Surprise! I managed to post another chapter before I went on holiday... I hope you like this. I did struggle with this chapter a lot, and my thanks go to Melody/Harmne for her thoughts, ideas, and feedback. Between us, I hope we got it. Please bear in mind I did not want this to be a really angsty story. So I wanted them to find their way through...

As always, thank you to all who have reviewed and continue to follow this story. NOW comes the hiatus for a couple of weeks. :)

Man Up

I looked at Ranger for a long moment, so happy to see him alive and apparently well, yet aching in my heart and soul at the sight. I then turned to Lester and motioned for him to leave us. He shook his head at me, but I repeated the motion and nodded at him, "I'll be fine," I told him. "Everything will be ok."

Lester still looked uncertain but reluctantly turned to leave, closing the door quietly behind him. I strode forward, trying to appear confident and calm despite my shaking insides, and sat at the guest chair at Ranger's desk. Ranger still stood behind the desk, staring at me, and I waited him out; giving him time and space to adjust and reengage. The time was good for me too, as I was able to take several deep, calming breaths as I patiently waited and watched him. Eventually, he sank into the chair opposite me.

He seemed to visibly shake himself, then obviously pulled himself together to start to speak to me. But I held up my hand, and said, "No. It's my turn at the moment. You can say what you want when I've had a chance to speak my own piece."

I took another breath and continued, "Yes, I've known you were back since the day you arrived at the Miami office. Yes, I heard everything you said to the team and to Marco. Yes, you hurt me, deeply. Yes, I think you are a coward and should have manned up to come and tell me what was going on." Ranger looked taken aback at that last statement, but he said nothing and visibly settled his face into a blank mask as I continued.

"So, to business first, a report from me; Office Manager and Research Assistant for Rangeman Trenton." I saw him look slightly pained at that. But I went on, "Everything has been going very well in Trenton since you left. We have managed to capture five very high-dollar FTAs, earning Rangeman almost half a million dollars, and I have been learning a lot about surveillance, tracking, and stakeouts. Lester has been excellent, travelling to Trenton whenever needed. Hector, too, has been great. He and I have managed to work together, despite the language barrier. Tank and Ramon visited Trenton several weeks ago, and both were very impressed with the Haywood Street building. Less so with the East State Street building. Ramon indicated he would be willing to invest in the building to fund the expansion. I understand that his offer is a good one, but Tank, Marco, and your lawyer would be able to tell you more about that." I paused to take another breath. Ranger maintained his blank mask, but I could have sworn I saw a flicker of something, maybe pride, cross his eyes as I listed our accomplishments during his absence.

"From my perspective, I have completed my certificate in business computing. I got very high marks and received a commendation." I saw a flash of something else cross his eyes. Pride? Maybe. But he masked it quickly, and I went on, "As you suggested before you left, I have been designing a training program for the Miami team, and Marco has invited me here now to begin the training program. So that's why I'm here in Miami now." I paused again and then deliberately looked him directly in the eyes, "I'm staying in the employee apartments. Apartment H. I guess nobody knew if I would be welcomed to stay with you. Including me."

A further flash went across his eyes at that, maybe anguish? Pain? I decided to shut up now. It was time for him to enter this conversation.

We sat in silence that I was determined not to break, for several minutes. Eventually, he looked down and I saw the blank mask slip, and he said in a strained voice, "Babe, I… Steph, I…" he broke off, seeming to be at a loss.

Despite that he was still looking down at his hands resting on the table, I could still see the pain and distress in his face. He took a breath and his eyes flickered up to mine for an instant before moving back to his hands. Pure anguish. I continued to wait, but he seemed unable to continue. I decided to take a huge risk. I stood, moving slowly but deliberately, I rounded the desk to stand beside his chair. He looked up at me in shock, and I took the opportunity to cup his face gently with my hands. I leaned down and kissed him lightly and gently on the lips, "Welcome home Carlos. I missed you. I'm glad you're home safe. You… you weren't injured, were you?"

He shook his head slowly at me, seeming mesmerised in looking at me standing so close. I couldn't help the huff of relief at his reassurance he had not been injured. Something seemed to break inside him at that, and he pulled me swiftly down into his lap and buried his face into the hair on my neck. I was shocked to feel him shuddering beneath me and to feel his silent sobs against my neck. I held him tightly and just hoped my presence could comfort whatever storm was raging inside him. Eventually the shuddering and silent sobs stopped, and he just continued to hold me tightly as I was holding him. Something had definitely happened, and I was determined to find out what.

He looked up at me shame and distress clear on his face at breaking down. I held his gaze steadily, trying to project a complete lack of judgement or criticism to him. Eventually, I said quietly, "Carlos, what's going on? What happened?"

"I.. I can't tell you. It's... I can't."

"Carlos, you have to talk to someone. It's obviously eating you up inside. Don't feed me bullshit about classified information; I'm not asking for mission details, but something happened to you. Please talk to me."

He looked away, and I saw the blank mask come over his face again and he sat straighter. But I knew this time the mask was not a shield against me, but to shield against the emotions raging inside. He spoke quietly, so I almost had to strain to listen. "I've always maintained that my lifestyle doesn't lend itself to relationships." He had used those words in the elevator too. "Julie…" his voice broke, before e went on, "Julie just reinforced that for me." He took a deep breath. "In the Rangers, and after, running missions, chasing skips, well, I've made a lot of enemies. And my life is always in danger. So, until I met you, I told myself I would just be alone. Take comfort where and when I needed it, and not get involved." I knew he was talking about sex, and I felt a pang at the thought of him having sex with other women, but I also knew it was perfectly natural. I tried to hope it was also in the past.

"Meeting you, what happened between us. It really threw me. Suddenly, I was opening up to you, dating you, taking you to meet my family, meeting yours. It happened so fast, and it felt a little surreal. It went contrary to everything I had been telling myself, the life I had been living. It felt right though, so I went with it. But then, I went on this mission…" He paused for a long time; minutes passed in silence. Eventually he went on, "I can't tell you details of the special op. I can't give you names. Just know it went FUBAR. Completely FUBAR." I must have looked my puzzlement because he clarified, "Fucked up beyond all recognition. FUBAR." I nodded at the clarification.

"Two of my team were killed. Again, I can't give you names; it's still classified." Pain flashed over his eyes again. "They were both so young. Not even thirty. One married, his wife is pregnant. Six months. The other engaged. All the time we were bringing them home, I could only think about what happened with Rachel and Julie. What you would feel if it was me in one of those boxes. I just can't… Steph, I can't… imagine not coming home to you, leaving you alone, maybe widowed, or pregnant. I… You need to stay away from me. I need to stay away from you. You need to find someone; a man who'll be around. Who'll stay around. Who'll look after you. A good man, a steady man." His last sentence was almost a whisper, "A man like Rachel found for Julie…" Ahh, there it was. The reason. His pain over losing Julie, it was almost tangible. He saw himself losing me, as much as me losing him.

The tears were coursing down my own face by now. I renewed my tight hold on him, "I don't want any other man. I want you. I need you. I nearly died inside when you said you were rethinking our relationship. That hurt so much. I know that you not coming home from your mission would hurt, badly, but dumping me and not coming home to me hurt too, Carlos. It hurt. Please. Please don't throw us away on a maybe. I know the risks. I'm willing to take the risk. Please, Carlos. Please…" I was begging and buried my head this time in his shoulder. His arms tightened again, and he lowered his head to mine and we held each other.

I don't know how long we sat like that, just holding each other in comfort, until I heard a very soft knock and the door open very quietly behind us. I didn't look up but saw Carlos' face lift from my shoulder to scowl at the door. The door closed again quietly.

We continued to sit there taking solace in holding each other after months apart. I knew we still had a very long way to go, such a lot to discuss and resolve. But for the first time in weeks, I felt hope.

Eventually, there was a soft knock, and the door opened again. Carlos scowled again, but this time the door opened wider and three burly men stepped into the office with determination. Marco, Lester, and Tank walked in, Les and Tank carrying chairs, while Marco took the guest chair I had been sitting in previously. I stayed on Carlos' lap, watching curiously as Tank shut the door behind him, and they all took seats.

Carlos' face took on a resigned expression. He took a breath and let it out in a small huff. Then he said, "Two team members killed. Both were in relationships. One about to become a father. I… I don't want to put Steph through that." He trailed off, seeming not to know how to continue.

The men looked like this was both unexpected and expected to hear. Perhaps they had not really expected Carlos to share anything without a battle, but not surprised at the reasoning. Tank asked, "Shrink?" Carlos actually rolled his eyes at that.

"Of course. Debrief. But you know how that goes…"

I'm sure I looked puzzled. I said, "I don't know how that goes. What do you mean?"

Carlos seemed unable to answer, and Tank looked uncomfortable. Eventually, Lester spoke, "We're required to see a psychiatrist for evaluation after any traumatic event while deployed, Steph. But they… they're not really invested in your mental health. They just want to hear you say you're ready to go again, that you want to go home to your family. And if you say you're not, well… you worry it will affect your career. It's never explicitly told to you in Ranger school or anything, but it's kind of an unwritten law. Don't complain. Don't get emotional. Compartmentalize. Hide your feelings. You get into the pattern after a while. And mental health is almost a dirty word. Unless you're in full-blown PTSD, most vets won't go the V.A." He went silent then.

I looked at Carlos, "Do you have PTSD?" I asked hesitantly.

He looked at me, "Most likely. Probably I've suffered from PTSD to varying degrees for years; we all have. Even Marco, the police force is not that different from the military in that way. It's almost inevitable. They prepare you to kill, they prepare you for death, from the perspective of how; but they don't really prepare you for what happens afterward. How you will feel; how to process it. PTSD… it really depends on what you mean. I recognise some of the symptoms in myself; hypervigilance, emotional lockdown, … even thinking and planning how to kill people in any scenario. It's almost automatic for me. I don't get some of the symptoms like nightmares or physical pain. It's not debilitating, at least, it hasn't been…"

I almost whispered the next question, "Will you get help now?"

Carlos looked almost trapped at that, but after a couple of minutes of internal struggle, he seemed to come to a conclusion. "For you," he whispered eventually, "for you I will." I broke down again at that and tried to muffle my sobs against his chest.

Tank stood and held out his fist for Carlos to bump as he said, "We're here for you man. Anything you need." Lester nodded and repeated Tank's fist-bump. They left, carrying their chairs again.

Marco seemed to still have something to say. He hesitated before speaking quietly, "When I decided to leave the force, I was a bit of a mess. I hid it well, except from my girlfriend at the time, Sophia. But behind the scenes, I was on anxiety meds, I had headaches, suicidal thoughts, mood swings. I was angry all the time and medicating myself with alcohol. One night, I found myself standing over Sophia while she was lying on the sofa, cringing as I threatened her because she changed the channel when I didn't want her to. It was like I was standing outside my body, watching. I knew I was in trouble, and I knew I had to get out. When I went into the force, I wanted to protect and serve, but too many gang shootings, too many drugged-out pushers pulling knives and guns, too many drive-by-s, they really screwed me up. So, I started to get help. Saw a therapist, quit drinking, and realised I really needed to get out of the force before I imploded."

Carlos and I were listening intently. He took a deep breath and continued, "You came along with your proposal for us to build Rangeman at just the right time. I got out of the force and got help to deal with the PTSD. So, in a way, Carlos, you helped to save me." He looked directly in Carlos' eyes then, his face a blazing mask of determination, "So, let us help you now. If you're willing to accept help. One more thing; it was too late for me and Sophia. She just didn't feel safe with me anymore. Don't let it be too late for you, Carlos. For you and Stephanie. What you have is too important to throw away, too precious not to fight for. Do whatever you have to and beg for her forgiveness on your knees. Hold on to her because she can help you more than anyone else to be human again. To feel like a whole person again. Hold on because you have to." He finished a little awkwardly, but still with conviction.

Carlos stood, lifting me gently from his lap and putting me down in his chair, before he moved around the desk to grasp Marco in a manly, back-slapping hug. I didn't hear what he murmured to Marco, but Marco smiled at me slightly before moving out of the office and closing the door again behind him. Carlos stood looking at the door for several seconds before he moved back around to pick me up out of the chair and settle me back on his lap as we sat again.

He murmured in my ear, 'But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep'. I recognised the quote for what it meant and took my own deep breath and finally relaxed.

We'd be ok. Eventually, we'd be ok.

Quote is from:

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost 1874 – 1963

Take care and see you all soon!