowl deepened.
"Well, then again…he is jiji. Don't feel too bad."
"Naruto," she growled through gritted teeth.
"Last time I painted the monument like that he made me take it off because he knew I'd used, eheh, special paint."
"Do you know how irritated the jounin were they didn't get their paychecks until sundown?!"
"You took till sundown? Granny, I'm disappointed in you~" Naruto said honestly.
Tsunade's other fist slammed down on the desk, making the whole thing shake. "Ts-Tsunade-sama, everything's worked out now," Shizune said with a nervous sweatdrop, trying to calm her down.
Slowly breathing out through her nose, Tsunade released his shirt and fell back into her seat. "You're right. The pranks are all over and done with. But the forest," her expression darkened, "you destroyed part of it, Naruto!"
"That was you?" Hashirama exclaimed.
"Brother, I told you. Those Uchiha are a bad influence," Tobirama said. Naruto could just hearthe disapproving look in his tone.
"It will take years to grow back!" Tsunade went on.
"Not if you get that Yamato guy to do it!"
Her jaw dropped open. "How do you know about Yamato?"
"Psh. There's nothing I don't know about in this village," Naruto said, tipping his chin up.
"See?" Tobirama said in the background, gesturing with one hand. "He's just oozing Uchiha arrogance."
"He does seem to take after Mada-" Hashirama froze. Tobirama's eyebrows shot up. "Naruto-kun, have you been spending a lot of time with Madara recently?"
Naruto whirled around with a sunny, oblivious grin. "Yeah! He taught me some awesome fire jutsu the other day!"
"…the day you demolished the forest?"
"Yeah."
Hashirama's palm met his forehead as Tobirama scowled. "You see? He continues to be a negative influence-"
"Now, Tobi-"
"Shut up, brother, I'm trying to speak to the stripling."
Hashirama collapsed under a depressed cloud while Tobirama stepped closer to address Naruto. "Aw, come on, he's not that bad."
"You don't know Madara, child."
Nawaki's head popped out of the floor. "Madara? A man in dark clothes with long black hair? He was in here with Naruto the other day. He laughed a lot at the Hokage Monument!"
Tobirama's eyebrow began twitching. If anything, Hashirama's depression cloud got bigger as he muttered into the floor. "Does he think me in such embarrassing makeup is funny…?"
"The point is, you would be smart to avoid him."
"Well that'd be kind of hard considering he lives in my house. Are you saying I should move out of my house?" Naruto's brow creased in confusion. "Wouldn't that be expensive?"
"What- no." Tobirama rubbed his forehead. "Simply make him leave the home. It's better not to be around him."
"Why does where a ghost lives matter, though? He doesn't eat or use up water or electricity…unless he's watching the TV, but he doesn't do that often. Just mutters at it… Why are you concerned about Madara making Sasuke's house bills more expensive?"
"I'm not-" A sigh. "It's like speaking with Hashirama, but worse."
"Hey!" Hashirama exclaimed from his corner.
Tsunade had simply let her forehead rest on her desk, resigned to the fact he was going to ignore her.
"Madara's heart is filled with hatred. That's what makes him dangerous."
Naruto rubbed his chin. "Then why isn't he a poltergeist? Poltergeists are humans who were filled with hatred, but Madara just seemed depressed and angsty when I found him. And high. I still haven't convinced him to tell me what he was taking." Tobirama's hand covered his eyes. "What? Are you telling me that someone who wants to use the moon to take over the world wasn't high? He'd probably break the darn thing open and mess up our gravitational pull and cause the world to end anyway. He seemed pretty confused when Izuna explained that to him. Did you guys not have science when you were alive?"
"Naruto-kun!" Hashirama exclaimed with a strained smile, trying to change the topic of conversation. "Maybe you can let us speak with Madara! Then we can all work this out and we can explain to him why teaching you massively destructive jutsu in such close proximity to the village isn't a good idea." In the back of their minds, the brothers wondered what the hell kind of voodoo Naruto had pulled to get Uchiha Madara to teach him.
Privately, Tobirama thought it must have been some sort of plot. "Yes," he agreed, "we'll explain things to him."
"I feel like you both have really different ideas of what 'explain' means."
Hashirama glared at his brother before kneeling down so he could look Naruto in the eye. "Tobirama's just…joking. Besides, don't you think it's been long enough we can see him?" Naruto grimaced when the pleading expression crossed his face.
Darn. He's hard to say no to.
"Eh…I guess…but no fighting, got it?"
Hashirama grinned. "We promise! Right, brother?" He elbowed Tobirama in the knee, eliciting a quiet grunt.
"Hn. Fine."
"All right," Tsunade interrupted, lifting her head with an irritated glance. "Whatever you're doing can wait. Time for your punishment."
Naruto raised his eyebrows, folding his arms behind his head. "What, do I have to do D-ranks?"
"No. You're supervising a team of genin on their mission."
"Aw, come on," Naruto whined, wrinkling his nose. "Genin? Really? Do I have to?" Most genin outside the Rookie Nine were scornful towards him and his rank, still seeing him as the dead-last.
"YES," she thundered. "Come in!"
Everyone winced at her volume. The door swung open, leaving Team Gai to file in, sans their teacher. Naruto brightened at once and walked through Nawaki's head to greet them.
"Ey, Karin, how's the Team Gai experience?"
She gave him a sullen glare. "Naruto-sama, I'm not sure if you're mocking me or not."
"Why would I be mocking you?"
She sighed.
Unfortunately, Jiraiya filed in right after. Naruto mirrored Karin's expression, while the man's face lit up in a smug grin. "Hello there, apprentice!" he said in an overly cheerful voice, sliding over to hook an arm around Naruto's neck in much the same way he had when he'd tried to convince Naruto to be his "research assistant".
"A deadbeat like you doesn't take missions, so the hell are you doing here?" Naruto deadpanned. The ghosts sweatdropped at his complete one-eighty in disposition.
Naruto scowled when Jiraiya failed to react as he usually did. Instead, he just seemed to beam brighter. It was like looking at the sun. Too bright, it pained the eyes to stare at, and it generally caused annoyance. "What, I can't come check up on my cute little student?" In actuality, he did have some business with Tsunade concerning the Hyuuga; a second seal master was to be brought in to examine their Caged Bird Seal.
"You're an irritation. Now let go, muttonhead, and take your stupid tomfoolery somewhere else."
"Should you really talk like that to your sensei…?" Karin stammered, unheard.
"S-so harsh…" Lee muttered in awe. TenTen just shook her head.
"You seem significantly happier." Tsunade eyed Jiraiya suspiciously, wondering why he wasn't sulking in a corner at Naruto's…tsundere-ness.
"Hm? Do I?" Jiraiya just blinked at her. "And- heyyyy. You could at least wear it with pride, y'know," he said with a pout.
Tsunade raised an eyebrow when Naruto crossed his arms and closed his eyes, wearing a closed-off expression. She didn't see anything odd about how he was dressed; the same chuunin-green pants taped off at the shin and black jacket as usual. "It's a piece of clothing. It's of no significance."
This time the depression cloud did appear, making Jiraiya huddle at the window as he poked his fingers together. "If you're that ashamed of me…"
He's manipulating you, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Sasuke told Naruto.
Naruto stared at him for a moment before bitterly gritting his teeth and, with a bitter expression, bitterly and slowly shrugged off his jacket and sealed it back into his storage with a bitter flick of his hand. The bitterness was key here.
In a bitter tone, he interrupted Jiraiya's sulking while adjusting his haori. Beneath it, he wore only a short-sleeved shirt with a zipper on the top half so he could adjust the collar. "Happy now, ero-sennin?"
In classic shoujo fashion, Jiraiya glomped him with stars in his eyes while Naruto maintained a steady, completely deadpan expression.
Shizune had turned away and stuffed a fist into her mouth to hide her giggling. Staring for a moment, Tsunade decided to ignore their combined weirdness for the moment and get on with the mission. "Ahem. Anyway. Lee found three men passed out in the river today. Rokusuke, Sangoro, and Hachidai are from the Land of Rivers. Apparently, a gang calling themselves the Kurosuki family has taken over the Katabami Gold Mine; they're probably nothing more than a band of thugs, but for unknown reasons, they've been killing innocent villagers left and right."
Lee gasped, and Naruto could just feel his sense of justice burning. "That's horrible!"
"Well, it's a simple mission, really. Just remove the family and report back. You'll be escorting our guests back along the way."
"Where's Gai, anyway?" Naruto asked curiously.
The door slammed open, making Team Gai collectively wince. "Right here!" the jounin boomed, light glinting off his teeth as he gave Tsunade a thumbs-up. "I am so happy you're giving my team this opportunity, Hokage-sama! I assure you they will do you proud."
Naruto squinted. "So wait, other than you getting hissy over my pranks, why exactly am I here instead of Gai?"
Tsunade's twitch returned. "For your information, Naruto, you're only support. I'm sending Team Nine without Gai as training. There's a reason Kurenai didn't go along to find the Bikochu; genin don't grow if they always have the training wheels on. As for me getting hissy," everyone but Naruto shivered, "you backtracked my paperwork for two days! You little brat!"
"It was quite a stack she had going," Dan smiled sheepishly.
"Yeah! She kept taking sake behind Shizune's back," Nawaki giggled.
Naruto snorted, failing to hide a grin. "You kept taking shots behind Shizune's back?" Jiraiya snickered.
"Tsunade-sama!" Shizune exclaimed, dismayed.
In a flash, she had his shirt collar in hand again, eyes shadowed. "Did you have to say that?!"
"I always feel compelled to say things aloud that people's ghosts find funny."
Steaming, Tsunade shoved him into Neji. The Hyuuga caught him on reflex in a nelson-type hold, while Naruto just kept grinning. "Just for that, Neji's team leader. Now get out," she said, rage rising off her in a lethal purple aura.
"Do you have to provoke her so?" Hashirama asked him, sweat sliding down his face as he smiled weakly.
Naruto beamed. "I'm compelled."
Naruto stopped by the Uchiha District to pick up supplies before they left, redoing the storage seals on his arms so they were covered with them; frankly, they looked more like tattoos. This was his intention- he'd used a variety of colored inks to disguise what they really were; it was always best to hide things from the enemy.
He left space for the straps on his bracers and made sure to secure his fan to his back before he left; he decided to forego his katana and simply strap one of the tantō hanging on the wall of the planning room and the Raijin no Ken on the back of his belt so each hilt rested on one hip and pointed in different directions.
When he arrived at the gate, Team Gai and the three villagers had already arrived. Naruto stopped in front of Neji and snapped off a salute. "All right, leader. You've got all the responsibility now. Our lives rest upon your decisions. You carry the weight of the whole mission on your shoulders. Your wisdom and planning dictate the success or failure of the mission. How's it feel?!"
Neji's eyebrow jerked just slightly. Gaze stoic and composed as usual, he gave Naruto a blank stare. "I take that as a 'It feels great, Naruto!'"
"Let's get going," Neji said, adjusting his pack. He set off in the lead, and Naruto fell into step beside Lee with a snicker. TenTen and Karin walked side-by-side talking in low tones about something, occasionally laughing under their breath.
"I am sure that Neji will be an amazing team leader," Lee said with a shining grin. Naruto was just glad that Gai or Sakura weren't there; there were only so many sunset and spring field genjutsu he could take in one day. "Do you know what Gai-sensei told me, Naruto? Apparently, the leader of this despicable gang we're to remove is one of the Seven Swordsman of the Mist," he said in an exaggerated whisper.
Naruto's eyebrows rose. "Oh, really? I've fought one before. Sasuke and Sakura have too."
"Yeah," TenTen came up on his other side, narrowing her eyes as a smirk crossed her face, "mind telling us how exactly you put him out of commission? His strength is rumored to be on par with your sensei's."
"I blew the area up," Naruto said with a shrug.
"Uh…how'd you take down an A-rank missing nin with some exploding tags?"
"No, TenTen, I blew the area up."
TenTen's paused, mouth hanging open. "Are you the reason every time we have a mission in that direction all I see is charred land for a few miles on the trip?"
Naruto smirked.
"Dear kami, can you show me your exploding tags?"
"Me, too, Naruto-sama!"
"Absolutely."
The three villagers were quite impatient as they stopped for lunch on the way to the gold mine, making Naruto shoot them irritated looks on the way. He didn't like how antsy they were; they were radiating impatience and anxiety, and he could feel it from across the clearing they'd eaten at for lunch. He could have tolerated it, but Rokusuke in particular was just worrying needlessly.
Lee looked to be falling asleep as soon as they neared the mine. Naruto walked beside him with a slightly bug-eyed expression, watching him sway. "I can sense it," he said with a closed-eye grin. "Sansho-san's shop is closeby."
"How do you know?" Naruto asked. "Recognize the territory?"
"No, I'm feeling drowsy. She saved my life here. I ran a marathon with Gai-sensei and ended up running it while I was asleep."
Naruto sweatdropped. "You ran a marathon while you were asleep?"
"Ah! There it is!" Lee perked up and pointed wildly, starting the chuunin. "Sansho-san's shop!"
He burst into a sprint, making Neji leapt to the side with a twitch to avoid being run over. Naruto rolled his eyes and followed him at a slower pace, patting their fearless leader on the shoulder as he went by.
The agitation coming off Rokusuke grew as they all sat down to eat, while Lee chattered on about how Sansho's curry had saved his life when he'd collapsed during his (slightly unbelievable…all right, very unbelievable) marathon.
"Thank you for the food," Naruto said to the woman, hands folded together. She beamed at him and ruffled his hair.
"Anytime for the people who've come to help our village."
Naruto hid a smile, ducking his head and bringing his chopsticks to his mouth at the same time his comrades did.
"Hyahh!" TenTen shrieked, bending over as she stuck her tongue out and held it with both hands. Karin keeled over on the other side of the table, face going as red as her hair.
"Dear Kami-" Neji cut himself off, looking strained.
Lee went at his food with gusto as he yelled about how amazing it was. The three villagers' faces had turned red as they sat stiff at their table.
Hand shaking, Naruto painstakingly reached for a glass of water. Beside him, Neji had unconsciously activated his Byakugan- frankly, it was comical, and he would have laughed if he hadn't been so focused on the excruciating heat occupying his tongue.
He gulped down the water as TenTen helped relieve Neji. Karin pushed her plate away with a pale face. Glancing at the plate, he grimaced before picking up his chopsticks again.
Neji gave him an incredulous stare. "You're not going to-?"
"Rule number one: always eat what's on your plate," Naruto muttered, so focused on the food as he watched the next bite come towards him like imminent death he didn't think about what he was saying. "Might not have any more tomorrow." Karin made a face as he began eating again.
Unbeknownst to him, Neji cast him a frown before Lee interrupted the conversation to address Sansho. "Sansho-san, where is Karashi? I was looking forward to seeing him."
"Ah." The woman glanced down at her feet, sighing. "I'm afraid he took my advice the wrong way. He's joined the Kurosuki gang to try and become stronger."
"What? The Kurosuki gang? Does he not know they are the ones terrorizing the town?!"
"I'm not sure what he thinks. I haven't seen him." She sighed again, dejectedly, looking worn down and depressed.
Lee turned to Neji as Naruto gulped down the curry, occasionally coughing and hacking and making Neji and TenTen give him concerned looks. "Neji, please allow me to bring Sansho's son Karashi back! He does not belong with that gang of bullies."
"Very well," the Hyuuga muttered, half paying attention to Lee and half paying attention to Naruto out of the corner of his eye as the blond groaned over his bowl. "The shop will be our base of operations."
"Yosh! Thank you, Neji!"
"We'll stay here tonight and move out in the morning."
Sansho and TenTen jumped when Naruto slammed his bowl down. "Finished," he said with a triumphant smile. TenTen slapped a palm to her forehead and shook her head back and forth.
"Naruto-sama," Karin muttered, "that was just unnecessary."
Sasuke hung his bow on the room of the 'War Room' with a pleased air about him, hanging his quiver beneath it. Sakura had gotten TenTen to give him a discounted price- although it was supposedly just a "coincidence" it was on sale (she knew how much he hated charity, even if he was willing to take it if it helped his team).
He set another stack of paperwork on the round table in the middle of the room, picked up a pen, and sighed before dropping it onto the stack. It could wait until the next day.
Being clan head came with more responsibilities and, of course, paperwork, even if there wasn't much of a clan to take care of. He had access to tax exemptions for the land now, had a small budget from the village he could use to rebuild, and had to keep track of the money and be sure he only used it on something that would benefit the clan, rather than something that was for personal pleasure. For example, it was within his rights to buy weapons with it, but it was frowned upon for him to buy movie tickets with it. He also had full access to his former clan members' bank accounts- although as heir he'd been able to sell off their possessions that had been left on the compound, as clan head he could take control of their individual assets after their death and if they didn't have a more immediate family member available.
He glanced at the various weapons lining one wall and the maps lining the other. Naruto loved maps- he had two world maps, several of each individual country, and many of the Land of Fire and Konoha itself. On the maps of their village, there were many marks the boy had made, although Sasuke hadn't the faintest clue what they meant. Some things were circled; some "X" marks made their home on a few. There was a map of the Forest of Death with several landmarks- "giant tree"; "avoid tigers".
What wall space that wasn't occupied was blocked by a bookshelf. The two bottom shelves were lined with blue binders containing their records and documents. Each of them were covered in seals that protected them from the elements and kept strangers from snooping. The middle shelf held various books on other countries or weapon and fighting styles; Naruto even had some history books. The top shelf held four small boxes covered in fuinjutsu; Sasuke knew one held their money ("Uzumaki sealing is more trustworthy than a bank, dammit!"), one held some of the Uchiha heirlooms, and one held random things Naruto had happened upon over the years that he thought might be useful someday. Sasuke didn't know what the fourth box held.
A trunk sat in between the kunai and shuriken bins; what Konoha had scavenged from Uzushiogakure and what Naruto had recovered from the Mask Temple in Konoha sat inside.
Sasuke sat down with a sigh before noticing a seal in the middle of the table. There were six quills around the middle, for six seats; Naruto had been using one, because he always forgot to put it back into the small stand that kept it from going dry.
Sasuke returned the quill and eyed the seal curiously. Shrugging, he bit his thumb and spread his blood across the seal- if Naruto didn't want him in something, he wouldn't code him into it.
Two books- orange, of course- popped into existence. Raising an eyebrow, Sasuke flipped open the first one. Page after page was full of different sealing techniques, with a dark blue tab separating a section on the magic he knew Naruto used.
Setting the book down, he picked up the second one, settling in for a night of casual reading.
Uzumaki Databook
[Uzumaki Naruto, 87th Clan Head]
[Book 2: Spirits and the Supernatural]
This information has been gathered through my experience with the paranormal over many years. I may or may not provide explanations concerning specific experiences or events as to how I came upon a piece of information. Things may be explained out of order. If you have a spirit problem and are reading this for a solution, sucks to be you if you can't find it quickly. No, seriously, you're an idiot, go look at the index in the back.
Perhaps this will be useful to my descendants, and our ally clan and friends, the Uchiha. I would call them our sister clan, but the Senju would get pissy over that. Or maybe you'll laugh around it while you get drunk and scorn my life's work. I do that to people sometimes.
Ghost and spirit are not interchangeable in every circumstance. Ghosts and poltergeists are both spirits. Hey, I'm the first one I know of that sees them, so I get the define the terms however the hell I want, yeah?
Ghosts: Ghosts are entities that have stuck around after death. Normally quite powerless, able to shift through solid substances like walls and floors. It takes more concentration to travel through the ground and hover/fly. Although they have no chakra, they're still an entity, thus can tire themselves by expending "energy". Physical activity doesn't have an effect on their spiritual energy- things like possessing others does. Possession takes a very strong spirit, especially prolonged possession. Some stronger ghosts can make objects float or even throw them, but that's mostly the extent of their power. Nidaime Hokage Senju Tobirama once possessed Orochimaru of the Sannin, immediately causing convulsions and what appeared to be seizures. It appears a ghost unpracticed in the art of possession can cause this, whether or not they mean to (although I'm sure Oji-san very definitely meant to at the time). Izuna, when he possessed someone- well, I should just make another section on possession later.
Poltergeist: ghosts who were filled with such hatred and malice they transformed into something ghastly after death. They're much more powerful than a normal ghost, powered by their own hate and using the negative spiritual energy to harm others. Poltergeists can easily toss objects around, even yank people around and throw them into objects. They can possess someone for days, weeks, perhaps months, slowly wearing their body down with their mere presence. Poltergeists are rare, but to be avoided, as they are quite dangerous.
Combat between ghosts:
Ghosts appear to be able to go through each other or choose to be tangible towards each other, often engaging in physical activity. Most of the time, when they fight, they can't do much damage to each other, but appear to still feel the effects of their opponent's blows. For example, Toka once punched Izuna in the nose, and while it didn't affect his appearance, he appeared to be in pain. Fighting is nearly useless since they can't kill each other, but it's a fun pastime, evidently.
Poltergeists vs. Ghosts:
I've only encountered two poltergeists at the time of writing this. They're not experiences I look back on with fondness. I will discuss the second poltergeist, a horrible thing that possessed a farmer that lived on the outskirts of the village. I was eight when I found him as I happened to be training in the forest, and could immediately feel its presence. At first it startled me, but with the morbid curiosity that will probably get me murdered in my sleep someday and make my family weep over me, I followed it into the man's house.
Next, what happened was th- ... [The words are scratched out.] This has been removed from my memory.
Anyway, Izuna attacked the thing like the guard dog he is and appeared to be able to do damage to it, I assume because they operate on the same plane of existence, but it also did damage to him. The thing ran off, and I haven't seen it since.
Fact: if a poltergeist does enough damage to a ghost- although I don't know much about the specifics and technicalities of what this damage is or how it works- it appears they move on to the afterlife. I think this means that a ghost can be forced to move on. Typically they stick around because they want to watch over someone, have unfinished business, are stuck reliving their death, or want revenge. Nothing is invincible, however.
Fact: talking or dwelling on extensively about a specific poltergeist can attract its attention. Avoid talking or thinking much about specific poltergeists.
Notes:
I'll be randomly showing you sections of Naruto's databook. I only mentioned Sasuke reading it as an introduction. In the vein of Naruto's...er, polite intro, xD, there are going to be things mentioned you probably won't understand and have a story behind them. I might even show you a data entry from a future version of Naruto. I won't be using this as an info dump; mostly, to drop hints at stories from Naruto's childhood you haven't seen and will probably make their appearance in a spin-off fanfic I'll post at some undetermined point in the future.