I'm stuck sitting in the chair, staring at the seat he was in. I should have told him that I didn't want Levi to kiss me, although I don't think the president cares about my personal drama.
"Willow?" Mom pops her head in. "Are you okay?"
I muster up a bright smile. "Yeah. They never show it on television but I guess President Snow always visits the victors before the victory tour to wish them luck.
"Oh," I can see the visible relief on her face. "Your dad took Dani to the market so they should be back soon. Do you want me to draw you a bath?"
"Yes, please," I say, knowing she must want something to do to feel like she's still taking care of me. I get up and wrap my arms around her, something I haven't done since before the games. "I love you."
"I love you too, little songbird," she rests her head on top of mine. "More than anything in the world."
President Snow's words keep running through my head. The safety of my entire family rests on me being able to pull off this act. And not just to convince the gullible Capitol socialites, but those in the district who have every reason to hate him and the Capitol. I'll have to make it seem like without a shadow of a doubt that I'm in love with Sawyer Hawthorne.
I can't do it, I panic. I'm not that good. But I have to be. I'm not like Sawyer who can make anyone believe anything. Maybe…maybe I don't have to pretend, at least, not to the extent that I'm trying to force myself. Maybe there's a way it can become real.
But one things for sure, nobody can know it's not real. Sawyer might be convinced that I've been pretending, but if I want to keep my family safe, then they can't know, and neither can Levi. They have to all think I've hopelessly fallen for the sweet boy who survived the Games with me.
I don't want to tell Sawyer about President Snow's visit though. For some reason, I think it will hurt him even more, knowing that I'm trying to amp up my reactions for the sake of another boy. Because he doesn't deserve that. I can't help feeling more and more like this would have just been so much easier if he was the only one that left the arena.
I hold my breath and plunge myself into the bathtub. Being underwater, floating, makes me feel like I'm at Papa's lake. He and Mom took me all the time growing up and would teach me to swim there. We'd spend hours gathering the plants my mom was named after and then go back to Nanas where Dad and Dani would be waiting and we would cook them all up along with a duck that Papa would have shot near the water and have a huge feast.
I haven't been back there in a long time, and now that President Snow was watching, I wasn't sure if I wanted to. The place felt sacred and I didn't want to do anything to taint it.
Even underwater I can hear the commotion coming from outside and I know at once that my prep team has arrived. Better not to delay, I suppose. I quickly dry off, wrapping myself in a towel and not bothering to put any clothing on. There's a knock on my door and I open it to be greeted by the horrified faces of Augusina, Tasten, and Nepla. They ramble on about how I need to be taking care of myself even when they're not there, complaining about how I've let my eyebrows grow out, asking if I've been digging in the garden.
I listen to them prattle on about all the hype that's been surrounding Sawyer and I at the Capitol as they pluck, scrub, and file until I feel completely raw. They give my hair a little trim so it looks exactly the same as when the audience last saw me, all while attempting to make small talk which ends with them just talking over each other.
"Isn't it thrilling?"
"Don't you feel so excited?"
"It will be your very first year as a mentor! And for the hundredth and one games!"
I nod, trying to follow along but for the most part tune them out. Once they announce that I'm done, they tell me to put on a robe and to get down to Cinna. I'm eager to see him, since I've been able to talk to him using the phone in this house. It seemed pointless at first to have one, since nobody else in District Twelve, apart from Haymitch and Sawyer, had one. And if I wanted to talk to either of them, I would just walk over. Not that I've felt the urge to, I have a hard time figuring out what to say to Sawyer and Haymitch is usually passed out anyway. Cinna is easy to talk to though. He's been helping me figure out my talent. All of the Victors have one, now that we don't have to go to school or work in the district. Sawyers, interestingly, is painting. His natural ability to camouflage translated right into that. I suggested my drawing, but they didn't want us to have similar talents to show off and I couldn't hunt as a talent either. Cinna eventually helped me come up with fashion and sewing. He said he would do most of the work when it became evident that I was hopeless at it.
When I get down the stairs, it looks like Mom has left too, probably to go see Papa and Nana. Cinna is busy laying down yards of fabric and scattering drawings, making it look like my living room has been turned into a design studio. I look around at the shimmery fabrics and the extravagant designs that I can see the Capitol easily falling for. I pick up one of the sketchbooks on the table and examine the dress I supposedly made. "You know, I think I show a lot of promise," I say.
"Get dressed, you worthless thing," he says, tossing a bundle of clothes at me.
I may have no interest in designing clothes but I do love the ones Cinna designs for me. He seems to design them all with me in mind, which means no matter how extravagant, he makes sure they're comfortable. Even the casual clothing for today's segment. Flowing black pants made of thick warm material. A comfortable white shirt. A sweater woven from green and blue and gray strands of the softest yarn I think I've ever felt.
"Did I design my outfit?" I ask.
"No," he says. "I designed it but you aspire to be like me, your fashion hero." He hands me a stack of cards. "You can read off of these today."
The front door opens and in bounces Dani, Mom and Dad and Effie following in. Effie's hair is orange this time, and her makeup and outfit matches perfectly.
"Willow! Look what I found!" That's when I notice the fluffy bundle in her arms. It's a cat, a mangy long haired black one that could easily be mistaken for some coal if it was laying in the seam. I look at my parents and they shrug. They're just as bad about denying Dani as I am.
Dad reaches over to pet the cat under its chin. "It's a cute little thing."
"It's ugly," My mom huffs.
"Oh come on, Katniss," Dad says, wrapping an arm around her. "It was going to freeze out there."
"And I think he loves me," Dani replies. She must be right. The cat whose face is all scrunched up like someone had stepped on it, cuddles into her coat.
I move my hand near it, but it hisses, jumping back into Dani. "Stupid cat," I mutter, but Dani just giggles.
"I'm naming it Soot," she says. Original.
"We're about to do the first outdoor shot, Willow!" Effie claps her hands in excitement. "It's the one where you and Sawyer will greet each other outside before your marvelous trip. And then we'll have to go straight to the station so say your goodbyes now!"
It's almost scarier to say goodbye this time, because when I had been repaped, it felt final, and there was a sense of peace. Now, I was afraid to leave them alone with no guarantee for their protection.
"We'll be waiting," Dad says, and it reminds me of what he said before I left for the games.
"Be safe," Mom says. "Here, your good luck charm." She pins the Mockingjay pin onto my sweater.
"Don't worry, Willow," Dani says, squeezing tight. "Soot will be here to keep me company." As horrid as that cat was, I'm at least grateful for that.
"Love you, little duck," I tell her.
Effie doesn't give me much more time than that before she's herding me outside. Cinna hands me a white fur coat which is a lot warmer than it looks, protecting me from the frigid air. The snow had started to come down again, much harder and at first it's hard to see. But then I'm able to make out Sawyer's figure in front of his house. President Snow's words echo in my ear, "Convince me."
So then my face breaks out into a huge smile and I'm walking towards him. Then, as if I can't stand it for one more second, I start running. He can't move as fast as I can, but when I reach him, we both slip on the icy ground and fall into a heap, him breaking my fall. We're both laughing though, and I thought it would feel more forced, but it doesn't.
"Are you okay?" I ask, mindful of his leg. He seems to have gotten a lot better on it and no longer uses his cane.
"Yeah, you?" He asks.
But instead of answering, I leaned down to kiss him. We haven't kissed since that last time outside of the train but it's warm and familiar in a good way, I think, and I know I'm not alone. Even after I've hurt him so much, Sawyer won't let me down with a half-hearted performance. He's still looking out for me. He's always looking out for me, and the thought makes me want to cry. But instead, I pull back, really taking a look at him. His cheeks are fuller than in that arena and he looks healthy, the cold air having turned his cheeks into a rosy pink.
"I think I got lipstick on you," I say.
"Really? Well, how's it look?" He purses his lips and I can't help but laugh. He's so good at making me feel at ease. If I had to do this with anyone, I'm so glad it's him.
"Maybe a different color?" I know the camera's are eating this up. I reach my hand up to wipe his lips and then help him up to his feet, tucking my hand into the crook of his arm, pulling him back to where Effie is waiting.