Another week another update!

Warning: Mentions of earlier assault scene, not a replay, but mentions.

"You wanna do what now?"

In the wake of Hanji's idea, Keza and I spoke in perfect unison. We looked at each other with raised brows, then back to Hanji. She blushed. At least she'd stopped grinning.

I closed my mouth, trying to make sure I had it right. "Hanji, as much as I love and trust you, I admit I'm a little offended by your eagerness to kill me."

Her blush deepened, but she nodded. "It seems to be the only thing they've put in his head. If you died Robyn, he might well snap out of it. We can say you died on a mission and see what happens."

She sounded so sure, and yet I found myself shaking my head. I had to disappoint her. Doubt plagued my mind. That was too easy. I considered his reaction to hearing it in that manner. Would he cry? Would he laugh, and call me an idiot? Probably neither, because he wouldn't believe it. No. It would have to be him doing the killing; that was the only way this made sense. And I had a funny feeling, this would be one of the rare areas this world of ours demanded logic.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Hanji… I think in essence you're right but… I reckon it has to be him that kills me. It'd be too easy for us to fake it, if that was all we had to do. It'll have to be by his hand."

The whole table nodded. I was rather glad Eren wasn't present for the conversation now, as it would have only sent him into a panic if his attitude on the roof was anything to go by. Would I even be able to get him on side for this kind of thinking? No idea. But it might be the only way to save Levi, so I would have to try. Eren would have to trust me. If he still could.

Hanji grinned. "Sometimes you are too damn smart!"

"Thanks, but if it's him… killing me….How do we fake it? Letting him in on the plan seems a little detrimental."

"Um… Well I dunno yet." She sighed, taking off her glasses to polish them. A silence took over the room, the ticking of our minds taking over. We were soldiers. We were here to try and protect people, to take down Titans, we weren't often having to think in such covert ways. To fake a death? As if a Scout had ever really had to consider that befor–

Keza grabbed my tea, and held it up triumphantly. Sloshing it over herself slightly in the process. "I have an idea!"

"Time to make a public holiday…" I chuckled as she slapped my arm.

"Well, look… He thinks all you Scouts have been fooled right? He thinks he's the only one to know Robyn is big Missy Titan Tits?"

"Indeed," snorted Hanji.

Keza explained. "He has some pretty messed up feelings towards me already, some heavy guilt and everything else that came with Erwin's passing. I'm a good candidate for manipulating his scowling arse, right? So! I go down, and pretend to be on Scowler's side. I'll lay down some long, over-the-top lamenting dribble about how I want revenge on the Big-titted Titan. Ask him to let me help, beg him even, I'm sure a man that short enjoys having the upper hand."

The Commander nodded.

Keza grinned. "After that, when he obviously agrees, because let's face it, otherwise he's up a shit-creak with nothing to paddle. I'll give him a 'poison' to put in some tea. This he'll offer as a peace offering once free from his cell, it'll only be a sleeping draft or something – I'm sure GooGoo has something?"

We all looked at Hanji. She looked back blankly, sensing the silence as an indication, she blinked, looked behind herself, found no one and turned back with a pout. "Why am I GooGoo?"

"Love, we don't have that much time." Keza winked.

Hanji huffed but got to thinking. "I have something… though it's more of a paralytic."

"Oh goody." I tried to ignore the increase in my heart-rate. Keza put a hand on my shoulder and I shivered. If this plan did work, we might have Levi back. But I would be so vulnerable.

Keza nodded. "So we let him think he's poisoned her, she flops onto the ground all stiff and 'dead'. Then we drag him away once he's snapped out of it, and had a full on Scowling freak party. Simple! Spell broken!"

"It's…" I half-laughed, a lump in my throat making it hard to do it properly. "It's definitely a good plan, Keza. He might buy it from you… After all, the captors won't have known about you being here."

"Cheers Numb-nuts. Although… We can't tell Titan Boy about this." We all looked at her a little dumbly, she flicked her long brown locks. "I doubt he can tell a convincing lie with those big gorgeous greens. So his reaction has to be genuine."

"That'll tear him apart." Mikasa stared at my tea cup fixedly. "He cares so much about Robyn… He'll kill the Captain instantly."

But despite the grave warning, Keza continued grinning, winking at Mikasa. "You, Commander GooGoo and Sassy Mule can hold him back. I reckon once Numb-Nuts here has toppled oh-so-elegantly to the floor, Scowler will wake from his delusionals."

"You really think it'll be that instantaneous?" I swallowed.

She shrugged. "Probably, that way the impact is all the worse for him. So even if you lot didn't do as they thought, and kill him then and there, he might well just force your hand. I reckon there's quite a temper under those careful eyes?"

We all nodded. Levi could be formidable. And I knew well enough how deep his self loathing could run – if he suddenly realised he had been successfully fooled into murdering me, and did regret it? He would destroy himself. I hadn't seen it myself, only mere echoes of how much he had hated himself when losing Isabel and Farlan, but even that had been intense. And in that instance he had only been tangentially to blame. If it was by his own hand? Directly? I shivered.

Keza continued. "Well then, they'll have used that as a failsafe. I reckon it'll be almost the next instant that he falls apart. So yeah… we'll have his freak-out to deal with… My, my you do create extreme reactions in people don't you, honey?"

"Seems so."

"Must be the tits eh? A good wrack always works well for a girl."

"Keza…."

There was silence again as we contended with this plan.

I drew a deep breath and laid my hands flat on the table. "If this brings him back, I'm more than willing. My weird healing should take care of any unexpected side effects as well…"

"What do you mean?" Hanji pouted. "My paralytic isn't going to—!"

"I don't doubt it's well tested Hanji, but he may drug me then stab for good measure." They all flinched, but I just stared at my tea. "They've convinced him that I killed his entire team, that I'm trying to destroy the Scouts, his family. I doubt we can fully understand his rage… Then again he may just poison me, and be happy. But we can't be sure."

I zoned out a little, tracing a pattern over the table top as more planning continued over my head. Keza was watching me, but she let the plan sink in. Levi would be willing, and truly believing he was killing me. It was probably the only way to save him. But a part of me, a foolishly naive part, hoped for another outcome – that we get to that point, the supposedly poisoned brew at my lips, and then he snapped. He might slap it out of my hand, begging me not to drink it. It was naive. It was stupid. It was foolish. Like the 'power of love' would break through the conditioning he had been put through, but my mind still lingered on it. It hoped. I really had become foolish, hadn't I?

What juvenile shit.

I took another long breath, calmed my nerves and stood. "We done planning? I feel like I need to sleep if we're putting this into motion soon." I swallowed hard, stomach churning.

There's a general nod, and I headed for my room. I needed some alone time to fully digest. A few staggered steps was all I got, before Hanji appeared at my side and helped me up the stairs. The rest of the group bid me goodnight, watching after us.

Hanji held strongly but lovingly to my arm. "We'll begin talking to him again tomorrow. I reckon we should leave it a week or so before even bringing up release. Otherwise he'll be suspicious. Don't you think?" She's practically carrying me up the stairs, but is kind enough to allow me the pretence of managing alone.

"Sounds like a plan. But… Please don't rush him, we don't know what damage they've done to him." I gulped, and she took more of my weight. "Half a year is a long time to have your head messed with."

"Of course, I want him back just as he was, just like you, Robyn."

I'm not entirely sure if she means she wants Levi back to normal, like I do. Or if she wants me back to normal as well. She was getting into the Erwin way of weaving double meanings.

"At least you still have your Captain back. He seemed normal in those aspects didn't he?" I kept my voice steady, but my eyes glued to the floor.

She didn't reply.

I gripped her arm tighter. What else was wrong with Levi?

"Calm down Robyn, please. There's nothing else abnormal about Levi's actions so far. However…"

"However?"

"You keep talking like this issue is some little blip." She leaned me against the wall by my door, holding onto my shoulders as she searched for something in my eyes.

"Commander, I—"

"Look Kiddo… I realise you didn't know him on a personal level before you got involved, however… I did. And when you two got together? I saw him happy, genuinely happy. For the first time in… in far too many years. And when I saw the change in him? Although I didn't get it at first, I was immensely thankful."

"He changed that much?" I murmured past the lump appearing in my throat.

She gave me a pitying look, pushing my hair back, smiling at me in a motherly fashion. "You're not some small part that can be skipped, you've become a larger part to him than that. I'm not claiming he can't possibly continue without you, that'd be silly. As Scouts we always have to be ready to mourn. But… I know he lived when he was with you, instead of just fighting. Instead of just existing. I know I-I probably shouldn't have said so much, especially when you're so shaken… But please understand that I'll do everything to bring him back. To all of us. You included."

I stared at the floor, tears rolling down my nose as I clung to her words. Sobs shook me. It was easier to try and detach myself, to think of him being able to simply forget me. But I guess that was just it, it's not right to think like that, just easier. How cowardly of me. Whether her words helped or hindered, I wasn't sure. Was it better to think I was insignificant, or vital?

I took her offered handkerchief and dried my eyes with a shaky hand. "Th-thanks, Hanji. I appreciate the sentiment…"

"But you don't want to rely on simply hoping. It's true that he'll function without us solving this. However, that's not an option I'm accepting without exhausting all other possibilities."

"You're a stubborn woman."

"Keza really should have called me Mule instead of Jean." She chuckled with a shake of her head, finishing with another tender look. "Get some rest. Tomorrow you can consider yourself free from duties, however if you're wanting to stay busy feel free to train with the new cadets. But try and rest? It's been a long six months."

"Yes it has." I laughed breathlessly as she squeezed my shoulder before turning to return to the mess-hall. I watched her approach the stairs, and wondered what kind of Mother Hanji might have made. Her work came first, it was her passion, and that was beautiful, but I suddenly saw her as very maternal as well. "Commander?"

"Sanshi?"

"Thank you. Really." I gave a salute and she returned it, smiling broadly before descending the stairs.

I laid my head against the wall, not knowing what to do with her words. It was amazing to know I'd made such a significant change to Levi, and for the better. But it also put a lot more pressure on our plan. What if we couldn't save him? I went to lie down on my bed – if we couldn't save him, then I was sure they'd be able to find someone else to help him. He was the strongest, but the most broken. All he needed was someone to apply the glue occasionally.

Right?

I smiled into my pillow. I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to find a substitute for my own heart. I'd aimed rather high with Levi, and wasn't sure many could match up to that. Then I giggled; I wasn't sure many would want to. I could be a proper crazy bitch…

My mind drifted through sleep. Flickers of memory I'd already known danced across my mind.

The dark room surrounded me, bright torches glaring down as I laid there branded by fresh wounds. Blood on my tongue. Pain all over my body. Noises all around. But still, I was in better shape than Levi. I tried to speak to him, to reason with him that he needed to come back, to come home. But the words died on my tongue. He shook his head, being dragged back into the darkness with a bitter laugh. I stumbled after him. The ground became slick and then soupy. I called out, but still no sound. I was silenced. My voice gone. Nothing. He disappeared. The mud sucked me down. The more I struggled, the thinner the air grew, the stronger the mud held. I'm so cold. I didn't want to, but as the ice gripped my heart, I gave in, and let it drag me down. Slam. I laid there staring up at the sky from my icy bed of the stone floor – there was no running from this. Red lightning flashed down. Red. Burning. It whipped the earth mercilessly, strips of pain slashed my spine.

Details on the regiment.

Slice.

The phrasing.

Whip.

Question after question. I arched my back, gritting my teeth against screams. And that was when I really knew I was dreaming. That horrible sensation of knowing you're in a nightmare, but you can't wake. And it wasn't just any nightmare. It was memories. Fear gripped tighter. I needed to wake up. Something was coming, some other memory I hadn't found yet, something lurking in the darkness. Something my mind wanted to protect me from. Mud around my shoulders hardened, snapping into place as it became rough hands holding me down.

My mind ached.

I tried to wake.

Don't look.

My heart thundered as more lightning engulfed the earth. I didn't want to remember this, I knew I didn't. But then there it goes, out of the mud, moulding into the disgusting face I'd burned into my mind through sheer determination. He drooled, and the other two hitched up my legs. Oh god no. Bruising formed over my hips. Pain stabbed into me. It drove into me again and again. I shrieked.

And then another voice appeared.

Familiar. Awful. Teasing.

"You see Levi, this is what you let us do to her…"

Levi. His face. He saw it all. He witnessed everything.

I woke.

Upright and screaming. Scrambling back in my bed, I hit off the wall, howling as I tangled my hands in my hair, thumping them against my head. No. Stop it. Why did I remember that bit? Why couldn't it have remained forgotten? My hands wrenched at my hair, and the shadows rejoiced, flaring and crawling over to me, ready for the last meal. My voice ripped out of me. Screeching into the night. Like it would do any good. But nothing would help this, I couldn't stand it couldn't endure, couldn't–

My bedroom door flew open, light from the hallway making the tall figure silhouetted.

"No!" I screamed, throat burning. "No leave me alone, don't touch me! No!"

Keza's face appeared from the darkness; terrified as she tried to calm me. I saw her fear, and felt my guilt. My screaming guttered to a choked halt, and I panted, staring back at her with wide eyes. Tears poured. Where were my damn walls when I needed them? There was no hiding. Not now. Not from this sickening truth. Not from what those animals had done to me.

She stepped closer. "R-Robyn? Sweetheart… Can you see me?"

"Help…" I whined, sobs rising in my throat.

Somehow she looked more scared. She perched on the bed, and pulled me close, shushing into my ear as she ran her hands over my back. I clung to her, shaking my head against her shoulder as I tried to forget. But the memory blazed, making my body hurt where they hurt me.

Keza cooed in my ear. "It was a dream, love. You're safe. You're home. Shh, Robyn, just breathe…"

"N-No…" I gasped. "It w-was a memory, Keza… oh God… It was a memory."

I gagged, and put a hand to my mouth. She lurched and threw my wash basin under my head as I convulsed, vomiting what little food I'd managed to eat over the past day. Squeaks of desperation escaped me as I wretched into the bin.

Keza held my hair back with shaking hands. "That's it love, get it out. And breathe. That's the key here, just breathe."

I tried, but it burned so much. Eventually though, there was only retching and bile. My body fizzed all over, every nerve alight.

Keza ran her hand up and down my back. "How about some water?"

My breathing was still ragged. "Please… There's a jug on the side." I swallowed and grit my teeth, forcing the stutter away. They couldn't win. But my stomach churned as the image flashed in front of me, and I dry heaved violently for a couple minutes, eyes bleared as my body tried to force the realisation out.

"All right, I'm also gonna turn the lamp on, okay? I'm not going anywhere."

She walked away and I watched closely, keeping myself aware that someone else was here. Someone I knew and trusted, and loved. But as she poured the water after turning on the lamp by my door, I heard murmuring. Someone was at my door, which she had left slightly ajar. I couldn't see them, but I think I heard Hanji. Maybe Eren. Keza then closed the door, and the room was flooded by the warm light of the lantern. She took the basin from me and I leaned back limply, gasping as my throat ached.

"Here, sip it slowly."

I reached but my hand was a blur of shivers. I snatched it back, clutching it to my heaving chest, clenching my teeth. Keza wore a kind smile as she put a hand under my chin, holding the cup to my lips. I sipped, swallowing hard as I tried to ignore the nausea in my gut. My hands remained sticky, but the shadows sulked in the lantern and Keza's glow.

"What did… What did the Commander say? Guess… Guess I woke everyone up." I blushed, and accepted another sip.

She ran a thumb under my eye, trying to remove the leaking tears. "She's just worried. Eren too, but I said I'd go get them if we needed them. Hanji said she had sedatives available if you wanted them… Seemed pretty shaken herself. But I didn't elaborate, figured you might want to keep this between us for now."

"Thanks… Sorry for s-scaring you."

She smiled and perched beside me, pulling me in to rest my head against her chest as she ran her fingers through my hair. For a moment, we were still. She breathed, kissing the top of my head, and I listened to her heartbeat. Slow and steady.

She kissed my hair again. "I'm assuming this was a memory from during your captivity, Love?"

I tensed, but didn't move away. "Why?"

"You're better at fighting back at your past. Vincent scares you, but not like that." She murmured. "It's okay if you don't want to tell me, of course. But I'm here if you want to talk. Always."

The last thing I wanted to do was burden her, but she wouldn't see it like that, would she? Helping me was what she wanted. Depending on her was what I wanted. And in all honesty, Keza was probably going to have the best insight out of anyone else. With her line of work either she had experienced it herself. Or knew someone who had.

I drew a deep breath and held onto her dressing gown tight. "I need to ask you something, Keza… and it's kind of personal."

"When isn't it personal with us, Numbnuts?" She laughed. "Go for it. If I can help, I will."

"R-Right…"

"I'm here, Love."

"I was wondering if… in your line of work, you'd ever had a client who got a little… out of hand?" I stared at my lap, her heart rate picking up, and her hand stilling in my hair.

There was a long silence. She probably wondered about this when I was first rescued, it was hardly a stretch of the imagination, that those bastards might have used me in every way. Now I'd confirmed it.

She leaned back, and her eyes looked very old. "I'm so sorry, Robyn. Those bastards. And you only just remembered, this was the first real recollection?"

I nodded and bit my lip. "I just… They… I…"

Taking it from the start, I explained everything.

She listened close. It took a few stammers and a couple moments to just breathe when the panic rose up the back of my throat, but she just waited and held my hand. Despite the way my tongue struggled with the words themselves, I couldn't quite believe how easily I voiced it all. The trust I had with Keza burned in my chest, it kept me warm against the truth. By the time I reached the end, recalling how I was drugged to forget, hearing the others arrive to rescue me, she's gripping my hand tight. It was all so clear to me now, every sickening detail revealed.

Silence took the room.

Her eyes shone. "We were so close? If we'd just been that bit quicker…" Her tears escaped.

I jolted back, covering my mouth as I realised. Dammit what was I thinking?

"Shit… Keza! Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm such a selfish bitch." I sobbed, covering my eyes. "That wasn't what I meant. I shouldn't have–"

"No, no, please… shh…" she pulled me back and I crumbled against her, clinging to her.

As I wept, the hollowness took hold. The world just kept piling the shit on, and I could finally feel myself bending under the weight. The fight had always been there, and I knew other people had it worse, of course they did. But I'd been foolish. I'd had some joy, and allowed my idiotic self to hope. My time with Levi, and my friends, those golden moments of pleasant peace. They were the exception, not the rule.

Yet I still felt I needed Levi. I still wanted to depend on that slice of happiness.

I bite my tongue against the thought. He wanted me dead. It wasn't his fault, I didn't blame him for a second; but that didn't change the situation. My heart belonged to the man currently plotting to kill me.

"I'm glad you told me." Keza spoke gently against my hair. "We all worried something like this might have happened… But when you didn't mention anything we hoped it hadn't. Although I suppose Hanji knows, as she did the medical examination on you. Rather explains why she was so shaken…"

"The physical…" I mumbled with a frown. She hadn't said anything this whole time. Probably hoping I wouldn't remember. She probably knew what it was, stood outside my door, hearing me scream into the night. It was why she asked if there was anything else I'd recalled before as well. Oh Hanji.

Keza kissed my head again, and every time it made me feel a little more human. "Robyn… Did you get a good look at their faces?"

My nails creaked against her dressing gown. "I did. And they'll fucking pay if I ever see them again."

"Count me in." She smirked.

As I imagined all the faces I would seek out and hurt, something else cropped up. I shivered. The voice. The woman. The bitch that spoke to me, and made Levi watch. I froze. Of course. Levi wouldn't likely know about this yet. He'd probably only remember it if we got through to him. Would they really build something into his head like that? A punishment for breaking free? I swallowed, of course they would.

"Robyn?" Keza's hand pressed gently to my cheek.

"They made him watch." I whispered, and she frowned. "L-Levi. They made him watch."

"Shit…"

"If we manage to break this trance he's under… It could suddenly come back to him if we manage it. A-A kind of punishment for evading them."

"That's…" She pursed her lips and shook her head. "Bloody hell, these shitheads need to be stopped. That's beyond evil. That's deranged."

I scooted back over to her and concentrated on breathing evenly. "Will you stay here tonight?"

"Like you could get rid of me." She shifted and we both laid down.

"Thank you… thank you so much, Keza." I breathed, holding her hands, tremors still running through my body. She was quiet, but I could feel her watching me as I closed my eyes. But the images were waiting. I jolted.

She tucked my hair back. "Maybe don't close your eyes for a while. If you crush my hand too much, I can't guarantee I won't knee you in the gut." She giggled.

I blushed and stared at our hands. How did I get back to normal after this realisation? How did the day to day work, knowing what was done to me?

"Keza…"

"Robyn…"

"You never answered my question."

She blinked in the dim lantern light and her jaw tightened. "Ah… Yeah, guess I didn't."

"So it happened?"

She shrugged. "A couple of times, yeah. But once I got into better establishments, it was less of a thing. They tended to look after their girls better in the fancier places." A bitter smile landed on her lips. "Not out of affection, don't get me wrong. It wasn't a family thing or a loving thing until I was discovered by the Madame. No, the other places just didn't consider it worth risking us being put out of commission due to an injury."

To think of her being put in that kind of situation made my whole body tense with rage. And it would have done so before all of this. But after? Thinking of her putting herself in that situation time and time again, knowing it could happen. I gripped her so tight, pulling her into the biggest hug I could muster as I continued to tremble from my own shadows.

"I'm… Keza I–"

"Don't say you're sorry. You're the last person that needs to be sorry." She hugged me back.

I sniffed. "All right. I guess beyond that then… When it did happen… This is so stupid, but I have to ask. I want to know when normal's possible again. But how long it took you to be able to… t-to…" My voice trailed, and she leaned back to smile kindly. That was the great thing with Keza, half the time I barely had to say anything at all. It wasn't usually a problem for me, of course not, but on those rare occasions, she knew exactly what I meant. Sometimes better than I did.

"I'm probably not the best example, I went back to work almost immediately. I mean I didn't have a lot of choice, I had to. I just grit my teeth and got on with it. But with you? It's different." She traced along my cheekbone. "It's different for everyone Robyn, but I guess you're wondering due to a certain someone's return?"

I nodded. "Which is stupid considering he currently wants to ki–"

"It's not stupid." She tapped the end of my nose. "If anything I'm glad you can be that optimistic."

She always managed to make me seem less ridiculous.

She continued. "So, am I right in thinking when you were with Levi you always felt safe right? Protected?"

I nodded. He never once made me feel pressured, or trapped. Never. He was incredibly giving.

She nodded. "All right then, so I would guess, though I don't know obviously, but I reckon it'll be completely different. The same action can be utterly reversed simply depending on who it's with."

"Right. I mean, I have no idea if it'll ever be possible. If we can break him out of their control or whatever but… If we can… If we do… I just want to be with him again like we used to…" My voice thickened.

"And you will, Robyn. Just take it slow, and beyond that…"

"What?"

"You have to tell him." She added, glaring a little when I shrank back and shook my head. "Robyn, you–"

"No!"

"Robyn…"

"I can't tell him. If he hasn't remembered, why torture him?"

She gives me a long and hard look. "If he doesn't know what they did, he won't know to be careful. For god's sake Robyn do you want to break yourself? Your mind deals with a lot, and has endured thus far, but this… This is serious!" She snapped, the motherly side of her raising its hackles high. "He may still remember eventually, and how do you think he'll feel knowing you tried to hide it for the sake of him? It'll only increase his guilt."

"If he remembers." I bit my lip."He might not remember at all."

"Since when have you had that kind of luck?"

"I can't do that to him." I put my face in my hands. "I c-can't do that to him, Keza. I really can't… I-I—" I clamp a hand over my mouth. But the nausea passes, and I lay there panting.

She kisses my forehead. "You're a damn fool, but I can understand your thinking."

"If we do free him, if we can give him his mind back… I can't torture him with the fact it happened with him right there. It'll feel like I'm just twisting the knife, dipping it in salt and twisting again."

"Damn you and your metaphors. But look, if we do free him and you do get the chance to be intimate again… If it does go wrong? You come to me straight away, you hear me Numbnuts?" She jabbed a finger at me, and I nodded, not breaking eye contact. "I will not have you endure this alone, so if you refuse to tell him, you come to me with the aftermath. All right?"

"Y-Yes Keza. Though… It might be fine right?"

Her eyes remained a little cold. "Yeah it might be. If for once you get a lucky break."

"Thanks Keza…"

"I'd say anytime but, hopefully you never have to ask me that kind of thing again." She pulled me back into a hug. "You'll get through this."

"I have you by my side, how could I do anything else?"

"I dunno, you're pretty fucking stubborn…"

Aaand there we have it, cya next week!