Oook I couldn't resist popping up an extra update. And it's another chonky one! Enjoy!
ROBYN POV
Red. Silver. Flames. Smoke. Steam. Screaming. Laughter. Stone floor. Wooden boards. Bloodied mud. Rain. Crackling flames. Running feet. Slashing blades. Scarred symbols. Jars of god knows what. Red. Brown. Black. Darkness, shadows, lamp light filtering through the floorboards above.
Where the hell am I?
My body was heavy, bruises littered from head to toe; falling down the stairs, his kicks, titan clasps, tumbling to the muck, taking the punishment instead of mother and john, training, it all adds up. Up and up. On and on. Layer upon layer. I was a patchwork quilt. Mum made beautiful quilts. John played on them in the sunshine. Vincent spilt drink on them or tracked mud into their threads. I swallowed. Bile burned the back of my throat. Keep running. Don't look back, don't think about it, just keep moving. Running away, you mean. You just have to outrun the bear. You should have died. Not us. Not us!
Why?
Why did I live?
Know your worth. What? What worth? The gutter was cold, but her smiles were warm. Live. Live dammit. Why? To make it worthwhile. Make it mean something. Drag yourself to your feet, scrape off the mud, wipe clean the blood, breathe. Move. Blood of the– no! Keep moving. Red. Brown. Silver. Hands that are never clean, never can be clean. There's not enough soap in the world to remove those stains. Red. Red everywhere. Burning. It burns dammit. What burns? The blood of the– Stop it! Stop. Stop the blood. The red burning blood.
"Dammit brat, wake up!"
I slammed against the mattress.
Colours faded from behind my eyelids, the panicked frenzy simmered to a gentle broil.
What? Where… Where am I?
I blinked.
Stormy grey eyes glared back at me, lit by a nearby lamp, burning in their concern. Captain? His brows were pinched in either anger or distress, his lips pressed into a thin line. My voice withered to a confused whine. I'd been yelling. How long had I been crying out? Shit. It felt like I'd been having the weirdest dream. But what about?
It faded to nothing.
My lips were dry, my throat ached, my eyes stung. Dried tears creaked against my cheeks, and trembling set into my frame as his strong hands slowly loosened on my shoulders. My Captain didn't move otherwise, his fingers softly kneading where he had gripped, as if worried for bruises.
I swallowed and tried to speak, to apologise, to ask what had happened, but only a croak escaped. Then it hitched. Another whine escaped. Reality stung my mind and grief gripped my heart. Shit. They were all gone. A cry brewed but I just clamped my hand over and held tight. Barely a whimper escaped.
My Captain sighed, waved someone off and pulled the curtain around my bed. Then he perched beside me. The infirmary was quiet otherwise, soft snores or deep breathing was all I could hear above the odd set of footsteps. Presumably it was fairly late. Or maybe very early?
"Water?" My Captain asked gently.
I nodded. He brought a glass over, helping prop me up slightly as I took a few sips. He was wearing uniform, but his cravat wasn't in place, and the shirt looked at least a day old. Changed from the mission, but perhaps not again after that? Depended how long I had been in that bed. Then again, maybe he just got caught up in doing paperwork.
His eyes glanced at the lamp. "Too bright?"
I shook my head.
He closed his eyes, something rumbled around his mind for a moment, before those eyes opened again and focused on mine. Whatever he searched for, he found it. The corner of his lips twitched up for a mere second. Carefully he reached, eyes tightening in question, moving again when I gave a tiny nod. He brushed my hair back, fingers tracing along my cheekbone and then retracting.
"I thought you were gonna wake the whole HQ." He smirked. "You've been out for two days, they had to sedate you after you first woke up. Seems you're going in and out of fevers. They're thinking it's the rib injury."
I gripped my blankets.
He glanced towards the curtain. "Think you scared Mike half to death."
I bit my lip.
He shook his head. "It's fine, Brat. He's always been one to worry when it's a comrade he's keen to keep around."
A blush bloomed in my cheeks.
He set a book onto the bedside table. A wine label stuck out between the pages as a bookmark. How long had he been here with me? Watching over me. Somehow he didn't seem angry, or even disappointed. It was like I'd simply overdone it in training, and had fallen asleep in the stables. Instead of the truth. Instead of losing an entire team and nearly dying myself. Failure sunk deep.
Heat brewed in my chest and I tried to shift my weight to ease it, but no position was particularly comfortable.
"Try not to move too much. They set your ribs again and are hoping the infection is under control." He settled into a chair and sipped some tea, though no steam rose from the cup. "The nurses mentioned you might end up in another fever, so you're being kept here for a while yet. So just… Rest." He set the cup down and stared at it for a moment, a frown creasing his brow. "Can I ask something, Sanshi?"
It took a second, but I nodded.
"You… You didn't want me to intervene on the street, when Benon's father was being a thug… Was that for my benefit or yours?"
I swallowed, recalling how my Captain had jolted to a halt when I held my hand out. How he respected my wish for his involvement to at least be delayed. He listened.
He raised a brow. "Well? Point. For whose benefit was it?"
My lips pursed. The least he deserved was some honesty. I pointed to myself. Him being involved would have muddied things for the regiment, sure, but mainly I just wanted Isla's father to have a slice of justice. To punish me for my failings. To make it hurt. I think my Captain knew that, and he hated it.
A tightness took to his jaw, and his eyes slowly closed. "What did I say about making my job harder?"
My blush got brighter, and I mouthed the word 'sorry', still not trusting my voice.
He clicked his tongue and set his boots onto the bed, lounging a little. "Well you got your wish. A couple fractured ribs, possible concussion, bruises all over you and internal bleeding as well. Can't be sure what was from the field or him but… There's plenty of reason to stay still. They actually had to do surgery when you were brought in."
I swallowed hard and felt along my stomach, neat stitches running along my side.
He took up his book again. "You don't seem to have fucked it up with your flailing with Mike, but stay still for now. All you have to do at this point is recover, got it? Or do I need to make it an order?"
A wave of exhaustion pressed me back into my pillow, and my eyes took a lot more effort to open that time. He set his bookmark against his knee, a small smirk in place despite how he tried to hide it from me.
"Get some sleep, Sanshi."
I nodded and let my heavy eyelids close properly that time, the darkness behind my eyelids deep and sinking me into hopefully a dreamless oblivion. How he wasn't livid with me, I couldn't be sure. But until I could ask, I'd just assume he was being kind. In his abrupt and blunt way.
I'm flying.
No. I've been flung.
Soaring over the rain soaked battlefield, I watched Isla and Nadia run. I saw Jon and Jacob fall. I saw the formation carrying on regardless. We were lost. We wouldn't be found. I hit the muck. Landing in front of Nadia and Isla, my body broken, I reached for them, but they kept running.
"Guys… Do you have any g…" my question died as I tried to get to my feet, but was kicked back down.
Vincent loomed. He laughed. He pressed his boot to my throat as I scrambled at his leg. I had to run, to escape, to live. It had to be made worthwhile.
"You get it now, don't ya?" He cackled, his other boot kicking my ribs. "You get why I do all this? For you? For us? For the Sanshis?"
Another kick.
I turned and trudged after my team. How had I got up? Doesn't matter. I dragged my bad leg behind me, the dislocated shoulder he gave me for my sixth birthday stung, and the wound in my belly he gave me when I was seven burned. Keep moving. Don't look back. Make it worthwhile.
"Isla!" I choked, blood running down my chin from a split lip, a broken baby tooth, whatever. "Nadia! Wait!"
I wanted to throttle them for abandoning the formation, I wanted to pummel them into the ground for abandoning their comrades. For not trusting them. But for now I just had to get them away from it all, from the Titans, from Vincent, from me. I could berate them once they were safe.
Steps followed.
I kept trudging, speaking between my bloodied teeth. "That Fifteen is gonna come for us any second, you two need to be ready. I'm almost out of gas."
"Fuck that! We need to run!" Isla was hysterical, bloodied uniform glaring back at me, the split between her torso and legs jostling with every panicked step. She had to stop. Or else she'd fall apart.
I grabbed her arm but was immediately pushed aside by Vincent, he pressed me down into the muck and heat seared against my back. Over and over. A new scar. A new symbol. A new attempt to make his work worthwhile. Make it worthwhile.
"You can't outrun a Titan!" He laughed in my ear. "You'll see if they ever break that wall, if those bastards actually come here and make good on their threats. You can't outrun the past little rat! This is what I made you for, this is why you were born dammit!" Slice. Burn. Tear. "You will fulfil our purpose. I'll fix everything with this useless body of yours. You can't outrun our name!"
"I can try!" I screamed.
His laughter bellowed like thunder.
"Fuck you!" My voice merged with Isla and Nadia's.
I staggered back, mud giving way to the stone of HQ. Shit. Now I had to face the music. I had to make it all worthwhile; the Captain's faith in me, the Commander's trust, Mike's help, Petra's friendship, and Hanji's support. I had to make it okay. Somehow. How did I do that? I dunno. Nadia and Isla were down below, hobbling away. How did I get onto the roof? I dunno. Doesn't matter. I stayed put, but leaned closer, trying to see where it went wrong. Surely I could see it from up here?
My hands itched. I scrubbed at them.
You did this. Nadia choked on the words as they sunk into my mind. You killed them!
I wavered, dodging her flailing blade, sitting down on the wall nearby when I ducked under the blade she released and flung at my head. Good shot. Bit lower next time. I'm to blame. I have to deal with this alone. It was just fear talking, not Nadia. She hadn't just tried to stab me, fear had. They could run whilst I fought. Fine.
Ow. My head…
I tried to aim my wires onto the last Titan, something struck my back. They kicked off my gear.
"Stop!"
Like wires had wrapped around my middle, I couldn't move, they pulled me back from my prey, stopping me from making any of it worthwhile. Damn. No. I had to do this. Let them run away and let me fix it. Any of it. The flames would catch up if I didn't. I didn't mean to make you mad. Hurt me. Don't look at them, no. Put down the damned knife.
He laughed.
They ran.
I landed in a heap, those wires still holding me down to cold stone instead of wet mud. It made no sense. None of it did. What was the old proverb? You don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to run faster than the person behind you.
Wet warmth coated my lips as I grinned and laughed.
I faced the lumbering monster. Fifteen metres, inane grin, grabbing hands. Vincent. I'd let you get so out of control, hadn't I? Damn. My blood turned cold. Not because of the looming death, but because I knew my team was right. They decided what I deserved. And they were correct. I scrubbed at my hands, trying to stop the blood and gore staining there again. Not again. Please.
"H-How?" I garbled, blinking and seeing a cloudy sky above, rain falling. A face hovered above me, grey eyes wide and searching. "How'd it fall apart so q-quickly? We'd… W-We'd been such a good… good team. The trust. It was there. Right? B-But… But the second things got tricky… It fell apart. Why?" I sobbed. "What did I do wrong?"
"Sanshi?"
The two girls fled. Rain lashed harder against my face. Think. Just think and figure a way out. Steps approached from behind. Dammit. Think. I just needed a plan. Thunder closed in. His laughter. I'd never get away. I'm sorry Mum, I can't get away. Dammit. Why? Why can't I beat this cruel world? The Titan grabbed me, his laughter smothered me. The rain blinded me. The wind howled. The Titan lumbered forward.
"Just take me! Leave them alone, please!" I screamed, fighting the hand holding me down, holding me so tight my body burned from the steam. "Just fucking punish me! I'm the one you hate, I'm the one you want dead!"
The nape was so close. The steps so near. I just had to kill it. I just had to climb out of there. I just needed to save them. My team. My mother and brother.
The beast stopped.
"Robyn?"
Nadia screamed. "Kill it! Please! Kill it! I need to see my mother again! Kill it Robyn! No! Please! K—"
Too late. I kept dragging in the air, my tears blinding me. Keep moving you moron. Keep going.
"You should've died! Not us!"
I gripped my hair and curled in on myself. I'd killed so many. My mother. My brother. Vincent. Isla, Nadia, Jon, Jacob. Who else? Who else would I kill before I was finished? He should have done it back then, back when it could have all been avoided. He always said he should have done it as soon as I was born. It would have been better like that. Get away from me. All of you. Get away before I do it again, before I do it to someone else. Someone like Lev–
"Robyn!"
Reality burst through the fever dream.
A moment of clarity revealed my Captain in front of me, soaked by the rain, scratches along his neck and hands, eyes still searching mine. For what? What the hell could he find in a rat like me? Or maybe he was just hoping for lucidness. He let go of my shoulders as I stared through the curtain of my hair. What… What happened?
Shit.
I crumpled into sobs and curled towards him, apologies babbling out of me, wailed against the stone as the cold of the rain sunk into me and my head pounded.
"I'm s-so sorry… I'm so sorry." I just kept repeating myself.
His coat draped over my shoulders and he made me sit up on my knees, his hand under my chin. "Just breathe. Breathe."
I did as told.
He glanced to the side and nodded, before his eyes landed back on mine. "Now then. Listen to me."
LEVI POV
What had he expected from asking to talk to Robyn after that Squad Leader meeting? He had no idea. And yet… She stepped forward. He fully expected her to leave his room, to go and never look back except maybe in pitying disgust. He had finally confessed. At least to finding her attractive, he couldn't begin to admit he–
She spoke. "You sound pretty burnt out yourself."
Hope threatened in the back of his mind. Daring to try, he looked up from his discarded cravat. Her eyes blazed with determination, her stance confident and more open than before. Had she changed her mind? Was he worth the risk? Another step closer. His eyes raked over her, body going rigid as he clung to composure. Not a muscle would move until he knew it was what she wanted. Something quirked the corner of her mouth – he hoped she understood what kind of power she wielded over him.
She laid a hand to his chest. There was no way she couldn't feel how fast his heart was racing; the very idea of this chance sending him into an almost panic. Was hers the same? Her other hand rested against his cheek, cupping his jaw as she went up onto her tiptoes. One of the few people who had to do that with him, not that it really mattered.
His body fizzed.
He shuddered. "What changed your mind?"
"You were right." She breathed, warmth radiating. So close. So tangible. So possible. Her eyes were bright in the gloom. So beautiful. "It's not enough to be a soldier. We're also human. Messy, moronic humans."
His hands returned to her hips. He shouldn't have even done that, his grip shaken as he tried to hold his nerve. Why was he so wound up? Ah, because he'd been thinking about it for months without even realising. Duh.
He licked his lips. "So… Yes?"
"Yes." Her fingers slipped into his hair and pulled him through that last tiny gap of space.
Finally.
Hands clasped, teeth clashed, lips collided and tongues danced. More. Clothing seemed to melt off. She sucked on his tongue and he groaned, that mouth driving him mad every second he explored it. She palmed him through his trousers, moaning against him. More. He wanted to hear more; every mewl and hitched note of pleasure. She walked backwards to the bed, and as she wriggled from her trousers, he tried to etch the image into his mind. Astonishing. Eyes half-lidded, red lips bitten in an attempt to hide the devilish smirk, the arch of her back, the lines of her trained body, the swell of her hips and ass, the bounce of her tits. Beautiful. Utterly beautiful. He stripped and crawled on top. Skin to skin. Chest to chest. Her legs tangled with his and her hands traced his scars and muscles alike. Like he was anything at all to be marvelled at. He was just a broken puppet. But her? Fuck. She was perfect. She was real. More. He needed her. He hated needing anything, but he needed her right then. Now. Right now–
SLAM!
Levi jolted awake and scrambled to keep his book from falling out of his lap. Dammit. He hadn't meant to doze off, but as he had, he then intended to strangle whoever had slammed that door. As dreams went, he didn't often get a nice one. And that one had been on the verge of being amazing, even more so as it was a memory. Beyond that, the idiot could have woken Robyn up and she needed all the rest she could get – body exhausted by injury, infection, fever and of course the loss of her team. She needed time.
He sat up and snapped his book shut as Hanji peered round the curtain. Typical.
He glared. "Fuck's sake Glasses, you trying to wake the whole infirmary? You'll wake Sanshi if you keep that shit up–"
"Wake who now? She's not there!"
He looked at the bed and saw only rumpled sheets. She must have snuck out. Or she simply got up and left, he had been out cold – it served him right after not sleeping properly since they got back. He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a long breath. Where would she have gone?
He sighed. "Why're you here? You know where she is, Glasses?"
"There's been some commotion on the upper floors, so I'd guess she's headed up there for some reason. Someone mentioned seeing her. Thought I'd check here first though, in case it was just some post-mission celebrations gone awry."
He smoothed back his hair. "We better find her. Regardless of what the hell she thinks she's doing, she shouldn't be moving on her own yet."
"Had her fever broken?"
"Not sure. She woke up briefly but was still pretty out of it." He shrugged on his coat and glanced to the window as the rain lashed against the glass. He pursed his lips. The upper floors…"Would she head to the roof?"
"Not sure. C'mon." Hanji led the way, pulling her uniform coat tight around her nightclothes. "I thought she was gonna be restrained after she–"
"You didn't see how she was thrashing in her dreams. Trust me, it would have made things worse." He shook his head, unable to not see flashes of her pained face, her fluttering eyes, her panicked breathing as she panted a mess of garbled words. 'Please', 'Dad stop', 'Isla no', 'don't', 'wait', 'me!', the list went on, scrambled together, gasped, but all sounding like she had to choke around them, past some kind of terrible pain.
As they got to the upper floors of the HQ, they slowed. Blood. Only a few scattered spots, but enough to make them pause. Split stitches, perhaps? Or a ruptured injury? After the brief pause they quickened their pace, listening and not having to wait long for sign of Robyn's whereabouts.
"Isla!" She coughed, wheezing ahead, sounding like she had already climbed up the stairs to the roof. A door clattered closed, the next cries slightly muffled. "Nadia! Wait!"
Hanji started to jog. "Shit, she's sleepwalking."
"Or in a fever dream." He overtook.
They came out onto the roof, rain falling, clouds letting mere flickers of the moonlight through. Cold. Dark. Lonely. Levi felt his nails bite into the palms of his hands before he'd even realised he'd clenched his fists, bracing on instinct. It only took a few paces to find her, and when they did Levi's dread filled him like cold water from his gut to the base of his throat. Robyn stood near the small wall that ran along the edge of the roof. One of her legs dragged slightly. A red patch grew along the side of her medical gown. Presumably she had busted her stitches. Her hair hung limp, soaked by the rain, sticking to her neck and trembling shoulders. Then she turned.
Smatterings of red littered the front of her medical gown, like she'd had a nosebleed, or perhaps coughed up blood. Internal bleeding again? Her face was pale and drawn, with dark circles under her usually bright eyes. Only they were dull, staring and unseeing as the fever sent her tumbling into some pit. Levi knew well enough what a grief stricken mind could do to itself in such a state; both he and Hanji had witnessed Erwin endure such an episode when he broke his leg on his third mission as commander. And Mike, when he lost three newbies and had become ill after being in the rain for nearly a full day and night, keeping the last of his squad safe while aid tried to reach them. They had all fallen to demons in some manner, but a fevered mind never mixed well. Like throwing oil upon an already raging forest fire.
Levi stepped out. Regardless of the specific injuries or issues, Robyn needed their help.
She staggered, hands like claws as she tried to keep her balance, breaths huffing out in small white puffs against the night's chill. She bared her teeth. "That Fifteen… That fifteen is gonna come for us any second, you t-two need to be ready. I'm almost out… out of... of gas."
She looked to the side, as if speaking to nearby team members. So Levi was pretty confident that he and Hanji weren't the 'two' Robyn had referred to. Perhaps she was reliving the mission? She had said Nadia and Isla before. That had to be it.
Her breathing was erratic, her eyes wide and searching, her teeth flashing into view as tears rolled down her cheeks, quickly disappearing into the rain.
"Gotta get her out of this storm…" Hanji murmured. "You'll be able to subdue her, right?"
"Yes, but I'd prefer to do it without furthering her injuries. And she's pretty damn close to that edge. I'm fast, but she's damn quick too."
Hanji bit her lip, mind whirring as she tried to figure out their approach. Levi was usually glad to have her silence, but right then he wanted her ready with a plan, rambling in his ear.
Robyn jolted and reached, like she was grabbing for someone, but her balance gave way and she stumbled. Her knees hit the stone hard, and she slumped, scrambling to stay upright. Almost as if she was fighting someone trying to hold her down. Her imagination had a firm grip, or her injuries were the real problem. It was hard to tell.
Levi and Hanji slowly approached.
"I can try!" She sobbed in response to her nightmare, shaking her head, grabbing at her hair, clamping her hands over her ears, curling in on herself.
Levi touched her shoulder, trembling rocked her entire frame and he heard her breath choke in and out.
He gritted his teeth. "Sanshi, you need–"
"Fuck you!" She screeched, staggering back, jolting out of his hold. Gasping, hands scraped by the stonework, her eyes were red round the edges and still clearly not really seeing him there. He stayed still, hand slightly outstretched but not grabbing. The last thing he wanted was to spook her and send her running in the wrong direction. The edge of the roof was so close. The fall might not kill her, but he hardly wanted to take the risk.
She shook her head, clutching at the medical gown like she wanted to tear right through it. "G-Gotta make it worthwhile. Captain's faith in me, the Commander's trust, Mike's help, P-Petra's friendship and Hanji's s-support."
Hanji sniffed. "Robyn…"
"I gotta m-make it okay. Somehow. How do I do that? I dunno." Robyn flinched, looking at her hands before raking her nails over them, scratching at the skin manically. "Y-You did this." She sobbed, shaking her head. "You killed them!"
Levi stood and took a step forward. "Sanshi, listen to me."
She stopped and wavered on the spot. He froze. Her eyes were lost, mouth open for a moment, but no words came. Her brows lifted, and for a second he hoped it might be in recognition, or realisation. But then she gasped and ducked, like she was dodging an attack.
She put a hand to her head and whined, eyes looking to the side, to the edge of the roof. "Ow. My head…"
"Sanshi stop." He took a step as she did, her hands trembling, covered in red welts from her nails. She fidgeted. She flinched. Like someone was pulling her strings in random patterns, her body jolted and she shook her head or scowled.
She lunged onto the wall.
"No!" He reached, heart in his mouth.
She stepped off.
He grabbed her round the waist, ignoring how she writhed and fought him. He dragged her back onto the roof, away from the edge. They landed heavily, but he refused to let go. He couldn't.
"Stop!" He yelled, trying to rouse her, trying to find any thread of sense she had.
"No. I have t-to do… do this." She coughed.
He rolled them to the side, hearing her blood slop against the stonework as she spluttered. He braced over her as she lay on her side, trying to shield her from some of the rain.
"Let them run away . Let me fix it. Any of it." She muttered to no one, voice thin and weary. "I didn't mean to make you mad. Hurt me. Don't look at them, no. Put down the damned knife. P-Please. Put it down."
Knife?
She slumped and sobbed hard, body wracked by the heart-wrenching noise. "It makes no fucking sense." She sniffed, nails digging into his arm. "None of it. I should've let them help me. They were just helping me do the right thing. They just had to outrun me."
"What?" He tried to get a better look, to tuck her hair back. To see if she was awake yet.
She grinned, eyes staring straight ahead. More blood coated her lips and her head rested against the stone. For a moment he thought she was done but then her hands continued to claw at each other. He tried to hold her back, get a grip on her wrists to stop the mauling. But her skin was slick with rain and blood. Her nails caught his skin instead and he gritted his teeth.
"Sanshi stop, just stop for a second and–"
"H-How?" She choked, looking up at him, confusion filtering through her face as her eyes met his. "How'd it fall apart so q-quickly? We'd… W-We'd been such a good… good team. The trust. It was there. Right? B-But… But the second things got tricky… It fell apart. Why?" She cracked into fresh tears. "What did I do wrong?"
"Sanshi?"
The pain in her voice, the self-hatred and loathing, it was all too familiar.
"Just take me! Leave them alone, please!" She whined, voice barely above a whisper, like a child pleading with a parent. "Just fucking punish me! I'm the one you hate, I'm the one you want dead!"
Levi shuddered and put his forehead against Robyn's shoulder, closing his eyes as she continued to shiver and whimper. Robyn went still. Very still.
"Robyn?"
She stared up at him, horrified. "I'd killed so many. My mother. My brother. Vincent. Isla, Nadia, Jon, Jacob." She hissed the words, he wasn't sure he was even meant to be able to hear them.
He leaned back, putting his hand to her burning cheek. "No, no you didn't kill–"
"He should have done it back then, back when it could have all been avoided. He always said he should have done it as soon as I was born. It would have been better like that." She jolted and started scrambling at Levi, trying to shove him away. He let her sit up at least, not wanting to dream to warp into some rendition of Vincent or Sente instead. Even so, on her knees, she continued. "Get away from me. All of you. Get away before I do it again, before I do it to someone else. Someone like Lev–"
"Robyn!" He bellowed, shaking her shoulders, patience breaking like an overused wire, but mainly hating hearing her loathe herself with such vigour.
And finally, she did stop.
Thunder rolled overhead, and her eyes cleared. Rain fell, dripping from her hair, rolling off the end of her pinked nose, falling from her thick eyelashes. Her eyes were bright for those few moments, seeming to stare through him. He let go of her.
She put a hand over her mouth and closed her eyes. "I'm so sorry. Shit I'm so sorry. What did I do? I'm sorry." She curled forward, head to the stone again. "I'm s-so sorry… I'm so sorry."
At least she was awake. He shrugged off his coat, draping it over her, setting her back on her knees and trying to get her attention. The apologies kept coming, tumbling like her ragged breathing. First things first, he had to try and calm her down.
Carefully he put his hand under her chin, encouraging her to look up at him. "Just breathe. Breathe."
She stared at his lips and gradually followed his lead.
Hanji cleared her throat. "I'll get a doc ready to check her over, she must've opened up some wounds with all that blood she's coughing up."
Levi nodded to her and Hanji left. Then he focused on Robyn. "Now then. Listen to me."
She nodded.
"You did not kill your team."
"But I–"
"No." He spoke sternly, but didn't raise his voice.
Her expression welled, eyes crinkling and brows lifting, her lips wobbled and the tears brewed. She couldn't believe it. He knew she couldn't. Guilt hadn't just wrapped around her heart, it had threaded itself into her mind and every damn nerve ending. If he wasn't careful, she'd drown. He pulled her in close and practically held her in his lap. Mainly he just wanted her to be warmer, and to know someone else was there. Be it him, or anyone else her fevered mind made her believe. "You didn't kill your team. It was the Titans."
She gripped his shirt and hid in the crook of his neck.
He realised, when hearing the door to the roof close, that he should have checked that they were alone, but it hardly seemed important at that moment.
He turned his head, his lips resting by Robyn's soaked red hair. "You have to say it back."
She shivered.
He swallowed hard. "Say it."
"I can't." She whispered, the fabric of his shirt creaking as she held on even tighter.
"Why not?"
"Feels like a lie."
Part of him wanted to berate her. To put on the 'captain' mask and simply rebuff the suggestion that she had any reason to be angry with herself, to be blunt and harsh, ordering the fragility out of her. It would work. He knew it would. As a soldier she challenged her superiors, sure. But she followed orders when they made sense. And it was to help her self preservation, so it made sense. But he held back from that inclination.
Instead, he decided to tap into her kindness. "All right, I'll ask you something."
"W-What?"
"When Mike lost those three newbies during your third week here. Did you think he killed them?"
It might have seemed like a risky question – after all she could easily say 'yes, of course I did'. But Levi already knew that she didn't think that of Mike. At the time, when Mike had gotten over the worst of his fever, and had simply been in the numb fallout, struggling to make decisions or take charge, Robyn had refused to flinch. She had been barely a scout for a month, and yet she ignored his barbed words, his angry rebuttals and his glowering snark. She just raised a brow and shoved it back at him, reminded him of those he had saved instead. She refused to let him forget the time he had taken to bring them home, the names of the parents he had brought children back to. It took a solid three days, plenty of hot tea left to go cold, and several long nights of no sleep, but eventually she broke through. Not on her own of course, but Levi knew she had helped. It was a big part of why Mike remained so attached to Robyn.
She shook her head. "No. Of course not."
"So why're you blaming yourself for–"
"Because he's a capable soldier." She snapped, sucking her breath between gritted teeth. She shivered. "And I'm just… I'm j-just…"
"Still listening to shitheads that made you feel lesser."
She went still, and he let the words sink in, his own heart having picked up the pace as the words fell from his mouth. He hadn't meant to say that. The truth stung, his own scars aching with the sound of it. Runt. Useless. Damned little rat. Words he hadn't heard spit from a scraggly beard surrounded mouth in so long, chewed round a smoking cigar. And yet there they were, echoing with the thunder.
He leaned her back and put his hand to her cheek, the blush there looking partially the fever, and partially embarrassment if her expression was anything to go by. He just hoped that meant the fever had perhaps begun to break.
It wasn't entirely clear to him why he had been pushing so hard to break through to her, until she looked at him with those confused eyes, that lost expression that once again begged for his help, despite how much he knew she hated to be dependent on people. But in that moment he knew why he wanted to help her so badly. Because in that moment he stopped being able to lie to himself. Because it was the same moment he realised how easily he could lose her if either of them stopped fighting their cruel world. He needed her. And not in the way he had needed her in that bedroom, not the way he had needed to hear her gasp his name or cling to him with her thighs wrapped around his middle. No. Not like that. It was in the way he needed to maintain his gear, to drink water, to find enough food. He needed her to keep himself going. To live. Why? Because finally, it felt like he had found someone who understood, and beyond that, someone he might be alright with needing. He hated needing anything. Dependency made him weak – except that felt like a lie all of a sudden. Needing her made him stronger. It made him feel unmovable, unbreakable, unstoppable.
The question hung at the tip of his tongue, and that time it did seem like a risk. Mainly because he had no idea what he would do, if she said 'no'. But he still had to ask.
"Robyn."
"Captain?" She swallowed, searching his eyes and then giving a small, though still confused smile. "L-Levi?"
"Do you trust me?"
She sucked in a breath between her teeth, looking pained for a second before she met his gaze and frowned. "Yes."
"Good." He breathed out. "Then trust what I'm telling you." He put his forehead to hers. "You didn't kill your team. The Titans did."
"I d-didn't...The…" She swallowed and stared at his lips.
"You didn't kill your team. The Titans did."
She bared her teeth for a second and shuddered. "I didn't… I didn't kill my t-team. The… The Titans did."
"Good." He sighed. "It's a start at least."
She swallowed hard.
He tucked her hair back. "Now just breathe, all right? We'll get you inside, dry and warm, and see how much you've fucked up your injuries. Your nurses are going to be pissed."
She hid in the crook of his neck. "I'm s-sor–"
"Just breathe, don't make me turn it into an order." He rumbled, and she nodded against his chest. "Good, well done."
She clung to him and he held on tight.
He needed her. Totally. Completely. Entirely.
Aaaand there we have it! I kinda love this section tbh, I hope you guys enjoyed it ^-^ cya on Friday!