CH8 - DAMMIT RACHEL

A/N - ! TRIGGER WARNING ! CHAPTER RATED 'E' = EXPLICIT FOR ADULT THEMES, PHYSICAL ABUSE AND DRUG USE

"Brody?"

Rachel held back a gasp. She doesn't understand why she feels somewhat uneasy right now. Maybe it's the desperate pleading look in his eyes, or the slight pang of guilt she feels in texting a break up message.

But she'd already ended it in-person weeks prior; he just needed to accept it.

"Please Rachel. I promise I won't keep you long, there's just something I need to say, and you haven't been answering my calls."

She finally relents, but not without hesitation. This was exactly what she'd been trying to avoid: face to face discussions and debates. She doesn't want or need this added stress in her life right now and honestly, doesn't care to hear whatever excuses he's about to unleash.

But after knowing him for almost 3 years - the majority spent as just friends - she feels some sense of obligation to at least allow him to speak his peace. And then she can send him packing without regrets.

Brody enters the apartment and she closes the door while keeping focus on him. She pulls out a chair from the little dinette set near the kitchen and offers him a seat.

In a near whisper of a voice she asks "How did you know where to find me today? I'd usually be in school now, but I'm on voice rest and I really shouldn't have company." She feels the tickle intensify in her throat and decides she'll have to keep any additional speech to a minimum - which might be difficult for her. Another reason maybe she shouldn't have let him in.

"I guessed as much. Cassie told me you called off sick for the week and wouldn't be in classes. I was worried about you. Plus I wanted to talk to you about that text message. So I thought I'd come check on you, and hoped you'd be willing to speak to me."

Well that explains things just as much as it also kind of confirms the rumors. Cassie - Cassandra July - the evil Satan. The one instructor who lives to make her life hell. He must have some personal relationship with her, why else would she be divulging confidential student info - and to a NYADA graduate at that. He's not a student anymore, there's no other plausible reason for them to interact.

"What do you need to say Brody?"

"Why won't you answer my calls?"

"I said what I needed to in my last text. There was nothing else to discuss," she says matter-of-factly.

His expression hardened a little and the words that followed were spoken tersely, "Wow that's great. So you get to make a decision about ending us, and I don't get to participate or respond in any way." He looked down at the drips coming off his jacket and splashing onto the floor, then softly inhaled "I thought we meant more to each other than that after all this time. I thought I meant more to you…" He looked up into her eyes and added, "because you mean more to me. You always have."

Rachel couldn't keep eye contact. Her eyes have always been the gateway to her soul, her tell; she needed to keep her resolve about this 'relationship' for her own sake. She can hear the hurt in his voice but it's from his own doing. She'd already caught him with another woman. And if everything she'd been hearing was true, he was already gambling with her heart and her safety knowingly and recklessly - for a long while apparently - so how could she possibly mean 'something more' to him?

"Are you sleeping with Cassandra?"

"Wh-what? Where did that come from?"

"Answer."

He sighs deeply. She's good at reading him, he already knows this because he helped her learn how to master reading body language and facial expressions for that acting class in her junior year. Also she's been practicing that special talent on him for a long time now, which has definitely made it harder for him to keep the things hidden from her that he didn't want to reveal - more out of shame and embarrassment than fear of her reaction.

"I was in her dance class, eventually became her TA before you and I met. When I first came to NYADA, as you know, I was alone in the city, just like you. I didn't really know anyone, just like you… " He's hoping to spark some nostalgia in her right now, maybe if she remembers they'd already had this talk before she'd understand better. In fact they'd spent many long evenings chatting about their shared loneliness in NYC - it was something they'd bonded over, even if he'd left out these particular details of his story.

"She became my mentor. We became friends… and yeah, it did evolve to 'friends with benefits' at some point, more out of convenience and loneliness. But that deal ended by the start of my junior year… Then I met you."

She's pretty sure he's telling the truth. So far.

"It ended, but she told you where I am today," she slapped back quickly.

"We still talk. I don't usually cut friends out of my life so easily."

She flinched at his double meaning, having picked up the slight inflection in his voice.

Rachel didn't have much experience with friendships and proper etiquettes thereof, given the solitude of her upbringing, but she was sure that a real friend was someone to cherish. And a real friend wouldn't lie and hide things that could hurt her or ruin her reputation. A real friend wouldn't be sleeping with a cougar and come back to have unprotected sex with her.

"Club Jupiter? That older woman. I didn't imagine it."

"That's..that's harder to explain. But look, she meant nothing to me I swear to you…" It's a desperate plea, but he's looking at the hardness in her eyes and resigns to just tell her the truth at this point because he knows he can't hide it anymore, and apparently the damage is already done. He has nothing left to lose if he's already lost her.

Maybe the truth can set him free and eventually win her back.. somehow? Could she possibly understand? Forgive?

"I was her escort for the night."

Her arms are folded in front of her chest. Her eyes are wide as saucers and darting wildly around the room and she's searching for a response. All she can manage is "What? As in, male escort?"

"I know, I know. I'm so embarrassed. I never wanted you to know." He runs his hand down his face and exhales sharply then continues.

"Before I met you, I was struggling financially. Auditions weren't panning out, the side gigs I'd been finding weren't cutting it. I'm from Iowa y'know, and the cost of living here in this city by comparison is, well you know how it is. And I don't have a rich family or any real support system to help. I was barely able to cover a month's rent in a super efficiency roach motel."

He pauses for a deep breath, then continues cautiously. "Cassie let me crash with her for a bit to help me out when I couldn't make rent. While I was staying with her, she had a party one time. A friend of hers - or maybe it was a friend of a friend - suggested this escort service idea, said there was tons of quick cash to be made. Said it was a reputable service and I'd be perfect because of my looks," he looks at her to gauge her reaction but she's not giving anything away.

"At first I blew it off, but then the thought of not being able to make rent again hit me. I was young and stupid and worst of all, desperate. If NYADA had ever discovered a student was living with a faculty member, we'd both have been shit outta luck. Teachers have non-fraternization clauses in their contracts. She'd be fired, I'd be expelled. This was the first - and at the time only - real opportunity I saw to get me back in my own living space quickly and prevent both our ships being sunk."

She ruminated on his story for a long while. He feels the tension coming off her, but knows her well enough to know she'd need time to process, because honestly - this was a lot to digest for anyone. A long uncomfortable silence was developing and she was refusing to look at him. He gets impatient and suddenly felt the need to break the ice.

"Rachel," he's determined to break her resolve, "look I know you and I never said we were exclusive. I knew you had some past bad experiences, and you always kept your guard up, even with me. I was patient and willing to let you set the pace…"

That was true - she'd confessed these things to Brody, more than once. She'd learned in high school that boys couldn't be trusted with her heart. That most of them would only ever judge her and belittle her silly Broadway dreams. None of them would ever understand her goals and her ambition, even if they appreciated her talent - which most didn't. Probably because they couldn't get past her looks. She'd never felt in the same league as the blonde big-busted chearleader types that most guys lusted after; guys simply never responded to her like that. It eroded her confidence and led to a lot of therapy sessions as a teenager (which honestly did nothing to boost her self esteem).

He continued, "And I still am. But you have to know, just because I didn't rush you, or pressure you, doesn't mean I thought we were just casual. I wanted more with you, I've always wanted more; but I could tell immediately that pushing you in a romantic direction would mean losing you. So I waited. And now it seems like I lost you anyway. But I'm hoping you'll think about it and reconsider, if nothing else for the sake of our friendship?"

He adds hopefully, "I can be as patient as you need me to be."

Before she can respond further, he asks to use her bathroom. He's hoping she'll be in a more agreeable mood after thinking about this for a few minutes, or at the very least he might buy some time to think of how else he can convince her to forgive him, since this is probably his last chance.

He also doesn't want her to see that he needs another bump. He looks at his reflection in her bathroom mirror and wipes his nose to be sure none of the white residue is visible, splashes cold water on his face and washes his hands.

As he exits the bathroom, he doesn't notice that his little baggie of 'nose powder' fell out of his pocket.

While Brody is using her facilities, Rachel is brewing.

She's rolling through the details of his confession and considers his reasoning behind it sincerely but with trepidation. He's talking about patience and friendship and saying all the right words, but she knows she still can't look him in the eye. She figures that means something.

Then she realizes, he was keeping this huge part of himself locked behind closed doors for so long and she'd never had a clue. She never saw the signs in the least. There's so many cut-throats in this business willing to tear you down just to get their own leg up; how could she believe rumors about someone she knew so intimately. If her friends hadn't mentioned the rumors about Cassandra, she wouldn't even have paid any mind to those other rumors that were floating around. In fact, it took for her to actually catch him in the act with some strange woman before she'd even allowed a chink in the armor of their relationship. So what does that say about her own judgment?

In other words, he was a GOOD liar. Maybe a great liar, possibly the best, and she'd missed it entirely. He's probably a really good actor too, because she can't imagine having to pretend about something like this with someone she cared about for any length of time, let alone for years. 'And the Oscar goes to… Brody Weston, for Best Portrayal of Deceit & Chicanery in a Relationship'

She's blankly staring at different spaces in the dimly lit apartment while contemplating what to say to him next. She skims the titles collected on the bookcase across the room. Tina's collector's edition Harry Potter set catches her eye. Now she's thinking about three unforgivable curses, and she's pretty sure if there was such a thing in real life, dating a prostitute while trying to become a Broadway star would be one of them. So would lying to your girlfriend about being a prostitute.

So now he's admitted the lie and the deception that went with it over a loooong period of their relationship. And he never told her until he was caught. The trust was broken. There's little point in dragging this out; she'd already made up her mind, and now that he's back in front of her she can give her answer.

"Brody, look. I understand you had what you thought were justified reasons. But you lied to me. A lie by omission is still a lie. You hid this from me, and for what, the entirety of our relationship? You didn't trust ME - but what's worse, your lie removed my choices about something that directly affects ME. And now I'm learning it's SO MUCH WORSE than anything I could've imagined.. Just how many women did you sleep with before and DURING our time together? Nevermind the fact that prostitution is illegal, but the health hazards of this, this, 'trade' you've taken up… No. This is NOT what friends do Brody, least of all boyfriends." He's looking totally defeated now and she knows her words are stinging but she's enraged right now by his gall.

"I can't allow myself to be exposed to these kinds of scandalous, reprehensible acts, not anymore. I have a future as a performer and I don't need any skeletons to haunt me. So I'm afraid you've made a wasted trip here in a vain effort to win back my, my what, my affection? Friendship? No, sorry but I can't. Not now, maybe not ever. If you can just please go now, I'm supposed to be resting my voice and—"

She didn't see it coming so she didn't know why she was suddenly seeing stars and wasn't able to breathe.

She'd gotten halfway to her door and was just turning around to face him, when suddenly he was plowing toward her at full force, slamming her back against the door and holding her by the throat. She tried hard to scream but he was pinching her neck so hard with his right hand, she just couldn't get a sound out, not that there was anyone nearby to hear her.

He used all of his body weight to pin her against the door, with his right leg jammed tightly between her legs and his hip against her pelvis. His left hand managed to grab both of her tiny little wrists and pin them to her side.

He's looking directly into her wide fearful eyes when he spits at her "You think I'm a lowlife, and you're just too good for me now, is that it? Dammit Rachel! I loved you! Why would you do this to us? You can't forgive me after how good I've been to you? You can't have any compassion after all I've done for YOU?"

She's still struggling to get a full breath and he squeezes tighter on her throat when he adds "You don't know what hardships are in this life, spoiled little rich girl! Daddies pride and joy. I was the best thing to ever happen to you!"

She managed to wriggle one of her hands loose from his grip and slap him with a weakly balled fist in the side of the head. He responded by dragging her across the room and throwing her down on the floor so hard that the back of her head smacked off the wooden floorboards.

Rachel was terrified and dazed and had the wind knocked out of her.

As he stood over her frail body heaped in a little pile on the floor, he hissed at her "Your so-called future as a Broadway performer? You can thank me for THAT," then he crouched down and grabbed both her hands to pin them over her head to the floor. He laid his full body weight on top of her to keep her still then licked and sucked on her neck, working his way down to her chest. He used his teeth to open her robe and pull her tank shirt down enough to expose her bare breast. He licked and bit aggressively at her nipple then slid back up, running his tongue from breast to neck to her ear and whispered "and your worth in the sack? Well, you can definitely thank me for THAT too. I taught you very, very well.. You really should be thanking me for that privilege; you got me for free."

Next thing she knows, he's smashing his lips hard against her mouth and forcing his tongue inside. Rachel was panicking now, her fight or flight responses trying to make a decision. Was he really about to do this to her? No, no NO. She couldn't let this happen to her. But his body weight was keeping her stuck in place so she couldn't get any leverage to push him off, and his grip on both her wrists was so tight she couldn't get a free hand to fight back with.

But the moment he shoved his tongue in her mouth she finally found a way out. She bit down HARD. So hard she tasted the blood trickling to her throat. He finally let go of one of her wrists and went to slap her when she spit in his face, getting blood and saliva in his eyes. He'd shifted his position just enough that she managed to pull her knee up to jab him in the groin.

While he tumbles off her in pain for just a moment, she attempts to get up, but he grabs her by the leg and she trips to the floor again. She's bucking and kicking and trying to yell but the sounds are just silent screams. He'd scrambled back on top of her but then before the nightmare could continue, there was a sound of a key in her door and a man's voice echoing from the hallway…

"Knock knock cuz! I hope you're decent, I'm coming in… "