And here we have it, another week, another update! Hope you enjoy ^-^

ROBYN POV

The day before Mission day.

We had trained, we had prepared, and now all we could do was prove it had been worthwhile. Sanshi Squad's first mission; with some luck and a shit tonne of determination, not our last. I checked their equipment with them, feeling the pressure build behind my eyes as the regiment readied to leave for Trost. It would take us a good while to get there, then we would stay in the outlier district overnight, before leaving from Trost's gates the next morning. Assuming the heaven's hadn't opened and drowned the plains.

"Breathe, Robyn." A small pebble bounced off my head and Isla winked as she got onto her horse. "You're getting the horses spooked with all your fidgeting."

"Oi, I'm allowed to be a bit skittish here, I'm all mother-hen right now." I fussed with the buckle on Jon's saddle, which was perfectly fine, but it was like if I didn't stand there and mess about with it, it would magically disappear and he'd be left swinging from a loose saddle.

Jon snorted. "We got this. You trained us well, and we've all been out there already, right?"

"Right." I sighed and put my head against his knee. He ever-so-slightly patronisingly patted my head. "You guys are going to be great."

The head patting finally stopped, and Jon smiled down at me. "Guess it feels different huh?"

"Giving orders instead of just taking them? Yeah… A lot different. I look forward to hearing how you guys feel about it someday."

"Oh, hear that Jacob?" Jon beamed.

Jacob looked back. "Huh? What? She checking your saddle again?"

"We're gonna have our own squads in no time."

They laughed together and I rolled my eyes as I walked away, unable to avoid a little smile falling into place. Sure, they were teasing me, but that also gave me hope. If they were calm enough to joke, they were confident enough in me. I really had no idea how Commander Erwin, Captain Levi, or even Hanji did it though. Their own squads, own regiments even. So many lives on their orders. I swallowed hard and looked ahead as we were called into the line up, ready to head for Trost. How would it feel tomorrow, when we lined up to charge through the gate and then fan out into Commander Erwin's special formation? I almost wished we were headed out there right away. Less waiting. Less anticipation.

But my team were right. We could do this. We were ready.

If we weren't, we wouldn't have been cleared for active participation. Without my knowledge, the squad had been under careful watch from Mike, Hanji and Captain Levi alike, each making their own assessments of the team's cohesiveness and ability to serve. Seemed that we had passed with flying colours. Good to know. Would have been nice to also know about the surveillance, but never mind.

Since the strange hand-to-hand debacle, the Captain had been nowhere near me, avoiding almost any and all contact. I asked Petra if he had mentioned anything – not likely, but it was irritating me that I was made to feel guilty. Not that he said I'd done anything, but it's me, so naturally I assumed I'd fucked something up. But according to her, no. Nothing to report. If my name came up, he was perfectly normal. Not that I expected him to be grimacing, rolling his eyes or storming off at the very mention of me, but still. Regardless of his weird attitude since, or his ridiculousness at the time, I had taken note of his concern.

Find something new to fight for. Right. I could do that.

I hadn't found it yet, but there was plenty to be riding homeward for. My team still needed me, and the regiment too. There was more that I could do for this world. More to change and help, to make my survival worthwhile. Maybe that was it? Continue to strive for it being worth it, that I had lived whilst my mother and brother died. Unless that made it too dark? I dunno. What quantifies a good motivation?

"Good morning, sir!" Nadia barked and I heard the impact of her fist hitting her chest from where I was riding in front of her. I glanced back, noting her faint blush as she nodded to the man in question.

Captain Levi nodded in return and she looked to Isla, as if checking for confirmation she had done a salute at all. Apparently he still had plenty of fans fawning over him. Not that I blamed her. He was attractive, of course, but dammit if he didn't annoy me a hell of a lot as well. I was sure, if I had ever taken the time to confide in my team about the weird Captain's attention to my mental state, Nadia would have swooned at the idea at so much time one on one with the man. As it was, I was thoroughly sick of it. At least, if he intended to continue being so bloody obtuse towards me and cryptic. It wasn't that I was simple in terms of stupidity – I had my daft moments, but generally I'm not too bad – but I was certainly simple in terms of a lack of fuss. Just fucking say what you mean.

His eyes caught mine and he frowned.

Of course he bloody did.

I dipped my head. "Captain."

"Ready for this, Sanshi?"

"Better be, right?"

He nodded and rode onwards to where his own squad would be waiting. Good luck guys. But I know he would keep them safe, if nothing else, I knew that much about the man. As much as he liked to spout it not being my job to save my own team, I knew he would put up one hell of a fight for his own. Hypocrite. Pain in the arse. Weirdo.

I may have stuck my tongue out when he turned away.

Nadia breathed out. "He terrifies me."

Isla snorted. "And something else. You're looking a bit flush there."

"Hey, shut it, I told you about that in confidence."

Jon laughed loudly. "You tell everyone every time you look at him."

I peered over my shoulder and gave her a sorry smile. "Yeah… You kinda do."

She pouted. "How can you talk to him so easily? Don't you at least find him scary if not… the other thing."

"Oh he's definitely the other thing, don't worry about that. But as for scary… I dunno, I guess I've just had one too many conversations with him, or seen him look forlornly at a mop too often to find him scary anymore." I grinned as she bit her lip and giggled behind her hand. "It'll get easier, I swear. Who knows, do your hair like a mop and you might be in with a chance."

Jacob cackled. "Cleaning implement fetish, fucking knew it."

A flare pierced the sky.

Any moment now, the formation would move and we'd be on our way to Trost.

I turned to them all and nodded. "First step."

The formation moved out and the tension eased in my gut. Movement, action, it all helped keep me focused on what was ahead of me, rather than what might drag behind. It seemed like every pound of my horse's hooves cleared the air that little bit more. Less smoke. Less dank basement. I could breathe freer, and think clearer. Did that make it a betrayal to my mother and brother? I didn't like to think so. As much as I mourned them, I had to keep living. Right?

We passed through smaller towns and villages. Some folks waved, others watched impassively. Not many bothered to get actively angry as we passed through – likely because they knew we were moving so fast their poison wouldn't really land. And they were right. We strode ahead. Their vile small-mindedness didn't matter. Not now. They would hopefully get a chance to be vile when we were on our way back home instead.

Moving fairly slow, to not push the horses too soon without reason, we made it to Trost as the afternoon waned. Wall Rose sat before us, and we headed for the large stables just inside the walls. It was a bit basic, slapped together when Trost became the main exit point for Scouting missions after the fall of Maria. But it worked. And our lodgings were through the gate, inside the city.

We sorted the horses, unattached our packs and headed for lodgings. Locals were used to our presence by now. Apparently the first time the Scouts had to stay overnight before a mission, there had been people lining the streets to voice their approval, as well as their disdain. Support for Wallists had grown a bit intense in certain areas, and as mad as they were, and as much as I had my own reasons to hate them, I could understand civilians wanting to cling to something. To believe in some greater power than the Titans. It didn't make sense to me. But I had seen enough kids clinging to teddy bears to get why it would be a comfort. I guess it had been a long time since I believed in anything but myself protecting me. Was that sad? Or independent? Or both?

I would be bunking with my squad, and as I saw the bunkbeds I snorted, being taken right back to the training camps with a wave of nostalgia. We unpacked, took off our gear and headed down for dinner. It was strange, so much excitement simmered under the surface, and yet we would make the most of this peace. A reprieve. The breath before the plunge. It shouldn't be wasted on worrying over what we might or might not encounter out there. We were ready. And right now, we were hungry.

We sat and ate, hushed conversations bubbling all around.

Jon nudged me as I sipped my tea. "You'll have a squad leader meeting to go to, right?"

"Mhm, a debrief on any equipment issues on the ride over, and contingency stuff for if it's raining. Hopefully it doesn't, but the regiment has lingered in Trost for a full week before, waiting on a suitable Mission window."

Isla bit her lip. "Ugh, I hope not."

"Not a fan of the bunkbeds?" I tilted my head.

"Heh, well there is that. But mainly, I dunno that my nerves could take that. And then I'd also feel compelled to visit my family."

I blinked. "There is an allowance for those local to Trost to go see their families briefly tonight. Why not take advantage of that?"

"Guilt trips from Mum and over affectionate proud blubbering from Dad." She snorted and shook her head. "I just don't want that noise in my head for tomorrow morning."

"Fair enough." I nodded, having been wondering why anyone would avoid a chance to see their family, but then realising how foolish that was. There was zero reference for me when it came to others' families. My own was messed up enough. My mother had been wonderful, my brother too, but there was no way I would have ever sought out Vincent's company. Thankfully it seemed more just an emotional tax that Isla wanted t o avoid, rather than anything more sinister. That was encouraging. I liked to think of my team having solid families to come home to.

"Squad leader meeting in five minutes!" Mike barked over the room before disappearing.

I finished my tea and set my plate aside for cleaning. "See you guys later."

"Good luck!" Jacob grinned.

The room was decently sized, but with us all crammed in there, it felt quite intimate. A couple saddles had caused problems on the way here, and some flare guns seemed to be rattling. Thankfully I had nothing to report from my own team, and I was able to confirm a successful second check of everything before we'd left the stables.

And then Commander Erwin went over the plan again.

It was nice to have the refresher, but I still let my gaze wander the room, wondering how the other squad leaders were feeling. Most were just concentrating. As my eyes cast around, I caught sight of Captain Levi, fairly near the front, beside Commander Erwin. His grey eyes were honed in on the maps under the Commander's hands, but as my gaze lingered, the Captain's eyes flickered up to mine.

He seemed surprised to meet my gaze.

Typically, a frown appeared and he looked down again, jaw tight. So even the sight of me pissed him off? Ridiculous man. If I saw him outside, in the corridors or courtyard, I'd have half a mind to give him a talking to. Then again, did I actually have that nerve? I had no idea. It was sort of like considering how you would tackle your first Titan. Until you did it, you had no idea. I had imagined my own first as being cool, collected and polished. When in fact I had yelled at the top of my lungs and stumbled my way to an eventual kill, having lost a blade in the process and my lunch soon after. Very polished indeed.

The Captain didn't 'scare' me per say. But he had started to unnerve me. A sense of not knowing where I stood; in his good graces, or the shithouse. No idea. Was I liked? Hated? Respected? Pitied? I had no idea. And that was the worst part. Not knowing, and continuously guessing. Not that I had managed to figure out why I cared about his opinion either.

Nevermind. Just focus on the meeting.

If he didn't care enough to explain himself, I didn't have to care at all.

LEVI POV

The usual noise began from Erwin, another run down of a plan they all had burned into the backs of their skulls by that point. But still, it was part of the routine. Not many were openly superstitious, but Levi knew several Scouts took comfort in the fact they could predict this part. Once you were beyond the gates, nothing was certain. But what he hadn't predicted was finding Sanshi looking his way when he finally took his chance to see how she was doing. Being in her first squad leader debrief had to be daunting. All he had wanted was to see if she was calm, sweating or fidgeting all over the place. But instead, she stared right at him. Hazel locked on. Bright, lively, warm, unflinching. Beautiful. He looked away, the last word nearly bringing a scoff to his lips. It was true, of course, but the ongoing weakness it represented stung. Not that it was weak to find someone attractive, but that he was allowing himself to blur that line. A line that would likely keep them both a lot safer. But despite that logic, his mind wouldn't let go.

It seemed that Petra had been talking sense.

Again.

Earlier that day, before they rode out for Trost, with everyone raring to go, and that strange anxious excitement buzzing in the air, Levi had been making final checks of the whole line. But as he passed by Sanshi, without managing to not speak to her, he found himself defeated. Petra had said he couldn't even go past Sanshi without pausing to comment, or have a lingering look. He had called her foolish and yet…

"Was I right?" Petra smirked, patting her own horse, raised brow seemingly all knowing despite her young years.

He clicked his tongue. "Her subordinate practically begged for acknowledgement, I'm not about to be rude to avoid proving your point, Petra."

"Mhm, and you just happened to strike up a conversation with Robyn?"

"I wouldn't call that much of a conversation."

She nodded and raised her brows, glancing back despite the fact he knew they were too far ahead to actually see Sanshi's squad. Still, he glanced. Petra chuckled and shook her head. He gritted his teeth, wishing Ral wasn't quite so good at reading people.

She closed her eyes and enjoyed the sunshine for a moment. "All I'm saying sir, is that I may have been right, okay? That's all. Do with the information whatever you want, but you do look at her in a certain way."

"I didn't ever intend to be so obvious."

He hadn't meant to sound so defeated, but there it was, hanging in the air. Petra's eyes slowly opened and she looked to him with that slight crease in her brow. No doubt worrying if she had teased too much or pushed too far. She hadn't. All she had done was point out that someone else had spotted his attachment, and made it clear that it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. People got attached. That was fine. What wasn't normal – according to Petra – was fighting it so damned hard.

"Obvious to me sir, yes. But not to her."

He raised a brow. "No?"

"No, you'd need to spell it out pretty clearly, I reckon. Unless she just started guessing things…" Petra laughed softly and put a hand to her mouth. "Though if it gets to that point sir, I would advise just getting on with it."

Levi cleared his throat. "I appreciate the advice, but I see no reason to–"

"If you don't? She'll assume the worst. That's all I mean." She shrugged at his frown. "It's what she does."

"That's ridiculous."

"That's Robyn." She laughed and then he pinched the bridge of his nose. Petra hummed. "Fair enough, sir. Dropping it."

"Thank you."

The conversation echoed in his mind as he stared at Erwin's desk. If nothing else, clearly Sanshi had noticed his odd behaviour. Even if she hadn't before, their hand-to-hand had definitely blown any pretence away. Now she would wonder why he had been looking in the meeting, or at least why he had looked away and scowled. He only realised he was scowling when a small ache appeared in his jaw. And knowing her, she would be coming to entirely the wrong conclusion. That could be bad. It could make her doubt him at the wrong time, doubt his intentions as a leader. That couldn't happen. It could lead to the worst kind of wasteful loss. And they had a mission in front of them.

He had to talk to her.

All he had to do was clear the air, that was all. With that done, they could carry on as comrades, and he would work on moving past his foolish notions of affection. Voice it. Have it rejected. Move on. Best outcome for everyone. And in all honesty, likely the least embarrassing. Petra didn't seem to be indicating at any point that she thought it was impossible that Sanshi would feel similarly in return, but she also hadn't said she knew for certain either.

The room began to empty.

He unstuck himself from the spot and walked slowly, allowing more bodies to file out of the way, until he was within arms reach of Sanshi. She paused to let someone leave before her, when her eyes cast back and caught Levi's once again. Hazel caught him tight and he stalled.

"Sir?" She looked at him blankly, but slowly a brow raised. "Are you headed out?

"I wanted a word with you."

She blinked. "Sure… Here or…?"

"If possible, I'd prefer to clear the air away from nosy brats." He sighed, forcing the words out one by one, sounding as stilted as ever.

She pursed her lips and nodded, glancing behind him, towards Erwin. No doubt the blonde was craning as much as he could, without making it obvious, to listen in. No doubt he and Hanji had bets on how long this strangeness would continue. If Hanji had noticed. It was hard to tell what that psycho knew or not beyond her Titan pets.

"All right, how about in the courtyard? Sound… Suitable?" She was speaking carefully, like she expected him to lash out if she put a word wrong. But not in the sense of her being afraid of him, more like she was worried she might break him. It was hardly a good tone, but better than fear.

"Meet me in my quarters, I've no intention of having an audience." He gestured her forward. "Know where you're going?"

"Yup."

"All right then. I'll meet you there in a moment."

"Mm." She nodded and headed out, shaking her head slightly.

He glanced back at the Commander and rolled his eyes at the knowing look that was being shot in his direction. "Shut it, Erwin."

"I didn't say a word."

"Fuck off."

Levi drew a long breath and made for his quarters, well aware of how his hands kept clenching and unclenching. Clearing the air was one thing, but how did he do that without looking a total fool? Perhaps that wasn't the point. Maybe he had to just accept that he was a fool and go from there. His pride could take the bruises. He didn't have to tell her everything, just make it clear he held no anger. But he doubted she would be satisfied by that.

He climbed the stairs and paused outside his door. The handle was right there. All he had to do was reach out and turn it. His teeth clicked together. This was stupid. There was nothing to fear. Nothing to lose, really. Not anything that he had actually any idea what it was like to have anyway. He took a deep breath and headed inside.

Dun dun duuun! Lol, so here we are, the big ol' conversation is upon us! See you in a week ^-^ thanks for reading, following, faving and all that!