Another week, another update! Enjoy!

LEVI POV

The rest would do the brat some good. Assuming she was actually resting, which of course she probably wasn't. Levi sighed and set his gear back on his table, fully cleaned and tended to, ready for another training day or mission, or whatever. The days had begun to kind of merge. It had almost been two weeks, he was sure of it, and it had confirmed his worst fears. He missed her. He rolled his eyes at himself and put the gear away. His paperwork was also done, so all that was left for the day was having dinner, taking a shower and going to sleep. He sighed again. How was it that such small interactions each day could amount to such an important part of his life? The day-to-day just didn't feel right without her cropping up. Appearing round a corner too fast, causing her to crash into someone. Her stood chatting on the stairs, or laughing with someone in the stables. Perched on the edge of a Mess-Hall table or blowing the steam from her afternoon tea. It was incredible how much he had gotten used to seeing her around the place. How much he missed her not being there.

"Get a grip you moron." He muttered, yanking his door open and heading for the mess-hall.

The usual noise burbled around the place.

"Good evening, Captain." Petra waved from an otherwise empty table. "The boys scattered to get their showers early, so I've been rather abandoned. Join me?"

He took his tray of food over, settling down and pouring them both some water. Petra was easy company; she kept conversation light and never minded silence. Eld and Gunter tended to trip over themselves to force conversation and Oluo seemed to spend an awful lot of time trying to imitate Levi's speech. It was like talking to a warped mirror. But with Petra he knew he could simply eat in peac–

"You miss her, don't you?"

Levi slowly lowered his fork and stared at one of his newest Squad members. Strawberry blonde hair, bright eyes, a sweet face and a damn good talent on the gear; but in that moment he had to revert his previous opinion. She was awful company. The worst. She was apparently observant. Dammit.

It was a long shot, but he would try playing dumb. "Who?"

She set her lips tight, very unimpressed. And beyond that, clearly not buying his ignorance. He set down his cutlery and sipped his water. It would be easy enough to tell her to step back, to remember who she is talking to, or even order her to drop the subject. But something told him not to. An instinct maybe. Or simply a want to actually talk to someone about it.

He cleared his throat. "And you noticed this, how?"

"Permission to speak openly, sir?"

He raised a brow. "You aren't already?"

She smiled sweetly and he waved a hand for permission.

"Thank you, sir. Well you kept glancing when someone with reddish hair went past, and again if someone said Robin Johansen's name. So there's that, and the fact that you've been especially grumpy since she left."

It had been that obvious? Well, probably not to anyone else, but it seemed Ral's attention to detail on the field also applied to everyday life. But he couldn't deny her claims. For one thing, he'd not slept well since that night Sente had acted like an animal. The bastard was locked up, but still, it infuriated Levi to think that any of his cadets were at risk under his watch. And had Sanshi or the other girl not been fast enoug– He kept trying to avoid that train of thought. Which was usually when he jolted awake from another unsuccessful doze. And then the red hair. No one's was as bright as Sanshi's, but the light would catch their hair and he would automatically look. Why? He had no idea. But his eyes were drawn there again and again. And then again and again he felt the sting of disappointment. As for the name… He kept foolishly thinking she might have come back too soon. That she had gone against orders and wasn't allowing herself proper recovery.

He clasped his hands. "Especially grumpy?"

"Mm. You usually at least indulge Gunter when he starts on one of his jokes, but the past two weeks there's been little to no leeway there at all. So I just figured I'd ask. I fully understand if you wish to just tell me to butt-out though." She continued to smile, the slight blush indicating that she was probably at least slightly nervous on how much she might be reprimanded. But she had every right to question her Squad Leader if he was showing signs of being distracted. And he was. He had been. Until Sanshi returned, and was hopefully recovered, he likely would be. Beyond that, she might well be concerned for her friend. Ral and Sanshi had known each other since training. He could appreciate the bond.

"I'm sorry." He closed his eyes. "Seems my professionalism has slipped lately, and that's not fair on you, or the rest of the squad."

She laughed. "Apology appreciated, sir, but not needed. I'm asking simply out of concern for you."

"Oh…"

"Not a lot shakes you, and you seem very shaken indeed." She tilted her head. "And I get it, sir, I do. Robyn has a way of getting under people's skin without even really meaning to. Just part of her character, I guess. But I haven't ever seen her affect someone quite like she seems to have with you."

He had been an obvious fool, and not only that, but to one of his Squad Members. Someone who was meant to be able to rely on him, now likely saw him as an idiot.

"I'm not sure when it started, but yes. You're… Well, you're totally correct, Petra."

"I'm well aware of that." She snorted, looking very amused when he finally dragged his eyes back to her. "I just fancied hearing you admit it out loud. So are you going to actually do something about it?"

He blinked. Thus far he had considered Petra Ral many things; dependable, skilled, kind, generally a little too cheery, tough when needed but overall a gentle person. Now? She was rather terrifying. He swallowed hard and looked over his shoulder, though in all honesty he had already guessed no one was within earshot. Petra was also rather good at being subtle, which he was very grateful for in that moment.

"And what would you suggest? I'm her Captain, I can hardly–"

"You wouldn't be doing anything as her Captain, I'd assume." Petra raised a brow and smirked. "You've been getting worse for a few months now, doesn't seem like it's going away on its own, and she's certainly not going to pick up on it herself. So do something about it. Talk to her."

"You're being oddly pushy about this." He sipped his tea. "Any particular reason?"

"I care about you both, and you're going to bloody regret it if you never say a damn thing about it." She folded her arms and frowned. "I had my suspicions a while ago, but when you went tearing after her in that Titan mouth I knew–"

"I'd have done that for anyone." He glared.

"Maybe, you wouldn't have been as frantic about it. You know how easily we can lose people out there. I don't want to see you caught up in the regret of never having said a damn thing before her lucky breaks finally run out." Petra swallowed hard and looked down for a moment, a tell-tale shine coming to her eyes that gave Levi a sinking feeling.

She was right. He knew she was right. Had Sanshi died on that mission, he'd have loathed himself for not at least taking the chance. So why wasn't he doing it now? Before the next mission? Because he was a damned coward, that was why. Or, because he knew it would just be a huge mess and he was trying to save them all a headache.

Petra looked back up and gave another smile, albeit more reserved that time. "Just think about it, sir, please?"

"From scolding to placating, nice tactic." He snorted and set down his tea. "I'll think about it."

"Good enough for me. Now then, I'm due on patrol. Have a good evening, sir." She dipped her head and left, a whistle on her lips and slight skip in her step.

He watched his tea as it rippled from being placed back onto the table. How long had Ral been planning on speaking up about it? When he took on his new squad, he had known they were all good people, he had known they were a pretty tightly knit group as well. But he hadn't quite expected to be taken into that group so much. They respected him, yes. But perhaps they also liked him? He continued with his meal and tried his best to keep his own advice in mind: Don't get attached.

ROBYN POV

Back at Scout HQ, it was straight back to work. No surprises there. Our next mission was a couple of weeks away, depending on how the weather was fairing. A solid two days of dry weather was preferable – horses tended to run better when the ground wasn't turning to soup beneath their hooves. So hopefully in the next two weeks we got an opening. With a mission looming, it would be easy to assume a sense of dread would hang over the barracks. But no. A buzz took to the air. A sense of fidgeting. As Scouts, we wanted to be out there, we wanted to take back our land and beat the shitheads back. And being amongst the trainees had hardly helped me with my impatience. Whilst glad of the leave, and the chance to regroup after Jack's mania, I was eager to get back to work. So as soon as I got back to the barracks, as the fires were being lit and the late night patrols were headed out, I headed for the Commander's office. I needed a progress report on my team. He gave me a full report, as expected, and by the time I was sat at breakfast the next morning, I had a fresh plan for the training days ahead.

It wasn't clear to me what Mike had done or said in my absence, but I saw an extra note of attention in their eyes as my team stared back at me on the training grounds. A new sense of urgency. Perhaps he had scared them somehow? Or, heavens forbid, he had spent a little too long fluffing up my reputation. I'd have to check. We ran drills, we did manoeuvre runs, we even practised reattaching gear once it was struck off during a fall. Like a well-oiled set of gear, we moved as one. But as the dinner bell rang, and our faces were flushed with a hard day's work, we all beamed as well.

Damn, maybe I should bugger off on holiday more often.

"Hey… Robyn?" Isla sipped her water and perched on a nearby crate as she started dismantling her gear for cleaning. I nodded, sitting alongside to do the same. "Can I… Well, me and the others were wondering if we could ask you about some stuff?"

"Uhm, what stuff? The birds and the bees? Economic impact of Titan attacks… what?" I chuckled, but her pursed lips and the similarly sober looks on the others faces stopped my tittering. "Seriously guys, what is it? Ask away."

"Well we wanted to apologise first." Isla cleared her throat, and the other three all nodded. I stayed quiet, raising my brow. What did they have to apologise for? "We weren't exactly great to you in the beginning. As you know we made our own uhm… assumptions about how you got the role…"

"Yeah, you thought I shagged my way into it." I offered, noting how they all blushed. I snorted. "I mean, I get it. Six months in, comes back in a damn waggon from a mission, then gets her own team? Bit suspicious."

"Y-Yeah… but then we actually met you, and then Hane was speaking to people about how you helped her with Jack and… Well it clearly didn't fit. You earned this. You… You do a great job, too."

I blinked. "Did Mike threaten you guys or something?"

They all looked shocked.

Isla glared. "Excuse me? I'm paying you a damned compliment! I don't need threatened in order to do that!"

I bit my lip. "Sorry, it's caught me off guard. I'm glad you don't think I sucked someone off for the squad leader position, but seriously guys, what the heck brought this all on?"

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "I told you lot she'd be a weirdo about it."

"I'll pay up later." Jacob smirked before looking to me and smiling properly. "We just wanted to make it real clear, Robyn. We're on your team, in name and everything else. Mike said some stuff sure, but it's more like he pulled our heads out of our asses than anything else."

I pursed my lips against another chuckled. "Yeah, he's good at that. Thanks… Thanks for clarifying. Now go clean your gear and get some rest. Sheesh." I slumped back against the wall and scraped my hair back into its tie.

It was sweet of them to clear the air, not that I thought there was anything else that needed cleared. But still, the thought was a sweet one. My body ached after training, but in a satisfying way. Despite everything that had been going on recently, I felt ready for this next mission. My team felt ready.

Then again, I thought that last time, didn't I?

Then again, I'm still going to be on the mission, so it's ultimately doomed, isn't it?

My lips clamped against the vile thought. It wasn't true, I knew that, the Captain knew that, and yet the guilt remained. Shit. Would it ever leave? A sigh left me and I hung my head for a moment. The images flickered through my mind; from the moment I had to try and rectify Jack's wrongful launch, to the moment I was released from those stinking jaws, to when I was thrown aside and the Captain was grabbed. My body shuddered. The image stained my thoughts, repeating in my dreams like some awful tune from a pub shanty. Haunting me. Captain Levi in the beast's fist, his blade doing little against its meaty flesh, his face contorting in pain as it tried to squeeze the life out of his body. All because he saved me. Idiot. No doubt there would be more to it than that, he wouldn't have only gone in for my sake, but still… Too much was put at risk for my sake. I was meant to be here to help, to make it worthwhile, right? That I was still here to fight while… While…

A sticky feeling lingered against my fingertips. I flinched. No. Don't look. It wasn't there, it was all gone and cleaned away when he had died. Vincent was dead. There was no more blood to be cleaned. It was gone.

I peeked.

Dammit, why did I peek?

Red flecks dewed around my fingernails, my fingers streaked in ruby. I put my hands down and got up from the crate.

"Hey, Robyn! Want me to put your gear away?" Jon jogged over, glancing at my hands when I moved them behind my back. What did he see? Filthy smeared red stains? No. No he didn't you damned idiot, he saw nothing, because nothing was there. Breathe.

I clenched my hands tight behind myself. "Mhm, that would be great, thanks."

"You okay?"

"Just a headache, gonna get some water and get out of the heat." I kept my head down and moved inside, but the walls were wobbling already and my breathing was thin. My bedroom was too far away, so I made do with a supply closet.

With the door closed, I drew a long breath and pressed my head against the shelves. The temptation to run for the nearest bathroom bubbled under my skin, egging me on to find a scrub brush and run the water as hot as it would go. Burn it out. Scald it away. Damn rat. Nothing but a useless, filthy rat. Shit. I thunked my head off the shelves, driving that drunken voice from my mind.

Don't listen, Little Bird. Don't listen.

Quite right, Mum. Don't listen. I opened my eyes and stared at a sack of flour in front of me, the small cupboard smelling of wood and produce. A smirk pulled at my lips. Hiding in cupboards again. Well, at least it wasn't the scrub-brush. We all had our survival tactic though – at least, that was what Keza used to say. She told me off so many times for over-cleaning my hands. Lost her patience a few times as well, especially when I accidentally made myself sick with it once. Did she have her own tactic? How often did she need to rely on it? Maybe she was just being kind. Maybe she had her own quirks I never found.

The door opened.

I jumped at the sudden influx of afternoon light.

"Sanshi?" The Captain drawled, his unimpressed gaze only interrupted by his raised brow. My cheeks burned, but I stepped out of the cupboard anyway, him only slightly moving and then closing the door once I was out. He looked me over. "Getting familiar with the potatoes?"

"They get lonely, sir."

"Mm. Saw you leave your team pretty sharp. Figured you really had to take a shit or something. Didn't think there was any rush to see in this cupboard though…"

"Panicky potatoes are no joke." I smoothed myself down, a little curious as to why he had even been watching me that closely. But that wasn't really the issue. He probably just saw me acting like a loon and got curious. Considering my recent record, keeping an eye on me was a good idea, I guess.

His incredulous expression persisted as he reached and plucked a splinter from between my brows. Ow. I rubbed the spot and he flicked the small thread of wood away.

He frowned. "How is your team doing?"

"Fine, sir."

"Training went well today?"

"Very, sir." I kept my eyes low.

"Good." He clicked his tongue. "Then you'll join me and my squad for some hand-to-hand. Be at the ring in ten minutes." He walked away.

I baulked. "But, sir!"

"What? Got something better to be doing?"

My mouth closed. Well yes, sleeping, showering, drinking a big ass cup of tea and then some more sleeping if my current level of 'oh god let me sit my arse down' was anything to go by.

He nodded and kept moving. "Didn't think so. Ten minutes. Don't keep us waiting."

The hell was his problem now?

As a punishment for ducking out of duties it wasn't so bad, certainly not as bad as having to do laps of the barracks grounds until sundown anyway. That had happened more than once, and my legs were always made of water the next morning. So this was a kindness by comparison. But it was still weird. Hand-to-hand was one of my known strengths, even if I relied mainly on instinct rather than technique. But it still led to plenty of times with Gunter, Eld, and Mike flat on their backs. Fair enough, not the Captain, but I reckoned that would take a lot of luck, him being distracted as hell, or beyond exhausted himself. Or all three at once. Likely that.

Regardless, it wouldn't be wise to keep him waiting.

Fuck I'm tired…

Dun dun duuun! Hand-to-hand training incoming! Thanks for reading, following, faving and leaving reviews, shoutouts below! Cya next week! ^-^

SHOUTOUTS:

Linden Len: Welcome aboard! So glad you're enjoying it, I'm thrilled to know new and old readers can enjoy the story. Hope you continue to do so! And thanks for chiming in, always lovely to hear from readers.

Bechilldarling: I had sooo much fun writing her with the 104th kids to be honest, it got kind of sidelined and overshadowed in the first iteration of the story, so being able to focus on those connections a bit more was a great opportunity. And yeah, having more of a grip on what I wanted Robyn's character to be from the start has really helped me shape her interactions! I'm glad that's coming across for you ^-^ thanks so much for chiming in again, so good to know folks are enjoying as they continue!