Another friday, another update! Hope you guys enjoy! Headed into some more major canon events now!

Later that day, stood in the Commander's office, me and the other Squad leaders and some squad members were gathered. I was sure my Captain would have talked to the Commander already, keeping me firmly in the 'squad member' column rather than a leader. Heading back out on a mission was turning my stomach enough, let alone being in charge of anyone. Petra stood beside me, and held my hand as the usual jargon began. If there was one thing the Commander could be relied upon to do, it was drone on about logistics.

"And now we come to the formation." He stood and rolled out a new large piece of parchment. "One thing though, could Sanshi step forward please?"

Huh? Wait, what? Why? Oh god. I clung to Petra, but that didn't stop the room of eyes turning to me expectantly. Shit. Ah shitty mcshit shit! I swallowed hard, gave Petra's hand a final squeeze and walked forward, dipping my head to the Commander's piercing gaze. To his right, a very angry Captain stood, arms folded, death glare set on a blonde head. Oh boy. I braced.

"Sir."

"It has come to my attention that you're feeling recovered enough to be a part of this mission. Correct?"

"Yes, sir."

"Very good, very glad to hear it. I knew you would not falter for long, an admirable recovery."

I did not miss how badly my Captain had just rolled his eyes. Was that at the sentiment, or the blatant buttering up before the plunge?

The Commander continued. "With that in mind, it would be a failing on my part if I did not at least ask you. Would you be willing to lead another team?"

Shit.

I repeat.

Shitty mcshit shit.

"Sir I–"

"As terrible a loss as it was, the fault did not lie with you." He said, and as kind as it seemed, the odd placing of this speech had my nerves on edge.

Why say this here? Why now? He could have called me to his office at any time. Was he banking on me not being willing to say no in front of everyone? I wasn't sure how cunning or not he intended to be, or if he had literally not had time to ask before now, and with the formation plans being finalised he now had to ask. But judging from that ongoing glare from my Captain, it seemed he had at least known about this. So if the Commander had time to talk to my Captain, he had definitely had time to talk to me.

Ah. Shit.

I pursed my lips. "Sir, as much as I appreciate the vote of confidence I–"

"It would be a great favour to me and the regiment."

"Yes but–"

"And no doubt your comrades here would agree with me that on that mission you acted admirably and–"

"Please don't make me kill anyone else." I gasped, hand clamping over my mouth in the next second. The room went silent. Like all the air had been instantly sucked out. I think if any candles had been lit they'd have been snuffed, and a fireplace would have gone POOF to nothing but ash.

The Commander stared.

The whole damn room stared.

I couldn't leave it there. Then they would all permanently think I was a basketcase. I licked my lips, lowered my hand and tried to find my nerve. "I… I appreciate that you don't doubt me, and I appreciate that my comrades don't seem to blame me. It'll be a let down, and I'm sorry to break your belief in me sir, but I truly don't believe I'm either ready to be a Squad leader again now, nor… n-nor will I likely be ready any time soon in the future."

Again, quiet. Staring.

Then, whatever had been churning behind his bright gaze finalised, and he sighed. "Very well, Sanshi. And, no need to put words in my mouth, the belief remains."

I started shivering. "Thank you, sir."

"Return to your place."

"Sir." I nodded and retreated into the crowd, receiving a few pats on the back and shoulder squeezes as I went.

Part of me hated the fact anyone had seen that, that they had witnessed my weakness and knew how feeble I could be. But the newer part. The part that knew she had comrades rather than competitors, was glad. They were behind me. They understood. Sure, some of them might question it, some of them might be a bit confused, but if they ever served as a Squad Leader they would understand. And I think even if they couldn't directly empathise now, they knew they might one day.

From the way my Captain had been glaring I could only imagine he had already said to the Commander what I wanted, that I didn't want another team. Or had he suggested against it, because he knew how easily I would break? No. No, my Captain had faith in me. I knew that. Foolish doubts.

The meeting came to a close. We would be heading for Trost tomorrow morning, and then onwards from there. We had a few towns to try and get a map on, and try to clear out of enemies. It would be tricky. As helpful as the higher buildings were for our gear sometimes, the tight spaces and small turn arounds meant hiding places for the pesky smaller beasts. Smaller, but no less hungry.

Petra walked alongside me towards the stables, us both wanting to double check our riding gear before anyone else got the chance to take the decent back-ups. Hopefully we wouldn't need it, but we weren't going to take any chances. This mission had to go well. Too many duds and the higher ups started to sniff around, and considering our luck lately, they would be chomping at the bit no doubt. Jack would be getting a hearing in a couple of months. It was the only update I had even heard since he was locked up, but it made little difference to me. Even if he was cleared, there was no way he'd be able to stay in the Scouts. Between the fact no one trusted him, a great number actively hated the bastard. Regardless of what the courts decided, he was a known shit that we all wanted scraped off our boots.

"So, you'll be by me and Gunter, okay?"

I nodded and brushed my horse. Petra was being kind. Not patronising, not overly careful, but she was definitely going through the steps with me a few more times than usual. It made sense. In all honesty it might have been for her benefit as well. Gotta make sure the useless link is at least informed. Dammit. I set the bucket of water down harder than intended, the venomous thoughts sniping away in my mind. I'm not useless. I did not kill my team, it was the Titans.

You should have died!

No. No one should have.

Petra laid a hand on my shoulder. "I can only imagine what you've endured, Robyn. When they offered me a team I said no."

I hadn't known that.

She continued. "I knew I couldn't handle any of it, let alone losing someone. But you did everything right, you know that, don't you? We certainly do."

Nothing in that smile was calculated. Nothing rang as false or forced. No. She was just happy to be near me, happy to support me and be my friend. Heh. You were right Keza, I did find some more weirdos to become friends with. I put my hand over hers and squeezed.

Speaking of weirdos. Mike wandered in and gave a long sniff, shaking his head and blowing into a handkerchief a moment later. Why he tormented his fine nose with the stables, I had no idea. He came over to us and patted the saddles.

"All checked?"

"Raring to go." I nodded and Petra did also, patting my shoulder.

Mike sniffed. "Seems the Commander is getting quite the talking to in his office."

"Oh?" Petra questioned and I blushed. "I knew the Captain was gonna be peeved, but he's really ripping into him, huh?"

"Yup." Mike smirked. "Petra, can you do this forgetful old man a favour and go get my other pack? I wanted to replace mine before the next mission."

"And you can't go because…"

He tapped his perfectly fine knee. "Buggered knee."

"Bullshit."

He winked. "Indulge me?"

She rolled her eyes and headed off, shaking her head and muttering as she disappeared. I leaned against the stall divider and tilted my head, readying for whatever lecture was headed my way. No doubt he had something to say that he felt Petra wasn't meant to hear. Whatever it was, I hoped it wasn't to do with Le–

"Hanji didn't want me to say anything, but at this point… I gotta."

Ah crap.

I sighed. "Mike, this really isn't–"

"My business? I know, I know." He winced.

I shook my head. "No, I was gonna say not something for you to worry about. I'm touched that you take an interest in all honesty, but really. It's fine."

"From the sounds of that argument upstairs, I'd say otherwise."

My lips pressed into a line. Oh. I couldn't really dodge that one, and really I could see why he would be concerned. My time in the regiment had been brief. He had known both Commander Erwin and Captain Levi for a long time, they were his comrades and friends. No wonder he was concerned.

"Mike, I'm sorry, I–"

"You're back on his squad right? You think that's a good call? Considering the dumbass move he made last time you were?"

It was my turn to wince. Really, Mike's team would have made a lot more sense. Maybe there was still time to make a switch? Then again, if Captain Levi was already losing his shit with the Commander, a last minute change from Mike wouldn't exactly go down well.

I stood away from the wall. "He promised that wouldn't happen again. And… And that was because he had built it all up in his head too much."

"Built it up?" Mike leaned in. "What? As in… You weren't fucking at that point?"

I blinked. "No. No, when he got hurt on that mission nothing had happened between us at all, it wasn't like that until… W-Well until the Trost stay before the last mission."

Mike snapped his fingers. "Dammit, I owe Hanji a bottle of booze."

Wait… What?!

I smacked his arm. "Mike! Look, he got all twisted up in his head about it okay? But now it's not as big of a thing, y'know? Now we've been together, he knows I'm not some weird dream woman or whatever the hell he had rumbling around his head. He knows the reality. That's what I mean."

I had never believed someone could wear a more smug smirk than my Captain until that moment. Mike looked like the cat who had got the cream.

I glared. "What's that look for?"

"Oh yeah Robyn, because someone being in between the sheets with you will oh-so-likely make them less likely to want to throw themselves into danger for you."

I blushed. "What the hell would you know about me between the sheets?"

He laughed. A big belly laugh that had him almost doubled over.

"Not my point you idiot!" He snorted and pulled me into a side hug, towering over me, grinning like the dumb-ass big brother I'd never had. We headed out of the stables. "Look, as bad as he was looking at you all forlornly before you got together, in whatever capacity you have or haven't, it's nothing compared to how he looks at you now."

I staggered to a stop. "Huh?"

"You really are blind."

"W-Wait, that means he will end up in even more danger on the mission…" I swallowed. "Shit, Mike you gotta take me on your squad. If he's gonna be an asshole and get himself hurt–"

Mike put his hands on my shoulders and squeezed. "Robyn. Breathe."

"But you said yourself–!"

"I was winding you up. Be you on my team, Erwin's, or Levi's, he's gonna be distracted as hell in all likeliness. Having you in sight will be the best option."

I breathed out, hung my head, and then kicked Mike in the shin. Hard. "Then what the fuck are you here talking to me about you pain in the arse sniffer dog?"

He hopped. "Hanji owes me new boots, I knew you were sinking as fast for Levi as he was for you. Just had to prove it. Fuck, you have pointy feet."

"You and Hanji are gonna have a full black market if you're not careful." I shoved past him and grumbled. Then I stopped and whirled round. "Hang on a fuckin' second, I'm not sinking for–"

"Took you a second, eh?" He winked and laughed, lunging back out of the way when I swiped for him. "You are sunk, sinking, whatever. Just… Look after yourself, okay? You and Levi could be good for each other, so make sure you both live long enough."

I folded my arms. "So you can make some more bets?"

He grinned and gave a thumbs up. "Now you're getting it!"

The morning of the mission. Having got to Trost fairly early on the day previously, me and Petra went for a wander around the town and enjoyed some of the sights. Or rather, she held my hand and reassured me not everyone in Trost would know who I was and throw old dishwater over me. It was a pleasant enough town, with all the usual fixtures and comforts of an outlier district. Shiganshina had been very similar. Once it was time for dinner and then bunking down, it became very clear that no late night meetings would be taking place this time round. Not because of a lack of want though. I kept catching eyes with my Captain and felt his gaze linger every so often as well. But Petra was in full babysitting mode. I barely escaped her sight for five minutes to pee before she came looking. Apparently she was worried.

It was sweet of her, but she was rather keeping me from a very effective stress reliever.

Still, more time for sleeping. And dreaming.

Eventually I did get a solid chunk of sleep, but as we headed for the main gates to get lined up for heading out, I was very glad of the extra strong tea Eld had brewed for me with breakfast. The crowds had gathered, but amongst the civilians I saw a few cadets in uniform. And beyond that, I saw a few familiar faces. The 104th. They must have been graduating.

Mutterings and gasps about the fact 'the' Captain Levi, Humanity's Strongest, was nearby began to bubble from the crowd. I saw his shoulders go rigid, his head shaking a little, and of course the odd grumble escaping. He hated it, and in all honesty, I hadn't ever really noticed it before. Now though, I smirked and just waited for him to glance my way. He refused to. He knew I'd give him my best shit-eating grin if he did though. Damn, he was getting wise to me.

Finally I spotted Armin and gave a wave. His big blue eyes went wide before his hand frantically waved back. He called to those near him and soon enough I spotted Eren, Mikasa, even Jean and Marco. They had all come along to see the Scouts off.

I grinned and stood on my stirrups. "Enjoy the graduation! You'll have to tell me all about it when we're back!"

"Sanshi." My Captain barked. "Bit of composure."

"Sorry, sir."

And as I sat down, their whoops carrying through the air as we carried on towards the gate, I realised how confident I had sounded. I believed that. We were coming back. A smile caught my lips and I looked down, my cheeks warming a bit as the realisation hit me hard.

The first signal fired and the chains of Wall Rose groaned.

Here we go again.

I took a long breath and closed my eyes for a moment. Time to start making amends, time to start moving forward. Time to make it worthwhile.

"Ah, shit." I skidded along a rooftop before I launched again, swung round at a bad angle and took out the twelve metre's ankles. It landed into the building, but left the nape wide open for Gunter. He confirmed and I landed with an ever-so-slight stumble in the street. Two assists and a hell of a lot of clean up. This terrain was officially a pain in my arse, and not only because I had gone into a window and shattered some glass against my left buttock.

"You good?" Gunter yelled and I gave a thumbs up, firing and getting myself up onto the roof again. The street was death, essentially. But dammit if I didn't prefer uneven cobbles to uneven roof tiling. Damn things kept giving way under my shoes. "C'mon we better regroup. Looks like things were getting pretty messy back there with Petra and the Captain."

"Right behind you."

We ran.

So far, I have had no freezes. No hesitations. No jolts of sudden memory or being whisked away into a panic attack. Nothing but cold determination, that I fully expected to suddenly abandon me at the base or us returning to Trost. The exhaustion was there, waiting just behind my eyelids. Missions didn't usually tire me this much, but I assumed that it was hitting harder because I was thinking about so much more. Right now, I wasn't just a soldier. I was a soldier keeping an eye on her basket-case self in the corner, making sure she didn't fuck up the plans.

As we rounded the next corner we saw two Titans fall to the Captain's blades, and the first that fell had held a Scout in its mouth. Dammit. A close save? Or a too-quick loss?

"You assist him, I'll help Petra!" I yelled and Gunter confirmed.

We split and I landed by her in the street, keeping a close watch on the surrounding area. This bit seemed pretty clear though, we had done a thorough job in this area. This Scout with the dirty blonde hair must have just been caught by surprise by some hiding fucker. Petra applied bandaging and then asked me to help maintain pressure.

I held my hands against the bloodied wrappings and let her work. I tried not to look at my hands. The warmth of the blood made me itch all over. The want to press down and beg for Isla to wake up rattled in the back of my mind, but I just focused on the present.

"T-Talk to him." She sniffed, working as hard as she could, but I felt time slipping through her fingers as much as she likely did.

Even so, I nodded and smiled at our patient. He looked dazed. Hopefully that meant he was in minimal pain by that point.

I smiled. "Hey now, keep those pretty eyes on either the sky, me, or our gorgeous Miss Ral here. Don't go wasting a good view."

He smiled and coughed, more blood spluttering over his chin.

I kept going. "Then again, one shouldn't go assuming, if you prefer a Gunter or an Eld I can rustle one of those up for you too. I think the Commander might be a bit miffed you didn't request him though, he had his eyebrows shampooed recently."

Another small laugh. A hand landed on top of mine and he gave a soft squeeze.

I didn't even know his name. Dammit.

My hands grew sticky, and as our Captain landed beside us, having dealt with the last of the bastards, I couldn't raise my gaze. Even from where I held the wound, I knew that pulse was fading. The bleeding wouldn't stop. This wasn't a Scout we were taking home, at least not outside of a body bag.

As the patient requested to speak with his Captain, I stepped away, pursing my lips as tight as I could but still feeling those foolish tears well up. Why were they even there? Who was I crying for? I didn't know his name, I had no one to miss. Gunter came over and nudged my shoulder with his, offering a rag to wipe my hands. I took it and gritted my teeth, swallowing the sobs, refusing to let them out.

Gunter smiled softly. "It's ok. It gets us all occasionally."

"Yeah… R-Right." I sniffed and scrubbed at my hands, wishing it didn't feel like there was more blood appearing instead of less. "I'll signal for a waggon, at least we can take him hom–"

"We're pulling out." The Commander appeared from along the road, horses at the ready.

What? But we had barely started. The weather was good. Sure we had lost a few soldiers, but not enough to call on a retreat. My retorts brimmed my tongue, it felt like such a waste to turn away from progress being made. But for one thing, my Captain had beaten me to it. And for another, we were all stunned into silence by the Commander's next words.

"The wall has been breached at Trost. It's just like five years ago."

Shit.

The Colossal? Again?

We mounted our horses and the regiment raced towards the walls. We pushed the horses as fast as we could, the formation staying tight knit and only engaging with the enemy if totally necessary. Our focus was time. And how little of it we had. Some of us had faint memories of what had occurred on that day five years ago, others simply knew the fallout. Many if not all had seen the devastation left behind afterwards. There still hadn't been a mission where we didn't find half a human skeleton discarded on the street, or a slowly digesting ball of bodies where some Titan had puked up its victims. The whole world had changed on that day five years ago, and yet it had only been such a short time. Humanity had not recovered. I wasn't sure everyone had fully accepted it still.

Was it going to happen all over again? Was the world going to shrink to Cina?

I suppose that was one way to find Keza.

Rain threatened ahead, perhaps having already passed over Trost. In all honesty, that was the least of our worries. What the hell were we riding back towards? A slaughter? Was Trost in ruins and Rose already fully breached? Shit. How would we even make it to the next wall? Our horses might make it. Maybe. But on the way we would have to help civilians. How many would we be able to save? Would we have to make a final stand ourselves?

Shit.

The cadets.

In Trost. The 104th had been in the city, graduating, looking forward to their futures. Each as determined as the last, bright eyed and ready for the challenge ahead. I guess life had other plans. Out of school, straight into hell. Maybe they would be all right. Maybe they would be fighting the good fight.

I blinked hard.

No. I didn't see them lying there dead, staring up at the sky unseeing. No. I'm not accepting that, not until I was there, not until I could bloody do something to help. No. I refused. We won't find that. No, we may well find those damn kids screaming their heads off, but their blades will be swinging. C'mon guys, time to show them what you can do. Marco, you gotta go see the King. Eren you have to kill all these damn Titans, right? Mikasa, you keep an eye on Eren being a dumbass and Armin please have a damn plan. Jean, good luck buddy, but if you get your head out of your arse you should be fine. Connie and Sasha would be fine if they had each other. Fuck, the sweet little blonde girl was likely dead. Dammit. Stop. Don't think like that. They could do this. We could all do this.

A signal pierced the sky.

Red. Black. Red. Red. Black.

Basically, a clusterfuck of shittery was awaiting us.

I checked my blades and my gas; practically on full for both. Me and my frugal ways. The rest of the squad called out similar situations and we readied ourselves. If the regiment was going to get back into that city in one piece, we had one hell of a fight ahead of us. Last time, when Maria had fallen, there had been immense numbers of Titans just pouring in through the broken gates. No doubt this time would be similar. But had they both turned up yet? The Colossal and the Armoured? I guess there was no telling until we were in there.

My Captain looked back at the squad. "We're under orders to cut through as many as we can, but to get ourselves into the city as soon as possible. Got it? We're to get in there and help save as many civilians or whatever the hell else is left in there as we can."

"Yes, sir!" We chorused, readying ourselves to launch as the first beast came into view.

Barely a quarter mile from the wall. So close. How close had I been last time? It had been almost impossible to tell, and as I could practically smell the mouldy old brickwork from here, I didn't know which was crueller. To know how close, or to be ignorant as you struggled in the muck.

We launched.

Thanks for reading, faving and following and for reviewing when you can folks! Cya next week! Shoutouts below!

SHOUTOUTS:

Curclark: HI there! Thanks for letting me know you're coming at this from having read both versions so far. Exciting! I'm thrilled that folks are giving both versions a shot. And yeah haha, you're totally right, Robyn was very much off the wall in the first version, but in all honesty I was just having a blast playing around with a character that time, I wasn't really aiming for consistency or an arc per say. This time I'm trying to build in a bit more of an actual thread-through situation. But if she's still too odd for you, that's fair! Not gonna be everyone's cuppa tea after all. Yeah I prefer to add my own twist on things, like new subplots and such, instead of just following canon events like paint by numbers. It's why I do OC stories in all honesty, rather than shoe-horning in new backstory into canon characters! Thanks for chiming in, love knowing how folks are finding things, and hope you enjoyed this chapter ^-^ cheers!